The Fast Show s04e01 Episode Script

The Last Fast Show Ever Part 1

You ain't seen me, right? Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here between the legs of a beautiful woman in the gynaecology department of a teaching hospital? With my reputation? Don't they realise I specialise in heart conditions? Although it does appear to be winking at me.
Chocks away! (gasps) ( American accent) Where am I? What year is this? Who's the president? Argh! Well, here we are, Peter.
This seems to be a good spot.
A little rain, but no matter.
Here is your rod.
A good rod.
Once belonged to your Uncle Gregor.
Here is my rod.
Carbon-fibre blank, floor-grade cork handle, Fuji intermediate rings - British-made, of course.
I got it from Farlow's of Pall Mall.
It's brilliant, Dad.
Can I use it? No.
This instrument is far too delicate to be handled by a novice.
You wouldn't expect Schumacher to let you drive his car.
- No, but - Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die.
Do you know who said that? - No.
- I did, just then! Isn't it wonderful, Peter? Just a father and son sharing a joke by the water.
- Actually, I heard a joke at school, Dad.
- Not now, Peter, we are fishing.
(coughs) Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.
Nice.
The jazz world was rocked, or rather jazzed, to its very core this week by the death of Smoke Stacksman, better known in jazz circles, of course, as Trevor Worthington.
Tragedy.
Trevor's early career was undistinguished, but following his conversion to being a Belgian, he recorded a series of groundbreaking albums Yowsa! .
.
such as Don't Stick Your Finger In The Soup, Sister, If The Soup's Still On The Boil, and Don't Stick Your Finger In The Sister, Mister, If The Sister's Not On The Boil, and Don't Stick Your Finger In The Boil If Mister's Still On The Sister.
Brother.
His death is a great loss to the world of jazz.
Goodbye, Trevor.
Blow your horn and enjoy that big jam in the sky.
So much for dead jazz.
Now onto living jazz, the jazz of today! Contemporary.
Or should I say, "the jazz of tomorrow" Dot com.
Ooh.
.
.
as I introduce you to a dot combo who go by the unusual name of The Boxwell Heath Archery Club.
Let's go and meet them.
Excuse me, cats.
Ah, wow.
Look at those bows.
Nice to have you on the show.
Thank you.
So, The Boxwell Heath Archery Club How did you come by such a distinctive name? Because we're an archery club from Boxwell Heath.
Humorous.
So, would you say, then, that you play an innovative blend of jazz and archery? I suppose so.
Er, minus the jazz bit.
So you're just an archery club then? Yes, we're just an archery club.
- So you just arch? - Yes.
- So what are you doing here? - I'm as bemused as you.
When we arrived, the fellow who was setting up He, er, he said, "Just fire your arrows at the instruments there.
" "It'll make as much sense as most of the rubbish we have on here.
" Oh, he did, did he? Right.
Well, what are you gonna play for us, guys? I don't know.
We thought we'd make it up as we went along.
Great.
So, here they are, then - The Boxwell Heath Archery Club with their own composition, an improvisation around the theme of target practice.
So, guys, fire away.
(feedback) Great.
Hello, yes.
I wonder if you could spare a few minutes.
No, I'm busy.
I'm just reformatting my hard disk.
Oh, I won't keep you long.
My name is Chris, right? I'm a little bit werrrr, a little bit weyyyyyy, a little bit (makes whooshing sound) I'm dodgy.
I'm a geezer.
I will nick anything, right? And I'm in the area doing a bit of customer relations, right, because I'm trying to put a human face to burglary, you know? 'Cause, let's face it, burglary's had a bit of a bad reputation lately, hasn't it, eh? And a lot of people have been dissatisfied with the type of service they've been getting, so I'm here to offer you a fully bespoked-up personalised burglary service.
The Chris the Crafty Cockney, a little bit werrrr, a little bit weyyyyyy, millennial break-in service.
Well, what do I have to do, then? Well, you and me have to sort out your own personalised burglary plan.
First of all, there's the deluxe option.
Er, for that, I just do your motor.
That's what most people go for.
- Right.
- Then there's your gold service.
For that, I do a full security survey, inside and out, right, so that I don't do any damage when I get in, and we can arrange a convenient time.
You could be on holiday I don't know what you get up to, mate.
But that way I don't do any damage when I get in, I don't disturb you and I don't get shot.
- Then there's the platinum service.
- What's that? For that, I make sure that my mate Vernon don't shit in your bed.
("Ground Force" theme tune) Buono estente! Io ton klabbi tabbi ton baynger mit ton Germaine Greer.
Gwynethethethethethethethethethethetheth Paltrow.
Sminki pinki, con mesto ton patio, Herman.
Ton patio este lente, lente.
Nice Dimmocks! Today I'll be mostly holding my breath till I faint.
(heavy thud) Good morning, Paul.
Swiss, you're back.
Er, how are you? Things are going to be different around here, Paul.
This is year zero.
I have taken control of my life.
I have come to terms with my wife leaving me, my business dying on its arse, and all my hopes and dreams turning to dust.
Because, Paul, I have been in therapy.
Right.
I'm not sure I could handle that.
You know, being forced to think about yourself.
Well, you know what they say, Paul.
Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful wo No.
No, it's not.
The main thing that I have learned, Paul, is that I have to stop seeing everything in terms of making love to beautiful women.
There is more to life than fine wines and Belgian chocolates apparently.
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep, dark holes and hand over all your money.
If all else fails, try drugs.
Yeah, well, it's good to have you back, Swiss.
Shall I tell you something else I've learned, Paul? Women are people too.
Yes, I'm as amazed as you are, Paul.
I nearly fell off the couch.
They're surprisingly like us.
In all people, there is a balance between the masculine and the feminine, Yin and Yang.
Mars and Venus.
Torvill and Dean.
The net result is, Paul, I am now in touch with my feminine side.
Right.
What does that mean exactly? It means that I am wearing ladies' underwear.
Now, it's very important, Peter, not to get too downhearted early on.
Some days you can wait an eternity for a bite.
You know, sometimes it's as if the fish are mocking you.
Dad, look.
I've got a bite.
Don't get too excitable.
It's probably just weed.
No, I really think I've got one.
Right.
Hold taut, hold taut.
Give him here, give him here.
Hand it over.
Give it to me.
Give it to me! Hand it over! Blimey, she's a beast! No, you've lost him, Peter.
(chuckles) You black, are you? I tell you what, that's the hardest game in the world, innit, being black, eh? I know, 'cause I was black myself.
30 years, man and boy.
Yeah.
(Jamaican accent) Irey! See? Oh, yeah.
I mean, I had to give up my BMW in the end.
I kept getting pulled by the police the whole time.
I was studying to be a doctor as well.
Right.
So you were, er? You were black, were you? No, not really.
I was just trying to make conversation.
I didn't think you'd be interested in fishing or Frank Sinatra.
Well, actually, I quite like a bit of Frank.
Oh, right.
Can I get you a drink? - Yeah, yeah.
Go on then.
- OK.
(mutters) Do you want a pint? You a woman, are you? What you think about them old pashminas, then? They're all old bollocks.
What you think about that old Fabien Barthez? Well, he's all old bollocks, ain't he? Sir, might I interest you in a splash of Syrup by Terry Wogan? - No, thanks.
I don't wear one.
- A wig? I never suggested that you did.
It's absolutely clear that you don't.
I wouldn't dream of being so bald, er, bold Although I do think sir would be well advised to consider a wig or perhaps toupee of some description.
Because let's face facts, sir is beginning to gleam more than a little, yah? - Not so you'd notice, I don't think.
- Oh, well, if I may be candid for one moment, I personally was practically blinded by the glare from your balding pate as you passed by.
It was like being caught in a nuclear explosion.
- I don't have a problem with it, OK? - You're fooling no one but yourself! A gentleman who does not take the trouble to disguise his devastating loss of hair does not deserve any female attention whatsoever! But then again, maybe you're a poof.
No offence.
("English Country Garden" on organ) Hello.
(clears throat) Hello there.
Welcome to the last ever episode of Country Matters (coughs) .
.
with me, Bob Fleming.
(coughs) Excuse me.
And would you now welcome somebody new to the show.
It's Harold Laaaaby (coughs) .
.
and you've, er, you've brought along some medicinal leeches.
Yes.
Hello there.
Hello there, Bob.
Now, the scientific term for these is Woof! Woof! Woof! Cocksucker! The interesting thing is that a lot of these old country practices are coming back into fashion, aren't they? Yes, Bob.
I have some other examples here.
I have some St John's wort, er, some marg Woof! Woof! Woof! Cocksucker! Well, they noticed that (coughs) .
.
with the maggots, didn't they (coughs) .
.
in the First World War (coughs) .
.
maggots I'm sorry, Nick.
I-I don't think I can carry on.
(Nick) What is it? What's the matter, Bob? I'm welling up here a bit, Nick, what with it being the last show and all, and I You know, I thought it would be nice if my old chums would come on.
I know that none of them's available, what with them all having shows on the Discovery Channel now, but I thought it would have been nice if Ah, hello there! - Surprise! Surprise! - How are you, Clarissa? Now then, we couldn't let today go by without making a special presentation to you to mark 40 years in British Atchoo-hoo-hoo! .
.
television.
That's right, Bob.
We just wanted to say thank you for the pleasure you've given us over the Arse! Well, you know, what can I say except (coughs) Oh! Yes, you've (belches) .
.
been the voice of the countryside for (farts) .
.
an entire generation.
Woof! Woof! Woof! Cocksucker! Arse! Atchoo! I don't know what to say, fellas.
This really is a marvellous (coughs) .
.
surprise.
And I might have known you'd come - Whoo! - (all gasp) # For he's a jolly good fellow # For he's a jolly good fellow # For he's a jolly good fellow # And so say all of us (coughs) I tell you what, I'd better put this down before I break it.
(all swear / cough / belch / fart at once) Where am I? What year is this? Who's the president? Arggghhh! - Am you lost? - No, no, no, no.
I've studied the maps and I intend to walk down towards that tree.
- Lovely old tree.
- Yes.
You'm a brave man.
No, no.
I've done this sort of thing many times before.
I have no fear.
You should have fear.
There's plenty of dogs with real vengeance in their hearts lives down there.
I'm a fully experienced rambling hiker and I always embark prepared.
One blast on this old friend will seriously deter any fierce dog from tangling with me.
I simply raise my hand like this (duck sound) Absolutely terrifies them.
What about owls? There's plenty of owls round here.
And badgers.
What about badgers? I simply raise my hand like this, lift my warning hooter to my lips and (quack) What about a slithering thing? What? A slithering thing.
It might be Death.
Slithering things often are.
What use would your fancy crimson hooter be then? Eh? Eh? What about a slithering thing with an owl?! Thanks very much.
I'll be on my way.
What about an eel? What about eels with mighty wingspan? Eels that can fly! (long quack) (man in Cockney accent) They was all in on it.
Tommy Pockets.
What he didn't know about villainy you could write on the back of a pack of crisps - if you could write, which Tommy couldn't .
You mug! You muppet! You're knocked, you mug! You slag! You 'avin' a bleedin' laugh? Then there was Davy Hairbrush.
The brains behind the operation - except he didn't have none.
You mug! You muppet! You're knocked, you are! - You mug.
- You slag.
- You mug.
- You slag.
- You mug.
- You slag.
- You mug.
- You slag.
- You mug.
- You slag.
- You mug.
- You slag.
- Mug - Slag.
And you definitely wouldn't want to mess with the Cardinal.
You muppet! You mug! You're knocked! You can sing fer ya money.
Boys, guns, nice suits, clubs an' motors.
But what about ladies? Well, they was never far away.
- Come on, let's go and rob a bank.
- Oh, all right.
Can I take my top off now? Then there was Cokey Dokey and Billy Brain Damaged.
They was just a couple of idiots.
No one knew why they was in the film at all.
You've put half of Peckham up your hooter! He's shoved Kings Cross up his nose! He must have stuck half of Tower Hamlets up his hooter.
It's 'cause of you we got mugged off.
What, that rotter? He turned up at my cousin's funeral wearing white jeans.
And I am very (gunshot) .
.
angry! The maggot! You (gunshot)! I should (gunshot) .
.
kill you! George, Pont De La Tour.
Starring Rhys Ifans, Percy Perce, Tristram Public-School-Poof, Owen Unconvincing, Rhys Ifans again, Kathy Burke and Graeme le Saux in "It's A Right Royal Cockney Barrel Of Monkeys!" That's six.
I'm beginning to enjoy this.
Don't get cocky, Peter.
You're not an American.
- Sorry.
- I can see what's happening.
I'm on the wrong side of the current.
I let you take that swim 'cause you're a novice, but my line is lying in what is known as a "fallow pool".
The water is not oxygenated enough.
What is more, you're casting a huge shadow over the water and scaring all the fish like a complete amateur.
- Do you want to swap places then? - Don't you patronise me.
Right, come on then.
Time you had the feel of a man's rod, although it's defective.
As soon as we get home, I'm taking that back to the shop.
- We're swapping, then? - Will you be quiet? It's a wonder there's a fish within a million miles of here with your constant yapping.
- Big Issue.
- (man) Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Big Issue.
- Bless you.
- Will you stop doing that, please? - Sorry.
Sorry.
Big Issue.
Gesundheit.
(posh accent) You mug! You slag! You muppet! You're knocked! Cut me and I bleed jellied eels.
We've out-Cockneyed the lot of ya.
We was mugged right orf.
He must have put half of Knightsbridge up his nose.
You tell 'em, Duchess.
(didgeridoo plays) Hello there, and welcome to That's Amazing! with me, Carl Hooper.
Later on on the show we're going to meet a lady whose fish rides a bicycle, but first up, all the way from over there, meet Bryan Ferry.
You're not the Bryan Ferry, are you? - Yes, I am.
- What, the Bryan Ferry from Roxy Music? - I am Brian Ferry and I'm not anyone else.
- Well, sing us a song then.
Oh, no.
I see what you mean.
I'm not that Bryan Ferry, but I have a similar name.
- Similar? It's identical.
- It's spelt differently.
What have you got for us? Something amazing? Indeed I do, Carl.
It's a loaf of bread that never goes stale.
- A loaf of bread that never goes stale? - Yes, indeed.
It reminds me of a bloke we had on once before.
I'll never forget him.
Davy Monroe.
Jeez, I've had some planks on this show, but that guy really took the biscuit.
He claimed to have an everlasting pen which never ran out of ink.
I've never heard of him, Carl, and I never saw the show, and I'm not him.
All right.
I never said you were.
Now, this loaf of bread.
Is it in the bag? Yes, it is, Carl.
Are you ready? Wait.
How do we know you've not bought that bread fresh today? No, Carl, I promise you, I bought it a couple of days ago.
- A couple of days, Brian? - Yeah, look.
Here.
You can see the date on the receipt, mate.
Still as fresh as a daisy.
I think you'll find, Brian, that bread will keep for at least two days.
Really? Oh, it's not actually my area.
- Hello, Davy.
- Hello, Carl.
- What are you doing on my show? - I love you.
I've got pictures of you Security! Security now! - I even love you when you're being horrible.
- Go away.
- Thanks for touching my bread, Carl.
- Get the gimp! What about centipedes? Centipedes with all them legs.
What about centipedes from an angry place? (quack) What about ants? Eh? One might be all right, but what happens if there's many of them? What happens if there's three? Three ants! (quack) Amn't you asking, "How can I escape?" And you'm trying to find a way back to the secret door.
What secret door? Well, I'll tell you, boy! There ain't no secret door! (strangled quack) Come on! Bite! Bite! Take the bait! You obstinate bastards! I've got another one, Dad.
It wasn't the rod.
I'm doing all right with this one.
Oh.
You're doing all right with that one, are you? Good.
Come on, we're going home.
And bring all this paraphernalia with you.
Yeah, there's another setup to do.
We won't really be getting to the stunts till this afternoon.
- Guy, we need about four hours.
- Make it two.
I've just seen the stuntman arrive.
What do you want me to do with him? Tell him to park his car and grab breakfast.
- We won't need him for a while.
- (car alarm) Actually, I better tell him.
He's worse than ever at the moment.
His hearing aid's been playing up.
I keep telling him to get it fixed, but he can't hear me.
- Morning, Chip.
Turn the alarm off.
- Yes.
Right.
Find yourself somewhere to park over there and then grab some breakfast.
We'll give you a call when you're needed.
Drive the car like a maniac, wreck the motor and turn the production office into a fireball! Lovely! Let's rock! # Three men, two men, one man and his dog # Went to mow a meadow Fresh air and sunshine.
Makes you feel ten years younger.
- Yes, Johnny.
And jolly peckish.
- Did you bring any of that lovely ham? Yes, and a couple of those nice pies from that funny little man in the market.
Oh, lovely.
Isn't it extraordinary the number of different greens there are there just broken up by the white of the sheep? Yes, do you know, at first I thought they were cows, but now I hear them bleating.
# Baa baa # Twinkle little star # How I wonder what you are No, no.
I wasn't singing that.
I was Yes, you were.
The tune you were singing was quite clearly # Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder what you are No, I wasn't.
No, I was I was, erm, singing the one about the sheep.
# Baa, baa No, Johnny, no.
A star.
A tiny little twinkling star.
Just think about that star.
That tiny little twinkling star twinkling away in the night sky all on its own up there against that Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
Black! Black! Like the endless blackness of space that leads to the chasm of clams! My eyes! My eyes are pies! And yours are lies! All lies! They're here.
They're here.
They've landed on the pier.
Oh, yes? What shall we do with Father, Mother? Fold him like a ticket and poke him in a hole? Pins! Pins! Pins! Is that you in the buttons box making all that noise? Or is it black? Johnny, I think it's time we went home, dear.
- Black, black - Johnny.
.
.
black, black, black.
I was playing golf with Vinnie Jones and Chesney Hawkes, and as we approached the 14th green a tiny bunny rabbit popped out of the hole and bade us all good morrow.
Which was nice.
Ted.
Something slightly embarrassing has happened.
Yes, I I'm sorry.
I know you must find this very startling, but I would try to explain, but I'm not sure you'd believe me.
But, er, suffice to say that my my clothes are in the orchard in the possession of a swarm of angry bees which became strangely attracted to me.
My, er, house keys are in the possession of a dog which I have never seen before, as are the remains of my underpants.
And there is a goose involved, but, er, believe you me, I really do not want to relive a single moment of that particular experience so I shall draw a veil over it.
But, er, in a word, Ted, I find myself standing naked before you in need of assistance.
Oh.
Yes, but all is not lost.
I believe you have a spare set of keys to the Get off.
These angry bees really are a nuisance.
Yes, as I was saying, I believe you have a spare set of my I'm afraid I've lost them, sir.
- Ah, well, that is slightly problematic.
- I dropped them in the lower field, sir.
The lower field.
Yes, well, it is very marshy at this time of year.
Erm, but Oi! Bloody thing! - Erm, well, we have a bit of a dilemma.
- Bit of a pickle, sir.
Yes, but I'm sure if we put our heads together we can think of something.
Vodka Lively, please.
They've taken off, these ready-mixed cocktails.
- I like them.
- I don't like 'em.
I love a short, but the trouble with these new drinks is they've got coloured glass so you don't know what's inside.
Could be anything in there - E numbers, genetically modified bacon.
If there was a rat in there you wouldn't know, would you? Here.
So, is this your, erm, local then? Every day I'm in here - I go home for dinner - apart from Christmas and Glastonbury.
- Oh, you go to the festival? - No, I do a lot of burglaries that weekend.
I'm not proud of it, but it pays for my holidays.
- Got any lip balm in there? - Yeah, I think so.
Pukka.
Ooh, wild cherry, my favourite.
Your lips right dry up when you've been on the piss for three days.
- Do you want some moisturiser as well? - Er, yeah, go on.
I will.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh.
If my old man could see me now putting on moisturiser in the Slug.
Mind you, times have changed.
Male grooming's all the rage these days.
When I was young, it was my mum's birthday and I had to give her a present, yeah? So I've gone down Boots to get her a beauty product of some sort.
I was only a little ankle-biter.
I got her a Mum roll-on.
I didn't know.
I thought it was a giant lipstick.
Mind you, so did she.
Slapped it all over her mooey.
She had bad breath, so all's well that ends well.
- What are you doing in here, anyway? - I'm looking for rough sex.
- Sorry? I don't know what you mean.
- I want a shag.
That's not very nice, is it? I don't know.
It depends.
It could be.
- I've got to go now.
- Why? Er, ooh, er, seven eights are 56, nine eights are 72, two sixes are 12.
Sorry, love, when I'm under pressure I do me times table.
Look over there, it's a peanut crying.
Today I'll be mostly dangling my knob in blancmange.
Yes.
I remember about 17 years ago popping down to see a maiden aunt in, er, Guildford.
Yes.
Er, pretty dull journey, really.
Uneventful.
Took me about an hour and a half.
Roads were fairly clear.
Er, though I do seem to remember a youth on roller skates, hanging on the back of a lorry.
Looked pretty dangerous, though rather fun! Ha, ha, ha! Yes.
Anyway, I went down to see the old girl.
She's, er, knocking on a bit, but a good sort, you know? Had a spot of tea, a slice of cake, went through her portfolio, tidied up a few odds and ends, had a look at the will.
Turned in early.
You know, read a book.
Er, I have to admit that I was absolutely stone cold sober.
Anyway, got up early next morning, bombed into town.
Thought I'd stop off at the club, have a spot of breakfast, you know? So, I popped in.
There was Sir Gerald at the bar.
"Hey! Birkin!", he said, "Have a drop of this!" I said, "Hello.
What is it?" He said, "Hush, hush!" I said, "Oh, yes?" "Absinthe!" Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! (sobs) Ha, ha! Oh, yes! (mutters) .
.
like that.
(mutters) Daffodil right up the arse! (mutters) I go Pow! Pow! Before I knew it I was fighting hand-to-hand combat with my mother's favourite poet.
Anyway, I (mutters) kite over the Like that.
But it wasn't cheese at all! (mutters) Aaargh! Like some frightful Mongol warrior.
(mutters) Plom, plom, plom, plom, plom, arooga, arooga, arooga.
Trying desperately to explain the rules of conkers.
Yes.
(mutters) And these actually were wise goldfish.
(mutters) Three tiny bodies, entombed for all eternity.
(mutters) Women and children were weeping all over the place.
I mean floods of tears, you know? I I actually found it all incredibly funny! Though of course, I was, er, very, very drunk.
And the slithering thing will find you! (long, strangled quack) (short quack) Make no bones about it that, boy! That slithering thing will find you! (quack) - It'll find you! - (short quack) It'll come out of its slithery nest! (quiet quack) - And it'll find you! It'll take you! - (long, strangled quack) Sorry, sir.
I was just cupping an imaginary pair of breasts.
- Morning.
How are we today, sir? - I'm fine, thank you.
Radiant.
Radiant, as you English people like to say.
I was looking for a, uh, something in a very traditional British suit.
- You're an American, aren't you, sir? - Yes.
- You been here long? - A couple of days.
You boned anyone yet, sir? Oh! What? This suit, sir.
A pinstripe or a tweed? - I don't Maybe - Perhaps a pinstripe.
- OK.
- Oh, yes, sir.
I can see it now, sir You in your new pinstripe suit, the picture of English elegance and authority, sir, as you take your old fellow out - Oh! - and give it to some dirty bit of rough under a bridge or behind a railway siding, sir.
Oh, suit you, sir.
Ooh! - Listen, maybe I should - Are you perchance an American, sir? - Yes.
- Been here long, sir? - A couple of days.
- Banged anyone yet, sir? - Please.
I just - Because you don't usually hang around.
I remember in the war you Yanks were in like a shot.
I don't mean in the fighting - you were a couple of years too late for that - - I mean in the humping.
- Oh! That's right, sir.
You'd step down off the boat, wipe the vom from your uniform, and before you could say "God bless America" you'd be slipping it to every English rose under 70, sir.
I actually I wasn't even born No, sir, neither was I.
It's an image I like to conjure up every now and then.
The fine young strong American buck and the frail delicate English beauty entwined in a sexual ballet choreographed by the devil himself, sir.
Oh! - That's a nice image.
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh! Now, this suit, sir.
You must have kneaded some prize bazookas in your time, as you Americans call them, sir.
- What, what? - Have you ever added it up, sir? - Must be a bewildering number.
- What? - A gushing torrent of young ladies.
- An avalanche of quim.
A mountain of minge.
A cornucopia of - Suit you, sir.
- Suit you, sir.
(both) Oh! Oh! Now, sir, single- or double-breasted? Oh, I do apologise, sir, that sounded like a smutty innuendo, didn't it? Do you like a bit of smut, sir? (both) Oh, suit you, sir.
- Oh! - Suit you.
- Oh! - Suit you.
Look, will you just build me a fucking suit? Very well, sir.
We'll measure you up.
(blows to warm it up) Do you like being measured up, sir? - Oh, suit you, sir.
- Oh! Go on, Kenneth! Suit you, sir.
- Oh! - That's it, sir.
- Oh! - Join us, sir! Come over, sir.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! What do you think of that old Blair Witch Project? Ah, it's old bollocks.
(Ted) Sorry about that, sir.
I'm afraid it's the best I can do.
No, no, not at all, er, Ted.
This is splendid.
This is just the ticket.
Right, well, I shall go and force open a window, then.
- Suit you, sir! Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Would you like to come to our club? - For gentlemen.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh!