The Detour (2016) s02e11 Episode Script
The Mule
1 Your father has racked up quite the rap sheet customs violations, tax evasion, war profiteering.
It's a pretty long list.
So, you don't talk to each other for years, you reconnect, then all of a sudden, you're driving down to Florida to "get your kids back"? You can see how, from our position, that would seem a little suspicious.
We weren't going to Florida.
Well, where were you going? Cooba.
Don't call it that.
What? That's how you pronounce it.
- No.
- It It isn't.
They call it that.
They do.
They do.
[Sighs.]
Ah, Cooba.
Te amo.
Tell me about it.
I slept in Napoleon's bed last night.
Like, the actual bed Napoleon slept in.
- How was it? - Historic.
My feet hung off the edge, but still, pretty awesome.
Oh, gracias, Carlita.
De nada, Señor Jareb.
I don't know why people say Cuba sucks.
It's awesome! Uh, uno más, por favor.
¿Ah.
Habla Español? Uh, sÃ.
Uh, poquito.
Bueno.
Bueno.
SÃ.
Uh, más lobster.
Thank you.
Yeah, something's got to give.
Nothing good ever lasts for us.
You mean Mom and Dad? Yeah, they're coming, and you know they will ruin it.
That's fine.
I miss them anyway.
Yeah, me too.
Where are they? God, who boats to Cuba? It's the other way around! Yeah, I know, but it's 90 miles, and with the right boat, we can be there in an hour.
Here it is Australia.
Wait, you're using a fake I.
D.
? I'm not gonna rent a boat with a real I.
D.
[Australian accent.]
Oh, no.
No, no.
It's illegal, mate.
Come on, plea No, don't do the accent.
- Please just don't - It's all part of the part.
- Don't do it.
- You got to do the accent.
You don't have to do it.
[Breathing heavily.]
J.
R.
: Do they still have it? Yeah.
They got it.
Still can't figure out why they didn't fly.
It's a long-ass drive.
I want to impress upon you the importance of getting the ass here on time.
The man we're dealing with has literally shot people in the face for a whole lot less.
Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
What ya fishing for? Uh, does it matter? Of course it matters.
The Spanish are hitting bare hooks.
They're running, man.
They're running hard.
We're not we're not fishing.
Well, then, what do you need a fishing boat for? Uh, we're going to Cuba.
Oh.
No.
I can't let you do that.
Why not? Just'cause.
Mm, that's not an answer.
I know, but you just can't.
You know we're not enemies anymore with them.
[Laughs.]
Mate.
Mate, she's winding you up.
It's a joke.
- Ohhh! - Yeah.
Yeah, she's a real card, this one.
So you are going fishing? Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, we're gonna go out and, uh, check out all the, uh, the reefs.
Oh, cool.
Which ones? Oh, all of them.
You know, the best ones.
Oh, you got to check out Dry Tortugas.
Oh, definitely.
Maybe even check out Wet Tortugas.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're quite the fishing duo, us two.
Pick us up some stripers out there.
Oh, you're not gonna find any stripers.
No, not this time of year.
No.
No.
But, uh, codfish, yes.
- No.
- No.
Oh, you know what we're gonna get is, uh, uh, bass.
- No.
- No, not bass.
What I meant to say pickerel.
- No.
- No, definitely.
But, uh, anchovies, they're fighters.
Yeah.
Funny thing about fish.
So, you're definitely not going to Cuba, right? Oh, Cuba? No, mate.
Line up in the streets for butt wipes, like a bunch of commies? Yeah, uh, that's a little racist.
Ah, mate, I'm an Aussie.
It's not racist.
It's honest.
Well, you're in Florida now, home of political correctness and rational thought.
- Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
Yeah, yeah, forgot.
Got a little beach brain.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Brain on the barbie.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, I get that.
We're also home to bath salts.
Yeah.
Yeah, unfortunate.
- You done? - All done.
Just about.
- Yep.
- Just about.
Got things to do.
Bit of a hurry.
You said you grew up on a boat? [Grunts.]
Oh, geez! Yeah, but down under.
You know, we tied the knots on the opposite side.
Starboard side.
You're on the starboard side.
Ah, not in Australia, mate.
You know, everything's backwards.
Night is day, I'm you, you're me.
Love is easy, hate is hard, and such.
- Let me do it.
- Yes.
This one, she's good with the knots.
"Knotty," I suppose.
[Naughty.]
Puns are big in Aussie land.
[Engine starts.]
Hey, mate, where's the gas pedal? Hey! Come here! Oh, oh! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! That guy's got shit for brains.
Robin: All right, you're gonna take a You're going to go left at the island that, uh, looks like a horse.
It's not gonna look like a horse at this angle! Is there a speed limit for boats? No.
This is awesome! Yeah, I mean, it's just a boat.
I know, but I feel like I'm a boat guy, so that's extra-cool for me.
Really? 'Cause you just crashed this into a dock.
Yeah, but I got the hang of it now.
We should get a boat.
We should get our kids.
We Would you give me five seconds of fun without making me feel like an asshole? - Sorry! - Thank you.
- God.
- It's cool.
Speak English, please.
Your Cantonese accent offends me.
That's fine, 'cause your English accent gives me the giggles.
[Chuckles.]
What do you think that's all about? I don't know secret business stuff? Zhi: You can guarantee shipment to my client's ranch in Wyoming? I'm sorry.
Guar Guarantee what? Shipment.
So Sorry.
What? You know what I said.
Don't worry about it.
Importing is sort of my specialty.
My client would like to be able to do certain things to it.
He can sodomize it, for all I care.
Get it? Saddam-ize it? [Chuckles.]
This leads to concern about the completion of the trophy.
The last piece is on its way right now.
The mule must bring the ass.
What is that, one of those "Confucius say" things? No.
That's what needs to happen.
I speak English very well.
You're such a dick.
Sheep-ment.
[Chinese accent.]
"Can you guarantee my sheep-ment?" [Normal voice.]
You bet.
[Latin music plays.]
Nate: Ahh, Cooba.
Don't Don't call it that.
It's what it's called.
Well, for idiots, maybe, but Doesn't look how I imagined it.
- Where's all the old-timey cars? - Yeah, that's Havana.
This is a fishing village like 20 miles up the coast.
[Groans.]
I got to put this down for a sec.
God.
What'd you say? Ah, that's wasted on me, man.
I don't speak a word of Spanish.
I'm actually kind of embarrassed by it.
How do you say "embarrassed" in Spanish? I don't speak Spanish.
You speak Chinese, but you don't speak Spanish? It's a really easy language.
You add an "a" or an "o" to the end of every word.
Yeah, I'm I'm embarrassedo.
Embarrassedo.
Oui, yeah.
- What? - No, not her.
She speaks like a million languages.
It's me.
Me embarrassado.
Yes, very.
Muy embarrassado.
Like, all over, man.
I'm I'm I'm embarrassed by it.
I-I should've studied in school.
Hey.
Come on.
Let's go.
Would you give me a minute? We just got here! This isn't a vacation! Our children have been abducted! And there's no ticking clock, is there, okay? They're not strapped to a nuke.
Okay, just give me a second to enjoy this before it's ruined by dumb, fat Americans who think they own every Oh, my God.
I love that hat.
- Can I buy this hat? - No! I thought you were fine with a white man trying on other cultures' hats.
Not when it makes you look like a douche! - This makes me look awesome! - It doesn't! Hey, man, how much for this? Yeah, I know it's a sombrero.
How much? I want it.
What, 5? Is that U.
S.
or Cuban? Oh! Now it's 10.
Oh, I get that game, pal.
Which is it, 5 or 10? Sweetie? You want to stop haggling? Um, that's the culture down here, okay? Okay, listen, basta too mucho, okay? I'll I say 4.
I look like I can afford 5, but I'm out of work, so Shit.
Oh, shit! Nate.
That It's that God, he's tenacious.
Come on.
Go.
Go, go, go, go.
Are you kidding me? God.
I would've rocked that hat, bro.
Nate! I'm coming! Go! Go! Okay, all right.
This is feeling a little more like Cuba.
Still not a vacation.
You know, pastel buildings, pineapples for sale in the streets.
- Stay focused.
- These guys.
Don't talk to them.
- Hello.
- Don't Don't.
- Revolutionaries.
- Nate.
- Americanos.
We're legal now.
- Shh! Shh! Come on.
- Don't shoot-o.
- Stop! What? Oh! We should get something for the kids.
We don't have time to stop and get anything for the kids.
Poster of Gael GarcÃa Bernal.
Here, let's take this.
Jump in and take this taxi.
Old-timey cars! Yes! - Come on.
Get in.
- What? Where's the driver? - I don't know.
Do you see him? - No.
So, uh [Whistles.]
We can't just take it ourselves.
It doesn't belong to us.
No, it belongs to the government.
They just rent it out from the government.
What does it matter if we pay or they pay? Just throw some money in it.
Okay, all right, all right.
Yeah.
Obviously.
5? Yeah? For how long to rent? The half-hour? An hour? 5? I bet you I can get him down to 4.
Shit.
Come on, come on.
Get in, get in! - Throw money in it.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna give you a basta 5, all right? - Cool.
- Hey, come on.
- Come on! - Yeah.
[Grunts.]
[Engine starts.]
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Okay! Nate, go! They're coming! Whoo! All right! Yeah! [Laughing.]
Yeah! These are cool.
Look at these.
These make me look cool? - You can't pull them off.
- That looks cool.
Hey Oh, look at this bar.
Man, I bet you Hemingway drank there.
- We should stop and get a drink.
- Oh, you want to go - You want to have a drink? - Oh, shit! - Ah, shit! - You want to have a drink? That's bad on the car.
Yes.
Where am I going? Just keep going straight, and then you're gonna take a left.
- Left here? - Yeah.
- Here? - Yes! [Grunts.]
Ah, shit! Damn it.
What do I do? - I got to reverse.
- Yeah, go back.
- [Horn honking "La Cucaracha".]
- Oh, no! No! Go back! Back up! Out of the way! I'm reversing! Ah, crap.
What do I do? I don't know.
Just plow through it.
Haven't I crashed enough vehicles for one day?! Those things are made for destroying, like in the movies.
I'm not gonna smash through this, babe! It's for the children, Nate! God.
Why do I let you do this to me? [Tires squeal.]
- [Tires screech.]
- [Groans.]
- Oh, boy, we really made a mess.
- Keep driving! We got to go back and apologize! Nate, if my dad gets ahold of this ass, we lose all of our leverage.
Go! Keep driving! [Engine shuts off.]
Oh, what happened? What? - What happened? - I don't know.
What happened? You broke it! I was sitting in the back! You told me to do it! - [Engine sputtering.]
- Go! Oh, boy.
Oh, they're mad.
Oh, boy.
- Get out.
- Yeah.
Get the ass.
Okay.
- Get the ass, babe.
- I got it.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, my God.
Careful, man! I'm sorry! Sorry.
Sorry.
Nate, Nate, Nate! [Mob shouting.]
- I'm sorry! - [Gunshots.]
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Oh, damn it! It's private property.
We can't go through here.
Nate, it's Cuba.
How many times do I have to tell you this? It's all for the people.
Oh, my God, it's - [Electricity crackles.]
- Aah! Ow! Ohhhh! That's electrified! - God! - Did that hurt? Yes! Sorry.
I think you might be being a little dramatic.
- It's just - Oh, am I? 'Cause electricity usually suggests "Keep out.
" I think it's more the animals stay in.
So Nate: Not gonna make it.
That big ol' butt's gonna get caught.
That thing's gonna get zapped.
You gonna get zzzapped! [Electricity crackles.]
[Laughs.]
[Grunts.]
I told you it was gonna hurt.
It didn't hurt.
It smarted a little bit.
Hurt a lot.
It smarted.
- I'm not gonna fit through there.
- Yeah, just do what I did.
I don't do yoga, okay? I work.
- I'm going over.
- No, babe.
- Yep.
Yep.
- Why don't You know what? I'm gonna circle back around.
You take a rest.
This one first.
[Grunts.]
Whoa! One down.
- Sweetie.
- Here comes the champ.
- I-I don't think you can do this.
- Phew! Honey, you're not gonna make it.
I used to do hurdles.
- When? - In middle school.
Babe, you're white.
You can't jump.
Oh, no? That was barely a hop.
What's that? What What are you doing? Stretching.
That's not Honey, that's not Oh, God, that's not a stretch.
Come on.
Have some faith, woman.
Whoo! [Exhales sharply.]
Get some! Whoo! Boom! I got [Screaming.]
[Electricity crackling.]
Help! [Groaning.]
I can't.
I can't, honey.
You're You're a conduit.
Just roll through it.
[Grunting.]
[Screaming.]
Get to the other side.
You're good.
You're good.
You got this.
You're mak ing it w-w-w-worse! [Sighs.]
- Hey, babe.
- Mm-hmm? You okay? You okay to keep going? Yeah.
Yeah.
I just need, like, one more minute.
- Okay.
- Just to sit.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Do you hear that hissing? Hmm? [Hisses.]
You hear that? It's probably just an iguana or something.
Iguanas don't hiss.
They grunt.
- How do you know that? - Everybody knows that.
- Nobody knows that.
- [Grunting.]
That's an iguana.
You got zapped real bad.
It's probably electricity in your head, huh? - You don't hear that? - I don't hear [Hissing.]
I hear you doing that.
I don't hear That's all I hear.
Okay, well, if you get bitten by a snake, not my fault.
Okay.
[Hissing.]
Hey! Jackass is screaming about something.
He looks pissed.
Yeah, 'cause we're in his field, probably.
Well, yeah, but we're lost.
- We're lost.
- We're not gonna hurt you.
Sorry.
Come on, dude.
You don't want this.
- Oh, God.
- Is that dynamite? - [Bull lows.]
- I don't know.
- Oh, my God! He's gonna kill that bull! What are you doing?! I got to save that bull.
I got to save that bull! Nate! Nate! [Bull lows.]
Ohh! Holy shit! [Spits.]
Oh, babe! Ohhh.
What the hell did you just do? Seriously! What is your major malfunction?! You just killed a bull! Look what you did!! This is the height of animal cruelty! Yeah, if Cuba had a PETA, we'd be on the phone with them right now! I know you guys are trying to step into the "modern era," but you got a lot to learn about how we treat our animals! You are a monster.
Monster.
That's for that bull.
Oh [Breathing shakily.]
[Insects buzzing.]
God.
Buzz off.
God.
I think we're lost.
No, we're on target.
I feel like we've been here before.
Oh, I'm sorry were you raised by an international trafficker of illicit goods? No, I was raised by an insufferable alcoholic twat.
Exactly.
So why don't you relax and listen to me? Because I know where I'm going.
You sure about that? Oh, well, shit.
What's up, man? [Crying.]
Oh, God! We just walked in a six-hour circle! It's okay.
It's okay.
Oh, my God! I am so tired! I'm not blaming you, even though it was your fault.
It wasn't my fault! It's okay.
It's okay.
Just lay down, okay? Just lay down and relax.
Please don't tell me to relax! Okay, okay! Okay! We're gonna be fine, all right? Oh, I don't feel so good.
I know.
I know.
I'm just gonna go wash this mad cow off me and, uh Okay.
I'll try to find us a ride or something, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- Give me a kiss.
- I can't.
- I can't do that.
- I know.
I know.
I smell.
I'm sorry.
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
[Crying.]
Oh, this is this is so nice.
[Sniffling.]
[Sighs.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
Hey-o.
Hello-o.
Hey, I had a little accident.
I got bull guts all over me.
You wouldn't happen to have any soap, would you? Yeah.
To wash.
- Yeah.
- SÃ, sÃ? May I have some? Yeah.
S'il vous plaît.
That's sopa, for washing? Yeah.
I get it, okay? It's just it's weird.
So that's communism for you, right? Thank you.
Not much of a lather to this thing, huh? It's doing the trick.
You know, it's funny I used to work in topical surfactants, but I have never seen a sopa like this before.
It's weird, but it works.
Yeah.
That's working nice.
Ahh.
I like the spice to it.
It's like an Old Spice.
It's nice.
I got to say, I thought it was weird, but I guess you communists are all right.
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
J.
R.
Man, what's up? I knew you'd find us.
That's great.
That's a hell of an ass.
You're telling me, brother.
It's the velodrome.
She cycles like a fiend keeping it in shape for this guy.
I get some.
No, it's just another fat American.
You better get used to seeing him around here, amigo.
It's a pretty long list.
So, you don't talk to each other for years, you reconnect, then all of a sudden, you're driving down to Florida to "get your kids back"? You can see how, from our position, that would seem a little suspicious.
We weren't going to Florida.
Well, where were you going? Cooba.
Don't call it that.
What? That's how you pronounce it.
- No.
- It It isn't.
They call it that.
They do.
They do.
[Sighs.]
Ah, Cooba.
Te amo.
Tell me about it.
I slept in Napoleon's bed last night.
Like, the actual bed Napoleon slept in.
- How was it? - Historic.
My feet hung off the edge, but still, pretty awesome.
Oh, gracias, Carlita.
De nada, Señor Jareb.
I don't know why people say Cuba sucks.
It's awesome! Uh, uno más, por favor.
¿Ah.
Habla Español? Uh, sÃ.
Uh, poquito.
Bueno.
Bueno.
SÃ.
Uh, más lobster.
Thank you.
Yeah, something's got to give.
Nothing good ever lasts for us.
You mean Mom and Dad? Yeah, they're coming, and you know they will ruin it.
That's fine.
I miss them anyway.
Yeah, me too.
Where are they? God, who boats to Cuba? It's the other way around! Yeah, I know, but it's 90 miles, and with the right boat, we can be there in an hour.
Here it is Australia.
Wait, you're using a fake I.
D.
? I'm not gonna rent a boat with a real I.
D.
[Australian accent.]
Oh, no.
No, no.
It's illegal, mate.
Come on, plea No, don't do the accent.
- Please just don't - It's all part of the part.
- Don't do it.
- You got to do the accent.
You don't have to do it.
[Breathing heavily.]
J.
R.
: Do they still have it? Yeah.
They got it.
Still can't figure out why they didn't fly.
It's a long-ass drive.
I want to impress upon you the importance of getting the ass here on time.
The man we're dealing with has literally shot people in the face for a whole lot less.
Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
What ya fishing for? Uh, does it matter? Of course it matters.
The Spanish are hitting bare hooks.
They're running, man.
They're running hard.
We're not we're not fishing.
Well, then, what do you need a fishing boat for? Uh, we're going to Cuba.
Oh.
No.
I can't let you do that.
Why not? Just'cause.
Mm, that's not an answer.
I know, but you just can't.
You know we're not enemies anymore with them.
[Laughs.]
Mate.
Mate, she's winding you up.
It's a joke.
- Ohhh! - Yeah.
Yeah, she's a real card, this one.
So you are going fishing? Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, we're gonna go out and, uh, check out all the, uh, the reefs.
Oh, cool.
Which ones? Oh, all of them.
You know, the best ones.
Oh, you got to check out Dry Tortugas.
Oh, definitely.
Maybe even check out Wet Tortugas.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're quite the fishing duo, us two.
Pick us up some stripers out there.
Oh, you're not gonna find any stripers.
No, not this time of year.
No.
No.
But, uh, codfish, yes.
- No.
- No.
Oh, you know what we're gonna get is, uh, uh, bass.
- No.
- No, not bass.
What I meant to say pickerel.
- No.
- No, definitely.
But, uh, anchovies, they're fighters.
Yeah.
Funny thing about fish.
So, you're definitely not going to Cuba, right? Oh, Cuba? No, mate.
Line up in the streets for butt wipes, like a bunch of commies? Yeah, uh, that's a little racist.
Ah, mate, I'm an Aussie.
It's not racist.
It's honest.
Well, you're in Florida now, home of political correctness and rational thought.
- Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
Yeah, yeah, forgot.
Got a little beach brain.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Brain on the barbie.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, I get that.
We're also home to bath salts.
Yeah.
Yeah, unfortunate.
- You done? - All done.
Just about.
- Yep.
- Just about.
Got things to do.
Bit of a hurry.
You said you grew up on a boat? [Grunts.]
Oh, geez! Yeah, but down under.
You know, we tied the knots on the opposite side.
Starboard side.
You're on the starboard side.
Ah, not in Australia, mate.
You know, everything's backwards.
Night is day, I'm you, you're me.
Love is easy, hate is hard, and such.
- Let me do it.
- Yes.
This one, she's good with the knots.
"Knotty," I suppose.
[Naughty.]
Puns are big in Aussie land.
[Engine starts.]
Hey, mate, where's the gas pedal? Hey! Come here! Oh, oh! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! That guy's got shit for brains.
Robin: All right, you're gonna take a You're going to go left at the island that, uh, looks like a horse.
It's not gonna look like a horse at this angle! Is there a speed limit for boats? No.
This is awesome! Yeah, I mean, it's just a boat.
I know, but I feel like I'm a boat guy, so that's extra-cool for me.
Really? 'Cause you just crashed this into a dock.
Yeah, but I got the hang of it now.
We should get a boat.
We should get our kids.
We Would you give me five seconds of fun without making me feel like an asshole? - Sorry! - Thank you.
- God.
- It's cool.
Speak English, please.
Your Cantonese accent offends me.
That's fine, 'cause your English accent gives me the giggles.
[Chuckles.]
What do you think that's all about? I don't know secret business stuff? Zhi: You can guarantee shipment to my client's ranch in Wyoming? I'm sorry.
Guar Guarantee what? Shipment.
So Sorry.
What? You know what I said.
Don't worry about it.
Importing is sort of my specialty.
My client would like to be able to do certain things to it.
He can sodomize it, for all I care.
Get it? Saddam-ize it? [Chuckles.]
This leads to concern about the completion of the trophy.
The last piece is on its way right now.
The mule must bring the ass.
What is that, one of those "Confucius say" things? No.
That's what needs to happen.
I speak English very well.
You're such a dick.
Sheep-ment.
[Chinese accent.]
"Can you guarantee my sheep-ment?" [Normal voice.]
You bet.
[Latin music plays.]
Nate: Ahh, Cooba.
Don't Don't call it that.
It's what it's called.
Well, for idiots, maybe, but Doesn't look how I imagined it.
- Where's all the old-timey cars? - Yeah, that's Havana.
This is a fishing village like 20 miles up the coast.
[Groans.]
I got to put this down for a sec.
God.
What'd you say? Ah, that's wasted on me, man.
I don't speak a word of Spanish.
I'm actually kind of embarrassed by it.
How do you say "embarrassed" in Spanish? I don't speak Spanish.
You speak Chinese, but you don't speak Spanish? It's a really easy language.
You add an "a" or an "o" to the end of every word.
Yeah, I'm I'm embarrassedo.
Embarrassedo.
Oui, yeah.
- What? - No, not her.
She speaks like a million languages.
It's me.
Me embarrassado.
Yes, very.
Muy embarrassado.
Like, all over, man.
I'm I'm I'm embarrassed by it.
I-I should've studied in school.
Hey.
Come on.
Let's go.
Would you give me a minute? We just got here! This isn't a vacation! Our children have been abducted! And there's no ticking clock, is there, okay? They're not strapped to a nuke.
Okay, just give me a second to enjoy this before it's ruined by dumb, fat Americans who think they own every Oh, my God.
I love that hat.
- Can I buy this hat? - No! I thought you were fine with a white man trying on other cultures' hats.
Not when it makes you look like a douche! - This makes me look awesome! - It doesn't! Hey, man, how much for this? Yeah, I know it's a sombrero.
How much? I want it.
What, 5? Is that U.
S.
or Cuban? Oh! Now it's 10.
Oh, I get that game, pal.
Which is it, 5 or 10? Sweetie? You want to stop haggling? Um, that's the culture down here, okay? Okay, listen, basta too mucho, okay? I'll I say 4.
I look like I can afford 5, but I'm out of work, so Shit.
Oh, shit! Nate.
That It's that God, he's tenacious.
Come on.
Go.
Go, go, go, go.
Are you kidding me? God.
I would've rocked that hat, bro.
Nate! I'm coming! Go! Go! Okay, all right.
This is feeling a little more like Cuba.
Still not a vacation.
You know, pastel buildings, pineapples for sale in the streets.
- Stay focused.
- These guys.
Don't talk to them.
- Hello.
- Don't Don't.
- Revolutionaries.
- Nate.
- Americanos.
We're legal now.
- Shh! Shh! Come on.
- Don't shoot-o.
- Stop! What? Oh! We should get something for the kids.
We don't have time to stop and get anything for the kids.
Poster of Gael GarcÃa Bernal.
Here, let's take this.
Jump in and take this taxi.
Old-timey cars! Yes! - Come on.
Get in.
- What? Where's the driver? - I don't know.
Do you see him? - No.
So, uh [Whistles.]
We can't just take it ourselves.
It doesn't belong to us.
No, it belongs to the government.
They just rent it out from the government.
What does it matter if we pay or they pay? Just throw some money in it.
Okay, all right, all right.
Yeah.
Obviously.
5? Yeah? For how long to rent? The half-hour? An hour? 5? I bet you I can get him down to 4.
Shit.
Come on, come on.
Get in, get in! - Throw money in it.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna give you a basta 5, all right? - Cool.
- Hey, come on.
- Come on! - Yeah.
[Grunts.]
[Engine starts.]
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Okay! Nate, go! They're coming! Whoo! All right! Yeah! [Laughing.]
Yeah! These are cool.
Look at these.
These make me look cool? - You can't pull them off.
- That looks cool.
Hey Oh, look at this bar.
Man, I bet you Hemingway drank there.
- We should stop and get a drink.
- Oh, you want to go - You want to have a drink? - Oh, shit! - Ah, shit! - You want to have a drink? That's bad on the car.
Yes.
Where am I going? Just keep going straight, and then you're gonna take a left.
- Left here? - Yeah.
- Here? - Yes! [Grunts.]
Ah, shit! Damn it.
What do I do? - I got to reverse.
- Yeah, go back.
- [Horn honking "La Cucaracha".]
- Oh, no! No! Go back! Back up! Out of the way! I'm reversing! Ah, crap.
What do I do? I don't know.
Just plow through it.
Haven't I crashed enough vehicles for one day?! Those things are made for destroying, like in the movies.
I'm not gonna smash through this, babe! It's for the children, Nate! God.
Why do I let you do this to me? [Tires squeal.]
- [Tires screech.]
- [Groans.]
- Oh, boy, we really made a mess.
- Keep driving! We got to go back and apologize! Nate, if my dad gets ahold of this ass, we lose all of our leverage.
Go! Keep driving! [Engine shuts off.]
Oh, what happened? What? - What happened? - I don't know.
What happened? You broke it! I was sitting in the back! You told me to do it! - [Engine sputtering.]
- Go! Oh, boy.
Oh, they're mad.
Oh, boy.
- Get out.
- Yeah.
Get the ass.
Okay.
- Get the ass, babe.
- I got it.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, my God.
Careful, man! I'm sorry! Sorry.
Sorry.
Nate, Nate, Nate! [Mob shouting.]
- I'm sorry! - [Gunshots.]
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Oh, damn it! It's private property.
We can't go through here.
Nate, it's Cuba.
How many times do I have to tell you this? It's all for the people.
Oh, my God, it's - [Electricity crackles.]
- Aah! Ow! Ohhhh! That's electrified! - God! - Did that hurt? Yes! Sorry.
I think you might be being a little dramatic.
- It's just - Oh, am I? 'Cause electricity usually suggests "Keep out.
" I think it's more the animals stay in.
So Nate: Not gonna make it.
That big ol' butt's gonna get caught.
That thing's gonna get zapped.
You gonna get zzzapped! [Electricity crackles.]
[Laughs.]
[Grunts.]
I told you it was gonna hurt.
It didn't hurt.
It smarted a little bit.
Hurt a lot.
It smarted.
- I'm not gonna fit through there.
- Yeah, just do what I did.
I don't do yoga, okay? I work.
- I'm going over.
- No, babe.
- Yep.
Yep.
- Why don't You know what? I'm gonna circle back around.
You take a rest.
This one first.
[Grunts.]
Whoa! One down.
- Sweetie.
- Here comes the champ.
- I-I don't think you can do this.
- Phew! Honey, you're not gonna make it.
I used to do hurdles.
- When? - In middle school.
Babe, you're white.
You can't jump.
Oh, no? That was barely a hop.
What's that? What What are you doing? Stretching.
That's not Honey, that's not Oh, God, that's not a stretch.
Come on.
Have some faith, woman.
Whoo! [Exhales sharply.]
Get some! Whoo! Boom! I got [Screaming.]
[Electricity crackling.]
Help! [Groaning.]
I can't.
I can't, honey.
You're You're a conduit.
Just roll through it.
[Grunting.]
[Screaming.]
Get to the other side.
You're good.
You're good.
You got this.
You're mak ing it w-w-w-worse! [Sighs.]
- Hey, babe.
- Mm-hmm? You okay? You okay to keep going? Yeah.
Yeah.
I just need, like, one more minute.
- Okay.
- Just to sit.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Do you hear that hissing? Hmm? [Hisses.]
You hear that? It's probably just an iguana or something.
Iguanas don't hiss.
They grunt.
- How do you know that? - Everybody knows that.
- Nobody knows that.
- [Grunting.]
That's an iguana.
You got zapped real bad.
It's probably electricity in your head, huh? - You don't hear that? - I don't hear [Hissing.]
I hear you doing that.
I don't hear That's all I hear.
Okay, well, if you get bitten by a snake, not my fault.
Okay.
[Hissing.]
Hey! Jackass is screaming about something.
He looks pissed.
Yeah, 'cause we're in his field, probably.
Well, yeah, but we're lost.
- We're lost.
- We're not gonna hurt you.
Sorry.
Come on, dude.
You don't want this.
- Oh, God.
- Is that dynamite? - [Bull lows.]
- I don't know.
- Oh, my God! He's gonna kill that bull! What are you doing?! I got to save that bull.
I got to save that bull! Nate! Nate! [Bull lows.]
Ohh! Holy shit! [Spits.]
Oh, babe! Ohhh.
What the hell did you just do? Seriously! What is your major malfunction?! You just killed a bull! Look what you did!! This is the height of animal cruelty! Yeah, if Cuba had a PETA, we'd be on the phone with them right now! I know you guys are trying to step into the "modern era," but you got a lot to learn about how we treat our animals! You are a monster.
Monster.
That's for that bull.
Oh [Breathing shakily.]
[Insects buzzing.]
God.
Buzz off.
God.
I think we're lost.
No, we're on target.
I feel like we've been here before.
Oh, I'm sorry were you raised by an international trafficker of illicit goods? No, I was raised by an insufferable alcoholic twat.
Exactly.
So why don't you relax and listen to me? Because I know where I'm going.
You sure about that? Oh, well, shit.
What's up, man? [Crying.]
Oh, God! We just walked in a six-hour circle! It's okay.
It's okay.
Oh, my God! I am so tired! I'm not blaming you, even though it was your fault.
It wasn't my fault! It's okay.
It's okay.
Just lay down, okay? Just lay down and relax.
Please don't tell me to relax! Okay, okay! Okay! We're gonna be fine, all right? Oh, I don't feel so good.
I know.
I know.
I'm just gonna go wash this mad cow off me and, uh Okay.
I'll try to find us a ride or something, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- Give me a kiss.
- I can't.
- I can't do that.
- I know.
I know.
I smell.
I'm sorry.
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
[Crying.]
Oh, this is this is so nice.
[Sniffling.]
[Sighs.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
Hey-o.
Hello-o.
Hey, I had a little accident.
I got bull guts all over me.
You wouldn't happen to have any soap, would you? Yeah.
To wash.
- Yeah.
- SÃ, sÃ? May I have some? Yeah.
S'il vous plaît.
That's sopa, for washing? Yeah.
I get it, okay? It's just it's weird.
So that's communism for you, right? Thank you.
Not much of a lather to this thing, huh? It's doing the trick.
You know, it's funny I used to work in topical surfactants, but I have never seen a sopa like this before.
It's weird, but it works.
Yeah.
That's working nice.
Ahh.
I like the spice to it.
It's like an Old Spice.
It's nice.
I got to say, I thought it was weird, but I guess you communists are all right.
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
J.
R.
Man, what's up? I knew you'd find us.
That's great.
That's a hell of an ass.
You're telling me, brother.
It's the velodrome.
She cycles like a fiend keeping it in shape for this guy.
I get some.
No, it's just another fat American.
You better get used to seeing him around here, amigo.