The Goldbergs s06e10 Episode Script

Yippee Ki Yay Melon Farmer

1 Ah, the holidays.
A time for families to come together and celebrate the season.
For some, it was about finding the perfect tree.
For others, it was about the presents you'd unwrap on Christmas morning.
But for me, it was about the movies.
One for "A Christmas Story", please.
One for "Scrooged", please.
One for "Christmas Vacation", please.
One for "Ernest Saves Christmas", please.
Sorry, it's sold out.
Damn it, no! I know Ernest saves Christmas, but how? It's one of life's big questions.
Next! Bro, help me out here.
I'm jonesing for a warm, fuzzy holiday flick.
Anything else fit the bill? I don't know, man.
That one? That day, I discovered the holiday's greatest hero John McClane.
"Die Hard"? How is that a holiday movie? It takes place at Christmas? Eh, I'll give it a shot.
Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr.
Cowboy? Yippee ki yay [bleep] [Laughing] Best Christmas movie ever! I ended up seeing "Die Hard" six times in the theater.
And then, like any movie-obsessed geek in the '80s, I patiently waited for it to premiere on network TV.
Guys, here it comes, the greatest line in anything ever.
Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr.
Cowboy? Yippee ki yay, [dubbed] melon farmer.
Sadly, network TV meant dubbing over all the swear words.
"Melon farmer"? What the hell's a melon farmer? Someone who farms melons.
You think someone's sole profession is farming melons? Only melons? Forget the melon farming! They changed it for TV.
Al, listen to me.
Nobody farms just melons.
Melons and grapes, maybe.
But not just melons.
That's ridiculous.
Well, what do you know from melons? Oh, I know melons.
I got a beautiful cantaloupe cut up in the fridge.
Cantaloupe? Of all the melons, that's the one you go with? You got a better melon? - Honeydew.
- Honeydew?! [Chuckles] That's madness.
Hey, Bevy, bring your father a forkful of that cantaloupe.
Somebody call for a forkful of cantaloupe? I'm getting sick and tired of the melon talk.
Eat the forkful, Al.
You'll see what I mean.
Oh, that is good.
Enough with the melons.
Just watch the movie.
Admit it.
Admit I was right about the cantaloupe.
Well, I came to the dance with Honeydew, but it looks like I'm going home with Cantaloupe.
Forget the melon! Nothing like a nice cantaloupe, am I right? That's a nice melon.
I am so proud of that melon.
It's a nice melon.
Gah!! You stupid melon farmers are ruining this movie! Mmm, that is so yummy.
Hey, pass me some of that cantaloupe.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was December 1980-something, and like always, my mom was prepping for the holidays.
Feliz Navidad, suckers! What the heck is on your delicious little body? What does it look like? Now that I'm engaged to Lainey, I get to be a Christmas fella.
- Oh, lucky! - Such a magical season.
Well, you know what's really magical? Hanukkah candles and spinning tops and endless bowls of sour cream.
Sour cream sucks.
-That made me sadder.
Well, as long as you live under my Santa-less roof, you are a Hanukkah boy and always will be.
No! My whole life, I've lived in the only dark, undecorated house on the block.
Now, thanks to Lainey, I get to soak in how the Christmas half lives.
I don't care if you marry the Pope's sister.
The only thing you're gonna be soaking in is this.
[Sweater clicks] ["I Have A Little Dreidel" plays] [Sweater clicks] ["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays] [Both songs play simultaneously] Oh, man! They're having a holiday sweater-off.
Calm down, Geoff.
This may be the least important thing that's ever happened.
[Zapping] Hey! Ow! Ow! [Music stops] No! Yep, it looked like my brother's Christmas wishes would be granted or so he thought.
Holy crap.
This place looks so sad.
What am I looking at right now? - Just Boggle night.
- C-A-T, cat.
- Way to go, Billy boy! - Damn it.
I'm confused.
Where's the tree and lights and presents and three ZZ Top-looking dudes handing out Frankenstein and Myrth? Yeah, in our family, we don't really do any of the yuletide festivities.
- Or mention the word.
- You mean "Christmas"? Shhh! Don't say the "C" word.
Why can't I say "Christmas"? Oh, God.
You broke my heart.
Hello, remember?! Christmas Eve is the night my mom skipped out on us.
Ever since that night, we don't do anything for the holiday.
Not even putting presents in the chimney or leaving cookies in your bed for Santa and his wife, Christmas Carol? Wow, you really know nothing about Christmas.
Obviously! This was finally my chance to eat gingerbread people and make out under the kissy leaf.
We may not have gingerbread, but we got beanies and weenies on the stove.
Sit tight.
You're eating beans for Christmas? And weenies? This sucks! Why do I have to marry into the one family that refuses to do Christmas? Yeah, I'm sorry my mom abandoned me, causing a lifetime of turmoil for my dad and I and slightly inconveniencing your holiday plans.
In time, I feel like it'll get easier for me.
Ugh, bad news.
Had a case of the sads last night and ate all the weenies.
But we got beans galore! Merry Boggle Night, Bar.
Merry Boggle Night.
All the spoons are dirty.
While Barry was "boggled" by Lainey's Christmas, at our house, the holidays always brought a special visitor.
Uncle Marvin! Sweet ride.
It's called a Mi-ya-ta! It's what the Hollywood Reporter calls "safe for its size".
Since when do you read the Hollywood Reporter? Ever since your uncle became a big TV star.
- What? - Let's just say that recently I looked directly down the barrel of a camera, and now the world wants more of Mordechai Fishman.
- Who? - That's my stage name.
- Why? - Most actors, they want to change their name to something less ethnic.
But when they zig, I zag! That's genius, Morty! So, what's the show? Oh, it's only the biggest hit on TV.
Belvedere"? Bigger and better.
Better than "Belvedere"? That's not possible.
It's a gritty new police show.
And when it airs, oh-ho-ho, I am going to be a major player in the industry.
Dude, my dream is to be a major player in the industry! Then why don't we two major players in the industry cook up a project together? Yeah.
Now that you're a real working actor, let's join forces and pitch our own "Die Hard"! You mean the action movie? Wait a minute.
That's already been done.
It's a huge hit, which means Hollywood's gonna buy a ton of shoddy, poorly-written carbon copies.
I can write poorly.
This is perfect for us! Hey, Dad, Uncle Marvin's gonna parlay his new TV connections into a huge sale for us.
Hey, that's fantastic! Okay, if that's sarcasm, then I got something for you to look at right here, mister.
Good for you! Look at it! It's a Hollywood contract, and it's from the Fox Broadcasting Company, which proves that it's real.
That's fantastic! What is happening? Why are you believing in me? 'Cause that's what I do.
No, you don't.
Every holiday, you accuse me of being a liar and a con-man, and then you literally say, "I don't believe in you".
This year, I've decided to just kick back and enjoy the holidays, so have at it! - Mur-man's on board.
- Whoo-hoo! As we ran off to take Hollywood by storm, my mom was brewing up a plan to keep her Hanukkah boy at home.
Seasons greetings, handsome.
What is all this? Oh, just a typical Hanukkah.
Maybe you call Bill and Lainey, and invite them over for a casual Ha-nook.
Okay, what's going on? Mom's doing that thing where she turns the holidays into a terrible competition where no one wins.
If that was true, then why is my nickname Easy Breezy Holiday Bevy? It's not.
You got in a battle over Christmas with the Kremps, Thanksgiving with Bill Lewis Hanukkah with my parent Fourth of July with the Karps, Presidents' Day with that car dealership.
For your information, stealing a celebration out of another family's arms is just the way I show my holiday spirit.
[Scoffs] Well, there's no need to compete with Bill.
Why? 'Cause nothing can compete with Christmas? No, no, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand but good.
I don't care how many presents were under that tree or how many hams were glazed, I will do whatever I have to do to keep my babies home with me for the holidays.
In that moment, Barry realized that he could use our mom's holiday desperation to his advantage.
I don't know if you can compete, Mom.
I mean, their Christmas was big.
Oh, Mama can go big.
But they had a 20-foot tree, tons of tinsel, vats of bread pudding, life-sized Nutcracker men, candy cane swords, an eggnog ice luge, gum drop pillows, a working toy shop with elves, and an appearance by the man himself.
- Santa?! - Not now, Geoffrey! Yes, Santa.
With all his 47 reindeer.
It was legendary.
Oh, you want legendary? Erica, Geoff, get your butts to the Baderwood market.
I'm gonna need 12 pounds of potatoes and all the sour cream you can fit in the car.
- Nah.
- Yes, ma'am! I don't know, Mom.
Hanukkah lasts eight nights.
There's no way you can sustain that kind of awesomeness for that long.
Well, buckle up, Schmoo.
The festival of lights is about to get nasty.
Dude, what was all that about? Lainey and Bill don't even do Christmas.
I know! They eat beans from a can like drifters.
Then why'd you get Mom all riled up? Think about it.
Hanukkah is one lame holiday that drags on for a whole week.
But imagine if each night was better than the last.
Oh, my God.
Did you trick Mom into making every night of Hanukkah Christmas morning? If you put it that way, it sounds really messed up.
To be clear, I think it's awesome.
I just wanted to make sure I knew the plan.
Later, turd.
All right, I am freshly showered, and I am ready to brainstorm.
Go! Okay, everyone knows the best part of "Die Hard" is that the whole movie is set in a building, right? So, I've been thinking of a ton of locations to die hard in.
Mm, I love how you're thinking inside of the box here, kid.
What do you got? "Die Hard" in a mall.
- It's too easy.
- Next.
"Die Hard" in a water park! It's too wet.
"Die Hard" on a moon base.
"Die Hard" in an airport.
"Die Hard" on a bus! That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
All I got left is "Die Hard" in a tree house.
"Die Hard" in a tree house? - I don't like it.
- You love it? Oh, man, you ruined the moment by saying what I was gonna say.
It just seemed kinda obvious.
[Scoffs] Hey, Mur, if you need us, we're gonna be in the basement working on our movie pitch.
That sounds fun.
We're gonna shoot a sizzle reel.
It's a sales tool to help sell our movie to Hollywood.
Great idea! Marvin gave me his word our movie will be seen up on the big screen.
There ya go.
I have my hopes up so much! Absolutely! [Chuckling] Murray! Did you hear that cockamamie scheme? You gotta shut it down.
Not anymore.
I'm done shutting it down.
But what about Adam? When Marvin doesn't come through, the boy will be crushed.
- Yeah.
- You got to stop 'em.
Look, it's the holidays.
There's so much feel-good TV on.
I'll find something fun and enjoy it.
Bad boys, bad boys Yep, to my dad, the bad boys of "COPS" brought pure holiday joy.
Dispatch: 83-62.
Got a 10-45, white male wearing a striped robe in the ally.
[Dumpster clanging] Bring me up to speed, Andrew.
I'll handle this, Andy.
My crooked landlord locked me out, and if he doesn't give me my keys back, I am going to take his Miata! Murray, that's your brother! - He's on "COPS".
- I can see he's on "COPS".
- Also, there's a - Hey! You'll never catch me, bacon! I do not consent to search! I do not consent to search! [Grunts] [Garbage cans clanging] [Grunts] [Siren chirps] [Grunts] Get behind! Aah! Wait a minute.
I want your badge numbers! Hey, what's with the camera crew? I'm on TV? Marvin's on "COPS", Murray.
You gotta shut it down! I gotta shut it down! He's on "COPS".
And with that, my dad knew his vacation was over.
Marvin's on "COPS".
Me and my uncle were ready to hit it big with "Die Hard" in a tree house which meant ripping off actual "Die Hard".
- We could totally do that.
- For sure.
Aah! But jumping off a tree house was harder than it looked.
Sorry about your tree house, man.
Dude, don't be sorry.
I got it all on camera.
Really? Even the part when I was dangling from the hose, and then I split my pants, and then the tree house buckled under my weight, - and I fell and I hit my head? - All of it! Hey, your mom's only got the Hanukkah train for another hour.
So, go get a ride while you can.
I want to talk to your uncle.
All right! The Mur-Man wants a piece of the action.
Clear the set, kid.
Let the money guys talk.
So, you wanna invest? - You were on "COPS".
- It aired? They said they were gonna tell me! How did I look? Like a criminal because, you know, "COPS"! Well, an opportunity is what you make of it.
You really think "COPS" is your big opportunity? The producers said that I should call them any time that I have an argument with the police.
That is a Hollywood connection, Mur.
No! You're an adult, Marvin.
Why is it always the same with you? 'Cause I am always the same! Every holiday, I say next year I'm gonna be better, but it never changes.
Then it's time to start.
You shut it down.
Do the right thing and tell Adam the truth.
You're right.
It's time that I stop depending on you and take some real responsibility in my life.
[Tires screeching] Whatcha gonna do [Sighs] Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Probably should have shut it down.
While Marvin ditched our partnership, my mom was luring in the Lewises with an epic Night One of Hanukkah, which included a Hanukkah tiki hut, Hanukkah chocolate fountain, and Hanukkah champagne tower.
Hot damn.
My accountant friend said this is a minor holiday.
Guess he was just yankin' my chain.
Oh, it's nothing.
Honestly, I forgot it was Hanukkah till about an hour ago.
Life-changing gift, anyone? A '65 Fender twin reverb amp? A pitching wedge with my name on it? And I got a sensible leather attaché case! Thanks, Mrs.
What can I say? It's just an average night of Hanukkah here at the Goldbergs'.
And it only gets better from here, Bill! It gets better? Infinitely.
It's God's number-one rule.
Every night must be more awesome than the last.
Uh, right.
If you'll excuse me, I just need to get to the mall, supermarket, bakery, butcher, and bank before they close.
Hoo-wee! I cannot wait for Night Two.
Happy Night Two.
Which added Hanukkah popcorn, a full Hanukkah dessert bar, and Hanukkah cotton candy? Hot Hebrew ham, nothing can beat this.
Nothing except Night Three.
Happy Night Three.
Which now had Hanukkah snow cones, Hanukkah pizza buffet, and I guess a Hanukkah casino? Sweet chocolate money, now this is the night of all nights.
Sounds like a man who hasn't seen Night Four.
Bill: [Chuckling] Happy Night Four.
Look, I'm the rich kid from "Silver Spoons"! I don't care what happens tomorrow night, there's no way to top this.
You might think that, but we're only halfway through.
I'm just gonna close my eyes for a minute, but don't worry.
I can still serve.
My family's Hanukkah sucks.
That night, my mom burned out on Hanukkah, and the next day, I was about to be burned by my uncle.
Hey, Dad, have you seen Uncle Marv? The trailer for "Die Hard 2" comes out today.
We were gonna pay to see "Ishtar" and then bail.
Yeah, thing is, he's not gonna call you back.
Uncle Marvin knows how important this is to me.
He promised to get our movie idea onto the big screen.
You'll see.
But say it doesn't happen.
You'll still be fine, right? In that purely hypothetical situation, no, I'll be utterly destroyed.
How about I'll take you.
Perfect! Uncle Marvin can meet us there.
You can munch on popcorn and your words.
Popcorn? That's how they get you.
We'll make our own.
There's no time to make popcorn.
Well, fine.
I got a refrigerator full of cantaloupe.
We'll bring that.
You can't bring cantaloupe into a movie theater! Of course you can.
Cantaloupe's the popcorn of fruit.
You can't sit in a theater and eat a plate of cantaloupe! Who said anything about plates? We're gonna bring a knife and cut it up nicely in our laps.
So, now we're cutting a giant, juicy melon in the dark? It's a two-minute trailer! Fine, princess! We'll take the melon baller.
Gives you two different size balls.
Don't bring the melon.
Uncle Marvin'll buy me the popcorn.
I'm gonna bring the melon.
You've made it through the festive gauntlet of the first seven nights.
Your reward? Night Eight.
I can't wait for it to begin, but I don't want it to end.
I haven't felt this alive in years! Hey, look, it's Chinese food and hard candies? Where's the seven-course, potato-based feast and some kind of motorized dune buggy? Oh, so tired.
I'm sorry, Squishy.
Hanukkah broke Mama.
What's going on here? Nothing.
Let's just go back to your house for beans and sad Boggle.
Bill, I give up.
Take my boy and do Christmas.
I don't wanna do Christmas.
Oh, you have to do Christmas.
You can't force Christmas on me, you monster! Wait, did you not tell your mom - we don't celebrate Christmas? - What? Funny story that I'll relay to you all privately and separately.
So this whole thing is not normal Hanukkah? No! [Scoffs] By the eighth night, I'm giving away socks and dental floss and whatever loose mints I can pick out of my purse.
So, this was just a lie from Beverly spurred on by a lie from Barry? - Kinda.
- It's not great.
The only thing I wanted for the holidays was to be part of a family again.
I didn't need gifts or some big party.
I thought you guys felt the same way.
After ruining the holidays for the Lewises, my mom and Barry had to come together to pull off a Christmas miracle.
Children, I've gathered you here tonight because of a true holiday disaster.
We need to throw a last-minute Christmas for people who hate Christmas 'cause we ruined Hanukkah for them after a series of lies and deceit.
Okay, he's exaggerating, but yeah, 100% yes.
Wait, are you saying we get to save Christmas? - I've always wanted to save Christmas.
- Calm down, Geoff.
We haven't heard how dumb this is.
Okay, I've been listening to the Christmas radio station nonstop for five minutes, and I know exactly what we need to give Bill and Lainey.
- Really? - It's all right there in the "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song.
Erica, Geoffrey, write this down.
- On it! - No.
- First up, we need a Partridge Family CD.
- I think you mean - partridge in a pear.
- Buh-bup! We also need 12 Willis Drummonds, 11 Roddy Pipers, 10 Laineys dancing.
It's "ladies dancing.
" Why would Lainey's name be in a song from 200 years ago? That's where this breaks down for you, Mom? We also need nine Cloris Leachmans, eight maids a sweeping, seven Sprites for swigging, six 6-piece nuggets, five onion rings, four Larry Birds, three french fries, two leather gloves, and, of course, a Partridge Family CD.
I'll get the fries, nuggets, Sprite, and Larry Bird.
I guess! You focus on the rest.
Move! Okay, it's up to you and me.
Oh, you'll actually help me? Normally, never, but you royally screwed this up for Bill and Lainey, so what do you need? Trees, lights, stockings, nutcrackers, everything.
Let's move! You do know it's Christmas Eve and everything's closed.
[Sighs] But the Kremps went skiing, and I'm supposed to be taking care of their dog, Daisy.
So, we're gonna break into the Kremps', steal their Christmas, and then break into the Lewises' and give them the Christmas we just stole? It's not great.
This whole thing.
It's just, it's not great.
To be clear, I think it's awesome.
I just wanted to make sure I knew the plan.
With that, they were off to make the holidays right.
And when my uncle didn't show up to that theater, I realized I was wrong to have trusted him.
Look, your uncle likes to make a lot of crazy plans, and usually I shut him down, but Shh! It's starting.
[Dramatic music plays] In this tree house, high above the backyard, the last thing cop Don McShane wants to be is a hero.
We got hostages in the tree house.
But not everybody gets what they want for Christmas.
Yippee ki yay, melon farmer.
Oh, my God.
It's my movie.
This channel is reserved for emergency calls only.
Does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza? That day, I didn't see the trailer for "Die Hard 2".
For the first time ever, I saw something I wrote on the big screen, and my life changed forever.
And I had one man to thank for it.
Uncle Marv totally came through.
He really did.
Turns out, my dad saw a side of Uncle Marvin he'd never seen before, a side he could trust.
Marvin, wait up.
It's fine.
Don't make a big thing out of it.
How did you do that? I realized you were right, so I came back, and I bribed the guy in the projection booth.
Well, you did a nice thing.
I felt like I owed it to Adam.
Man, that kid means the world to me.
Looks like this whole me not shutting you down thing worked out okay this year.
You know what? Maybe it's time for me to start cleaning up my own messes.
I think next year, things are gonna be different with you.
That's usually my line.
After you tell me that you don't believe in me.
Yeah, but after the way you came through this time? I do believe in you.
Looking back, that year was filled with holiday miracles, and not just for my family.
What's all this? Little Goldbergs Christmas for our favorite family.
How did you even get in here? Santa has his ways.
Guys, this is beautiful, but we don't do this kind of thing.
Well, you do now.
'Cause even though you lost some family on Christmas, now you've gained a whole new one.
[Music played] That sounds nice.
'Cause now we can make some new traditions, together.
Truth is, every family celebrates the holidays in their own way.
And while some of those traditions go back generations, the most exciting traditions are the new ones you form with the people you love at your side.
Yippee ki yay, melon farmer.
And for me and my family, our favorite tradition was sitting together and watching the greatest Christmas movie ever.
["Die Hard" plays on TV] [Bell dings] Quick, change the channel.
I'm on TV again.
- No way! What show? - It's a hit legal drama.
Law"? Would you just change the channel already, man? What you are witnessing is real.
The participants are not actors.
Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here, "The People's Court".
Fun fact, Wapner does not like it when you bang his gavel.
- Huh.
- He hates that.