The Ex-PM (2015) s02e04 Episode Script


It's pretty good, Ellen, it really is an excellent speech.
You should try it at our parole hearing.
I cannot leave you alone for a moment.
Did we make bail, Henry? I can't take it anymore.
I am serious.
Myles, you've been in here for 20 minutes.
He means Curtis' harmonica.
He only knows one tune.
Ellen is fashioning a shiv out of a spoon.
Well, before I do anything, you're going to tell me what happened.
I don't think there's any way we can spin this one.
Well, Carol and Rita are off buying us some time with the press.
We'd better go.
Just a couple more minutes.
I love fire.
Who wants to start? Well, don't look at me! It wasn't my fault.
We went to visit Fabian Silver to get to know him as per your suggestion.
I told you to take Sonny with you.
Yeah, well, Sonny was too busy.
He was chasing up that lead from Ellen's Deep Throat.
- Oh, this gets better and better.
- This isn't my fault.
This is a guy you blackmailed into resigning, so Andrew could run in the first place! Perhaps a little bit louder, I don't know that the policeman quite caught all that.
Nah, it's all good.
And you've gone off to see Silver without anybody to advise you.
Go on.
Well, I can't speak for Sonny He was visiting that guy that was imprisoned for losing all those ballot papers.
I can only really tell you what happened at Fabian Silver's.
Why hello! - Hello.
- Come in.
- Come, come.
- Thank you.
It's just Oh, you gorgeous man.
Fabian says soz.
He's still riding back from his yoga.
He likes to bounce his chakras on the peak at sunrise.
Green tea? Perhaps a naughty Fernet.
How about a scandalous little Kopi Luwak? [NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
Well, I'd love a naughty Fernet.
Set yourselves on.
Make yourselves out.
Monsieur Dugdale? Just a regular tea, thank you.
Uh I think the only other else we have is iced.
- Is she anybody? - Our speechwriter.
Just a water.
Hm, I'll have a look.
We like to rain cool the Fernet, so I might be able to drain some off.
In, in.
Walk, go.
In, in, sit, sit.
- In here? - Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
I'm confused.
Mr Pascuale said he was sending a young girl over to see me.
Oh, she's busy.
I'm Mr Dugdale's Chief of Staff.
Chief of Staff, heh? That's sounding a bit above my pay scale.
No-one's paying you anything, Mr Pomphrey.
All I can do is talk to someone for you.
Words are cheap, Mr? Call me Sonny.
Especially when billionaires are involved.
Five years for electoral fraud, Mr Pomphrey, maybe seven.
At your age, I would have thought you'd be wanting to clear your conscience.
I'll tell you what I know, but you've got to promise me you'll talk to the right people.
Speak to me.
Fabian will be here in 2.
5 seconds.
Oh, I'm so sorry for the delay.
Sunrise is so much later and my horse confusingly also called Sunrise, well, is getting older.
No, no, no.
Please, don't get up.
Don't get up.
Wonderful to finally meet you, Andrew.
- You too.
- Mrs Dugdale.
- Catherine, please.
- Of course.
And you've met my in-house resident artist, major-domo, general Factotum, Reese.
You know, he did all of these.
Oh, yes.
If I had half your talent, you'd still be twice as talented as me.
I paint what I see, I leave out what I don't.
Well, I see you also love beautiful things, Andrew.
Yes, yes, I suppose so.
"I suppose"? I know not suppose.
Why She is beauteous, calming, bountiful and very pleasing to an eye not so easily pleased.
Oh, that is wonderful.
Who said? Me, just then.
I hope you don't mind me saying how wonderful your wife is, - Andrew, you old cock.
- No, you're quite right.
I guess I'm just used to her.
That's why I never married.
No, I didn't want to be jaded by things of beauty.
You know, I like to mix it up a bit.
- In, out, shake it all about.
- Yes, yes.
No, no, I appreciate my wife's beauty, don't I? I mention it now and then.
Occasionally, in passing, you know? If it comes up.
But I don't tend to think of my wife is a beautiful thing, you see.
I would kill for an almond zeppole.
Reese, if you wouldn't mind.
Oh, but you fast on a Thursday [SHOUTS.]
Like I give a fuck what I do! Get me a fucking biscuit! [HYPERVENTILATES.]
Oh, and some for our guests as well.
- Oh, no, no.
We're fine, honestly.
- Are you sure? Yes.
I get all funny when my sugar levels drop, you know? - Really? - And how about for you, girl? Hm? Would you like something to go with? What is that? Ditch water? Actually, I wouldn't mind using your toilet, if that's OK.
Yes, of course, of course.
It's just there.
Well, I wonder if I might use another one.
- As well? - Instead of.
It's just I don't think the water agreed with me and It's a perfectly good toilet.
It's a TOTO Washlet 8350S and it speaks back to you if you speak Japanese.
- No, no, it's not that.
It's just that I think it'd be a little embarrassing.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
Well, it's so close.
Well, I would have thought with the urgency that the propinquity of it would have been an advantage.
But, as I say, I'm a little uncomfortable about Look at the charming face she's pulling.
Come on, we're all friends here.
I hope.
Come on, Ellen, aren't we? What's the problem? Yes, is it some sort of phobia, Ellen? No!, I've got a bout of volcanic diarrhoea coming, alright? Not only will you all hear me filling the toilet, but I imagine the stench will be Oh, yes, alright, there's no need to spell it out.
Just go through there, up the stairs - and down the hall and to the right.
- Ta.
You're shitting me! I wish.
But how did you know the money came from Fabian Silver? Who else would have wanted the ballot paper stolen? Yeah, but the 4,000 found in your house were for our side anyway, weren't they? What about the 2,500 that weren't accounted for? What about them? Didn't you get that key? No-one knew who was going to win the election, as it was, it took a month to work it out.
A by-election was the safest way Silver had of ensuring there was someone in the seat who wasn't sitting on the wrong side of the chamber.
Hang on, hang on.
What key? So, as you can see, it's all well above board.
It's just not sound business to give every little detail on the eve of before an election.
You know how the media dissemble - things and the people lap it up.
- I know, I understand.
We're bankrolling a park.
And we need something to offset it.
I don't want to charge people a fee to walk through nature.
So we sell a few bottles of spring water.
You know who had the lease on the aquifer before uh? - Coca-Cola.
- Disgraceful.
Yeah! They're for the visitors.
Vale tudo was popularised by circuses in Brazil in the 1920s.
There's next to no rules.
I like circuses.
My favourite part is when that lady stands on the horse.
- Get that for me, will you? I've got my hands full here.
Who's "Total Fox"? That's from before I was married.
Hello, Ellen, what's the 411? Myles, what do you know about the CMI H2D home safe? [LAUGHS.]
Ellen, Ellen, what don't I know.
No, what do you know? CMI H2D Yeah, yeah, Le Guard 3750 digi-electronic lock, 12 millimetres steel door, grey interior, a little felt carpet.
Why is that? Do you want to buy one? - No, I want to break into one.
- 'Cause my uncle has - What? - I want to break into it.
- Do you know how to crack a safe? - Ellen, I have waited my entire life to be asked that.
I'll meet you at upstairs window, rear of the house, - top left, western corner.
- Roger that.
Do you know how to crack open a safe? Yeah.
Right, grab the stepstool and follow me.
How big is it? I don't tend to think about it in those terms.
I mean Reese, what would you say it was? Oh, 200,000 square kilometres.
Fuck me! I seldom get out there these days.
I much prefer the scale of this place.
There's something quite beautiful about riding through it at harvest time, you know, to see what nature brings forth.
- It's quite humbling.
- Yes.
Oh, yes.
You know what I'm talking about.
You have a farm, don't you? Well, yes, but we have a sewage farm, so it's not quite so humbling come harvest time.
Yes, yes, but I know what you mean, Fabian.
We have a number of native birds that like to settle on the treatment ponds.
You know, the herons and the grebes and what have you.
Herons and grebes.
I would have thought you would've been more dotterels red-necked stints.
Oh, yes, them too.
Up here and to your left.
Get a proper ladder.
- What? - Sh! Can't hear that either.
We're going to need a proper ladder.
We've got to go and get a proper ladder.
We're very artistic on my side of the family.
Fabian, I sing and my daughter does too.
Some more biscotti, please, Reese, prego.
I'll see if we have any left.
As a matter fact, my daughter is singing tonight at the Whaler's Inn.
Mm! It's just a silly little sort of dinner and a show thing, but you'd be more than welcome to come along.
Only as your guest and of course, with your husband's permission.
Yes, of course, you can have my ticket if you'd like.
You know, Ellen and I have to work on the speech for that thing.
Oh, the big town hall debate.
Yes, I'm looking forward to that, Andrew.
Actually, where is Ellen? Perhaps one of us better check on her.
Make sure she hasn't fallen in.
Oh, into Reese! Reese! Now, try pushing the hash key again.
You see? If at first you don't succeed, try and put away.
Oh, treasure! I'll go check if the coast is clear.
- I opened that.
- Definitely treasure.
I did that.
I George Christiensen in a onesie.
Andrew, your wife's an absolute treasure.
Yes, yes, she is.
Reese, you're driving me to this do tonight.
We'll take the Panamera Hybrid, yeah? [SLAMS PLATE ON TABLE.]
BBQ Shapes! I wouldn't feed them to a grebe.
Well, he's right, I wouldn't have fed them to a grebe either.
I think you're missing the point.
I didn't miss the point.
I landed on a sprinkler head.
But that surely can't be the only reason all of you got arrested.
No, but Mr D took us home and give us a talking to.
ELLEN: Can I say the next bit about what we stole from the safe? Would you like musical accompaniment, Ellen? No, I'm good.
Anyway, we got back to the office, brought Sonny up to speed and then got a good dressing down.
But tell him about the key.
Myles, will you forget about that key and pay attention while undressing you down?! I am ashamed of you all.
Particularly, you, Ellen.
- I expect it from these two, but you! - I just thought you'd "I just thought.
" You didn't think, did you? That was the problem.
If you'd stayed downstairs instead of feigning an onset of volcanic diarrhoea, you would have learned that Fabian Silver is simply an eccentric billionaire, seeking redemption with the only tools available to him.
- And you're one of those tools.
- Exactly.
And if handled with care, no-one gets hurt.
Everyone's stands to win with this arrangement.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Including you, Andrew.
This is a list of compulsory land acquisitions Fabian Silver's has got planned for next year.
All the low-lying wetlands to the South-east, including Chigwell sewage farm.
What does he want a sewage farm? Well, he likes herons and grebes.
What, enough to pay 15 million? Yeah, yeah, that does seem a bit much, doesn't it? You win the election, sail up and move to Canberra with enough in your pocket to keep you quiet if things go pear-shaped.
Yeah, but it can't be a bribe if I don't know about it.
- Well, you do now.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yeah, but I wasn't supposed to.
But it would've looked like you did.
And now that you do, we've got to make it look like you never did.
And do something about it.
Look, I'll tell you what we need to do.
We need to get these documents back to Silver's before he notices they're missing.
Where's Henry? - Oh, he's at some Comic-Con.
- A what? Well, the Fishman from Hellboy's there.
- Henry's a big fan.
- Fishman? Abe Sapien.
Silver'll be with Catherine tonight at Carol's recital.
We could be in and out in 20 minutes with no-one the wiser.
You should have nothing to do with this, Andrew.
- Let me handle it.
- No.
Do you think that Watergate would have turned out so bad if Nixon had there calling the shots? - I am running this.
- But! No, you ring Henry, bring him up to speed.
- Myles.
- Way ahead of you, Mr D.
Ellen, you're our point guard, you'll be on lookout.
Curtis, you and Mr D will jump the back gate and rendezvous here at the rear entrance.
- OK, Curtis, clockwise - OK, here we go.
While I take care of the power grid.
And we will all hook up at the base camp and head for the summit, comprende? Barely.
What happens now? The key to the front door was on the lintel.
So, was it balancing on a lentil or was it like a pile of them? What's he talking about? He's thinking of a lentil.
- It's not lentil, it's lintel.
- What? Sh! - What, up the stairs? - Yeah, sure.
Just say so.
I say your name but you're not around [CROWD BOOS.]
I hear your name but you're not around I need you, I need you, I need you right now Yeah, I need you right now So don't let me, don't let me don't let me, don't let me down I'm just losing my mind now It's in my head Darling, I hope that you'll be here when I need you the most So, don't let me, don't let me don't let me down.
What are you eating, Curtis? Biscotti.
I found it under the couch.
Shut up.
Curtis, no.
That's the radio.
- That's amazing, Myles.
- Oh, thanks, Ellen.
- It's actually quite easy.
The digital combination can be accessed by pushing down the individual keys while holding hash.
You're effectively redialling whatever it was the last person that used it punched in.
Now, just a matter of remembering the hash key.
Would you hurry up? [LOUD THUDS.]
- So, did you get to meet Abe Sapien? - Who? We were just getting to the best bit.
The Fishman from Hellboy.
You know, at the Comic-Con you went to.
I didn't go to any Comic-Con, Myles.
That was a ruse.
While you were robbing our principal benefactor, I was in here talking to my snout about what was really going on.
I heard Pomphrey tell your bloke about a farm being compulsorily acquired.
- Chigwell farm, was it? - That's it, yeah.
- Mr Pomphrey might be - [MOBILE RINGS.]
perhaps encouraged to be a little bit more discreet.
- Yeah, talk to me.
- That's about it.
We've got a real problem this time.
Stuff even we didn't know about.
Chigwell farm being compulsorily acquired.
BOTH: That's right.
- But do you know how much for? - How much for? - He didn't say.
- 15 million.
Well, I'll swing by Canberra and talk to the PM.
Is there anything you want me to tell him? - No thanks.
- Not really.
In the meantime, you keep Andrew out of trouble, alright? You're worryingly quiet.
- What's going on? - I thought you were talking to the Andrew's returning the documents Ellen stole from Fabian's safe while Fabian on his out with Catherine.
What? I thought you were talking to another bloke! We didn't want to make the same mistake Nixon did.
Will you shut up?! You've put us all in a terribly difficult position here, Sonny.
Sorry, Henry, you keep dropping out.
This is all very confusing.
Can we get back to our story? Go ahead, Curtis.
Well, we got all of them documents back in the safe and we assumed that Reece bloke was away with Mr Silver when Mr Dugdale said Great, let's get out of here.
Hang on, hang on, I actually need to use the toilet.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
We've got plenty of time.
Well, that's good, 'cause I haven't finished my book.
I'm only halfway through.
It's a picture book.
I didn't schlep all the way out here for 50 bucks! We agreed 150 on the phone.
Yeah, lady, I said I'd give you one 50.
And that's what I've got for you.
One 50.
Take it up with my road manager.
Listen, bub, I worked the spotlight for Tito Jackson's Las Vegas show back in 1992, so I have seen a lot of bullshit.
And let me tell you $150 for the musical Odyssey this lady just took you on is not unreasonable.
- Damn straight.
- Nobody liked her.
Do you think anyone liked Tito Jackson that night? Barbra Streisand was there and she threw a chair at him.
But he got paid every single penny because a contract is a contract.
Alright! If it'll shut you up.
I'm deducting your bar tab.
I just had a jug of Fanta.
What about you? Six or seven mojitos.
Plus what your sister drank before she passed out on a billiard table with that guy.
My sister? She said she was your sister.
Billiard table? Clothes are on the fan, if you want to get them down.
You owe me 270 bucks.
Is that Robert Mapplethorpe? I can't tell from this angle.
Hold it right there, all of you! [TOILET FLUSHES.]
Oh, man, I wouldn't go in there for a while.
- Was it a grebe? - It was.
You couldn't be more up to your neck in it if you'd tripped over at your sewage farm.
Yeah, sorry for interrupting.
You guys are on.
Right, I shall now practise the dark arts for which I am well known and revered.
- MAN: Andrew Norville Dugdale - Sorted.
Eleanor Louise LeBlanc, Myles David Cristollo and Curtis C Curtis.
- Leave this to me.
- No, no, Curtis, there's no need.
Madam Secretary, may I address the delegates? What? For years now, I have lived among you as a visitor.
I have seen beauty in your many cultures, I've also seen the folly of your wars.
As of today, I am no longer a visitor.
The Earth is my home too.
I will rid our planet of all nuclear weapons! If it may please the court, the complainant has refused to press charges, so we're dropping the case.
Was that from Superman IV? I've been waiting my whole life for the right moment to do that speech.
Next on the court's this is indecent exposure, offensive language, urinating in public and assaulting a police officer.
Also dropped.
Thank you, Henry.
I owe you one.
That's why I'm here.
Did we miss anything? Not by much.
Court adjourned.
- Andrew Norville Dugdale.
- Shut up.
Oh! I was under the impression I'd be talking to the PM about this.
You are speaking to the PM, Henry.
The punters don't like it when we sit in the back, they think we're up ourselves.
So what are we going to do? What can we do? Cut him loose.
Bloody hell! What's happened? I told him not to change the aerial on the bus during a thunderstone, but he didn't listen.
- Ugh.
- I'll get some aloe Vera.
The 2,500 ballot papers.
What do we do? You know how to walk, Curtis.
You know how to walk.
Come on.
Curtis! Sit.
No, no! Curtis, no, Curtis.
Rita, Rita, can you give me a hand, please?
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