The Durrells (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 8

1 So, is your wife at least writing to you from Athens? No.
She said she needs time to think.
- About what? - I wish I knew.
Maybe she's bored.
Am I boring? Oh, yes, you are, really.
No.
Except when you're talking about your carburrengas.
Carburettor.
I just want you to be happy.
It's not for me to comment on your family.
- He seems sad.
- It could just be from living with us.
I think Frank's like me, he's searching, for meaning.
He's a sloth.
He's being slothful.
You're muddling him up with a Jack Russell.
Listen, as we're not inheriting any money, I've been doing some paid journalism.
Listen to my piece for the Daily Mail.
"Corfu is a jewel set in an azure sea.
With magical vistas at every turn, the smiling locals cannot believe their good fortune.
" Well, you've invented half of this.
"A fleet of stylish taxis is on hand to whisk you around the island.
" - Well, there's Spiros! - Exactly.
"All modern conveniences are present and correct.
" There's no electricity.
Yes, there is an element of fiction.
Shouldn't you have a novel out? - Ah, yes, thank you for asking.
- I don't want to read it.
I just thought it might make us some cash.
Lovely (!) I'm going into town.
Ah, that would be "Corfu Town, the eighth wonder of the world.
Walk hand in hand among the" ~ - Was that Greek? - Yes.
Was it that bad? I do not know.
We are not Greek.
Ah! What are you? Internationalists.
And what brings Does your friend speak? ~ Not usually.
- And what brings you to Corfu? - We are in a travelling circus.
Huh.
Me, too.
Ventriloquist.
I have a little man who I bring to life.
What do you do? I'm a contortionist.
Please be my girlfriend.
We're not built to be alone, are we? Are you talking about you and a famous local taxi driver? No.
All of you.
Zoltan was odd today.
He bought me flowers but guilty flowers, like he's being unfaithful.
Of course, he's not.
I wasn't going to tell you, as you'll get over-excited, but I have a new girlfriend -- Elena.
And she can get into the most extraordinary positions.
- Horrid! - Oh, please stop! - She's a professional -- - There's nothing funny about prostitution! She works for a bloody travelling circus! Oh, I see.
I love circuses, don't you? The mad acts, the unpredictable animals - You get all that here.
- Yes, I realised that.
But let's go.
It'll be magical.
We'll ask Spiros to take us there.
- That's the circus? - Yes.
Now, where's my limber lover? We Corfiots are suspicious of these people.
- Why? - They worship Satan.
- Are you sure? - Maybe they don't, but they are strange.
They have animals.
So, being pregnant, does it feel like you've just eaten a huge meal? No.
Lower.
Does it feel like you've just eaten a huge meal? Aw.
Hello, my son Larry has become friends with your contortionist.
I've never seen him so happy, and we thought it would be fun to call by.
We are not in the business of fun.
Are you sure? You are a circus.
We are.
So, when do you open? When we are ready.
We lost some acts recently.
What does she do? Apart from being that size.
I cannot say.
But she talks.
~ - Mother? This is Elena.
- Hello.
Hello, I hear you can lick your own elbow.
- Yup.
- Yes.
I can lick everything.
How useful.
Now Zoltan's about to bugger off with someone else, I should run away to the circus.
No, don't do that.
But they are short of people.
You could offer to do an act.
Go on.
Go.
You want to do an act? Oh, you overheard.
Yes.
I used to do an overhearing act.
I would but I don't have any skills.
Learn one, and you may perform it.
You have two days.
- Leslie, you are very nervous.
- So you'd be.
But you'll love this.
I'm ashamed it's taken me so long to fall in love with you.
But now I have.
You're already the mother of my child.
Daphne Likourgou, will you be my wife? I made it myself, out of wood.
It's quite unusual.
Yes, I will marry you.
Wonderful.
Let's go and tell everyone.
Here.
Oh, no, is it because the ring's made out of wood? No.
- Go on.
- No.
Please.
For me, it's work.
Well, for me it's pleasure.
And I'll make sure all my family come to your circus.
It can only be downhill from here.
- Leslie! - Hello, Florence.
- Margo's gone, I'm afraid.
- Oh.
Can I be Margo for a moment? Not easy, but I'll give it a go.
Thank you, yes.
I erm, I wanted Margo's opinion, as she's a girl.
But so are you, in a way.
Thank you.
- So, I proposed to Daphne.
- Oh, well done! - How'd it go? - Well, she said yes then ran off in tears.
Happy tears? Not really.
- Her brain is basted in hormones.
- Is that what it is? - How many months gone is she? - I'm not sure.
She keeps knocking ornaments over with her belly.
Actually, I know she's seven months, - because my husband examined her.
- Oh, yes.
God! I remember when I was at seven months.
One day, I tried to open the door with a banana instead of a key.
I slept with Daphne five months ago.
Well, you know my husband.
Talk about making it up as he goes along! Leslie? Frank would be good in the circus.
"Blink Less Than The Creature, Win A Fish.
" What's going on in your head? Hmm? It's wondering the same about me.
I think I know why you ran off.
- I'm very emotional.
- Me, too.
Because it's not my baby, is it? No.
Thanks.
Oh Fleet Street's contribution to the war against Durrell family poverty.
Thank you.
I'd so love not to be worrying about money.
Well, I'll earn damn-all from my novel.
Henry's written urging me to resist censorship.
It's not about censorship, it's to stop you breaking the law.
Why do you have to write about sex all the time? It's everywhere! Look at you and Spiros.
You'd have to use a machete to cut through the hormone thicket.
That's an exaggeration! So, I'll publish in Paris and be read by the avant-garde.
Whereas this which I wrote for The Times, will reach the boring millions.
"Corfu is like a painting by Rousseau -- verdant and alive with metaphorical tigers.
" "Come for the sunbeams, linger for the quietude, the legendary Greek xenia" - You're exhausting! - "And" For months, you made me feel bad about not wanting my baby, then not wanting to marry you.
I know.
I apologise.
Oh, well that's all right then (!) I lost Dionysia, who I adored, because I'd put you in the family way -- apparently.
You should not have had three girlfriends! Well, how many boyfriends did you have? - And I only slept with one -- you.
- Because the others wouldn't let you.
Well, yes, perhaps.
But Huh! Leslie, I love you more than the baby's father.
Does that mean anything to you? Yes.
- A baby needs a father.
- I know.
I grew up without one.
And you will be a good one.
If not for me, for someone.
It was more easy to lie to you when you were being horrible to me.
Who is the father? - Spiros.
- Spiros? Not Spiros the taxi driver.
Oh, God, don't do that.
There are thousands of Spiros on the island.
Leslie, I love you, and I still want to marry you.
Will you? I don't know.
I really don't know.
So, not juggling.
Would you like to be a clown? That's sort of already the role I have at home.
Ah, good.
You are experienced.
I'd prefer something new.
What do you think of this one? Hmm? What do you think of So, tell me what she does.
She is a prima donna, but without her we are nothing.
She makes gasp.
- She makes the audience gasp? - Yes.
In life, and in the circus, we need to gasp.
That's so true.
You could be magician's assistant.
I don't want to be an assistant, I want to be the magician.
Hello, sir.
You can do animal tricks.
Yes.
Yes, but before I agree, I must check you take care of your animals.
The man in charge didn't inspire confidence.
I treat my animals better than my humans.
Excellent.
- I can tick that off the list.
- I have a bad back.
How many performances will you do? For the Circus, I mean.
Not for me.
At this rate, one very short one.
Nobody has bought tickets.
Maybe you'd sell more tickets if you all looked a bit jollier.
We are mainly from Eastern Europe.
Smiling does not come natural.
- Do you know what you're doing? - Yes.
I borrowed all this stuff from Dragan the Ringmaster.
Sadly, the instructions are in foreign.
You should call yourself "The Amazing Margoni".
Yeah.
- And now - Durrellina! The Mistress of Delusion.
"Illusion".
Well, we'll see! And now, the boy levitates! In a magic way! - Ow! - Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
He's all right.
Oh, that.
I hate magic.
- Why? - Because it's a form of lying.
Oh, that's a little harsh.
The same could be said for acting Well, that's how I feel! Oh, hello Zoltan.
How are you? I am superb, thank you, Mrs Durrell.
Margo seems to think you're not happy with her.
Do reassure her, won't you? It's bad enough worrying about four children.
And when you add in their boy-friends, and pregnant or contortionist girlfriends it can be quite a burden.
And that's before we get to me.
- Er er - Zoltan? Who should I sympathise with first, you or Leslie? Do Leslie.
I'll work on my 'sawing the Turkish boyfriend in half' trick.
Spiros said something funny about guns, earlier, about the Greek army Did he? Well, it was a hoot.
What's wrong? I'm not the father of Daphne's child.
What? Daphne was pregnant before we met.
Oh, Leslie.
He abandoned her.
So, now, of course, - I'm wondering, did she sleep with me just to trap me? - No.
She says she's still keen for us to marry, and bring up the child together.
What do you want to do? I sort of hate her for what she's done but .
.
maybe it doesn't matter who made the baby.
We love being together.
But after everything Daphne's put you through, could you trust her ever again? Come on.
Ah.
Glad you're all getting in the mood.
Leslie isn't the father of Daphne's baby.
I told him something wasn't right! Read some novels, I said.
Women are programmed to protect their babies at whatever cost.
Well done, Larry, never knowingly diplomatic (!) Oh, sorry.
That's one of mine.
Elena's asked us to help save the show tomorrow.
Half the acts are missing.
The new stilt-walker has vertigo, and nobody's buying tickets.
I'm pulling out.
My levitation trick will bring the family to shame.
No! No, try something else.
Get Leslie involved.
Gerry's already helping.
And, well, Spiros and I will drum up business.
Spiros is spending a lot of time round here.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
And tomorrow he'll be helping me save the circus.
Wow.
- What did I do to deserve this? - Where do I start? Let's go finish those shelves.
Ah, no, we have something to pick up from the circus.
- Ready? - Ready! Yes! Yes! ~ Margo, we need to talk.
Well, just don't go.
I have argued but they need me back in Izmir for the family business.
- Why? - We are modernising our manufacture of rivets.
There are important decisions to be made about production quantity.
It's an exciting time for rivets, because -- Not as exciting as us.
There is love and there is family.
Sometimes you cannot have both.
Why not just say you have to go back instead of being all moody? I've had a very tiring fortnight.
It seemed better to make you hate me, so you don't feel sad when I go.
Where do you get all these? Is there a "Manual of Stupid Ideas For Boys"? Not to my knowledge.
Well, aren't you going to invite me to go back to Turkey with you? Yes.
Of course! Come with me! No, I can't, let's be realistic.
Oh.
All right.
Come and see me later at the circus and realise what you'll be missing.
I know already.
Well, I'm going to catch a bullet in my mouth, so you should be there in case I get shot in the head.
~ Bad things may happen but but fear not, everyone! Life is a circus! What else can she do, ladies and gentlemen? Find out this evening! And, well, don't try it at home.
Right, I'll cure you of this strange affliction.
Look into my eyes.
I ain't got nobody And maybe nobody got me Stupid animals.
Buy! Buy! - Well, a few people.
- Yes.
I think, without our efforts, they'd be performing to, well, you, me and some fireflies.
Now, don't show off and overdo it.
I have to show off.
It is a circus.
- Mm, that feels nice.
- Good.
Now me.
You are an extraordinary animal trainer.
But the thing is, Carlos, as you and I both know, that animals will only do what they want to.
And if you try and force them I never should have agreed to this.
I was emotionally vulnerable.
There's a lot of that around at the moment, but thank you.
I'm sorry about Zoltan leaving for Turkey.
He was a real dope, but you licked him into shape.
- I did, didn't I? - Hm.
Hello.
What's in your box? My beard.
Put it on me.
Get on.
Stay.
So, that's why we have all those animals.
Why do I feel increasingly like a Gooseberry? I will now catch a bullet in this metal cup in my mouth! No, she will not catch a bullet! - Did you know about this? - No.
Shall I stop her? Oh let's risk it.
I have three more children.
And I've got you.
.
.
the bullet that will go through the glass is real! Huh.
He, he's a doctor! ~ Where will I find a talking head? Good evening.
The climax of the show! Prepare to gasp! Ladies and Gentlemen ~ .
.
the Talking Head Of Transylvania! Good evening! Where are you from, Talking Head? I'm from Transylvania.
As you said.
But also I come from inside your own heads.
What do you think of Corfu? It is empyrean.
Good.
~ And now questions from the audience.
Can you predict the future? Yes.
What will happen? That is qu quite, quite a general question.
In the future, many visitors will come to this special island, and be happy.
I want to enjoy this moment.
Me, too.
Also in the future, everyone will have things called telephones.
Oh, thank you, Talking Head.
One more question? Do you have a question, Louisa? You've always called me Mrs Durrell.
I know.
You are talking.
You have a question? Ah, well I know what is in your head, pretty middle-aged lady.
So, I know what your question is.
"Will I find love soon?" And the answer is, you have found it.
But like the wind, it is hard to carry home.
Thank you very much, Talking Head.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
A round of applause for Talking Head.
While I am still married, I can't say I love you.
I understand.
But please imagine me saying it.
Believe me, I have.
Many times.
Thank you! Thank you! Well, that was quite a night.
Wasn't it.
Maybe that's what you need, I can see you in a pair of stilts.
I know what he needs.
To go home.
Home where? Carlos the animal minder's going back to Columbia.
He could take Frank with him, ease him into the wild.
Yeah, I think he needs some love.
Oh, hello! Are you together? No.
No, I am with Margo, Daphne is -- Well, I know that, come in.
Thank you.
Erm, shall I speak first? May I speak first? The father, Spiros, came to my house last night, after the circus.
Oh.
And he is going to stay? Yes.
So, now you are free.
You said once that having a baby feels like being buried alive.
Yes.
Though we don't really know what we want, do we? Until it's snatched away.
Or is that just me? No, it's me, too.
You must go.
Knowing your father, he'll want you to squeeze in a quick wedding.
Yes.
- You were very good at the circus.
- Thanks.
The magic hasn't lasted through to today.
Sorry to miss you last night.
I was trying to persuade Father to let me stay.
- Thanks.
- He is a serious man.
Seeing you being shot in a circus would not help.
I can see that.
But it did not work.
I have a goodbye present for you.
And I have one for you.
It's some underwear of mine.
I asked Larry and he said boys like this sort of present.
That is so true.
Do you want some of my underwear? I don't.
But thank you.
I made it for you myself.
That's genuinely the best present I've ever had.
This is, too.
It's you, standing in the door.
I hope you don't mind.
This way, I am still in your life, in a small way.
Me and the ghost of your Great-Aunt Hermione.
Let's not dwell on our love troubles.
Remember life is a circus.
And the circus is moving on, and taking its contortionist with it.
- Galini didn't come.
- Not you, too? You'll be all right.
You still got your man.
If you mean Spiros, may I remind you he still has a wife and children? What will you do with him when he's home? We will live together in the trees.
Mmm.
Mrs Durrell, what would I do without you and your family? Well, I'm sure you would manage, but we've loved helping.
We're moving on, south, to Gouvia.
Gouvia's north.
North? ~ I'm so sorry to say goodbye.
You're making this very hard for me.
Cheeky boy.
That's the bitter truth, Margo.
We try to be fascinating and lovely but all men want is a girlfriend who's really bendy.
Hello.
Go on.
No.
Two hours ago, I was getting ready to settle down and have a baby.
Excuse me, can you teach me how you do the Hello, Leslie.
Hello.
I leave circus, I stay with you.
Oh, no.
No, tha-that's really thoughtful of you, but I've just ended a really serious relationship.
No, no Mum? - Gerry! - Galini! Sorry, my parents don't let me go to the circus yesterday.
Ah, well, you're here now.
OK, everyone on the terrace.
Gerry, bring the donkey.
All right, Talking Head.
Spiros.
Thank you for last night.
Thank you Mrs Durrells.
Oh so not "Louisa"? My wife returned this morning, with the children.
Oh.
How splendid.
Yes.
It was good to see the little ones.
They've grown in only a few weeks.
Sorry.
Well it'll have to be me who finishes the shelves.
No.
I am still available.
With my handyman hat on.
Well, we all have our different hats, don't we? I'll have to dust off my lovelorn widow's veil.
No.
I don't like that one.
There's my mothering hat.
It's more like a crash helmet at the moment.
It's er it's been a bad day for love for the Durrells.
Only Gerry's got through it unscathed.
Call me Louisa.
One last time.
Louisa.
Oh.
I er, dropped off er, some guests for you.
- I'll go check on them.
- Oh.
Thank you.
There.
We can stay here until all the tears are out.
No, there'll be more to come.
Over the next weeks, and months.
And years.
Well, in that case .
.
you need a distraction.
So rather than apologise, because this is my fault, let's look on this as an opportunity.
It seems my travel journalism is bearing unexpectedly heavy fruit.
Have these people come from England? Yes.
On the last ferry.
They loved what I wrote about Corfu.
You made it all up! And they want to enjoy it as much as we have.
What are they doing at the house? I mentioned that I live here.
They seem to have taken that as an invitation.
Isn't it lovely -- visitors! No! No, it's not.
We can't afford to put them up.
- We have nothing.
- Yes, we charge them.
We can open up the attic and squeeze a few in there.
Yeah!