The Ex-PM (2015) s02e02 Episode Script


1 I think I should be doing more.
What are we? Six weeks away? - Four.
- And that's it? A meeting with a regional bank manager and some local radio? Well, Henry says after you spiked that volleyball into that child - you're an insurance risk.
- I should be out and about.
You get to go out to the radio station.
Yeah, Kook and the Bambino, the voice of the Basin.
It's a sad comedown for a man who used to light up the switchboards at 2GB.
Ray Hadley would have me back on in a heartbeat.
Alan Jones too, if he had one.
Henry says you need to run this race on the home front.
Well, I'd be here on the phone, I'd just sound like I was in Sydney.
Pol Pot used to say that elections are won on how things appear, not on how things are.
Yeah, well, he'd know.
Maybe we should make him our campaign manager.
Henry wants a small-target strategy this week.
They are harder this to hit, unless you've got a volleyball.
Incidentally, where is Henry? He had to fly to Prague to buy some art.
Well, at least it had something to do with the campaign.
- (PHONE ALERT SOUNDS) - What's that? It's never made that noise before.
- Mr Vole is here.
- How do I make it - (PHONE ALERT CONTINUES) - How do you make it stop doing that? Programmed all of your appointments into your phone.
- 9:05 is Mr Vole from the bank.
- Why? I have a Filofax.
- Which you never look at.
- Well, that's 'cause Sonny has it.
He looks at it and he reads it to me.
You made me office manager for a reason, Mr Dugdale.
Well, to be honest, that was so you could manage that business between Ellen and Carol about their offices, not so you could change the way I'm used to doing things.
- (PHONE ALERT SOUNDS) - I thought you turned that off.
I put in a 30-second reminder because you sometimes get distracted.
- Well, I'm distracted by this.
- Mr Vole? - What? - Your 9:05.
- Oh, yes! - The bank manager.
- Yes, I know, it's in my Filo - Where's my Filofax?! (SIGHS) Now YOU'RE distracting me.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Yes? There's a Mr Vole outside to see you, sir.
Yes, I know.
He says he knows he's 10 minutes early but he beat the traffic.
He's not 10 minutes early, the appointment is for 9:05 and now it's 9:08.
I set your clocks ahead by 10 minutes because you're always running late.
(SIGHS) Well, what's the point of that? - Good thinking, Rita.
- Thank you, Curtis.
It's not good thinking to set them ahead and then tell me you've done so.
Otherwise, I'd just adjust it in my head and I'm back where I was where I started.
- Shall I send him in? - Yes.
Best not to keep him waiting.
Best decision you ever made, Mr Dugdale, sir, making Rita office manager.
She's got the whole office humming along very nicely.
- Mm.
- What was the tune again? March On, Bahamaland.
Would you hurry up and send him in, please? (SIGHS) What does he want to speak to me about, anyway? It's on the briefing document I put on your desk in front of you.
Mr Dugdale, I was wondering if I could talk to you about that personal matter I mentioned.
- Oh.
- It will only take a second.
- Yes, I'm sorry, Rita.
- We have Mr Vole coming in.
- I'm sorry.
- Yes, sir.
- Maybe later.
- Mm-hm.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - What did he reckon? - CURTIS: That's why Mrs Dugdale's - Just a minute, Myles.
Sonny, he's joined the volunteer firefighters.
Ellen's a ranger at the girl guides and I'm emergency teacher down at the deaf school.
Have to be one hell of an emergency, Mr Dugdale says! (LAUGHS) And what civic work does Mr Dugdale do? Does he run a spin class too? Mr Dugdale will see you now, Mr Vole.
About bloody time.
I'll go and try and rub that penis off.
- Don't know who it was.
- They've used indelible texta.
This doesn't mean anything.
ELLEN: If you don't tell him, I will.
Well, we were going to tell him.
It's just Henry thought we should wait a while.
What, until you'd spent the million dollars and Andrew couldn't return it? I think you're overreacting.
This is a perfectly legitimate data mining company.
Owned by an actual mining company, owned by a holding company, whose main shareholder is a shelf company registered in Panama.
Shh! Whose trustee is a director of Rainbonergy, whose owner is Fabian Silver, who happens to run the biggest casino and most of the media in this country.
And transparently so.
We're not trying to hide anything.
Silver has his finger in too many pies.
He wouldn't be throwing his spare change at Andrew if he didn't want something in return.
For the 100th time, the donor is not Fabian Silver.
It's Oh, yeah, a company who finds out how people are going to vote.
Whose only customer is the party and is bankrolled entirely from its ministers' taxpayer-funded allowance.
It's a not-for-profit company.
By the government.
Yeah, doesn't make a profit because it makes million-dollar donations to Andrew Dugdale.
Shh! Keep your voice down.
What's this to? You do know how political donations usually work, don't you? - (CHUCKLES) Of course! - Let me illustrate.
Money is given to fund a party's political campaign.
It is declared and disclosed, and has no connection in any way to party policies or how an individual politician may or may not vote in his electoral life.
What Henry has done is skewed the system into a whole tangent, creating an ultimate system of political donations in which Fabian Silver uses taxpayer money to fund a political campaign, influence party policy and target the electorate most likely to get him what he wants! So, we go back to the future and stop Biff - from stealing the time machine? - Agh! Alright, so Andrew ends up having to do some favours for the taxpayer.
Is that such a bad thing for a politician? Anyway, does it look like we're being irresponsible with the money? Not only not only are we sharing an office, we are sharing a desk! You should shred those, wipe that off and melt that down.
What about Carol's viral campaign video? You can't tell me that was money well spent.
Uh, I will have you know that that video got over 1,200 hits in the first week.
Did you read the comments? Haters gonna hate, Ellen, that's the music business.
My agent reckons the RedTube version nearly broke the internet.
Plus, I have had some seriously positive feedback from a producer in Germany.
- A producer, huh? - Yeah, a producer.
A man can be interested in a woman for reasons other than her body, Ellen.
Or maybe that's not been your experience.
Oh, no, wait.
I've seen you naked.
Definitely isn't.
When did you see me naked? The campaign launch.
The paddle-steamer.
We were sharing a cabin and you were parading around like a total lesbian.
- I thought you were asleep.
- I was pretending.
Girls, girls, please, come on.
Is this how you're going to behave when we get to Canberra? Do you think our country is governed with all of this petty bickering going on all the time in the background? Hmm? Alright, fair call, carry on.
What are you guys doing in my office anyway? Because the new office manager said we had to share.
That's total bullshit.
Where am I supposed to put my creative hothouse with your crap all over it? - Creative what-house? - Hothouse.
- Oh.
- No! This is our desk.
Yours is there.
Yeah? Well that is some more bullshit, right there.
Who is this a new office manager anyway? I'm going to give him a piece of my fucking mind.
It's Rita.
I might actually leave that, then.
(CHUCKLES) Scares the shit out of me, that woman.
I heard she killed a man.
- Why all the salamis? - Oh, Mum's coming in for lunch.
I think she's totally got a tapeworm or something.
SONG: She can't help it, the girl can't help it If she walks by, the men folks get engrossed She can't help it, the girl can't help it If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast Can't help it, the girl can't You're looking positively glowing, Mrs Dugdale, if you don't mind me saying! Completely inappropriate, Curtis.
The girl can't help it, she was born to please She can't help it, the girl can't help it.
And if she (CAT SCREECHES) Hmm, alright, so let me get this straight.
Your bank is being compulsively acquired so it can be knocked down to make way for a forest.
Not just in my bank, Mr Dugdale.
The entire south-south-western section of the town.
The strip mall, the Costco's, the Bunnings, the recycling depot, the landfill station.
The Nando's.
All swallowed up by this bloody national park.
Well, I'm sure you'll be very well compensated, Mr Vole.
I run a bank, Mr Dugdale.
It's not about the money.
We've been in this community since 1991.
Offering low-interest loans to tree changers who wanted to put an extension on their holiday homes, or investment advice to retired hippies on any number of the products head office tell us we have to push.
We'd like to think we've refinanced the debts of almost everyone in the Murray-Darling Downs at one time or another, sometimes twice.
To see this grand old building, and others just like it, become an access road for emergency vehicles to fight fires in yet another forest would kill my wife.
She's in real estate and leases out quite a few of the properties.
Excuse me, darling.
Have you seen Carol? - Um, have you checked her office? - Mm.
I just stuck my head in there but it was just Sonny and Ellen arguing.
Well, check behind the door, because Rita's put in a card table.
Hello, Mr Vole.
- How's Mrs Vole? - Very well, thank you, Mrs Dugdale.
- Mm.
- She's enjoying the spinning.
Oh, good, good.
She told me you vomited at the last session.
I hope you're feeling better.
A bit.
Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
I didn't know you'd been ill, my angel.
Well, never follow a Halal snack pack with half an hour of centrifugal force.
Trap for young players there! (CHUCKLES) Behind the door? Yes.
You'll probably hear a thud as you open it.
That's beautiful.
RITA: You look nice today, Mrs Dugdale.
I FEEL beautiful, Rita.
I've just done a shoot for FFM.
Farms And Farm Machinery.
Have a look at that one of me on the tractor in the top left-hand corner.
Wow! Everyone said I made Melania Trump look like a nun.
Can I put that in the bin for you? Hm! No.
I have plans for it.
I finally got it off, but look, I've stained my trousers! I can't ring Henry, he'll be asleep.
We're eight hours ahead of Prague.
It'd only be two in the morning.
- He'd still be having dinner.
- Alright, alright, think on this.
National parks are paid for by the taxpayer, yeah? Right.
So, this time, our benefactor wants to fund this one himself.
Except it's going to cost a hell of a lot more than what's going into Andrew Dugdale's warchest.
Since when has a national park run by an energy company - ever been a thing? - Well, you know.
Public-private partnerships are strange bedfellows, Ellen.
You know, Obayashi, they built City Link 20 years ago.
Now, they're working on a space elevator.
Isn't Obayashi also the guy that built the tower that Bruce Willis threw Professor Snape off in Die Hard 1? - That's Nakatomi Tower.
- Yes! Think I might stay there if I tour Japan.
Gunter's trying to get me in the Budokan.
I'll bet he is! Yeah, 5 Seconds Of Summer did their last live tour there.
Fucking rocked! Why didn't Rita move her to your old office? She put Myles in there.
I wonder if she's thought of calling herself 5 Seconds Of Carol.
- Might be a bit too long.
- Wait, this is the good bit! - I am Australia! - Ugh! Ow! Fuck me! I'm sorry, I'm late.
I had to get a top-up from the little man at the servo.
Oh, he's going to regret that unlimited refill policy.
(CHUCKLES) - Hi, guys.
Want to see my spread? - No, I'm good.
- Sonny? - Mum, this better not swell up.
Gunter wants me to show him my new moves on webcam tonight.
(GROWLS) Are any of these pepperoni? Ooh, two days of nothing but watermelon and expired Ponderax, I'm fucking starving.
- Just over there by the window.
- No, no, no! - No! No! - Can't he share with Myles? No offence, Curtis, but it's very close in here already.
None taken! I ran Rodrigo Duterte's mayoral campaign from a cell half this size and he never complained.
Yeah, but did he have to deal with an idiot in the corner - with banana peel on his head? - Yes.
And Myles needs his space.
Why has Curtis got a banana peel on his head? Oh.
Hazing the new boy, eh? Ha-ha! Not going to fall for that old one.
(RADIO CHATTER) (CLICKING) (DOOR OPENS) - (SIGHS) - Well? He's dealing with that banker and she couldn't talk to me because she's got a mouthful of bratwurst.
Mm, I must say, Rita, you've taken to the Aussie idiom really well.
- Shut the fuck up, Myles.
- That is perfect.
You'll have to get him alone this afternoon.
We've only got a week until my 457 expires.
- Mm-hm.
- I mean it, Myles.
I am not going back to selling inflatable hammers - on the Spratly Islands ferry.
- It's under control.
It had better be.
Because if I'm going down I'm taking you all with me.
Help me practice my Kalaripayattu.
- It'll calm you.
- I can't.
I'm expecting a delivery of photocopy paper.
There might be some in that cupboard.
It's locked.
Plus, Madame wants me to run off copies of her straddling various agricultural products.
Come on.
I want to show you how smooth my horse-to-snake-to-cat-to-panda transitions are.
Cat to panda? Sure.
I've come a long way since the weekend.
(SIGHS) I've only ever seen my grandmother do cat to panda.
Well, then, this is going to blow your mind.
I'll put the crash mats down.
Crash mats are for pussies, Myles! - Do you want me to be the mongoose? - Yeah.
Bring it.
Ashva Vadivu.
The majestic horse cantering to Malabar.
To Sarpa Vadivu.
The most sinuous and deadly of all the yogic sutras.
To Marjara Vadivu, the most catlike and feline of the species.
And finally, to Mastela Vadivu, the almost always giant panda! Mongoose! I've married worse.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Well, I hope you're not all out of love.
Of course, if you are, why not pop into Penhallick's Hardware, see if they've got some love for you.
Of course, if they haven't, they'll be able to get it in.
Penhallick's Hardware, on the South Highway, just next to Bunnings, and proud sponsors of Kook and the Bambino, the voice of the Basin, driving you home early on this sunny Thursday afternoon.
It's a top of 23.
Can you give this to the program director? It's the dance remix version of my song.
12 minutes, but you can probably fade it out after 11.
I'm not sure it would fit in with our playlist, Carol.
Well, just play it as an intro to Dad, then.
Yeah, but then it becomes a party political ad and we'd have to pay for it.
Well, I could do it live, as a part of the interview.
I've got the backing track.
But he's only got three minutes and then we take callers.
How about I call in? - I'll talk to him.
- Thanks.
It's 4:27 and coming up at the bottom of the hour ex-Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale drops by to talk politics.
Ho-ho! Kook's nodding off already! Wake up, Kookster! No, Andrew Dugdale's a great guy and I happen to know that he's a big fan of the Skyhooks.
Can I have a word, Mr D? Not now, Myles.
They're talking about me.
And a copy of Andrew's book is up for grabs for one lucky listener.
Two copies, if you're unlucky.
No, I'm only kidding! Really, no I like him, I like him a lot.
- Here's Jukebox In Siberia.
- Jeez, I hate this song.
Well, at least they plugged your book.
(JUKEBOX IN SIBERIA BY SKYHOOKS PLAYS) Keep it light, be relatable.
Avoid policy, no politics.
Well, I've got to address some policy.
We're taking callers, aren't we? Well, deflect.
Don't commit to anything.
I mean, offer, you know, platitudes and sympathy, but nothing concrete.
Yeah, but I Name recognition alone's going to win this.
It's about being, not doing.
You're a cipher onto which people can project their own hopes and dreams, desires and fears.
- Cipher? Alright! - Alright! It's like getting a pep talk from Martin Heidegger.
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
I mean, how do we know all that Halal stuff doesn't fund terrorism? Have they proved that it doesn't? Yes, well that's a question I hear a lot, Shazza.
And it's all part of the national conversation.
Thank you, Shaz! Now, Andy, we have a Kook and the Bambino celebrity challenge, brought to you by Penhallick's! (PIG SQUEALS, FANFARE PLAYS) For you right now, if you're up for it.
Well, I'm not really a celebrity, Bambino.
I'm more a public figure.
But I am happy to give it a burl.
Well, good on you, Andy! Drumroll, thanks, Kookster! - (DRUMROLL) - Now, then, former Prime Minister and present candidate for the seat of Murray-Darling Downs Yes? .
which politician, now they can be from your side, from their side, whatever, doesn't matter - Yes? - .
would you Yes? .
turn gay for? (SLEAZY MUSIC PLAYS) Wow! That's a very interesting question, Bambino.
Um, and certainly raises a lot of issues for the LGBTQI community.
Well, of course, we're not trying to offend anyone.
- Just a bit of fun.
- Sure.
Personally, I'm quite partial to a BLT myself, now and then.
And this is a regular segment? Well, semi.
It depends on who's in town.
Kevin Andrews did it for us last month over the telephone.
- Ah, well, he's a good sport, Kevin.
- Oh, yes, he is.
- You know, he chose Sir Earle Page.
- Oh? So, they don't have to be alive? No, they can be dead, if you like.
Whatever floats your boat, Andy! They don't even have to be Australian.
OK, well, let me think.
I don't think I've ever been asked that question in my political life.
Can you just get out on with it? We've got the stock report at quarter to.
OK - Matteo Renzi.
- (FANFARE PLAYS) Well, now! You heard it first, right here at Kook And The Bambino.
Andrew Dugdale says that he'd get all chubby for Matteo Renzi.
Who who exactly is that, mate? He is the former Prime Minister of Italy.
Right, well it's time to hit the phones, folks, because the best bawdy limerick about Andrew Dugdale and Matteo Renzi getting it on together wins themselves a $23 gift voucher from K&M Timber Supplies.
K&M, where everyone gets wood.
But in the meantime, let's take another caller.
We've got Reg from Fingal's Creek on the line.
Reggie! A regular caller by the sound of it, Reg? - No, first time I've rung.
- Oh.
Do you have a question for Andy there, Reg? I'm ringing about this new national bloody park.
I see the value in it, in terms of employment and tourism and carbon credit offsets and protecting the aquifier and all that.
Yes, and not forgetting our climate change rollback there, Reg.
And of course, spending time with the family.
That's the main thing, getting out there, going to picnics, having sack races.
Oh, yeah, nah, I get all that.
But I heard that it's going to be run by an energy company, and they're going to knock down the Nando's on Snail Street.
Well, Reg, it's not unusual for consortiums and government to work together to build infrastructure projects.
And that's what this national park is, in effect.
It's rebuilding the lungs of our country and Rainbonergy want to be a part of that.
I don't much like the idea of the Chinese buying up our power - Don't look at me, I didn't tell him.
- Two points there, Reg.
Firstly, Rainbonergy is an Australian company.
It's been around since 1989.
And secondly, Fabian Silver did very, very well in the mineral resources boom and he just wants to give something back.
Seems like he's dug a lot of holes and now he just wants to put some trees in them! (CHUCKLES) Yes, that's right, Bambino.
And the second point, Reg The Nando's, yes.
Because I really like their garlic and herb chicken meatballs.
OK, well, I will be speaking to Fabian Silver and his representatives personally.
And we will be discussing that access road that's taking out half the high street, and I'm sure it can be moved to save those meatballs.
- (LINE RINGS) - Come on Thank you, Reg! Yes, what your listeners have to realise Henry! It's me.
very much like an octopus.
- Many arms - Henry! It's Sonny.
If you're ringing about the duty-free angora socks, I'll pick them up on the way back when we change planes in Zurich.
How's the boy wonder doing? I'll take it.
And all the others as well.
Double whatever they want.
Because this speaks to me.
As it would the 14th century, as he chased monks from the Athos Mountains.
Who, having climbed to the top of the ladder of divine ascent, would achieve, as they gazed upon the image of Christ, a transfigurative rapture, bathing their very soul with pure and uncreated light.
Andrew wants to talk to you about moving the access road so they can save that Nando's.
You know, the one next to the bank in Snail Street? Tell Claudia to get the plane ready.
And as for the Francis Bacon Triptych in the front room .
I'll take the one on the left.
Burn the rest.
Of course I knew he was the donor! You don't get to be Prime Minister without having some awareness - of what's going on around you.
- Hmm.
Sonny and I are going to check out a few hotels for the post-election party.
- We'll be back Monday.
- Alright.
Plus, his name was written on the back of the whiteboard.
(PHONE RINGS) It's the former Italian Prime Minister again.
I'm not in! He bought it.
- Well, this is the last time.
- I'm a new man, remember? Guess what, everyone! Oh, they haven't gone and drawn another penis on the bus again, have they? No.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode