The Goldbergs s05e04 Episode Script

Revenge o' the Nerds

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, '80s video stores.
They were heaven for movie lovers, no matter what you wanted to watch.
And for me, I wanted college comedies, like "Back to School" Hey, Dad, when you were in college, did you ever build a Jacuzzi in your dorm room? - No.
- or "Real Genius" Hey, Dad, did you ever use a laser - to fill a house with popcorn? - No.
and of course, "Animal House.
" Hey, Dad, ever put a horse in your crusty old dean's office? Will you pick a movie already? I got Chinese food stinking up the car! "Revenge of the Nerds" it is.
I hear the 10th viewing is when you really start noticing the nuances.
While I was living the fantasy of college life, my sister was living in the harsh reality "F"? Wait um, Professor? How is this even possible? Oh, well, that's easy.
You weren't here for it.
Son of a While true, not my fault.
See, I've been intensely focusing on my music instead of school work.
Sounds like it's completely your fault.
Please, I cannot fail Intro to Film.
Well, I suppose on the off chance you aced your midterm, you might pull your grade up to a D-.
- Yes! I'm back in the game.
- Great.
It's due tomorrow morning.
Oh, that's not gonna work for me.
A bit of good news I booked my first real gig tonight, the big kegger at Kappa Mu.
It turns out that the Styx cover band "Twygs" bailed and they found my flyer in the trash.
Well, that changes everything.
Except your grade, which is still an "F.
" - No, no, no, no.
All good.
- Good luck.
Oh, I don't need it.
I am gonna ace this sucker, because I love movies.
Who do I know who loves movies? One person jumped to mind.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS] Me I was a legit, die-hard film geek who obsessed over every little detail of every single movie.
Clap your hands, everybody ALL: And, everybody, clap your hands We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu - [TELEPHONE RINGS] - And we've come here on stage tonight To do our show for you Uh, yello? Oh, thank God.
Just the wonderful man I was looking for.
You do know this is Adam, right? Of course.
I was just calling to check in on my handsome guy who knows how to type.
Speaking of, do you know anything about the movie "Blade Runner"? Y-You're jumping around a ton, but it's one of my favorites.
- Come visit right now.
- Seriously? Totally.
I miss you, like, so much.
- That makes my heart happy.
- Okay, great.
Get your little tush on a bus, 'kay? Bye-bye now.
Did your sister just invite us all to college? Let the roller coast of self discovery begin.
If you guys are coming, you've got to play it cool.
The coolest.
We're going to college! - Aha! - Aha! ADULT ADAM: It was October 18, 1980-something, an otherwise average morning in the Goldberg house - until this happened.
- [CHUCKLES] I did it.
I worked the computer all by myself and made my first official resumé.
What do you need a resumé for? Da-doi.
For the Bevolution, my new chapter in life where I move beyond being a mom and start tying new things, like saying "Da-doi.
" - Doesn't work.
- Just horrible.
And now I know.
But you already have a job.
You sub at the school.
Please, I only did that so I could stalk the kids during school hours.
You swore taking that job had nothing to do with us.
I was lying.
Nope, still doesn't work.
Point is, that job was all about you.
The Bevolution is all about me.
Okay, you wanna change? I got it.
Instead of parming shrimp, parm some delicious crab.
Or some of the big shrimp.
You know, the big ones? You dip them into the red sauce.
The big ones.
They're thicker and bigger.
- What are you talking about? - I'm trying to help your wife! The jumbo kind of shrimp, you know, you eat them cold, you dip them into cocktail sauce.
Please stop talking about big shrimp.
I need real ideas for my next big move.
What do I do? Who do I become? Oh, I know.
A whale trainer.
Your mother doesn't even like to get her hair wet.
She's not gonna ride some stupid orca.
Orcas are the nursemaids of the sea.
What do you know? We went to SeaWorld once.
Big Tasty knows everything there is about whales.
You tell me something I don't know about those dumb fish and I'll leave you alone.
One thing.
Did you know whales age in reverse? That's what you know? Shame on you for wasting my time.
Shame on both of you.
I'm trying to change my life here.
So am I.
All this talk about shrimp and whales has gotten me pumped up to start a Barry-o-lution.
What are you talking about? Last year, I had Lainey and I was popular.
This year, I'm garbage.
If Mom can change, so can I.
See what you started? What I've started is a journey towards personal growth.
And if you won't help me figure it out, I'll go to someone who will.
John, I'm embarking on a Bevolution.
I would like you to be my guide.
This will, without a doubt, be the most important meeting of your life.
Um, I'm already in a meeting.
It's cool.
I'll leave.
It's just, for the first time ever, I was thinking about going to college.
- Please leave.
- That's the point, John.
If the Bevolution is successful, I won't be a sub here anymore.
As in, y-you'd quit? Sadly, if I get another job, I shall never grace these halls again.
Atkins, out.
This is on me for opening up.
My God.
It's always been my dream as a guidance counselor to actually one day guide somebody.
What's next? Read this.
"What Color is Your Parachute?" I don't know.
"A practical manual for job hunters and career changers.
" And from what I've read on the back cover, a lot of people think it's a game changer.
As my mom buckled up for some big life changes, my friends and I were ready for the college weekend of a lifetime.
Uh, what's with the freak show? I brought my whole crew.
Thought they could share in the weekend's "Animal House" style shenanigans.
Can you point us to the nearest bikini car wash/ anti-war-protest? Uh, yeah, maybe in a few hours.
I've got this paper on "Blade Runner.
" What? You get to write papers on the best movies ever? Yep.
Just seven more pages left.
Should be done by morning.
Well, what if we helped? Really? You'd help me by sitting here and writing it for me? That's a brilliant idea.
I do have many strong opinions about Harrison Ford's treatment of replicants.
- I call footnotes.
- Great.
You work and I'll go get a fresh batch of books from the library.
Let me just get this musical equipment out of your way.
Seriously, Erica, it means so much that you asked me down here to hang.
So much.
Yeah, it's really worked out for all of us.
You are such good person.
See? The weird kid gets it.
Jolt Cola.
We can stay up for days.
Fine by me.
Just write the paper.
Attention, JTP.
ALL: JTP! The time has come for a Barry-o-lution.
I don't have time to explain what that means, but I am guaranteed to be the sexiest man in all of Jenkintown after my awesome transformation.
I think you should be happy with the way you are.
You're amazing, man.
Save your kind words, Matthew! I was up all night studying the coolest specimens in the history of mankind.
As you can see, they have one thing in common.
Behold their untamed curly locks.
- Whoa.
- He's right.
- He cracked the code.
- According to my calculations, if I join this exclusive club, I am guaranteed to have the greatest senior year in history.
Dude, that's impossible.
You can't just go out and get Bon Jovi hair.
Can't I, Naked Robert? The Toni Home Perm.
My uncle uses that, and he once got confused for John Oates at the airport.
My point is proven.
Time for the Barry-o-lution to begin.
The directions say the longer we leave the curlers in, the tighter the perm will be.
Like the saying goes, more curls, more girls.
I don't think that's a saying, dude.
Do it.
You are gonna love how the pain makes you feel pretty.
I can feel the beauty burning into my scalp.
Hear ye, hear ye! I've just finished the first two chapters of a book, and I've decided I'm going to go to night school and start a career.
Yes! This is such an exciting day for everyone.
Did you say, uh, you're gonna go to night school? That's right.
School at night.
But isn't night when we have dinner and watch TV and then have dessert and watch TV? You can watch "Airwolf" without me.
Also cook and tidy up and help the kids with their homework.
In that moment, my dad knew in order to maintain his easy life, he'd have to divert my mom's focus.
So, he improvised.
Look, I love everything that you're saying.
But why change a little, when you can change a lot? - That's right.
I'm talking hair.
- My hair? Yeah, everyone knows your giant, golden hair-dome.
- It's your thing.
- Well, I have had this exact hair since I was a tiny baby.
Well, you know what they say, "Real change starts on the outside.
" [SIGHS] I have heard something like that.
It's true.
Why just spend all that time at night school when, in just one night, you can change everything.
And so, my dad convinced my mom to kick off the Bevolution with a bigger, bolder, and curlier change.
Is that good or bad? It's bad, right? I can feel it still tightening.
- No, no.
I love it.
- Really? I look like Babs? Total Streisand.
You look like a a beautiful bag of springs.
- I knew it.
- [LUCKY GROWLS] The dog seems agitated.
Yeah, Lucky doesn't like change.
But I do.
Love the change.
Thank you so much, sweetie.
I'm gonna make you your favorite dinner cheesy sausage casserole.
Hoo-hoo! Everybody wins.
While my dad encouraged my mom's curly mop, my friends and I were soaking in a crazy college night.
Stop crowding me, guys.
Everyone's voice will be heard.
Oh, barf, you're here already? Where's your sister? She's in a towel.
Like, hello? - I have a girlfriend.
- I don't.
I'm Dave Kim.
'Sup? Not now, Dave Kim.
Um, she said she'd be right back.
Really? I thought she was playing at Kappa Mu tonight? Wait.
She went to a party without us? Why would she do that? I'm thinking if she didn't tell you, maybe I shouldn't, either.
But it's gonna be ba-nanas.
So, Erica didn't miss me at all? She's only using me for my nerdery? Sorry, man.
Guess it was too good to be true.
- Maybe it still can be true.
- How so? Well, if we know one thing from our favorite college movie, it's that nerds always get their revenge.
It might be the Jolt Cola coursing through my body, but I am an unstoppable force.
Gahhhh! Okay, here's the Kappa house as I see it in my head.
Here's the Jell-O wrestling ring, the beer fountain, the baby-oil wrestling pool, dry T-shirt storage for wet T-shirt contests, and finally, the pillow-fighting pit.
- Maintain focus.
We then proceed past Erica, up the back stairs, and you know what happens then.
- Oh, yes.
Pantry raid.
- Yes.
- Wait, what? - We steal their precious food? Dude, it's not a pantry raid.
In the movie, they steal underpants.
Just follow me.
If we stay low and move fast, this will be the greatest night of our lives.
Time to show college what we're made of, gentlemen.
Barry had permed himself up and couldn't wait for his new 'do to do its magic.
I don't know.
My perm just doesn't seem that perm-y.
I'm gonna be real here.
Your hair looks exactly the same.
Yeah, like a Brillo pad went to town on a lasagna pan.
Or the beginning stages of a Chia Pet.
I've always seen it as a jacked-up bird's nest.
Well, I will never live a life with semi-curly hair.
I must go bigger.
"Industrial Hair Tightener"? According to the sassy lady at the beauty store, this is the strongest perm solution on the market.
It also says it's the premier cosmetic product for show horses.
Directions say 15 minutes max.
I'll double that and go 50.
Dude, do not do that.
Oh, it's done.
I'm going where no perm has gone before.
Looking good, Schmoo.
No one likes a show-off, Mom.
Yep, my mom's new curly 'do had her so confident that she decided she didn't need anyone else's help.
Sweet Medusa.
I'm here to return your book, John.
I don't need it.
As you can see, I've already made some huge changes.
Uh, yeah, it, uh, draws the eye.
Oh, you noticed my permanent.
You like? Um, I guess I have to say yes.
Well, why are you looking at the floor? - Hmm? Am I? - Well, now you're looking at the wall.
Now you're looking everywhere but my hair.
Hmm? I'll have you know my husband loves my hair.
Really? Well, your husband has a very casual relationship with the truth.
How dare you.
Why would he lie to my face? - Uh, survival? - Doesn't matter.
I feel as good as this perm looks.
Okay, well, I wish you a speedy recovery.
You know what? Let's get an honest opinion.
- Thoughts? - You were so hot, Mrs.
Why'd you have to do it? Why? Know what? Change is bad.
Screw college.
Meanwhile, over on campus, me and my pals were ready for action.
Under cover of night, we'd set off on a big-time revenge mission.
Yep, inspired by the classic scene from "Revenge of the Nerds," we'd raid a sorority house.
But when it was finally time to leap into action, reality set in, and we just felt uncomfortable and weird.
Now what? I guess we rifle through their drawers and steal underpants? Um now that we're actually here, it kind of feels weird and invasive.
It felt much more lighthearted in the movie.
If someone stole my private stuff, I'd feel super violated.
I'd call the police.
I mean, it's a legit crime.
Well, we need to get revenge somehow.
And we did, but in our own dorky way.
Pantry raid! Oh, man, they have Fruit Roll-Ups and Donkey Kong cereal? My mom never buys this stuff.
- Shark Bites.
- College is awesome.
There are high-school nerds in the pantry! Ah, there you are, Curly Q.
Uh, the, uh, sausage casserole I was just wondering where it was.
Oh, I'm not gonna casserole anything for you, ever again.
That's a crazy thing to say.
What's going on with you? I know, Murray.
You tried to derail the Bevolution with a perm.
You don't even like it.
It's me, Murray, your big guy.
I love your perm.
Eh, it's fine.
Everyone help Barry.
My head feels like it's covered in lava.
Not now, moron.
I know you hate the perm, Murray.
You only told me that so I wouldn't disrupt your life by growing.
I promised my hair I'd go 50 minutes, but it's only been 10.
- You're an adult lady.
- [GROANS] You don't need to grow.
You'll be fine.
- It's so hot.
- No, it's not fine.
In three years, all our kids will be out of the house, and I'll have nothing.
You'll have me.
Why can't that be enough? It's so hot and so cold.
I like our life the way it is, Bevy.
I like us.
And if you go changing, where does that leave me? This isn't about you.
For once, this was about what I wanted.
Ice-cream sandwiches.
Forget the hair, okay? Just go up and wash it out.
It's a perm, Murray.
It's permanent.
Why do you think they call it a perm? Da-doi.
This is permanent? So, the pain will never stop? Well, you got what you wanted.
The only thing that's ever gonna change about me is my stupid hair.
- My head's numb.
I'm fine now.
- Yeah.
Hello, Kappas.
I am Riki Gold, and this is the Riki Gold Experience.
I hear you love some Styx? Any requests? Play "Mr.
Roboto!" "Come Sail Away" it is.
And two, three, crap.
Oh, thank God.
You know this little pantry raider? Oh, gross.
Wait, did you say pantry? Like, in a kitchen? Help me.
They called the campus cops.
There's tow of them coming in a golf cart.
I can't handle that kind of heat.
Okay, this was a mistake.
So, why don't you just take your little friends and your guitar back to the dorm, okay? Thanks a lot.
Are you seriously blaming me for this? You dragged me up her to write your stupid paper.
- It's complicated, okay? - No, it's as clear as day.
You don't miss me.
You don't even care about me.
That is not true.
I just have a lot of important stuff to worry about.
Gimme a break, okay? College isn't anything like how it is in those stupid movies that you love.
In real life, it is impossible.
Then you should have just asked for my help.
I would've had your back.
Too bad you can't ever do the same when it comes to me.
After my "Revenge of the Nerds" plan went bust, we had no choice but to cut our fantasy college weekend short.
All those college movies lied to us.
"Back to School," "Soul Man," "Animal House.
" I didn't see one toga the entire weekend.
And, honestly, how can Rodney Dangerfield have a hot tub in his dorm? It would be plumbing nightmare.
Just give me a minute, okay? She came back for me.
You guys go ahead.
I live in D.
- Ew.
I'm here for him.
- Me? No.
Look, you're all standing in a clump I'm here for Adam.
Got another paper for me to write? Look, I don't want you leaving, thinking that I don't miss you.
But you don't.
I don't hear from you for months, and when I finally do, it's just to trick me.
I don't ever call because it's been a disaster, dude.
I can't keep up with classes, my music's going nowhere.
I'm on my own, and I just can't keep up.
You're not on your own.
You got me.
- And me.
- Timing, Dave Kim! What I mean is, maybe I can still help.
That party was my last shot at getting on track at college.
It's over.
I refuse to believe that.
And I refuse to believe all those college movies lied.
But we all agreed they did like 30 seconds ago.
No, Chad Kremp.
To you, I say no.
Okay, okay.
We're all on the same team here.
I'm tired of you tearing us down, Chad Kremp.
Not this time.
Why am I suddenly the bad guy? Don't you see? The problem hasn't been that the movies lied it's that we didn't believe in them enough.
I don't want to be a Chad Kremp about this, but I'm not sure I follow.
I think there's a way Erica can get her gig back and we can live out our favorite college movie for real.
At this point, I'm game for anything.
Then it's on.
Sergei, did you bring your violin? Always.
This party is lamesville.
I only came here because Twygs was playing.
I even have their T-shirt.
- I don't know you.
- I drove you here.
- [POP IN DISTANCE] - Little did they know, a rag-tag band of endearing dweebs was about to blow their minds.
And much like the finale of "Revenge of the Nerds," we put all our geeky skills to use.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING] Clap your hands, everybody And, everybody, clap your hands We're a band of high-school geeks Who have come to rock a rhyme We got Davey Kim on the beat we made And we're sorry 'bout doin' that pantry raid We got Chad Presley, he's sty-ah-lin' And my main man Sergei on the violin If you like our sound, let me hear ya scream 'Cause we're finally livin' our college dream Yep, our college dream had officially come true.
[BOOING] Or not.
I don't get it.
College movies taught us that an epic musical rap finale performed by underdogs would win over any crowd.
It didn't, man.
It did the opposite.
- Get off the stage! - Whoo.
Hope everyone enjoyed that amazing, but brief, opening act.
So, who's ready for some Styx? Play "Mr.
Roboto!" "Come Sail Away" it is.
[CHEERING] I'm sailing away Set an open course for the virgin sea I've got to be free Here.
I got you something.
- Not interested.
- Just open it.
What is this? Business cards.
But I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet.
But you will.
And when you do, you're gonna be amazing at it.
Aww, Mur.
Look, I love our life.
I don't want to lose what we have.
I'm happy right here with you.
But I'm at the point in my life where I need more.
And I'm scared, too.
But I-I got to do this.
You do it.
Whatever it takes.
Even night school? Means you're gonna be on your own for a few dinners.
So I'll order some pizza.
You go follow your dreams.
It's a win-win.
With that, my dad fully embraced the Bevolution.
And thanks to Erica's insane musical talent, me and my friends finally got to live out our crazy college weekend.
ERICA: carry on A gathering of angels appeared above my head In the end, sometimes it takes losing sight of the ones you love in order to really see them.
They said, "Come sail away, come sail away Come sail away with me" Yeah, it's easy to be afraid of change.
This is so much better than the movies! But if you face your fears, the future doesn't seem so scary Come sail away, come sail away 'cause when family's fully on board, that's when your life really sets sail.
Come sail away, come sail away with me Come sail away, come sail away Come sail away with me Come sail away, come sail away Come sail away with me I don't understand.
I wanted lush, bouncy curls, but it just won't work.
Don't sweat it.
We'll still let you be a part of the JTP.
Which now stands for the Jenkintown perms.
TOGETHER: JTP! - The curliest crew around.
- Aw, yeah, we are.
Everyone, look.
And laugh.
They gave each other home perms like losers.
You look like a bunch of Q-tips farted out a Slinky.
[BOTH LAUGHING] We've made a terrible mistake.
Thank God those chemicals don't work on my awesome hair.
Oh, no.