The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Rule 9: The Bitch Rule
So Sam, you're from Madison, right? That's pretty cool.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! Would you two please get a room already.
What is it like to work with this one? Guys.
Please.
I came here to escape my boring day job.
Not rehash it.
I bet she's a total power bitch, isn't she? Making paralegals cry, expensing extravagant lunches and having affairs with the partners.
- Well.
- Well.
Thank you, I reviewed the case, I suggest we rushed to a summary judgment as most of their witnesses have given contradictory testimony.
According to Mr.
Keller, he himself is not even there to witness.
Tuesday's mess, I have no idea why, but turn to page 8, please.
The lederburg case Yeah, I took the client out for drinks, he was super impressed with the contract.
- The only issue is - Goodnight, Lizzie.
Goodnight, pussy.
No, not you.
Mine.
When she's not hungover, she's probably a top associate.
Even then, I told Jason he can only come to happy hour, if he blew smoke up my ass and bought our drinks.
Another split of champagne? Yes, please.
Move it, flaca.
You.
Outta my way.
- Bitch.
- Oi, trollo.
Another.
I'm sorry, but I was here.
And now, I am here.
So where does that leave you? Um, lady I was about to order something.
Are you talking to me, concho? You dare to "hey, lady" me? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, but I was standing here.
I can see through your pantalones.
Mr.
itty-bitty, down there.
Hey, I'm a grower not a shower.
Mariposa wants a grower and a shower.
Let's start over.
Uh, trollo.
I got her drink.
It's okay.
It's nothing.
Mariposa can pay for her Tequila herself.
No, no, I insist.
What the fuck? What? What's wrong? Top shelf drinks for her and nothing for us? I'm sorry, I forgot about you guys.
There's just something So sexy about her.
Yeah, she's a bitch.
Go get our drinks.
Right, of course.
If you wanna give out the formula, just No problem, anytime.
What are you What are you looking at? I think the real question here is, What are you looking at? Gordita.
Spill, bitch.
Fine.
My real name is Mildred.
Hmm and who's mariposa? Not just mariposa.
Mariposa Louisa Gomez-penas of the havana Gomez-penas.
She outshines Mildred.
Mariposa gets whatever she wants.
I noticed.
But she's a heinous bitch.
Yeah, she is.
Let me let you girls in on a little secret.
If you want to get the guy, you not only have to be a bitch, but you have to be the biggest bitch in the room.
Do you want to hear more? Si! It's not really about the accent.
That just got me into the character.
But mariposa allowed me to reveal my inner bitch.
Are you even latina? Well, my dad's mom was half-Mexican, actually, she was from Albuquerque.
But does new Mexican count? So, that's how you get drinks.
Drinks, phone numbers, laid, mariposa gets whatever she wants.
You have sex as mariposa? Are you kidding me? She is a tiger in bed.
They love her.
Take a deep breath, summon your inner bitch, and outbitch all the ladies in the room.
Men will be eating out of your hand.
And elsewhere.
Would you like anything else? I think we're good.
Mariposa is.
For you, quierida.
Mariposa doesn't pay for nada.
Not bad, right? Yeah.
Too bad mariposa already has dibs.
He's mine.
No, I don't think so.
Then may the biggest bitch win.
Yeah, everything is perfect.
Just like you asked.
No, I've got all the materials ready, it's just You know what? He's actually here right now, so, they should be to you in about an hour.
Okay.
Great, thanks.
So, what you got for me? Ah, just these.
Just these? Yeah.
Well, what am I supposed to do with them? I'm sorry, maybe I didn't understand, I thought you worked for the delivery company? I do.
But you must have called the wrong division, 'cause I can't carry these.
I'm a bike messenger.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, I screwed up.
Yeah, it's a problem.
Yeah, it is a problem.
Your problem.
So call your boss.
Tell him you need a truck.
Now.
Otherwise, I'll call him myself.
Then you and your pathetic little bike can start Looking for a new job.
So, what's it going to be? Brian? I'll take care of it.
I'm sure you will.
Um, are you going to need anything else? Yeah, your number.
But you called it already.
It's 800-555 No! Your number, Brian.
Oh.
I want to be able to call you anytime.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
You got a pen? No.
Do you? All out? No.
Got at least half a tablespoon here.
I'm gonna be bouncing off the ceiling soon.
Inner bitch.
All right.
Which one of you douches finished the coffee and didn't start another pot? Tell you what.
I'm gonna give you five minutes.
And when I come back, if that pot is not full of Columbia's finest, heads will fucking roll.
Ladies From the gentleman at the other end of the bar.
Uh-huh.
'Course they're buying us drinks, I told the blonde one he's as interesting as a pube stuck to a toilet seat.
I told the other one if he was twice as smart he'd still be an aspiring idiot.
Ooh, nice.
He wrote his number on a little piece of paper, and I threw it in his face.
You bitch.
Feel like the secrets of the pyramids have been revealed.
So, what happened to those sweet girls that I once gave lollipops to? All gone.
Poof.
The bitch is back.
So, have you closed the deal yet? Has your inner bitch gotten her inner itch taken care of? Hmm, still Workin' on it.
You? Closing in on the deal.
He's young, he's hot, and he is under this bitch's spell.
God bless you, mariposa.
Uh-uh.
Don't bless her just yet.
Still got to take her down.
Capuccino.
Double.
Just give me a sec.
No, not one sec, now.
Uh-huh, let me just You have my soy latte, mozito? It's right here, mariposa.
Just the way you like it.
Is okay.
Oh, by the way, you need to refill the soap in the ladies' room.
Yeah, right away.
Wait, what about my cappuccino? This bitch is going to take you down.
And then, a little waiter is going down, too.
On my little friend.
Soap's refilled.
Do you need anything else? Why don't you make a cafecito for my friend? Yeah, yeah, of course.
And make it snappy.
She's not getting any younger.
You called? You're late.
Are you done for the day? I just made my last delivery.
One more job.
Is this an office address? Home.
Mine.
Oh.
Can you hold this? Ow.
Leave that.
In the bedroom.
Now.
I said now! No, no, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
You go, girl.
Now, you go, boy.
Wait until I scream.
Then when I scream, keep going some more.
Why are you stopping? Uh, sorry.
Sorry.
What's all that? Oh, you're awake.
I wanted to surprise you with some breakfast in bed.
You did? Surprise.
Last night was a lot of fun.
It was.
I mean, it was all right.
It was adequate.
You have a lot to learn, still.
So, um Give me my, um Give me my, uh Morning paper.
You said, "get me my morning paper"? I'm sorry, what is this? Suddenly 1927? What did you do? Call him jeeves? I just totally blanked.
He wanted the bitch, and then I showed him my true colors, and he bolted.
Maybe next time.
No, there won't be a next time.
He's not calling again.
But I asked him to.
You asked? Well, I sort of told him.
So you'll call me again, okay? Okay? He's not calling again.
You had him right where you wanted him.
Under my magic honey pot.
And he was good at it.
Sam, you lost your inner bitch.
Your inner bitch lost her man.
Learned his work schedule, I see.
Keep trying, pobrecita.
You can't win.
Age before beauty.
Bitch.
Don't you forget it.
This coffee, if I wasn't such a lady, I would spit it in your face.
Ah! I wouldn't feed this to my dog.
You have a dog? Of course you do.
Lonely girl in a big city.
I'll try again.
Sorry.
Just fix it.
You think I have all day? No, no, of course not.
Anything you say.
Much better.
I think you have a little something in your teeth.
It looks like parsley.
I just didn't think it was fair not to tell you.
I might be a bitch, but I fight a clean fight.
Thank you.
You, make the coffee.
You, coffee break, now.
There was nothing in my teeth.
Yup.
I've been outbitched.
I better see a nice creme on that espresso.
Do I have to wear this? Yes.
Do it.
I feel stupid.
Now.
Ow.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes.
My name's Pete.
My name's Pete.
No, I'm saying "yes.
" Yes.
Do it.
You keep calling me "Jess.
" My name's Pete.
No, it's Pete.
I'm saying "si.
" Comprende? Yes, yes.
Yes, si.
Oh, si.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Si, si.
But I'm not finished.
Si.
But mariposa is.
Sunday night.
The Eve of our despair.
Even my inner bitch is feeling defeated.
At least your inner bitch got laid.
Oh, my God.
He was amazing.
All that bike riding, he could go for hours.
Sorry.
I've reached an all-time low.
Even the busboy turned me down.
I feel like a cubs fan.
I hate losing.
Especially to that bitch mariposa or Mildred, whatever the hell her name was.
Another cosmo, please? Oh, I love your dress.
Oh, thanks.
Where did you get it? I'm not gonna tell you.
Oh, what? Why not? Because, I don't wanna see you wearing it.
Bitch.
Uh-oh.
I've seen that look before.
What are you going to do? You know, I may not have outbitched mariposa.
I'm going to show this big bitch that I can be the bigger bitch.
Tyler, scissors.
Yeah, go cut that bitch.
Um, Lizzie I'm so sorry, your tag was sticking out.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, my God.
You're crazy.
So, who makes the dress? Stella spade.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just a little tired.
I had a long weekend of not having sex at all.
All right.
Well, I'm out.
School day tomorrow.
You coming? Nope.
I'll call you later.
All right.
Told you, I'm fine.
Drink that any harder and you might fall in.
Wouldn't mind disappearing for a little while.
Tough night? Why do you always show up when I'm at my lowest? Maybe I'm just a figment of your imagination.
A childhood friend for the lonely kid who needs someone to talk to.
You want to be alone? Nope.
Can we just sit and drink? Without any bullshit for one night? My treat.
You and your books.
I like this book.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! Would you two please get a room already.
What is it like to work with this one? Guys.
Please.
I came here to escape my boring day job.
Not rehash it.
I bet she's a total power bitch, isn't she? Making paralegals cry, expensing extravagant lunches and having affairs with the partners.
- Well.
- Well.
Thank you, I reviewed the case, I suggest we rushed to a summary judgment as most of their witnesses have given contradictory testimony.
According to Mr.
Keller, he himself is not even there to witness.
Tuesday's mess, I have no idea why, but turn to page 8, please.
The lederburg case Yeah, I took the client out for drinks, he was super impressed with the contract.
- The only issue is - Goodnight, Lizzie.
Goodnight, pussy.
No, not you.
Mine.
When she's not hungover, she's probably a top associate.
Even then, I told Jason he can only come to happy hour, if he blew smoke up my ass and bought our drinks.
Another split of champagne? Yes, please.
Move it, flaca.
You.
Outta my way.
- Bitch.
- Oi, trollo.
Another.
I'm sorry, but I was here.
And now, I am here.
So where does that leave you? Um, lady I was about to order something.
Are you talking to me, concho? You dare to "hey, lady" me? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, but I was standing here.
I can see through your pantalones.
Mr.
itty-bitty, down there.
Hey, I'm a grower not a shower.
Mariposa wants a grower and a shower.
Let's start over.
Uh, trollo.
I got her drink.
It's okay.
It's nothing.
Mariposa can pay for her Tequila herself.
No, no, I insist.
What the fuck? What? What's wrong? Top shelf drinks for her and nothing for us? I'm sorry, I forgot about you guys.
There's just something So sexy about her.
Yeah, she's a bitch.
Go get our drinks.
Right, of course.
If you wanna give out the formula, just No problem, anytime.
What are you What are you looking at? I think the real question here is, What are you looking at? Gordita.
Spill, bitch.
Fine.
My real name is Mildred.
Hmm and who's mariposa? Not just mariposa.
Mariposa Louisa Gomez-penas of the havana Gomez-penas.
She outshines Mildred.
Mariposa gets whatever she wants.
I noticed.
But she's a heinous bitch.
Yeah, she is.
Let me let you girls in on a little secret.
If you want to get the guy, you not only have to be a bitch, but you have to be the biggest bitch in the room.
Do you want to hear more? Si! It's not really about the accent.
That just got me into the character.
But mariposa allowed me to reveal my inner bitch.
Are you even latina? Well, my dad's mom was half-Mexican, actually, she was from Albuquerque.
But does new Mexican count? So, that's how you get drinks.
Drinks, phone numbers, laid, mariposa gets whatever she wants.
You have sex as mariposa? Are you kidding me? She is a tiger in bed.
They love her.
Take a deep breath, summon your inner bitch, and outbitch all the ladies in the room.
Men will be eating out of your hand.
And elsewhere.
Would you like anything else? I think we're good.
Mariposa is.
For you, quierida.
Mariposa doesn't pay for nada.
Not bad, right? Yeah.
Too bad mariposa already has dibs.
He's mine.
No, I don't think so.
Then may the biggest bitch win.
Yeah, everything is perfect.
Just like you asked.
No, I've got all the materials ready, it's just You know what? He's actually here right now, so, they should be to you in about an hour.
Okay.
Great, thanks.
So, what you got for me? Ah, just these.
Just these? Yeah.
Well, what am I supposed to do with them? I'm sorry, maybe I didn't understand, I thought you worked for the delivery company? I do.
But you must have called the wrong division, 'cause I can't carry these.
I'm a bike messenger.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, I screwed up.
Yeah, it's a problem.
Yeah, it is a problem.
Your problem.
So call your boss.
Tell him you need a truck.
Now.
Otherwise, I'll call him myself.
Then you and your pathetic little bike can start Looking for a new job.
So, what's it going to be? Brian? I'll take care of it.
I'm sure you will.
Um, are you going to need anything else? Yeah, your number.
But you called it already.
It's 800-555 No! Your number, Brian.
Oh.
I want to be able to call you anytime.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
You got a pen? No.
Do you? All out? No.
Got at least half a tablespoon here.
I'm gonna be bouncing off the ceiling soon.
Inner bitch.
All right.
Which one of you douches finished the coffee and didn't start another pot? Tell you what.
I'm gonna give you five minutes.
And when I come back, if that pot is not full of Columbia's finest, heads will fucking roll.
Ladies From the gentleman at the other end of the bar.
Uh-huh.
'Course they're buying us drinks, I told the blonde one he's as interesting as a pube stuck to a toilet seat.
I told the other one if he was twice as smart he'd still be an aspiring idiot.
Ooh, nice.
He wrote his number on a little piece of paper, and I threw it in his face.
You bitch.
Feel like the secrets of the pyramids have been revealed.
So, what happened to those sweet girls that I once gave lollipops to? All gone.
Poof.
The bitch is back.
So, have you closed the deal yet? Has your inner bitch gotten her inner itch taken care of? Hmm, still Workin' on it.
You? Closing in on the deal.
He's young, he's hot, and he is under this bitch's spell.
God bless you, mariposa.
Uh-uh.
Don't bless her just yet.
Still got to take her down.
Capuccino.
Double.
Just give me a sec.
No, not one sec, now.
Uh-huh, let me just You have my soy latte, mozito? It's right here, mariposa.
Just the way you like it.
Is okay.
Oh, by the way, you need to refill the soap in the ladies' room.
Yeah, right away.
Wait, what about my cappuccino? This bitch is going to take you down.
And then, a little waiter is going down, too.
On my little friend.
Soap's refilled.
Do you need anything else? Why don't you make a cafecito for my friend? Yeah, yeah, of course.
And make it snappy.
She's not getting any younger.
You called? You're late.
Are you done for the day? I just made my last delivery.
One more job.
Is this an office address? Home.
Mine.
Oh.
Can you hold this? Ow.
Leave that.
In the bedroom.
Now.
I said now! No, no, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
You go, girl.
Now, you go, boy.
Wait until I scream.
Then when I scream, keep going some more.
Why are you stopping? Uh, sorry.
Sorry.
What's all that? Oh, you're awake.
I wanted to surprise you with some breakfast in bed.
You did? Surprise.
Last night was a lot of fun.
It was.
I mean, it was all right.
It was adequate.
You have a lot to learn, still.
So, um Give me my, um Give me my, uh Morning paper.
You said, "get me my morning paper"? I'm sorry, what is this? Suddenly 1927? What did you do? Call him jeeves? I just totally blanked.
He wanted the bitch, and then I showed him my true colors, and he bolted.
Maybe next time.
No, there won't be a next time.
He's not calling again.
But I asked him to.
You asked? Well, I sort of told him.
So you'll call me again, okay? Okay? He's not calling again.
You had him right where you wanted him.
Under my magic honey pot.
And he was good at it.
Sam, you lost your inner bitch.
Your inner bitch lost her man.
Learned his work schedule, I see.
Keep trying, pobrecita.
You can't win.
Age before beauty.
Bitch.
Don't you forget it.
This coffee, if I wasn't such a lady, I would spit it in your face.
Ah! I wouldn't feed this to my dog.
You have a dog? Of course you do.
Lonely girl in a big city.
I'll try again.
Sorry.
Just fix it.
You think I have all day? No, no, of course not.
Anything you say.
Much better.
I think you have a little something in your teeth.
It looks like parsley.
I just didn't think it was fair not to tell you.
I might be a bitch, but I fight a clean fight.
Thank you.
You, make the coffee.
You, coffee break, now.
There was nothing in my teeth.
Yup.
I've been outbitched.
I better see a nice creme on that espresso.
Do I have to wear this? Yes.
Do it.
I feel stupid.
Now.
Ow.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes.
My name's Pete.
My name's Pete.
No, I'm saying "yes.
" Yes.
Do it.
You keep calling me "Jess.
" My name's Pete.
No, it's Pete.
I'm saying "si.
" Comprende? Yes, yes.
Yes, si.
Oh, si.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Si, si.
But I'm not finished.
Si.
But mariposa is.
Sunday night.
The Eve of our despair.
Even my inner bitch is feeling defeated.
At least your inner bitch got laid.
Oh, my God.
He was amazing.
All that bike riding, he could go for hours.
Sorry.
I've reached an all-time low.
Even the busboy turned me down.
I feel like a cubs fan.
I hate losing.
Especially to that bitch mariposa or Mildred, whatever the hell her name was.
Another cosmo, please? Oh, I love your dress.
Oh, thanks.
Where did you get it? I'm not gonna tell you.
Oh, what? Why not? Because, I don't wanna see you wearing it.
Bitch.
Uh-oh.
I've seen that look before.
What are you going to do? You know, I may not have outbitched mariposa.
I'm going to show this big bitch that I can be the bigger bitch.
Tyler, scissors.
Yeah, go cut that bitch.
Um, Lizzie I'm so sorry, your tag was sticking out.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, my God.
You're crazy.
So, who makes the dress? Stella spade.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just a little tired.
I had a long weekend of not having sex at all.
All right.
Well, I'm out.
School day tomorrow.
You coming? Nope.
I'll call you later.
All right.
Told you, I'm fine.
Drink that any harder and you might fall in.
Wouldn't mind disappearing for a little while.
Tough night? Why do you always show up when I'm at my lowest? Maybe I'm just a figment of your imagination.
A childhood friend for the lonely kid who needs someone to talk to.
You want to be alone? Nope.
Can we just sit and drink? Without any bullshit for one night? My treat.
You and your books.
I like this book.