The Ex-PM (2015) s02e01 Episode Script


1 ANNOUNCER: Empty field days.
Three big days in your ag future.
September 20, 21, 22.
REPORTER: The missing ballot papers from the knife-edge election in the seat of Murray-Darling Downs have been found in the possession of divisional returning officer John Pomphrey.
The AEC described the discovery of 4,000 uncounted ballots in his Toowoomba home as the worst case of electoral malfeasance since the last time.
A by-election will be held in six weeks, and given the knife-edge outcome of the federal election, the major parties are expected to pour huge resources into a campaign that will be watched Now, if you want help with the campaign, we could always use someone to hand out leaflets.
What the hell is that? You should try one.
Can I have another one of these, please, for my friend Keith? Another grapefruit and prosecco mimosa coming straight up.
No, I'm not going to be here long enough to drink it.
- What do you want? - And no, thank you, anyway.
Look, can't an old friend simply meet with another in order to wish him well? It's not every day that a man with a career like yours behind him decides to give it all away for the sake of his health.
On the plus side, I suppose Belinda and the kids will be relieved.
There's nothing wrong with my health! I've seen the X-rays.
I've got to admit, I was surprised.
Where did you get these? I know a radiographer.
And let me guess who they've got running.
Hmm! Might see some money from this after all.
Probably here for Grant Denyer.
No time for chitchat, people.
The more of these I sign, the less they can return to the publisher when they don't sell.
- Here's some more caffeine.
- Thank you.
I've been telling him he should do one of those audiobooks.
He's got such a lovely speaking voice.
Oh, yeah, my mum listens to audiobooks all the time while she's driving the truck.
- She's not even blind.
- Well, listening is the new reading.
Reading, schmeading, as long as those idiots out there buy them.
Oh, poop.
I wrote "idiot".
Send it to Alan Jones, give him something to talk about.
Oh, he'll be talking about you, but it won't just be because of your book.
Ellen should be doing this.
You wrote it.
Really love the typeface, Ellen.
Trebuchet, it's really crisp on my Kobo.
Thank you, Myles.
Digital books are great-you don't have to autograph them.
Do you want to know why Alan Jones will be talking about you? As my late wife used to say, an open book is like an open mind.
The answer is there, but until you get to the end, there is the tantalising pleasure of endless possibility.
Oh, poop.
I wrote "dead wife".
Well, speaking of endless possibilities, they want you to run again.
"They" as in who? What are you talking about? Both factions think you're the man for the job.
The by-election? Where is it again? Murray-Darling Downs.
It's still Rudd country, heartland Australia.
Ellen made you out to be relatable and caring and principled.
They've done the polling.
- What about Pasquale? - Um, health problems.
Preselection guaranteed.
Ah, so, that's what Henry was up to.
Well, you're eligible, you've got the property up there.
The little farm Henry made you purchase in Catherine's name for your investment portfolio.
No, if they want me back, it's got to be a blue-chip seat, not some marginal backwater.
It's a foot back in the door, Andrew.
And if you win, you could very well hold the balance of power.
- Within the party, I meant.
- Think of the revenge.
What does she mean "if" I win? And you wouldn't have to do anything, Andrew.
Survey says name recognition alone will get you in.
The book will do the heavy lifting.
The reviews, they were glowing.
Weren't they, Ellen? - 4.
5 stars on Amazon.
- Really? Yeah, I put them up there myself.
The people out there love you, Mr D.
And while we're on the topic, Mr Dugdale, sir.
I would be honoured if you would inscribe a copy for me.
What sort of farm is it? Because I don't like corn.
- (FLIES BUZZ) - Well, what do you care? It's only a seven-week campaign and then we are back in Canberra.
Just think, you can spend the next three years being a thorn in the side of the government and they'll be begging you to run for .
Well, I was a lot less unpopular than Kevin Rudd ever was.
Don't like to complain, Mr Dugdale, sir, but could I have the "idiot" one instead? Gonna have to talk to Catherine about it.
Of course.
Think she had her heart set on us spending a lot more time together.
I'm going to have to approach this very, very delicately.
Of course you're going to do it, you fucking idiot.
REPORTER: The by-election in the seat of Murray-Darling Downs will be one of the most closely watched in Canberra.
REPORTER 2: Former Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale is back and this time he means business.
REPORTER 3: Political cleanskin Lorelei Baggins says she's looking forward to it.
See, the key to the Australian accent is efficiency.
Firstly, the font is Trebuchet and I hate Trebuchet.
- But - Secondly, 'Dugdale' is all smudged, so it looks like it says 'drug mule'.
Thirdly, they've chopped off the top of Dad's head.
- Carol! - And most importantly, as far as I'm concerned, it's on yellow paper.
Yellow is the colour of primary school geography projects, not federal parliament campaign flyers.
- This isn't - Go back and get them to do it again.
This isn't my job, Carol.
If you want me, I'll be in my office doing today's itinerary.
That's my office! Dad said I could have whichever one I want.
Oh, and tell Sonny the phones keep cutting out.
That's my office! I have been on hold for 20 minutes, you pre-recorded arsehole.
Hello! Bloody Telstra.
You ring to complain about them, the thing you're complaining about prevents you from complaining to them.
Can we get a real PR person? Carol's getting really annoying.
You don't think a real PR person won't be annoying? - There's reception on the roof.
- The roof? Yeah, I was up there looking for an office.
Hello! There's a crawl space - maybe I'll just squeeze into that.
Where is Mr Dugdale's office? Carol says the one at the back's hers.
It's mine! Down the back, next to the cupboard no-one can open.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
But it is only the first week, so let's save the applause until after my victory speech.
- Oh! - (ALL LAUGH) (CAROL LAUGHS) Alright, everybody, let's get back to work and tell Canberra he's not dreaming.
Hey! Ha-ha! Whoo! Yeah! I'll speak to her.
- Your purse, darling.
- Thank you, darling.
5% off for the volunteers.
It's actually the second week, Mr Dugdale, sir, if I might be so bold.
We've been busy, Curtis.
Sewage farm doesn't run itself.
A very effective slogan, Mr Dugdale, sir.
Almost as good as the "not dreaming" one.
Oh, I meant it literally.
Chigwell Farm might be the keystone to this community but it's going to turn a profit.
It's not all prohibited fishing and grey-water rafting, you know.
What? - Dad! - Yes? It's alright if I have this office, isn't it? Oh, anything you want, sweetie.
What? Nothing.
I'll write your speeches in the campaign bus.
Well, you can share with Sonny.
He's got plenty of room.
Hasn't he? My office is smaller than hers.
What about the one next to it? - That's a cupboard.
- And it's locked! Oh, hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to John Mullin, please, or anyone from the Telstra board.
Is Henry here? Yes, he is, Mr Dugdale, sir.
And he has a surprise for you.
I hope it's a donor, so we can get a real PR person.
I don't want to spoil the surprise, except to say yes, he has a donor willing to spend $1 million on the campaign.
Ducktail for Canborra.
Tell zem he's noo dreaming! "Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming.
" Ducktail for Canberra No.
Dugdale for Canberra.
Ducktail No, Dugdale.
Sounds like you're saying "duck tail".
It's Dugdale, Dug as in "dig".
You don't seem very surprised.
Well, Curtis told me.
So, who is it? Well, that announcement will be made in due course, Andrew, by the AEC.
You don't need to worry about that now.
See, that's what worries me, that you won't tell me.
Well, it doesn't matter who it is-there are no strings attached.
The party's fine with it, your benefactor believes in you, which is terrific.
I mean, you're actually better off not knowing who it is.
You can't be compromised.
It's a bank cheque.
Do you know who it is? They wouldn't tell me either.
You should never look a gift horse in the mouth, Mr Dugdale, sir.
- Correct as usual, Curtis.
- I don't know.
If the Trojans had looked inside the mouth of that horse they'd been given, they would have seen all those Greek soldiers.
This does mean we can sack Carol, though, doesn't it? We can't sack my daughter, Ellen.
She's a volunteer.
Plus, she's my daughter.
That slogan idea she came up with wasn't bad.
She stole it from The Castle.
Just like she stole my office.
She just wanted to pick my campaign music and I encouraged her.
It's gotten out of hand, I'll admit that.
But I wanted to be the father that you described in your book.
I want to be that guy again.
Someone with integrity, someone who cares about people.
And for the first time in our lives, she sees that.
Feel right in this motherfucker I feel good in this motherfucker My whole hood in this motherfucker And we gon' rock this motherfucker, alright! You think you can get the rights? I really want to write and perform something original.
How much money did Henry say that guy was giving us? A mill, but I don't think you can blow the whole lot - on a YouTube video.
- Yeah, no, of course not.
Fuck! I really wish I could rework Krista Branch's I Am America.
You preach your tolerance but lecture me! Is there no end to your own hypocrisy? I am America! Obviously, I'll change that bit.
One voice, united we stand I am Ameri Australia, whatever.
One hope to heal our land.
- This is really good.
What is it? - I don't know, it's Ellen's.
She's got some Kombucha in the fridge if you want something to wash it down with.
Think of yourself as Michelangelo and this new benefactor as one of the Medici popes.
He's there to help you realise your vision, not to influence or interfere.
Well, whoever it is, they'd better be on board with our policies because they're all hippies and tree-changers around here.
Well, our new friend happens to agree with our climate change rollback agenda, and is absolutely on board with preserving the splendour and natural beauty of the great Murray-Darling Downs basin.
Bloody NBN! And the whole re-greening of the corridor that we're planning? Oh, yeah, with us every step of the way.
But why won't this Medici pope just give money to the Greens? Because he actually wants to do something about it, he doesn't want to just throw his support away on a gesture.
"He actually.
" HE actually.
So, we know it's a pro-ecology guy.
That's Gina Rinehart out.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- What is it, Jones? If the central plank of our campaign is supported by the vast majority of the electorate anyway, and name recognition alone because of Ellen's book is sufficient to garner us enough votes to secure victory, why is any money required to fund anything in this campaign? Maybe he's electrocuted himself.
Curtis, it's politics.
Everybody loves an underdog but nobody is going to back you if they think you're going to lose.
Spending money is a way of trying to win people over and indicating that you've got the support to do it.
You've got to be careful, though, because if you've got too much money, it looks like it comes from the big end of town and you're not one of them.
And too little money and they think you're not sufficiently successful to warrant their support.
She's a funny game, politics.
I just should stick to what I know best.
Right, the first thing to do is spend some of this money on some well-earned lunch.
Who's for a couple of pizzas? Not for me, thanks.
I've got that think this afternoon.
If there are cameras there, I don't want to look bloated.
- I'll have a couple of pizzas.
- Ellen? No, thanks, Henry.
I bought my own lunch today.
(HICCUPS) Kombucha? I managed to get one bar when I stood like this, now I've got no bar at all.
And they say that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac? Bloody NBN! It takes me back, all this.
Late nights, watching Andrew on TV making some speech or another.
Playing Catch Me If You Can along the corridors of power.
It's going to be different this time.
He's a new man.
And so am I.
Do you remember when we made love on the desk in your office on the night of the leadership spill? (CHUCKLES) Yeah That wasn't me.
Really? Oh.
Well, it was somebody.
It was definitely your office and your desk.
I remember knocking that picture of your sister off the annex.
Oh, that was you, was it? I had to replace the frame.
You can't expect me to remember everywhere we've made love.
Or everyone, by the sounds of it.
Oh, I remember this desk, though.
Really? Myles and Curtis picked it up from the army disposal place yesterday.
Still, you're probably right.
"Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming.
" Dugdale for Canberra.
Tell them he's not dreaming.
Come on, you two.
This women's indoor beach volleyball centre's not going to open itself! Wait for me.
I want to get some B-roll for the viral ad.
Ellen, grab my camera.
Dad! Not in front of the troops, Ellen.
Yeah, Ellen.
Time and place.
We're on the move.
Catherine, I am Andrew's chief of staff, his right-hand man.
Then we'd better make sure that the left hand doesn't know what the right hand's doing! That doesn't even make any sense.
Listen, fella.
I made you, and I can break you.
One word to Andrew and your career's down the shitter.
So is yours, sweetcakes.
I'm a woman, Sonny.
On an obviously overprescribed amount of HRT.
I have uncontrollable needs.
You're supposed to look after me.
Now, get those pants off.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (UNZIPS FLY) Arggh! Are you coming to the thing? Yeah.
What, you mean now? No, I've still got to find Catherine, so you've got time to .
do whatever it is you need to do.
Oh, no, it Oh, it can wait.
- Oh, isn't it hot? - Yeah, I'll see you outside.
Jukebox in Siberia Pounding out hysteria Get down, get down Turn that shit off, will you, Curtis? Carol told me to play it, sir.
The rights are really cheap, Dad, and it appeals to your older demo.
I'm not having Jukebox In Siberia as my campaign song.
Your choice.
You heard the man, Curtis.
Kill it.
(MUSIC STOPS) What are you doing? I just want to get some stuff of you guys being natural together.
Oh, well Carol, you could have given me some warning, I would have prepared something.
Do you want me to duck down behind the seat? I framed you out.
- Just talk to each other? - What about? Doesn't matter, I'm not using the audio.
It's just behind the scenes stuff for the viral campaign.
Yeah, good, take your jacket off and roll your sleeves up.
Makes you look like you're doing something.
- We could go over your speech? - Yes, that's a good idea, actually.
I have a couple of questions I want to ask you about that.
Yeah, piece of paper, good.
Uh, do I have to say "important building"? It's a beach indoor volleyball centre.
Well, it's important to their community.
Their beach is all mud.
I appreciate that, it's just that indoor beach volleyball doesn't make any sense, does it? If you're going to build a centre to play volleyball, then why not just play normal volleyball? Well, it has sand.
Normal volleyball doesn't have sand.
Yeah, but why have sand in the first place? That's my point.
Why have sand? I mean, if you're going to truck in sand, you might as well take it down the beach and put it on the mud.
Because then it wouldn't be indoor.
Why call it beach volleyball? What difference does the surface make? It doesn't make it another sport just because you play it on sand.
At the Olympics, they don't have beach archery or beach high jump, or beach fencing.
Beach cricket.
They play that on sand.
Yeah, but beach cricket isn't an Olympic event, whereas for some reason, beach volleyball is.
They do long jump on sand and that's in the Olympics.
- Yeah, and the triple jump.
- Yeah, alright.
Yes, those involve sand but they're not examples of a sport that suddenly becomes a different sport the moment you play it on the beach.
Well, how would beach long jump be different from long jump? Well, you'd run along the sand and jump and land in the sand with the sand over the top of it.
Just because an existing sport is played on a different surface doesn't mean it's a different sport.
That's my point.
Water polo.
Beach water polo? No.
It's an example of a sport becoming another sport when it's played on a different surface.
Or below the surface.
What? Someone ate my lunch.
I'm low on sugar.
- RITA: Floor gymnastics.
- Oh, shut up, Rita! She does go on, doesn't she? Sister Elizabeth Kenny was, of course, not a qualified nurse.
But in times of war, you make do.
And that's exactly what our diggers did when they were tended by her during the Great War.
And that is why this is an important building and as why I, as a feminist, am honoured to open it.
- Are you sure this is the right image? - Well, that depends, darling.
Are you trying to look like a depraved old man? - Alright, Dad, I'll cut around it.
- Ah, good.
Thank you.
The feminist bit is his.
I told him not to say it.
As soon as you say you're a feminist, it sounds like you're worried people think you're sexist.
It's a rare politician who isn't.
I once jumped out of a cake at a Liberal Party fundraiser hosted by Christopher Pyne completely naked and covered in glitter.
I said to him, "You better put something on "or you'll catch your death.
" Andrew hasn't got a sexist bone in his pants.
You've got an admirer.
Just doing a perimeter search.
Scanning for sniper vantage points, when this guy reached out.
I've checked it for anthrax.
It's clean.
Said it was for your eyes and your eyes only.
Wants you to meet him in the car park at 16:00 hours, which is .
five o'clock - an hour from now.
It means four o'clock.
Then you better get going, then.
What are you doing reading my mail? I thought you might know what 16:00 hours meant.
Hey, babe.
What's happening? You left this on the bus.
Shit! Shh! What about the bullets? They were cop killers too! Oh, they're really expensive.
(DOOR SHUTS) - Ellen LeBlanc? - Yes.
Did I startle you? No, I watched you walking towards me.
Told you to meet me in the car park.
- This is the car park.
- I meant the car park around the back.
I didn't know there was a car park around the back.
- It would have been less public.
- I'm sorry.
Who are you? Oh, good, you don't know who I am.
That's good, let's keep it that way.
Oh, hang on, you're George Pasquale.
You're the candidate Andrew replaced.
Well, you see, this is why I wanted to meet in the other car park.
Because I could have stayed in the shadows and remained anonymous.
Would you feel more comfortable if we went to the other car park? No, no! Doesn't matter now, does it? I mean, cover's being blown, so, you know, whatever.
Alright, gee.
Look, I'm sorry.
I haven't done this sort of thing before, so Done what before? You can't tell anyone I told you this, you understand? You haven't told me anything.
Yeah, good.
Good, we understand each other.
That's all the information I have from your mysterious benefactor.
Now, I don't like your boss or the way he goes about his business, but that is not good for the electorate or the party.
Or the country.
Er Yeah, I think they're too No, I'm sorry.
I've got to Er, hi.
Great! I was wondering whether .
maybe your little sister might like to have her picture taken .
instead, if that's alright? Would you like to come in here and have your picture taken? That's great.
And it'll be fun.
I'll throw the ball and you can catch it.
Better, I think.
Now, you ready? Here we go! One, two, three.
(OTHERS GASP) Ugh! No, no.
And delete that, will you? Delete it.
Jesus! Is this on the level? I'm going to keep digging.
I didn't want to get in over my head without some insurance.
Hey, I'm just a speechwriter.
You should speak to Henry or the AEC.
No, no.
Henry's in it up to his neck.
I want my career back and that is why I am writing to my MP.
Oh, that's a metaphor.
I didn't actually mean that literally.
- I don't want this.
- You just keep it, just in case.
In case what? What do you mean? I'll keep digging.
And the next time we meet, it has to be in the other car park, right? But I already know who you are.
Well, it'll be more discreet.
You see, we can't have a secret conversation out here in the open.
- That's ridiculous.
- Shh! (SIREN WAILS) NEWSREADER: The stray ball knocked unconscious primary school honours student Paige McQuinley.
She was rushed to the Murray-Darling Downs Hospital and later airlifted to the nearby Cambooya District Medical, after facilities proved inadequate to deal with her injuries.
Mr Dugdale said that once he was elected, he would ensure that local medical services were upgraded, so that children like Paige would never have to suffer like that again.
Rival candidate Lorelei Baggins said that the best way to stop children like Paige suffering was for Mr Dugdale not to throw volleyballs at them.
Mr Dugdale said he didn't want the volleyball incident turning into a political football.
Carol, have you seen my cop killers? Myles! Jesus! I am right in the middle of doing Dad's campaign video.
Fuck! I'll come back.

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