The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e18 Episode Script
Ill Will
- Cedric.
- Geoffrey.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, all.
Good morning.
Well, here they are.
Hot off the presses.
Move over, Kitty Kelly.
Cedric has arrived.
"Through the Keyhole: Memoirs of an Embittered Butler.
" Check this out.
Is it Cedric, or is it Patrick Swayze? Excuse me, but writing a sordid, steamy, exposé about the Randolph family is darned offensive, and we won't have anything to do with that smut.
Oh, get real.
May I recommend Chapter 7? Mr.
And Mrs.
Randolph found it particularly humiliating.
- Geoffrey, this book is dedicated to you.
- But of course.
It was Geoffrey who gave me the idea in the first place.
By the way, how are your memoirs coming along, old boy? Allow me to see you out, Aunt Blabby.
Will, go to school.
Aunt Viv, I need a nighttime sniffling, sneezing fallen and I can't get up medicine.
Will, you are burning up.
Philip, he really is sick.
Baby, is it your throat again? Vivian, don't let that boy con you.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Now, you know what the doctor said.
One more throat infection and those tonsils have just got to come out.
I'm all better.
It's a miracle.
I got no more fever I got no more fever Aunt Viv? - Yes? - Catch me.
Hello.
I'm Vivian Banks.
I believe my nephew, Will Smith - has been assigned to this room.
- Smith? Oh, yes.
Tonsillectomy, tomorrow morning.
All righty.
And where is our brave little soldier? I keep telling you, I ain't sick.
I'm not sick.
Sweetheart, now you know what Dr.
Bennett said.
Those tonsils have just got to come out.
- Now there's no reason to be afraid.
- Who are you kidding? Why do you think they wear masks? So they can't be identified.
And why do you think they knock you out? So you don't see them drinking margaritas over your open stomach.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the gift shop.
Hey, thanks a lot, Hil, that's real nice.
Well, sometimes a girl just has to treat herself.
Your overnight case, Master Will.
I've packed everything but your pajamas.
Where do you keep them? - Well, I usually keep them inside the - Don't answer that.
It'll be in Geoffrey's memoirs and Urkel will play you in the TV movie.
I'll just wait in the car.
Will, this might be a good time for you to put your John Hancock on this.
"I, Will Smith, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath" - Yo, what the hell is this? - It's your peace of mind, my friend.
Let's say you die.
Do you want just anyone to get their hands on that $323 and 15 cents you have hidden under your LL Cool J hat? I ain't think about it like that.
Can I see that, Carlton? Sure, Will.
I hate to break up this Hallmark moment, but visiting hours are over.
Okay.
Well, you better get some rest, we better get going.
No, Aunt Viv, no! Please can't you just stay one more itty bitty teenie weenie moment? Don't leave me here, Aunt Viv.
Two bottles of beer on the wall Two bottles of beer If one of them bottles should happen to fall How many bottles of beer on the wall? One bottle of beer on the wall One bottle of beer I'm afraid you really have to go now.
Yo, can we finish our song, please? One million bottles of beer on the wall One million bottles of beer Zowie.
It's showtime at the Apollo.
You don't get out much, do you? Dinner time.
Look like somebody already ate this.
Faster, faster, faster.
Come on, faster.
- Max.
- Yeah.
Running around like this could be fatal.
So, you'll die and I'll get another nurse.
Nurse, nurse darling? I dropped my lucky hat.
Would you please pick it up for me? Thank you very much.
Beautiful.
I never forget a face.
Max? Why do you call this your lucky hat? No reason.
Hey.
Hi, kid.
Guess you're my new roommate, huh? Well, good.
Man, when I get old I hope I get as much action as you.
Heck, next week I hope I get as much action as you.
- Will Smith, tonsils.
- Max Jakey, everything else.
Sweaty palms, kid.
First timer? Man, you must be tripping.
I was 15 when I first - You mean surgery.
- Yes.
Relax.
As long as you got a good doctor, kid, what could go wrong? And now you'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna cop a sponge bath.
- Max, you're supposed to be in therapy.
- I played there 40 years ago.
Bad theater, lousy audience.
- Will Smith? - Yeah.
- I'll be performing your surgery.
- Whoa.
No, you won't, man.
I want my regular doctor.
When can I see Dr.
Bennett? In five-to-10 years.
Oh, come on, relax.
I'm Dr.
Baylor and I'm eminently qualified to perform this operation.
Where are my glasses? Oh, hell.
Nurse, did they close up Miss Henderson yet? Never mind.
But check my locker for my beeper, will you? All right, Mr.
Smith, open your mouth.
- Yo, my man, your beeper ain't in here.
- Oh, come on, let me look at those tonsils.
Well, so much for golf tomorrow.
Hey, Doc, y'all just gonna take the tonsils, right? Hey, I got big plans for everything else.
Trust me.
You're in the hands of a capable doctor.
I've got to find those glasses.
God please don't let me leave here with breasts.
Max! - Yeah, what? - What do you think of the rap tape? Rap tape? Sounded like an auction.
- Kreplach? - Yo, man, what'd you call me? Kreplach.
It's a dumpling.
Hey, have a nosh.
- Yo.
Hey, Max? - Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
You all cooped up in this hospital.
Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.
Inside I feel like I'm just as young as you.
The difference is, you think you're immortal.
Me, I know better.
I don't have to waste time feeling sorry for myself.
You know what I mean? You know, you're really something, Max.
Please, don't make me cry.
I can't spare the fluid.
- Do me a favor, will you? Turn on the TV.
- Oh, sure.
Give me this.
So what do you wanna watch, Max? Man, I had forgotten how big Jimmie Walker's lips was.
Max? Goodnight, Max.
I'm very sorry, Mrs.
Peterson, we did the best we could.
But, Doctor, I don't understand.
We just brought little Billy to the hospital for a field trip.
And now he's Doctors play God, and patients get the short end of the scalpel on the next Oprah Winfrey Show.
Why aren't we sleeping, Mr.
Smith? 'Cause we in here bugging out, Nurse Petty.
Sounds like a job for Mr.
Needle.
Sorry, I must got the wrong number.
Yo, Will Smith, man, my main patient.
What's up, homey? - Doctor Dré? - Yo, man, what's happening, man? Yo, this next LP, man, has got your name written all over it.
All over it, homey.
- You know what it's called? - No.
Yo man, it's called Death Certificate, man.
Yo, man, are you ready for some dope cuts? No! Confounded! Everywhere I go, I hear the same damn music.
- That'll be all now, Nurse.
- Whoa, wait a minute, man - you ain't no doctor.
- No, but I play one on TV.
Yeah, you that dude from the soap opera.
- Hey, didn't you just die in a car crash? - Oh, no.
Right now I'm hanging precariously on the edge of a cliff and I intend to stay there until they put a window in my dressing room.
Now, let's get busy with that brain transplant, shall we? Whoa, man.
I'm just getting my tonsils out.
Tonsils don't get ratings, young man.
One of us will be right back, right after this commercial.
Gloves.
Gauze.
Scalpel.
Yo, man, you better be using that scalpel to cut some lemon wedges for Isaac.
Come on, buddy, I don't have all day.
In 15 minutes, I gotta meet Adrienne Barbeau on the poop deck.
Hey, man, I don't care if you're playing shuffleboard with Nipsey Russell.
I ain't getting cut by no doctor with knee socks.
Look, there's nothing to worry about.
I've pretended to do this operation a thousand times.
Look, this time they've given me a real scalpel.
Cool.
Man, I'm getting out of here before Dr.
Hannibal Lecter shows up.
Doctor, the patient in 214 is not responding to the medication.
What should I do? Well, Nurse, I'd run a KGB and an NAACP.
If he still doesn't respond give him an upper GI Joe.
I've got to get my real estate license.
They got some free ice-cream and cake in the cafeteria.
Well, this is enjoyable.
It's been too long since we've spent quality time together.
Daddy's right.
Can I go now? Oh, come on.
We're a family.
We should express our feelings.
Dad, let's cut the crapola and get to what's really on our minds.
Oh, sweetheart, Will's operation's gonna go fine.
Yeah.
I'm talking about Geoffrey's book.
Geoffrey can write whatever he wants.
This family has nothing to hide.
Your father's right.
Now I don't want to hear any more about it, okay? Philip, would you help me clear the dishes, please? Geoffrey knows everything about us.
If Mom and Dad find out what really goes on around here, they're going to kill us.
We've got to get that book.
The Butler's Tales, Chapter 42.
Someone get that damn door! Oh, that would be me.
All right, all right.
I hate this part of the job.
It's never for me.
Those memoirs have got to be in here somewhere.
Okay, Ashley, we're in.
Now hit the dirt and start twitching.
Carlton, we've got to find those memoirs.
I'll just die if my friends find out why Lou in Better Shoes gives me that 10% discount.
Yeah, what if my friends find out I sleep with a hand puppet? Move over, Carlton.
I don't have any room.
Will, move over.
Will? Geoffrey, we'd like to speak to you for a moment.
- He's not here, Philip, let's go.
- Not so quick, Vivian.
Do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert? Well, it never would have happened if he hadn't been five hours late.
All right, everybody out.
Come on.
What are you doing here? What are y'all doing here? And I hope them concert tickets wasn't front row.
Is that why you always play Hot Fun in the Summertime on my birthday? - Where was I conceived? - Probably at a white sale.
That's enough.
Will, why aren't you in the hospital? I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
I'm scared of going under the knife.
I mean, if I wanted to get cut I'd let Stevie Wonder do my fade.
Sweetheart, I know you're nervous about this operation but you have to believe that we know what's best for you.
The bottom line is it has to be done.
So you have a choice.
You can either be dragged in kicking and screaming or you can stand up and walk in like a man.
Now, Will, we're gonna step outside and talk to your doctor.
You've given us your word that you won't try to escape, and I trust you.
Abdulla, here's $100.
If he tries to run, sit on him.
Okay, we'll be right back, sweetheart.
Hey, so, where's Max at? Out playing doctor with a couple nurses? No, I'm afraid Max has gone to a better place.
- What? Gone? - Yeah, he went.
Just like that.
Wait, hold it.
That's his lucky hat.
Here I am acting like a little baby over a couple of tonsils.
Max had all that stuff wrong with him.
Never even complained.
So long, Max.
Hi, Will, how do you feel? Like I swallowed a weed whacker.
Oh, hello there, Master Will.
I've brought you something to read.
- What is it, G? - My memoirs.
- Give me that.
- Let me have it.
Mom, you scratched me.
I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.
I've just come back from my literary agent and the memoirs have been rejected.
Hey, I'm sorry, G.
What'd your agent say? I believe he referred to it as "Sominex in a dust jacket.
" Hi, kid.
Max.
I thought you died.
In Pittsburgh I died.
It wasn't my fault.
I was opening for a seal.
Wait.
The nurse said you went on to a better place.
I did.
Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
They've got cable.
Actually, I just came back to get my lucky hat.
I'm glad you're okay, kid.
You know, maybe we could hang out sometime.
Maybe.
If you were a woman and I had a prostate.
See you around, kid.
Wait, Max, you're forgetting your lucky hat.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
I forgot the hat.
Tell you what, kid you keep it.
Oh, Nurse? Kreplach.
It's a dumpling.
I got kugel here.
Tsimmes, latkes.
Jewish Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.
And I chewing on the What you got to go through for a lousy $100,000 a show.
English
- Geoffrey.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, all.
Good morning.
Well, here they are.
Hot off the presses.
Move over, Kitty Kelly.
Cedric has arrived.
"Through the Keyhole: Memoirs of an Embittered Butler.
" Check this out.
Is it Cedric, or is it Patrick Swayze? Excuse me, but writing a sordid, steamy, exposé about the Randolph family is darned offensive, and we won't have anything to do with that smut.
Oh, get real.
May I recommend Chapter 7? Mr.
And Mrs.
Randolph found it particularly humiliating.
- Geoffrey, this book is dedicated to you.
- But of course.
It was Geoffrey who gave me the idea in the first place.
By the way, how are your memoirs coming along, old boy? Allow me to see you out, Aunt Blabby.
Will, go to school.
Aunt Viv, I need a nighttime sniffling, sneezing fallen and I can't get up medicine.
Will, you are burning up.
Philip, he really is sick.
Baby, is it your throat again? Vivian, don't let that boy con you.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Now, you know what the doctor said.
One more throat infection and those tonsils have just got to come out.
I'm all better.
It's a miracle.
I got no more fever I got no more fever Aunt Viv? - Yes? - Catch me.
Hello.
I'm Vivian Banks.
I believe my nephew, Will Smith - has been assigned to this room.
- Smith? Oh, yes.
Tonsillectomy, tomorrow morning.
All righty.
And where is our brave little soldier? I keep telling you, I ain't sick.
I'm not sick.
Sweetheart, now you know what Dr.
Bennett said.
Those tonsils have just got to come out.
- Now there's no reason to be afraid.
- Who are you kidding? Why do you think they wear masks? So they can't be identified.
And why do you think they knock you out? So you don't see them drinking margaritas over your open stomach.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the gift shop.
Hey, thanks a lot, Hil, that's real nice.
Well, sometimes a girl just has to treat herself.
Your overnight case, Master Will.
I've packed everything but your pajamas.
Where do you keep them? - Well, I usually keep them inside the - Don't answer that.
It'll be in Geoffrey's memoirs and Urkel will play you in the TV movie.
I'll just wait in the car.
Will, this might be a good time for you to put your John Hancock on this.
"I, Will Smith, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath" - Yo, what the hell is this? - It's your peace of mind, my friend.
Let's say you die.
Do you want just anyone to get their hands on that $323 and 15 cents you have hidden under your LL Cool J hat? I ain't think about it like that.
Can I see that, Carlton? Sure, Will.
I hate to break up this Hallmark moment, but visiting hours are over.
Okay.
Well, you better get some rest, we better get going.
No, Aunt Viv, no! Please can't you just stay one more itty bitty teenie weenie moment? Don't leave me here, Aunt Viv.
Two bottles of beer on the wall Two bottles of beer If one of them bottles should happen to fall How many bottles of beer on the wall? One bottle of beer on the wall One bottle of beer I'm afraid you really have to go now.
Yo, can we finish our song, please? One million bottles of beer on the wall One million bottles of beer Zowie.
It's showtime at the Apollo.
You don't get out much, do you? Dinner time.
Look like somebody already ate this.
Faster, faster, faster.
Come on, faster.
- Max.
- Yeah.
Running around like this could be fatal.
So, you'll die and I'll get another nurse.
Nurse, nurse darling? I dropped my lucky hat.
Would you please pick it up for me? Thank you very much.
Beautiful.
I never forget a face.
Max? Why do you call this your lucky hat? No reason.
Hey.
Hi, kid.
Guess you're my new roommate, huh? Well, good.
Man, when I get old I hope I get as much action as you.
Heck, next week I hope I get as much action as you.
- Will Smith, tonsils.
- Max Jakey, everything else.
Sweaty palms, kid.
First timer? Man, you must be tripping.
I was 15 when I first - You mean surgery.
- Yes.
Relax.
As long as you got a good doctor, kid, what could go wrong? And now you'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna cop a sponge bath.
- Max, you're supposed to be in therapy.
- I played there 40 years ago.
Bad theater, lousy audience.
- Will Smith? - Yeah.
- I'll be performing your surgery.
- Whoa.
No, you won't, man.
I want my regular doctor.
When can I see Dr.
Bennett? In five-to-10 years.
Oh, come on, relax.
I'm Dr.
Baylor and I'm eminently qualified to perform this operation.
Where are my glasses? Oh, hell.
Nurse, did they close up Miss Henderson yet? Never mind.
But check my locker for my beeper, will you? All right, Mr.
Smith, open your mouth.
- Yo, my man, your beeper ain't in here.
- Oh, come on, let me look at those tonsils.
Well, so much for golf tomorrow.
Hey, Doc, y'all just gonna take the tonsils, right? Hey, I got big plans for everything else.
Trust me.
You're in the hands of a capable doctor.
I've got to find those glasses.
God please don't let me leave here with breasts.
Max! - Yeah, what? - What do you think of the rap tape? Rap tape? Sounded like an auction.
- Kreplach? - Yo, man, what'd you call me? Kreplach.
It's a dumpling.
Hey, have a nosh.
- Yo.
Hey, Max? - Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
You all cooped up in this hospital.
Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.
Inside I feel like I'm just as young as you.
The difference is, you think you're immortal.
Me, I know better.
I don't have to waste time feeling sorry for myself.
You know what I mean? You know, you're really something, Max.
Please, don't make me cry.
I can't spare the fluid.
- Do me a favor, will you? Turn on the TV.
- Oh, sure.
Give me this.
So what do you wanna watch, Max? Man, I had forgotten how big Jimmie Walker's lips was.
Max? Goodnight, Max.
I'm very sorry, Mrs.
Peterson, we did the best we could.
But, Doctor, I don't understand.
We just brought little Billy to the hospital for a field trip.
And now he's Doctors play God, and patients get the short end of the scalpel on the next Oprah Winfrey Show.
Why aren't we sleeping, Mr.
Smith? 'Cause we in here bugging out, Nurse Petty.
Sounds like a job for Mr.
Needle.
Sorry, I must got the wrong number.
Yo, Will Smith, man, my main patient.
What's up, homey? - Doctor Dré? - Yo, man, what's happening, man? Yo, this next LP, man, has got your name written all over it.
All over it, homey.
- You know what it's called? - No.
Yo man, it's called Death Certificate, man.
Yo, man, are you ready for some dope cuts? No! Confounded! Everywhere I go, I hear the same damn music.
- That'll be all now, Nurse.
- Whoa, wait a minute, man - you ain't no doctor.
- No, but I play one on TV.
Yeah, you that dude from the soap opera.
- Hey, didn't you just die in a car crash? - Oh, no.
Right now I'm hanging precariously on the edge of a cliff and I intend to stay there until they put a window in my dressing room.
Now, let's get busy with that brain transplant, shall we? Whoa, man.
I'm just getting my tonsils out.
Tonsils don't get ratings, young man.
One of us will be right back, right after this commercial.
Gloves.
Gauze.
Scalpel.
Yo, man, you better be using that scalpel to cut some lemon wedges for Isaac.
Come on, buddy, I don't have all day.
In 15 minutes, I gotta meet Adrienne Barbeau on the poop deck.
Hey, man, I don't care if you're playing shuffleboard with Nipsey Russell.
I ain't getting cut by no doctor with knee socks.
Look, there's nothing to worry about.
I've pretended to do this operation a thousand times.
Look, this time they've given me a real scalpel.
Cool.
Man, I'm getting out of here before Dr.
Hannibal Lecter shows up.
Doctor, the patient in 214 is not responding to the medication.
What should I do? Well, Nurse, I'd run a KGB and an NAACP.
If he still doesn't respond give him an upper GI Joe.
I've got to get my real estate license.
They got some free ice-cream and cake in the cafeteria.
Well, this is enjoyable.
It's been too long since we've spent quality time together.
Daddy's right.
Can I go now? Oh, come on.
We're a family.
We should express our feelings.
Dad, let's cut the crapola and get to what's really on our minds.
Oh, sweetheart, Will's operation's gonna go fine.
Yeah.
I'm talking about Geoffrey's book.
Geoffrey can write whatever he wants.
This family has nothing to hide.
Your father's right.
Now I don't want to hear any more about it, okay? Philip, would you help me clear the dishes, please? Geoffrey knows everything about us.
If Mom and Dad find out what really goes on around here, they're going to kill us.
We've got to get that book.
The Butler's Tales, Chapter 42.
Someone get that damn door! Oh, that would be me.
All right, all right.
I hate this part of the job.
It's never for me.
Those memoirs have got to be in here somewhere.
Okay, Ashley, we're in.
Now hit the dirt and start twitching.
Carlton, we've got to find those memoirs.
I'll just die if my friends find out why Lou in Better Shoes gives me that 10% discount.
Yeah, what if my friends find out I sleep with a hand puppet? Move over, Carlton.
I don't have any room.
Will, move over.
Will? Geoffrey, we'd like to speak to you for a moment.
- He's not here, Philip, let's go.
- Not so quick, Vivian.
Do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert? Well, it never would have happened if he hadn't been five hours late.
All right, everybody out.
Come on.
What are you doing here? What are y'all doing here? And I hope them concert tickets wasn't front row.
Is that why you always play Hot Fun in the Summertime on my birthday? - Where was I conceived? - Probably at a white sale.
That's enough.
Will, why aren't you in the hospital? I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
I'm scared of going under the knife.
I mean, if I wanted to get cut I'd let Stevie Wonder do my fade.
Sweetheart, I know you're nervous about this operation but you have to believe that we know what's best for you.
The bottom line is it has to be done.
So you have a choice.
You can either be dragged in kicking and screaming or you can stand up and walk in like a man.
Now, Will, we're gonna step outside and talk to your doctor.
You've given us your word that you won't try to escape, and I trust you.
Abdulla, here's $100.
If he tries to run, sit on him.
Okay, we'll be right back, sweetheart.
Hey, so, where's Max at? Out playing doctor with a couple nurses? No, I'm afraid Max has gone to a better place.
- What? Gone? - Yeah, he went.
Just like that.
Wait, hold it.
That's his lucky hat.
Here I am acting like a little baby over a couple of tonsils.
Max had all that stuff wrong with him.
Never even complained.
So long, Max.
Hi, Will, how do you feel? Like I swallowed a weed whacker.
Oh, hello there, Master Will.
I've brought you something to read.
- What is it, G? - My memoirs.
- Give me that.
- Let me have it.
Mom, you scratched me.
I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.
I've just come back from my literary agent and the memoirs have been rejected.
Hey, I'm sorry, G.
What'd your agent say? I believe he referred to it as "Sominex in a dust jacket.
" Hi, kid.
Max.
I thought you died.
In Pittsburgh I died.
It wasn't my fault.
I was opening for a seal.
Wait.
The nurse said you went on to a better place.
I did.
Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
They've got cable.
Actually, I just came back to get my lucky hat.
I'm glad you're okay, kid.
You know, maybe we could hang out sometime.
Maybe.
If you were a woman and I had a prostate.
See you around, kid.
Wait, Max, you're forgetting your lucky hat.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
I forgot the hat.
Tell you what, kid you keep it.
Oh, Nurse? Kreplach.
It's a dumpling.
I got kugel here.
Tsimmes, latkes.
Jewish Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.
And I chewing on the What you got to go through for a lousy $100,000 a show.
English