The Fall Guy (1981) s02e11 Episode Script

Happy Trails

(FINGERS SNAPPING) COLT: # Well, I'm hot the kind to kiss and tell But I've been seen with Farrah # I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine! # I've been on fire with Sally Field Gone fast with a girl named Bo # But somehow they just don't end up as mine # It's a death-defying life I lead I take my chances # I die for a livin' in the movies and TV # But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies # Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee # I might fall from a tall building I might roll a brand-new car # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star (FINGERS SNAPPING) # I've never spent much time in school But I taught ladies plenty # It's true I hire my body out for pay # Hey, hey # I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs Blown up for Raquel Welch # But when I wind up in the hay It's only hay # Hey, hey # I might jump an open drawbridge Or Tarzan from a vine # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine # COLT".
Probably the most fun I had in all my years in Hollywood was getting asked to do the stunt work for one of my all-time heroes, Roy Rogers, in his brand-new television special.
What about your backup man? Is he all right? Howie? Howie's fine.
Just fine.
(GUNSHOT) (WHINNEYING) Oh, my God! I killed Roy's horse.
I killed Trigger.
Without the right backup man, your life could be on the line.
Oh, I trust Howie in any emergency.
You sure his nerves won't crack under pressure? Howie's got ice water in his veins.
- Colt, I gotta talk to you.
- Yeah, in a minute.
No, it won't wait a minute.
This is a crisis.
Excuse me, Al.
Ice water, huh? Kid, what's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Oh, Colt, please don't say that.
I didn't mean to do it.
Do what? What's wrong with you? I was practicing twirling the pistol, and it went off.
SQ? So I shot Trigger.
You shot Trigger? What am I gonna do, Colt? He must be worth millions.
How am I gonna pay it back at 50 bucks a week? No sense putting it off.
We'd better break it to Roy.
Roy's gonna hate me.
Roy doesn't even know that word.
Roy! Can we see you over here a minute? Sure.
I shot Trigger.
The smartest horse in the movies, a cowboy's best friend.
What's happening? Howie, he shot Trigger.
It was an accident, I swear it.
Can you ever forgive me? No problem.
I'll just have to get another horse.
(ROY WHISTLING) Hey! That's his best trick, kid, playing dead on the sound of a gunshot.
SALESMAN: Bet you never felt anything like it.
FRANK: No, this is state of the art.
Yes, sir.
That's it exactly.
State of the art.
You know, I've sold every kind of car there is.
This car is superior to any of them.
One drive, and it sells itself.
Not with a rattle like that in the back.
I don't hear anything.
Are you kidding? There it goes again.
(RATTLING) I don't see anything.
Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Come back here! Hey! Hey! Let's go to the Cantina! I feel like such a fool.
Everybody was in on the joke except me.
Never mind that.
You'll get a chance to make it up.
- Are you clear on what you have to do? - Sure thing.
Right after lunch, I'm gonna go into town and buy the stunt car.
COLT: Good.
Get you back here just in time for the gag.
HOWIE: Oh, yeah, no problem.
Unless that guy tries to jack it up like he did last time.
Now, don't start with me, Jody.
I've bargained with the best of them.
I know every trick in the trade.
Rutgers Business School.
You remember the deal? How could I forget? I've seen you do it 100 times.
You buy the car.
After we smash it up in the stunt, we sell it for junk.
HOWIE: The movie company gives us $6,000 for the car and the stunt.
If we can do it for less, we get to keep the extra money.
Trust me, Colt.
It's as good as done.
Under control.
No problem.
Why do I always feel queasy when he feels confident? Thank you.
Kid, take care of this, will you? Bye, Howie.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to be nosy, but I couldn't help overhearing you talking to your assistant.
My Oh, Colt.
Yeah, we work together.
That's what I thought.
I bet you've got yourself some stories to tell, huh? Well, I've had my share of harrowing experiences, I'll say that, yeah.
Yeah? Say, did I hear right? - You're gonna smash up a car? - Yeah.
That's right.
Isn't that awfully dangerous? Not for pros.
I'd give anything to be able to handle a car like that.
Don't even think about it.
Either you've got the touch, or you don't.
It reminds me of a time when I was a green kid, just starting in the business, you know.
Well, this car would be fine except for one small problem.
It's too good.
What do you mean? Well, we only use cars that have pretty much had it.
There's no way I could afford to pay for a car in this kind of condition.
My friend, I think you’re judging a car by its cover.
I mean, this car's been through hell and back.
It was stolen.
A couple of punk kids.
By the time we got it back, the engine was burnt out, the rear end was about to fall out.
Well, it's gotta hit the ramp going 80.
Oh, that it can do.
A couple of times.
But after that Well, after that, who cares? It's gonna be a pile of junk, right? Right, right.
All right.
I like you guys, but I'm gonna have to get tough.
You know, business is business.
The best I can do on this is $3,000.
But I'll go 50-50 on the junk salvage rights.
That'll come to another $1,000.
Oh, you are tough! No, he's too tough.
Let's go.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! 3,500.
That's my best offer.
$4,000, and you keep the salvage money.
You got a deal.
I'll write you a Exchequer right now.
- Check? No, we can't take a -Why? What's wrong with that? Nothing's wrong, nothing.
Check will be fine.
I've got an idea.
You've got a branch of your bank down in Glendora.
- A couple of miles from here.
- Yeah.
You can take your Exchequer down there, cash it, we'll all be in the clear.
All right.
Let's go.
The license number is 1GLO207.
Run it through the stolen-car list right away, huh? Yeah, I'm checking out every Porsche on the road.
MAN OVER MEGAPHONE: Okay, rue Roy Rogers.
All right, cut.
Twenty-two brings us to the next shot.
Get the horses ready.
All right! You heard him.
Let's get lined up for the next shot.
MAN: Okay, wranglers, bring it over here.
MAN 2: Hey, Paulie, we need props for the next What is this thing, Al? That's a car ramp.
Al should know.
He was the first to develop this car ramp.
- What does it do? - It doesn't matter.
We're not doing it.
Not "we".
You'll be doing Roy now, remember? And I play the bad guy who hits the car ramp and tips over.
Roy, my vote is still no.
What it does is flip the car in the air, turn it around a couple of times, make it land on its roof.
One wrong move, and it's all over for your stuntman.
Well, if it's that dangerous, maybe you ought to listen to him, Colt.
Al's done it before.
I'm gonna do it now.
Then I'd better handle it myself.
Colt's the stunt coordinator.
He has the last word.
COLT: Hey,jumping cars over ramps is practically a way of life for me.
Roger, and bingo! Stolen, huh? He must be one of our car thieves.
All right, I'll stay back.
He could lead me to the main operation.
MAN OVER RADIO: $94-$40.
Got one of our car thieves headed your way, fast.
- I'm on him.
- Yeah, stay back.
I'll watch him from here and let you know when to move in.
Okay,Jody, it's very simple.
What you're gonna do is ride the buckboard to the end of the street at a nice, leisurely pace.
just be sure you don't go near the jumping ramp, or it'll flip you over.
MAN: What's that chopper doing here? MAN: Hang on, Jody! The horses are spooked! JODY: Colt! - Colt! Help! I can't control them! - Hang on, Jody! Roy! Roy, don't! Get out of here, you jerks! What, are you crazy? You spooked the horses! Whoa! Help! Help, Colt! Help! Whoa, boys! Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, God! Help, Colt! Don't worry, Colt, I'll save her.
COLT: Howie, stop! The car ramp! HOWIE: The what? COLT: The car ramp! The ramp? The ramp! JODY: Howie! Help! Help! JODY: I can't hang on! Roy! Colt! - Colt, you get the horses! I'll get Jody.
- Help! Jody, get ready to jump! NOW! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Roy, you're still my hero.
- Thank you, honey.
(COLT EXCLAIMING) Don't worry, Colt.
I'm okay.
Yeah, well, I didn't ask.
You're under arrest.
Huh? Under arrest? For what? Auto theft.
I just bailed you out, and let me tell you that Wait, don't say it.
I know how desperately worried about me you must have been.
But it's like everything that you ever taught me flashed before my eyes.
Your words came tumbling out at me.
"If something goes wrong in the middle of a stunt, "protect your vital organs, your head, your heart, your" I know.
And that's what I did.
Like the well-oiled precision machine that you developed and taught, I did everything I was supposed to.
just - You're really steaming, aren't you? - You noticed.
All right, I goofed.
But it was an honest mistake, and it could've happened to anybody.
If you'll just take a reasonable perspective on the situation, you'll see Howie, this may be the last sane statement that I'm gonna make, so listen carefully.
- Okay, Colt.
- Shut up! - But if I - Please! HOWIE: Colt? You know I got that car for only 4,000 bucks, don't you? I still don't know how they suckered you out of the movie company's money.
Well, they didn't exactly.
You didn't pay for it? No, I paid them.
I just didn't use the movie company's money.
- Your own? - No, I didn't have enough.
Well, where'd you get the money? Us.
Us? You mean our joint account? Well, it was a sure thing.
I wanted to surprise you and use our money instead of the movie company's.
We would have made $2,000 profit in one day! Do you know what that money represents? Eighteen stitches along this elbow, a mule's kick in the stomach and a lot of loose teeth! Talk about loose teeth, I almost got mine knocked out.
Just too bad I couldn't get that telecommunications equipment out in time.
What are you talking about? Well, the guy who owned the car put in some special business equipment so he could talk to his branch offices all over the world on a direct line.
Are you responsible for that, too? Well, we are.
We are? Well, when they questioned me, they asked me where I got the money, and I had to tell them it came from our joint account.
They seemed to think that makes you an accessory.
How much? Some of the equipment's still good.
It didn't get broken in the wreck.
- How much? -4,000 bucks.
4,000? 4,000 plus 4,000 is 8,000! I don't believe it.
And we still have to buy a car? $8,000? That's it, right, huh? $8,000? There's one more small thing.
- How much? - Well, when the insurance company found out that the car had been stolen and then destroyed by the buyer, they claimed that they were no longer liable.
Well, if they're not liable, who is liable? We are? Howie, do you know how much a car like that costs? You're telling me.
It's highway robbery! Somehow, some way, Colt, I'm gonna get that money back.
Trust me.
Where's the other car? Right here in my pocket.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? $4,000.
We sold it to a motion picture company as a stunt car.
Well, they'll find out it's stolen.
- Hey, no way, they're gonna total it.
- I don't know.
No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Business-wise, this makes sense.
Costs us $1,200 to repaint and alter a car to make it unrecognizable.
Transportation to Mexico is another 1,100.
Commission to our representative down there is 800.
We sell it for 6,000.
Net profit, 2,900.
That's 4,000, and no handling.
All right, I get the picture.
Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it now.
Let's get back to work.
We got orders to fill.
I don't believe it.
That's Pat Buttram! Lookit, that's Bart Maverick! Yeah.
I thought he was killed in Tombstone.
- I don't remember - HOWIE: The Virginian.
HOWIE: And he's got Trampas with him! Wow.
The hours I spent in front of the TV, watching these guys.
So that's what the problem is.
Are you kidding? Those were the days.
Everybody knew who the heroes were.
There were good guys and there were bad guys and there was no in-between.
Here, watch.
- The Rifleman, remember? - Practice, Howie.
Boy, they're all inside of here.
I gotta meet these guys.
Always respect a star's sign, okay? That's not for me.
That's for outsiders.
JACK: Call that, Buttram, and raise it 10.
BUTTRAM: I'll call.
You in, McClure? MCCLURE: Are we using real money? JACK: Yeah.
JACK: Yeah, but since when is Robert E.
Lee on a $20 bill? MCCLURE: Have you got some more money? You hear that? It's a poker game.
I'll fit right in.
JACK: And stay out, kid! Jack Kelly! Bart Maverick! I used to watch you all the time when I was a girl.
What are you now, a boy? - Is that what I look like? - Hardly.
Are you old enough to have a beer later? I'll age fast.
You just don't know how to approach stars, Howie.
BUTTRAM: Come on, jack, you playing poker, or what? Cut, cut.
Sorry about that punch, Al.
You're gonna be a lot sorrier! Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hold it! - Hold it! -Wait What? COLT: I'm sorry about that punch.
He's your friend.
Let's face it, Colt, it wasn't your fault.
He was supposed to duck under that punch.
- Yeah, maybe.
- But he was too slow.
- It doesn't matter.
- It does matter.
And I'm gonna tell Roy.
Come on, forget it.
Nobody needs to be blamed.
You wanna bet he's not laying it on you? Come on, Al.
Forget about today.
Let's start thinking about tomorrow's work.
You were against me doing that stunt from the beginning.
Not against you.
I was just surprised to see you wanted to do it.
Well, thanks a lot for the vote of confidence.
I'll handle him.
Al, I saw what happened.
- Yeah, he hit me in the mouth.
- But your mouth shouldn't have been there.
You say I'm slowing down? What I'm saying is get off of Colt's back.
He's got enough problems of his own without worrying about you.
Those car thieves have taken his partner pretty good.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) HOWIE: There's only one place I can think of staking them out, and that's back where I met them.
It's them, all right.
Look, Colt, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you.
- It's only money.
- No, I mean between you and Al, too.
That wasn't your fault.
That was strictly Al's problem.
- What do you mean? - Let me put it this way.
There's a story about Joe Louis.
Somebody asked him if he knew when he was finished, and he said it was during the Billy Conn fight, the 12th round.
He saw an opening, and he hit Conn right on the jaw and knocked him out.
I don't get it.
He won.
But he saw the opening, and then hit Conn.
In his prime, his fist was there first.
COLT: All right.
You and Roy better get back to location.
- What are you gonna do? - Try and get our money back.
No way.
I lost it.
I should get it back.
Hey, they know you.
Besides, I need you to go back to the movie set to work with Roy on the special.
What are you gonna do, Colt? I don't know.
Play it by ear.
Is that a good idea? No, but with Howie, you don't get much choice.
(sum SHOTS) Get him.
Don't let him get away! MAN: We got him now.
He's got no place to go.
Uh oh.
Hi, fellas.
Sure glad you happened along.
Who is he? COLT: I'm a stuntman, shooting with the picture across the canyon.
Yeah, he works for the kid that bought the car.
- Get rid of him.
- Wait a minute.
You're making a big mistake.
I came here looking for you.
Too bad you found us.
We could make a fortune together.
I got plenty of partners.
Not like me you don't.
You see, I'm going to need 23 cars in the next two weeks.
Top dollar.
No questions asked.
No one will ask where they come from.
If you were looking for us, Why'd you run? Well, it's a bad habit, I guess.
I'm scared of bullets.
What do you do around here, shoot first and ask questions later? Just shoot.
You got one minute to make your pitch, then we stop talking.
MORGAN: We generally process two cars a day.
Yeah? What are they worth? Up to 6, 7,000 a piece in Mexico.
Less bribes and shrinkage.
How many never make it all the way? Look, what I'm offering you is clean and safe.
- Kid paid 4.
All right, 4.
What about salvage? The kid told us about that, too.
Well, the kid is a good bargainer.
That'll bring another 1,000.
I got one problem.
How do I know I can trust you? The 12th Commandment.
Greed overcomes all doubt.
What do you got to lose? I'm the one driving the stolen car, I collect the money.
I take all the risk.
- When can you start moving them? - Right away.
We're getting into a show with enough stunts that'll total 23 cars.
This salvage bit.
The junkers could check the cars out as stolen.
Not where I do business.
We still gotta check you out.
Don't get any ideas about leaving.
MAN OVER MEGAPHONE: Okay, let's get ready for Roy Rogers' Tumbling Tumbleweeds.
Roll them! Cue Roy! (SINGING) # See them tumbling down # Pledging their love to the ground # Lonely but free I'll be found # Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds # Cares of the past are behind # Nowhere to go but I'll find # just where the trail will wind # Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds # I know when night has gone # That a new world's born at dawn # I'll keep rolling along # Deep in my heart is a song # Here on the range I belong # Drifting along with the tumbling # Tumbleweeds # There's something important I want you to do.
More important than counting our money? Nose around the movie location.
Check out Seavers.
- Is something wrong? - That's what I want you to find out.
- Listen, this setup sounds perfect.
- Too perfect.
Get going.
Hey, Virginian! We got a problem.
Trampas, let me tell you something, kid.
We don't have any problems.
Kid, have you looked at me lately? I'm old enough to be Trampas' father! It has been awhile, hasn't it? Yeah.
You know, Jim, I miss the old days.
The fun we used to have, the guys we used to hang out with.
Remember old Darryl Combs, Gary Combs? His son is doubling me.
I know.
Those were great days, Doug.
Those men were real, down-to-earth.
Hey, Gene.
Mr Autry, I got to talk to you about something.
You're a little mixed up, Pat.
I'm not your sidekick.
I'm the Virginian.
- I'm the sidekick.
- Oh, yeah! Hey, tell me something.
What's your real name? That's it.
The Virginian.
What do they call you for short? The Virgin? It's the heat.
It's got to him.
You know, I take it back.
I don't miss the old days.
Come on, Doug, let's have a drink on today.
- I don't drink any more.
- Perrier.
I think that turned out just fine, don't you? Oh, yeah.
It's like my youth parading in front of me.
Thank you.
- Oh, God.
- What is it? The Sheriff's helicopter spotted Colt's truck in Sagebrush Ravine.
Do you think the car thieves realized he was out to nail them and get the money back? Well, I hope not.
- Where are you going? - Cross-country! It's shorter! What do you think you're doing? Just checking over the cars.
Frank tells me you told the mechanics not to change their appearance.
They're exactly what I need for the first part of the stunt.
Why change them? I'm only gonna wreck them anyway.
They'll be on television.
The owners could spot them.
Oh, I can see you don't know much about television.
By the time the show is shot, edited and gets on the air, it could be months.
Besides, they're not one of a kind, anyway.
What about the next batch? I'll just have to judge them as they come in.
Good enough.
Come on! Git.
- He's not here.
- That's good news.
And some kind of car with dual wheels.
Maybe they have Colt.
Can we follow them? No, our best bet is to split up.
We'll cover more ground.
Look, if you find something, don't do anything until you get back to me.
This is my home country.
Okay? Come on! - Something on your mind? - Yeah.
You know, something just doesn't smell right here.
Yeah, well maybe the wind changed back on you.
Yeah, or maybe you're just here to collect that reward that's on us.
What? A few bucks compared to all this? Since when is 25 g's a few bucks to a burn like you? This one's all right.
Let me try another one.
MAN: Morgan! - I wanna talk to you.
- In a little while.
No, right now! I just got back from the movie location.
Your hunch was right.
We got ourselves a rotten apple.
Who else knows we're here? Nobody knows, but they found the truck.
Frank! Over here! It's the kid.
Keep your eye on him.
I'll get Morgan.
We better have a little talk with our new friend.
Fred, Tom, get him! I wouldn't try anything if I were you, Seavers.
- His pal's on the way.
- All right.
Take care of him.
- Let me finish him off.
- I'll take care of him.
(sum SHOT) He's handled.
Let's go.
HOWIE: Help! Help! Help! Howie! Help! Roy! Down here! Hold on, Howie! When I get set, hold your hand up as high as you can.
You mean you want me to let go with one hand? Only for a second.
There you go.
Hang on tight, Howie! This might hurt.
Easy boy, easy.
Back up.
That was a close one, Roy.
- You're shot! - Yeah, but it's not serious.
Any bullet wound is serious.
We must be getting awful close.
They were anxious to keep me away, Roy.
Listen, we've got to get you to a doctor and have him check that out.
What about Colt? He's next on the agenda.
You think you can ride? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
MORGAN: We'll put as many cars into the truck as we can.
Then each one of us will drive one out.
A caravan out the back route.
- That's twice as far.
- And twice as safe.
And what about him? We'll take him with us.
He can drop in on his friend.
Howie! What happened? Howie found the car thieves.
Somebody bring the location doctor here right away.
- Where's Colt? - I don't know.
But we know he's in trouble.
ROY: Call the police and tell them it looks like those car thieves are holed up in a canyon about eight miles from here.
We've got those car rustlers so rattled that they could be on the move.
I'll go with you.
Howie, you go get the police.
- Howie, you better sit this one out.
- Yeah, but Colt's in trouble.
This way you can help him most.
Come on, guys! Colt's in trouble! Wait for us, Roy.
We're with you! - Hell, I'm not gonna be left behind.
- Hey, wait for me.
Come on, Pat.
- I'm not gonna miss the big one, either.
- You're not leaving me behind, pard.
Not after I carried your series for nine years.
I gotta warn you, fellas, there could be some shooting! What did he say? He said there's gonna be some shooting! - With real bullets? - That's what he thinks.
You know, I'm a gambler, not a fighter.
Hell, I was born to bite bullets! Lead on, Roy! - It'll be neater and cleaner where he's going.
- You bet.
Morgan, look! Let's get out of here! Now, where do you think you're going? Drop it.
I'd like to thank the members of the Academy Oh, no, you don't! Oh, if Jim Garner could only see me now.
This is for Roy! And that's for Gene! And this is for Ronnie! And this is for me! You all right? I never felt better.
What are you doing? Watching all my old heroes.
I wonder if they'd consider bounty hunting.
They'd sure make a hell of a team.
They're doing all right.
- They sure don't need us.
- Yeah, only for the tough stunts.
ANNOUNCER: Lad/es and gentlemen, The Roy Rogers Stuntman Special, with jams: Drury, Doug McClure, jack Kelly, Pa? Buttram, and starring Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys.
With an entourage of Hollywood's best stuntmen, featuring Colt Seavers and Al Barton.
Thank you.
Thought you'd enjoy the tape before the others got here for the party.
More important, I'm glad the reward money got you even on the car.
Well, I still think you and the others should have shared in it.
Are you kidding? After all the fun we had? Wait till you guys hear about the deal I just fell into! - No.
- Well, why not? I can't afford it.
That's a heck of an attitude.
Roy, you look like the kind of man who Howie, you'll have to talk to my business manager.
Well, I guess I might as well start the party.
# Happy trails to you # Until we meet again # Happy trails to you # Keep smiling until then # Who cares about the clouds it we're together #1115? sing a song and bring the sunny weather # Happy trails to you # Until we meet again # (TRIGGER SNUFFLING)