The Goldbergs s06e19 Episode Script

8-bit Goldbergs

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, the computers of the '80s.
Cutting-edge machines with badass games like Oregon Trail and Castle Wolfenstein.
The graphics were state-of-the-art and mind-blowing.
I got so obsessed with computer games, I even turned to the black market.
Psst, Atkins.
Word in the halls is you got the hookup.
Damn straight.
I got bootleg copies of Congo Bongo, Zork, and the holy grail of video games.
And there it was, the one computer game that every teenage dude in the '80s dreamed of playing.
Leisure Suit Larry.
The most coveted floppy known to boykind.
This game's got booze, babes, and bawdy bedroom situations.
- I'm tantalized but terrified.
- You should be.
We could go to jail in all 54 states just for playing it.
And it's yours for 500 bucks.
I've got five bucks and a gently used Ring Pop.
Deal.
And so I spent the next 28 hours guiding Leisure Suit Larry to the promised land.
This is it! Larry's finally gonna get lucky.
When we started this game, we were mere boys.
- But we're about to become men! - (MOUSE CLICKS) - ("THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER PLAYS") - Fireworks? Where's the naughty stuff? I traded a used Ring Pop for this.
I'm back to being a boy again! Which, honestly, is fine.
- I wasn't ready.
- Anyone here wondering where in the world Carmen Sandiego is? Lucky for me, I'd still get my computer fix in our school's new programming class.
(FLATLY) Now we hit the "enter" key and enjoy what the last hour of programming has brought us.
- Annnd - (KEY CLICKS) - (PINGING) - wow.
I know, it's truly exciting.
Now it's your turn.
Your final project will be designing your own computer game.
Did he just say something interesting? I can't tell 'cause his voice sounds like a robot designed to put other robots to sleep.
Okay, break into groups and get programming.
I hope you all find this project as exhilarating as I do.
Within that boring delivery was the greatest news of my life.
I get to program my own game! All I needed was the perfect idea.
Let's break it down.
What do all the best video games have? This is so hard.
Creativity isn't valued in my household.
Well, there's always a main hero, like Mario here.
And see those hammers? Those are like power-ups.
Schmoo, take your Flintstones vitamin so you can grow big and strong like Bamm-Bamm.
Eating my own power-up made me realize I didn't have to look very far for inspiration.
I'm home! Wait, that's it! We'll make the game about my insane family.
And that's entertaining how? I had a good day! Don't anybody spoil it by talking to me! See? Every good game has a big snorting boss who stomps around making everyone miserable! And we need stuff for our hero to dodge, like barrels and fire and dopey wandering henchmen.
Owww-why? 'Cause maybe I want to sit in that chair at some point today! - My game was writing itself.
- (NOTES PLAYING) I even got an annoying video game theme song, thanks to my aimless sister.
Wait.
That's it! I got my hit song! Banana, banana Banana, banana Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na That sucks.
Yep, the Goldbergs would become an actual computer game.
But was the world ready? Bevy! I forgot to take my shoes off, and now they're stuck! Damn it, I'm pants-trapped again! Eh, we'll tone it down for America, make 'em more likable.
(8-BIT THEME SONG PLAYS) - (KEY CLICKS) - It was March 20th, 1980-something, and Pops was back from another winning trip to Atlantic City.
Hey, your favorite high-roller is back with comps from the casino.
And we're talking drink vouchers, free rooms, and front-row sets for a band called RATT.
I understand they're terrible.
Please take them.
Hot damn, Al! You never lose, do ya? Come here and rub some of that good luck off on me.
I'll do you one better.
Call your bookie and put $100 on the Flyers for us.
You got it, big guy.
Just hit me with that cash, and I'll give him a call.
Put 'er on my tab.
I'm good for it.
So, you don't have the money? I'm just saving it to play the ponies.
Gotta keep that hot streak going.
Mm.
That lucky bastard! I'll tell ya, if I was an older lady, I wouldn't mind spending a little time with him.
This is a nightmare.
Relax.
I said if I was a lady.
No! I'm talking about my dad's gambling.
He just tried to borrow money from Bill, of all people.
Oh, Lord, she's right.
I'm not the person you ask for money.
My net worth is seven.
Bevy, the only thing your dad cares about more than gambling is doing what he's told not to do.
Let him go to the casino.
BEVERLY: Wait, that's it! When he does, we'll trail him and catch him losing big, and then he'll have to admit he's got a problem.
Good idea, Mur.
On your way back, fill my car up with some gas.
- Thank you.
- Fine.
Bill will help me spy on my father.
Wha No, no, no.
I just came over for some salsa.
Mur, say something.
Get me a funnel cake.
I love funnel cakes.
And so my mom dragged Bill to Atlantic City to see just how lucky Lucky Al really was.
Turns out, the old guy still had it.
Hot dog.
You're wrong, Bev.
The man's as lucky as ever.
Nope.
He's betting his watch.
You're right.
He's a degenerate.
While Pops was losing big, I was ready to unveil a little program called The Goldbergs.
So, it's like Leisure Suit Larry, where you walk around and do funny stuff, but in our game, it's about having a crazy family like mine.
For example, the overbearing smother.
She's there for every waking hour, and the sleeping ones, too.
Then there's a pants-less dad.
He only gets out of his chair if you touch the thermostat.
And Pops, the wise, old grandfather who guides you through this crazy world - with questionable advice.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) Wow.
This is an incredibly skilled graphic.
I'm proud of you.
Are you? - Is he? - Good luck.
I hope your family will be okay with you openly mocking them for the sake of comedy.
Trust me, I've been videotaping them my whole life and they don't even notice.
BARRY: What the crap? That looks like a computer version of me! Really? I don't see it.
(COMPUTER CHIMES) It's says my name right there! Dude! You can't make a game about me without express written consent! This game isn't just about you.
See? It's about our whole family.
See? There's computer Dad in his computer underpants.
(BEEPING) Dad! Adam put you in his stupid game, and all you do is sit in your chair and call us morons! Just let me sit in my chair in peace, moron! See? It's all in good fun.
Check out the Erica bonus level.
You throw rotten tomatoes at her as she busks.
If you get enough direct hits, she stops singing and goes back to college.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, man.
Erica's garbage.
Now, this one you totally nailed, bro.
Nailed what about me? What! Tell me now! Sister Erica, how would you like to be in a state-of-the-art computer game No! Take me out of that, or I'll punch your lazy eye straight! Well, looks like it's game over.
Or is it? With just a few clicks, it's goodbye, sister Erica, and hello, brother Eric.
If that's an option, then change me, too! What's to change? You're perfect.
I know that.
But the game says otherwise.
Look at that spaz run computer-me is doing.
I do not run like that! Yeeeaaah, except that you do.
No, I don't! Make me stop! You're just making him run faster.
Then I refuse to grant you the rights to my likeness forever.
That's the run right there.
How does he not see it? That's it.
I'm banning my dad from Atlantic City, the horse track, and all bingo parlors.
So you want to ban the man from his entire life? Yes.
I can ban anyone from anywhere.
Ask Murray if he's allowed in Sharper Image.
You did that? Why? Because I was losing him to the massage chairs.
Just like I'm losing my father to Atlantic City.
It's not just Atlantic City.
He makes bets with my bookie.
Wait, that's it.
You'll keep taking his bets, but you won't actually place them.
That way, when he loses big, he'll keep his money and still learn a lesson.
Truth be told, tailing an old man to a casino in another state was already a pretty full day.
So put me down as a "no".
I don't accept.
(WHISPERING) Son of a bitch! Hey, Pumpkin! Guess who just cleaned out the Tropicana again? Dad, your luck is incredible.
I just wish there was a way for you to win more without schlepping all the way to A.
C.
I wish, too, for this.
Yes.
You mean my dad should start placing all his bets with your great, new bookie Bettin' Joe? He sounds great! $100 on a six-team parlay Jets, Lions, Bucs, Saints, Oilers, and Packers.
There you go! If you're gonna bet six teams, they might as well be the worst.
Well? Oh, you want me to call my bookie now.
(DIALING) Hello Bettin' Joe.
Yeah, Bill Lewis.
Can I get $100 on a six-team parlay? Yes, all the ones that you just guessed.
(PULSATING TONE) He had to go.
As Bill doubled down on the lies, I was busy being brutally honest about my computer-game family.
(8-BIT MUSIC PLAYING) Turn it down, dork.
I'm writing music in my head with my eyes closed, and you're distracting me.
(WHISPERING) Oh I like it.
That's good.
(KEYS CLACK, COMPUTER CHIMES) Hey, did you just type in what I said? Nope! You have nothing to do with this game whatsoever.
Really? Then what's that? Just a random sweat-pants-wearing couch potato named Eric who thinks he's gonna be a rock star.
Huh, what a dipwad.
Dude! You're still making that game? I told you no Barry unless he runs as fast as Carl Lewis! Fine! I'll make you Carl Lewis! Is that all? Actually, I do have a few more tiny, massive demands.
You made computer Barry a friendless loser, which means you must add in the JTP.
- That's four more characters to design.
- Only three.
I'm sending a super clear but hidden message to Matt Bradley.
Your demands are insane! The whole point is to make a game about me and my actual family! Oh, really? So this is you in real life, a hunky hero with six-pack abs? My final demand! You must re-nerdify computer Adam in the spirit of honesty.
Look, even if I want to make these incredibly stupid changes, my creative team will never approve it! And yet, they jumped at the opportunity.
ADAM: Aw, man, are you kidding me? You actually listened to this butt clown? Barry's creative direction of the main character just made sense.
You monster! How dare you force me to face the reality of what I am! You can't just make fun of us and not yourself.
Fine! Then it's over! No one will ever see The Goldberg Game! (GAME THEME PLAYS) Oh, no Oh, yes.
He had it.
She had it.
The Goldberg program was everywhere! How is this possible? Made a bunch of bootlegs, bro.
This game's hilarious 'cause I can wedge you without real-world consequences.
Balls.
(LAUGHS) Somehow, The Goldberg Game was the talk of the school.
Suddenly, everyone was eager to tell me their many opinions.
Look! It's that lazy-eyed spaz who can't catch a baseball - from the Goldbergs game.
- Yep, that's me.
Yo, do you really run all the way home to poop 'cause you can't do it at school, just like in the game? Sadly, that's all real.
It's embarrassing but relatable.
I'm rooting for you, bro.
You really don't have to.
Yo, I got a question.
Why did you turn Erica into Eric? You're a liar.
Also, why's it always sunny in the game even though it's winter? Dates in general are all wrong, and I hate it! Do it better, or we'll kick your ass! Guys, it's just a dumb game! It wasn't supposed to matter this much to anyone.
Hey, bro! Me and the JTP have been playing your game and we got a butt load of notes.
No.
No more notes.
But you made me shirtless in the game.
I'm not Shirtless Rob.
I'm Naked Rob.
Take off my computer pants right now.
And you gotta make me taller! It's like the one defining thing in the game is that I'm short, but there's so much more to me! Also, why am I not in the game at all? - I am deeply hurt.
- (GASPS) Why isn't he in the game, Adam? I demand you put him in right now! (SPITS) While I was under attack from my critics, Lucky Al's gambling odds were growing worse.
My gut's telling me Drexel beats North Carolina.
I'll bet a C note.
$200 on Miss Alaska.
It's about time someone up there wins, huh? $100 on the ugly poodle to win at the Westminster Dog Show.
I know sumo wrestlers are supposed to be Japanese, but I just have a feeling about this Swedish gal.
Lotta good horses running today, but I'm gonna take $100 on Last But Not Least.
Okay, stop.
Just stop.
Why would you bet on a horse with that name? 'Cause it's a crazy long shot! She just gave birth and she doesn't take water, but I got a feeling.
Dad, you lost every bet you've made.
Clearly, it's time to stop.
Just learn the lesson already.
If anyone's gonna learn, it's you when you see how much I win on Last But Not Least! Don't do it, Al! That horse was 60 to 1 before it became a mama! Exactly! Easy money! Now make the bet.
Maybe I don't understand your plan at all, but your dad doesn't seem to be learning a damn thing.
Patience, Bill.
This is all gonna be over soon, 'cause there's no way in hell that mama horse is gonna win.
ANNOUNCER: And in an upset for the ages, it's Last But Not Least by a nose! I did it! Who's the big winner now (BLEEP)? Wow! Yay! Oh, we definitely all saw this coming.
Bill, call your bookie.
Tell him I want my cash in small bills, easier to fill the bathtub! Mmmm, you can't do that because money's filthy.
(LAUGHS) And secondly, you'd need at least $1,000 to fill the tub.
Good, 'cause I won $30,000.
Dollars? How is that even possible? That's what happens when a dehydrated horse that just had a C-section wins.
Somebody gets paid.
And I'm somebody! Ah-ha! And so, my mom owed Pops 30 grand.
Meanwhile, my sister had this waiting for me.
Ow! All I did was come home! How the hell could you not put me in your game? You said if I did, you'd fix my lazy eye with punches! That was before I knew it was gonna be popular.
If you had said, "Erica, "do you want to be in my popular computer game?" I would've said, "Yeah.
Whatever, maybe.
" Trust me, you should be happy you're not in it.
Happy? If this game becomes the next Leisure Suit Larry, this whole family is gonna be rich and famous except for me.
And I'm the one who loves money and fame.
It's my thing.
Babe, I just beat level five by convincing Eric to actually take a shower, get dressed, and interview for a real job instead of wanting to be a rock star.
Not now, babe.
I'm busy yelling at Adam for not putting me in his game.
What do you mean? Clearly, you're Eric.
No, he's a guy.
And a lazy, couch-surfing, wannabe rock star (GASPS) You bastard! No, no, no.
You are not in any way Erica.
I give you my word, Eric! You just called Erica "Eric," as if they're the same person.
Damn it, Geoff! I know I did! I am insulted and angry and very hurt! And I demand that you scrap this pathetic Eric character and put in lovable, ambitious, multi-talented Erica! It's too late! The game's out there! People really dig Eric! Oh, I sure do.
Although I do feel bad for his girlfriend, Geoffina.
She just kind of dotes on Eric and gets all bossed around and Oh, am I Geoffina? This isn't about you, Geoffina.
And if you want to be helpful, go get me a soda.
In the game or in real life? - Both! - Okay.
Enough! All I wanted to do was make a fun, little game about my life, and now everyone's mad and wants me to change it.
Lesson learned.
I'm never gonna make anything about this family ever again.
Here's your soda, my love.
Now I gotta go get Eric his soda.
(CHIMING) I really did.
While my computer game was right on the money, my mom and Bill were deep in debt to Pops.
So, the way I see it, we have only one option Call your real bookie, bet a ton of money on a bunch of other crazy long shots, and win the 30 grand ourselves.
- But what if we lose? - Well, we'll just keep betting more and more until we're back on top.
Then we are the ones with the gambling problem! Hey! Who wants to celebrate my big win with lobsters at Bookbinder's? - We need to talk.
- Me first.
I dug myself a really big hole and saw no way out.
I've always been Lucky Al, and it felt like I lost my touch in my old age.
But with this win, it proves I'm still me.
So, thank you, Pumpkin.
If Pops was gonna come clean, so would my mom.
- Or not.
- Damn it, Bill! Give the man his money! What? You know I can't do that! - You stiffing me, Bill? - Uh, n-no, no, sir! I will leap over this railing and come at you hard, son.
- Do not leap over the railing! - Don't leap over the rail! Then give me my money, man.
I don't play when it comes to my cash.
Dad, stop terrorizing Bill.
He's good for the money.
Wow! I just picked up the phone to call my real bookie, and he's already on the line! What's that? Yep, he's got the money.
Well, then, let's celebrate! Get on your glad rags, 'cause surf and turf's on Lucky Al! Ah-ha! Sweet Lord, lady.
I just wandered over here for salsa, and now I owe an old man thirty G's? (SIGHS) That man will learn his lesson.
Gamblers never win.
Except this time.
Yeah, it's not great.
The Goldberg Game had officially torn my life apart.
(CHIMING, DINGING) Game over is right.
The only choice I had now was to trash it.
Good news.
I trashed every copy of the game so you don't have to worry about being Eric.
Or you keep Eric, but change him to Erica and make her a budding rock goddess.
No one cares about Eric's lame music career! I have more notes on Big Tasty, mainly that you include that nickname as much as possible.
No! I'm done writing about this crazy family! Game over! Wait, are you talking about your computer game? If you're making changes, make Geoffina less annoying.
Aw, man.
I don't wanna hear crap from you, too.
Crap? It's good stuff! Good? All computer-you does is watch TV in your chair and scream about the thermostat.
Classic Mur! My God.
How are you okay with that? Because it's funny! Why is everyone so damn sensitive? Writing about Barry's spazzy run is one thing, but that game strongly implies that I'm a sad train wreck! - You are.
- Ha! It's true.
- And that's exactly how you run.
- Ha! So hilariously accurate.
- (THOMPSON TWINS "HOLD ME NOW" PLAYS) - Hey! Don't listen to these morons.
You keep going with that game.
It's the best thing you've ever made.
Wow.
You're really okay with this? Yeah! I'm okay with it.
Because it's done with love.
Thanks to my dad, I realized I had to stop listening to all my critics and just make something that I believed in.
Maybe it wouldn't be perfect, but at least it would be real.
Are you sure about these lobsters, Dad? This place is very expensive.
We're supposed to be celebrating my big win.
Dad, stop.
You didn't win anything.
What? I didn't place the bets because I was trying to protect you.
This gambling has become a real problem.
You think I don't know that? Bevy, I needed this win.
I needed to be me again.
Not like this.
None of this is you.
I just thought I could figure this out on my own.
I'm used to fixing problems in this family, not being the problem.
Well, now it's my turn to help fix this for you.
Hold me now Oh, warm my heart I'm really gonna miss those high-roller comps.
Dad, you're comped here every night.
I know.
It's just I thought I was different from everyone else.
I thought I was lucky.
You are! You have us.
And we have you.
And that makes us pretty lucky, too.
That day, Pops realized there's only one sure bet in life, and that's the love of your family As crazy as they may be.
Are you actually playing my game? For the record, I don't run like that, but it's kinda fun.
And as hard as it is to admit, we know you made this game with love.
I really did, but if writing about my life is gonna hurt the people I love, then, honestly, I don't want to do it.
No, Dad was right.
It's what you do best.
And, honestly, it's fine you changed my name.
It gives me plausible deniability over all the stupid stuff I've done.
And, man, I've done some really stupid stuff.
I'm gonna hug you both, and there's nothing you can do about it.
- Oh, lame.
- (SCOFFS) Enough with the hugging.
That day, I learned what it means when they say "Write what you know.
" There was nothing I knew better or loved more than the Goldbergs.
I am here with the real Eric Goldberg.
You know, this show is based on your family, and Barry is Barry, and Adam is Adam, but how do you really feel about the fact that you have now become Erica on the show? - I have plausible deniability.
- (CHUCKLES) I can, uh, deny all those true Goldberg stories.
People don't realize that a lot of Erica's stories come from your life.
For example, did you ever break into a pool and steal a knish and get arrested for it? Uh, true.
Um, I definitely stole a knish, and I did get arrested for it.
Did you ever sneak off to the Poconos and wreck your dad's car? I did sneak off in college with my girlfriend.
And the car rolled over and my dad did have a cow at the end when he saw the car with the roof crushed in.
True or false Did you get a fake I.
D.
in high school? False.
I did not get a fake I.
D.
I made a fake I.
D.
uh, with my computer and a laminator.
Uh, it was a fake I.
D.
from Illinois.
So, did you want to be a rock star, and can you sing? No, this is not true.
I have a horrible voice.
Thankfully, you have a beautiful voice.
- (CHUCKLING) Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES) - You'll be the rock star.
- (LAUGHS) Okay, I just programmed a new level in The Goldberg Game Your grade is a C-plus, Mr.
Goldberg.
I found the characters to be unlikable cartoonish stereotypes.
But it's a good game! So good, in fact, that I know there can be, like, t-shirts and action figures and spin-offs.
This could be bigger than Star Wars! - Star what? - How do you not know Star Wars? It's the greatest film franchise ever made.
Well, that's your opinion.
Rent Return of the Jedi see for yourself.
I only see movies in the theater.
Fine, I'll take you to see the Star Wars prequel George Lucas has been talking about.
- Is it out now? - No.
But he's been promising to make it forever, so it'll be any day now.
If I change your grade to a B-minus, will you go away? Good day, sir.
POPS: Ah-ha!