The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e17 Episode Script

What's up, Will? What happened to your Whitney Houston cutout? She fell apart in the shower.
Me and Bill gonna kick it here a few days.
My building's being evacuated due to bubonic plague.
Jazz, you're about as welcome here as Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant.
Man, just throw us in the gutter.
Looks like rain.
You got any Scotchgard for Bill? - Bill can stay.
- Forget that.
Where he goes, I go.
I mean, he's my role model.
Whenever I'm in a jam, I just ask myself: "What would Bill do in that situation?" - And what does Bill suggest? - Usually Pudding Pops.
Look, Jazz, I'm sure somebody else will take you in, man.
Nope.
Kuwaiti was my last hope.
And he suspects me of borrowing his whitewalls.
I did, but he ain't got no right to make that assumption.
Shoot, right now, I ain't even got a friend in Jesus.
All right, just hide your stuff in my closet and I'll work something out.
You won't even know we're here.
I will, however, require complete silence during The Young and the Restless.
Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold.
Not at all, madam.
It was barely a stipple.
There you go, Master William.
Thanks a lot, G.
It looks great.
Yo, Carlton, breakfast! That's it, Geoffrey.
As of now, you are off duty.
Now I want you to go up to your room and don't breathe until you get there.
As you bish, madam.
Hi, baby.
How was traffic court? There is no justice.
Just because I had three moving violations and 48 parking tickets the judge suspended my driver's license.
Isn't free parking guaranteed by the Constitution? Yeah, that's what Desert Storm was all about.
And starting tomorrow I have to do community service at the South Side Clinic.
I don't even know where that is.
Yeah, that's at the corner of Clemons and Third, right next to the nail shop.
Can't a brother get a pedicure? Has anybody seen my bathrobe? Will? No, not me, Uncle Phil.
Hey, after the last time, I just bought a car cover.
Mom, I can't find my cassette player.
Does anybody know what happened to it? Sure, blame the Black guy.
Mother, somebody took my address book.
I'd hate to think what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands.
Hola, amigos.
That's my cassette player.
- That's my bathrobe.
- That's my girlfriend.
- You're out of here, fella.
- Now, wait, Uncle Phil.
Now, picture this: A man, down on his luck Iost his woman, lost his job, lost his hope But enough about Marion Barry.
Can Jazz stay here? Not a chance.
Jazz, what Mr.
Banks means is that Geoffrey's not feeling well right now, and it's just not the best time for us to have houseguests.
Mr.
Banks, I'll earn my keep.
I'll do whatever Geoffrey does.
Geoffrey bathes.
I can learn.
Look, I'll make you a deal, Uncle Phil.
All right Jazz will help out around the house and I'll clean up whatever messes he makes.
Please? Come on, Jazz ain't got nowhere else to go.
No.
That's all right.
I understand.
If you need me, I'll be asleep under your car.
But just honk before you throw it in reverse.
All right, Jazz can stay.
All right, man.
I sleep naked with the window open.
I hope that don't bother you.
No, that's cool with me.
You're sleeping in Carlton's room.
Oh, my God, Will.
What? What is it? These people are all sick.
Get the heck out of here.
Mr.
Clifford, we're ready to check your blood pressure.
That cute little tenderoni there got my pressure so high I'm about to blow a gasket.
I'm ready to go home now.
Leave.
Now.
- Hey there, Herman.
- No, it's Hilary.
But you can call me Herman if you want to.
Hi.
- Are you here from the court? - Yes.
My name's Hilary Banks and my phone number is 555-9130.
Okay, I'd like you to start by helping patients fill out these intake forms.
I was hoping to work more closely with the doctor.
Do you have any medical experience? Well, not exactly, but I've seen every single episode of St.
Elsewhere.
Remember the episode where the handsome young doctor fell in love with the beautiful female volunteer? - Yes.
- That's not gonna happen here.
The only thing that gets Dr.
Hudson's attention is a medical problem.
Baby, what's wrong? Did they wax the floor at Neiman's again? - I twisted my ankle.
- Which ankle? It's sort of a shooting pain.
It shoots from one ankle to the other.
Luckily, Dr.
Handsome was there.
I mean, Hudson.
Dr.
Alec Hudson, M.
D.
Hi, I'm Vivian Banks, Hilary's mom.
Thank you for marrying Carrying her.
Hi, I'm Ashley.
Do you come in a smaller size? Nice to meet you.
Well, I'd better get going.
My ankle.
Unhand my woman's thigh.
It's my ankle.
Well, if you ever gave me any thigh, maybe I'd know the difference.
That's it, Jazz.
I've had it with you, man! I'm about to thank you for starching my lucky drawers.
They're so clean and supportive.
Not only that, they're bulletproof.
Dr.
Hudson, this is my nephew Will, and his friend Jazz.
- Hey, what's up, man? - Hi.
- Call me Alec.
- All right.
Malcolm's one of my heroes, too.
I idolize Malcolm.
He's the only reason I watch The Cosby Show.
That's weird.
Everyplace I've gone today, I've smelled garlic.
Hey, you didn't eat your lunch.
After I spent all morning frying the salami.
Uncle Phil, look what Hilary brought home.
He's a doctor, without a wedding band.
And, check it out, he's Black.
I wasn't always, but it was the only way I could get a scholarship.
- Alec Hudson, nice to meet you, sir.
- Philip Banks.
So, you're not married? Have a seat, son.
Jazz, I told you not to touch my clothes! And this label clearly says, "Hand wash.
" And that's exactly what I did.
Before I stuck it in the machine, I washed my hands.
Well, time for dinner.
Jazz, sweetheart, you are a guest in our home.
Now, baby, why don't you sit down and never get up? - Look, Jazz - I pull my own weight which is easier for some than others.
Look who's up.
It's Geoffrey.
Doesn't he look wonderful? Actually, I spent the last half-hour regurgitating.
Thank God, 'cause I thought you were singing.
I'm a doctor.
May I? This man is burning up.
Listen, I want you to go to bed, and you stay there.
I think we need a second opinion.
Come on, Geoffrey, I'll help you to your room.
I gotta go.
It was really nice meeting you all.
Hilary, I'll see you tomorrow? No more pain.
How can I ever repay you? I know.
Why don't you stay for dinner? There ain't enough for him.
Well, I've got to hand it to you, son.
That cherries jubilee was some dish.
She sure was.
I'm sorry I lost her number.
I'm glad you liked it, sir.
If you'd had Grand Marnier, I would have made crepes suzettes.
I suppose everybody's too full to eat the Pop-Tarts I made for dessert.
Well, Alec, son, whenever you feel the urge to cook our kitchen's always open to you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go upstairs and relax.
Just like Black folk.
Eat, then they got to go to sleep.
Well, goodnight, Alec.
It's nice meeting you.
Don't screw this one up.
Better get going.
- What's your hurry? - I gotta get up early tomorrow.
- Gotta go to the airport.
- I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.
- Peace, man.
- Peace.
Hilary, what's wrong? He doesn't even know I'm alive.
If he don't know whether or not somebody's alive he's in the wrong damn business.
Jazz, didn't you promise Bill you'd make him some Jell-O? If you want me to leave the room, just ask.
Most men find me attractive, but not Alec.
He didn't even look at me twice.
Hilary, Alec is not like most guys you date.
This dude is deep.
He's an intellectual.
He went to school for 10 years, after he graduated.
Maybe if I feathered my bangs.
Hilary, fancy hair and clothes are not gonna attract this guy.
I mean, that's the opposite of what he's looking for.
Yo, Will! Yo, no! Ah, salaam, I love you.
Hey, baby.
I'm Jazz, a close, personal friend of Bill Cosby.
Did I mention you're the only woman I ever loved? Don't mention that to my fiancée, Hilary.
Jazz, that is Hilary.
If you gave me the attention I deserve I wouldn't have to fulfill my needs elsewhere.
Anybody seen my briefcase? No.
Hilary, why in the world are you dressed like that? I hope you don't think you're leaving the house looking like that.
But this is what will attract Alec.
I'll drop you off at the clinic.
Has anybody seen my briefcase? Am I on trial here? I mean, the minute something is missing they blame the help.
No one's blaming you, Jazz.
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Will, might I see you in the kitchen a moment about a personal matter? I think I know where your uncle's briefcase is.
It got a little condensed when I put it in that drawer.
That is not a drawer, Jazz, that's a trash compactor! When Uncle Phil sees that it's gonna be a Jazz compactor! That's gratitude for you.
I work all day trying to keep this house nice for you.
I cook, and clean, and work my fingers to the bone and this is the thanks I get? Well, I bust my hump at school all day and you just sit around here watching soap operas and eating bonbons.
Well, excuse me for having a little fun.
Maybe it's because you never take me out anymore.
Maybe I would, if you fixed yourself up a little bit.
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
We sound like an old married couple.
So now I'm old? And I gave you the best years of my life.
Look, I'm sorry.
All right.
Look, I'm sorry.
Come on.
Homeys? Don't try and sweet-talk me.
And if you'll excuse me, I have a headache.
Yo! Hilary.
I like your new rags.
Course you could be cross-eyed with a rash and still take my cash.
Slow down, Herman.
Have you been taking your medicine? No, I have not, and I do not intend to.
Open up, Mr.
Clifford.
I think it's time for my second dose.
Come back in six to eight hours.
I ain't got that much time left.
I'll be back in three.
I'm sorry I was late, Alec.
I came straight from court.
I was arrested during a free-Mandela rally.
Mandela was freed two years ago.
And I, for one, want to make sure he stays that way.
Say, why don't you come over for dinner again tonight and we can discuss how to keep the guy out of jail? I'm sorry, Hilary, but I'm having a get-together tonight.
We're gonna discuss how to raise money for the clinic.
How fun! A theme party.
Well, it starts at 7:00.
If you can get there, it'd be great.
You know, it is kind of short notice.
I might have to be a little late.
Is 7:01 okay? So, Alec, it's amazing how many things we have in common.
Well, you have a beaded wall hanging I have beaded hair.
I think I'd better go before I lose an eye around here.
I'll just get out of your guys's way.
Excuse me.
Hi, Alec.
Hello.
- Hey, Alec.
- Hey, Lisa.
- How're you doing? - Lisa, this is Hilary.
- Hilary, Lisa.
- Hi, how're you doing? - Good, thanks.
- Lisa's the L.
A.
Chairperson for the National Board of Women.
I did a lot for the women's group at my college.
Really? Were you a member? Well, no.
But I did talk several of them into shaving under their arms.
Appearance has always been an important women's issue.
I think that when a woman shows too much of her body people don't notice her mind.
Well, that's a good point.
I agree.
But, on the other hand, if a woman feels comfortable showing her body she has the right to do so.
Because I know I feel comfortable looking.
And these days, fashion changes from one minute to the next.
Yeah, you know, definitely.
I see your point.
So look, why don't we just kick it over to Roscoe's Chicken N' Waffles? No, I think I'd better stay.
We're trying to raise money for the clinic, and I work there.
- Really, what do you do? - I'm a doctor.
Get the heck out of here, I'm one of them, too.
You look so young.
Yeah, well, down at the hospital, they refer to me as Brother Doogie.
You know, I think the whole idea of a woman's place being in the kitchen is absolutely absurd.
- How could anyone disagree with that? - Well, not me.
Shall we move this conversation to a less oppressive room? But on the other hand, if a woman enjoys cooking I find her very hard to resist.
Who's up for meatloaf? As you know, Doctor, when you make the vertical incision from the thorax all the way down to the groin, you have to be careful not to hit an artery.
I mean, otherwise, you get excessive spurting.
But it really reminds you of why you became a doctor when you crack open that rib cage slip your hands in all the way up to your elbows and pull out that bloody, pulsating heart.
Would you care for some salsa? I guess I was a little more tired than I thought.
Next time I donate an organ I'm just gonna let someone else perform the surgery.
Yeah, right.
I'll see you later, Doogie.
Hold up, baby.
Listen, Alec, if you're not busy Saturday night how would you like to go out for a nice little moonlight protest? Your cause or mine.
- Well, actually, Hilary, I - Alec, hi.
Hey, Danielle.
- You like my new bangs? - Yeah.
- I just got them feathered.
- Nice.
Hi, Danielle.
Alec, it's nice to meet your sister.
Danielle's not my sister.
- Cousin? - We're not related.
Are you teaching her to read? We're dating.
I see.
I guess you're not the man I thought you were.
And to think I actually touched a urine sample just to impress you.
And I lied.
I really did think Eldridge Cleaver was a big chopping knife.
So there.
Hilary S.
Banks has just jumped through her last hoop.
Really nice purse.
I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Come on, Hilary, now that's not true.
Now, what about the time that you showed up at Spago with the back of your dress tucked down inside your pantyhose? Okay, that was a bad example.
But look, all I'm saying is I mean, you've survived worse.
Jazz! I made a complete fool of myself.
I couldn't agree more.
I mean, we've been beating around the bush much too long.
Mr.
Banks, I'm willing to take Hilary off your hands.
Jazz, would you prefer a Muslim or a Viking burial? I mean, she ain't getting any younger.
I'll put a roof over her head.
I might be willing to look into a marriage license if she performs on the test drive.
Philip, get him.
What'd I do? I liked that one.
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