The Durrells (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

Season 4, Episode 1

Here, let me give you a hand.
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC GROANS There we go.
Gerry! Stop that pelican squawking or I'll throw a typewriter on its head! Mother? Stop Larry squawking.
Come, shoo! ORCHESTRAL MUSIC So I said to him, "You're very sweet, "but you look about 14 and only come up to my chest.
" Someone bang the exciting new gong! Quick, put this on.
You must be joking.
It's the big moment! GONG GONG, GONG SHEEP BAAS LUGARETZIA SPEAKS IN GREEK What's she saying? Too many bloody foreigners in the house.
We are not foreign, Lugaretzia.
You are foreign.
I'm certainly not foreign.
Cometh the cocktail hour, cometh the man.
Have you gonged the exciting new gong? Yes, I did.
Because the builders have finally left and the penthouse floor is ready.
So, now we are up and running as a high-grade guesthouse, I will have to charge all my lodgers the full weekly rent of 80 drachma.
Larry! Can we be your girlfriends and move into your room? Oh, all right.
BOTH GIGGLE Well, I think it's thrilling.
Guests, a venture to be proud of and a chance to heal the sadnesses of the past.
Will you please stop growing! Bacon, known locally as noumboulo.
Eggs and vegetables from the garden.
And orange juice, enlivened with kumquat.
Thank you.
Now that I'm paying the full ticket, a chaser of porridge would slide down very nicely.
But of course.
You will explode.
It's a risk I'm happy to take.
Good morning, Spiro.
Mrs Durrells.
The postman asked me to take this to you because he couldn't be bothered.
Thank you.
It's either Margo's fashion magazines or Leslie's gun ones.
Pretty or dead seems to be the choice.
It's strange not seeing you since Yes.
How are your children? Ah Noisy? And your wife? Pleased to be back, I think.
SHUTTERS OPEN Oh, wonderful to see you, Spiro! SHEEP BAAS Oh, congratulations.
Thank you, yes.
It's going very well.
I hear you're running a boardy house? A boarding house.
Yes, well, starting.
We only have one paying guest, Basil.
If you hear of any lodgers, especially rich or barmy, do send them our way.
That won't be necessary.
So, goodbye.
Goodbye.
BANG Aw You need to be friends with Spiro again.
Can't.
Look where that got me.
Months of snivelling.
I know, but apart from missing him, we're all really tired of having to walk everywhere.
I am working hard and I'm not thinking about Spiro.
Don't mention him again.
BANG You know, Les and I both have emotional scars.
He's obviously healing his by reverting to his more basic self.
BANG I saw Daphne in town with her baby.
Oh, poor Les.
BANG Yes! You effing beauty! Not that he was ready to be a father.
Gerry Here.
It's all right, I'll go in and polish the exciting new gong.
Here.
Now, she followed me.
Followed you home, yes, yes.
Oh, he's gorgeous! He's a barn owl.
Roger can't get over the fact that he can swivel his head all the way around.
Stop talking, please! I need to write.
Well, do it in your room.
Impossible.
The girls are up there snoring and farting.
It's a dancer thing.
They love to express themselves with their bodies.
You won't let him get in the way of any of the guests, will you? The guest.
England's worst solicitor.
So bad that he's been sent on holiday.
There'll be more.
Well, they better be animal lovers.
Because I'm going ahead with my plan for a proper zoo here.
A complete animal experience with a breeding programme, wildlife in area enclosures and is now a mascot.
Ulysses the owl.
Who embodies the wisdom of the animal kingdom.
Theo, where do you stand on nipped in waist dresses? It's a massive issue.
I need to read up about it before I comment.
Life's moving on.
I feel I need new challenge.
SIGHS Be very careful what you say.
Who did your dreadful hair? Oh, I like its boldness.
I didn't want bold.
I wanted soft and attractive.
Who did it? Mrs Lekhas.
I think she was trained by clowns.
The others are even worse.
That's a worrying face.
Can I have a few days off? GREEK GREETING Customer? Welcome! I hope you don't mind stairs.
Now, this is newly appointed and rather swish.
I like to be by the sea.
How long are you thinking of residing? Perhaps a week? I will pay you now.
Oh, you're not going to haggle? Are you sure you're Greek? In return, I am writing a book so I need to be left in peace, please.
Oh, of course.
My son, Lawrence, is a novelist.
Ah.
Don't read his books.
He's become very smutty.
All rather awkward.
And yet, you are very proud? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Nobody wants a child who is like them.
That is like giving more bread to the baker.
I think we are going to get on.
GIRLS GIGGLING LAWRENCE: My turn! My turn! Ignore that giggling.
That's him with one of his girlfriends.
And ignore any animal noises, or gunfire.
How blessed you are.
Two writers in the house.
Three, if you count animal boy's scribblings.
Mr Vangelatos is rather more modest than you about it.
Yeah, and I bet he doesn't claim that each of his so-called books reinvents the wheel.
If you think all wheels are the same, I'm gonna make you a car out of a bike, a tractor, a go-cart and a Ferris wheel.
Perfect.
And I'll drive it over your face.
Thank you.
You could both do with some of Mr Vang's generosity of heart.
Why are you home early? I found my vocation.
I'm setting up a hair and beauty salon.
Argh, please stick to something that exercises your mind.
Most men already think of women as brain-dead.
Let me set you right about female emancipation, Larry.
I'm off! It's about the right to choose.
Not the right to stick at a boring job her brother thinks she should do.
- Finally! - Lunch is served.
DOOR KNOCK Hello.
Well, don't let me interrupt your writing if it's flowing.
No, it's not writing day.
Yes People don't realise we authors aren't typists, we're penseurs.
I think you're more of a penseur than me.
So, just fill you in on us Durrells, father died when we were young so mother has wells of resource but she's always relied on us, me, to sure her up.
Families are monstrous, of course.
No doubt Bruegel was inspired by Christmas with his relatives.
Do you write about your family? No.
I should, really.
But they don't deserve it.
Maybe Gerry will.
He's kinder than me.
What do you write about? GULPS The people.
Right What people? Er I don't want to talk about writing.
Hah.
Ha.
What do you think? My beauty boudoir.
I'm prepared to give you free introductory fashion advice or a haircut.
Mother does my hair.
Yes, and look at it.
I take my lead from the animal kingdom.
Clearly.
All right, fashion I can make you a nice bowtie by cannibalising some old knickers.
Les! No, don't trust you.
So, do you own this house? Yes, of course we do.
Gosh.
Oh, no, I mean this house? Oh, yes.
And a castle in Tuscany.
No.
We usually have to pawn something to pay the rent.
So, hide your cuff links.
Am I not to be joined by my co-tenant? No, he likes to eat in his room.
Simply and without fuss.
Portions befitting a single human being.
Rather than a barbershop quartet.
Now, do you see the mistake you've made there? I did mention that I gag on tomatoes.
Someone offer to help! Squeeze three oranges and a kumquat into a glass, put it on the tray in the kitchen and then take it upstairs to Mr Vangelatos.
And don't roll your eyes at me! Mr Vangelatos isn't a writer, you know.
What? You sure? He's lying.
And, he's jumpy.
Nonsense.
Speaking as a solicitor emeritus, one has seen these types before.
Vagabond thieves moving from house to house Shush! And his name, Lazarus Vangelatos.
Reeks of contrivance.
Well, I'm a trained policeman so I'll cunningly get the truth out of him.
In terms of me, I'm rather saddened by my laundry.
Could it be crisper? Excuse me, quick visit to the lav.
One meal in, one out.
SPEAKS IN GREEK SPEAKS IN GREEK Hmm DOOR KNOCK LESLIE SPEAKS IN GREEK Supper for one? Thank you.
So What's your game? What are you up to, really, staying here? Hmm? I am just trying to make my way in this unjust world.
As you are.
Well, yes, I am.
I'm sorry if I seem awkward.
You have the gift of confidence.
Thanks.
But actually, no, not really.
I'm horribly misunderstood by my family.
That's very sad.
I'm like my father was, a man of action.
And now you're considered stupid if you like simple, honest things like physical work.
And guns.
I nearly became a father.
With Daphne.
She's so beautiful.
She carried what I thought was my baby for six months.
But it was another chap's.
Oh, um are you all right? The question is, are you? Embrace change.
It is painful but necessary.
The future is yours.
You are such a good listener.
CHUCKLES Leslie! Spiro.
Thanks for recommending The Durrell Guesthouse to Mr Vangelatos.
He hid his face a bit under his hat.
I hope he's not peculiar.
No, we love him.
OLD MAN SPEAKS IN GREEK Is he talking to us? He's being rude about you because you're not Greek.
Wasn't shouting, was I? Sorry, Spiro.
Hello.
Hello.
Do you always carry a hat stand now? No, I just bought it for the house.
Nice.
I haven't seen you in a while.
No, I was in Athens with my grandmother, getting help with the baby.
Ah, yes.
I hear it's quite a shock no matter how prepared you are.
Yes.
I left my father with her for ten minutes, he's white with fear.
It is no fun.
You are the lucky one.
Yes, aren't I? I uh I built my family a new lavatory.
Well done.
I have dreams it's our baby and we're together in a little house.
Any plans for the weekend? Yes.
Um, sitting in my room.
That's boring.
Join us downstairs.
Beards are very demode.
Why don't I shave yours off? Oh, no! I am sorry, no.
I need it.
They're all desperately wondering what you're doing here.
But as a beauty professional, I pass no judgements.
I made a mistake.
Let it all out.
What kind of mistake? A big one.
I'm sure it's not as bad as all that.
No, it is bad.
But maybe I will do it again.
Differently.
Or not.
Hard to say.
Well, it's always important to forgive oneself.
Would you like a manicure? You have done ghastly things to my hair, haven't you? Yep.
Louisa Durrell! Oh, Superintendent.
And is it super to see me? AWKWARD GIGGLES We agreed to have a drink, remember? You know, I don't think that was me.
Yes, it was.
When your son Leslie was in the police force.
Ah, well, sadly, I'm too busy now running our guesthouse.
If you have a hotel, I must visit to make sure everything is in order.
It is.
But do send one of your men over if you don't trust me.
I will.
And I will come myself.
Yes, you do that.
I hear you do not see your crooked taxi driver any more? CHATTER IN THE DINING ROOM KNOCK ON DOOR - Ah, the clever one.
- Theo! Hello! Margo? I've come for my haircut.
Ooh Is that not a good idea? What? Yes.
You have no experience.
And how else will I ever get any? I don't mind the few rough edges.
You made it downstairs.
Oh, God.
Did Margo do your hair? Yes.
Margo, I'm cancelling.
Oh! OWL SCREECHES Oh, it's the ruddy owl.
Eurgh! That is Regurgitated mouse, anyone? And owls are supposed to be clever? Owl wisdom is profounder than humans'.
But if it's cheap tricks you're after, I can arrange that.
Come on.
OWL SCREECHES Come on.
Many gentlemen.
One mule.
Did Margo do that to your hair? Yes.
Well, let that be a lesson to us all.
Before you attempt to flee, do you want to tell them or shall I? Theo, you're being peculiar.
You'll get a sympathetic hearing here.
What's going on? He's on a wanted poster in the police station.
Attempted murder.
I didn't try to kill anyone! But it's true, I wanted to hurt him badly.
I hate violence of any kind but I asked my friends in Athens who know and they say it was a political act targeting a brutal fascist.
He put friends in prison.
I meant to shoot him in the leg, to show anger, but he bent down to tie his shoelace and by mistake a shot him in the This part.
It's the loin.
Private parts.
Testes.
We hate Greece's drift towards fascism.
The Nazis are polluting Europe, country by country.
And Greece is next! Radical solutions are required! We must join together! Oh, spare me the waterworks.
You shot a man and now you descend on us with some jumped up idealism and endanger my family.
Well, how dare you! Now, hang on a minute No.
No, I have slaved away to get this place on its feet and now we'll be shut down and hated for harbouring a murderer.
It wasn't murder.
And he won't get a fair trial.
I don't care.
I want you to leave.
By tomorrow.
Look, I like him too but we shouldn't be hiding ruthless revolutionaries.
You're such a copper.
And you're such an arsehole.
If he's found, he'll be incarcerated.
Ugh, that's horrible.
Are you thinking of castrated? Sorry, yes.
Imprisoned for life or worse.
As a family, we support the underdog.
You would be saying that if he shot Mahatma Gandhi in the bollocks.
What's your problem? I think you know what it is.
CREAKING LAUGHTER Well you wanted them crisp.
I shall be making a deduction from next week's rent for client mockery.
It was an accident.
I got the starch wrong.
I tried the shirt on, I looked like a Cubist painting.
Moving on to something less contentious Good vocabulary.
Thank you.
I've been drawing up some plans for the new zoo and ah TURKEY GOBBLES Nice barnet.
LAUGHS What have you done to him? Improved his look.
No, you haven't.
Yes, she has.
She has, actually.
Well, I'm inspired by Mr Vangelatos.
He pursued his passion and so am I.
I agree.
We should all be revolutionaries.
Revolutionaries I'll settle for a home without stupid animals.
Shoo! TURKEY GOBBLES I know this seems harsh, but No, I understand.
So, where will you go? I must find a boat and escape abroad.
I'm sorry.
But to be honest, I'm fighting battles and I couldn't face another one.
I will be honest, only to you.
You're right, I am a terrible revolutionary.
I did it all for love.
Oh.
I fell in love with a communist.
I wanted to win her over by shooting the man who put her father in prison.
That's so romantic.
Sort of.
No She said it was an example of bourgeois sentimentality.
I'm sorry, I I cry easily when I think of who I love.
And can never have.
Me too.
Till I learnt to stop.
Look at you.
You won't get to the bottom of the garden, let alone abroad.
No, really, I'm as cunning as a fox.
Good luck, son.
Viva la revolution.
Don't try anything in Dorset.
He's staying.
Oh.
Until we can engineer an escape.
You are so kind.
You can lie low with us for a while.
None of us will blow your cover.
What have you done? I told the police superintendent that we were taking in guests.
He's insisting on searching the premises with his men.
When? Any time.
LARRY GROANS We need a plan.
We must get you away.
Erimitis Cove is secluded.
That's the best place to drop a boat and pick up Mr Vangelatos.
No, what's his real name? The less we know, the better.
Isn't that the kind of thing one says? I'm bored! Can somebody else watch out for the police now? Oh, well done! Very discreet! I'll get you a megaphone so even the deaf people in the neighbourhood can hear you! Why don't we get him off the island on the ferry, disguised as a monk? Too risky.
The police know he's in Corfu and what he looks like.
Washerwoman? I'm not good this, am I? We need a boat.
Coffee in the northern gazebo.
Oh, make your own.
You know, I've got better things to do than flap around after you.
There's a fugitive upstairs! Um We wouldn't have needed to take in guests, fugitive or normal, if you hadn't buggered up Auntie's legacy like the great idle walrus you are! I may be a walrus but I am a paying walrus.
Spiro! I have a favour to ask.
Come into my office.
I need a good boat with a motor.
Why? To take a friend of ours away from Greece.
Basil? You want to drown him? No.
Well, yes, but no.
A Greek friend.
What's his name? I can't say it.
How do you spell it? No, I can pronounce it, I don't want to say it.
It's a so-called Communist fugitive.
He's staying with us.
Your Mr Vangelatos? Shush! The wanted guy? Yes.
He's a good man.
He needs to get to the nearest safe country.
OK.
I'm so sorry about you and Mother.
Not as sorry as I am.
But she's safe, well and wonderful? Yes.
She is.
MARGO SPEAKS IN GREEK Hello! Beauty, haircutting.
Hi, hi.
Very cheap.
I have my own scissors.
And I trim pets' hair rather well.
Have a think and come back here tomorrow to book an appointment.
LADIES RESPOND IN GREEK GONG Argh! Ah, Super! Mr Durrell.
What brings you to our house? I would like to visit the new guesthouse.
To make sure everything is in order.
Everyone, the superintendent and two nice policeman are going to check that everything's in order! Lots of people are snoozing.
Superintendent! Leslie.
Can I ask you one thing? Um, out here, because it's, it's personal.
What? Can I have my old job back? No.
But I'm a natural policeman.
I hate injustice, love a uniform SIGHS Ah! Superintendent.
What a joy.
You must sit and have tea and cake.
All of you.
I know how much you bobbies love your pastries.
Only me.
My men will examine the house.
Go.
I'm excited to be in your quarters.
I need to see your search warrant.
You can't come up.
My girlfriend's naked.
She's ferocious.
Australian.
And will scream so I'd, I'd give her a moment.
We can do this.
- Make sure it's tight.
- Yes, yes.
OK, come on Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There we are, we did it.
GRUNTS Bugger.
Oh You are a pretty lady.
Oh.
I'm a handsome man.
We should be lovely together.
Oh, yes.
You sleep alone, that is a waste.
Well, not really, you see, I thrash about in bed.
I thought so.
Oh, no, not in that way! No, I've just POLICEMEN ENTERING Hello, ah, the police.
Let me show you my owl.
Ulysses.
Isn't he magnificent? Take your time, give him a stroke.
OWL COUGHS Eurgh.
The wise owl has gobbled the pretty mouse.
If I wanted to be gobbled, it wouldn't be by you.
And Spiro is not crooked, he's painfully honourable.
I will inspect the house.
We have information you are hiding a communist desperado.
Grab the rope! GRUNTS GRUNTS Ah - I'm not going up! - Mum, what do we do now? Hi.
GIRL: You're not allowed here.
POLICEMEN TALKING IN GREEK Scuse me! Wait! GERRY: You can't go up there! Go back and fold those things nicely.
You have no warrant! SUSPENSEFUL GREEK STRINGS POLICEMEN SPEAK IN GREEK Oh, my God No! Wait! No, no, no! We meet again, Superintendent.
LARRY: No, no, no! We need to get something to help Get what? Be careful SUPERINTENDENT SPEAKS IN GREEK Careful, that's it! Argh! Hold tight! That's it, nearly there! Can't watch.
LESLIE: I've got it, I've got it.
I know what's happened, I heard you shouting about a Communist desperado.
Guilty, that'll be me! Yep.
Who'd have thought? Like a lot of posh Brits, I toyed with Marxism.
Before realising it was tosh.
That's it.
So proud.
Well done.
Move.
LESLIE: Quick! So, we'll wait here and hope that Spiro's found a boat.
Emilia went back to her old lover.
He's a better revolutionary than me.
Aw I shot a man, that is so bad.
Nah Love makes us do crazy things.
The sweet madness.
So this man, Spiro, is your lover? No.
His wife would have to die first.
Do you want me to do anything about it? Don't joke! Anyway, you'd only miss.
You know I used to confide in Spiro in a way I can't even with Larry, or anyone.
So I feel adrift.
The guesthouse was supposed to give me purpose.
And we all need purpose, don't we? Keep your family safe and well, overthrow a government.
Change the world with a novel.
Love animals.
You're a terribly good listener.
Oh, yes, I've been told.
Spiro is such a lovely man.
But we can't be together.
Why? I know he wants to be with me.
He should be rescuing me as well as you.
Thank you.
You must talk to him again, for your own sanity.
And then who knows? Be kinder to yourself.
It's the classic cleft stick.
How do you fight the authoritarian state? Brutally, then you're playing their game.
I hope they haven't fallen off the cliff.
Passively, well, then you're a de facto supporter and an apologist.
Too many words.
The more I think about it, the closer Vangelatos and I are.
My novels are bullets bringing down the forces of literary oppression.
That's balls! Are they really? But books are actually important! So I've recced and I don't think we're being watched.
Larry, find Spiro, see what's happening with that boat.
So I said, I may be a solicitor but if you prick us, do we not bleed? Basil, Lugaretzia, dancers.
If the police arrive, tell them we have gone on a picnic.
You don't know where.
What shall I do? Put the owl down.
Oh, no, don't do that! No, put the owl down.
Right, with you.
We'll go to the cove in case something's gone wrong.
Leslie is like handsome general.
I've not been included again, have I? Do you ever feel like you have outgrown your family? There they are.
We brought food and water.
Here, you'll need these for your journey.
Not, not now.
Look! Where? I can't see it.
Kestrel.
Just above the headland.
But, there is something Come on Ah, just in time to say goodbye.
Spiro, what can I say? Nothing.
I think he's on his way to Malta.
Spiro Sell it! You'll need money to survive.
The owner owes me favour.
Goodbye.
This is a sad moment.
You bloody liar.
I brought you a fascinating book to read on your journey.
It's about even-toed ungulates.
Thank you! What a treat! Don't get them muddled up with the odd-toed ungulates.
Shut up, Gerry, my turn.
It's very old but you might need it.
No.
I am a pacifist now.
That's a bit of an overreaction.
If there is war, we'll have to get used to these sorts of ordeals.
Crisscrossing the Mediterranean to search for safety.
Please come to the house in an hour.
UPLIFTING MUSIC Bye! It's too sad being strangers.
I know.
Can we stop? Yes, please.
Goodbye! Goodbye! How did it go? Beautifully.
Mr Vangelatos is on his way to safety.
As sole guest, you have my full attention, Basil.
Well, in fact, I realise I've been a goon and a swine so I we wanted to thank you.
For putting up with us.
Ta-da! Well, I'm touched.
Ah, not you! Just your mummy.
Now, I know some of you have your doubts about Ulysses' intelligence and suitability as a mascot of my zoo, given his history of vomiting.
But, prepare to be disabused.
Ooh, good vocabulary.
Thank you.
Come on, boy.
Yeah OWL SCREECHES Ulysses, come on Hup! Ulysses hup! Ta-da! Hmm Margo, where were you? Don't worry about me.
I've been planning my life.
Did Vang make it? Yes, he's headed for Malta.
Oh, thank God.
As I wasn't there to wish him well, I did this for him.
Come on, sweetheart.
LAUGHTER SHEEP BAAS BASIL: Good Lord.
I made the hair dye myself.
Red for revolution, white for peace.
Never mind that revolution crap, those are the colours of good old St George.
Don't gang up.
We love Margo.
Sorry, darling.
Have a bun.
You can't fob me off this time.
I'm opening a salon in Corfu Town.
My life's about to begin.
No, Margo, you can't make big announcements.
Why not? Because I am.
I'm moving out.
Spiro's going to drive me up to Kalami.
What? No! Why, where? It's up the coast, it's paradise, nothing to do but write.
Despite what you may think, I take my art seriously.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'll write letters, brilliant letters.
Oh, look, Spiro.
Back the way it used to be.
Margo's gone! We must search the island.
There's a mad colonel staying with us and he's paying Leslie to take him to kill wild boar.
So we're going to stop them.
Good.
I will come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow? You've got a woman, haven't you? You have a wife you want to keep and me here waiting for you just in case.
Cuddle an animal today! GONG BANG