The Ex-PM (2015) s01e02 Episode Script


Well, does Bill Clinton
have a statue in his library?
No, no, no, no, I've seen your father's,
and he's only got a
fountain and it's outside.
It's not in the middle
of the reading room.
Yeah, well, I think if people wander in
and they see an enormous
marble version of you,
they're gonna think you've
built more a monument to yourself
than a presidential library.
Me? No. No, no.
Ex-Australian prime ministers
don't tend to have libraries
built in their honour.
I think it's something to do
with the general distrust we have
of anyone over here who can read.
Yeah, well, listen,
hey, what about this?
Put the statue outside
near the hedge maze
and then you can be on
the horse like you wanted.
Yeah. Good, yes, thank you.
Well, lovely talking,
yes. Love to Laura.
Yeah, and best of luck to Jeb.
OK, then. Bye-bye.
You wouldn't catch George
Bush repairing a window.
No, well, he's probably got a
wilier business manager than I have.
You know, one that doesn't get
caught when he commits tax fraud.
George comes from money. That's
how he can afford a library.
It's not just about money, though.
Ex-presidents get treated
with far more respect
than ex-prime ministers.
They still get called 'Mr President'
when they're out of office.
You should hear some of
the things I get called.
You shouldn't listen to what
people shout when they drive past.
No, this is kids! You know the
O'Dare twins from down the street?
I was walking past there this
morning on my way to buy
- What's this stuff?
- Wood putty.
Wood putty.
And they were playing
under the sprinkler,
and I said to them -
politely, I thought -
that wasting water like
that was irresponsible
and this is the driest
continent on Earth,
and they said if I was so
concerned about the environment,
I should have signed the UN
convention when I had the chance.
They can't be more than
five or six! I blame the ABC.
You should have destroyed that
place when you had the chance.
Well, we've all tried, you
hack away at the bloody thing
and it keeps coming back at you
like some sort of crazed zombie,
and I'm not just talking
about Barrie Cassidy.
all of this rubbish and shit.
Yes, indeed, Rita, it is a glorious day.
I mean, I didn't mind the Chaser boys.
Yes, they were annoying,
but at the end of the day,
it was just harmless satire.
No-one's duco got ruined by egg.
Mmm, I miss them too.
Nearly scraped it all
off, Mr Dugdale, sir.
Keep up the good work, Curtis.
You want to come and help me fix
the chimney? The pot's come away.
Ah, I did want to talk
to you about the girl.
Ah, yes. Has she gone
through that box yet?
She has, but I think she suspects
we might have forced it upon her
in order to create a falsely
human impression of you.
She says she wants to go through
the political stuff in your office.
You see, this is where a presidential
library would come in handy.
It's off-site storage that
doesn't cost me anything,
most of the stuff's archived, so
no-one actually ever gets to see it.
Paul Keating talked his
Bankstown high school into it.
Maybe get Henry to ring
around my old alma maters,
see if there's any interest.
Didn't you take out a
restraining order on her?
- That was Alma Cavendish.
- Oh.
And also check with Myles to make
sure he's keeping an eye on the girl,
see who she's talking to.
Actually, tell the entire staff to
watch what they say in front of her.
Andrew, they're not idiots.
- I'll call a meeting.
- Yeah.
Oh, do you want me to
look after Catherine?
No, I'll have a talk to the family
as soon as I'm done with the chimney.
Yes, well, you know what they
say about men over 50 and ladders.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is the you you
should be showing her:
the can-do, working
family man of the people.
- Yeah?
- You did a great job with the window.
And I saved myself 300
on a professional glazier.
What the fuck?
Mummy, have you seen my plane?
Shh, not now, sweetie. Mummy's eating.
Boss wants me to check you're
keeping an eye on Ellen.
Jeez! You know, you should
never sneak up on me like that.
I could have snapped
your neck like a twig.
- Is that Stefan's plane?
- Affirmative.
I'm retooling it into a
drone, reconnaissance only.
I'm glad to hear it!
I don't think Stefan will
be, though, or his mother.
I think it was rather expensive.
I commandeered it on the
implied orders of Mr D.
This will give me complete access
to the airspace above
the Dugdale compound.
24/7 bird's-eye view of
all Dugdales all the time.
Next best thing to a spy satellite,
and much more comfortable than
the old Ned Kelly unit over there.
Mrs D says if I want to get
covered in rotten vegetables,
I can just stand on stage with the
boss during one of his speeches.
Yes, well, when he told
you to keep an eye on Ellen,
I don't think he was giving
you black ops authorisation.
It's cool. This is all
within my existing remit.
If the drone looks
after the outside half
as well as this new system
here scopes out the inside,
there won't be much going on
around here that I don't know about.
See, there's Carol
now, upstairs bathroom.
Just turned the taps on in the showers.
What do you call this
system: the Norman Bates unit?
She's wearing a towel. Oh!
Definition on these new
monitors is fantastic.
Stefan's up in his cupboard. Seems
like he's searching for something.
Well, you should send his
plane up to help him look.
Sunnyside: east wing corridor.
Oh, it's what the Secret Service
used to call Ethel Kennedy.
Oh. Nice touch.
And there's our girl now.
I wonder what she's up to.
- Oh, morning, Andrew.
- Ah! What are you up to?
Well, I wouldn't mind following you
around for the next couple of days.
Nothing too intrusive, just
so I can get inside your brain.
Well, it sounds intrusive,
being inside my brain.
Throw me a bone here, Andrew.
If I'm writing your autobiography,
I need it to be in your voice.
- It needs to be authentic.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I would have thought
you'd get an idea of my voice
from watching the television,
rather than actually
having to inhabit my skull,
but, um alright.
Well, speak to Sonny
and he'll let you know what I'm
doing, speaking engagement-wise.
Well, I noticed on the fridge
it's Grandparents Day at
Stefan's school tomorrow.
Yes? Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Well, I really wanted
to tag along on that one.
I think it'd be interesting
to hear you explain
what it's like to be prime minister
in obviously very simple terms.
Might give me one key to the many
locks that comprise Andrew Dugdale.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, that's a nice idea.
Yes, indeed! Yes.
Well, you speak to Sonny and he'll
make all the necessary arrangements.
Ta muchly. Oh, and do
you know where Cath is?
I wouldn't mind interviewing
her this morning.
- Cath?
- Mrs Dugdale.
Oh, yes, sorry! Of course, Cath.
Um, yeah, well, I think she's
probably down having breakfast.
- Rita's made congee.
- Yummo!
- Mmm!
- I thought Rita was Vietnamese.
Well, I make waffles occasionally.
Does that make me Hungarian?
I guess not.
- Hello, darling!
- Oh, hello, darling.
I see these idiots are
watering down your tax reform.
Are they? Oh. Damn them.
Look, I've just got a favour to ask.
Ellen might want to speak
to you about the book today
and she may ask about our private life.
- What do you mean 'private life'?
- Well, exactly.
And I don't think it's
in either of our interests
if people get the impression
that we're not you know.
I'm not sleeping with you, Andrew,
just so you can put it in your memoirs.
No, I don't want you to do anything
that you're uncomfortable with.
I just want you to lie to her.
So, power couple, I'm your
rock, that sort of thing.
Of course, darling. Anything for you.
Right, thank you.
You can take the whole lot if you like.
No, no, no, it's OK.
I'm not very hungry.
I had a persimmon off the tree.
No, silly, I mean take it
down to the kitchen for me.
Those stairs are murder on my hip.
Oh, absolutely. Yes,
sure. Happy to do it.
Oh, one more thing before I go.
Do you know anything about a
Grandparents Day at the boy's school?
Yes, I do. Stefan's
asked me to go along.
I have to give a little
talk about what I do.
And what would that be, do
you think, generally speaking?
I have plenty to talk about, Andrew.
All my charity work, organising
fundraisers and dinners.
Oh! We also serve, who
stand to one side, you know.
Yes, I know you're
very, very busy, darling,
but it's just that I thought,
well, given I was prime minister
Stefan's only eight, darling.
I don't think he really understands
what a prime minister is.
Carol says that to him,
you're just the grandpa
that gets angry when he
watches the television.
I guess she means the news.
Yes, although to be fair
I also get very angry
watching Millionaire Hot Seat.
Well, at least he
didn't ask Grandpa Jojo.
Well, he has got Alzheimer's.
Mind you, banging on for an hour
about flying to Neptune
and wetting your pants
is more interesting
than a lot of other jobs.
I'll be interesting.
I'm sure YOU'LL be interesting,
yes. Yes, yes, yes, very interesting.
And at least he's keeping
it in the family, isn't he?
- Well, I'm going now. Bye-bye.
- Mmm.
- These aren't mine, are they?
- No, they're Sonny's.
I had them dry-cleaned.
They were filthy.
You couldn't give them to him if
you see him, could you, darling?
No, happy to do it, darling.
I'm on my way. Bye-bye.
Tuesday morning he's a guest
at the HR Nicholls Society,
Tuesday afternoon he's at
the Australia Institute,
and Tuesday evening he's
on a plane to your home town
for a spot of after-dinner
speaking at the America Club.
Of course, he'll have to have
his own dinner on the flight.
Why so many speaking engagements?
- Can't need the money.
Look at this place.
The only thing missing is the
Sun King motif on the wall there.
He doesn't need the money.
You wanna know why he does 'em?
And no, it's not because he
loves the sound of his own voice.
There's another reason as well?
He does them so he can
give part, if not all,
of his fee to one of his charities.
It's always been very important
to Andrew to give back.
Right, and which
charities does he support?
Ah, yeah, well, his accountant
would have all that information.
I'm just his business
manager, aren't I, Sonny?
Ah! Sonny, I need to win over
my grandson. What's he like?
You mean what IS he like
or what DOES he like?
Either. I almost had
her there for a moment.
They turned out to be yours.
Oh, I was wondering
what happened to them.
Rita spilled sticky
rice wine all down them
at that morning tea of
Catherine's last week.
Morning, Ellen.
Bugger to get out,
that, sticky rice wine.
Hey, you're young! What
sort of things do you like?
- How do you mean?
- Well, you know, for a present.
Um, a pink Saffiano fold-away purse.
That sounds expensive.
He needs a new remote-control plane.
Much better suggestion than a
purse. What a ridiculous idea!
Well, what would I know? I haven't
been an eight-year-old boy in years.
Sonny, could you get Curtis
to bring the car round, please?
- Where is Stefan?
- He's in his cupboard.
- Can I come?
- Yes. Yes, that's a very good idea.
This is real slice-of-life stuff.
This is a grandfather sharing a
precious moment with his grandson.
You grab him out the cupboard,
I'll meet you downstairs.
Ah, Curtis. Front door, car, you, now.
Sonny, get onto the charlatan that
masquerades as my business manager
and get him to offer
my presidential library
to the school that Stefan goes to.
It's in the local electorate.
They probably got a whiteboard or
something in the stimulus package.
Embarrass them into it.
They'll have to pick it
up themselves, though,
'cause I'm not springing for
haulage and it's gotta be tomorrow.
Well, you can tell him yourself,
'cause he's right there.
Oh, Henry. Um, hi. Did you get all that?
Yes, I did, yes. Thank you, Andrew.
Charlatan, archive boxes
to grandchild's school,
they cover transport, ribbon
cutting ceremony tomorrow.
- What time?
- What time was Catherine booked for?
11:30. What do you
mean 'WAS booked for'?
Did you get that, Henry?
Catherine's out, I'm in.
Oh, and get Myles to bring
down those boxes from upstairs.
Righto, 11:30 it is. Do
you want the press there?
- It never happened
- If it's not on the news.
Bye, Henry.
You can't do that to Catherine.
She'll be terribly upset to think
her own husband had stabbed
her in the back like that.
I mean, it's not a leadership challenge.
You're absolutely right,
Sonny. Get Henry back.
Tell him to get the
school to contact Catherine
and make as if it's their idea.
Keep my name out of this. I'm gonna
need plausible denial on this one.
Why so long to bring the car
round?! Was it unconscious?
Sorry, Mr Dugdale, sir. I
had to put the wheels back on.
Where to today?
Hobby's Hobbitorium, corner
of Flanders and Swine.
Mr D! Sonny told me you wanted
me to take down some boxes.
Yeah, take down as in bring them
down from upstairs, not shoot them.
And when I say 'upstairs',
I mean upstairs,
not that level in Call
Of Duty: Black Ops.
Roger that.
The primary school should be
picking them up later this afternoon.
Oh, wait! Which boxes?
I used to look after Alexander
Downer before the accident.
And what accident was that?
Well, Mr Downer and some of his friends
were out hunting roos on his property
and he accidentally shot me.
Nothing serious, fortunately.
Anyway, I had a metal plate
inserted into my skull,
and because of the migraines
and the blurred vision,
I was put on light
duties driving Mr Dugdale.
He was a very junior backbencher then
and he lost his licence due
to a drink-driving conviction.
Lovely man! And long story
short I been with him ever since.
Anything you want,
boy. Anything you want.
- Hello.
- It is you, isn't it?
Well, that depends.
My wife and I voted for you,
Mr Dugdale, in every election.
You always went into bat
for the small businessman,
and there are not many
politicians you can say that about.
Well, thank you! That is
very gratifying to hear.
My wife and I set up this shop
under your small business
start-up initiative.
It was our big chance
for us to work together,
doing something that we both loved.
Great! Good! Could you just hold
that thought? This is good stuff.
Of course, we didn't really
choose the right location
and interest rates
have been crippling us,
and of course, that new lot rolled back
all the tax concessions
that you promised.
Yeah, yeah, could you just
go back to the beginning?
I wish I could.
If I had my time over again,
I wouldn't have sunk all
our super into this place
and maybe my wife wouldn't have left me,
but I don't blame you for
that, of course, Mr Dugdale.
As my ex-wife always used to say,
'Politicians are all the same!
You can't trust any of them!'
- No offence.
- No, no, none taken.
I mean, it's in your nature, isn't it?
Did you wanna see me about something?
Yes, yes, I just wanted to show
you this wonderful old shop.
It'd be a bit more wonderful
if we could turn a profit
in the economic climate
his lot created, eh?
Oh, is this what you want, boy?
Excellent, excellent!
Oh, nice choice, nice choice.
Actually, there isn't a
cheaper one around, is there?
What's the problem,
Grandpa? Don't you love me?
No! Of course I love you,
boy! What, are you crazy?
No, I mean, really, would he ask me
to go speak at his
school on Grandparents Day
if I didn't love him?
That's right, isn't it? Eh?
Yeah, well, what price love, eh?
If you'd have come back next week
to our closing down sale, of course,
all this would have
been heavily discounted.
Oh, I don't suppose
I could pay in advance
and get it for next
week's sale price, could I?
No, you can't.
Thank you. There you go!
Thank you.
I don't know why I'm
letting it get to me so much.
The school just changed
its mind, that's all.
Mrs D, if I had a dollar for every
time the school changed its mind
about me moving up a grade, I'd have 4.
- Go away.
- All clear here anyway, Mrs D.
Just about to do a check
of the northern perimeter
and then head on up
to the old watchtower.
The watchtower that's in my sunroom?
Shh. Not in front of civilians, Mrs D.
You understand what it's
like, don't you, Rita?
To feel unloved and unappreciated.
You there, glazier!
Fancy some of my banh xeo?
Oh, no, thanks, Mrs Dugdale.
I've gotta get this done.
Oh, come on. There's plenty.
Well, maybe one.
Mmm. Quite an appetite.
Oh, cool! Every boy's
dream, one of those.
Oh! That's funny.
I thought Stefan already had
a remote-controlled plane.
Do you mind if I have a go?
- Knock yourself out.
- Cool.
Chocks away.
Hello, children.
I don't imagine many
of your grandparents
have been prime minister.
- Is this you?
- Hmm?
'D' Division netball 1972.
Yes, yes, yes. A supporter
of women's sport even then.
I didn't know you went to this
school. It's not in your CV.
It was only for a year.
Dad moved around a lot.
- In the army.
- No, he had worms.
Why are you wearing makeup?
I was the mascot. They
made me up as a tiger.
- Was your father away a lot?
- Ellen, I have to study my notes!
The stimulus package for this place
didn't extend to teleprompters.
You were the one moving around a lot.
Nothing worse than a politician
giving an ill-prepared, halting speech
where he's floundering
and grasping for words.
Explains a lot, that's all.
Tony Abbott's the exception.
It's charming when he does it.
Absent father, mother's
the authority figure.
No long-standing early friendships.
You got your honours degree
in journalism, didn't you?
- Not psychoanalysis.
- Oh, you checked up on me, did you?
Well, if you know the
enemy and you know yourself,
you need never fear the
result of 100 battles.
Oh, Sun Tzu, Art Of War.
No, Bartlett's Popular Quotations.
Sonny looked it up for me.
I'm thinking of closing
with it this afternoon.
What does Bartlett say
about the unexamined life
not being worth living?
Look, I wouldn't worry
too much about the child.
Stick to the man, Ellen.
If I wanted to be reduced
to a Jungian archetype,
I would have got Bob
Ellis to write the book.
Are you wearing a skirt here?
- Just stick to the facts.
- I would if you'd give me any.
Andrew. Ah!
- Principal Felicia Brooks.
- Ah, Principal Brooks.
I'm so sorry to keep you
waiting, ex-Prime Minister.
The Federal Government's
commitment to Gonski
means we now have half as many
teachers and we're all doubling up.
Not with laughter, I imagine.
Oh, and congratulations to
your archivers, Ms Brooks.
Very impressive,
being able to assemble the prime
ministerial library so quickly,
although I appreciate that not
everything can be on display.
Well, it was only the one box.
Are we ready?
- Absolutely! Yes, yes, yes.
- How do I look?
- Never better.
Could do with some tiger makeup.
You got flecks of foam in
the corner of your mouth.
Thank you very much.
Everybody, hello.
- Remind me to sack Myles.
- I'll make a note of it.
What was that?!
Oh, we got a bogey at
11:45. Time to scramble.
And so, in this country, anyway,
a prime minister is a
man, or briefly, a woman,
who, like your own Ms Brooks here,
is in charge of how things work and
who does what job and when and how.
The only difference is Ms
Brooks has been appointed
by the State Education Department
and not as a result of some
vicious political dogfight.
What's a dogfight?
Shouldn't you be finishing that glazing?
It's all done, Mrs Dugdale. Just
waiting for the wood putty to set.
Oh, get out.
What the fuck?!
Are you trying to kill me?!
Carol, you're in shock. Now, the
best thing for that is an ice bath.
Get off me! Oh, no, she's convulsing.
She's convulsing! Rita, get
a spoon! Rita, get a spoon!
Mum! He's doing it again!
Shh, shh, shh! You need
body warmth to calm you down.
'Well, Edward was
really enjoying the day
till he overheard someone
behind the fence say,
'The seals are always
amusing, it's true,
but the lions are the best
things to see at the zoo.'
What's happened?
' anybody can tell, so tomorrow
I'll just be a lion as well.'
The next morning at nine,
when they opened the zoo,
the lions were roaring
and Edward was too.
He snarled at the ladies,
he growled at the men.
Life was certainly grim.
Look, lady, I don't give a
shit who your husband was.
You can't expect the warranty
to cover something like this.
- But you were flying the plane.
- Yeah, with your permission.
Yeah, it was on your authority,
Mrs D. It was your mission
Oh, shut up, Myles, and
just land the fucking thing!
No can do, Mrs D.
She's taken a hit on the starboard
wing and is non-responsive -
- I repeat, non-responsive!
- For Christ's sake, give it to me!
He curls up casually around of a tree.
Well, Edward was just warming up
overheard one of the visitors say,
'The snakes are pleasant,
I know it's true.
The emus by far are the
best thing at the zoo.'
'The emu,' gasped Edward.
'My goodness, that's me.
I'm the thing that
gentleman most likes to see.
Not the seals, not the
lions, not the snakes '
'It's Edward the Emu.'
So, that night when the
zookeeper went home
Well, Ms Brooks, class,
I'm afraid I have to go.
Small crisis.
Stefan, lovely spending
some quality time with you.
Curtis will drive you home.
Curtis, you're on.
Alright, kids, what do you wanna know?
I've never gotten up and spoken
in front of an audience
before in my life,
and I wasn't sure I'd be any good,
but those three hours
just seemed to fly by.
I had a great time.
I think the kids did too.
I wasn't able to debrief
with them after my lecture
because the principal
said I had to leave.
I said, 'I have to
debrief the children, '
and she's like, 'What?'
And I'm like, 'They need to
be debriefed immediately.'
And she says, 'No, you have to leave
the school property immediately.'
What did you talk about?
Mainly the plate in my head.
They all wanted to see it.
You should have heard the
squeals when I showed it to them.
Here we go.
Yeah! Pretty good, eh?
I don't think Mr Dugdale
would mind me saying
that as far as young
children are concerned,
he has a very similar attitude
to the late Michael Jackson.
They are our future.
- I've called the police!
- Yeah, we'd better go.
- Come on, we better go.
- What?
We gotta go, go, go, go, go, go!
You know, it's pointless
rebuilding this thing
'cause you can't use chimneys
these days 'cause of global warming.
Just 'cause something's
past its use-by date,
doesn't mean it can't
have a decorative function.
You mind if I get a picture
of you next to it for the book?
Sure, sure. You can caption
it 'The Freedom Chimney'.
Very tasteful.
Yeah, yeah, although that'd
make this roof ground zero
and I don't think you can call
a roof ground zero, can you?
Uh, I don't know about 9/11 jokes.
- What, too soon?
- Might hurt American sales.
Well, I don't want to
hurt sales, do I? Oh!
Must have hit the non-metal side.
Lots of colourful tools on the wall.
Oh, you like those, do you?
Yeah, they're my beauties.
Did you wanna see some of them?
This here I thought was just a
blowtorch. I bought that on eBay.
I still don't actually realise
what the function of it is.
This here is a is a file,
and you know, you can use it
for several different things,
but I generally just
have really bad nails.
I usually just keep them up to date,
but you can shiv.
I like to craft a lot, so
I've got them for cardboard.
Well, Mum gave me that from
her pottery class, so
And so in your professional opinion,
how violent is the world we live in?
Oh, you have no idea,
Helen. No idea whatsoever.
- Ellen.
- I think I'll take Mr D's word on it.
The world can be quite
dangerous, you know?
I mean, I've seen some
pretty bad stuff, growing up,
and that's sort of what
got me into this role.
So, you grew up on the streets?
No, Perth.
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