The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

Captain Underpants and the Jarring Jerkiness of the Judge J.O.R.T.S.

1 [both giggling] [grunting, punches landing] [narrator] This is George and Harold.
George is on the right with the plunger on his head.
Harold is the one on the left with a CD belt buckle.
Remember that now.
So what's with all the hubbub? It's just Captain Underpants punching his own lights out.
Keep punching! Aah! [narrator] You might wonder why George and Harold want Captain Underpants to beat himself silly.
But before we can tell you that story, we have to tell you this story.
Every teacher we get is meaner than the last because we let it happen.
[narrator] For example, kindergarten teacher Miss Take or former gym teacher Mr.
Roids or first-grade teacher Miss Align.
But this time, we're not gonna wait.
We're gonna get the new Spanish teacher before he gets us.
Preemptive prank.
Prank first, ask questions later, let Krupp sort it out.
Are you sure we're on the right planet? This doesn't look like anything I've seen-- What is that? What? What is it? -Gabba-gabba, just go.
-Okay, okay.
OMG! That thing was so scary.
Did you see its head? So big! Who knows how many weapons are hiding in there? Hey, did you leave the trunk open? Who cares? Just go.
[narrator] Why are you seeing a strange robe falling out of a spaceship and landing in a tree across from a pet store? There's probably a good reason.
I dunno.
No one tells me anything.
So George and Harold make comic books -[George] We're cool! -[Harold] Me too! But they had a mean old principal Who told them what to Blah, blah, blah, blah! So they got a Hypno-Ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants! [Captain Underpants] Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Not the brightest man And don't forget, when he gets wet You're back where you began Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now, this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! - By George Beard and Harold Hutchins -[Captain Underpants] Tra-la-la! [laughs] So good.
[giggling] [teacher] Ah! Oh! [laughter] Hola, students.
Mi nombre is Señor Citizen.
Please don't mind my jorts.
I have a skin condition.
[Harold] Here we go! [mischievous orchestral music] [both laughing] [yells] [crying] -Huh? -Uh Yeah, what he said.
Aah! [crying] I am such a failure in life! [cries] -Okay, now I feel really guilty.
My real name isn't even Señor Citizen.
It's plain old Mr.
Jerry Citizen.
I was stupid to think I could teach! I only got this job because your principal will hire anyone to be a teacher.
Anyone! Okay, and you-- All right, you went to the Okay, so it says here you're a toddler.
[babbles] Hmm.
Can you speak? 'Cause you might need to speak to teach fifth grade.
[laughs] I like your energy! You're hired! And I don't even speak Spanish! I should just go lay down and never get up again.
[cries] [Melvin] Unacceptable! I need to be fluent in six languages to get into Eliteanati Academy, you walking disappointment! [grunts] Aah! Nice call on the backup prank.
I came here to prank and chew gum, and we're not allowed to chew gum.
[device beeps] We're really sorry.
We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Anything we can do to cheer you up? [cries] Um, well an Alaskan cruise with my mom.
-[ship horn blows] -[Harold] Uh Or, uh, I like comic books.
[George gasps, energetic orchestral music] [narrator] George and Harold had never met a grown-up who liked comics, let alone a teacher.
-There's hope for the guy after all.
-Bet if we make a comic for him, we'll totally stop feeling bad about what we did.
[door opens, creaking] Hey! Just checking in on the new teacher.
What's that? Did I get a new haircut? Oh.
[laughs] Yes, I did.
Thank you for noticing.
[laughs] No, I d--it just happened.
I'm sorry.
What's that? You think it brings out my eyes? Is that what I heard? I heard somebody very distinctly say that.
Oh, great.
-No, I ha-- I hadn't noticed.
[chuckles] -[narrator clears throat] Anyway -Comic? -Yeah, let's do it.
by George and Harold.
[comic narrator] So Captain Underpants was always saving the day from bad stuff, but he got tired of fighting bad stuff all alone, and he wanted a sidekick.
Luckily, a new hero moved to town.
"I'm Judge J.
!" And he was all, "The 'J.
' stands for justice, order, righteousness, tenacity, shorts.
Also, I wear jorts.
Know anybody who needs a super sidekick?" Captain Underpants was all like, "Do I???" Like, with three question marks, 'cause he did.
It was a big deal, which is good, 'cause there was a new, very annoying bad guy in town.
"Hi, I'm the Whimpering Whiner!" He whined so loud, it made buildings blow up.
So he whined, "I'm tired! I need a power adapter for my European hair dryer! Wah!" He blew up all the buildings everywhere.
Crackle! Blige! Blooge! Crr And the President was all, "Oh, no, my precious buildings and stuff!" Booge.
So Captain Underpants flinged underwears at the Whimpering Whiner.
Fling! Fling! But he dodged them and whined extra-high whines that knocked Captain Underpants out.
And it's true, 'cause Captain Underpants was all, "Oh, no, I'm so knocked out!" So Judge J.
had to save the day.
Luckily, he was as smart as he was handsome and strong, and not at all, like, a failure in life or Spanish.
So he whipped up a giant robe shield that bounced all the whiny whines back at the Whimpering Whiner.
Bounce, whine, whine.
Bounce, whine.
Then while Melvin-- er, I mean the Whimpering Whiner was dodging his own whines, Judge J.
pulled out his giant gavel of justice and conked the Whimpering Whiner with an energy whack, and was all, "Order in the jorts.
" Whack! And Judge J.
saved the day.
Then everyone was happy forever, 'cause Judge J.
was so awesome and handsome and smart.
Okay, the end.
[laughing] I love this so much! Well, looks like Operation: Feel Good is All done.
Another successful mission.
[Jerry] George and Harold, you're geniuses.
Now I know why I've always been a failure! -You do? -[Jerry] Yeah! It's 'cause I've been avoiding my true calling-- superhero! -[glass breaks, object clatters] -Yeah.
That's not the takeaway at all.
And, I mean, you don't have superpowers.
[gasps] Superpowers! Yes! Of course! Great idea! I'll go get superpowers! [laughs] Ow! Ooh! [laughing and groaning] Well, that feels like it might come back to bite us.
True, but more importantly, he's gone.
No-teacher party! [dance music] "Smelly meat farts win money!" -[both laugh] -So good.
George and Harold won't get away with their slanderous prose.
No one makes Melvin Sneedly look ridiculous! Karaoke Kitty, let us do the victory dance.
[various music playing] [energetic drum music] [narrator] Meanwhile, Jerry was running all over Piqua, looking for a way to get superpowers.
Ah! Oh.
[sighs] Hey, do you guys sell pets? Wait.
Hey, you guys sell pets, right? Uh, I'm required to say "yes.
" [gasps] Good.
Do you sell radioactive pets? Because I need one to bite me so I can get superpowers! Uh, we're sold out.
No! [crying] No.
Why? Why? Why? [cries] Well, I guess that's it for me.
[cries] Whoa.
Is that a superhero cape, maybe left here by aliens that gives whoever wears it superpowers? [gasps] Oh.
Just a dumb robe.
Well, I guess I'll go back to having a nervous breakdown.
[wails, crying] [grunting] Huh? Whoa.
Oh! [narrator] Most robes are harmless.
This one gives somebody superpowers.
Whoa! It is a superhero cape that was left here by aliens that gives whoever wears it superpowers! [dance music] -[crash] -[Jerry] Aah! Hello.
[grunts] Mm.
[George] Is that our Spanish teacher? I am Judge J.
! Justice, order, righteousness, tenacity, shorts! -Um -Yeah, what he said.
Guys, look! I found this cool robe, and it gave me powers! Powers? I'm a real superhero, just like in your comic! [whoops] [hollers] Every single thing I do from here on out will be entirely because of you two.
[both] Uh Well, I'm off.
And when people thank me for saving them, I'm gonna tell them to thank you instead.
That guy is just gonna destroy the whole town! We got to stick close and watch him.
But in some unnecessary and fun way.
[comic narrator] "But he got tired of fighting bad stuff all alone, and he wanted a sidekick.
" Yes! Hey, Jerry.
How would you like a couple of sidekicks? [yells] I've never wanted anything more.
Ha ha! George and Harold want that fool to succeed, so I must do everything in my power to sabotage him! First, I got to figure out how that robe works.
[eerie tone, door creaks] [clears throat] Oh, howdy, everyone.
Having a class? [laughs] What's that? I heard-- I heard somebody ask-- something different about my hair? Oh, uh, I don't know.
[laughs] My hair.
[heroic music] Yeah, we should've taken a little more time on our sidekick outfits.
Or we should just be honest and tell Jerry he's not cut out to be a superhero.
No way, man! Do you want to start feeling guilty again? Where'd Jerry go, anyway? -[people screaming] -Just follow the screams.
-Aah! -[car horn honks] [grunting] [gasps] Teamwork! Ha ha! [people screaming] [grunts] Aah! Oh! [dark music] -[Jerry] Aah! -[alarm bell ringing] Be sort of calm, citizens! Judge J.
is here to, uh, save the, uh-- save the day.
[upbeat music] [whimpers] [distant groaning] Well, that could've gone better.
[cries] Why? [sobbing] Man, I can't do anything right.
[groans] [sighs] I'm done being a hero.
[narrator] For one brief, shining moment, the boys felt incredible relief.
But first, I want to thank you boys.
If it wasn't for you, I never would have followed my dreams so I could learn, once and for all, that I am the only human being alive who doesn't deserve dreams! Why? [cries] Why? [crying] [tragic orchestral music] [narrator] Jerry was a real sad sack.
-Not helping.
-[narrator] Just saying.
[chirps] [flatulence] [sighs] I deserve that.
[chirping] [honks] Bring it.
If we don't cheer him up, we're gonna feel guilty for the rest of our lives, and then some.
-Still feel guilty? -Yep.
Still feel guilty? Yep.
-[George] We still feel guilty.
-[Harold] Me too.
But if we cheer him up and he thinks he's a superhero again, Piqua might not survive.
[narrator] There seemed to be no good solution for our pals George and Harold.
[grunts uncertainly] Aw.
[laughing] Man, those birds came to poop.
[honks] [Jerry] Look, a jorts signal! This city needs me after all! What? A jorts signal? How? Ha ha! Judge J.
is back in session! -Why not? -Whoa, wait! [narrator] Did Piqua really want Judge J.
to save it? [heroic music] Ah! Glad my Jorts-Signal 2000 caught your eye, as Piqua is in danger.
Behold! [Jerry] What, the tree? [Melvin] No, the pipe.
-[Jerry] That bird? -[Melvin] No! The pipe dumping the toxic waste.
It's the biggest thing down there! [Jerry] Oh, I got to go stop that.
[robe growls] [narrator] "Why is toxic waste pouring into the river by school, and how did Melvin know?" is what you're wondering.
I dunno.
No one tells me anything.
Thanks for the heads-up, unsettling kid on the roof of the school at night by himself! Jorts.
Ah! Hey, is he saving the day for real? Jerry, you're doing it! You're superhero-ing! H-hey! Hey! What's happening? [narrator] Good question.
Let's ask aliens.
-Hey, did you leave the trunk open? -Who cares? Just go.
We got robes back there.
If one fell out and bonded with the DNA of a human-- I know that! Let's get out of here before this smelly planet is totally destroyed.
Go! [grunting] Ow! Oh! This thing has completely Ow! dominated me! Ow! -[grunting] -Hey, why'd you do that? I didn't.
My body's moving on its own.
Help me! Ow! Oh! Ow! -Ow! Oh! -[man] What the-- -[blow lands] -[Jerry] Why? Uh, I feel like it might be time for Captain Underpants.
Good call.
[door opens, creaks] Aah! [Harold] Aw, man.
What are you doing in here? Let me guess.
Stopping by to tell me how amazing my hair looks? [laughs] Oh, stop.
-Um -Yeah, what he said.
[snaps fingers] [laughs] Tra-la-la! Hey, what's shakin', bacons? Ah! [cries] It made me punch a beehive! Ow! Ow! Why, bees? We have a problem.
Well, then I'm that problem's problem! [narrator] Chapter seven: The incredibly graphic violence chapter, presented in hero-rama.
We usually make things less violent.
Some of you wanted a darker, grittier Captain Underpants.
[brooding music] What gives me the right to take justice into my own hands? [dramatic music] -[grunts] -We did it! Did what? [growls] Ow! Why? Why? Did you see? It needs to attach to someone.
Okay, we got to knock that thing off of Jerry and trap-- Hello, powerless humans! I'm here to ensure your friend will never be the hero you want him to be, thanks to my Wrathrobe 2000! [laughs] Uh, Melvin, why are you wearing your mom's bathrobe? [narrator] A good reason.
By splicing the DNA of this mystery robe with my mother's chenille robe I can make my own super-robe! Karaoke Kitty, let's rock.
[energetic drum music] Melvin, take off that robe before it's too late! Ha! You simple-twins can't trick me! [all grunt] [narrator] Little did Melvin know, mixing an alien robe with a mom robe speeds up how fast the robe takes over its host, so "too late" was coming in three, two No big deal.
I'm in control! [grunts] I'm still in control! [screams] [coughs] I-it's possible I may be losing control.
Captain Underpants, quick, punch Melvin out of that thing! What? Is that really the best way to get me out of the robe? [robe growls] [Melvin sniffs] [romantic music] The robe.
It wants to be whole again.
What the heck is happening? [dramatic music] This is an unprecedented robe event! I'm in uncharted folds here.
[ominous dramatic music] [growls] Whoa! That can't be good.
Captain Underpants, think you can knock that thing off Melvin? -[Underpants] Does a horse ribbit? -Ribbit.
-A frog ribbits.
-[Captain Underpants] My mistake.
Also, I can't see.
We've crossed the robe-icon! [Captain Underpants] Here, kitty! Here, kitty! Ooh.
Here, kitty! Ooh! Here, kitty! Kit-- [grunts] Hey, hey! I can see-- Ow! [dramatic music] [grunts] He might need some help this time.
Ha ha! Help? That's a job for Judge J.
even though I lost my powers.
[narrator] George and Harold were done feeling guilty about Jerry.
You know what, Jerry? Uh, you can help by not helping.
Yeah, you're a nice guy, and one day you're gonna find your thing.
But being a hero? Not it.
[crying] [narrator] But then they felt guilty again.
Pick a lane, guys.
[sighs] Jerry, wait up! [Jerry] No! Why? Whoa! [grunting goofily] [suspenseful music] [Jerry] Whoa! [grunts] [roars] [grunts] -[growls] -[Captain Underpants grunting] The robe's making me fight myself! What now? He's the only one strong enough to punch that robe off.
Maybe that toxic waste can help us.
Captain Underpants, super-punch yourself towards the river really, really hard.
Ha! Okeydokey! Ow! [narrator] And we're back where we started.
Keep punching! Oh, hang on to that.
It's my chewing tooth! [grunting] [groaning] [sighs] It's finally over.
[dramatic music] [squealing] Wha-- what happened? -You saved the day, that's what! -He did? Really? How? So, er, first, you were like, uh, "Stop doing bad stuff, evil weird thing.
" And it was all, "I'm so evil, I'll never stop doing bad stuff.
" So you kicked it so hard in the butt that its butt flew off.
[Jerry] That thing had a butt? [George] Uh, I think all things have butts.
[Harold] Yeah, when its butt flew off, the robe was like, "Life's too short.
I'm done.
" [George] And you saved the day so good that the mayor bought you lunch.
[Harold] And five ladies fell in love with you.
[George] 10! But they took off 'cause they work, is why they're not here.
[Jerry] Oh.
I actually saved the day.
Yep, and if I were you, I'd go out on a high note.
Retire now.
Right, that's the last bad thing that'll ever happen in Piqua.
Is what the mayor said at lunch, so it must be true.
Well, if the mayor said so, I guess I can retire.
And, you know, frankly, I'm relieved.
From now on, I'm gonna aim low and leave the hero stuff to someone more qualified.
Oh, yeah, like a guy with volcano powers! Oh, no! I'm drowning! I got to save me! Ah! Agh! -It burns! -[sizzling] [gasps] One, two, three? That's too many ears.
Aah! That's too many ears! Aah! What's that? Did I hear somebody say-- Yes, I did get my hair recently-- No! Where's my hair? Aah! [Melvin] This isn't over! You're all going to suffer, starting with-- [grunts, sobs] [narrator] And then it was over almost.
[tranquil music] [narrator] Why are you seeing this? Well, you'll probably find out in a future episode.
Or not.
Seriously, they don't tell me anything.