The Detour (2016) s04e08 Episode Script
The Same
1 Is that [Phone beeping.]
[Sighs.]
[Line rings.]
[Ringing continues.]
Gummy-bear.
- How are you? - Robin: Jack? Hey, have you heard from our our kids? Nate: Hey, uh Mr.
Randall.
Nate Parker here, uh, Robin's husband.
Uh, uh, we're just calling all our family members to see if the kids have checked in.
You know, it's just what you do when they go [Clicking.]
- What was that? - [Clicking continues.]
Has someone tapped the phone? Mom! Get off the phone, please! We're on it.
Please tell me this line is secure.
Hi.
It's Helen.
What's the soup tonight? Mom, get off the phone! You want to call me back at a more convenient time? No, I don't want to wander all the way down the hall for that mop water you call hot and sour.
What's the soup? - It's chicken noodle.
- Oh, that's great.
That's her favorite.
- I don't know what the soup is.
- Well, don't lie to her about the soup.
- It's important.
- It's not! Oh, I'm sorry.
So, if you were expecting chicken noodle and some stringy garbage like vegetable medley shows up, you're not gonna be pissed about it? We're looking for our ch Jack? Has either Delilah or Jared contacted you? Uh, they have, yeah.
Twice, in fact.
About a year ago at the Canadian border, the girl came to see me about a job, but she wasn't cut out for it.
She's not like you.
Her moral compass is too strong.
She also doesn't have your natural gift for sociopathic deception.
Nate's Mom: What's the chicken tonight? [Asian accent.]
General Tso's chicken, lady.
Don't do that voice.
Thank you, Ling.
Mom, that wasn't Ling! Sounds like Ling! Mom!! Get off the phone! [Normal voice.]
Jack, when was the second time you heard from Delilah? Uh yesterday.
She's on her way here, to Russia.
I think she's bringing the boy.
Why wouldn't you call me?! Because she told me not to.
She doesn't want to see you.
She's my daughter.
Uh-huh.
And you're my daughter.
And the last time we spoke, you said, and I quote, "Stay out of my life, you meddling old man.
Don't ever contact me again.
" And I respected that.
All right, well, I'm nothing like you.
[Laughs.]
Oh, but you are.
[Gunfire.]
Nobody escapes who they really are.
- Are those gunshots? - I tell you, Ling, the way this neighborhood is going, I wouldn't be surprised.
There were some negro children playing hopscotch suspiciously, - and I - Get off the phone! And I called [ Indistinct shouting.]
Listen, I'll keep my eye open for the kids, but I got to be honest with you, my hands are really full right now.
[Vehicle approaching.]
Not the Taurus.
Shit.
[Cellphone rings.]
[Ringing stops.]
Hello? Oh, hey, there.
It's Nate Parker calling.
What's the dessert tonight? We don't want orange slices and milk again.
It's not dessert.
I know.
We ordered the Golden Nosh plan, and that comes with, at least, babka or hamantaschen.
Uh, what is hamantaschen? [Theme song sung in foreign language.]
[Distorted music plays.]
Would you get a haircut or at least buy a hat to get it out of your eyes? Okay, relax, Mom.
Don't ever call me that.
I'm nothing like her.
That woman is a sociopathic liar who would say anything to get what she wants.
Well, hello, there.
You two looking for your parents? No, I'm a palliative caregiver, and my patient here doesn't have too much time left.
[Coughs.]
He always wanted to see Red Square.
What are the chances we can get on a flight to Moscow? You're pretty young to be a doctor.
You're pretty "in a vest" to be a nosy douche.
Okay.
Well, I've got something for ya.
Looks like we're gonna getcha there.
Well, good, 'cause that's your job.
No direct, unfortunately.
How 'bout a one-stopper? That would be great, thanks.
That would be great if I could find that.
- [Keyboard clacking.]
- Which I can't.
I do, however, have a two-plus stop.
How many stops is that, "Welcome to Walmart"? It's just a vest.
They make me wear it.
And it's nine stops.
You know what? You're nothing like Mom at all.
She would have told him he looked hot in that vest, and we would have gotten there direct.
Nine stops?! That is miserable.
- Why didn't you do your thing? - What thing? You know, your thing.
This thing.
How am I supposed to show my tits to an international ticket database? I don't know, I'm not the sociopath.
- All right.
Easy with that.
- Okay, let's find another airline, and Oh, shit.
This guy.
Well, yo ho ho, and a bottle of dumb.
[Laughs.]
I get it.
I get it.
That's a reference to me.
Because I'm the ho.
And he's the bottle of dumb.
I mean, it's funny, 'cause it's true, 'cause he's so dumb.
Yeah, I know, right? [Chuckling.]
What are you doing? Gene here is taking his handsome man trip - to Russia.
- Handsome man.
That's a, uh charter flight? - Charter flight.
- Charter flight.
There's plenty of room on those things for anybody.
Plenty of room for you.
[Laughing.]
Oh, God, for me.
Let's do this.
Excuse me, sir.
God damn it.
She is good.
Coats, watches, jewelry, shoes, and belts must all come off and go into the bin.
Coats in the bin, shoes on the belt, jewelry in the bins, belts on the belts.
Lace-up boots? That's such a rookie move.
[Changes jostling.]
And change? Who the hell brings change? Medallion Plus members shouldn't have to endure this.
Any liquids in your bag, ma'am? Of course, gotta stay hydrated.
All liquids must be dumped in the garbage, ma'am.
Wait.
It's just water.
- Why can't I bring water? - This guy brought water one time, and didn't know there was actually a bomb in it.
Have you never flown before? Only private, douche.
Secondary! Okay, ma'am, now with my prayer hands, I will run them down your sternum between your mammary glands.
I don't think it's the government's job to harass pretty little white girls.
- I'm tired of it.
- Yeah, we're tired of it.
You say that out loud, and they call you a "racist.
" And let you for "not reflecting the views of America.
" Now with the backs of my thumbs, I will be tracing the outline of the mons veneris down and parallel to your labial folds.
I mean, what have you ever done to anyone with that milky alabaster skin? And now, with bear claw hands, as to remain professional and not accidentally insert any digits in your anal cavity, I will be applying gentle pressure here.
You know what Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Just get right up in there.
Feel anything? Anything in there? I got nothing to hide.
You know why? 'Cause I got a super-shallow crack.
Tertiary! - What's that mean? - Basically, everything we just did, expect one of us will still have his clothes on.
This airport is unbelievable.
First, the TSA loses my shoes.
Then the only shoes available for purchase are these orange heel-y things from Syra-shoes.
I swear to God, I feel so violated.
[Groans.]
- Oh, shit.
Oh, sh - Oh, my God.
- You okay, babe? - No.
Walk it off, babe.
I'm gonna go get molested.
[Groans.]
You okay? Nope.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Groans.]
Shit! This is my chair.
Get your gross feet off.
Jesus.
Would you say you find trouble or trouble finds you? - [Chair creaks.]
- Ugh! God! First her with the feet, now him with the entire body.
This is my chair! Don't use it as an assistive device to get your fat ass up.
Engage your core.
And if you don't know where it is, lift up your gut and find it.
Ma'am, you cannot speak to people that way.
[Scoffs.]
So I'm the asshole.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Are you sleeping? Move your seat up.
[Rumbling.]
Don't worry about these little bumps.
I'm not.
Did you Did you lose your seat? A little bit of a light chop.
They call it turbulence.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I-I forget why they call it that.
'Cause the the air flow's "turbulent.
" Oh, that's it.
That's it.
And, of course, no reason to be nervous.
Like I said, I-I'm not, but, you know, I-I think you should really find your seat.
- [Rumbles.]
- [P.
A.
chimes.]
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated.
Well, looks like you're stuck with me now.
[Seatbelt clicks.]
You know what? How 'bout you have one of these? Oh, no.
I shouldn't.
Oh, yeah.
No, you should.
You should.
It'll help your nerves.
I don't want to sit here and listen to 'em.
Mason: Yo, yo, yo, yo! This is the bro classical renaissance hypebeast.
- You got to be kidding.
- The comedy Bugatti, the info Lambo, this is Mason The Block! Are you kidding me? Can I just cut to the right now, fam? How tired are we of this Cheeto in Chief? [ Laughter, scattered applause.]
This guy's so orange, nothing rhymes with him.
[ Laughter.]
He's such a criminal, orange is the new orange.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause.]
My producers told me that was intellectual comedy.
[ Laughter.]
Jesus Christ, another unique take on politics.
What's he eviscerating this week? Why are you so judgmental? 'Cause he's your ex? No, 'cause he sucks.
If you have a TV show, you should be funnier and smarter than me, and he's neither.
Ow! Ow! Oh, my God, I love this guy.
He is so funny and so smart.
Why don't you be happy for the guy and say something nice Mom? [Laughter.]
Ha! A-ha! Fine.
I'm Mom.
You happy? Why would that make me happy? I wish this was more of an à la carte thing, 'cause I've got 17's rack.
14's legs.
9's nose, and, uh 2's left eyebrow.
Perfect.
[Slurring.]
Oh! That makes me so happy.
[Chuckles.]
It's good.
You know, it's funny, no matter how much I intellectualize it, - planes just doesn't make any sense.
- Yeah.
I mean, a big piece of metal in the sky? I mean, h-how does that even work? Thrust and lift.
I've heard that, but what does it even mean? Well Hi.
I don't want to alarm the other passengers, but we have slight medical emergency in the cockpit.
Our captain, Captain Ron Weaver - Oh.
- [Chuckles.]
- Has come down with a bit of the flu.
- Oh.
And a little birdy told me we have a reserve pilot here.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and that birdy is ready to fly.
[Both chuckle.]
Wait, what? You're a pilot? You're so nervous.
Nervous flier.
Very, very confident pilot.
See? Oh.
Except on these big birds.
Not nearly enough experience.
The death multiplier on your mistakes is like [Exhales.]
- Okay.
Here I go.
- Wait.
No, no, no! You're letting that guy fly this plane? Ah, First Officer is fine by himself.
Why don't you have a drink? It'll calm you down.
- I di I had - [Gulps, burps.]
[Laughter.]
It's funny, 'cause it's true! Ow! Ow! [Laughter.]
He's not funny! He's not even telling jokes! He's just dancing! Ma'am, settle down, or we will have to put this plane on the ground.
[P.
A.
chimes.]
First Officer: Folks, from the flight deck, looks like we're gonna have to make an emergency landing due to the, uh excessive amount of vomit up here in the cockpit.
Instruments are [Ed retches.]
Aw, Jesus! The air sickness bag is right there, God damn it! [Retching continues.]
God damn it! - Hey, where are we? - Flight Attendant: Ma'am - Can someone tell me where we are? - Sit down.
You need to be seatbelted.
It's the law.
In what country? I don't what countr This country is just blank! Babe! Babe?! - Mason: Yo, yo, yo! - [Cackles.]
[Middle Eastern music plays.]
[Indistinct conversations in foreign languages.]
- Why is he yelling at us? - I'm scared.
Who would've thought a half gallon of vomit would write off an jet? That's the Tupolev for ya.
[Indistinct conversations.]
I can't believe they're making me cover my head.
Oh, my God, would you let it go? How about you don't have to worry about your hair for once? Yeah, well, it's a double standard, Nate.
You know, you get to roll up here in clown shoes, and I'm in head prison.
It's a beautiful scarf that I bought it.
It's an oppressive law.
Oh, my God.
Why can't it be the height of feminism? - Oh, my - You're rejecting society's views that you have to look sexy all the time.
I would like to have the choice to look sexy all the time.
I've known you for 16 years.
You've "chosen" to dress sexy for me twice.
Yes, and I would like to have the choice to dress sexy.
- I'm taking it off.
- Don't do that here.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm American.
I don't speak oppression.
She's American.
I'm half Canadian.
Scarf.
Now.
Make Up.
Too heavy.
I've always told her that.
She's a natural beauty.
Ah! Pants.
Too short.
This too tight.
Okay, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do what the women around here should have done back in 1979 I'm just gonna [Both muttering.]
Like this? Is this how you do it? Go.
Thanks very much.
[Scoffs.]
Americans.
[Grunts.]
Shit.
Very cool shoes.
[Scoffs.]
You need haircut.
Please indicate on the form how you heard about Iran.
I don't understand why we have to clear customs.
We didn't even get off the plane.
This is just stop eight on our way to Russia.
How you heard about Iran? From a man in a vest.
Oh, don't worry.
Not a boom vest or anything.
Uh, we're not the kind of guys to bring that up.
Please.
[Slowly.]
Write in how you heard about us.
- There.
- Stop being such a dick.
Just write it.
A cat told you? Mm-hmm.
He was Persian.
[Murmuring.]
Oh, yes.
Hi.
Oh, shit.
Oh, sure, I'm a dick, and then you go make a comment about the smell on here? That's borderline racist.
What? No.
Look.
This curtain closes, right, to keep out the riffraff? First class! Come on, bab - Shit! - Gene: Whoa! - [Nate groans.]
- Quick, let's go.
- Go where? We're on a plane.
- We got to go to Go to the back! Delilah: Just get in the bathroom! Go, go! Oh, shit.
[P.
A.
chimes.]
First class.
Thank you Uncle Gene for taking a year of Farsi in college.
[Speaks Farsi.]
I don't know what that means.
Boom! [Laughs.]
We got a We got blankets.
I don't think that was Farsi.
Awesome.
Oh, look at this.
Sleep mask.
Mm-hmm.
That'll come in handy.
I'll be too excited to sleep.
Nuts.
I got nuts.
I got ear plugs.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Socks! Socks! I got socks.
And d dates! Two dates! Double dates.
Can I offer you a drink, sir? You know what I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in over year, and I think it's about time.
Yes, you can.
I will take one of those champagne and orange juice thingys.
Unfortunately, Iran is a dry country.
I know it's dry.
That's why I need a drink.
Mm, no alcohol.
I can offer you water.
I'll gladly accept.
- Still nice to be asked.
- This plane smells so bad.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You cannot say that.
- Why not? - 'Cause it's a loaded thing.
You can't say other races smell bad.
This plane is not a race.
And it would be racist to not say it smells bad because you're afraid you look like a racist if you do.
Oh, look at this.
Fancy.
It's just water.
Folks, I want to apologize for the smell.
The economy bathroom is broken, and it really smells.
[Hushed.]
This airline sucks.
A little legroom.
I like that.
Ahhh! First class! First class! I've never seen a squat toilet on a plane before.
Squat toilets are proven much more effective for passing stool.
[Rumbling.]
What does that mean? Oh, that was close.
[Rumbling.]
[Both scream.]
Do you hear that.
Hmm? No.
- Hey, can I get some more nuts? - Of course.
Yeah.
The hot ones really good.
[Grinding.]
You want to shower first, or should I? [Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Hoo.
Thank you so much for that flight.
It was really, really Merci.
That's French, dum-dum.
- I'm happy you enjoyed.
- No, I really I don't want to overstep my cultural boundaries, but, uh, your hijab just beautiful.
It really is.
It brings out your eyes.
- Merci.
- See? Yeah, okay.
So, uh, I'm gonna go find my dad.
You're gonna go to the American Embassy and get us some help, yes? Yeah.
I know, I know.
Apropos of nothing, This has been, like, the smoothest trip we have ever taken.
I agree.
Aside from being slapped around by the Modesty Police.
- Well, you kind of had it coming.
- I'll take it.
I just feel like it's easier when it's the two of us.
You know, I think I think maybe it's the kids that have been getting in the way the whole time.
Oh.
Yeah, no.
It is definitely the kid [Groans.]
Jesus Christ.
Ugh.
Quick.
Let's go.
Mom and Dad are gone.
Please.
Change into it.
It's all I had.
Uh, no.
Thank you.
We couldn't.
Please.
You wear it.
You smell like shit.
Jared: This is scary.
Delilah: Totally.
What the hell happened here? And why is there milk everywhere? Eugh.
And why is there so many soccer balls? Okay.
Just focus, okay? You know, you got to dote on Peepaw a little before we ask him for money.
"Peepaw, we love you.
Peepaw, we miss you.
" Peepaw, why doesn't our mother let us have "a meaningful relationship with you?" You know, shit like that.
Peepaw! Peepaw, your grandkids are here! Where the hell is he? How should I know? This is where he said to meet him? Those are soldiers.
And they have guns in their hand.
And there's bullets all over the ground.
- What the hell did you get me into? - I'm sorry.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I want to go home.
Okay, okay.
Are you guys looking for somebody? Hoods down.
Hoods down.
[Gate clangs.]
My husband was right.
Those oppressive outfits [Voice breaking.]
really do accentuate the features that matter.
[Sniffles.]
You have the most beautiful eyes.
And I want you to know that you have the choice to stop hiding anytime you want.
Please.
[Voice breaking.]
I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry.
[Sobbing.]
Don't be sorry.
No, you're fine.
You're fine.
You okay? I'm okay.
I love you guys.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
You're doing fine, right? Okay.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Do you know him? Okay, just No, I don't.
Just shut up.
Shh, shh.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
You are J.
R.
's family? Your dad He's at the Embassy right now.
He's gonna get us help, okay? He's gonna get us out of here.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
[Line rings.]
[Ringing continues.]
Gummy-bear.
- How are you? - Robin: Jack? Hey, have you heard from our our kids? Nate: Hey, uh Mr.
Randall.
Nate Parker here, uh, Robin's husband.
Uh, uh, we're just calling all our family members to see if the kids have checked in.
You know, it's just what you do when they go [Clicking.]
- What was that? - [Clicking continues.]
Has someone tapped the phone? Mom! Get off the phone, please! We're on it.
Please tell me this line is secure.
Hi.
It's Helen.
What's the soup tonight? Mom, get off the phone! You want to call me back at a more convenient time? No, I don't want to wander all the way down the hall for that mop water you call hot and sour.
What's the soup? - It's chicken noodle.
- Oh, that's great.
That's her favorite.
- I don't know what the soup is.
- Well, don't lie to her about the soup.
- It's important.
- It's not! Oh, I'm sorry.
So, if you were expecting chicken noodle and some stringy garbage like vegetable medley shows up, you're not gonna be pissed about it? We're looking for our ch Jack? Has either Delilah or Jared contacted you? Uh, they have, yeah.
Twice, in fact.
About a year ago at the Canadian border, the girl came to see me about a job, but she wasn't cut out for it.
She's not like you.
Her moral compass is too strong.
She also doesn't have your natural gift for sociopathic deception.
Nate's Mom: What's the chicken tonight? [Asian accent.]
General Tso's chicken, lady.
Don't do that voice.
Thank you, Ling.
Mom, that wasn't Ling! Sounds like Ling! Mom!! Get off the phone! [Normal voice.]
Jack, when was the second time you heard from Delilah? Uh yesterday.
She's on her way here, to Russia.
I think she's bringing the boy.
Why wouldn't you call me?! Because she told me not to.
She doesn't want to see you.
She's my daughter.
Uh-huh.
And you're my daughter.
And the last time we spoke, you said, and I quote, "Stay out of my life, you meddling old man.
Don't ever contact me again.
" And I respected that.
All right, well, I'm nothing like you.
[Laughs.]
Oh, but you are.
[Gunfire.]
Nobody escapes who they really are.
- Are those gunshots? - I tell you, Ling, the way this neighborhood is going, I wouldn't be surprised.
There were some negro children playing hopscotch suspiciously, - and I - Get off the phone! And I called [ Indistinct shouting.]
Listen, I'll keep my eye open for the kids, but I got to be honest with you, my hands are really full right now.
[Vehicle approaching.]
Not the Taurus.
Shit.
[Cellphone rings.]
[Ringing stops.]
Hello? Oh, hey, there.
It's Nate Parker calling.
What's the dessert tonight? We don't want orange slices and milk again.
It's not dessert.
I know.
We ordered the Golden Nosh plan, and that comes with, at least, babka or hamantaschen.
Uh, what is hamantaschen? [Theme song sung in foreign language.]
[Distorted music plays.]
Would you get a haircut or at least buy a hat to get it out of your eyes? Okay, relax, Mom.
Don't ever call me that.
I'm nothing like her.
That woman is a sociopathic liar who would say anything to get what she wants.
Well, hello, there.
You two looking for your parents? No, I'm a palliative caregiver, and my patient here doesn't have too much time left.
[Coughs.]
He always wanted to see Red Square.
What are the chances we can get on a flight to Moscow? You're pretty young to be a doctor.
You're pretty "in a vest" to be a nosy douche.
Okay.
Well, I've got something for ya.
Looks like we're gonna getcha there.
Well, good, 'cause that's your job.
No direct, unfortunately.
How 'bout a one-stopper? That would be great, thanks.
That would be great if I could find that.
- [Keyboard clacking.]
- Which I can't.
I do, however, have a two-plus stop.
How many stops is that, "Welcome to Walmart"? It's just a vest.
They make me wear it.
And it's nine stops.
You know what? You're nothing like Mom at all.
She would have told him he looked hot in that vest, and we would have gotten there direct.
Nine stops?! That is miserable.
- Why didn't you do your thing? - What thing? You know, your thing.
This thing.
How am I supposed to show my tits to an international ticket database? I don't know, I'm not the sociopath.
- All right.
Easy with that.
- Okay, let's find another airline, and Oh, shit.
This guy.
Well, yo ho ho, and a bottle of dumb.
[Laughs.]
I get it.
I get it.
That's a reference to me.
Because I'm the ho.
And he's the bottle of dumb.
I mean, it's funny, 'cause it's true, 'cause he's so dumb.
Yeah, I know, right? [Chuckling.]
What are you doing? Gene here is taking his handsome man trip - to Russia.
- Handsome man.
That's a, uh charter flight? - Charter flight.
- Charter flight.
There's plenty of room on those things for anybody.
Plenty of room for you.
[Laughing.]
Oh, God, for me.
Let's do this.
Excuse me, sir.
God damn it.
She is good.
Coats, watches, jewelry, shoes, and belts must all come off and go into the bin.
Coats in the bin, shoes on the belt, jewelry in the bins, belts on the belts.
Lace-up boots? That's such a rookie move.
[Changes jostling.]
And change? Who the hell brings change? Medallion Plus members shouldn't have to endure this.
Any liquids in your bag, ma'am? Of course, gotta stay hydrated.
All liquids must be dumped in the garbage, ma'am.
Wait.
It's just water.
- Why can't I bring water? - This guy brought water one time, and didn't know there was actually a bomb in it.
Have you never flown before? Only private, douche.
Secondary! Okay, ma'am, now with my prayer hands, I will run them down your sternum between your mammary glands.
I don't think it's the government's job to harass pretty little white girls.
- I'm tired of it.
- Yeah, we're tired of it.
You say that out loud, and they call you a "racist.
" And let you for "not reflecting the views of America.
" Now with the backs of my thumbs, I will be tracing the outline of the mons veneris down and parallel to your labial folds.
I mean, what have you ever done to anyone with that milky alabaster skin? And now, with bear claw hands, as to remain professional and not accidentally insert any digits in your anal cavity, I will be applying gentle pressure here.
You know what Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Just get right up in there.
Feel anything? Anything in there? I got nothing to hide.
You know why? 'Cause I got a super-shallow crack.
Tertiary! - What's that mean? - Basically, everything we just did, expect one of us will still have his clothes on.
This airport is unbelievable.
First, the TSA loses my shoes.
Then the only shoes available for purchase are these orange heel-y things from Syra-shoes.
I swear to God, I feel so violated.
[Groans.]
- Oh, shit.
Oh, sh - Oh, my God.
- You okay, babe? - No.
Walk it off, babe.
I'm gonna go get molested.
[Groans.]
You okay? Nope.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Groans.]
Shit! This is my chair.
Get your gross feet off.
Jesus.
Would you say you find trouble or trouble finds you? - [Chair creaks.]
- Ugh! God! First her with the feet, now him with the entire body.
This is my chair! Don't use it as an assistive device to get your fat ass up.
Engage your core.
And if you don't know where it is, lift up your gut and find it.
Ma'am, you cannot speak to people that way.
[Scoffs.]
So I'm the asshole.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Are you sleeping? Move your seat up.
[Rumbling.]
Don't worry about these little bumps.
I'm not.
Did you Did you lose your seat? A little bit of a light chop.
They call it turbulence.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I-I forget why they call it that.
'Cause the the air flow's "turbulent.
" Oh, that's it.
That's it.
And, of course, no reason to be nervous.
Like I said, I-I'm not, but, you know, I-I think you should really find your seat.
- [Rumbles.]
- [P.
A.
chimes.]
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated.
Well, looks like you're stuck with me now.
[Seatbelt clicks.]
You know what? How 'bout you have one of these? Oh, no.
I shouldn't.
Oh, yeah.
No, you should.
You should.
It'll help your nerves.
I don't want to sit here and listen to 'em.
Mason: Yo, yo, yo, yo! This is the bro classical renaissance hypebeast.
- You got to be kidding.
- The comedy Bugatti, the info Lambo, this is Mason The Block! Are you kidding me? Can I just cut to the right now, fam? How tired are we of this Cheeto in Chief? [ Laughter, scattered applause.]
This guy's so orange, nothing rhymes with him.
[ Laughter.]
He's such a criminal, orange is the new orange.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause.]
My producers told me that was intellectual comedy.
[ Laughter.]
Jesus Christ, another unique take on politics.
What's he eviscerating this week? Why are you so judgmental? 'Cause he's your ex? No, 'cause he sucks.
If you have a TV show, you should be funnier and smarter than me, and he's neither.
Ow! Ow! Oh, my God, I love this guy.
He is so funny and so smart.
Why don't you be happy for the guy and say something nice Mom? [Laughter.]
Ha! A-ha! Fine.
I'm Mom.
You happy? Why would that make me happy? I wish this was more of an à la carte thing, 'cause I've got 17's rack.
14's legs.
9's nose, and, uh 2's left eyebrow.
Perfect.
[Slurring.]
Oh! That makes me so happy.
[Chuckles.]
It's good.
You know, it's funny, no matter how much I intellectualize it, - planes just doesn't make any sense.
- Yeah.
I mean, a big piece of metal in the sky? I mean, h-how does that even work? Thrust and lift.
I've heard that, but what does it even mean? Well Hi.
I don't want to alarm the other passengers, but we have slight medical emergency in the cockpit.
Our captain, Captain Ron Weaver - Oh.
- [Chuckles.]
- Has come down with a bit of the flu.
- Oh.
And a little birdy told me we have a reserve pilot here.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and that birdy is ready to fly.
[Both chuckle.]
Wait, what? You're a pilot? You're so nervous.
Nervous flier.
Very, very confident pilot.
See? Oh.
Except on these big birds.
Not nearly enough experience.
The death multiplier on your mistakes is like [Exhales.]
- Okay.
Here I go.
- Wait.
No, no, no! You're letting that guy fly this plane? Ah, First Officer is fine by himself.
Why don't you have a drink? It'll calm you down.
- I di I had - [Gulps, burps.]
[Laughter.]
It's funny, 'cause it's true! Ow! Ow! [Laughter.]
He's not funny! He's not even telling jokes! He's just dancing! Ma'am, settle down, or we will have to put this plane on the ground.
[P.
A.
chimes.]
First Officer: Folks, from the flight deck, looks like we're gonna have to make an emergency landing due to the, uh excessive amount of vomit up here in the cockpit.
Instruments are [Ed retches.]
Aw, Jesus! The air sickness bag is right there, God damn it! [Retching continues.]
God damn it! - Hey, where are we? - Flight Attendant: Ma'am - Can someone tell me where we are? - Sit down.
You need to be seatbelted.
It's the law.
In what country? I don't what countr This country is just blank! Babe! Babe?! - Mason: Yo, yo, yo! - [Cackles.]
[Middle Eastern music plays.]
[Indistinct conversations in foreign languages.]
- Why is he yelling at us? - I'm scared.
Who would've thought a half gallon of vomit would write off an jet? That's the Tupolev for ya.
[Indistinct conversations.]
I can't believe they're making me cover my head.
Oh, my God, would you let it go? How about you don't have to worry about your hair for once? Yeah, well, it's a double standard, Nate.
You know, you get to roll up here in clown shoes, and I'm in head prison.
It's a beautiful scarf that I bought it.
It's an oppressive law.
Oh, my God.
Why can't it be the height of feminism? - Oh, my - You're rejecting society's views that you have to look sexy all the time.
I would like to have the choice to look sexy all the time.
I've known you for 16 years.
You've "chosen" to dress sexy for me twice.
Yes, and I would like to have the choice to dress sexy.
- I'm taking it off.
- Don't do that here.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm American.
I don't speak oppression.
She's American.
I'm half Canadian.
Scarf.
Now.
Make Up.
Too heavy.
I've always told her that.
She's a natural beauty.
Ah! Pants.
Too short.
This too tight.
Okay, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do what the women around here should have done back in 1979 I'm just gonna [Both muttering.]
Like this? Is this how you do it? Go.
Thanks very much.
[Scoffs.]
Americans.
[Grunts.]
Shit.
Very cool shoes.
[Scoffs.]
You need haircut.
Please indicate on the form how you heard about Iran.
I don't understand why we have to clear customs.
We didn't even get off the plane.
This is just stop eight on our way to Russia.
How you heard about Iran? From a man in a vest.
Oh, don't worry.
Not a boom vest or anything.
Uh, we're not the kind of guys to bring that up.
Please.
[Slowly.]
Write in how you heard about us.
- There.
- Stop being such a dick.
Just write it.
A cat told you? Mm-hmm.
He was Persian.
[Murmuring.]
Oh, yes.
Hi.
Oh, shit.
Oh, sure, I'm a dick, and then you go make a comment about the smell on here? That's borderline racist.
What? No.
Look.
This curtain closes, right, to keep out the riffraff? First class! Come on, bab - Shit! - Gene: Whoa! - [Nate groans.]
- Quick, let's go.
- Go where? We're on a plane.
- We got to go to Go to the back! Delilah: Just get in the bathroom! Go, go! Oh, shit.
[P.
A.
chimes.]
First class.
Thank you Uncle Gene for taking a year of Farsi in college.
[Speaks Farsi.]
I don't know what that means.
Boom! [Laughs.]
We got a We got blankets.
I don't think that was Farsi.
Awesome.
Oh, look at this.
Sleep mask.
Mm-hmm.
That'll come in handy.
I'll be too excited to sleep.
Nuts.
I got nuts.
I got ear plugs.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Socks! Socks! I got socks.
And d dates! Two dates! Double dates.
Can I offer you a drink, sir? You know what I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in over year, and I think it's about time.
Yes, you can.
I will take one of those champagne and orange juice thingys.
Unfortunately, Iran is a dry country.
I know it's dry.
That's why I need a drink.
Mm, no alcohol.
I can offer you water.
I'll gladly accept.
- Still nice to be asked.
- This plane smells so bad.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You cannot say that.
- Why not? - 'Cause it's a loaded thing.
You can't say other races smell bad.
This plane is not a race.
And it would be racist to not say it smells bad because you're afraid you look like a racist if you do.
Oh, look at this.
Fancy.
It's just water.
Folks, I want to apologize for the smell.
The economy bathroom is broken, and it really smells.
[Hushed.]
This airline sucks.
A little legroom.
I like that.
Ahhh! First class! First class! I've never seen a squat toilet on a plane before.
Squat toilets are proven much more effective for passing stool.
[Rumbling.]
What does that mean? Oh, that was close.
[Rumbling.]
[Both scream.]
Do you hear that.
Hmm? No.
- Hey, can I get some more nuts? - Of course.
Yeah.
The hot ones really good.
[Grinding.]
You want to shower first, or should I? [Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Hoo.
Thank you so much for that flight.
It was really, really Merci.
That's French, dum-dum.
- I'm happy you enjoyed.
- No, I really I don't want to overstep my cultural boundaries, but, uh, your hijab just beautiful.
It really is.
It brings out your eyes.
- Merci.
- See? Yeah, okay.
So, uh, I'm gonna go find my dad.
You're gonna go to the American Embassy and get us some help, yes? Yeah.
I know, I know.
Apropos of nothing, This has been, like, the smoothest trip we have ever taken.
I agree.
Aside from being slapped around by the Modesty Police.
- Well, you kind of had it coming.
- I'll take it.
I just feel like it's easier when it's the two of us.
You know, I think I think maybe it's the kids that have been getting in the way the whole time.
Oh.
Yeah, no.
It is definitely the kid [Groans.]
Jesus Christ.
Ugh.
Quick.
Let's go.
Mom and Dad are gone.
Please.
Change into it.
It's all I had.
Uh, no.
Thank you.
We couldn't.
Please.
You wear it.
You smell like shit.
Jared: This is scary.
Delilah: Totally.
What the hell happened here? And why is there milk everywhere? Eugh.
And why is there so many soccer balls? Okay.
Just focus, okay? You know, you got to dote on Peepaw a little before we ask him for money.
"Peepaw, we love you.
Peepaw, we miss you.
" Peepaw, why doesn't our mother let us have "a meaningful relationship with you?" You know, shit like that.
Peepaw! Peepaw, your grandkids are here! Where the hell is he? How should I know? This is where he said to meet him? Those are soldiers.
And they have guns in their hand.
And there's bullets all over the ground.
- What the hell did you get me into? - I'm sorry.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I want to go home.
Okay, okay.
Are you guys looking for somebody? Hoods down.
Hoods down.
[Gate clangs.]
My husband was right.
Those oppressive outfits [Voice breaking.]
really do accentuate the features that matter.
[Sniffles.]
You have the most beautiful eyes.
And I want you to know that you have the choice to stop hiding anytime you want.
Please.
[Voice breaking.]
I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry.
[Sobbing.]
Don't be sorry.
No, you're fine.
You're fine.
You okay? I'm okay.
I love you guys.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
You're doing fine, right? Okay.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Do you know him? Okay, just No, I don't.
Just shut up.
Shh, shh.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
You are J.
R.
's family? Your dad He's at the Embassy right now.
He's gonna get us help, okay? He's gonna get us out of here.
Okay.