The Detour (2016) s04e09 Episode Script

The Bride

1 [Distorted shouting.]
[Distorted laughter.]
[Distorted.]
Hashtag So Funny! [Distorted grunting.]
I told you, man.
They're killers.
They're stone-cold killers.
[Distorted laughter.]
[Gasps.]
What the? [Dryer blowing.]
Look at that.
VHS tapes and fur coats.
Welcome to Russia.
30 years behind God.
Small feet.
Lucky I'm a knot guy.
Ah, come on! Oh, man.
It's so far.
[Grunts.]
Aw, damn it! [Argument in Russian continues faintly.]
[Man speaking Russian on television.]
[Woman speaking Russian on television.]
[Muffled.]
Help me! Help! Help! [Muffled.]
Stop eating soup! - [Rock music plays.]
- [Muffled.]
Guys, help! [Woman speaking Russian on television.]
[Muffled shouting.]
Stop eating! [Rock music plays.]
Help! Help me! [Whimpering.]
How did I get here? [Man singing in Russian.]
[Buzzing.]
Gene: All right, party animals.
Who wants to get laid? - Yeah! - Whoo! Sharpen your pencils, boys.
Good to see ya.
Excuse me.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not part of this tour, guys.
I'm I got to get downtown to the embassy.
You need to go inside.
You don't get free trip to Russia without leaving with nice bony betty, okay? Okay.
["Kickstart My Heart" plays.]
Yeah, yeah Whoa, yeah Welcome, welcome American macho men.
Pick a seat, pick a girl, and let the fast romance begin.
Holy shit.
This is so sad.
Yes, it is.
Gene: Remember, boys, watch your drinks.
Otherwise you'll wind up in a bathtub having your organs harvested.
Gentlemen? [Indistinct conversations.]
Okay.
I'm going.
God.
So, uh, listen.
I gotta be honest.
I just need to get to the American embassy.
I'm looking for an old, wealthy man with bad heart.
- Are you any of those things? - No.
No, I'm none of those things.
Did you know that I am number one in all of selfie class? I'm not really here to flirt.
[Giggles.]
#MeToo.
You don't look like a guy who consume a bag of dicks.
No, the expression is "eat a bag of dicks.
" Hey, pay attention to your own girl, okay? - What is favorite food? - I don't know.
Pizza.
Pizza?! Yes! #MeToo! Why you here? Micropenis? - No.
- Soft penis? No.
Sometimes.
But most of the time What do you want to call your first child? I already have.
Her name's Del Delicious! Yes! #MeToo! Delicious is great name.
- Tuna-can penis.
- What? Penis with a hole halfway down shaft.
No, that's not a thing.
- Penis with a tooth on it.
- Is that a Chernobyl thing? Nyext! Do you say annex, I say yes Still here.
Douche.
Ugh.
How long does thing go on for? Yes, this is not what I had hoped for, either.
All the sad people dancing around lies, afraid of truth.
[Laughs.]
I like your shoes.
- Hm.
- And your hat! Are you actually from Syracuse? Yeah, born and raised.
[Gasps.]
I've always wanted to go there.
Really? Why? Sometimes love need no explanation.
Mm.
Whoa.
These beets are good.
- They go well with vodka.
- Oh, wow.
That would help me get through this event for sure.
And there it is.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Whoo! Last time I drank vodka with a beautiful Russian woman, I almost died.
Oh, my God.
You find me beautiful? That is a very Russian takeaway from what I just said.
I was just thinking why did I come to this pathetic event? And then you show up.
I think you are the best-looking man.
- Well, thank you.
- In the room.
- I'll still take it.
- Na zdorov'e.
- Sure.
- [Chuckles.]
Za zdorov'e! [Laughs.]
[Slurring.]
Oh, there's a lot of vodka in this alcohol.
But I'll have one more.
Then I gotta hit the road.
I show Russian-style.
Okay, give me your hand.
- Russian.
Uh-huh? - Okay.
One, two, three, go! - Mmm! - Mmm! - Ahh! - This is awkward.
- [As Borat.]
But I like! - You like? [Normal voice.]
Yeah.
You know that? Oh, I don't mean to get serious, but do you like hockey? - There's no other sport.
- Are you a Sabres fan? Let's go, Buffalo! And you even know the song! Oh, my God! Drew Stafford was my first crush! - What?! He was mine! - No.
[Laughing.]
I mean, in a man-crush kind of way, but holy It's like I'm staring at my new best friend! Friends with benefits? There's always benefits to having more friends.
[Giggles.]
Okay, enough talking.
Now we see who is dance-compatible.
- Let's go dance.
- I'm not Let's go dance.
I'm not I don't know what you're saying.
- Whoo! - All right.
All right.
- One dance, and then I gotta go.
- Whoo! I need to go somewhere.
- Whoo! - Whoa.
Yeah.
It's such a good vibration I like this song! I like the Funky Bunch version better! [Laughs.]
I'm not a Marky Mark fan.
- Whoo! - See ya.
- Whoo! - When you hold me closer Huh? I'm coming to you.
Who's coming to you? Come to me! Come to me! Whoo! Yes! Whoo! [Giggling.]
Whoo! Yes! [Shouting and laughter echoing.]
Ohh.
Oh.
Oh, God.
- [Music stops.]
- Ohh.
Ohh [Laughter.]
I need to find my family.
My family's Ohh.
Gene: I told you, man! They're killers! They're stone-cold killers! [Sheep bleating.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Man and woman shouting in Russian.]
Oh, no, no, no! He escaped! Find him! [Gasps.]
[Object clatters.]
You are the man Natalia's looking for? If that's the chick trying to harvest my organs, then, yeah, I'm the guy.
Ah, shit.
[Chuckles.]
Aah! Why does Buddy, is there a way off this roof? Yes.
That way.
- What do you mean? Jump? - Yes.
[Stammers.]
What?! That No! That's like 60 feet! No.
Like 6 feet.
You can make it.
I can't make that.
You are parkour? How do you know my last name? - Parkour.
- Yeah.
Nate "Park-our.
" Yes.
- How do you know that? - Parkour can make.
Parkours can do a lot of things, okay, but that I cannot make.
- You can make it.
- I can't! [Pounding on door.]
Okay.
Maybe I can, right? 'Cause I'm jumping at a downward angle.
- That's Pythagorean theorem, right? - Sure.
Sum of the two sides of an isosceles triangle, divided by the square root of the other two sides is the momentum that That's the math.
I would jump.
She will try to kill you.
Is that what she said? You better go.
She said she will throw you off the building.
Oh, no! Why would she do that? Much easier to harvest organs from a dead man.
Why would she want these fatty organs? They don't even work half the time! Oh.
Okay.
All right.
[Hands clap.]
Okay, okay.
- All right.
Ahh.
- What is this? It's called stretching, all right? Americans warm up before strenuous activity.
- Just go! - I'm going! Cool it! Ahh.
[Pounding continues.]
Go.
Whew.
I I can't.
I can't.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
Okay.
Once you use your Euclidean geometry, you'll make it.
You're right.
I can do this.
All right.
Whoo! All right.
All right.
That's what I always tell my kids.
Parkours can do anything they set their mind to.
- Sure.
- All right.
This is just like the Presidential Fitness Challenge in middle school, okay? Only this time, I'm not winning the silver.
I'm going for gold.
Showtime! Ahh, America! [Grunts.]
Aaaaaah! [Coughing.]
Aaaah! [Breathing heavily.]
I never thought I'd be a vodka fan, yet here I am.
Aw, shit.
Got a lot of history here.
Police! Hey! Police! Police.
There's people chasing me, okay? I need to get to the American Embassy.
I'm an American.
America.
Apple pie? Come on.
America.
Of course.
You're 30 years behind the times.
Fonzie.
"Ay-ee! Mrs.
C! Mrs" Avoid the Noid? Big bucks, no whammies? M-M-M-Max, Max.
Max.
Max H-H-H-Headroom - Stop! - Stop.
Hammertime.
Hunh! Yeah, you know that.
Hammer? Come on.
You know Hammer.
Hunh-oh! Huh-oh, huh-oh.
Huh-oh, huh-oh.
Come on.
Hammertime.
Stop.
[Indistinct shouting.]
See, I told you! Buddy, buddy.
What are you doing? That's not what that's for.
God, no wonder you lost the Cold War.
[Grunts.]
Hey.
Does anyone know where the American Embas What the hell is that? Does anyone You guys speak English? [Baby wailing.]
Hey! Is this Is this your baby? - Da.
- You just leave it hanging there? Da.
[Baby wailing.]
What is Russia! [Baby wailing.]
Jesus Christ! Guys! Shit.
Jesus Christ! What is wrong with Russia?! God! Ahh.
Damn it! Whoa.
You guys being chased, too? Is that the only way out of this gulag? Guys! Hook a brother up! Ah.
Damn it.
Come on! Get it! Aw, shit! [Grunts.]
Third time's the charm! Aw, shit.
Ah.
That's a better way.
Nate Parkour! [Metal pipe rolling.]
Ah, ha, ha! I'm not being chased.
Nobody's chasing me.
[Chuckles.]
It's classic Nate Parker overreaction right there.
Sort of the bane of my existence, man.
Jesus Christ.
What am I thinkin'? Ahh.
In my defense, everyone in this country looks a little suspicious, but it's only 'cause you never smile.
I mean, do you ever smile? See, that's very unnerving, you know? But Russians are a-okay with me, man.
[Grunting.]
No! No! Ah! Ooh.
[Cow moos.]
Come out! Nate: All right, okay.
Okay, guys.
Cool it.
Be cool.
Be cool.
- I've done nothing wrong, okay? - Shut up! I'm an American citizen.
Half Canadian.
Aah! [Giggling.]
Mwah! Oh, I'm so happy to see you again.
I thought you were dead when you fell through the roof or worse.
But, uh, you ran away from me.
No, why would I do that? [Giggles.]
[Speaks Russian.]
- [Giggles.]
- Yeah.
Hm.
Hm.
Hm.
Mwah! All right.
You can't hurt me, Nutcracker, 'cause I'm with her.
You will marry my daughter, yes? Oh, shit.
That's your daughter? Oh, no.
No.
I-I actually can't.
- Ah, you are a gay, huh? - What? No.
I'm not gay.
- Then you may.
- No, no, no, I-I can't.
- Then you are a gay.
- Why are those the only two choices? Then you will.
- Not.
- Yes.
You will.
You will.
Still not gonna do it.
[Scoffs.]
[Sobbing.]