The Goldbergs s05e03 Episode Script

Goldberg on the Goldbergs

1 Back in the '80s, I was unathletic, uncoordinated, and extremely lazy-eyed.
Luckily, there was an adult to help shepherd me through this difficult time My gym teacher, Coach Mellor.
Hustle, hustle! Build that muscle! Let's go! I'm lookin' at you, Goldfarb! [As Darth Vader] Dave Kim, I am your father! Ha! Dude! No one's ever done that before! And no one will ever do it again! Drop and give me 20 burpees! Now! Just when I thought gym couldn't get worse, the new school year began and it did.
All right! Welcome to third-period gym, freshmen through seniors.
Now, to any of you younger, spindly-armed students worried about the insane disparity of height and weight in this class, I say - What are ya gonna do? - Suggestion, Coach.
Perhaps the younger, dorkier students should wear shin guards and helmets, because I will bring the thunder.
Oh, balls.
You're in this class? Looks like we got ourselves a classic brother versus brother showdown.
- No, we don't.
- You know it.
This is why I snap on these blue shorts every day.
Now let's play some scooter ball! [Whistle blows] And so Coach pitted me against my brother for the next three months, and each class, it got worse.
Let's go, smaller team! Get in their face! [Music Playing] [Distorted] Not in my house! [Music Playing] Good job, Goldberg.
Yep, Barry's vision was laser-focused on me in gym.
Mine, on the other hand, was a bit more wandering.
Aaaah! Where are your glasses, kiddo? Your eye's all farkakte.
Broke in gym class.
Now we all got to live with the lazy eye.
What's that? Are you talking to me? No, I was talking to Pops.
Then why are you looking at me? I didn't! This is me looking at you.
No, now you're looking at Mrs.
Butterworth.
I am not! You're staring right at her! Now one eye's staring at me.
I don't know what to do.
Bevy, your son's wonky eye is ruining breakfast.
Adam, put your glasses on.
Oh! You broke them again?! No more glasses! Those things cost a fortune.
From now on, you're gonna wear an eyepatch, like a regular kid.
But this wasn't my fault! I was targeted in gym class! Targeted?! Who targeted my smooshy-tushed baby boy? 'Twas I.
Barry, what have I told you about picking on poor Adam? Then came the Mom guilt trip unique to brothers everywhere.
You realize that one day, I'll be gone, and the only thing you'll have is each other.
Oh, pass! He sucks.
I suck? Even your wandering eye hates you and wants to leave your head.
You two are gonna be best friends forever, or no Steak-umms for a month! Why are you being so mean to me about this? Here, schmoo.
You can wear your backup glasses till I get the broken ones to LensCrafters.
No! You can't take away this gift from me.
I finally have a reason to go to school.
Adam, tell Coach Mellor you want to be on Barry's team.
Ah! Saved by Mama Bear once again.
Now all I had to do was plead my case to my bear of a coach.
Okay, party people! The rubber balls are wet and molded over, so today, we will be playing dodgeball with lady softballs.
They're large, they're hard, and they will leave a mark.
Uh Coach, quick sidebar? First of all, son, you got to take off the comedy glasses.
We're not in clown school.
Sadly, these are not for hilarity Just to fix a lazy eye.
On that note, I was thinking maybe Barry and I can be on the same team? Or you can finally cast off your self-doubt and those orthopedic glasses and make your big bro suck it on the court of life.
Solid plan.
However, my mom really wants us on the same team to avoid further damage to my growing body.
Son, the only reason Barry pummels you is because you let him.
You got to to stop running and unleash the beast inside.
And don't just do it for you.
Do it for all the picked-on, little-dorkus brothers who cry "No more!" Now, are you gonna stand up and be a man or are you gonna cower behind your mommy? You're pitting my babies against each other on purpose?! Unacceptable! [Whispering] I'm so sorry.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 11, 1980-something, and Erica was making the most of a wild Saturday night on campus.
- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.
- No - Oh, my god.
You're actually ruining Peter Cetera for me.
Just hang up already before I barf! Okay, it's getting late, babe.
We need to hang up for real this time.
God! It's so hard to hang up! Who? Wha' phone? Hello? Geoff, I think we fell asleep on the phone! Aww.
We fell asleep together? Son of a bitch! So much long-distance charges! Crap! I'm the one who called you! This phone bill's gonna be insane! Oh, no! Your dad's gonna hate me so much! Money's his anger flash point! We got to get off this phone, Geoff! Every second costs us! - Hang up! - No, you hang up! - No, you hang up! - No, you hang up! Geoff, hang up the phone!! [Receiver slams] [Squeals] As Erica's phone bill was skyrocketing, my mom was still coming down hard on Mellor.
I put up with your macho attitude, but when it affects my family, we got big problems.
All right, here's the deal.
I, too, had a bully for an older brother, and, much like Adam, I never stood up to him.
I was just too afraid.
- You, afraid? - You don't know Nick Mellor.
When we were kids, he beat me at everything, football, powerlifting, Greco-Roman wrestling, riflery, downhill running, kites.
Well, you're grown men now.
Things change.
Well, not for us.
Nick's the defensive coordinator at Villanova.
And me? I'm just a glorified activities advisor with chicken-cutlet thighs.
Stop.
Your thighs are very large.
Everyone says so.
The truth is, maybe if I'd stood up to Nick when we were younger I'd be a college coach and he'd be the one drying out these moldy old balls.
[Fans whirring] Can't you just get past it? He's your family.
You sound like Mama, God rest her soul.
You mean She died doing what she loved, though, frog squats.
Coach, does your brother have any idea what he's done to you? That's what Mama asked me Right before she did that last ill-advised rep that sent her to the final cool-down in the sky.
Oh, Mama, why'd you have to crush it so hard? While my mom was digging into Coach's tough past, Erica was making a tough call of her own.
Hello.
Goldbergses' residence.
Pops don't say it's me, Erica! - Is that Erica? - Not Erica.
Play it cool! I need to talk to Dad about a gigantic phone bill, but only if he's not cranky.
First off, has he eaten? A little.
Now a little more.
He's really teasing that pickle.
Damn it, Al! Hand it over! All right, what'd you do? Well I've kind of been talking to Geoff a lot, so the next phone bill might possibly be a little bit, extremely high.
Eh.
It's only money.
"It's only money"? "It's only money"? Yeah, it's only money.
This from the guy who made me bring my own cream cheese? You're messing with me, right? This is just a weird mind game? Look, I know long distance is hard.
If you happen to talk on the phone a little bit more and it makes a big bill, so be it.
Take the "Yes" and hang up! I'm scared, but I love you, and bye! [Receiver rattles] Okay, Mur.
What's your angle? No angle.
I believe in young love.
No, you don't.
Of course I don't! Do you know what it means to have the one lonely freshman girl who pines for her boyfriend back home? Oy, I remember that girl, Ethel Kominski.
She was the worst.
Yeah! Now Erica's the worst.
Instead of partying with frat boys, she's on the phone every night with some yutz a thousand miles away.
But that's horrible.
What about Erica going out and having fun and making mistakes and living life? I thought about that.
And then I thought, "Nah.
I'm good.
" As my dad wanted to keep Erica from college life, my mom wanted a family reunion between Coach and his brother.
[Whistle blows] Come on, girls! High knees! Let's go! [Whistle blows] Come on, 58! What the hell is that?! [Whistle blows] This ain't Sunday school! [Whistle blows] You're as useless as your communication degree! [Whistle blows] Well, look at that! A tea party broke out at a football game! [Whistle blows] Get up, Lopez! I'll say when you have heatstroke! That's Mellor's brother? [Chuckles] Look at him! It's like this coach ate our coach! All I see is a big teddy bear who aches for his brother's love.
You know, it's one thing to mix in with your children.
It's another when it's with enormous grown strangers.
You may be right.
Take five, guys! I've got orange slices and Kool-Aid here.
Help yourselves.
Ohh.
Spit it out.
What the hell do you think you're doing, Blondie? I'm here to bring the Mellor boys back together.
It's time to fix things with Coach Rick, Coach Nick.
My brother? [Scoffs] Pass! Not you, Chandler! Nice toss, Chandler! I bet your mama's very proud.
You're not gonna leave here until I agree to come with you, are you? That's right.
Beverly Goldberg never backs down.
Also, I'm extremely intrusive.
Orange slice? Those are meant to be shared.
The weekend had arrived, but it was business as usual for my sister.
Hi! Just doing my nightly RA check-ins.
Any big plans tonight? Oh, yeah.
Huge.
Don't wait up.
I get it, you'll trust me when you're ready.
In the meantime, read this.
"Depression: More Than A Case Of The Mondays"? Mm-hmm.
It happens to a lot of lonely, isolated shut-ins, like you.
I'm not depressed, Srini.
Of course not.
"Denial De Thing Dat You Have.
" Dear Lord, who writes this crap? Such anger.
Luckily, I have the perfect pamphlet for that.
Okay, seriously, do you have a pamphlet for everything? Big-time.
He gave me the one for divorced parents and something else that's totally cleared up now.
Look, I am not depressed or angry or in denial.
I'm just in a long-distance relationship.
Ohh! Of course.
All the signs were there.
You're a textbook BORF! For sure.
Total BORF.
Okay, what the hell is a BORF? It stands for "Boyfriend Obsessed Reject Freshman.
" That's you.
I am not a BORF! It's not a bad thing, Erica.
You're just that sad girl that stays on the phone with her loser boyfriend from high school 'cause she has no life.
That sounds very bad! I don't want to be a BORF! What do I do? Come with me to the Delta Nu party.
It's gonna be bonkers.
Yes! Bonkers! I am there! - I'm just gonna call Geoff - Mmm.
Is something that a BORF would say.
I need help.
I'll get you a pamphlet.
Crimp? Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's game time.
Today's scooter ball captains, Goldberg versus Goldfarb.
Uh, Coach? We went through this already.
Do I really have to get my mom involved again? It's happening, Goldfarb.
Now, get on that tiny scooter, like a man.
[Music Playing] But that day, Coach would have to man up and face his older brother.
Yo! Coach Rick! Coach Nick.
We need to powwow.
Take a knee.
This is my gym.
You take a knee.
Can't, I said "Take a knee" first, so, according to the laws of coaching, you got to take it.
Boys, watch Mellor and Mellor sort through decades of anger, all thanks to me.
It's true.
Blondie came by work the other day and told me you were sad, and so I figured I'd just come by here and tell you personally I'm sorry that you lost your [bleep].
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
Are you that gutless that you got to get some hot mom to come by and whine for you? [Chuckles] Thank you.
I've been waiting to say this my entire life.
You are a mean and rude person! - Excuse me? - You're just jealous 'cause I'm a real coach and you're stuck here.
That's not my fault, but you act like it is, and that is hurtful.
All right, that's it! You're outta here! [Whistle blows] Did you just blow your whistle at me?! Yeah, I did! And according to the laws of coaching, that means you got to take a lap! No.
You take the lap! [Whistle blows] [All gasp] How dare you blow your whistle at me in my gymnatorium?! - You have no right! - But I do.
This is the Blare-X 2000, the Champagne of whistles, given only to college coaches.
So, my whistle wins.
Anybody can get a whistle.
What really matters is what's in here, and you and I both know I always give 110%.
And everyone knows I give 111.
That's not possible! Everybody knows that 110% is the maximum! Boys, think of your poor sweet mother.
You're family.
You have to settle this the right way.
- With sports.
- With sports.
I was thinking kind words and maybe huggies and snuggies.
Never! We settle this on the court, like men.
Scooter ball?! Shouldn't you choose a game you don't suck at? Let's go.
Two-on-two.
Big brothers versus little bros.
Winner takes the title of best brother in the universe.
No! My babies want no part of this.
Yes! I'm on the scary giant's team now.
Barry Goldberg.
Try to keep up.
While I was forced into a brotherly death match, my dad was dead set on keeping Erica occupied on the phone.
Why don't you come on down and get comfy cozy in my chair - and call Erica.
- Really? 'Cause you said if I came within 5 feet of your chair that you'd punch my father.
[Chuckles heartily] That's me, the funny dad havin' fun.
Here's the phone.
I'm gonna get you a cup of joe so you can talk to Erica all night long.
Actually, she's at a frat party.
What? Why? Her 32-year-old sophomore RA called her a BORF, so she's gonna experience college a bit.
Does this recline? Get out of my chair! You're okay with Erica cavorting around Washington, D.
C.
, with a bunch of drunken frat boys? - Yeah, it's fine.
I trust her.
- No! You have to make sure that she's safe and she's committed to you and only you.
Now get out of here! And that's how you keep your daughter a lonely shut-in for another glorious evening.
Or you sent a desperate high-school boy to Erica's college to commit to her forever.
Come on.
He knew what I meant.
He had no idea what I meant.
That boy's got to be stopped.
[Engine starts] If my parents ask, I'm staying with Barry for the weekend.
Thank you for believing in love! No, no, no! That's the opposite of what I believe in! Where are you going? I got to drive like hell, beat that moron to Erica's door! - You need pants! - I'll get 'em on the way! With that, my dad scooted off to stop Geoff from making a huge mistake.
Meanwhile, the gym was packed for the great scooter-ball showdown.
Didn't think there'd be such a big crowd for scooter ball.
You kidding? Some even think we're playing to the death.
To the death? What?! Relax.
It's just a rumor.
But you might want to give him one last squeeze.
This has gone too far.
Mama is putting a stop to this right now.
Don't back down now! You can do this on your own, Goldberg.
You called me by my actual last name.
Yeah, because you finally earned it.
Unless you want to go back to your mother solving all your problems and end up just like me.
Oh, God! That's the last thing I want.
No offense.
Some taken.
But he's right, Mom.
[Stan Bush's "The Touch" plays] I got to stop hiding behind you.
I have to unleash the beast inside of me.
No, Schmoo.
You know you can't eat dairy.
Not that beast! I'm talking about Barry.
It's time he stops looking at me like I'm some lazy-eyed nerd.
It really was.
Thanks to Coach, I finally realized what I had to do Fight.
For every Rec Spec-sporting little brother who suffered a lifetime of living in the shadows.
Game on! [Cheers and applause] I was gonna stand up to Barry by taking a seat and scooting like I never scooted before.
You're going down, Mellor! Not if I take you down first, Mellor! [Music stops, sneakers squeaking] [Music resumes] Go long, baby! Go long! I got you! Look alive! Take the shot, Goldberg! [Distorted] Take the shot! And that day [Distorted] Not in my house! I gave Barry a gym-class smackdown for the first time ever.
And it was glorious! Foul! That was a foul! It doesn't count! You're cheating like you always do, cheater! Oh, please! You got no integrity at all! And you're a butthead.
Why don't you roll over here and call me that to my face.
Here I come, tough guy.
Let's see what you got.
[Audience gasping] [Music distorts] [Both grunting, groaning] Is this what you want when I'm gone? [Grunting, groaning continue] Thanks to my dad's poorly worded advice, Geoff was ready to go big or go home.
- Geoff?! - Erica! I can't believe you're here! I know.
I had to see you.
And why is your dad here? - Schwartz.
- Ugh.
I know.
Some last-minute furniture-convention thing? Yeah.
I said that.
You're going to the Ramada with me.
Uh no.
He'll be staying with me.
Without adult supervision? What do you think this is? College.
I hear dorm drama.
I have a pamphlet for defusing confrontations.
Oh, my.
What's all this? Lameness.
Just Erica totally BORFin' out.
Nobody is BORFing anyone.
Your dad's right.
It wouldn't be appropriate for me to stay.
Unless Oh, boy.
We were married? Is that a ring? I sold my CD collection.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happening, dude? It appears your boyfriend is proposing with a tiny, little diamond flake.
It's a definitely "No" in my opinion.
Do you two mind?! Come on, Erica.
What do you say? Let's throw away our futures and keep this love train chuggin' on down to marriage town.
So poetic.
Get out! Get out! And you! What the hell has gotten into you? Mostly your dad.
So, is this happening, or? Absolutely not! Ohh, thank God.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Goldberg.
She said "No," and I'm super pumped about that.
Wait.
Did you put him up to this? Well, not exactly like that.
Although I could get used to the idea of a long-distance marriage.
Is that why you don't care about the phone bills? Are you trying to keep me from having fun at college? Hey, can I stand up now? Who tries to ruin college for their daughter? Who does that? Hey, he's the one who screwed it up by proposing.
I just wanted him to keep you from having a life.
And I want you both out of my life.
Don't be mad! I was just trying to do what everyone tells me to, like a good boy! I didn't want to make you unhappy.
I just wanted you to be lonely.
Okay, his thing is much worse than mine.
I love [Door slams] Yep, sometimes, it's hard to let go and even harder to admit when you're wrong.
Mind if I grab a hippo? [Sighs] Sorry about gym class.
It's just I've picked on you my whole life, and it's hard to let go, you know? Well, it wasn't all bad.
I mean, you brought out the beast in me, and I scored my first goal in anything ever.
That's all 'cause of you.
After seeing Coach and Coach fight like little children, I realized I don't want that to be us when we get old.
It won't be.
How can you be so sure? 'Cause even though you give me dead arms and call me a nerd and flush the toilet when I'm in the shower, you really are my best friend.
Only you Same here, nerd.
Just like that, my mom's worst nightmare went away.
'Cause that's what brothers do.
Yo, Coach Rick.
They look out for each other.
No matter how old they get.
Coach Nick.
Come back to gloat? No.
We're the ones who dragged him back here.
He's got something he needs to say.
Look I had a hard time as a kid.
I was huge and shy and had a goatee, - so everybody thought I was a narc.
- I remember.
I felt bad about myself, and I took it out on you.
And I'm sorry.
Don't be.
I think you're right, I'm jealous.
You're a real coach and I'm here.
Hey, you turn these little punks into men.
If that ain't great coaching, I don't know what is.
That day, one set of brothers Get that thing out of here and bring it in.
helped another see things a little differently.
Well, that could've gone better.
Yeah, sorry I couldn't go through with marrying your daughter, Mr.
G.
Again, not what I wanted.
But you're a nice boy, and you really do love Erica, so [Grumbles] Maybe someday.
Oh, man.
That means you actually like me? Just get in your tiny French clown car.
- He likes me! - Shut up.
Hey, idiot! Don't go! Um are you talking to him or me? She's talking to you, Schwartz.
Just don't stay out too late.
Wait.
You're okay leaving us alone? Yeah, I trust you.
No, you don't.
Look, it used to be my job to keep you safe.
But I guess I just have to realize that's not my job anymore.
I can't believe my little peanut is all grown up.
Best team you'll ever be part of is your family.
You take a lot of shots in life, and sure, you miss a few, but you're always stronger together.
'Cause in the end, the best teams aren't always the ones who win.
They're the ones who play with their heart.
No more.
No more! I'm serious.
No more! That one's for Mama.
Your ball, Goldbergs.
We're done.
You win.
[Whistle blows] Game.
[Whistle blows] Now it's game.
[Whistle blows] Game! [Whistle blows] Game! [Whistle blows] Game! [Whistle blows] Game! Come on.
Now's our chance.
- Game! Game! - Game! Game! - Game! Game! - Game! Game!