The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Rule 23: The Puma Rule

"Sorry, sweetie, late night last night, maybe Monday.
"Call you, xo.
" I mean, seriously.
After last week's drunken disaster, I thought he'd be up for round 2.
I'm offering n.
Sex and he's too fucking tired! Wait.
I thought you really liked Richard.
So, how's that "no strings attached" sex? Well, he doesn't know that.
For all he knows, I'm just a whore who wants to get laid.
Well, you're right about the whore part.
Why is it so fucking complicated? Whoa.
Sometimes I just wish we were back in the stone age.
I could just club Richard and bring him back to my cave.
Well, I don't know if that's how it worked, but you could try it.
I mean, you're apartment's cave-like.
How can I club him when we're never even in the same room? What about him? He looks fuckable.
He's not, last week he asked if he could borrow my cell phone.
So? He said he wanted to call his mother, and tell her he'd just met the woman of his dreams.
Ew! How do you even respond to something so douchey? I asked him if I could borrow his apple Martini, so I could puke into it.
Oh! Well, what about Him in the booth, with the ironic facial hair.
When I went to the bathroom, he asked if he could take my picture, so he could show Santa what he wanted for Christmas.
Oh, he's definitely the winner.
And by winner I mean loser.
They're all losers.
No, scratch that, we're the losers.
I am so sick of these lame ass lines.
Then it's the trading of the phone numbers, and then cyber stalking, the sexting, the drive by's.
The befriending of his ex's to get the dirt on them, it goes on forever.
It's the whole game.
I can't stand it any more.
Well, well, well, what's gotten into you? Sorry.
We just took on this new cunty client at work.
She doesn't like any of the ad campaigns I put together.
Screw her.
Between her and this back and forth with Richard, I just don't have the energy to play the game with another guy.
Then we'll go where the guys have no game.
Where is this mystical place that you speak of? I don't know, I'm gonna find out.
Damn it! So 8:00? At villa tomasino's? Great.
Can't wait.
Does your volume knob turn to the left? Some of us didn't sleep so well last night.
That's a good thing, right.
Not if you're watching reruns of Melrose place, and drowning your sorrows in pomegeddons.
Poma what? Pomegranate juice, vodka, vodka, vodka.
So, you got reservations at villa tomasino's.
That's impressive.
She did.
She? Nicole.
She's a marine botanist.
What does that mean, she studies seaweed? Mostly lichen, and algae too.
Isn't that cool? Ha.
How'd you meet her? At the farmers market and you'll never guess what she said to me.
Was it something about porcini mushrooms? "Hi, my name's Nicole.
Would you like to have dinner sometime?" That's it.
No lines, no games, just honest communication.
I respect that.
Oh, Jason.
That is her game.
She pretends she's this sincere, innocent little thing, but it's a con.
She's probably a manipulative, conniving bitch! Or, she's just a really cool, down to earth, marine botanist.
If you say so.
Could you please leave my office? See, that's what I find so amazing, is that human life began in these tiny underwater vents, bubbling up.
Mmm, that's what's so fascinating about marine life.
I mean, it's all interconnected down to the smallest micro-organisms.
I mean, if we mess just one little thing up, you can say goodbye to earth's sol linear.
Can I ask you a question? Another one about marine botany? No, no, no.
Ah, it's about how we met.
Are you always that direct? Why are you asking? I don't know.
I'm just Just I liked it.
I'm just curious, that's all.
Not really.
So So, that's like your game, right? Your ass looked so hot in those jeans, I didn't want you to get away.
I didn't have the nerve to say that.
Maybe, I can get a better look later on.
We'll take the check, please.
There is nothing Goin' on tonight.
Is it some kind of holiday that I don't know about? Oh, here's one.
It's '80s night at the weigh station.
Ew, old dude games! Hookah.
Some kind of museum party How about, 2 for one at Ricky's? Cheap dude games.
All right, I give up.
Let me see.
Black widow pub.
Are you kidding? Tyler would kill us.
I know Tyler would kill us, but it's college night.
So, what does that mean? College boys, ha.
Too young to have any game but old enough to be legal.
Hey, are you ready for the plan? We're Goin' to flirt, Mac with some clueless hotties, and it's splitsville.
Now I get it.
Let's do a lap.
You go clockwise, I go counter-clockwise.
Meet you at the bar.
Wait, my neighbors.
I live right down the hall.
No, can't wait that long.
Ah! Well, well, well, am I right, or am I right? Yes, nothing but clueless eager hotties.
But No.
No! You're not Goin' to puss out on me.
What is it this time? I didn't even know how to flirt with college guys, when I was in college.
Watch and learn, baby girl.
Excuse me.
- Hi! - Hi! 2 questions! One, where do you go to school? We went to the "u.
" Yeah, we just graduated.
That's nice.
2, do you and your hot buddy over here, wanna make out with a bunch of dipshit sorority girls, or with two hot, experienced, older women? We want the experience older women.
Yeah! Wait, that means you 2, right? I get the valedictorian.
Wait, one more question.
Do you guys know the rules of the game? Maybe.
What, there's rules? Dude, shut up.
This isn't a dealbreaker, is it? I mean, because we really wanted the experienced women.
Yeah, I mean, if you want to teach us the rules We could totally Stop talking.
I can do that.
It's no problem.
Now! Okay, okay! Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, wait.
One second, okay? Sidebar.
Change of plans.
I think I'm gonna go home with this guy.
Stevie's kind of cute.
I know.
I'm sorry, is that yours or mine? Does it matter? No! Jesus! I've not been this wet since swim team.
So, now it's flirt, Mac Fuck.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah, I love you, I love you.
I'm not anti-PDA or anything, but if this is going where I think it's going Where do you guys live? Less than a mile from here.
Oh, the magic words.
Let's blow this kiddie pool.
Let's do it.
Touch me! Oh! Oh! Whoa! Nice crib.
What'd you say you guys major in again? Business.
Business and finance.
So, my roommates are probably asleep right now.
Okay, hope I'm not too loud for you.
Oh, it's like that.
Sure is.
Close your eyes.
What for? Gonna need to rest up for round 2.
Maybe this will help.
Whoa! That's not Oh! I had one of those in high school.
Take that off.
Oh! Take charge type, me likey.
You really know what you're doing.
I read some books.
What college? Get in here.
I'll help you get out of those.
Sounds like fun, doesn't it? It does.
I think I got a little ahead of you.
I'm sorry.
Give me 15 more minutes and We can try it again.
Ah, it's stuck.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! You fuck good.
I know, you too.
Yes! Yes! Ah, yes! Mmm.
No, no, no, no! Off you go.
Where where you going? I thought we could spend the morning together.
Heading back to the lab, I have to check my samples.
You'll call me? Don't worry so much.
What the hell is this? High school! Wake up! Hey, wake up! Wake up! Ow! High school? You said you graduated from college! Are you serious? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Huh? We told you we graduated from the u.
Ah! University provisional academy, everyone calls it that.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! Sam! Everyone calls it that.
Sam! High schooler! Wait! How old are you? Hey, idiot.
Exactly how did you get in the bar? Fake id.
Oh, that's nice! Please, God, tell me, you're not jail bait.
Am I in trouble? Like like with the law? Relax, I turn 20 in a month.
It's okay, I just turned 18 in march.
That's still way too close for comfort.
Yeah, but, you had a good time, right? I mean, perhaps a little morning delight.
Don't press your luck, kid.
Call me when you're 20 Something.
Listen, it's okay.
Keep practicing.
Don't worry, it'll get better.
I hope.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! I ran into the mom in the hallway.
Ha, dad offered me a cup of coffee, and I think he winked at me.
What the hell are we doing? We're cradle robbing, just to avoid the fucked up gamers.
Now, we're worse than them.
You're just upset 'cause you couldn't get laid.
Ow! Okay, never again! We won't even talk about it.
Okay? Pinkie promise.
Talk about what? High school! 18! Hey, Jason.
Hey, guys, how's it going? Probably not as good as it is for you, Mr.
pussy whipped.
Where's miss perfect? Nicole.
She said she'd be tied up in the lab for a while.
Oh! Tiger! She works with plankton.
Oh, speak of the devil, there she is.
Wow, she's cute.
Way to go.
I'm Nicole, would you like to go to dinner sometime? Uh, yeah, yeah, I'd really like to.
Guess she does have a game, after all.
Sorry, jase.
Anyway, fuck her.
Yeah! Oh! Buck up, little dude.
Hey, wanna go get brunch? Where do you wanna go? A place that serves pomegeddons.
They're on me.
Come on.
Come on.