The Dangerous Book for Boys (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

How to Be an Explorer

1 [ MAJESTIC STRING MUSIC] Welcome to the south pole, son where all directions face north.
I wonder if that's why penguins are always walking in circles their GPS devices are going nuts.
This is amazing, Dad.
- [SIGHS HAPPILY] - Look at all that snow.
Remember that time Liam tricked Dash into thinking that yellow snow meant that there was gold buried underneath? Yeah, and he started digging like crazy with his bare hands.
[CHUCKLING] His bare hands, yeah.
Yeah, now that was amazing.
Yeah.
Everything about you boys is.
Hey, look.
I think that's Elephant Island, where Ernest Shackleton led his Antarctic expedition in 1914.
I'm reading about it in The Dangerous Book.
You're still reading the book.
Makes me happy.
It makes me happy too.
Whoa.
How did a walrus get onboard? Ooh! Uh, that's no walrus, son.
That's Ernest's wife, the Lady Shackleton.
[QUIETLY] Be nice.
Yes, unfortunately, we didn't have orthodontists back at the turn of the century.
Sorry, Mom I mean, Lady Shackleton.
Boy, she really needs some serious headgear.
[ PLAYFUL PIANO MUSIC] I wish her aim was as bad as her teeth.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING AND LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY] Uh, Wyatt? You wanna come down from there? And who the heck is Lady Shackleton? Uh sorry, Mr.
Tree.
Just someone I confused for a walrus.
[CHILDREN GIGGLING] [ UPBEAT MUSIC] Thanks for coming in, Mrs.
McKenna.
Of course.
All I'm just surprised that, this time, it's for Wyatt.
You know, he's never been the problem before.
Yes, we have had a fair number of tête-à-têtes regarding Dash's behavior and Liam was never shy about speaking his mind in class.
But this is a first for Wyatt.
He's a wonderful boy, but we've just been noticing some odd behavior ever since your husband's passing.
My condolences again, by the way.
Thank you.
[SIGHS] Yeah, Wyatt's he's been in the clouds a little recently.
You know, I guess we all have.
This might just be his way of coping with the loss.
Our school counselor thought it might be a good idea for him to actually speak with a therapist.
Yeah, of of course.
You know, whatever he needs.
Do you think I should have his brothers see someone also? [CHUCKLING] Let's start with the easy one.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, okay.
[INHALES] I'm just gonna have to figure out how I'm gonna pay for it.
Um, money's been - a little tight recently.
- Oh, I can suggest a clinic.
Um, I went there to quit smoking.
It was the only place I could afford on a public school salary.
I am down to two packs of nicotine gum and three shoulder patches a day.
So clearly, they know what they're doing.
[QUIETLY] Sure.
Hey, well, thank you, Mr.
Dunnan.
Um and don't take this the wrong way, but I hope not to be back in this chair any time soon.
[SECRETARY] Mr.
Dunnan, Dash McKenna was sent to us again.
[DASH] It's not my fault! Ask the lunch lady when she wakes up.
[SIGHS] Back in the chair.
[TIFFANY] Ah! The Page of Pentacles.
There may be a positive financial venture - in your future.
- Perfect.
Uh, now, uh do the cards say anything specifically about Lucky Louie in the seventh at Ascot Park? Terry, you know they don't work that way.
What kind of odds are you getting? - [TERRY] Well, he's - [LIAM] Did I take a wrong turn and end up in the dark ages? Tarot cards? Seriously? Be careful, Liam.
You don't wanna tempt the fates.
"The fates.
" It's all mumbo-jumbo.
Here's what I believe in: the Constitution, trickle-down economics, and the sugary deliciousness of Crunch Berry cereal.
- It is delicious.
- [LIAM] We're living in an age of science, people.
These cards are quackery, pure and simple.
I wouldn't be so sure.
The powers of the Universe existed long before your precious science.
Well, you can keep living in the dark, but I don't have to, 'cause I can turn on a light.
Invented by a scientist.
Who was inspired by the Universe.
That was mapped by a scientist.
Maybe in this dimension.
Whoa mind blown.
That You know what? Maybe you're right.
Let's see what your kooky cards say.
Abracadabra and hocus-pocus.
Uh-oh.
The five swords.
I think the Universe might have put a hex on you.
A hex.
Yeah, right.
Okay, careful, Liam.
Soccer star David Beckham once said the same thing to a voodoo priestess.
She put a foot-shrinking spell on him.
Now he buys all his shoes at Baby Gap.
Career over.
I'm not sure that's entirely factual, but the point is to not tempt the Universe.
Consider it tempted.
You hear that, universe? Come and get me.
I welcome your he [WHEEZES, GROANS HOARSELY] [LIAM WHEEZING AND CHOKING] - Liam? - [CHOKING] Psych.
I told you, there's no such thing as a hex.
I would've done that anyway.
This stupid dishwasher.
Everything comes out dirtier than when it went in.
[TERRY] Ah! I'll grab those.
[HUMMING] You washed your shoes in the dishwasher? - Mm-hmm.
- It's a dishwasher.
Terry, it's right in the name.
I only put 'em in so it'd be a full load.
Always thinking responsibly.
And for the record, these aren't shoes.
They are Crocs.
Okay, well, when the dishwasher breaks and we need to get a new one, who's gonna pay for it? Because I sure can't.
[EXHALES SOFTLY] [ EMOTIONAL PIANO MELODY] Are you okay, Beth? Oh.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] It's just It's just little things like this, you know? Like, I feel like sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, and then everything just it just comes crashing down.
Come here.
[SNIFFS] But I can't let the kids see it, you know? I have to oh, I gotta get it together.
I gotta make things happy and normal for them, you know? Beth, you are the most amazing woman I know and I once met Ellen DeGeneres.
Thank you.
Hey, Mom, did you Are you okay? [SNIFFS] Yeah, I'm okay.
I was just, um C cutting onions for my oat meal.
- Yeah.
- [WYATT] You put onions in your oatmeal? [TERRY] Oh, I put onions in everything except onion soup, which I prefer to make with leeks.
Oh, uh, Wyatt you have an appointment for the doctor today just, you know, make sure you're doing okay.
So just like a checkup? Yeah.
Something like that.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hi there, Wyatt.
I am not that kind of doctor.
You're not? What kind of doctor are you? Well, I am more of a doctor for feelings.
So we're just gonna be talking today, but if you're more comfortable doing that in your underpants, - that is absolutely - [WYATT] Oh, no.
Um, I'm definitely, definitely not.
I'm Dr.
Stevenson, but you can call me Kay.
'Kay I mean, okay Kay? [CHUCKLES] So, Wyatt, why don't you tell me what's been going on? - Not much, really.
- Well, I understand that you lost your father.
I'm really very sorry.
Yeah.
Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Well there is one thing.
My dad left this book for me and my brothers and ever since then there's been some weird stuff happening.
Oh, yeah? Like what? I don't know.
I guess I don't want you to think that I'm cuckoo.
[CHUCKLING] Well, that's not really a term we use around here.
I just want you to feel comfortable.
I talk to kids all the time, so believe me.
I am happy to hear whatever you have to say.
[VOICE GROWING DISTANT] You'd be surprised by some of the stories.
I mean, everything's [ EXCITING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC] [SIGHS PLEASANTLY] [ANIMALS GROWLING AND ROARING] - Dad.
- [PATRICK] Hey, champ.
Why am I here? I thought a jungle adventure might cheer you up.
You always loved animals.
Plus, I heard someone say something about a cuckoo bird somewhere around here.
No, I mean, why am I here talking to a non-underwear doctor? Well Hey, Dash.
What are you doing here? Searching for the lost city of El Doritos.
Don't you mean El Dorado? As long as they have Cool Ranch flavor, I don't care what you call it.
I smell jalapeños.
That way! Your brother always did have a keen sense of smell.
[SIGHS] Dad? I really think Mom's worried about me.
Should I be worried about me? Well, your mom loves you more than anything.
And if she wanted you to see a doctor, I'm sure it's for the best.
But does that mean I am a cuckoo bird? No, son.
Not at all.
[WHISPERING] But that is.
[CUCKOOING] [KAY] Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Wyatt? - [SIGHS] - Hate to interrupt your daydream, but our time is up.
So maybe next time you can tell me about Doritos or jalapeños, or whatever else you're daydreaming about.
[ QUIRKY POP-ROCK MUSIC] Hah.
Nice try, universe.
[GRUNTS] [TIFFANY] You know, I really think I missed my calling.
I could've been a foot model.
[SIGHS] These piggies definitely should've gone to market.
- I'm a little worried, Tiffany.
- Relax, Beth.
I'm not ditching you for the foot model circuit.
It's way too much politics to deal with.
No, I'm talking about Wyatt.
Dr.
Stevenson wants to see him again.
That's not so bad.
I prefer Ayurvedic healing over conventional psychotherapy, but whatever helps, you know? It's just so hard pretending that everything is normal and fine, you know? But I need to keep the kids' spirits up.
Yeah, that's all that matters right now, right? Beth, kids are like the moon.
They go through phases.
Sometimes they're full of wonderment and joy, sometimes they're hidden by clouds and disappear for a few days.
The most important thing to remember is that kids, just like the moon, need a strong center to orbit around.
Wow.
That's really profound.
Although, did you just suggest that's it okay for kids to disappear for a few days? Days, weeks, whatever.
You know what? Maybe a family game of Twister.
That's always fun.
I wonder if we still have that board.
[ MYSTERIOUS SHIMMERING MUSIC] Something you'd like to talk about? Nope.
It was just another average, non-eventful day.
Looks to me like you had a "hex-cellent" day.
There's no hex.
Statistically speaking, at some point in my life, a simultaneous bird-squirrel attack was inevitable.
No, sweetheart.
The odds of it happening were 50/50.
Either the Universe put a hex on you or it didn't.
And it did.
[EXHALES FORCEFULLY] [BURPING] What up? Hey, Dash.
- Can I ask you something? - You just did.
Can I ask you something else? You just did.
I can I can do this all day.
Come on, I'm serious.
Have you noticed anything strange happening since we got The Dangerous Book? Well, ever since we got the book [STAMMERING] I I You're not gonna laugh, are you? No.
No, not at all.
What is it? [EXHALES SOFTLY] I can see through walls.
S-s-seriously? [SCOFFS] Of course not, lame-o! No one can see through walls.
I mean, it's an awesome book, but it's just a book.
[BEES BUZZING, LIAM SHOUTING DISTANTLY] [LIAM] What? Bees?! Come on! Ow! I'm in a tough spot here.
I love making fun of you, but I also love - watching Liam suffer.
- [LIAM] Get away from me! - [LIAM] Get away! - Sorry, leaving wins.
[PHONE RINGING] [PHONE BEEPS] Hello? No Patrick McKenna isn't here.
No, he won't be home any time soon.
Please take us off your list.
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS] Hey, Mom.
Hey, there's my little Wyatt Earp.
What do you think about a game night tonight? So now, I mean, I couldn't find Twister, but I did find the board from Monopoly and some wedges from Trivial Pursuit.
- [BETH] Hm? - Uh I'm not really in the mood right now.
Oh, no, come on! It could be fun.
I mean, we could invent a new game like your dad used to do.
We'll call it, like, um, "Triv-opoly" or "Monopo-suit.
" That's okay.
Maybe another time.
Tiffany, you gotta get those tarot cards back out.
The race was a disaster! - Lucky Louie didn't win? - Win? [TERRY] He was still running when they started the next race.
[TIFFANY] Maybe somebody put a whammy on the jockey.
You know, he did have unusually tiny feet.
[GASPS SOFTLY] The horse or the jockey? Both! This whole family is cuckoo.
[TIFFANY AND TERRY TALKING INDISTINCTLY] How can I not be? [TERRY] The hoof the hooves were definitely small.
Good news.
I think you're about to be off the hook for the desk standing stuff.
Word on the street is Nicky Dermer had to use his emergency pair of underwear.
[MR.
TREE] Mr.
McKenna.
Would you like to come to the board and solve this equation? I realize I posed that as a question, but you don't really have a choice.
[SIGHS QUIETLY] [COUGHING] Cuckoo.
[SCATTERED, QUIET CHUCKLES] [ DETERMINED MUSIC] [ELECTRICITY HUMMING AND SNAPPING SOFTLY] [IN HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT] I know what you're thinking: "Bad hair day.
" But this is the look I was going for.
[CHUCKLES] [SPEAKING NORMALLY] What's the matter, kiddo? [WYATT] Dad Am I crazy? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
C come here.
Come here.
Come here, Wyatt.
No, you're not crazy.
W why would you think that? I don't know.
It just seems like our whole family is nuts.
- And I keep seeing you, and - [PATRICK] Ah.
I get it.
Let's take a look at my specimen shelf, here.
That is Galileo.
And that's good old Socrates.
Two of the most creative and famous geniuses in history.
Know what they had in common? They were both really tiny? [CHUCKLES] Well, yeah.
But they were also both once considered crazy.
Were they? Nope.
They changed the way we see the world, using only their brains and their imagination.
So did Marie Curie.
So did Georgia O'Keeffe.
Everyone's imagination has the power to transform the Universe, Wyatt.
But not everyone can tap into it.
You think maybe that's what I'm doing? Maybe.
Or maybe your imagination is helping you to deal with a difficult situation.
What I know for sure: You are not crazy.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm just really glad I get to keep seeing you.
Yeah, me too.
What do you say we take a crack at Einstein's [CLEARS THROAT] I mean [IN ACCENT] What do you say we take a crack at my theory of gravitational waves? I have no idea what that means, but sure.
[ INTRIGUING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC] [CLASSMATES WHISPERING AND APPLAUDING] Incredible.
Al although the answer we were looking for was 1 and 2/3.
Whoo! [CLASSMATES CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] [QUIETLY] Okay.
Damn it.
Why aren't you working? [GRUNTS ANGRILY] Nothing is working.
Are you okay, Mom? I'm sorry, Wyatt.
Sorry.
- For what? - Because [STAMMERS] Because it's Thursday.
On Thursdays, your dad always made us his famous grilled sandwiches and I just I can't get his darn machine to work.
[DASH AND LIAM WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] - [LIAM] No.
- [DASH STUTTERING] What's going on? [TEARFULLY] I'm sorry.
[SOBBING] You guys, I'm trying to keep it normal for you, and I'm trying to keep things happy, but I can't.
I can't do it, and I can't hide it anymore.
It's okay, Mom.
It's okay to be sad.
We all are.
[BOTH CRYING] I know I am.
Me too.
[CRYING SOFTLY] [WYATT] I guess this is just how it's gonna have to be for a while, but it'll get better.
We can make it happen.
We can make anything happen.
[SOFTLY] Yeah, we're all gonna be okay.
We'll be okay.
Hm? [SOFTLY] I love you guys.
[SNIFFS, CHUCKLES SADLY] I just wish that I could've gotten your dad's Sub-Sub to work, you know? I loaded all the ingredients in, but nothing happened.
Let me take a look.
[ QUIRKY PIANO AND ACCORDION MUSIC] [MACHINE CLICKING AND WHIRRING] [WIRES SPRING] [LIAM AND WYATT GRUNT] [MACHINE BEEPS SOFTLY] - [WHIRRING] - Oh! [ALL LAUGHING] That was amazing! Can we do exploding sandwiches every Thursday? [LAUGHING] [DOOR CLOSES] [ MYSTERIOUS TONAL MUSIC] - [LIAM] I'm ready.
- Did you get everything? I think so.
Two roly-polys, four dog fingernails, lock of human hair and half of a fresh fig.
Yum.
Oh, that's pure potassium-bomb.
Undoing a hex is a very complicated procedure.
They can't just be removed.
They have to be transferred into another vessel.
Liam Gloucester McKenna are you prepared to humble yourself before the Universe? So prepared.
I give you Liam, who humbly repents for having doubted you.
Yeah.
Super sorry! And from this day forward he promises never [STAMMERS] Uh-oh.
The Bachelorette's about to start.
Um, promises to not ever doubt the Universe again, keep an open mind, et cetera, et cetera.
Okay, the hex is off you and in that glass of water.
Get rid of it.
Wait what? Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
That's it? The the hex is off? [ QUIRKY MUSIC] What's off, dweeb? [QUIETLY] Uh Nothing.
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING] - [DASH] Ow, my foot! [OBJECTS CRASHING] [DASH] Ow, the rest of me!