The Dangerous Book for Boys (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

The Trojan War

1 Hey, Tiffany, you have a second? - For you, I got 20.
- Great.
Um okay, uh You know Terry busted the dishwasher, and bills are piling up.
I'm gonna have to get a job, really, any job.
So I need you to help me out more with or really at all, with the kids.
No problem.
[CHUCKLES] Not to toot my own horn, but toot-toot, I did a pretty good job of raising my own kids.
[GRUNTING] Don't worry about this moldy old tent messing up your kitchen.
It's going in the living room.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC] I supposed I could step it up a bit.
Thank you.
And there there is one more thing.
- Um - Uh-huh? I really need you to stop having all of your your gentlemen callers come by.
Beth, God, you you have the wrong idea about me.
- I am not that kind of woman.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] Well, there's no judgment.
I just can't have the boys seeing you bring home every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Okay we got to hit the road, Tiff.
For the record, his name is Joe.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC] Uh, what are you doing, Uncle Terry? I was, uh I was starting to feel like a guest on the sofa, but I want to be more permanent around here, so, uh I'm creating my own personal living space.
I guess that makes sense, kind of.
Hey, what's with the lemons? You know, if you want to learn about juggling, your Uncle Terry's the man.
I spent two weeks at Cirque du Soleil camp till I got into a fight with a loud-mouthed mime.
No one puts me in an invisible box.
No, actually, I was thinking of opening up my own lemonade stand, and giving the money to Mom.
That's a great idea.
You know, your father and I did that when we were kids.
You you you should use the, uh, the the the that crazy lemon squeezer he invented for us.
I think I saw it down in the basement, last time I accidentally locked myself in the basement.
You know what? I'll go get it.
You just keep airing this tent out.
Yeah, and don't worry about the spiders.
Those little eight-legged bloodsuckers are more scared of you than you are of them, especially the babies.
Spiders? [GASPS] [SAM] As a spelling bee runner-up, it hurts to write "olde" with an E.
Also, I'm pretty sure that "timey" isn't a word.
Liam told me to write that because we're building a brand, and nostalgia is very now, whatever that means.
Check out my dad's Squeezerator.
You put lemons in like this, and press the red button.
- [HORN HONKS] - Ta-da.
- That's amazing - [SQUEAKING] And it's definitely gonna give me nightmares.
You guys have a serious problem.
Those new neighbor kids opened their own lemonade stand around the corner.
They've got free Krazy Straws and a shade-brella.
Isn't there room for more than one lemonade stand in the neighborhood? Of course not.
Haven't you read "Outliers"? Or any Gladwell at all? Oh, boys, you are so lucky that I'm here.
I'm going to give you the benefit of my prodigious business acumen.
I have no idea what that means.
That means when life gives you Liam, you make Liam-ade.
I think we'll be okay on our own.
That's what Bernard J.
Whittle said.
Who's Bernard J.
Wittle? Exactly.
[LIGHT MUSIC] - Here you go.
- Enjoy.
Tell your friends! And tell them I had nothing to do with the spelling.
Hey, look, it's Bobby and Tyra, those neighbor kids Liam was talking about.
Hey, guys! How's it going with the lemonade stand? [BOTH SCREAMING] - No! - No! Please stop! - Ah! - [GASPS] Those jerks.
Why is this water sticky? It's Mountain Dew! [STAMMERS] I'm not allowed to drink this stuff.
My mom says it gives me the sugar shakes.
[SLURPING] [SOFT COMICAL MUSIC] Okay getting the Astrovan clean.
You know, needs to be semi-presentable if I'm gonna be driving rideshare customers around.
So, listen, guys, Tiffany's gonna be watching you a little more now that I have a job, so I need you to mind her.
Got it, Mom.
Malcolm Gladwell and I warned you.
- [SIGHS] - Business is war.
But you can't just fold after one minor market disruption.
You're right.
I need to get even.
An excellent counterstrategy.
Leave it up to my brains and Dash's brawn.
I have brains, too.
I just like to use them for breaking stuff.
Whoa, whoa, guys, I never said I wanted to break anything.
Don't be so sure.
Free love is great, but revenge is sweet, too.
No, no.
No one's getting revenge on anyone.
What kind of advice is that? The same kind my mom's mom gave me.
Of course, she was the enforcer on her roller derby team.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] [TERRY COUGHS] Hey.
What are you doing? Just laying out my bienvenue.
That's French for "welcome mat.
" No, what are you doing to my house? Uh, increasing its value.
I just added an extra bedroom and a quarter bath.
Oh.
Um, okay Terry, this is this is a terrible idea.
[CHUCKLES] You sound you sound just like Patty.
It's like that time, the the one time I went to him with my own idea for an awesome invention, and he he didn't get it either.
When was this? It was a few years ago.
He said my idea was stupid, and so I said, "No, you're stupid.
" And that's kind of ridiculous, 'cause he was the smartest guy I knew.
We got into this whole fight, and I I I stormed out.
Really? He never told me that.
That was the last thing I ever said to my brother.
- Um, I - Oh, Terry Oh [SOMBER MUSIC] I I I thought there'd be time to fix it, you know.
I thought I thought I could make it right.
I should've called him.
I I There wasn't any time.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I mean, there's never enough time, you know.
I still have so many things I want to talk to Patrick about, too, but - [BELL DINGS] - Oh, my waffles are ready.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - [MOUTHS WORD] Hi, Sam.
Come on in.
Wyatt, Sam's here.
Oh, hey, Sam.
What's up? I'm quitting the lemonade business.
Consider this my two-minute notice.
What? Why? Bobby and Tyra hired that big seventh grader, who's already shaving, and they crammed me in a locker after school.
Those guys are such jerks.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Wyatt, but I need to stay alive long enough to find out how the "Star Wars" movies end.
[DOOR CLOSES] Uncle Terry? [TERRY] Our armies are ready for victory, but we shall reconvene tomorrow.
That is all for now.
And, Achilles, tend to that heel.
[ENCHANTING MUSIC] Hey, champ.
How's it going? Not good.
These kids are really messing with me, Dad.
I'm so mad, I don't know what I feel like doing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now, slow your roll there, buddy.
Let's take a cue from our friend, Achilles.
He also got mad, and you know what happened to him.
He became a hero? Well, yeah, he did, but he also died in battle after launching an all-out attack on Troy.
Now, look, the Greeks won, but only because they got a little sneaky.
- My point is - Ah! I will destroy you with my laser sword! Wait a minute, that's a bug zapper.
- No, it's a - [INSECT BUZZING] - Dang, it is a bug zapper.
- Told you.
See, this is a laser sword.
[SWORD DRONING] - Run! - [BOTH YELLING] Hold on a sec.
This I got to see.
No, Wyatt, Wyatt, we got to talk about what's going on with you! [TERRY] Are you sure you don't want a waffle? Tiffany, seriously? I thought you were making lunches and helping the kids with their homework.
For your information, I have excellent reasons for that.
Which are? - Oh, you want to hear them? - Mm-hmm.
Okay [SCOFFS] Homework is just a mind-control tool used by the dominant paradigm to subjugate its citizenry.
Uh-huh.
And lunch? - Give me a second on that one.
- Oh, you are unbelievable.
[STAMMERING] All I asked was that you help out a little with the kids, and this is what I get? Who do you think I'm beading these necklaces for? [LIGHT BRASS MUSIC] In case they ever get a cat.
[SIGHS] I need your help.
I want to get even with those idiot neighbor kids.
I've been expecting you, grasshopper.
- Who-hopper? - Don't worry about it.
Come sit at my feet, while I devise a clever plan.
[SIGHS] - What do you have there, Dash? - Nothing.
Butt out.
Whatever.
It's revenge time.
Listen up.
Word on the street is the neighbors have muscled up, so we're gonna have to get super sneaky.
Sneaky.
Sneaky like the Greeks.
- I like it.
- You lost me.
And I was already a little lost to begin with.
You know how they used a Trojan Horse to win the war.
Maybe we could do something like that.
I've read all about it in Dad's chapter on the Trojan War.
Well played, Wyatt.
You get a cookie.
We have cookies? Trojan Horse it is.
We'll put you inside that empty patio-furniture box in the basement and leave it at the neighbor's gate.
They'll bring it into the yard, you'll slip out a trapdoor, sabotage their lemonade supply, and And replace their sugar with salt.
That will ruin everything.
I like it.
Dash, you in? Hey, you had me at "cookies.
" [COMICAL MUSIC] Can you drive quickly? I have a job interview, and I want to get there early.
No problem.
You need, I speed.
- [SQUISH] - What the [GASPS] Oh oh, no, I'm so sorry.
That's my son's pudding cup.
This can't be happening, not today! Oh, wait, don't go! Um I need this job, and I really can't afford another zero-star rating, so I promise you, I can fix this.
[CHUCKLES] Also there's a half a grilled cheese stuck to your briefcase.
- [BOTH GRUNTING] - [EXHALES DEEPLY] [DOORBELL BUZZES] Remember, stay quiet.
You're furniture.
I got it, Dash.
Go.
[CLOTHES DRYER BUZZES] Hey.
Here we go.
No one will ever know.
So, would you recommend me to your friends? - You were fine.
- [DOOR OPENS] - Kind of messy, though.
- Sure, sure.
Look what somebody was throwing out or at least left close enough to the curb so that it could be considered public property? Hey.
Nice calves.
You a runner? So, who's bringing who home around here? Oh, no, he's my client.
No, I I mean, I picked him up.
No, I that's not that's not what I meant.
That's not what I meant.
No You people are nuts! - Hey, that's my kimono! - Yep, he's a runner.
Okay, well, great, you guys, because there goes our new dishwasher, so Wait, please, I can make this right! Beth hired a dishwasher? I thought we were tight on money.
Tiffany, check it out.
[GRUNTS] Oh, yeah.
Best seat in the house.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] - Okay! - [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC] Coast is clear.
[GRUNTS] [TYRA] We'll do it later, Mom! [WOMAN] No, you'll put it away now.
[TYRA] I'll be right there! [CELL PHONE BLOOPS] Oh, my God, Wyatt's stuck in the box.
Why is Wyatt in a box? Oh, yeah, I totally forgot about that.
Come on! [DOOR OPEN, CLOSES] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you boys headed? - Outside.
- Upstairs.
And where's Wyatt? - Outside.
- Upstairs.
Okay.
- It's locked.
- It's okay.
We did our best.
Every war has collateral damage.
Ours is Wyatt.
We should get out of here before his loss in vain.
Why do you boys bother lying to me? I've been lying to the man since the man was a little boy.
Where's Wyatt? He's trapped in a box in this backyard.
That's a new one.
Stand aside.
Tiffany, one, the man, zero.
Nice moves.
I'm impressed.
I am no longer impressed.
What are you guys doing here? I don't like your tone, young lady.
That's no way to talk to guests.
And I especially don't like that you attacked Wyatt's lemonade stand.
What are you talking about? He attacked us first.
Yeah, he bombed us with Super Soakers for no reason.
That's what started it all.
Is this true? It was a preemptive strike.
No, we just did it to them before they could do it to us.
Okay, sounds like there's plenty of blame here to go around.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC] Oh, wh what? Take cover! [GRUNTS] Ow! Ow! [GRUNTING] Well, don't just sit there.
Fight back! - Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! [GRUNTS] - Oh! - [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] Hi, Wyatt.
Welcome to the inside of the Trojan Horse.
I thought it would be a lot horsier.
You should've been here before I Febrezed the place.
- [CHUCKLES] - Hey how long do you think the Trojan War lasted? Well, this lemonade fight has been going on for a couple of days, so a week? Try ten years.
Imagine that.
That's crazy.
This fighting stuff is so confusing.
A minute ago, I wanted to crush those neighbor kids.
Then I found out that everything was Dash and Liam's fault.
Everyone thinks they have a good reason for starting the war, but there's really no such thing.
And there's way better stuff to do than spending time inside a sweaty old horse.
I just wanted to help Mom out.
I never wanted all this fighting.
I just wish I could stop it.
You can.
We all can.
The key is to figure out how.
I'll give you a hint.
It usually starts with an apology.
Can I look through the eyehole? That's not the eyehole.
The, uh, eyehole's on the other end of the horse.
- So what is - [CHUCKLES] Oh.
Never mind.
So how do we get out? Well, there's the trapdoor behind you or, uh door number two.
I vote the trapdoor.
You chose wisely.
[GRUNTING] Ow! Ow! Stop! Stop! [SOFT MUSIC] This war has to end now.
Fighting only leads to more fighting, and for what? To win a few yards of lemonade turf? Bobby, Tyra, I'm sorry for getting mad and sneaking in here, and I'm especially sorry that my dumb brothers attacked your lemonade stand.
Technically, I didn't do anything.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry for messing with you.
In hindsight, I should've offered a buyout before going right to hostile takeover.
And I'm sorry I Super-Soaked you guys.
It was super stupid.
I guess we overreacted, too.
We're also sorry.
So friends? Nice work, Wyatt.
Now, let's high-tail it home before your mom busts us.
Joe got us tickets to AC/DC, and I can't afford to be grounded.
Oh, hi, Beth.
They say Blake Shelton has three nipples, and their sources are usually pretty I know what happened.
It's probably just a birth defect.
I got suspicious when I saw you washing clothes and I hadn't begged you to do it, so I asked the kids, and they just boof folded like the laundry you didn't.
[SCOFFS] Ratted out by my own homies.
That hurts.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I I know I let you down.
Cooking and homework, it just isn't my Thank you.
What? A lot of grandmas Right, sorry Uh, a lot of mothers who have children who have children, you know, they bake cookies for those children of their children But you, you risked a lemon attack for them, and that means a lot to me.
Oh, they mean a lot to me.
They're extremely lovable, even that little sneak Liam.
He's the one who flipped on me, right? [CHUCKLES] Okay you want to help me fold the laundry? No but I will.
[GONG SOUNDS] [TERRY] Oh - You gonged? [CHUCKLES] - Uh, yeah.
I found this weird note in the Great Battles section of Dad's book.
It's for you.
It says, "Tell Uncle Terry to look behind the family crest and tell him I'm sorry.
" What's the family crest? The McKenna blazon is three lions on a fess sable.
What? Over here.
Come here.
Have I not shown you this before? Okay, that is our family crest, and behind it is nothing.
[SIGHS] Wait.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC] [GRUNTS] Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLING] The Lazy Lacer.
[WYATT] What's a Lazy Lacer? This was the brilliant idea I told your dad about [CHUCKLES] the one he said was stupid, but he, uh he made it.
He he built it using my design.
I mean, this [CHUCKLES] This is it.
And he said that he was sorry.
Yeah, I'm I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry he's not here right now, so I can give him a big ol' bear hug.
I am, too.
How about we hug each other, huh? Come on.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] [SNIFFLING] [BOTH SIGH] - So what's this thing do? - I'm glad you asked.
Okay you know how everybody wastes so much time every day tying their own shoes? No, not really.
Well, the Lazy Lacer will do it for ya.
Simply take your foot, put it on the Lazy Lacer pedestal, and let the Lazy Lacer do its magic.
Push the button and be ready to be amazed.
[LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC] [DEVICE WHIRRING] [LAUGHS] It's nice and slow.
Interesting.
Human kind will never have to tie its own laces again.
Ka-ching! [CHUCKLES] Come on, let's go show everyone how it works.
In a few minutes.
It's still working on the first loop.
Almost there.
Yeah, I really thought it'd go a little faster.
What are you butt-faces looking at? - Something you want to tell us? - Yes.
Get away from my bed.
I'm talking about that.
I've never seen that before in my life.
We saw you hide it in the closet.
And the bag says "Dash's bag" on it.
[SIGHS] Fine.
So it's a sunflower.
Big deal.
I read about them in Dad's book, and I decided to grow one on my own.
But why were you hiding it from us? I figured you guys would laugh at me.
So go ahead and laugh.
No.
Actually, I think it's really cool.
- You do? - [LIAM] I do, too.
Sunflower oil is a growth industry.
You're ground-flooring a massive investment opportunity.
- You guys want to check it out? - Nope.
Sure.
[GENTLE MUSIC] - Hey, Wyatt? - Yeah? Tell anyone about this, and I'm gonna shave off your eyebrows while you sleep.
[CHUCKLES] [UPBEAT MUSIC] Here you go, ma'am.
Enjoy.
I'd be careful if I was you.
They're coming, and they're super angry.
- Who's coming? - And why are they angry? Bobby and Tyra.
Apparently their customers didn't appreciate lemonade made with salt.
- Who knew? - See ya! Oh, no, I forgot to tell them I swapped their sugar with salt.
Tell my brain to tell my legs to run! No, no, please - [BOTH GRUNT] - [AIR WHISTLING] - [EGGS SMACKING] - [BOTH SCREAM] [MAN SINGING] See See what you have done We look Upon the sea, my wayward son You got caught with two hands in the sugar bowl And your pocket's full of plums Are you gonna stand there and look me in the eye? Are you gonna run? So I pause to reflect upon What I might've done I think I'd cut and run Ooh I'd run Oh, but tell me Didn't we have fun? Just think of all the bad ideas might've never seen the sun