The Ex-PM (2015) s02e03 Episode Script


So, if I could ask each of you to introduce yourselves as we go around the table and then we'll talk preferences.
Ian Cox, Satanist party.
Ada Byron, Pagan Sex party.
Peggy Wong, Glassblowers, Ventriloquists and Canasta Players party.
Denise Christian, the Nick Xenophon Team.
George Xenophon, the Greens.
Tim Green, Christian Democrats.
Great, alright, preferences.
Let's start with the Satanists.
- That'd be young virgins then.
- Oh.
Sorry we're late, power breakfast at Pavlowski's Red House.
Here's what people are saying about you.
Focus groups, really? They think you're too high-handed and dismissive.
Why are we still asking these inbred nut jobs what we should be doing? We should be telling them.
I mean, if we're going to have a policy formed by morons, why don't they have the morons in parliament in the first place? They're giving that idea a crack in the Senate, aren't they? Well, if they're going to come up with these insane ideas, they may as well be paying 200 grand a year, rather than giving it to us for nothing.
How are we going with our fundraisers? Hang on a minute.
I thought we were rolling in campaign money.
Well, we are, but if we don't have some fundraisers soon, everyone is going to work that out, they'll be sniffing about and the Fabian Silver story will grow legs.
I think it's already got legs.
Well, it's a centipede at the moment, but we don't want it becoming a millipede.
Although, interesting fact, centipedes sometimes have more legs than a millipede, so in some instances you might want it to turn into a millipede.
(LAUGHS) But I know what you're saying, yes, so legs to one side.
So, hang on, the Sex party is preferencing the Glassblowers? No.
You've got Cox from the Sex party, he's the Satanist.
So the Satanists are preferencing the Glassblowers? Yes.
And the Glassblowers are preferencing the Satanists? - No, no, no, they're preferencing us.
- Who are you? Pagan.
Pagans not Satanists, he's the Sex party.
Oh, right, right, sorry.
And the Christians are preferencing the Greens No, no, my name is Christian, I am preferencing the Greens but I'm from the Nick Xenophon Team.
He's from the Christians, but his name is Green.
- Well, who are you preferencing? - The Greens.
- So Green is referencing the Greens? - Green from the Christians, yes.
- And Greens are preferencing Xenophon? - Yes.
No, Xenophon is my name, but I'm from the Greens.
- And who are you preferencing? - Green.
- Green.
- From the Christians.
So we thought we would turn the Walnut Farm visit into a family fun day, whatever the fuck family fun is, I've certainly got no experience of it.
Well, it would be similar to being on crack cocaine if that helps.
- (MESSAGE BUZZES) - The sausages are under control.
So what is that? Is that some secret-coded spy message? No, I have convinced a local butcher named Brendan Lowe to provide us with 10kg of sausages for free for the sausage sizzle.
Oh, and I'll be doing some face painting.
Oh, I could do a 90-minute live music set if people want? Assholes.
Oh, and I have booked a bouncy castle, it's a good one too, it's just been re-vulcanized.
- Is this what politics has come to? - Why is it a castle? What? Well, because it just is.
I mean, why bouncy? When, historically, were castles ever bouncy? Weren't castles made of stone? Henry makes a good point, what is the correlation between bounciness and castles, Ellen? She's not here.
I mean, it would be different if it was a bouncy football stadium, 'cause the players do sort of bounce around on it, that would make some kind of sense.
I mean, we don't even have castles in Australia, do we? The whole idea is flawed.
Well, there's Kryal Castle in Ballarat, Myles and I went there for our honeymoon.
I have pictures of him chained to the wall.
If that what a bouncy castle is in this country? A replica of Kryal Castle? Catherine? I'll look into it.
Well, I don't think the children are going to raise this as an issue, so, you know, well done, everyone, it's all sounding fairly ordinary and, Rita, can we lose the suit and put Andrew in some sort of farm-friendly local clobber? - That's how you kill a man, Ellen.
- Right.
Straight in the neck.
You're done.
OVER LOUDSPEAKR: Sponsored by Brendan Lowe and the boys from Lowe quality meats.
Just stand behind him like one of the locals and not like they do on the telly.
Like they do on the telly.
Well, for me, this by-election is about what sort of country we want to live in.
Do we want a country where people are discriminated against because of their religion? Do we want a country where young people won't be able to afford - to buy their own home? - Oh, God.
Stop him.
Do we want a country where we don't make anything anymore? Curtis, Curtis.
Don't nod your head, shake your head.
Don't we want a country in which migrants are made to feel welcome? Don't we want a country in which the welfare system looks after people who are doing it tough.
Don't we want peace, don't we want harmony? Don't we want brotherhood within our community? In George Christensen's onesie.
Well, he's hardly a world leader.
His eyebrows are looking a little John Howard-y.
Have you groomed many other world leaders, Rita? I once did Kim Jong-un.
Hm, I'd imagine he'd be very particular.
I thought he was going to have me killed for sneezing while he was speaking, so I gave him the most embarrassing haircut I could.
And were you killed? He liked the haircut so much, he pardoned me.
He's kept it ever since.
(PHONE RINGS) Hold still, this could go straight to your brain.
Curtis, would you mind, please? Thank you.
Hello, ex-Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale's phone.
He's having his nostril hairs trimmed at the moment.
I'll put him on.
Ban Ki-moon.
Ban Ki, I'll call you back in five.
Tell her nothing, Andrew, she can't break you.
I could have anyone of you spilling your guts in five seconds.
Yeah, she made Mr Han at the fish market confess to murdering his own wife.
She's not even dead.
Weekend polling's out and frankly it's fucked, I've checked.
We're losing ground.
We're neck and neck with Baggins, 50-50 two-party preferred.
We're leaking votes to some whack job from the Satanist party.
I don't know, maybe it's this idea of defunding the Catholic schools is resonating with with the locals.
Alright, I'm going to say this once and then I'm never going to mention it again.
This is how I'm going to look for the rest of my days, it makes me feel better about myself, so get used to it or get over it.
May I see? You know, I think I need to come across as less self-absorbed and narcissistic.
Why would you want to be something you're not? Well, it's just a perception, Henry, I'm not saying I am actually self-absorbed and narcissistic Oh, you're talking about him.
Why not just accept that you're bald? You know, lose the desiccated ferret.
And, everybody, let's not worry too much about the polls, the polls go up and down like Shane Warne's trousers, it depends what people are asked.
Will you vote for Lorelei Baggins or that asshole Dugdale we thought we got rid of years ago? None taken.
It's internal party polling, Henry.
The most vindictive kind.
If the by-election was held today, who would you vote for? Yeah, that's so loaded, don't worry about it, Dad.
Well, I am.
Leaking votes to the Satanists.
How was I attracting those votes in the first place? How do you do? I'm Curtis.
Oh, for Godsakes.
Bloody hell.
Look, I can see that we need to work on Andrew's image, we need to improve the popularity and likeability of Andrew.
Or diminish Baggins'.
Well, and found three more appearances for this week and that will help big time, an ABC interview with Sarah Ferguson Jesus.
An episode of Family Feud and then some lighter stuff.
Righto, that's it, we're finished.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Oh, you mean the meeting.
It's sunny.
Preference deals are going to be crucial.
- I knew you'd find this threatening.
- Well, possibly when it was alive.
Because you would be the only baldy.
Oh, when you're bald and everyone knows it, you can't just glue a wig on the top of your head and expect everybody to pretend you've got hair.
Isn't that exactly what we do every day of the campaign? Well, a little more convincingly, I would hope.
Dugdale's sliding in the polls.
It's like Manuel Noriega all over again.
Oh, that bad? - Worse for you, lover.
- Hm? If His Lordship ends up back in Canberra, the PSS and the Senior Feds will be doing all his security.
You'll be back doing Tamie Fraser's shopping.
The Parliamentary Security Service are a bunch of pussies.
Jeez, Rita, is there no reward for loyalty these days? Flybuys.
- In George Christensen's onesie.
- Oh.
Oh, Curtis, I said coffee for everyone, can't you count? It's not coffee, Mrs Dugdale, it's my breakfast.
Two mi-NUTE noodles.
Only there are several of them and they're really not that small.
We need to settle on a strategy for the Sarah Ferguson interview.
Where are we exactly with Andrew's wardrobe? I hid in that once, playing hide-and-seek with Carol many years ago.
Five days it took her to find me.
I'd gone to the Falls Festival.
Alright, we've got dark suit, powder blue shirt and tie, we still haven't decided on.
OK, we've narrowed it down to these options, option one.
- Too Tony Abbott.
- Option two.
- Classic Turnbull.
- This one? No, Hewson.
- Or this? - Hm, Sonny? - It's a bit Mark Latham.
- Yeah, burn it.
I'm sorry, did I say "ties"? I meant to say "strategy.
" SONNY: Don't underestimate the power of a tie, Ellen.
A tie can say "I'm successful" or "I'm untrustworthy" or - "I'm not bald.
" - "What does my tie say about me?" CAROL: "I eat like a dribbling pig.
" SONNY: Just Google a photo of Nelson Mandela and get one of his ties.
And so what sort of themes and visions should Andrew be enunciating from behind his Nelson Mandela tie? Hang on, what's he wearing on Family Feud? Open-necked shirt, I think with a cashmere sweater, Mum reckons with a casual bomber jacket.
I was thinking of leather.
Focus, Catherine, focus.
Well, everything must be made in Australia.
Does Dad still get his pants run-up in Honkers? Not since that Senator oversight committee.
Well, just in case anyone's looking Rip the labels out of anything from overseas and replace them with ones from whatever it is we still make here now.
Well, Kevin, that's very kind, but we already have a campaign manager, a strategy adviser and a media liaison officer.
Yeah, yeah, I know you speak Mandarin, but I don't think that's going to be very useful round here, that's all.
Yeah, Kevin, can I call you back? Someone's just come in.
No, no, it's not Julia.
No, I mean she did offer to do some consulting work No, I didn't tell her to get fucked, I just said that we couldn't afford it.
Anyway, Kevin, I can't We're going into a tunnel Curtis, if those are the biscuits, I must refuse.
These are my late wife's ashes, Mr Dugdale, sir.
What?! Did you manage to convince the MCG board to suspend its non-sprinkling policy? Oh, Curtis, I'm so sorry.
I meant to ask them before we left Melbourne, but I completely forgot.
It's alright, Mr Dugdale, sir, at least you tried.
Tell you what, leave it with me and I'll see what I can do.
(PHONE ALARM RINGS) - God bless you, sir.
- What's this? Image meeting.
Oh image meeting, right, yes.
How would that look? Being late for an image meeting.
I want her to throw in, you know, "Mum and Dad" a lot, like "Mum and Dad" shareholders, "Mum and Dad farmers.
" - Really? - Yeah, makes him sound less elitist.
Bit more everyman.
I have done an interview before, I was Australia's longest-serving Prime Minister.
OTHERS: Caretaker Prime Minister.
And if the leadership comes up, remember, you're not there to answer her questions.
- I think he is, isn't he? - You ask your own questions.
Well, only if you know the answers.
Like, do I think affordable housing is important? Yes, I do.
Or you can say, "Well that's really a question for someone else.
" Someone who answers questions.
You know, this is what drives people mad, don't you? It's why they don't listen to politicians.
Well, it's better than having them actually listen to someone stuff up the answer and then lose the election.
Body language, Carol.
Hand over heart for heartfelt moments.
Clenched fists, Andrew.
Shows your strength, you're a fighter.
Point with your knuckles, people like that.
Yeah, you know, I've never understood why we do that.
- Just do it.
- Oh, and when you're on the hustings, strong arms when you're waving to people.
Yeah, but nothing someone can turn into a Nazi salute - on the internet though.
- Classic meme.
Yeah, don't show your palms, Andrew, people can see you've never done a day's work in your life.
Hm-mm, too black power.
Hm, too David Bowie.
Maybe don't raise your arms at all, Andrew.
(CLEARS THROAT) Mr Dugdale, welcome to the program.
Oh, thank you.
I'll learn this, obviously.
It's a pleasure to be with one of the best political interviewers in the country, Sarah.
She will projectile vomit all over you.
Well, why do we get Sarah Ferguson? Why couldn't we get somebody more malleable like Quentin Dempster? I used to be able to wrap him around my little finger.
- He's dead, Andrew.
- Oh, God, really? Well, he's a contributing editor to The New Daily, which is a similar experience.
Mr Dugdale, why should people vote for you this time around? Because, Sarah, I believe I can be a strong voice in the government for the people of Murray-Darling Downs.
Oh, wow, awesome.
What other great ideas have you got? I believe we have in place the policies that will see this area thrive and which will generate new business and employment opportunities.
Oh, my God, brilliant, you are so totally going to smash this election, respect.
You don't even know who Sara Ferguson is, do you? Yeah, she's that chick off The Project, right? Right? SONNY: Yeah.
(MILITARY BAND MUSIC PLAYS) (CLEARS THROAT) I'm terribly sorry, Myles, I probably shouldn't sneak up on a security guard, should I? Not while I'm packing heat, Henry.
Well, you certainly look like you're packing something.
You know, you're the only person I can never hear coming up behind me.
Many of our former leaders, Myles, have made exactly that same observation, it's one of the dark arts of the faceless man.
Myles, can I talk to confidentially? Ah, about women, hey, you old dog? - What? - I thought Myles, I want you to go out and rip down, tear up, deface and destroy about a dozen of the Dugdale campaign posters from around the electorate.
- Onto it.
- Good man.
No, no, no.
I mean it.
I already have.
About 20 of them.
Really? Because people will assume that that's the Baggins' lot doing that and that'll tie their resources up for a few days dealing with the media shitstorm.
- Exactly.
- Good work.
I was never here.
Family Feud is something you'd think we'd excel it.
Instead we get publicly humiliated and a cardboard cut-out.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS) Music bothering you, sir? No, no, no.
Hate Eternal again, is it? They've been my favourite since the head injury, Mr Dugdale, sir.
- Hm.
- Very soothing.
Are they? Would you like me to play something else? I've got Jukebox In Siberia and Carol's 16-minute dub remix.
- CATHERINE: Jukebox.
- SONNY: Jukebox.
Hey, let's let Dad decide, OK, he's the one that's under all the pressure.
Yeah, well, I'm always this way when there's a tough interview.
Yes, Grant Denyer asks the questions others dare not ask.
Yes, that's very true, although I was thinking of the one coming up with Sarah Ferguson.
Oh, no, she actually bailed, apparently someone sent her anthrax in the mail.
That's great news.
You're doing it with that Italian chick.
Alberici or Trioli? Er Trioli.
She's quite nice, isn't she? You've got to watch her, she made Barnaby Joyce look like an idiot.
She's no Grant Denyer, she won't be giving away life-sized cut-outs of herself after the show.
Life-size? You mean Grant Denyer's only five millimetres thick? Well done, Myles.
(WHIRRING AND CHATTER) And there we are.
Alright, alright, alright! In George Christensen's onesie.
Just one more thing, if she asks, you paid for the trip to Hong Kong.
Just ignore her questions.
It's about working for the electorate of a stronger economy.
Yes, yes, yes! Right, clear the set, please.
- Out, out, out, out.
- Smile, darling, smile.
Enjoy it.
I know, I know, I know.
I was Prime Minister once.
Caretaker Prime Minister.
OK And we are live in three, two Mr Dugdale, welcome.
Good evening.
Cool, minibar.
Want a beer, Mum? Oh, fuck yeah.
Firstly, the tragic events unfolding in Mexico as we go to air right now, what are your initial thoughts? Virginia, I'm focused on doing what's right for my electorate and the good burghers of the Murray-Darling Downs basin and may I say the burghers are better in Murray-Darling Downs.
- Is that one of yours? - God no.
RITA: I wrote it.
I used to be the speechwriter for Kurt Waldheim.
Mr Dugdale, you don't think the scale of this international incident warrants something more than a glib parochial response? Well, Virginia, I think the real question is who do you trust, me or Lorelei Baggins to create a strong local economy and it's only when you have a strong economy that you can afford to deal with these, you know, Mum and Dad terrorists.
Keep them coming.
Doctor Gele said I need carbs.
Well, what about Sabra Lane's leftover fried rice? Oh, yeah, get it over here.
ON TV: So, what exactly are you offering this time round to all those people who are sick of your empty slogans those years ago? Hope, stability, leadership.
Do you still have leadership ambitions? Well, I think that's a question for I think that's a question for you, surely.
- Yes - Well, those aspirations are Let's ask this.
Are they dead, buried, cremated? Please, please, don't put Tony Abbott's words in my mouth, although if you did, at least they'd come out a bit faster.
CURTIS: Is there anything else on? VIRGINIA: Now, there's a lot of unease in your electorate around China buying up large tracks of local farming land.
Are there any skeletons in your closet regarding Chinese interests paying for your travel expenses? No, no, there aren't.
And can I say, if there were, I'd encourage those skeletons to come out of the closet and, you know, be open about their sexuality.
Nailed it.
Is media magnate Fabian Silver funding your campaign? We live in a democracy, Virginia, everyone is free to donate, including you.
Well, I don't think so.
Being at the ABC, I don't think I'm free to fund your campaign.
But we have to fund yours, though, don't we? But hang on, this is about influence, isn't it? Isn't some transparency here important? Virginia, if I had a dollar for every time someone stopped me in the street and told me I was completely transparent Oh, I think you probably wouldn't need Fabian Silver's money.
Mr Dugdale, thanks for your time.
Thank you, Virginia.
But if you can get me some dirt on Lorelei Baggins, I reckon I can sort out your accommodation problem, I've got to go now, but thanks very much for the advice.
You're welcome.
Can I come in to my office? No, bit of a quick meeting.
How did she know about Silver? I know, it's typical bloody ABC.
I think I hosed it down pretty well though.
On the plus side, Myles has been doing a bit of moonlighting for us.
I saw him tearing down some of Baggins' posters.
Probably shouldn't have been wearing his SS outfit.
That is his secret service thing, not a Nazi uniform.
Baggins' posters? Yeah, yeah, how's that for commitment, hey? I think we should give him a raise or something.
Or something.
Get him to come and see me in the morning, will you, so I can show him my appreciation? - Will do.
- The fucking idiot.
I'll see you at the front, I'll just lock up.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yes, well, it was very nice of you to offer, Tony, but it's such a long way out here, I wouldn't like to put you to all that trouble when you could just as easily leak the information to me over the phone.
Of course I'd like to see you and Margot, it's just that we're very busy at the moment.
No, I'm not suggesting you're not busy.
I'm just saying that Catherine and I are especially busy, that's all.
Might not be able to spend as much time with you as we'd like.
Of course I value your advice.
Of course I'd like to be prime minister again, it's just that we can't both be prime minister at the same time now, can we? And as much as we have a lot in common, there's only so much trust I can put in your breaches of confidence.
- Image meeting in five.
- Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, well, well, well.
We're certainly not a party tearing ourselves apart up here.
(LAUGHS) Hello? Curtis, I'd like you to bring the bus around, please.
I'm sorry, Mr Dugdale, I'm indisposed, I don't think those noodles agreed with me.
(BUBBLING) Exactly what I said when we lost the last elections, it's alright, Curtis, I'll call a cab.
Oh, God! Myles, I'm off.
Alright, Henry is working in my office today and Curtis is stuck in the toilet with diarrhoea.
Wants you to pop in and see him, by the way.
- I'm not going in there.
- No, Henry.
Oh, OK.
What about? Well, I've been mentioning you in dispatches and your impassioned attack on the Baggins' posters.
Catch you later, Mr D.
I've got to be honest, I haven't been aft in a while.
Seriously, though, I very much enjoy flower arrangements, I'm very deeply into Pilates and contemporary dance theatre.
Love search, hey? Myles, you want to be very careful, you are playing with fire.
Look, I'm going to need a role if Mr D goes back to Canberra.
OK? I'm not going back to driving Tamie Fraser again.
Man of your talents.
How does security consultant sound? - Senior security consultant.
- Yeah.
Is there any other kind? Carry on.
You want to lock the door, please, on your way out? I do apologise.
MYLES: Oh, sweet Jesus! Just pull up the front there, I want to get the stuff out of the letterbox.
- Sure.
- So just here would be good.
Right, thank you very much indeed.
No worries.
- Sorry.
- It's alright, no, it's fine.
So what's the damage? No charge for an old Prime Minister.
Really? That's very nice, thank you very much.
You're welcome, sir.
Oh, Tom, Tom, Tom.
I can't let you pay for my trip.
- Why not? - Because you're Chinese.
I'm Australian.
My father's Korean.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's about how it looks and, you know, you look Chinese.
I look Chinese? Yeah, you know what I mean, you look Chinese in the way that to you I might look Norwegian.
You know, I don't want people to get the wrong idea.
You are racist scum.
No, I'm not talking about how things are, I'm talking about how things look.
Take 100.
Keep your money, man.
150? Yeah, OK, cheers, no worries.
- You have a nice day.
- You too, Mr Rudd.

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