The Goldbergs s06e09 Episode Script

Bachelor Party

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party.
Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed all to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us.
" And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say.
" Still, so sweet.
We totally went all-out.
I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness.
Check it out, girlfriend.
Oh, n-n-n-never! Bar, you need to chill.
All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing.
Will there be dancing in a group setting? - Someone tell me.
- What's happening? As bridesmaids, you are legally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation.
Let's practice.
Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind.
They're playing "Safety Dance.
" But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice.
Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
- Cool.
- Really? - I trust you.
- Well, you shouldn't.
You should.
You're never gonna do better anyway.
Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man.
Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy.
It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean the stupid world to me.
What? Stop.
Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it.
It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too! [VOICE BREAKING] I just I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true.
We got to do man stuff fast.
We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table.
[VOICE BREAKING] I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it right now.
Be Stallone.
Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece! I don't know where I stop and where you begin! No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying.
I've got my first-aid kit.
What's wrong? Barry asked me to be his best man! - Oh, sweet God, no.
- I love this boy.
[VOICE BREAKING] I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
- Hold me in your arms.
- Ohhhh.
[ALL SOBBING] I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was December 5th, 1980-something, and my mom was dropping us off at school in my dad's crappy old car.
At least, she was trying to.
Goldbergs, you're up.
Unlock and unload.
Mwah, mwah.
Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside.
You got to get out and open it.
Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
Daah! The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
- Oh, poop! - [HORN HONKS] No, you don't get out.
They get out.
If I don't get out, they can't get out.
I'm sorry.
I had to take Murray's car today.
I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer.
- Just get 'em out.
- Damn it, Murray! All right, we got a two-minute limit.
You're gonna have to circle back around.
Next! I am not getting back in that line.
Look at how long it is.
It's that long because of you! Mom, let us out! Boys, just climb out the window.
Go, go, go! [HORN HONKING] Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst! I got to see what I'm landing on.
I don't want to get a gravel rash.
All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
Oh, no! My glasses! Forget 'em.
You got four other senses.
My Toaster Strudel.
I'll drop it off later.
It's fine.
I'll just "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
Oh, Barry, no.
Do not "Dukes of Hazzard" the window.
Too late! [GROANS] You need a new car.
Ah, again with this? My car works just fine.
Tell her, Bill.
This kind of feels like one of those lose-lose situations I'd rather not be involved in.
Too late.
You're going with us.
You're gonna be a bad influence and goad him into spending some money.
How about this? We compromise.
I replace the door handle, and boom! Everybody wins! Forget the door handle.
You've been driving the same car since our first date.
So it's got sentimental value.
You get it.
You're getting a new car.
- [THUD] - Hey! Time to talk bachelor party, best man.
Last night, I taped a movie off Cinemax starring Tom Hanks that forever changed my life "Bachelor Party.
" My dad said that movie was a raunchy shlockfest that celebrates the lowest form of comedy.
Your dad knows his stuff.
It is brilliant, and I want it to be the blueprint for my zany bachelor party.
What exactly do you mean by "zany"? I'm talking about a giant rager in a hotel suite with sketchy babes, unruly Japanese businessmen, and a beer-guzzling mule that passes out.
That sounds very adult.
Exactly! Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid who's stupidly getting married.
But this party will prove I'm a dumb adult who's stupidly getting married.
That logic kind of tracks.
Thank you, David Kimberly.
You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"? I'm certain of it.
Get to party planning, boys.
No pressure, but my whole marriage depends on it.
Don't worry.
I will not rest 'til I throw you the bachelor party in "Bachelor Party.
" [CHEERING] You can't throw him this bachelor party in this movie, man.
- You can't do it.
- I know, Dave Kim.
There's so much bad language and full-frontal shenanigans.
I know, Dave Kim! Why would boyishly lovable Tom Hanks agree to be in this? He's done.
He'll never work again.
I know, Dave Kim!! Barry said his marriage hinges on this! What are you gonna do, bro?! I don't know, Dave Kim.
I don't know.
That day, the only thing harder than throwing Barry a bachelor party was getting my dad to buy a new car.
Howdy, folks.
Welcome to Calabasas Family Auto.
Hey, I'm gonna kick things off with a friendly ice breaker.
Are any of you guys cops? - No ? - Perfect! Hey, this handsome young guy looks like he's looking for something sporty, right? - Not even a little.
- Okay.
- Please don't touch me.
- Sounds like a plan.
Actually, I dragged him here.
He needs a new car.
Well, I can tell just from the look of you that you only settle for the best.
- Am I right? - You are not.
Save your spiel for the other suckers.
I'm just here for a new handle.
Murray, look at me and hear the words of a woman who was banned from carpool you're getting a car today.
Any car.
I don't even care what it is at this point.
My God, Mur-man! You're such a cheap bastard, your wife has completely given up and letting you get whatever car you like.
No, no.
Now, let's respect your sensible pal and his sensible choices.
Allow me to show you to our finest door handles, which are just past the luxury sports cars.
Don't let them seduce you.
Ah, let me make this easy on you, okay? No, no, no never.
In that moment, my dad would ask a question that would change the course of history.
What's that? That, my friend, is the Bitter.
It's Austrian.
So very rare.
Kind of looks like a Ferrari.
- I really loved those as a kid.
- Come on, Murray.
For once in your life, just treat yourself.
And what a treat! Hey, Mur! Individual seat heaters! You know what they call that? "The marriage saver.
" Maybe if I had these bun toasters, I'd still be married.
[LAUGHS] Who am I kidding? We had separate bedrooms, only said hi in the hallway.
But come on! Ah, [BLEEP] it! Aw, don't let your sad pal sell you on this marvel of modern engineering that happens to go from zero to 60 in only 8.
1 seconds flat.
That is fast.
That's because there's a V-6 engine and 210 horses under the hood.
That's a lot of ponies running wild.
I call 'em ponies, too, and nobody ever gets that.
I'm starting to think that this thing is meant to be.
She is a beauty.
So? What do you think? Do we have ourselves a sale? Here's the thing.
I'm a simple man.
I-I don't need fancy things.
I just need, uh a new door handle.
Follow me to Parts.
So close.
Disappointed! And so, my dad's car troubles were over.
Little did he know, my mom was about to switch gears.
Morning, sunshine.
What the hell did you do? You may refuse to treat yourself, but I can still treat you.
Oh, you should see the look on your face.
[CHUCKLING] Seriousl Hey, don't shut the door on me.
It's the Ferrari of Austria, Murray! Lose yourself in luxury! Damn, Murray, take the car! Meh! BARRY: Okay, best man.
Take us through my epic adult-man bachelor party.
TOGETHER: Adult-man bachelor party! Strap yourselves in, boys.
First, we kick it off at the Willow Grove Mall with a fun night of Skee-Ball and more - at Challenges Arcade.
- Question.
Does the "more" include nudity and/or keg stands? TOGETHER: Nudity and/or keg stands! It does not.
But it does include unlimited tokens, air hockey, and a private party room featuring a Cookie Puss cake.
In this said private party room, will there also be a stolen Porsche and/or a drunk donkey? TOGETHER: And/or drunk donkey! No.
But fear not, 'cause I did book us a mini-horse that we can pet and be like, "Look! A mini-horse.
" Dude! I asked for a crazy rager fit for men.
You're just throwing me a lame kid's birthday party.
Maybe that's 'cause I am a kid.
Then I hereby fire you as best man and demote you to regular man.
Please don't make me just regular.
JTP, you're my new best man.
- TOGETHER: New best man! - Adam, vacate the presenting area.
Let's hear it, boys.
What do you got? Bro, if you want an adult-man bachelor party, then we are gonna go extreme! I say we kick off the night in a badass arcade with some high-octane Skee-Ball! High-octane.
Now we're talking.
Followed by some extreme arcade gameplay, totally balls out and wild! That is balls out.
You guys just get it.
Then we kick it up to the max with a monster mini-horse and a no-holds-barred cake made of insanely cold ice cream! - This is insane.
All of it.
- Dude! They just said the exact same stuff as me, only they're shouting and using fancier adjectives.
- Sorry.
- Nailed.
- Yeah.
We're kids, too.
- Fine! Adam's best man again.
- No! - Damn it! Dude, this is an emotional roller coaster.
How hard is it to throw me a gnarly bachelor party that proves I'm a gnarly adult ready for marriage? Honestly, none of us can throw you that kind of party.
But lucky for you, I know a guy who specializes in gnarly.
And that guy was none other - than our party animal uncle, Marvin Goldberg.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] I heard somebody's in the market for a gnarly bachelor party.
Now, tell me, on a scale from 1 to 10, how gnarly? - 6? - 8.
I heard 6 and 8.
That's 14.
Out of my way, boys! Turns out, it was gonna be - a big, gnarly mistake.
- Yeah.
Even though my mom treated my dad to a new Bitter, it just made him more bitter than ever.
I mean it, Bevy.
I'm returning that damn car.
The last thing I need is the Ferrari of Austria.
Sure you do.
Those people make a quality product.
They gave us the boomerang and Crocodile Dundee.
It's Austria, not Australia.
My God.
Just let me handle this, okay? Murray, please.
Just take the Bitter for a spin.
Look! I got you driving gloves.
I don't want to wear gloves while I drive.
What am I? The Equalizer? Come on, Murray.
Sporty new gloves for your sporty new car.
Just drive the thing.
Oh, I'll drive the thing right back to that shyster's car lot.
At least, that was my dad's plan - [HORN BEEPS] - until this happened.
- What? - Like the car.
What is it? - It's a Bitter.
- Never seen one.
Where's it from? Austria.
Very rare.
Kind of looks like a Ferrari.
Love those cars.
Yeah, Ferraris are okay.
Well, thanks for letting me look at it.
That first car compliment made my dad feel pretty good.
And by the tenth, he was riding high.
What kind of car? Uh, it's a Bitter.
Very rare.
At first, I thought it was a Oh, Ferrari.
It gets that a lot.
Also, Austria isn't the place with the boxing kangaroos.
That's Australia.
See? I'm growing, too.
You know, it's funny.
When I drive it, I feel like I'm standing out, but not in a bad way.
Murray, do you feel special? Yeah.
I-I guess.
I-I do feel special.
You are special, and for once in your life, you deserve special things.
Ah, screw it! I'm a Bitter man now.
Yep, that crazy foreign car made something even crazier happen it made my dad start to embrace feeling special - [ENGINE REVS] - for about 10 seconds.
[ENGINE SPUTTERS] [ENGINE SPUTTERS, STOPS] [HORN BLARING] Gentlemen, thanks for coming to Barry's bachelor party.
[LAUGHTER] Adam, cue the mind-blowing visuals! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Philadelphia, known for the Liberty Bell, South Street, and the world's greatest cheesesteaks.
But tonight, none of that matters not one damn bit.
- [MUSIC STOPS] - What? But you made me go around the city taking photos of that stuff.
It's for dramatic effect, man which I achieved.
Because tonight, there's only one landmark that matters Delaware County's wildest dance club, - Pulsations! - [MUSIC RESUMES] ALL: Whoa! We're talking 6,000-square-foot dance floor, wall-to-wall babes, lasers, smoke machines, giant speakers that guarantee permanent hearing loss, and a sentient party robot that came to get down.
Seriously? They have a party robot? - [PROJECTOR CLICKS] - Little fun fact it's the same robot they cast in "Rocky IV" as Paulie's robo-butler.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! And now, in your envelopes, you will find Binaca spray, Mexican pesos, anti-venom, and fake IDs.
Sweet! I'm a 65-year-old organ donor named Enzo Pinetti.
George P.
Shultz? Isn't he, like, Secretary of State? Yeah maybe you want to tuck your shirt in.
Philippe Tallahassee? Sounds totally made up, bro.
Not as made up as Abner Q.
Of German descent.
It's perfectly plausible.
Yeah, okay.
This whole night sounds a little intense.
Trust me, Cheeseburger.
You'll be fine.
If not, the safeword is "apricot.
" - Thanks, but no, thanks.
- I'm going home.
Guys, this terrifying journey to adulthood is exactly what I need.
Just like Tom Hanks in "Bachelor Party," this will finally get me ready for marriage.
Now we're starting to make some good decisions.
Okay, now let's go over what to expect in the VIP room at Pulsations! BARRY: Yes! - [GROANING] - Apricot! Apricot! Help! What? N-No! Yeah, this thing's never driving again.
Never? Like never ever? Yeah.
Not sure if you know this.
This is a Bitter Austrian, very rare.
We're aware.
- Can't you just fix it? - Well, I mean, here's the thing.
If you have a car there's only one of, I mean, it ain't easy to get parts.
There's legitimately none in this country.
So, what you're saying is, I splurged on something nice for myself, and the very next day, it's broken forever.
Yeah, that's exactly the case.
Your fault! No! I saw the way you were looking at the Bitter.
You wanted the Bitter.
You're a Bitter man, remember? I am a bitter man.
I'm bitter to have a broken car in my driveway mocking me for the rest of my life.
Angry! While my dad was accepting his fate, - Barry was ready for his destiny.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] Dude! Where are you going? Anywhere but here.
But I gave you exactly what you wanted.
I I thought I wanted it, but all it made me realize is I'm not ready for any of it.
After the Bitter had broken, it left my dad bitter and broken.
Can you believe that woman? "Treat yourself, Mur.
" Who says that to a husband? Who? Dear Lord! This is so infuriating, it makes me wanna punch a wall.
Aw, pal, I really appreciate the support.
Wait, you think I'm on your side? Aren't you? No! You make me want to punch a wall, not her! You're my best friend.
You're supposed to blindly agree with anything I say.
Beverly is a saint.
Last I heard, my wife is somewhere in the Southwest.
That's not even a state.
That's just a region of the country.
I can't get her on the phone.
There's not even an area code.
I ate a banana for dinner three times last week.
When I don't brush my teeth, nobody cares.
We all got stuff.
Not you.
Your wife cooks for you, she appreciates you.
She wants you to be happy.
My wife is a ghost in the wind.
Sometimes I talk to an old sock of hers when I feel lonely.
So, you're not gonna side with me on this, are you? Hell no! And you're gonna make this right for us.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and peel my dinner.
- [THE CARS' "JUST WHAT I NEEDED" PLAYS] - It finally dawned on my dad.
He had a wife who would do anything to make him happy.
As for my brother, when it came to marriage, he didn't know what to feel.
Got you some Cookie Puss, buddy.
Forget it.
Party's over, dude.
'Cause when you're standing oh so near You may have hated your adult party, but that doesn't mean you're not ready to be an adult.
Of course it does.
I mean, look at me.
I haven't grown up at all.
Well, I may be the least mature human on the planet, but the one thing I know is that the way you love and treat Lainey, that's as grown-up as it gets.
Thanks, Ad Rock.
Means a lot.
Just doing my job as best man.
You're more than my best man.
You're the best brother a guy could ask for.
Come on! We agreed no feelings or crying or hugging.
No, seriously.
You really did throw me the bachelor party of my dreams even if it was a total nightmare.
Well, it doesn't have to be.
Come on.
The bachelor party's over.
Didn't you learn anything from Tom Hanks? The party's over when we say it is.
I guess you're just what I needed So, at the end of the day, Barry never got the wild bachelor party he thought he wanted.
Instead, he got a night he'd never forget.
'Cause the truth is, just when you think you're ready for the next level, it's okay to just be in the moment and have a little fun.
Sure, that might not be right for everyone, but for my brother, it was just what he needed.
I guess you're just what I needed Just what I needed Uh, I-I hope you don't mind.
I need to use the car.
I got to make the returns.
You also Just what I needed didn't get to go on a picnic.
Murray, what are you doing? I'm just trying to make things right with us.
And Bill.
Uh, don't ask.
But why? You were right.
It was my fault.
I'm the one who forced you into the car, thinking it would make you happy.
I don't need nice things to be happy.
I've already got the nicest thing in the world you.
Aww, Mur.
Yeah, my mom and dad may not have always seen eye-to-eye, but what really mattered was that they had each other's backs.
That's the thing about the people we choose to spend our life with.
In the end, they're all we need to get by.
And, when it came to that busted-down Bitter, it really did sit in our driveway forever.
But it didn't matter, because every time my dad saw it, he was reminded that he already had the greatest gift of all a person to spend his life with.
["JUST WHAT I NEEDED" CONTINUES] - [DING!] - - [DING!] - Off-campus lunch is a go, boys.
We've got 36 minutes to make it to Jim's Steaks and back.
Let's ride.
I thought your dad sold his crappy old Tercel.
He bought it back 'cause his new sports car was even crappier than this crap box.
Uh, bro, the door won't open.
That's 'cause it's been permanently busted.
You just got to "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
- [GRUNTS] - ALL: Ooh! Need more of a head start.
- [ALL GASP] - Took my eye off it.
- [ALL GROAN] - Who moved the car? J T - P! - TOGETHER: JTP? - General Lee! - Okay.