The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Rule 33: The Vibrator Rule

How about him? Oh, definitely.
Him? Mmm, maybe later tonight.
Really? Hell, I'd even masturbate to her.
You equal opportunity whore.
You men will use just about anything as spank material.
It's an ever-rotating cast of endless people.
Always room for someone new.
Jealous? A little.
Oh, who do you masturbate to? Last guy I had sex with.
Boring! You've already been there.
Where's the fantasy? You, I bet you've got some kinky shit like Sarah Palin in your arsenal.
I'm not talking about this.
And if I were, Palin definitely wouldn't make the cut.
I'd do her For my dad.
He's always saying "fuck the Republicans.
" Hey, what's wrong with you? You're like angry hungry.
I'm not angry hungry.
I'm angry horny.
Something I'm gleefully unfamiliar with.
Ah, stop gloating.
I thought now that your fuck buddy is back in town, you're finally getting it on the regular.
I am, but I don't You know.
Jizz.
Skeet.
Cum.
Yes.
Ooh! It's all because of my stupid thin walls.
Every time we're in bed, it seems like my nympho neighbor is about to bust a nut of her own.
And you know how long it takes me to get there.
Oh, God! Not yet.
Kaylie, weirdly, doesn't have that problem.
Yes! Yes! Ah! Yes! Thank God! No! No! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! No! Yes! Well, if your fuck buddy is not satisfying you, it's time to kick him to the curb.
To the curb.
Oh, trust me.
He can and he has.
It's just that this bitch next door ruins our rhythm.
Why don't you just go to his place? Because he has this creepy roommate with a unibrow who always walks around in his tighty whities.
Makes me lose my hard-on.
Sounds like someone's forgetting rule number 33.
Rule number 33, if you're going to have a threesome, make sure it's with two guys.
Works for me.
No.
That's 57.
Vibrators make the best fuck buddies.
Break out your vibe and you're guaranteed to 'gasm every time.
No, we went there last time.
Okay, what about that new place in Lincoln square? Yeah, the little Italian one.
Okay.
Great, I'll see you tomorrow.
Sounds like somebody has a new boyfriend.
Jared's not my boyfriend.
He's my birthday buddy.
Your what? Our birthdays are on the same day, so every year, we go to dinner together.
It's lovely.
You've had a standing date with the same guy for 4 years? Wow! That is longer than all of my relationships combined.
Shocker! Are you fucking him? That's none of your business.
So you're not but you want to.
Listen, I say give the poor bastard what he really wants for his birthday.
Unless all you want is a birthday buddy and not a boyfriend.
Your call.
I make it a rule not to sleep with a guy for at least 10 dates.
10 dates? Holy shit! It's a wonder your dates don't die of blue balls.
I haven't heard any complaints.
Then you haven't been listening.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Finally! Someone who appreciates the pleasures of the grape from pinos to gewurztraminers.
I adore you for even thinking I can pronounce that.
Well, perhaps after the next tasting I'll teach you that.
And more.
Mmm.
I'm an eager student.
So, what are you looking for today? A nice Bordeaux for a night in with the boyfriend? No.
We broke up.
Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm not.
I have the perfect wine for you to ponder the world and your place in it.
Oh, you are good.
Better make it two.
How much? I didn't pay for that.
A gift.
My new favorite malbec.
You know about malbecs? Nope.
They require a certain amount of heat to really ripen.
Enjoy.
I plan to.
Hi.
Can we take this to your room? Mmm.
Oh, sorry.
It's okay.
God, yes! Hey! Let's try a new position.
What do you have in mind? Oh my God! Yeah baby, that's it.
You're really getting into this.
Oh, baby.
You're so hot.
Can we just move down a little bit? Don't come without me.
Huh! Yes! Oh, God! Yes! Oh, God! No! Yes.
No! Oh, God! No! No! That was amazing.
Ugh! You still have a plug-in? It has never let me down.
Mmm.
Until last night.
Time to buy a sleek battery-powered vibe and then you're gonna blow your load all over that fuck buddy of yours.
You guys, some of us are trying to eat.
That one sounds angry horny.
Oh, you have no idea.
I'm just not a perv, like some people.
She has a birthday buddy, who takes her to dinner, every year, on her birthday.
And she hasn't fucked him yet.
Brilliant! We're not all bonobo monkeys.
Monkeys that have sex with every other monkey they meet at the drop of a hat.
Hate to say it, but you've got a fuck buddy.
That one has a birthday buddy.
And I've got a wine buddy.
None of us are getting off, but She's getting dinner and I'm scoring wine.
What are you getting? A new vibrator.
Apparently.
Just sayin'.
We've been through a lot together.
Yeah, I know we have, but sometimes you just don't No, I meant my vibe.
I've had it since I was 18.
Hmm, heart breaking.
Dump that shit.
Good night, sweet prince.
Sam.
Kaylie, hi.
Hey! Hey, Kaylie, I was wondering Do you ever hear me Snoring? Occasionally, but it's not that bad.
Um, no, I meant sex.
Really? You don't hear me through the thin walls? No.
Well, I hear you.
Oh my gosh, Sam, I'm so sorry.
My boyfriend and I are at that stage.
Oh, the honeymoon stage.
That gets old in about two months.
No, I mean anal.
And things are getting really intense.
You never have a problem getting off during sex, do you? Why would I? I mean, doesn't everyone orgasm during sex? That is what makes it sex.
Otherwise, we'd all be virgins.
If you threw her in a pool, would she float? Hey, a lot of memories here.
This is where sienna took me to get my first vibe.
Ah! I still can't believe that bitch is married.
Do you think she's happier now? Than when she was with us? Yeah.
All I know is that when she left for the 'burbs, Chicago lost one third of its cool chick population.
Aw! Do we need to put your profile on coolchickfinder.
Com, so that you can find more girlfriends? No thanks.
I don't need more vaginae in my life.
Besides, I have you.
You're about all the pussy I can handle right now.
Thanks.
Welcome.
So, let's find something that's stickin' it that will actually get you off.
Always the romantic.
You know me.
How about this one? No.
Rabbit pearl.
You've got to be a master gamer to control this one.
One control for the dildo, the other for the little rabbit, it's too much.
When I'm getting off, I want to get in and out without getting carpal tunnel.
Oh, and the worst part, smells like plastic.
Pass.
Sorry to keep you guys waiting.
I was tied up in the back.
So, uh, you ladies looking for something to spice things up? Yeah, I just Oh no! Not like that.
We're not together.
She's actually looking to update her vibe.
Over here we have your classic pocket rocket.
It's small but, uh, it gets the job done.
I don't know.
It reminds me a little too much of Roger.
Roger? Roger, the 3-incher.
You don't want any unpleasant flashbacks.
Let's move on to the c spot.
Oh, it's so cute.
It's curved for super clit action.
But it's not really designed for insertion.
I think you might want the option.
This is one of our luxury vibes.
Limited edition aluminum, waterproof, comes in 4 different colors.
And you can personalize it.
Ooh! Oh, my God! I love it.
175 bucks for a vibrator? Well, I paid $400 for these shoes and they just go on my feet.
Here, buy one of these for your uptight co-worker.
Maybe it'll dislodge that stick from her ass.
Oh, Kate.
She has her birthday date tonight.
She's probably not getting laid as we speak.
Oh, Jared, you're hilarious.
It's easy when you have a great audience.
I can't believe this is the fifth year we've done this.
I know.
I usually don't get a second date, let alone a fifth.
There you are, sir.
Are you sure you don't want to split it? Splitting the bill is for pussies.
So, this might sound kind of crazy, but I have this rule.
I don't usually Sleep with a guy until the tenth date.
That's impressive that you get him to wait that long.
But I'm not surprised.
You're worth waiting for.
I think we've waited long enough.
Happy Birthday.
Good morning.
I made some coffee.
Kate? What's wrong? Leave me alone.
Talk to me.
Did he give you crabs? No, he didn't give me crabs.
I slept with him and he left in the morning.
Eh! It happens.
It's not supposed to happen to me.
That's why I have my rules.
I should never have listened to you.
You could have waited 5 more years and gotten the same result, but you saved time.
All men leave.
At least you got laid first.
Are you completely mental? Come on, Kate.
I'm sorry.
I'm on your side.
You're not on anyone's side.
That's why you're alone.
Hi.
Hey, Lizzie, what are you up to tonight? Well, my partner in crime is otherwise engaged so I'm flying solo tonight.
Hopefully, not sober.
What you got for me? How'd you like that malbec? Loved it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, I think you'll really savor what I've got for you in back.
Wait here.
Hey, Lizzie, come on back here.
Like to try a taste? Wow! Mmm.
Talk about full-bodied flavor.
Mmm-mmm.
Mmm.
Maybe we just need to keep this relationship strictly alcoholic.
Maybe you should leave.
So the free wine, that's down the drain? Okay, thank you.
Oh! Might want to cover up.
Oh, baby.
Hey, let's try that new position.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, God.
Oh, come on! I know you work hard but you can get off of this.
I can't get off of this.
Yes, you can.
I've been getting drunk with you after work every single day and lately, I swear to God, I'm gonna lose this next case.
That's a problem.
Oh, guess what.
What? Turns out, wine buddies don't make the best fuck buddies.
I swear, where am I gonna find a man who knows what I want and buys me drinks? The sigh.
Wait.
Why didn't you have sex with him again? I don't want to ruin the integrity of our relationship.
Since when has that ever stopped you? Okay, seriously, he's like a roll of dimes.
He makes Roger the 3-incher look like a porn star.
Oh, yikes! Well, at least your little buddy finally made you happy.
Oh, you have no idea.
Wait.
Where are you going? Forgive me.