The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

Captain Underpants and the Vexing Villiany of the Vile Vimpire

1 [light music] [both laughing] [triumphant music] -[George] Two butts! [laughs] -[Harold] No, he should have three.
[George] Infinity butts! Or he should be one giant butt made entirely out of dynamite.
[George] And he burps fire, so he never has to light a match.
But he also has a blowtorch.
Just in case.
-[laughing] -Genius.
[male narrator] This is George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
George is the kid on the left with the tie and the flattop.
Harold is the one on the right with the T-shirt and the bad haircut.
Remember that, now.
This is the night that George and Harold created Captain Underpants and the Blistering Blasts of the Booming Buttpocalypse! by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
And then Hein-o-mite-- that's his name 'cause he's a heinie and he's dynamite-- poops a stick of dynamite and throws it at Captain Underpants, and it explodes.
And he crashes into, uh a tree, and it explodes, sending him flying into a condor! [Harold] That explodes! That's not cool.
We can't explode a bird.
Right, uh, a dump truck that explodes! Sending him flying into a luxury pillow-top mattress factory! [Harold] That explodes! [chuckles] Man, this is gonna be A masterpiece! We've out-awesomed ourselves.
[both] New handshake! [grunting] Huh.
Doesn't it go hand, elbow, arm, knees, toes, and then screaming? [both laughing] So George and Harold make comic books -[George] We're cool! -[Harold] Me too! But they had a mean old principal Who told them what to Blah, blah, blah, blah! So they got a Hypno-Ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants! [Captain Underpants] Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Not the brightest man And don't forget, when he gets wet You're back where you began Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now, this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! - By George Beard and Harold Hutchins -[Captain Underpants] Tra-la-la! [upbeat music] [narrator] It was George and Harold's finest hour.
-Another masterpiece in the can.
-Nobody does it better.
Bat wings again.
[bats screeching] -Hey, guys.
-Hey, Erica.
-What'd ya think? -What was your favorite part? The explosions in the beginning or the end or the middle? Well, let's start with the positive.
The Fart-mada invasion.
And when Hein-o-mite sacrifices himself for the good of all butt-kind, I cried.
But I do have one small suggestion.
Girls don't like it.
-Is that a suggestion? -What are you talking about? The girls loved it! -[girl shrieks] -[growls] Ugh! It's making me bored and angry at the same time.
Is "borngry" a word? I'm "borngry"! -Huh.
That's not good.
But it's nothing a strong female character can't fix.
What about Hein-o-mite's girlfriend, Screamerella? [shrieking] Maybe.
If she did something besides scream.
She could be a lawyer and scream.
It happens.
Harold, she had to drop out of high school to scream about the Barfborg invasion! Oh, right.
Forgot about the backstory.
All your girl characters just cry, shop, and brush pony hair.
How about a girl with dimension? You mean, like, "Dimensionerella"? -Eh.
Not great.
-Plus, how do you draw that? Yeah no.
Let's try this again.
Erica Wang-- editor in chief of the Jerome Horwitz Examiner, lead soprano of the Science Singers, former president of the Future Presidents Club.
Such a beautiful brain of oatmeal.
Almost as beautiful as mine.
Our brains belong together.
Two brains of oatmeal thinking as one.
Look, we know what kids like-- big messy action.
Food fight! [man] Food fight! Remember the à la mode! [laughter] I hate food fights Erica and I, a hive mind of love.
[laughter] See? We know what kids like.
We're dialed in.
Maestro-- Whoa! This is your fault, even if it isn't! You boys are coming with-- Oh! [boy] Got ya! Stop throwing wieners! Aah! What is keeping it up there, tape? Silence! [gasps] There's two! It's a matching set! Mr.
Meaner tells me there's nothing you boys hate more than exercise.
So we're going for a run.
Don't worry, pal.
Krupp gets winded burping.
[burps, sighs, groans] Oof.
[grunting] Yeah.
Come on.
[groans, panting] [grunting, straining] [sighs] Oh.
[burps] "All hail conformity"? Eh "Cool fart mall.
" [both laugh] What are you doing? Thought you wouldn't see us during the flashback.
[muffled yelling] True, I started the food fight, but only 'cause of what Erica said.
She can suck the joy out of anything.
So, technically, she started the fight, except without touching food, so-- Enough! Boys, I dislike you with every fiber of my being.
But I'll help you, because the last thing I need in my school is you upsetting girls! [crash, object clatters] Then they'll come to me and I can't have that because they baffle me.
See? What is that supposed to mean? -Uh, "hello.
" -Maybe, maybe not! No one knows! We know.
It's definitely "hello.
" [groans] Here's a pamphlet that may help.
Understanding Women: A Pamphlet Men Will Never Read.
-Is this good? -Never read it.
But it might help you boys fix things with Erica.
And you better, because if any girls come to me [gasps] I'm taking you down with me.
[narrator] Melvin had it so bad for Erica's brain, he couldn't get her brain out of his brain.
Can you pass the scalpel, my cerebral sweetheart? Shall we begin the dissection, my intellectual amore? Nothing would please me more.
Start with the ventral nerve cord? Ooh, how about the subpharyngeal ganglion? That's why I adore you.
And I, you.
Brain nuzzle! [grunting softly] Uh, that's the class skeleton.
I know.
Skeleton [Erica laughs] [Melvin gasps] Erica! These videos are hilarious.
[chuckles] You're the best, Gooch.
Aha! The key to her heart: funny videos.
[grunts] [muttering] Intentional! How are we supposed to make things good with Erica and the girls? Well, we just write a rad comic.
Like, with robot T-rexes, knife people and leave out the ponies.
-[whinnies] -No ponies? [pensive music] [buzzer sounding] Hey, what if we just put in a strong girl character? -Didn't Erica say that? -I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
Let's make it about Erica! -Yes! We'll make her the star of the comic, and we'll give her special Erica powers.
[both grunting] [narrator] Captain Underpants and the Sinister Frights of Scarica Fang! by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
[comic narrator] So once there was this strong female character named Scarica Chang.
She was a real know-it-all who sucked the joy out of everything.
She was all, "You're so wrong," and, "Tomatoes are fruit," and, "You eat too much cheese and stuff.
" Then one time, this bat flew into the school, and she goes, "You don't fly right.
" And the bat's like, "Oh, yeah? 'Cause I'm a talking bat.
" But he got all sad, and then he bit her.
He had melancholy bat venom! And it turned her into a vimpire, which is like a vampire, but it sucks "vim," aka "joy," instead of blood! I know, new word! She says, "I'm Scarica Fang.
I'm so sad, and I vant to suck your joy.
" So she flew all around school biting funny bones and sucking joy.
"Ow! My joy is gone.
" She got bigger and stronger, and she busted out of the school.
Just then, Captain Underpants was leaving the Underground Underwearhouse.
"Kids! I got underwear down there and an albino gator.
" But the kids were crying and stuff, and Scarica says, "I took their joy, and I will take yours!" And he says, "Nuh-uh! Stop it or else!" And she says, "Or else nothing," and attacks.
Captain Underpants didn't want to drop all his new underwear.
"It's all clean and fresh!" So he threw the albino gator at her.
But it just stuck to her head.
"Your albino gator is useless against me!" "Okay," he says.
So he gave in and threw all his new underwear at her ninja-style.
Foop-foop-foop-foop! She looked like an underwear snowman, and the kids thought it was so funny, they loled like crazy.
Captain Underpants was getting their joy back! There was so much laughing that she laughed, too! "Stop.
Ha ha ha.
My joy tank is filling, ha ha ha, too fast!" And she got so big and so round, the kids could jump on her like a bouncy house all day! See, it all works out.
The end.
[screams] -[kids growling] -[narrator] Not well.
[Harold] This is a disaster.
Don't get me wrong, it's bad, but I don't think we crossed the line.
You crossed the line, man.
Crossed the line.
Making fun of Erica was not cool.
-[growls] -Oh, no.
She's gonna kill us.
Run! [grunting] Erica, you're not mad about the comic, right? -I don't get mad.
-I get even.
-[gasps] -Just kidding.
-[sighs in relief] -Or am I? -[both gasp] Nah, I'm kidding.
Keep up the good work, boys.
-[both chuckle nervously] -[growls] -[both gasp] -[chuckles] -[both chuckle nervously] -[growls] -[both whimper] -[all laugh] -[both chuckle nervously] -[growls] -[both whimper] -[laughing] Mm-hmm.
[dramatic music] [narrator] That was a real emotional roller coaster.
I know smiles.
She loves it.
Oh, yeah, you took that online class.
-[man] Congratulations, you know smiles! -Ha! [narrator] Since Erica called Gooch the best when he showed her funny videos, Melvin built the Blisskrieg 2000 to blast his favorite funny videos into Erica's brain.
That way, Erica would think Melvin was the best.
After I indiscriminately carpet-bomb her brain with comedy, Erica and I will perform experiments side by side for eternity.
[gasps] Or longer.
[narrator] Hopefully this will not affect the rest of the episode.
I cannot wait to affect the rest of the episode! [laughing maniacally] [laughing maniacally] Now, a lot of people think dolphins can smile, but they can't.
[Erica screams] What happened? Nothing.
I'm fine.
So why'd she scream? A bat swooped down and bit her, right on the elbow.
Elbow Ugh.
Lunch bats.
Yeah, I miss chicken.
But this lunch bat was different.
-Was it wearing a suit? -No.
It was crying! Crying [eerie organ music] Where did that sound come from? [organ music continues] Hey, kid! Come back here with that plot device! We are in deep trouble now.
Erica's a vimpire.
She's not a vimpire! We made vimpires up, remember? Harold, don't you see? I was wrong.
She hated the comic.
And now she's pranking us to get even.
I'll prove it.
O-M-Yeah! This is my 14th bat wing, and I don't even like them.
You're doing a great job, Sophie One.
Other Sophie, your new "harcut" is so bad, it's "harlarious"! [laughing] [narrator] Melvin was nervous about pointing an untested experimental weapon at his potential soul mate, Erica.
[Jessica laughs] Oh, Other Sophie! [narrator] So he pointed it at Jessica.
Jessica! How would you like to be part of scientific history? Will it give my "har" more bounce and/or shine? Highly unlikely.
[Jessica] Aah! [groans] Hmm, unfortunate, but a necessary sacrifice for love.
Jessica? Jessica? [growls] I'm not Jessica Gordon anymore! I'm Messica Gorgon! And I want to suck your joy! [screams] [narrator] So what went wrong? Turns out Melvin's sense of humor is atrocious, so he uploaded these "funny" videos.
[laughing] Cellular mitosis! Hilarious! [laughs] Misaligned nuclear cooling rods! Ah, classic! [laughs] Nature's punch line! Rot! [laughs] [narrator] Those disturbing videos made Jessica very sad.
That, combined with the bat wing she was eating, turned her into a real vimpire [hisses] [narrator] with an unquenchable thirst for joy.
[gasps] Ugh! What did you do to my [roaring] "har"? [narrator] And her hair was a disaster.
That's the boys' locker room! No normal girl would ever go in there! There's so many farts, she'd never survive! She's gonna go after that kid! Harold, she's not a vimpire! Watch! [chomps] -[hisses] -[both scream] Harold, she's a vimpire! -Yes! I was right! Also -[hisses] run! [both panting] Dude! Don't run into those tennis balls! [grunting] Nice.
[Erica snarling] [breathlessly] Please, don't take our happiness! We're too young to be sad! I was planning to be happy until I was 30 or so! -[hisses] -[whimpering] [chuckles] Oh, man! I got you guys so good.
That was an amazing prank.
What prank? She's a vimpire.
She has fangs! Yeah, in her hand.
They're plastic.
You did get us guys so good.
So, just to be clear, vimpires are not real, right? Of course not.
Vimpires are absolutely, positively not real.
Run! Vimpires are real! And it's my fault! He's right! I am real! And it is his fault! Huh.
What are the odds? [eerie organ music] Hey! Still too soon, kid! Lot of show to go! Now might be a good time to get you-know-who to do you-know-what.
Whatever it is, I'm in, so do not tell me to stay here.
Erica, stay here.
We got this.
I'll be right here when you need me to bail you out, boneheads.
Where is he? [tires squeal] Oh, no.
He's got earbuds in! He can't hear! [man] How to make children miserable.
Chapter 5: "Itchy Sweaters.
" [grunting] If we can't get his attention, we're doomed! [grunts] [wheels squeaking] -[gasps] -[both] Aah! -Aah! -[objects clattering] Well, that was convenient.
[narrator] Yes, it was.
Hey, who-- Tra-la-la! [narrator] Picnic over.
Captain Underpants! You got to stop the vimpire! Of course I do! Tra-la-la! Just you and me again, Tiny.
[growling] [pan flute plays] You need to lay off those elbows! -[hisses] -And get to a salon.
Zing! [hisses] Hello.
I'm Doctor Will Boryew, a generic doctor.
The following scenes are so violent, we must present them as a bland pamphlet to keep your brain from melting.
Also, I'm not a real doctor.
You see, Captain Underpants thought George had shouted "vampire" instead of "vimpire," so his approach was misguided.
Stink Again.
Garlic was an ineffective treatment.
Oh, No, Silver.
Likewise, silver did not resolve the issue.
Big Misteak.
That wasn't even the right kind of stake.
Diagnosis, failure.
-[hisses] -Aah! Oh, no.
-[chomps] -Aah! Not my Funny bone! [cries] I'm mad sad, yo! Crying Kick! [grunts] Was that supposed to hurt? You kick like a baby.
Don't judge me.
I'm also fighting my emotions! [cries] Unhappy Uppercut! I never had a puppy! [cries] Seriously, your weak punches are making me sad.
Tear Gas.
[flatulence] You crossed the line, man.
Crossed the line.
Why is everyone against me? I'm just a man in underpants! [all crying] We can't win! We won when we met! Since we're never gonna be happy again [sniffles] I want you to know that was the happiest day of my life! Not as happy as every day I got to spend with you! [cries] Oh, no! What is happening? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be fighting Messica! Okay.
I'll go fight that lady.
But I won't like it! [crying] -[screams] -[chomps, hisses] [crying] [hisses] [grunts, crying] [grunting] [crying] [hisses] Ow! [screams] [crying] Ooh! [crying] Pouty Punch! [grunts, cries] I started going bald in my teens! [crying and grunting] [screaming] [hisses] [crying] Weeping Wallop! [cries] [grunts] [cries] [blows nose] Good thing preshrunk cotton is so absorbent.
[laughs, hisses] George, I know what we need-- help from a strong female character! We've never tried it before, but it just might work.
[both] Erica! [keys clacking] Erica! Uh, listen.
We, well, kind of Hey.
[clacking stops] -You need my help, don't you? -Well, "need" is kind of strong.
-Yes! Please! -We're so sorry! Help us fix this mess! Do you mean fix this Messica? -So good.
-Why didn't we think of that? 'Cause we're too sad to be [sniveling] funny! [both crying] Okay, okay.
Let's go find Melvin.
He started this! [both crying] -Melvin's not in here.
-But he's always in here.
I think I might know where he is.
I'm not hiding.
I'm doing internal snake research.
-Ugh! -Uh And then I blasted her with these hilarious videos.
These videos? Of rotting food? I know! There must be something wrong with her brain.
This is can't-miss comedy! You were gonna blast me with this? -Yes.
-Well, that's it.
We just have to reverse what Melvin did.
Blast her with videos that are actually funny.
Yes! I know the perfect videos.
-[narrator] Bread Attacks! -[laughs] [Harold] Yes, more Bread Attack videos! [George] A guy just runs out and chucks bread! [Harold] So good! [laughs] Well, it's funnier than rotting fruit.
Man, I hope Captain Underpants is okay.
[cries] And to top it off, everybody forgot my birthday! [sobbing] Ugh! Stop crying so we can fight! [Captain Underpants continues sobbing] I can't get a clean shot! Captain Underpants, move! But I've never felt truly loved! We love you.
Now get lost! [cries] Thank you.
That helps, but not enough.
I need to journal about this.
Laugh this off, joy toilet! [grunts] No! My brain is full of Bread Attack videos! [laughs] I'm so over those! How can you be over bread videos? [grunts] See? [chuckles] Hilarious! Not to her.
We got to figure out what she thinks is funny.
[laughs] Your "har" is jacked! Bad-hair videos! [narrator] It worked.
I had no idea there were so many great bad-"har" videos out there.
Sophie One, let's go watch all of them.
[chuckles] Other Sophie, go make us popcorn without touching it.
[laughing] [laughing] [crying] -[laughing] -Bread Attack strikes again.
That's everybody.
This all gave me a great idea for a new comic.
[crying] [narrator] A tear is basically water, which then turned Captain Underpants back into Mr.
Hey! Who keeps stealing my pants? Huh? [grunts] [grunts] [laughs] -[Harold] What do you think? -Perfect! Now we need a name.
[Erica] "Plungerina.
" -Yes! -Awesome! So good.
And the hug is over.
Let me ask you, why did you come to me for help? Well, Mr.
Krupp gave us this pamphlet.
Understanding Women: A Pamphlet Men Will Never Read.
And it helped? -Haven't read it.
The truth is -You were right.
So you want to help us make Plungerina and the Painful Pounding of the Picky Poopasaurus? Yeah, we'll be an awesome team! Yeah no.
Comics aren't really my thing.
But this I'm taking.
I'm out.
So based on everything we've learned in this episode about girls, what would a lady superhero do? Punch stuff until it explodes? Genius.
[both grunting] -[Harold laughs] -[George] We got it!