The Goldbergs s06e08 Episode Script

The Living Room: A 100% True Story

1 The '80s gave us countless fad diets and fitness crazes.
From Body By Jake to Buns of Steel, my mom did 'em all.
My dad, not so much.
I just got off the phone with Dr.
Emory.
We need to have a little pow-wow Oh, crap, here we go.
He got the results of your blood work back, and your triglycerides are over 500! Wow! That's amazing! Way to go, Dad! No, it's a bad thing.
Oh, no! You're blowing it, Dad! You and I are going on a serious health kick, starting now.
It's called Sweatin' to the Oldies, and that is Richard Simmons.
He plays Motown hits, and you and I will sweat together as a couple! Fun! Getting schvitzy to old-timey tunes? That does sound fun! Bevy, go grab my walking sneakers out of the back of the closet.
What's going on? Why is Dad standing as if to participate? Because your mother is right.
Today begins a new me.
Time for Richard Simmons to take us down to Funky Fitness Town! For my beautiful angel, anything.
[LAUGHS] Since when do you walk or wear sneakers or participate in life? Here's the deal.
Every year after I see the doctor, your mom forces me to do some stupid new exercise fad.
Since when? I've never seen that.
Exactly! Right before we start working out, I bombard your mom with a year's worth of compliments.
So you don't compliment the lady all year long? No, I save it all for this very moment.
And it gets her all flustered and distracted, and that's when I ask her out - for a big, fancy lobster dinner.
- Why? Your mom forgets all about exercising, and I get to dump ocean meat into hot butter.
But they list lobster as market price on the menu.
You say they're vague on purpose to rip you off.
Oh, it's so worth it, man.
I don't want to exercise.
Okay, there's no way any of this actually works in the real world.
Time to shake it, Mustang Murray! And so my dad put his plan into action.
Go easy on me, because I'm not in perfect shape like you are.
Me? [LAUGHING] Oh, stop it.
Maybe it's just your beautiful new haircut? I didn't think you noticed.
How could I not? It looks like you're wearing a golden crown, which makes sense because you're my queen.
And you are my big, grumbly king.
How about we head downtown to Bookbinders for a delicious lobster dinner? Well, I better get outta this spandex and put on my sparkliest sweater.
And that is how you never move your body.
You're not a very good life partner.
Thank you.
[YELLS] I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was November 28th, 1980-something.
and I was in a real quandary, thanks to my toy truck.
Sup, nerd.
My Big Trak programmable robo-truck went rogue and rolled into the living room.
Ohh, man.
Not the living room.
Yep.
Our living room.
It was my mom's pride and joy.
She kept it like a pristine museum, and for us, it was completely off limits.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] Can you be a heroic big sis and trot in there and grab it for me? Hell no! You know that room is off limits and only used when Mom wants to entertain her old, lame-ass friends on her old, lame-ass furniture.
Ugh.
And don't get me started on The owls.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] You want my advice? I'd forget the toy truck.
It's gone.
Move on.
But I can see it right there! This is crazy.
The point of a living room is to use it for actual living.
- I'm going in! - You're a klutz.
If you knock over any of mom's junk, you'll be as dead as those owls.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] Just be my lookout.
All I need is two seconds [FLOORBOARD CREAKS] Someone just stepped foot in my living room.
Who just stepped in my living room? Adam, why'd you just step in my living room? I just wanted my thing.
You know the rules.
This room is a treasure and reserved only for entertaining the creme de la creme of Jenkintown.
I'm just ten steps away.
Lemme grab it and get back to my childhood.
No! Those Nikes are filthy.
Now back out of the room on your own footsteps so you don't ruin my priceless Oriental rug I bought in Jersey.
Priceless? You mean this funky old crap is worth, like, actual money? Of course.
Every piece in this room has been carefully curated over my lifetime.
And one day, it will all be yours.
Wow.
Which one of these eyesores is worth the most? Tell me now! If it's worth cash, I'll take it.
Just think about all the Garbage Pail Kids I can buy.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Every museum-quality piece in this room is a valuable family heirloom and can never be sold.
So, if we can't sell them, how are they valuable? Because they have the greatest value of all.
Sentimental value.
- Boo! - I just wanted comical trading cards.
Listen, I won't have my children fighting over my treasures, which is why I have these stickers with your names on them.
Just slap a sticker on whatever brings you joy, and boom! This matching chair set is yours.
Ew! I don't want that big, ugly chair and its tiny, malnourished twin.
I'll give you a few moments alone to see what speaks to you.
Greetings, stupid Matt Bradley and JTP.
- Stupid Matt Bradley and JTP! - Stupid Matt Bradley and JTP! Barry's always ragging on me, it's the best.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
I've called this meeting to discuss a very serious problem.
Ever since I decided to be a doctor, I've been learning a lot about health stuff.
Did you know diet and exercise are important to living a long life? - Rings a bell.
- Sure.
You just learned that? Apparently, my dad's Tetris-Cyclopses are outta control, and I'm worried.
He really means the world to me, but how do I let him know? Why don't you just, like, tell him? With words to his face? Are you serious right now? Just open your heart and be like, "I love you.
" Now, when you say "I love you," do you really mean not talking to him for a year, - but he just knows? - No! I mean, say the words.
Now, when you say "Say the words," do you really mean go up to him with the intent of saying it and then chickening out and screaming, "Stop trying to control my life!"? I'm talking about actual words or even a hug.
Now, when you say "hug," do you really mean rough horseplay that ends with me getting tackled through drywall? What is going on in your homes? Guys, what Matt's trying to say is I need to use a series of lies to trick my dad into exercising.
No, that's legitimately the opposite of what I'm trying to say.
Let's do it, JTP! - JTP! - JTP! [CHUCKLES] I'm starting to like you.
- This is Jeopardy! - Hey, Barry.
You're looking very trim, fit, and attractive today.
Thank you, Geoffrey Schwartz.
Would you believe I got this fit without exercising at all? You did not exercise? But that is impossible! Not anymore, thanks to Tommy Lasorda! What is this? Why are you morons acting out a weird play in front of my TV? It's not weird, Dad.
It's SlimFast.
- Tell me more.
- You got it, Andrew.
World Champion baseball manager Tommy Lasorda has conquered hunger cravings forever.
Hey, I saw that product advertised on the TV! I just happen to have that commercial already in the VCR.
Shall we? Well, I lost 30 pounds in three months.
I have a delicious shake for breakfast God, I hate the Dodgers.
Turn it off! That's Tommy Lasorda? But he's so sexy! And you can be just as sexy.
And I'm so sorry, Barry made me say this.
You got it, Geoff.
It's not just healthy, it's delicious.
Fine.
If I drink the damn shake, will you morons leave me alone? I'm not involved in this.
Not bad.
Hey, I don't think you chug it all at once You gotta savor it.
That counts as your lunch.
No, these crab cakes are my lunch.
No, you drink that instead of the crab cakes.
So, when do I eat my crab cakes? Later, during your sensible dinner.
But your mom made lasagna.
Okay, you don't get the shake, the crab cakes, and the lasagna.
Well, let's give it a shot, who knows? Oh, no! You just added a ton of milkshakes into your dad's life.
I just love having our fancy brunch in your fancy living room, Beverly.
Oh, you're so sweet to call it fancy, Essie.
But it is.
So fancy.
Not to be a nosy-Nellie, but why are there stickers on everything? Oh, my sweet Adam and Erica just can't wait to claim which of my heirlooms they want to display for their friends and family one day.
Then why is everything stickered for Barry? What? Can't be right.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] Unbelievable.
I have been collecting and curating my whole life, and they want nothing? My kids don't want any of my beautiful china.
My dream has always been to pass down my priceless Hummel collection to my kids, but they find them creepy and dead-eyed.
Charles and I would like Chad to take over the flower shop, but he'd rather play Nintendo and drink his precious Pepsi.
If our kids don't want anything we value, then why are we saving it in the first place? Well, my big game plan is to get really old and die and then they have to take it out of obligation.
Okay, yes, we all agree your dying would be the best-case scenario.
But that's not really something we can explore - as an option right now.
- Then what do we do? If our kids aren't going to appreciate any of this, then we will.
Starting tomorrow, I am gonna sell everything in here and use the money for me.
No, for us.
I'm gonna buy us all a cruise to the Bahamas like that Kathie Lee Gifford sings and dances about.
Oh! Go, Bev! Frentas forever! [LAUGHS] All right, I'm home.
Nobody bother me! Wow! Look who's fresh from work and is immediately dropping his pants at the door.
What the hell, moron? Why is there a metal octopus in my den? This is a Bowflex, an all-in-one total body sculptor which has been assembled by the greatest minds of my generation.
That's us.
Really hoping this bar isn't crucial in any way.
I don't care what it is, it's blocking my chair, and that's where I do my best sitting.
Starting now, you only sit in this.
And through the power of science and pulling, it will transform your body into Lorenzo Lamas.
I don't know who that is, but I hate his name and this Moron-Flex thing.
You haven't even tried it! Watch as I flex these bows.
- Ah! - You really want a workout? Clean this up and take it out to the garbage.
[SIGHS] Damn it! Why won't he fall for my ingenious traps of health and wellness? Okay, you love your dad, right? Just tell him how you feel and stop with the tricks.
With that, Barry went and did the next logical thing.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Coach accepts your challenge.
Molding your lumpy father into hardened steel will forever be my legacy.
This is a good choice.
I made a good choice.
Now that we rejected our mom's prized possessions, she went to the one place where they would fetch top dollar.
Okay, our auction begins tomorrow at noon.
You have the catalogue.
Everything is in it.
I set some preliminary prices to get the ball rolling.
Any questions? Yes, many questions, starting with what the [BLEEP]? Oh, wow.
Your pricing is embarrassingly low.
Okay, well, why don't you name some prices, and we'll come to a happy medium.
And that's exactly what she did.
You think an umbrella stand made of pure antique brass is $50? No.
Try $2,000.
This commode is one-of-a-kind.
I'll take no less than $6,802.
This Victorian-style chandelier needs all-new wiring and bulbs and is $42,000 American.
Chippendale-style slant front desk.
It has my son Barry's name carved in it, which makes it $100,000 exactly.
Semi-authentic Cherry Blossom privacy screen.
I think 1.
2 is fair, but I don't want to seem unrealistic, so 1.
1.
This golden red velvet couch is the aria of my personal furniture opera.
I'll accept no less than $6.
5 million.
This is priceless.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] The display of dead owls is priceless? See, I bought them on my honeymoon in London, and you can't just bring things like this back into our country for disease-control reasons, so when I was at customs, I pretended to be a science teacher in need of them for my students.
That can't possibly be true.
That story is 100% real.
Which is why this item is so special, one cannot put a monetary value on it.
Let me take a stab.
60 bucks? I hear you, and I'm willing to go down to $40,000.
ERICA: "Michael Locati Auction House presents "The Beverly Goldberg Million-Dollar Estate Sale"? Oh, my God! Is this for real? Look, $40,000 for our ugly-ass red garbage couch.
That's my couch I didn't want! But now I do! No, you passed on it, so now it's mine.
[RUSTLING] And I will fight you for it! Hey.
[CHUCKLES] I wasn't just standing out here waiting, but since I am here, I wanted to let you know that you're too late to have my prized heirlooms.
But those belong to our family! And soon they'll belong to wealthy European tycoons.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Caribbean cruise to plan with the Frentas.
Those sassy cows are living high off our inheritance.
Unreal! Well, I suppose I do have a few baubles left.
If either one of you would like to claim them - Those baubles are mine! - I call all the baubles! Ohh! Ohh, this is a big win for me.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Gah! Mornin', Murray Goldberg! You did the right thing calling in Coach from the bullpen.
- I didn't call anyone.
- I did.
Coach is here to whip us both into shape.
- But mostly you.
[CHUCKLES] - Ho, yeah.
Now, are you ready to begin the long, painful journey to physical perfection? What do you say? I say get out of my house.
Barry said you'd say those exact words.
But Coach never knows when to go away, so pop off that shirt and let me see what I'm working with.
Nobody's popping off anything.
Don't worry.
When I'm done with you, that shirt's gonna pop itself off.
Are you ready to feel the burn? Of course he wasn't.
And so my dad proceeded to break down Mellor just like he did with my mom.
You know what, Coach? Your fiery fitness words have me pumped up.
- Hot dog! - Score! Bar, go grab my walking sneakers out of the back of my closet.
On it! Just go easy on me.
Clearly, I'm not in perfect shape like you.
Oh.
Well, I wouldn't say "perfect.
" Elite, maybe.
Are you kidding? They ought to put up a statue of you in the town square.
Well, I'm not a vain man, but if a statue of me inspired the town to physical fitness, I wouldn't object.
Hey, what do you say we stop off at the buffet at the Ritz in Center City and map out a game-plan? That's the fanciest breakfast in town.
They put parsley on every plate, even the ones that don't need it.
Your body's a fine-tuned machine, Coach.
You need to feed it the best triple-stack waffles and buttermilk biscuits in town.
Well, I do allow myself a cheat day once a decade, and that day's arrived! Go warm up the car.
You got it.
Today, we feast! Hello, and welcome.
Today, we begin with items from the Beverly Goldberg Collection.
First up is this unique red sitting opportunity.
And the bidding begins at $40,000.
Anyone? Anyone? Tell them it's a family heirloom.
My grandfather made a horse carry it across Slovania.
The horse was proud, but never the same.
Okay.
Anyone want to be a part of this lady's upsetting history? Anyone? What's happening? Why is no one getting in on that bargain basement price? You know, if you really wanted this to sell, you would let me lower the price to something like $200.
There you go.
$200, going once.
That is highway robbery! Essie, quick! Bid $100,000.
I'm not doing that.
Why? Honestly, 'cause that couch looks like it belongs in a bordello.
Fine.
Virginia! You always do what I say.
Bid right now.
But I don't want to.
This fidgety blond woman wants to bid $100,000.
- I really don't! - No, she really doesn't.
Anyone? Anyone? Any real bids? Anyone at all? I bid $500,000.
Ignore that woman.
And sold for $200! No! Unsold! Next up, we have Oh, Lord.
I bid $10 million.
I'm taking it all back.
No one touch my stuff.
Happy this is over.
Moving on! While my mom's auction proved to be a bust, my dad was proving that even Coach couldn't whip him into shape.
Ugh.
Tummy so full.
I gotta unbutton There's the stuff.
Yeah.
What the hell? Why are you slothing around with Coach instead of getting fit? Gimme another sleeve of Double Stufs, Mur-Money.
Dude, your dad ruined Coach Mellor.
It's been one day! How? I know how! You fed him fancy foods and compliments like with Mom, didn't you? I didn't compliment anyone, moron.
Well, you said my calves look like recently picked coconuts.
Right off the tree.
You leave me no choice, Father.
It's time I express my feelings for you in a totally real and honest way.
- You can do it, Bar! - No! Don't do it, man! I'm scared, but there's no going back.
I can't watch this.
Prepare to hear everything that's in my heart.
Okay, I think it's time for ol' Coach to scoot.
- No, you stay! - What's happening? I want everyone to watch me openly, directly communicate with my dad.
What? Don't do any of that.
- This can't be done! - Dad - Don't say it, man.
- I care about you.
- Oh! He said it.
- I don't know where to look.
Stop using those words at me.
You mean everything to me! - Oh! - Don't! - It's too raw.
- But I mean it.
- No! - That's no way for a son to talk to his father.
I don't have to sit here and listen to this crap.
Don't you walk away from me.
You will listen to all my loving words! Why are you doing this? - Go, Murray! Go! - Just listen to me! I'm worried about you, okay? Why? I'm fine.
I just want you to be around for a long time, okay? I'm not going anywhere, moron.
But you can be better, do better.
I need you healthy and here with me.
I want you to be at my wedding, I want you to hold my baby someday.
I want you to be in my life for as long as possible 'cause I love you.
For the first time ever, my brother truly told my dad what was in his heart.
Unfortunately, my dad just couldn't do the same.
I don't know what you want me to say here.
My friends are right.
There really is no use in talking to dads.
After the big auction was a bust, we had to bust our butts to get everything back home.
Damn it, Adam! These things are priceless.
Look where you're going.
No way! I can't make direct eye contact.
They'll come to life and take me.
Okay, just put it down.
You're being ridiculous.
Can't we just leave them on the curb? The owls had a family, and they deserve to get closure.
I'm not gonna leave my most prized possessions on the curb.
A professional auctioneer did certify it as trash.
All right, then set it out with the rest of the trash.
It's all trash! Honestly, thank you so much.
That is such a relief.
[CHUCKLES] No, don't be relieved! That was supposed to be guilt.
What is wrong with you two? What's wrong with you for thinking we wanna stock our homes with golden velvet couches and creepy owls? 'Cause it's all for you! One of you is gonna take the owls.
I don't want an owl! If I say take the owls, missy, you're taking an owl! [SCREAMS] My God! Did you just throw a dead owl at me? Ha! Oh, you think that's funny? What are you How dare you? How dare you? - Ew! - Forget the owls and everything else! You were right.
All my stuff is priceless to me and nobody else.
No, don't you cry over your crap we don't want.
- That's not fair.
- You know what's not fair? I've been collecting this stuff my whole life.
For you.
Mom, we didn't ask you to.
I know you didn't.
But I need to know that at some point, [VOICE BREAKING] you're gonna have a piece of this family in your house.
A piece of me.
But you don't want any of it.
Clean up the owls.
[MUSIC PLAYS] Hey.
What's all this? I'm just fixing up your body-flex gizmo.
Do me a favor.
Don't have any more of your dumbass friends build anything for you.
Okay.
You know, I could always use a workout buddy.
No.
Worth a try.
Hey, I'm not the kind of guy who's ever gonna exercise.
But I do want to be there for you.
I want to see you get married.
I want to hold your baby.
I want to see you become a doctor.
I really hope so.
Don't hope.
I'll be there.
And if you're really worried, we can go for a walk - every once in a while.
- Really? Just let's make sure we talk about MacGyver and the Eagles.
No more of this, uh, opening-up-your-heart stuff.
Heart's closed.
It better be.
Yeah, sometimes it can be hard to be honest with each other.
But when you do find the courage to open up, you realize that telling the truth is the healthiest way to communicate.
Cute photo.
Is that you? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES] I thought that couch was the most beautiful thing in the world.
I used to fall asleep with my head in my mom's lap, dreaming we were European royalty.
That is a really nice story.
Well, it doesn't matter now.
Some stranger bought it and is doing God knows what with it.
From what I heard, it's actually being used as the showpiece of a living room.
I do believe that I've had enough [LAUGHS] My beautiful red couch! It's back! The auction house gave us the name of the guy who bought it.
You spent thousands of dollars to get this back? For me? Thousands, for sure.
Then let's celebrate.
Make yourselves comfortable, and I'll go get us some Orange Shasta and pound cake! To eat in here? But what about all the crumbs? I think it's time we use our living room for actual living.
I believe it's time for me to fly-y-y Time for me to fly ADULT ADAM: In the end, there's only one thing worth passing down to the people you love, and that's the memories you create together.
When you carry them in your heart, that's when you can truly fly.
[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES] Hi, folks.
It's me, Adam.
I'm back.
What we just witnessed was how [BELL DINGS] [BELL DINGS] Here we are on the red couch made famous by tonight's episode, and I am with the awesome real Beverly Goldberg.
My kids used to make fun that my living room should've been roped off because it was, like, fancy, and they weren't allowed to sit on them 'cause I'd say, "Oh, you're gonna make tushy prints on the velvet.
" [LAUGHS] "And you can't sit on the sofa.
It's just to look at.
" It's in mint condition, if anybody wants it.
I say you just leave it with Adam.
He's probably freaking right now.