The Detour (2016) s02e12 Episode Script
The Ass
1 We need to be able to call a lawyer.
- I already called one.
- You don't know any lawyers.
Yes, I do, and he's on his way.
I am running out of time.
You were in Cuba.
Your father stole your children to his palace.
We have the coordinates.
You were running this ass as collateral.
What the hell is this ass? Rise and shine, Gummy Bear.
Daddy's here.
What's happening? Where am I? You're home.
Where are my children? You mean my grandchildren.
Nate?! Nate! Where are you?! [Chuckling.]
Hey! Look who's up, sleepy head.
Why didn't you wake me up?! You were sleeping like an angel.
It reminded me of when you were little and I came into your room.
It was late, and you were sleeping, just like you were a few minutes ago.
That's a real shitty story.
- Hey, look - Oh.
Have a hot bath, have some hot coffee.
Everything's hot down here.
You're gonna feel great.
Need I remind you, this maniac kidnapped our ch Are you drinking? Mm? No, it's a mojito.
That's drinking.
Uh, no.
It's more like a wet salad.
What? But, still, I am a fiend for these things.
It's the mint from the garden This isn't a vacation, Nate! Hey, look, I know you're upset, and, trust me, when I woke up, I was livid.
[Groaning.]
[Latin music playing.]
What's happening? Buenos dÃas, señor.
Where am I? Huh? Unh [Chuckling.]
But now I feel like a new man.
- Seriously.
- [Knock on door.]
[Sighs.]
I don't Buenos dÃas, señora.
[Clears throat.]
Robin, Carlita.
Carlita, Robin uh, mi esposa.
Well, not really.
One day, no? I promise.
That's what this is for.
We'll get to it.
She's Okay, you're friends.
Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Kids? Kids?! I got to see my kids.
Babe, no, they're fine.
I saw them.
They're great.
They're having a great time.
Easy, Gummy Bear.
You're dehydrated.
Don't call me that.
How did we get here? Oh.
Yes.
Dude.
Thank you so much.
Really appreciate that.
The Internet's so bad down here.
- I just want to see what - Nate, Nate, Nate! That's mad mask man who was following us! - Who Conrad? - Yeah.
He's my transpo captain.
He's terrifying.
Oh, that's the nebulizer.
He's got crippling asthma.
See? No, he was gonna take you to the airport, But then you decided to drive yourself to Florida.
And you call me a maniac.
She peed in the van.
I don't know.
It's like trying to fill up a shot glass with a wet sponge.
And then I had him get you a helicopter, but you jumped on some stupid fishing boat.
And this idiot ran it up on the dock.
Who doesn't know how to drive a boat? You just point it straight and go.
I'm not a boat guy.
You don't have to be a boat guy to drive it out of a slip.
All right, once again, how did we get here? Did you drug us or something? We found you asleep.
We were awake for 48 hours straight, okay? We just passed out.
Just like that one time I carried you when you were little and you didn't even stir.
God! Your stories of my youth suck so bad! Okay, okay, look.
What's done is done.
You're here.
And I've got a pretty big surprise for you.
Oh, do you? Is it even a bigger surprise than you kidnapping my children for a worthless piece of metal? I told you, that's not what it's about.
He's not a bad guy.
You've been brainwashed, Nate.
You've been rubbed out.
No! I told her to stop! Right? Hi.
This is all about my love for you and your family.
[Sighs.]
I don't need your love.
I have all the love I need from my own family.
I hate you! No, you Don't say that! I want to stay! Well, you can't! Pee-Paw said we could stay as long as we want.
Such a stupid name.
We came up with that name! Yeah.
He's the best.
I mean, he lets us swear.
Hey! You're not allowed to swear! - You're such a [bleep.]
- What?! Don't you ever, ever use that horrible word again! It's actually a pretty good word.
It means so many things.
You're never allowed to use it.
It's almost every other word in Scotland.
- You're not in Scotland! - Okay.
What if I'm on a Scottish beach and I get sand in my [bleep.]
? - No! Shh! - No! Close your lips! Downstairs lady lips also means - No! Stop talking! - No! No! The only reason I am keeping any kind of composure is because I know he is manipulating you.
- And you're not?! - No! I'm I'm trying to do what's best for you.
You made us live in a trailer when we could have been living here! Can you help me, please? He's not wrong on that one.
Oh, my Go Guys, listen to me.
This place was built on dirty money.
I don't want that kind of influence on you guys.
Listen, I get that, but I get the feeling he's trying to go legit.
Ugh! You're so gullible.
He's a professional lair, Nate.
So are you! We have a grandfather our whole lives, and you kept him from us.
Because he's a criminal! And you're not? Is that Dick Cheney? Yeah, probably is.
Yeah.
Pee-Paw's selling him something secret.
He was waiting on some stupid mule to bring an ass.
You don't go legit all at once.
You're right.
Wait.
What? I am? I'm right? Mm-hmm.
You are right.
You're right.
Sorry.
God! I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm being so childish.
I mean, who am I as their mother to say they can't just spew profanity? Within reason, you know? And this guy he's a businessman.
He deals in exotic trade with influential people.
I get it.
It's a living.
- It's unique, sure.
You know? - It is.
It is.
Wait.
So we can stay? You bet.
You can stay.
I have an idea.
Why don't you guys stay here.
I'm gonna go to town, and I'm gonna get my own little surprise for Paw-Paw.
- It's "Pee-Paw.
" - It's stupid.
Wait.
Hold on.
You sure you're okay with this? That was a real quick turn you just did there.
Yeah, no.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm great, though.
I am.
I'm good.
I just I feel like I need to put an end to this feud once and for all, you know, for the sake of all of us, for our future.
Sure.
Yeah.
You want me to go to town with you? No.
Nah.
This is something I'm gonna do on my own.
You just stay here, you guys.
Stay here and relax.
- You know what? I will relax.
- Great.
'Cause, unlike when I tell you, I listen.
You know, I go, "Yes.
" - "I should relax, babe.
I'm too tense.
" - 'Kay.
You know, maybe I'll get a massage.
From, uh Hey! That's my friend over there.
Okay, good, good.
[Latin music playing.]
Yeah.
It's the mojitos.
I think they loosen up my hips.
[Chuckles.]
Speaking of which, this ice is safe to drink, right? - I don't want to get sick.
- [Clears throat.]
Oh, hey.
Sorry.
Sorry, sir.
[Clears throat.]
She asked me to dance.
I thought it would be rude if I said no.
You know, it's custom and everything.
I know it looks sensual, but it's, apparently, not sexual in any way, shape, or form.
Sure it is.
Um I'm still very much in love with your daughter deep, deep, deep, deeply in love with her.
And, uh I don't know why I'm so nervous around you all of a sudden.
It's weird, you know.
I've never gone through this father-in-law thing before.
But, uh you know, I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, I speak for my whole family when I say, uh you know I love you, Dad.
- Okay.
- That was weird.
That was weird.
It was weird.
It was too much, too quick.
I get it, I get it.
It's the mojitos talking.
I want to make something perfectly clear.
Sure.
I would have done the same thing for any guy Robin settled down with.
Right.
Sorry.
I'm not I'm not following you.
Everything you have in your life is because of me.
No, I kn I'm thankful for you setting me up in New York.
You know, it was a little weird how you did it, but, you know I had a life before that.
I had a job.
Did you? You were a part-time lab monkey at PFR when you met her.
I called my mountaineering buddy, Mr.
Gupta, and the next day, you were an executive.
You didn't think that was kind of weird? Thought it was 'cause I was doing a good job.
You are nothing without me.
Enjoy the party, Nate.
And lose the hat.
Makes you look like a douche.
S-Same hat.
[Music continues.]
Robin: Why is it always raining in this valley?! Cuba! [Thunder rumbles.]
Good God! [Applause.]
J.
R.
: Hola.
I want to thank you all for coming to this exciting unveiling.
This iconic statue has taken decades to finally come back together a piece of history.
It was thought to have been destroyed.
It's now fully restored and is now the prized possession of this gentleman.
[Applause.]
My daughter, Robin, was supposed to be here, but her children and their father who I know is appreciative of all this they're here.
Nate, kids, take a bow.
[Applause.]
This is all for you guys.
Sit down, Nate.
Yeah.
Not everyone here knows that I was born with next to nothing.
And the only way I could provide for my one and only daughter was to work hard.
Did I cut a few corners? Dick: Show me the Goddamn statue.
Okay.
Here we go.
[Middle Eastern music plays.]
Holy shit! How did you get that? [Indistinct shouting.]
J.
R.
: Great.
Head right in here, boys.
Arms and legs, too.
[British accent.]
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! W-W-W-W-Who are you chaps with? - Who do you think? - Ain't that the truth.
I count about 32 Iraqis and 600 bloody journalists.
It's the most staged photo op since Iwo Jima.
You must be envious of the lads who served during the Raj.
- Ooh.
- No media, no pressure Just the beauties of Colonial India.
Oh, you know you know the Indians a civilized people.
- Exactly.
- Took a while, but they got there.
- Yeah.
- T-They got there.
Still, you know what? I'm not sure you can take this stuff.
Why not? Well, 'cause this property belongs to, um Well, I'm not technically sure who it belongs to right now, but Then what's it to you? Ah, that's actually a good point.
You know, we're only here 'cause Blair is Bush's golf buddy.
Who singularly failed to learn the lessons of hundreds of years of failed nation-building.
- Right? - Mm.
Still, it does beat London in the winter, and the kebabs are decent.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Eh You know what? These people are just gonna whack it with sticks anyway and shove bottle rockets in it.
As you were.
Carry on.
God save the queen.
Oh, keep it under your hat.
Naughty.
God, you are so cool.
[Chuckles.]
There's a hole in the back.
Ah, yes the pièce de résistance.
[Snaps fingers.]
[Crowd gasping, chuckling.]
Jesus Christ.
We were carrying around the ass of Saddam Hussein? Mm-hmm.
And that ass just made you a cool $10 million.
Surprise! Sorry.
What? That was my surprise a life of freedom.
10 million American dollars, not Cuban? Yeah.
Remember before, when I said I love you and I took it back? I don't give a shit.
I love you, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, all right.
$10 million! What?! [Laughter.]
Everybody out! Party's over! - [Crowd screaming.]
- Oh, shoot.
Babe? Nate, keep the kids safe.
Oh, my God.
All right, guys, get down, get down.
Get down.
I knew you couldn't change.
You're incapable of change! You may have tricked my stupid family, but you will never trick me.
That'll do, Robin.
What'd you just say? That'll do.
Babe! Nate! Stay out of this! He's not gonna make any money off of this deal.
- Yeah, I know! - Nobody is! You can blow it out your ass! W-What's she doing? I don't know! She's crazy! - Oh, shit! - No, don't do that! No! It keeps coming out! What is wrong with you?! Our children are here! What are you doing?! Oh! Wait! Jesus Christ! Come on! [Groans.]
Owwww! Aaah! Oh! Are you okay? [Groaning.]
[Whining.]
No! Ow! [Both panting.]
Well there you have it.
See you 'round, kids.
- [Engine shuts off.]
- Nate: What are you doing? Robin: Will somebody please talk to me? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna have my family looking at me with resentment, all right? You guys, I know I screwed up, but we're gonna get through this.
It's over.
We have nothing.
What are you t We have each other! If you weren't so stubborn, we'd "have each other" on a private jet right now.
How was that, by the way? It was pretty awesome.
We played turbulence Jenga.
- You know what I don't get? - What? Even though your father was just Aggressively in our shit?! Yes.
Why that matters, though.
Ever since I've met you, all you've wanted to do is be rich.
No, I wanted us to be rich.
I wanted us to earn it.
I don't want to earn it.
Yeah, I want to have it, then spend it.
It was guilt money.
Stop putting adjectives in front of it.
- It's just money.
- No, it's not! It's a "Refund for shitty parenting" money.
I don't care if it's "Sorry I slept with your sister" money! Which I didn't at all.
- That'd be gross.
- Why would you do that? It's still money.
Yeah, but Okay, guys, even even if we took it, then what? Right? I mean, don't you get it? - No! - No! Don't you think he would screw us over? - No! - No! No! [Sighs.]
Do you think I'm being too proud? - Nate and Delilah: Yes! - Jareb: No! Yes! No? Well, I don't know which one to pick.
Look, you blew away $20 million.
- It was only 10.
- Whatever.
That's still a shit ton of money, okay? Back in Cuba, there was a mansion called the Robin's Nest, and we're not living in it.
We could go back there and start a new life.
Is this what you all want to do? ALL: Yes! [Sighs.]
Okay, turn it around.
- Really? - Yes! [Cheering.]
[Laughter.]
Come on.
Let's go to Cooba! - Whoo! - Get some! - Cuba! - Get some! [Engine sputtering.]
Uh, just go.
Just relax.
[Clicking.]
Dad, quit screwing around.
I'm not screwing around! I'm trying to start the motor.
What's up? I don't know! I'm not a boat guy! Daddy, are we gonna die? No! No, we're not gonna die, okay? We're gonna be fine.
This is the Straits of Florida.
All right? It's a very highly traveled body of water.
Someone's gonna find us.
Eventually.
[Bird squawking.]
Are you praying? Jesus Christ.
Yes, I'm praying, okay? Is there anything wrong with praying for a raft to come find us? What's that?! What is that? That's a raft.
Whoa.
Whoa! [Laughter.]
That's a raft! You should've prayed for a Jet Ski.
[Indistinct shouting.]
- Over here! - Save us! Americana! Here you go.
Ah, thank you guys so much.
Thank you so, so much.
Everybody on board.
Let's go.
Oh, thank you.
Thank God.
Okay, everybody on board.
Vamos.
No, no, no, no! No, no.
Our boat's broken.
O-Or out of gas.
I don't know.
I'm not a boat guy.
Our boat is shit.
Hey, I'm sorry no more room.
What? No! No, please, please.
You got room there.
We could squeeze.
We're small.
Take the kids, okay? And And her.
Niños, sÃ, okay.
- Not the woman.
- Wha Hey, amigo! Mucho dinero.
What did you just give him? Well, Pee-Paw gave us some late birthday money.
How much did you give him? I don't know like $800.
This is at least $60,000! Sorry.
What? I was just trying to help.
$60,000?! Hey, okay! Everybody on board! Come on.
Even the woman.
Ta bien.
Okay, all right.
Let's get on.
Come on.
You saved us, but you really overpaid.
All right.
So, uh how long does it take to get back to Cuba? [Chuckling.]
We're not going to Cuba.
Never again! Cuba is shit! - [Cheering.]
- We go America.
[Cheering.]
No, no, no, no.
We're going to Cuba.
Why would we want to go there? It's shit! [Indistinct shouting.]
No, it's not.
It's awesome.
I suppose if you have money, like yourself.
But for most of us, it's shit.
Well, how long is it gonna take for us to get to America? Um eight days, give or take.
But don't worry.
We'll make plenty of stops.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
IAdios, Cooba! [Cheering.]
He calls it "Cooba.
" Okay.
Are we bad parents? [Coughs, spits.]
Yes.
We're the [bleep.]
worst.
We are the [bleep.]
worst parents ever.
Jesus Christ.
We're going back to nothing.
I know, but we're gonna make it work.
Where?! Syracuse.
Syracuse sucks! Okay, we'll go to New York.
There's nothing in New York for us.
Florida.
We're so close.
You want to live in Florida? You know, you guys complain a lot.
Is that what the rest of America's like? Pretty much.
America's the greatest country in the world.
Unh used to be.
Only people that grew up with freedom don't like America.
America on its worst day is still better than Cuba on its best.
We make it to land, your country takes us me, my family and puts us in a hotel Swift Stay Suites.
Air-conditioning, pool, business center.
32 cable channels, including Ted Turner's Superstation.
[Chuckles.]
That's the oppression of infinite choice.
Yeah, but then what? Don't they just send you back? No, we make it to land, your country grants us economic asylum.
They send us to new places, like Delaware or better Nebraska.
We become whole new people.
That's a great country.
Sweetie.
I'm sorry.
Baby? Baby.
Baby.
Sorry.
Hey.
Hmm? It's land.
There's land there.
What is that? [Laughing.]
America! - That's the U.
S.
? - Yes! [Laughter.]
That's the U.
S.
! No way! Hey! All right! We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be all right.
We are.
[Laughs.]
- Babe - We did it! [Telephone rings.]
Auspice.
Jack Randall here.
- Listen.
- [Whispering.]
Record this.
Somebody record this.
Track this.
I'm not the one you want.
It's my daughter.
She's the brains behind the whole thing.
You dipshits have been chasing the wrong Randall.
And I'll tell you exactly where you can find her.
You got a pencil? Pencil! [Snaps fingers.]
I need a pencil! [Normal voice.]
No, I said a Goddamn pencil! Man: This is the United States Coast Guard! Swim, amigos! Coast Guard! Wait, wait! We don't have to swim.
We're American.
With a criminal record! Let's swim! Okay, okay.
[Screams.]
[Gunfire.]
Do not jump in the water! [Delilah screams.]
Do not jump in the water! [Sirens wailing.]
Edie and Carl: [Rapping.]
Mail, mail, we cannot fail Through snow, rain, sleet, or the hail From big cities to small towns Nothing can keep these couriers From their appointed rounds I know you like to be frank, so you can - Take this to the bank - Be frank How the hell did we get stuck working with these assholes again? - [Air horns blaring.]
- Go! Go! [People screaming.]
You will be arrested and prosecuted by the United States government! [Grunting.]
What about Espartaco?! [Man speaking Spanish over speaker.]
Come on! Come on! America! Oh, shit! Aw, shit! So close! We're going postal.
[Cheering.]
[Sighs.]
Everybody, hold your positions.
I'm taking her down.
Miss Randall? What? Uh, we need you to come with us.
I'm waiting for my dad.
He's supposed to meet me here.
That's not what he told us.
Oh, looky, looky what we have here.
Where'd you get this? My dad gave it to me.
How did he get it to you? He mailed it.
Exactly.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
[Cheering.]
Well, it was a little tougher getting to the beach this time.
- Huh? - Yeah.
You don't look bad for eight days in a boat.
Takes me like a year to grow a beard.
God, I know.
We have the ass.
We have a witness turning State's in custody.
We need him.
Give him to us! Or you and your family are done.
You don't mess with the mail.
Just Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
[Rock music plays.]
[Door opens.]
Who the hell are you? Don't say another Goddamn word! - Him?! - He's great.
He's Joe Delicious, divorce attorney.
A federal agency inquiring my clients without proper legal counsel being present and accountable? Hmm? I mean, did you even Mirandarize them? Did she Mirandarize you? - No, she didn't.
- Ohhhh! I'm gonna have your badges, you piece of shits.
You kept my clients in here for 6 1/2 hours without the right to one of me's? You two up.
Let's go.
- Best wishes.
- No.
- It's been fun.
- Ugggh.
This is not over! Oh, it sure as shit is, scumbags.
'Cause you're never gonna find them again.
[Music ends.]
This card is blank.
[Wind howling.]
Do you guys have a pool? [Slavic accent.]
No.
Business center? What's that? Could we take a look at the menu? Food is behind you.
What the hell is all this?! It's xajib.
And kobhaki.
Okay, so, you have one nonsmoking room.
Oh, no.
It's supposed to be two.
It says here just one.
Wait what, with two beds? One queen.
We can bring cot.
- Mm.
- Okay.
That's not terrible.
Okay, Mr.
Fiedler.
Or is it Fielderjr? "Fiedler" is fine.
Is this your first time here? - Yeah.
- No.
Well, then, welcome.
Thank you.
[Clears throat.]
[Wind howling.]
This isn't so bad.
We're still in America.
Right? Yeah kind of.
What's wrong with us? Nothing.
We're fine.
Nah, we've really gone off the rails this time.
["The Detour" plays.]
Little bit.
Okay.
Let's saddle up.
Going for a hike.
Huh? Look at that.
And because of me not knowing, I now pine Troubles got in the trail Spend the next five years in jail Should have read that detour sign Detour All these bitter things I find Should have read that detour sign Should have read that detour sign
- I already called one.
- You don't know any lawyers.
Yes, I do, and he's on his way.
I am running out of time.
You were in Cuba.
Your father stole your children to his palace.
We have the coordinates.
You were running this ass as collateral.
What the hell is this ass? Rise and shine, Gummy Bear.
Daddy's here.
What's happening? Where am I? You're home.
Where are my children? You mean my grandchildren.
Nate?! Nate! Where are you?! [Chuckling.]
Hey! Look who's up, sleepy head.
Why didn't you wake me up?! You were sleeping like an angel.
It reminded me of when you were little and I came into your room.
It was late, and you were sleeping, just like you were a few minutes ago.
That's a real shitty story.
- Hey, look - Oh.
Have a hot bath, have some hot coffee.
Everything's hot down here.
You're gonna feel great.
Need I remind you, this maniac kidnapped our ch Are you drinking? Mm? No, it's a mojito.
That's drinking.
Uh, no.
It's more like a wet salad.
What? But, still, I am a fiend for these things.
It's the mint from the garden This isn't a vacation, Nate! Hey, look, I know you're upset, and, trust me, when I woke up, I was livid.
[Groaning.]
[Latin music playing.]
What's happening? Buenos dÃas, señor.
Where am I? Huh? Unh [Chuckling.]
But now I feel like a new man.
- Seriously.
- [Knock on door.]
[Sighs.]
I don't Buenos dÃas, señora.
[Clears throat.]
Robin, Carlita.
Carlita, Robin uh, mi esposa.
Well, not really.
One day, no? I promise.
That's what this is for.
We'll get to it.
She's Okay, you're friends.
Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Kids? Kids?! I got to see my kids.
Babe, no, they're fine.
I saw them.
They're great.
They're having a great time.
Easy, Gummy Bear.
You're dehydrated.
Don't call me that.
How did we get here? Oh.
Yes.
Dude.
Thank you so much.
Really appreciate that.
The Internet's so bad down here.
- I just want to see what - Nate, Nate, Nate! That's mad mask man who was following us! - Who Conrad? - Yeah.
He's my transpo captain.
He's terrifying.
Oh, that's the nebulizer.
He's got crippling asthma.
See? No, he was gonna take you to the airport, But then you decided to drive yourself to Florida.
And you call me a maniac.
She peed in the van.
I don't know.
It's like trying to fill up a shot glass with a wet sponge.
And then I had him get you a helicopter, but you jumped on some stupid fishing boat.
And this idiot ran it up on the dock.
Who doesn't know how to drive a boat? You just point it straight and go.
I'm not a boat guy.
You don't have to be a boat guy to drive it out of a slip.
All right, once again, how did we get here? Did you drug us or something? We found you asleep.
We were awake for 48 hours straight, okay? We just passed out.
Just like that one time I carried you when you were little and you didn't even stir.
God! Your stories of my youth suck so bad! Okay, okay, look.
What's done is done.
You're here.
And I've got a pretty big surprise for you.
Oh, do you? Is it even a bigger surprise than you kidnapping my children for a worthless piece of metal? I told you, that's not what it's about.
He's not a bad guy.
You've been brainwashed, Nate.
You've been rubbed out.
No! I told her to stop! Right? Hi.
This is all about my love for you and your family.
[Sighs.]
I don't need your love.
I have all the love I need from my own family.
I hate you! No, you Don't say that! I want to stay! Well, you can't! Pee-Paw said we could stay as long as we want.
Such a stupid name.
We came up with that name! Yeah.
He's the best.
I mean, he lets us swear.
Hey! You're not allowed to swear! - You're such a [bleep.]
- What?! Don't you ever, ever use that horrible word again! It's actually a pretty good word.
It means so many things.
You're never allowed to use it.
It's almost every other word in Scotland.
- You're not in Scotland! - Okay.
What if I'm on a Scottish beach and I get sand in my [bleep.]
? - No! Shh! - No! Close your lips! Downstairs lady lips also means - No! Stop talking! - No! No! The only reason I am keeping any kind of composure is because I know he is manipulating you.
- And you're not?! - No! I'm I'm trying to do what's best for you.
You made us live in a trailer when we could have been living here! Can you help me, please? He's not wrong on that one.
Oh, my Go Guys, listen to me.
This place was built on dirty money.
I don't want that kind of influence on you guys.
Listen, I get that, but I get the feeling he's trying to go legit.
Ugh! You're so gullible.
He's a professional lair, Nate.
So are you! We have a grandfather our whole lives, and you kept him from us.
Because he's a criminal! And you're not? Is that Dick Cheney? Yeah, probably is.
Yeah.
Pee-Paw's selling him something secret.
He was waiting on some stupid mule to bring an ass.
You don't go legit all at once.
You're right.
Wait.
What? I am? I'm right? Mm-hmm.
You are right.
You're right.
Sorry.
God! I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm being so childish.
I mean, who am I as their mother to say they can't just spew profanity? Within reason, you know? And this guy he's a businessman.
He deals in exotic trade with influential people.
I get it.
It's a living.
- It's unique, sure.
You know? - It is.
It is.
Wait.
So we can stay? You bet.
You can stay.
I have an idea.
Why don't you guys stay here.
I'm gonna go to town, and I'm gonna get my own little surprise for Paw-Paw.
- It's "Pee-Paw.
" - It's stupid.
Wait.
Hold on.
You sure you're okay with this? That was a real quick turn you just did there.
Yeah, no.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm great, though.
I am.
I'm good.
I just I feel like I need to put an end to this feud once and for all, you know, for the sake of all of us, for our future.
Sure.
Yeah.
You want me to go to town with you? No.
Nah.
This is something I'm gonna do on my own.
You just stay here, you guys.
Stay here and relax.
- You know what? I will relax.
- Great.
'Cause, unlike when I tell you, I listen.
You know, I go, "Yes.
" - "I should relax, babe.
I'm too tense.
" - 'Kay.
You know, maybe I'll get a massage.
From, uh Hey! That's my friend over there.
Okay, good, good.
[Latin music playing.]
Yeah.
It's the mojitos.
I think they loosen up my hips.
[Chuckles.]
Speaking of which, this ice is safe to drink, right? - I don't want to get sick.
- [Clears throat.]
Oh, hey.
Sorry.
Sorry, sir.
[Clears throat.]
She asked me to dance.
I thought it would be rude if I said no.
You know, it's custom and everything.
I know it looks sensual, but it's, apparently, not sexual in any way, shape, or form.
Sure it is.
Um I'm still very much in love with your daughter deep, deep, deep, deeply in love with her.
And, uh I don't know why I'm so nervous around you all of a sudden.
It's weird, you know.
I've never gone through this father-in-law thing before.
But, uh you know, I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, I speak for my whole family when I say, uh you know I love you, Dad.
- Okay.
- That was weird.
That was weird.
It was weird.
It was too much, too quick.
I get it, I get it.
It's the mojitos talking.
I want to make something perfectly clear.
Sure.
I would have done the same thing for any guy Robin settled down with.
Right.
Sorry.
I'm not I'm not following you.
Everything you have in your life is because of me.
No, I kn I'm thankful for you setting me up in New York.
You know, it was a little weird how you did it, but, you know I had a life before that.
I had a job.
Did you? You were a part-time lab monkey at PFR when you met her.
I called my mountaineering buddy, Mr.
Gupta, and the next day, you were an executive.
You didn't think that was kind of weird? Thought it was 'cause I was doing a good job.
You are nothing without me.
Enjoy the party, Nate.
And lose the hat.
Makes you look like a douche.
S-Same hat.
[Music continues.]
Robin: Why is it always raining in this valley?! Cuba! [Thunder rumbles.]
Good God! [Applause.]
J.
R.
: Hola.
I want to thank you all for coming to this exciting unveiling.
This iconic statue has taken decades to finally come back together a piece of history.
It was thought to have been destroyed.
It's now fully restored and is now the prized possession of this gentleman.
[Applause.]
My daughter, Robin, was supposed to be here, but her children and their father who I know is appreciative of all this they're here.
Nate, kids, take a bow.
[Applause.]
This is all for you guys.
Sit down, Nate.
Yeah.
Not everyone here knows that I was born with next to nothing.
And the only way I could provide for my one and only daughter was to work hard.
Did I cut a few corners? Dick: Show me the Goddamn statue.
Okay.
Here we go.
[Middle Eastern music plays.]
Holy shit! How did you get that? [Indistinct shouting.]
J.
R.
: Great.
Head right in here, boys.
Arms and legs, too.
[British accent.]
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! W-W-W-W-Who are you chaps with? - Who do you think? - Ain't that the truth.
I count about 32 Iraqis and 600 bloody journalists.
It's the most staged photo op since Iwo Jima.
You must be envious of the lads who served during the Raj.
- Ooh.
- No media, no pressure Just the beauties of Colonial India.
Oh, you know you know the Indians a civilized people.
- Exactly.
- Took a while, but they got there.
- Yeah.
- T-They got there.
Still, you know what? I'm not sure you can take this stuff.
Why not? Well, 'cause this property belongs to, um Well, I'm not technically sure who it belongs to right now, but Then what's it to you? Ah, that's actually a good point.
You know, we're only here 'cause Blair is Bush's golf buddy.
Who singularly failed to learn the lessons of hundreds of years of failed nation-building.
- Right? - Mm.
Still, it does beat London in the winter, and the kebabs are decent.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Eh You know what? These people are just gonna whack it with sticks anyway and shove bottle rockets in it.
As you were.
Carry on.
God save the queen.
Oh, keep it under your hat.
Naughty.
God, you are so cool.
[Chuckles.]
There's a hole in the back.
Ah, yes the pièce de résistance.
[Snaps fingers.]
[Crowd gasping, chuckling.]
Jesus Christ.
We were carrying around the ass of Saddam Hussein? Mm-hmm.
And that ass just made you a cool $10 million.
Surprise! Sorry.
What? That was my surprise a life of freedom.
10 million American dollars, not Cuban? Yeah.
Remember before, when I said I love you and I took it back? I don't give a shit.
I love you, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, all right.
$10 million! What?! [Laughter.]
Everybody out! Party's over! - [Crowd screaming.]
- Oh, shoot.
Babe? Nate, keep the kids safe.
Oh, my God.
All right, guys, get down, get down.
Get down.
I knew you couldn't change.
You're incapable of change! You may have tricked my stupid family, but you will never trick me.
That'll do, Robin.
What'd you just say? That'll do.
Babe! Nate! Stay out of this! He's not gonna make any money off of this deal.
- Yeah, I know! - Nobody is! You can blow it out your ass! W-What's she doing? I don't know! She's crazy! - Oh, shit! - No, don't do that! No! It keeps coming out! What is wrong with you?! Our children are here! What are you doing?! Oh! Wait! Jesus Christ! Come on! [Groans.]
Owwww! Aaah! Oh! Are you okay? [Groaning.]
[Whining.]
No! Ow! [Both panting.]
Well there you have it.
See you 'round, kids.
- [Engine shuts off.]
- Nate: What are you doing? Robin: Will somebody please talk to me? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna have my family looking at me with resentment, all right? You guys, I know I screwed up, but we're gonna get through this.
It's over.
We have nothing.
What are you t We have each other! If you weren't so stubborn, we'd "have each other" on a private jet right now.
How was that, by the way? It was pretty awesome.
We played turbulence Jenga.
- You know what I don't get? - What? Even though your father was just Aggressively in our shit?! Yes.
Why that matters, though.
Ever since I've met you, all you've wanted to do is be rich.
No, I wanted us to be rich.
I wanted us to earn it.
I don't want to earn it.
Yeah, I want to have it, then spend it.
It was guilt money.
Stop putting adjectives in front of it.
- It's just money.
- No, it's not! It's a "Refund for shitty parenting" money.
I don't care if it's "Sorry I slept with your sister" money! Which I didn't at all.
- That'd be gross.
- Why would you do that? It's still money.
Yeah, but Okay, guys, even even if we took it, then what? Right? I mean, don't you get it? - No! - No! Don't you think he would screw us over? - No! - No! No! [Sighs.]
Do you think I'm being too proud? - Nate and Delilah: Yes! - Jareb: No! Yes! No? Well, I don't know which one to pick.
Look, you blew away $20 million.
- It was only 10.
- Whatever.
That's still a shit ton of money, okay? Back in Cuba, there was a mansion called the Robin's Nest, and we're not living in it.
We could go back there and start a new life.
Is this what you all want to do? ALL: Yes! [Sighs.]
Okay, turn it around.
- Really? - Yes! [Cheering.]
[Laughter.]
Come on.
Let's go to Cooba! - Whoo! - Get some! - Cuba! - Get some! [Engine sputtering.]
Uh, just go.
Just relax.
[Clicking.]
Dad, quit screwing around.
I'm not screwing around! I'm trying to start the motor.
What's up? I don't know! I'm not a boat guy! Daddy, are we gonna die? No! No, we're not gonna die, okay? We're gonna be fine.
This is the Straits of Florida.
All right? It's a very highly traveled body of water.
Someone's gonna find us.
Eventually.
[Bird squawking.]
Are you praying? Jesus Christ.
Yes, I'm praying, okay? Is there anything wrong with praying for a raft to come find us? What's that?! What is that? That's a raft.
Whoa.
Whoa! [Laughter.]
That's a raft! You should've prayed for a Jet Ski.
[Indistinct shouting.]
- Over here! - Save us! Americana! Here you go.
Ah, thank you guys so much.
Thank you so, so much.
Everybody on board.
Let's go.
Oh, thank you.
Thank God.
Okay, everybody on board.
Vamos.
No, no, no, no! No, no.
Our boat's broken.
O-Or out of gas.
I don't know.
I'm not a boat guy.
Our boat is shit.
Hey, I'm sorry no more room.
What? No! No, please, please.
You got room there.
We could squeeze.
We're small.
Take the kids, okay? And And her.
Niños, sÃ, okay.
- Not the woman.
- Wha Hey, amigo! Mucho dinero.
What did you just give him? Well, Pee-Paw gave us some late birthday money.
How much did you give him? I don't know like $800.
This is at least $60,000! Sorry.
What? I was just trying to help.
$60,000?! Hey, okay! Everybody on board! Come on.
Even the woman.
Ta bien.
Okay, all right.
Let's get on.
Come on.
You saved us, but you really overpaid.
All right.
So, uh how long does it take to get back to Cuba? [Chuckling.]
We're not going to Cuba.
Never again! Cuba is shit! - [Cheering.]
- We go America.
[Cheering.]
No, no, no, no.
We're going to Cuba.
Why would we want to go there? It's shit! [Indistinct shouting.]
No, it's not.
It's awesome.
I suppose if you have money, like yourself.
But for most of us, it's shit.
Well, how long is it gonna take for us to get to America? Um eight days, give or take.
But don't worry.
We'll make plenty of stops.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
IAdios, Cooba! [Cheering.]
He calls it "Cooba.
" Okay.
Are we bad parents? [Coughs, spits.]
Yes.
We're the [bleep.]
worst.
We are the [bleep.]
worst parents ever.
Jesus Christ.
We're going back to nothing.
I know, but we're gonna make it work.
Where?! Syracuse.
Syracuse sucks! Okay, we'll go to New York.
There's nothing in New York for us.
Florida.
We're so close.
You want to live in Florida? You know, you guys complain a lot.
Is that what the rest of America's like? Pretty much.
America's the greatest country in the world.
Unh used to be.
Only people that grew up with freedom don't like America.
America on its worst day is still better than Cuba on its best.
We make it to land, your country takes us me, my family and puts us in a hotel Swift Stay Suites.
Air-conditioning, pool, business center.
32 cable channels, including Ted Turner's Superstation.
[Chuckles.]
That's the oppression of infinite choice.
Yeah, but then what? Don't they just send you back? No, we make it to land, your country grants us economic asylum.
They send us to new places, like Delaware or better Nebraska.
We become whole new people.
That's a great country.
Sweetie.
I'm sorry.
Baby? Baby.
Baby.
Sorry.
Hey.
Hmm? It's land.
There's land there.
What is that? [Laughing.]
America! - That's the U.
S.
? - Yes! [Laughter.]
That's the U.
S.
! No way! Hey! All right! We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be all right.
We are.
[Laughs.]
- Babe - We did it! [Telephone rings.]
Auspice.
Jack Randall here.
- Listen.
- [Whispering.]
Record this.
Somebody record this.
Track this.
I'm not the one you want.
It's my daughter.
She's the brains behind the whole thing.
You dipshits have been chasing the wrong Randall.
And I'll tell you exactly where you can find her.
You got a pencil? Pencil! [Snaps fingers.]
I need a pencil! [Normal voice.]
No, I said a Goddamn pencil! Man: This is the United States Coast Guard! Swim, amigos! Coast Guard! Wait, wait! We don't have to swim.
We're American.
With a criminal record! Let's swim! Okay, okay.
[Screams.]
[Gunfire.]
Do not jump in the water! [Delilah screams.]
Do not jump in the water! [Sirens wailing.]
Edie and Carl: [Rapping.]
Mail, mail, we cannot fail Through snow, rain, sleet, or the hail From big cities to small towns Nothing can keep these couriers From their appointed rounds I know you like to be frank, so you can - Take this to the bank - Be frank How the hell did we get stuck working with these assholes again? - [Air horns blaring.]
- Go! Go! [People screaming.]
You will be arrested and prosecuted by the United States government! [Grunting.]
What about Espartaco?! [Man speaking Spanish over speaker.]
Come on! Come on! America! Oh, shit! Aw, shit! So close! We're going postal.
[Cheering.]
[Sighs.]
Everybody, hold your positions.
I'm taking her down.
Miss Randall? What? Uh, we need you to come with us.
I'm waiting for my dad.
He's supposed to meet me here.
That's not what he told us.
Oh, looky, looky what we have here.
Where'd you get this? My dad gave it to me.
How did he get it to you? He mailed it.
Exactly.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
[Cheering.]
Well, it was a little tougher getting to the beach this time.
- Huh? - Yeah.
You don't look bad for eight days in a boat.
Takes me like a year to grow a beard.
God, I know.
We have the ass.
We have a witness turning State's in custody.
We need him.
Give him to us! Or you and your family are done.
You don't mess with the mail.
Just Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
[Rock music plays.]
[Door opens.]
Who the hell are you? Don't say another Goddamn word! - Him?! - He's great.
He's Joe Delicious, divorce attorney.
A federal agency inquiring my clients without proper legal counsel being present and accountable? Hmm? I mean, did you even Mirandarize them? Did she Mirandarize you? - No, she didn't.
- Ohhhh! I'm gonna have your badges, you piece of shits.
You kept my clients in here for 6 1/2 hours without the right to one of me's? You two up.
Let's go.
- Best wishes.
- No.
- It's been fun.
- Ugggh.
This is not over! Oh, it sure as shit is, scumbags.
'Cause you're never gonna find them again.
[Music ends.]
This card is blank.
[Wind howling.]
Do you guys have a pool? [Slavic accent.]
No.
Business center? What's that? Could we take a look at the menu? Food is behind you.
What the hell is all this?! It's xajib.
And kobhaki.
Okay, so, you have one nonsmoking room.
Oh, no.
It's supposed to be two.
It says here just one.
Wait what, with two beds? One queen.
We can bring cot.
- Mm.
- Okay.
That's not terrible.
Okay, Mr.
Fiedler.
Or is it Fielderjr? "Fiedler" is fine.
Is this your first time here? - Yeah.
- No.
Well, then, welcome.
Thank you.
[Clears throat.]
[Wind howling.]
This isn't so bad.
We're still in America.
Right? Yeah kind of.
What's wrong with us? Nothing.
We're fine.
Nah, we've really gone off the rails this time.
["The Detour" plays.]
Little bit.
Okay.
Let's saddle up.
Going for a hike.
Huh? Look at that.
And because of me not knowing, I now pine Troubles got in the trail Spend the next five years in jail Should have read that detour sign Detour All these bitter things I find Should have read that detour sign Should have read that detour sign