The Goldbergs s06e07 Episode Script

Bohemian Rap City

1 ADULT ADAM: Back before you could buy everything ever on Amazon and eBay, you had to go to an actual store to buy toys.
For me, the toy store was a sacred mecca of my lifelong passion.
Even though I was getting older, my toy obsession was for life.
Devastator's on sale? Score.
Transformers? We just got in a new shipment of Rock Lords.
I don't know what that is, but I want them all.
They're GoBots that transform into rocks.
A toy rock? That defines fun.
Take all my lunch money.
Take it right now.
Oh, you're too late.
I knew these would be a hot commodity, so I bought every last Rock Lord.
Thanks a lot, suck lord.
- What'd you call me? - Nothing.
Little did I know, my trip to the toy store was about to be overshadowed by some major news.
Whoa! Kiddo, what you doing? The Berlin Wall's coming down.
This is more important.
But there's freedom in Europe.
Nothing is as historical as this.
They're about to announce the deadline for this year's shopping spree at Toys "R" Us.
Yep, back in the day, there was a contest where one lucky kid got five glorious minutes to grab whatever they wanted, and every year, I dreamed that kid would be me.
It's simple.
You just send in a postcard, and they choose one lucky winner to run around a toy store and grab anything they want.
It's bigger than that sports game where the winner goes to Disneyland.
You know, I entered a sweepstakes as a kid.
Won a big can of peaches.
Well, it wasn't that big.
It was a small can.
But a good peach is a real treat.
So you get my excitement.
Do you actually have a shot at winning this toy thing? I wish.
Last year, Dad only gave me enough money for two lousy stamps.
I'll pay you twice that right now if you leave.
But if I win, I'm not grabbing you anything.
Pops, what would you like? Name it.
How about one of those backscratchers your father loves? Backscratcher? It's a toy store.
He's talking about this thing.
That's my Hot Wheels track! No, don't rub that against your body.
Ah, damn it, I can't get it.
Al, come on and reach it.
Get no man's land.
Come on.
- Is this good? - Ahhh.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was November 7, 1980-something, and my sister and her band were watching "Star Search.
" Long before "American Idol," this was the one big show that turned regular people into overnight superstars.
[GASPS] We got to get on "Star Search.
" I mean, it'll be the fastest way to get famous without having to do any work whatsoever.
Yes! That idea is so perfect for us.
Then it's settled.
We'll win "Star Search.
" You know, I've been secretly second-guessing our decision to drop out of college until this very moment.
Now all we need is the perfect audition song.
You know, I wrote a song that may just do the trick.
"I Wanna Rock Your Body"? Dude, I love this title! Let's do it.
And I love the rest of the words.
[ELECTRIC HUMMING] [CLACKING] I saw you cross the dance floor And I know what you're looking for I'm feelin' a bit naughty I wanna rock your body Guys.
I like what my ears are hearing.
That's the song you wrote about rocking my body, right? - What? - Uh - What? - Well, I mean, the body in the song that's being rocked obviously belongs to someone.
Who does the body belong to, Lainey? - Barry.
- Barry? My brother Barry? My My mother's son Barry? Barry Barry? Yeah, this is what you're singing about.
We are [GAGGING] never doing that horrible song.
Look, we agreed our band's a democracy, so we vote on it.
Raise your hand if yes to rocking Barry's body.
No! No, you do not get to vote.
You are not even in our band.
But my body is.
It's part of the band's musical legacy.
Erica, any way you swing it, you're outvoted, which means this is our audition song.
From the top.
You're a sexy hotty Ow! - [GAGS] - [GAGS] I was forced to sing about my brother's soft torso.
Okay, that's just wrong.
You should be singing about my soft torso.
Stupid band democracy.
You know, for once, I would love to sing on my own without needing group permission.
Hey, no one ever said recording a hit record was easy.
Oh, but it was, thanks to the classic '80s mall recording booth.
Whoa, what is that? Hi, I'm John Calabasas, and you're looking at Willow Grove's first Professional Recording Booth and Lip Sync Studio Palace.
Do you perchance dabble in the art of vocal songestry? Does she? She's in, like, the best band in Jenkintown.
We're not.
I mean, we're good.
Maybe the best.
Look, I don't know you, and I've never heard you sing, but the second I heard you mention anything remotely connected to music, I knew that I was looking at a future rock-'n'-roll superstar.
No way.
I mean, maybe.
Sure, yes.
"Sure, yes" is right, and I insist that you come and record a demo.
So I've slashed my usual rate of $500 a session to the impossibly low price of just $19.
That's such a deep discount.
This guy knows his math.
Look, I'm being financially irresponsible over here, but I really feel like this lady's voice has got to be heard.
You're so amazingly generous.
She'll do it.
And just like that, Erica was cutting her first real demo in a mall, and she picked a real doozy.
Mama, just killed a man Uh, I got to stop you.
So, you really can actually really sing.
Yeah, so? So, I'm not used to hearing people sing like actual singers.
Like I said, she's in an awesome band.
They may even be on "Star Search.
" "Star Search" the TV show? Well, it's a possibility.
Okay, look, I'm gonna be half-honest with you guys before, when I said you're gonna be a rock-'n'-roll superstar, I wanted to believe it because I'm an optimist with a big heart, but now I really do believe it.
- And I want to be your manager.
- Seriously? You just got discovered in a mall! This always happens! Great! But there are two other girls in the band.
Look, I can tell just from how I know nothing about them but those no-talent hacks are holding you back.
But if you go solo, we will for sure conquer the music biz.
So, they stack one on top of the other? I have seen everything.
And to think, all this time, I've just been storing my cereal in the box it came in.
Pardon me, ladies.
I'm filming a super important battlescape, and my camera's picking up all your tuppery talk.
Sorry, Schmooey.
We'll do better.
[CHUCKLES] C'mon, gals.
Let's take our food-storage party into the living room.
I don't understand.
What is he doing? What? Uh, what is this? What's with the judgy murmuring? Bevy, we think it's time we had a Yenta-vention.
- About what? - About Adam.
Look, we all love his creativity and his wild imagination as much as you do.
It's just that He's an adult who plays with dolls.
And you're an adult who smells like a sack of monkey [BLEEP].
- You're lashing out.
- I'm lashing out.
Bev, I know this is hard to hear.
But you know Adam's too old to be playing with toys, and it's getting kind of - Weird and sad.
- Sad and weird.
How could you seriously think that Adam's favorite lifetime hobby is in any way weird? It's crazy! [IMITATING FLYING, SHOOTING LASERS] [GRUNTING] Damn it! I grew out of my laser voice.
Everybody thinks Adam is both sad and weird.
- Sure.
- You're his father.
Help him be better.
Give the kid a break.
He's only 12.
He's 16! - That can't be right.
- Well, it is.
Now get off your ass and go teach him a real adult hobby.
What do I know from hobbies? I don't have any stupid hobbies.
Is that right? Stamps, Murray.
You love stamps.
That is your hobby.
Hobbies are dumb and silly.
Stamps are a smart financial investment.
You know, Rock Hudson got a stamp.
Good for him, right? Okay, I don't care what the hell you call it.
Just show Adam how much fun you have stamping with your stamps.
I'll introduce Adam to the noble world of stamp collecting, but once again, not a hobby.
Stamps are serious business.
[CHUCKLES] Snoopy! Silly puppy.
[CHUCKLING] Right there.
- What the hell is this? - It's a demo she had made at the mall.
We came here to confront her about it.
- I know that.
I was just being dramatic.
- Oh.
You made a demo without us? No.
Geoff just paid for me to sing at some dumb recording booth at the mall, but thanks for thinking the worst of me.
- Oh, man, I'm sorry.
- We're insecure people.
I mean, did a talent manager ask to rep me? Yes.
But I told him I'm in a band and basically not interested.
"Basically"? So you are interested? She's so gonna ditch us and go solo.
Guys, I would never go solo.
I mean, did I crush "Bohemian Rhapsody"? Obviously.
And did it floor a manager with my soulful angel voice dripping with polished talent? Of course.
- Wait, you did "Bohemian Rhapsody"? - So? It's the greatest rock song ever written, and you and I both know I am the only one with the vocal chops to do it justice You seriously think you're the Freddie Mercury of this band? [CHUCKLES] Oh, I know I'm the Freddie Mercury.
You are so not the Freddie Mercury.
If anything, I'm Freddie Mercury.
We all know a band only has one Freddie Mercury, which is me.
Well, if I'm not the Freddie Mercury, then why did my manager sign me and not you? You said he wasn't your manager! BARRY: Band splitting up? Yeah, I knew this would happen.
No, and go away.
You're dripping Popsicle all over yourself.
Or am I dripping knowledge? Fact! Lainey doesn't need any of you 'cause she has the best manager of all time who started yesterday me.
You hear that? I'm going solo, not you.
Doesn't matter 'cause I just went solo right here in this moment.
You both can't go solo because then I'm left alone, - and I have to go solo, too.
- Don't blame me.
I only went solo because Lainey went solo first.
Actually, it just so happens my solo project - needs a drummer.
- Done.
Okay, toy time's over, moron.
This isn't toy time.
It's the "Transformers"/ "Star Wars" crossover event the world's been begging for.
That's gibberish for "toy time," and you're too old for it.
Here's how actual normal adult people have fun.
It's just a book of postage.
It's a collection of stamps.
Ohh, I get it.
See, you grew up in olden times when there were no toys.
All you had were dolls made out of corn cobs and a stick and a hoop.
That's why you're an angry, broken man who thinks stamps are a hobby.
Learn about stamps or you're grounded, moron.
I'll give your tiny, lickable history squares a stupid chance.
And if you take to them, maybe my stamp collection can become our stamp collection.
I can have the stamps? I don't see why not as long as you give up plastic toys and robits.
Come to think of it, I may actually get a lot out of these things.
That day, I really came to appreciate my dad's stamps by using them as actual stamps.
Buckle up, Pops.
Your favorite grandson is guaranteed to win the contest of a lifetime.
I see what this is.
You rigged the contest, huh? I did that with the peaches.
No, I won this fair and square.
I mailed in over 600 entries.
Whoa! Where'd you get the dough for all that postage? Dad gave me all his stamps.
Those stamps aren't for mailing.
They're for admiring.
Chill! I thought of everything.
See, when I win the contest, I get thousands of dollars in toys.
I'll just sell a few bikes and Nintendos and buy back all of Dad's stamps.
That actually makes a shred of sense.
MAN: Okay, the big moment's here.
This year, Toys "R" Us received a record number 2 million entries! - Wha What he say? - Oh, no.
And the winner is Maria Hernandez! Oh, no.
Oh, balls, no! - You didn't win.
- I know I didn't win, Pops! You're in serious trouble.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I really am.
Oh, no! Oh, no! [BREATHES HEAVILY, WHIMPERS] ADULT ADAM: After the Dropouts were dropped by Erica, they decided to audition for "Star Search" without her.
To me Dude, Ed McMahon is gonna spill his giant tumbler of scotch when he hears this.
We are so the stars "Star Search" is searching for.
What the hell? You stole my audition song? You can't steal her song.
Last time I checked, Queen wrote the song.
- We're just covering it.
- But she's right, Queen did write it.
I'm doing the Rhapsody.
You can't have two Rhapsodies.
That's true, you can't have two.
Then pick another Rhapsody.
- Maybe you should pick another? - There's only one Rhapsody, and it's the Bohemian one.
But it doesn't matter.
Good luck with your little Queen cover.
I have a real manager, and he already booked me a gig.
- No way.
- What? Managers book gigs? Oh, yeah.
I'm playing the food court at the Willow Grove Mall tomorrow.
The food court? But that has, like, tons of foot traffic.
And it's where I'm recording my "Star Search" tape in front of a live audience.
You can't do a live audition.
You'll feed off the energy of the crowd.
You can't do this to us.
Managers book gigs? As Erica went Hollywood on her friends, I went to the one person who could help me.
Momma! I have a very important stamp-based conundrum.
Hold the Mahj, ladies.
Did you hear that? My son is a very adult, grown-up stamp-collector.
Wow, good for you.
Yep, stamps are my thing, and I need to talk about stamps right now over here.
Uh, Murray's even sharing his incredibly rare and valuable stamp collection with Adam.
He's really taken to it.
Like a stamp to a letter.
Also, private convo now.
You know, stamps aren't even really a hobby.
They're more of a sound financial investment.
- Dad's stamps are gone! - What? I used them on a toy contest to get toys 'cause I want more toys.
- We should go.
- No, stay.
He didn't mean that.
Adam, tell my dear friends that you're a mature stamp gentleman.
Who cares what these crazy bats think? Dad's gonna kill me.
Your instincts were right.
You should go.
Hello, Willow Grove Mall, or as it shall henceforth be known, Willow Groove Mall, am I right? Whoo! You are right! Thank you, lone sir.
I am John Calabasas of John Calabasas Talent Management and Mall Recording Boothness.
And today we're doing a live recording for "Star Search" audition tape.
I love you, Rikki Gold! You hear that? They love you, Rikki Gold.
By the way, I am totally diggin' that name change.
Oh, it's 'cause, you know Yeah, I know.
Ladies and gentlemen without jobs, I give you Rikki Gold! With that, Rikki Gold unleashed the best song ever - Mama, just killed a man - in the worst way possible one person singing a four-part harmony.
[DEEP VOICE] Bismillah [NORMAL VOICE] No, we will not let him go [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Let him go [DEEP] Bismillah [NORMAL] Will not let him go [HIGH-PITCHED] Let me go [DEEP] Bismillah [NORMAL] We will not let you go [HIGH-PITCHED] Let me go [NORMAL] Will not let you go [HIGH-PITCHED] Let him go [NORMAL] Will not let you go Never let you go-o-o-o-o No, no, no, no, no, no Uh, no.
No, no, no.
Uh, sorry, folks.
Thanks so much for coming out.
- There a problem? - You're doing great.
One little note.
I'm quitting as your manager.
You can't quit.
I signed the contract.
This contract? Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT] This has been voided.
Sorry, kid.
Not everybody can be Freddie Mercury.
Don't tell me that now.
You're the one who told me to ditch my best friends.
Good luck with everything.
except music.
While Erica's solo career was crumbling, me and my mom were trying to fix my dad's stamp collection.
Thanks for bailing me out of this unforeseen accident of not winning a nation-wide toy contest, Mama.
Well, you owe me, Schmoo.
I spent butt-loads replacing every one of your father's stupid stamps.
Guess who found us a 1972 "Preserving Wetlands" stamp? Oh, yes.
Let's just put it in the binder, and we will be - These are not my stamps.
- What? These are most certainly your stamps.
No, no, no, my '39 Kitty Hawk had a crease in the left-hand corner.
Maybe it got un-creased over time? You can't un-crease a stamp crease.
You don't know that for sure.
I know everything about stamps.
My first job was sorting mail at the town post office.
Ohhh, balls.
He's introducing new personal history.
Even though that job was long and mind-numbing, I was happy to do it 'cause I just lost my mom.
Ohhh, no! I've re-opened a terrible childhood wound.
The only thing that brought me joy that year was learning about the colorful postage from around the world.
Oh, no, those stamps hold a deep emotional value! Of course they do.
Those stamps made me happy.
I want them back.
They're gone, dude.
[SCREAMS] Okay, I can explain.
Don't explain.
It won't help.
Or will it? See, Toys "R" Us Toys? You ruined my stamps over toys? Let's see how you like it.
[GRUNTING] - What are you doing? - Ruining Adam's toy.
That's Stretch Armstrong.
He's made to be unbreakable.
Ahh! Oh! Ha! I broke the red one's head.
Nah, that just means you won.
Say goodbye to these.
Those are Wall Crawlers.
You're just playing with them as intended.
Bevy, I told you this would happen.
I knew the moron would screw up my favorite hobby.
But you said this was just a smart investment and not a hobby at all.
We both knew it was a hobby! [VOICE BREAKING] My favorite hobby in the world.
Oh, God, are you sad? Enjoy your toys.
ADULT ADAM: Erica's solo career may have crashed and burned, but The Dropouts were about to be on fire.
Hey, best friends.
Huge news.
I fired my manager, so now I'm totally avail to get our band back together.
So, you blew it at the mall and came crawling back 'cause you're a giant pile of failure? What? No.
I-It's like they say the music business is a friend business.
Yesterday, I was at the mall flirting with the totally hot manager at Sunglass Kiosk.
His name is Randy.
He wears tank tops even though it's winter.
He lives in a boat parked in his parent's backyard.
Anyway, I saw you bomb hard.
Oh, you saw that, huh? Don't listen to her, Erica.
She likes a guy named Randy.
Okay, so, question would you be open to the "crawling back to grovel" option? Too late.
We're about to record our audition for "Star Search.
" That's right.
And we're about to make "Bohemian Rhapsody" even better.
How do you make the greatest rock song in the world better? It's right there in the title "Bohemian Rap City.
" Rap City.
You think it's Rap City? Duh.
How can they make a song set in a rap city and not have one single sick rhyme or fresh beat? Hit it! Mama [RAPPING] I'm so, so sorry Just killed a man With the power of karate Put a gun against his head And my foot Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Killed him with my foot Mama - You gave birth to a ninja - Life had just begun Now they're locking up my feet But now I've gone and thrown it all away Oh, I also hit him with some nunchucks - Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh - I'm sorry that he died I'm sorry I committed foot homicide Didn't mean to make you cry Whoops! If I'm not back again this time tomorrow - Carry on, carry on - Barry's gone, Barry's gone - As if nothing really matters - And you'll lose the world's best rapper Too late I can't unkick his face My time has come I'm moving to outer space - Send shivers down my spine - I'm also from Mars Body's aching all the time I forgot to mention that Goodbye, everybody - I'm an alien - I've got to go And I got no private parts, yo! Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth I'll miss you, Rap City - Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh - And so I sail past the moon Goodbye, Rap City Hope I see y'all soon Blasting off to hyperspace Maybe you can follow me That's where I'll be starting my own rap colony Chocolate milk fountains on every street And big golden statues of my murderous feet My name is Big Tasty, and I am no comedian Just god of the universe Also I'm Bohemian - Mm, mm, mm - Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.
What? - We need you back.
- Really? Well, let's be honest.
Our band needs its Freddie Mercury.
Come on, we both know that's you.
Honestly, I-I thought it was you.
Actually, I realized today that we don't need a frontman.
You know what's worse than bombing at some mall? Having to do it alone.
Well, you'll never be alone again.
Sometimes, you don't realize how important something is until it's gone, and you do whatever it takes to find it again.
- Hey.
- Don't.
The stamps are gone.
It's over, okay? Here.
I got us tickets to the Abington Stamp Expo.
I heard there's an 80th anniversary Pony Express up for auction.
You don't have to pretend to like my dumb hobby just for me.
I-I get it.
Stamps are more than just a hobby.
They were a bright spot when you were a kid.
You could say that.
Well, that's what all my action figures are for me.
No matter how old I am, these toys remind me of a time when things were just easy and fun, you know? I do know.
I really do.
So, what do you say we make some new bright spots and go to your Stamp Expo? Let's go get that Pony Express.
ADULT ADAM: So often, we get carried away thinking we can do things better on our own.
The fact is, life is better when you're part of a team.
When you have people you truly love backing you up, everything rocks harder, sounds better, - and shines brighter.
- - Ooh-ooh - And in the end, nothing really matters more than keeping the band together.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah Ten years later later the Transformers have been dumped on the Junk Planet Trashatron! But look! Chewbacca and his friends will save them.
- - ADAM AND REAL ADAM: I think we should go check it out, Hammerhead! [HIGH-PITCHED] Yes, that would be a good idea.
[NORMAL] Oh, no, the trash pile is collapsing! Aah! - - REAL ADAM: Stamps are our hobby.
- [DING] - REAL ADAM: We have a wide, wide selection of very exotic stamps.
- MURRAY: Stop it! - Aah!