The Ex-PM (2015) s02e05 Episode Script


1 (ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS) True, it gives this country a massive Kyoto carbon offset, which is good for growing business.
And, yes, it doesn't cost you, the taxpayer, a cent, but more importantly, this forest produces oxygen.
And you can never have too much oxygen.
- Hang on.
- Tell me.
I don't think that's accurate.
Yes, too much and you get too high, according to The Sweet.
Yes, well, to be fair, Sweet were singing about love.
Just pick one issue, you've only got 30 seconds.
Yeah! It's on Facebook, Dad.
You want likes, not people clicking on the pop-ups.
Oh, alright.
What do we think they'll go for.
Jobs and growth, hip-pocket or breathing? - ALL: Hip-pocket.
- Really? - Well - And certainly not jobs and growth.
That tested through the floor.
Yeah, well, to be fair, it hasn't been used a lot lately.
No, it's etched into their psyches.
Don't say it, Dad, they'll hate you.
Where's Curtis with the sandwiches? Three-minute rule! Sorry, Curtis, I misjudged the top of the door.
No, no, my fault.
I should have insisted on a larger loan vehicle.
They do look nice, though.
What's on this one? Is that the pepitas? I think it's just a bit of gravel.
What about nature is free, that way you cover two bases.
I definitely think we could be someone who stands for that.
- "Nature is free.
" I like that.
- Who's next? That'd be me, Barry.
- Mr Dugdale.
- Yes.
What is your position on migrants coming here and taking our jobs? Are there any jobs to take? I'm not sure it'll help to point that out.
Can I just say that any influx of refugees in this community is not going to have an adverse effect on employment opportunities? That wouldn't be lying.
Don't say 'adverse', it makes you sound snooty.
And I'd leave out 'influx', 'community' and 'opportunities'.
Well, he's got to say something.
You've just left him with 'of', 'into', 'this', 'will' and 'not'.
Not's is too negative.
I'd lose it.
Look, this is a local election focused on the voters' hip-pocket.
- Now don't overthink it.
- OK.
You're a smart guy in a small town who fights for the rights of the downtrodden.
Alright, well, what's the tone? Give me a movie.
- The Godfather.
- Vanilla Sky.
- Rashomon.
- Rambo.
Wog Boy 2: Kings of Mykonos.
- Rita, what happened to your? - Don't ask.
You should say what you believe whether anyone asks you or not.
Why shouldn't he say what he believes? He doesn't know what he believes.
Well, I know what I believe privately.
I'm talking about what I believe publicly.
- There shouldn't be any difference.
- Well Corinthians, Ellen.
I've got to be all things to all men.
Don't quote the Bible.
Remember what happened last week.
Yeah, well, I remember we kept the damn McKendrick Report off the front page.
- Right, where is he? - Still in the classroom.
Afraid this lot are going to lynch him if he tries to make a run for it.
They really don't look like the lynching type.
Don't believe it, Mr D? On the way here, Ellen and me saw a bunch of kids with sticks laying into someone they'd strung up earlier, didn't we? Well Beaten him so badly, he barely looked human.
In fairness, it was a pinata.
Shouldn't I be avoiding this sort of thing? Henry says it'll keep the McKendrick Report off the front page.
Where's Sonny? I told Andrew I'd meet him at the deaf school five minutes ago.
Well, Rita says we've got to move all these.
Yeah, but can't one of the others? I mean Now, look, I have long since worked out that it's not worth arguing with Rita.
I have to call a cab! Well, Catherine'll be here in a minute and you can take hers.
What's in these, anyway? Small-bore ammunition.
Oh, well, do we need any of that round here since Malcolm Roberts moved to Canberra? She'd better get here soon with that cab.
You know how he gets.
It's only another dozen or so of these and we're done.
Crazy Joe wants to know if he can keep one of the Grant Denyer cut-outs.
Apparently, the cardboard he's been sleeping on has gone mouldy with his own filth.
- Go for your life.
- Hang on, hang on.
Is that the impression we want to give our constituents when they visit? Some homeless man sleeping in our doorway on top of Grant Denyer? Yeah, good point.
Ask him if he'll duck down the road to the hairdresser's.
Will you go down the road to the hairdresser's? (MUMBLES) It's not far, you can't miss it.
- Six, eight.
- I think maybe eight of those.
Oh! They're much bigger.
They're slightly bigger, we might need a hand.
Is my office ready? - I've got to hit the phones.
- Almost, Mum.
Have you read what this bastard McKendrick is saying? Ix-nay on the anguage-lay, Um-may.
Ha! Thank you and goodbye! Wait, wait, wait! Oh Fuck! Well, have you? Just the bit where he reckons Dad's a war criminal.
That's exactly why we need to focus on distraction today.
Have we got any Blu Tack? - Here, use this.
- Oh, thank you.
Arol-cay, my office-nay.
(DOOR OPENS) Fuck! Is someone looking after you? Shh, shh.
Yes, I'd like a taxi, please.
The deaf school.
(SHOUTS) The deaf school! Henry's right.
If there's a camera around this week, we really should be in front of it.
Well, Dad's got the protest covered.
The only other thing happening are those Siamese twin cows that got born in Cambooya.
Carol, if the journos get to page 673 of this thing, they're going to be saying that your father is worse than Tony Blair! Me being photographed with yet another mutant born in Cambooya is not going to be knocking that off the front page.
They're joined at the horn.
I need something that is going to give me column inches I need.
(WHISPERS) Column inches.
Why the second desk? Dad said I could move in here with you.
Where is your father? Where is father? He'll be here in a minute, Mr Vole.
I tell you, those dinosaur bones were put there to test us.
Mr Dugdale, thank God you're here.
See? You do believe he exists.
Mr Vole, what are you doing here? I'm secretary of the Parents and Friends Association, Mr Dugdale.
When my duties at the bank permit, I assist with the volunteer teacher program.
A role, which I love, but which I suspect will be soon wrested away from me, given I was the one who foolishly listened to my wife and accepted your wife's recommendation that your so-called driver tutor the children in geography.
Curtis, you don't know anything about geography! You can barely back out of the driveway with the Sat Nav.
Presumably, that's why he choose instead to teach the children Climate Change Scepticism and Creationism, two subjects which are most definitely not on the curriculum.
I see.
Parents value the separation of church and state round here, Mr Dugdale, and this is a state-funded school.
Funding that we now stand to lose unless we diffuse the situation.
I've got nothing against palaeontology, I'm just saying the science isn't in yet.
- Have I missed anything? - (MOBILE BEEPS) - Where's Catherine? - (MOBILE BEEPS) - What the hell? - Mr Dugdale.
Hang on, hang on just a minute.
Rita Rita, what's this? - It's a 12 o'clock.
- Who's Bertha Quickly? - Actually it's Quigley.
- Quigley.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my husband's handwriting is as terrible as his eyesight.
Well, thanks for seeing me instead.
Well, as First Lady, it is my duty to step in whenever my husband is indisposed.
Isn't that right, Carol? Mum! I'm trying to put out a fire here.
Carol looks after our PR.
Oh That's nice.
Well, no duty is beyond the First Family, Mrs Quickly, no matter how menial.
It's Quigley.
Now, could I get you a little something? Oh, no.
Coffee or some tea? Well, I'd love a iced coffee milkshake if it's not too much trouble.
Of course.
Carol, would you be a darling? Yeah, right! Like I don't have enough going on right now! And one for me, too, please and quickly.
My blood sugar is dangerously low.
- Right, fine, I need money.
- Oh, for No, the numbers are good.
No, the McKendrick Report is really just a blip.
Nobody cares about who lied about what in Iraq.
It's all a long time ago.
Old news.
Just put that anywhere, Crazy Joe.
Nobody up here reads the national press anyway.
And nobody anywhere if it's the Australian.
We just need a good, you know, feel good local story to knock it out of the first three pages of the Murray Darling Downs Gazette.
After that, there's no room, it's mostly Bunnings ads and sport.
Henry! If you're not doing anything, could you please pop down to the shops to get three iced coffee milkshakes? And a boysenberry yoghurt.
And a muffin.
Just excuse me.
I'm speaking to the Prime Minister.
It's an emergency! I'm sorry, I will have to ring you back.
I've got my hands full here.
No, it's the daughter on this occasion, but you don't want to get on the wrong side of her, either.
(SHOUTS) I'll need some money.
Mum'll fix you up out of petty cash.
Yeah, right.
No, sorry, I was talking to her.
Are you a religious woman, Mrs Dugdale? I very nearly became a nun.
I'm just a junior quality control officer at Stacklerod Biscuits.
Millions of shortbread scoot by me every day, not to mention Anzacs, Vovos, wafers, ginger nuts, custard creams, macaroons, digestives, Jammie Dodgers, ladyfingers, stroopwafels, Tic Tocs, Monte Carlos, orange yo-yos, butternut snappies, fudgies, animal crackers and moulted fig arrowroot snappies.
Go on.
Well, the machine never acts up, Mrs Dugdale.
Mr Stacklerod sees to that.
But last week, it extruded this.
Fuck me! Precisely what I thought.
The exact shape of the Virgin Mary.
What was it supposed to be? - A Florentine.
- Really? Anyway, we rang the church to see if it was a miracle or something and they got onto the Vatican and they said it had to be authenticated, so they sent over Cardinal Bell to have a look at it.
Cardinal Bell or Cardinal Pell? Cardinal Bell, Cardinal George Bell.
- Completely different other person.
- I see.
Anyway, he flies over here, business class, has a look at the biscuit and reckons, no.
So, you'd like me to intercede? A miracle would really put this town on the map, Mrs Dugdale.
It'd put that bloody forest in the shade, that's for sure.
And imagine the pilgrimages.
People lining up to gaze at the blessed likeness.
And hopefully, buy edible replicas on the way out.
Is the cardinal still here? They're having an open day for parishioners at the priory.
He flies back tomorrow.
Then we haven't a moment to lose, Mrs Quickly.
As soon as my daughter gets back with our milkshakes, we're going to go and pay this Cardinal George Bell a little visit.
See if we can't convince him to see reason.
I can't think what's keeping her.
(ELECTRONICA PLAYS) Domenica-nica-nica over the land, he plots along He sings a little song Never asking for reward He just talks about the Lord He just talks about the Lord Dominica-nica-nica over the land, he plots along He sings a little song Never asking for reward He just talks about the Lord He just talks about the Lord Dominica-nica-nica Mr Vole, as a man of science, you are no doubt aware of the B theory of time in which space-time is described as a four dimensional block.
I'm only a big manager, Mr Dugdale.
Now, if as the B-theory postulates, there is no objective flow of time and past and future events are all occurring simultaneously, then it stands to reason This is your fault.
You're always on him to be himself.
He's not being himself.
He's being Spencer Tracy in Inherit The Wind.
No-one's heard of that movie.
You should have gone with something more accessible.
- Like Rambo.
- Shut up.
8 billion years old.
Perhaps the earth was created in seven days as the Good Book contends and the sun that revolves around it on the fourth.
Testify! You're not helping.
- What? - You're not helping.
Just sit down.
Thank you, Sister, I Oh.
Cardinal Bell? Oh, Mrs Dugdale.
Oh, I'm afraid you've missed all the fun.
I am sorry about the state of the ground, too much raspberry cordial, I'm afraid.
One little tyke even derailed the Holy Ghost train.
(TRAIN WHISTLES) Oh, but where are my manners? Come inside and I'll change into something a little less frightening.
- Here we go.
- (HIS SHOES SQUEAK AS HE WALKS) - MAN: What do we want it? - (ALL SHOUT DIFFERENT ANSWERS) - When do we want? - (ALL SHOUT DIFFERENT ANSWERS) Parents and friends.
Parents and friends, please.
As chairman of the committee, I'm pleased to report that we have reached a compromise.
Boo! Mr Curtis will be forthwith dismissed as a volunteer teacher at this institution, but effective immediately, we will be reinstating him as school bus driver for field trips.
The first one is to Drayton's so-called Natural History Museum, followed by a theatre in the park performance of Godspell unplugged.
Now's your chance.
Just think Henry Fonda in The Ox-Bow Incident.
I don't think anybody's seen that, but I'll give it a try.
People, please.
I implore you, where is your humanity? The last time I looked, we lived in a pluralistic society where a multitude of world views could happily coexist.
MAN: Speak Australian, dickhead.
A society in which radical agnostics and moderate atheists could put aside their differences and rally together to find something in common - an intolerance of those who not only assure God exists, but will not allow for the possibility that he doesn't is something to be celebrated! I think we got away with that one.
The sentence was so poorly constructed I don't think they followed it.
(CHURCH BELL RINGS) Regrettably we live in secular times and now the Church has to compete with computer-generated phantasms and the sick taste of the dark web.
A sweetie? No, I'm good.
You know, if you'd have told me when I first entered the seminary, oh, 50 years ago, that I was going to have to dress up like some psychotic clown in order to get the attention of the children in my parish, I'd have laughed insanely in your face.
That's precisely why we're here, Cardinal.
What better way to restore the majesty and wonder of the church than with a divine miracle? Oh Miracles.
Much harder to prove these days, Mrs Dugdale.
In the old days, it was much easier.
People were not educated.
They'd believe anything.
But now, of course, everything is on that Wikipedia.
Oh, come on.
You fudged the stats for Mary MacKillop.
Oh, now Getting that woman canonised under the German was hard enough, but the new one would be onto me like a shot if I walked in with a mutated Wagon Wheel.
Please, your Eminence, I beg of you.
Oh, Bertha.
Why didn't you come to me first? We did come to you first.
What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you had come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your uncle's life, he'd be suffering this very day.
I'm not following.
Some day, and that they may never come, I'll be asking you to do a service for me.
Eh, but until that day, I suppose I'd better have another look at this biscuit.
- Yes, sure.
It's just over he - (MUNCHING) What? Oh, now, don't worry.
We'll keep an eye on her and if it cures her asthma, then I'll fill in the report.
(MUNCHES) Charlie, you work every day at my sewage firm alongside young Bill here, don't you? I do, but my name is Larry.
And mine's Bob and I actually work at the Nandos on Snail Street.
And Betty Sue, didn't I see you making eyes at young Felipe here at that tractor pull last week where I was there to judge the most fabulous spoon competition? I told you to leave my wife alone, Felipe, you wog bastard.
(SHOUTING) My point is that we can all live together in peace and harmony.
That we're all the same if you ignore our differences.
Human shield, human shield.
Get behind me, get behind me.
- Andrew, we need to go.
Let's go.
- (SHOUTING) (TASER SOUNDS) Well, thanks, everyone.
Although, if it wasn't for you, the biscuit would have never been destroyed, along with the town's best chances of a prosperous future based on fanatical religious tourism, but at least I know you did your best.
I'd better go tell everyone what happened, I suppose.
Bye! See you.
Oh, I'm sure they'll understand.
After all, this is a holy thing that we've tried to do and if there's one thing I know about the people in this community, it's that regardless of which lapped branch of Christianity they hail from, religion isn't as important as being Australian and giving everyone a fair go.
(ANGRY CHATTER) Myles! Myles! Sit down.
I'm thinking, I'm thinking! OK? - Myles! - Rita! Myles! Rita.
Let me in.
Honey, if things start getting rough out there, just deploy this pepper spray.
Just open the door and let me in.
Yeah, I'm just saying, if you get stuck out there for whatever reason, we don't get time to help you, then just flick the safety on top and push down, like so.
Obviously, I won't do it now because it won't (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Curtis, start the bus! Who's got the key? Have you got the key, Sonny? - It's alright.
Which one is it? - Myles, wake up you Wake up.
HENRY: On the plus side, this should keep the McKendrick Report off the front page.
The milkshake! Oh, fuck! I think I broke my arm.
(ANGRY SHOUTING) Well, it's a good point.
We should avoid religion entirely.
- Especially Islam.
- You know how they get.
You know, in 1966, when Time magazine asked is God died, my old dad said to me, he said, "If God is dead, then we should mourn his passing "for never shall he walk among us, "never should he lead the way and never shall we see his light "but for those who think they carry on his work.
" - Oh, that's beautiful, Henry.
- We won't be able to improve on that.
Look, it's nice, but I think we should leave it out.
- Oh, but, Dad, it's really good.
- No, no.
No matter how well-intentioned it is, no matter how well expressed it is, any statement about God is going to be misinterpreted by some nut job.
No offence, Curtis.
None taken, sir.
(CRUNCHING) Goodness, those pepitas are tough.
Alright, whoever wins the debate next week is going to be the new MP for Murray Darling Downs.
Anyone here want to be working for the guy who comes second? - ALL: No, sir.
- Alright, well, crank it up, Barry.
- Mr Dugdale.
- Yes.
After personally escalating a peaceful protest into a riot at which your office manager tasered school parents objecting to their children being taught by your unqualified and brain-damaged bus driver, why should the people of Murray Darling Downs put their trust in you? Barry, you've got to have a little faith.
Hey, everyone! Look what I found outside the hairdresser's.
Holy Father, hello.
He hung up.
So, the really interesting thing that came out of the focus group was that when you were prime minister in the lead up to the last election, everybody hated you.
Yeah, and when you lost the election, they all felt sorry for you.
You were much more popular.
Well, what am I supposed to take away from that? What, in order to win the by election, I've got to lose the by election? Or look like you're losing.
All I need is a phone and a fake Twitter account.
Oh, this is really good, Dad.
Oh, yeah, that's perfect.
You look like a total loser.
No, he's not going to take it.
See? Now, try and look more pathetic.
Yeah, like that.
Ugh, such a creep.

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