The Goldbergs s06e20 Episode Script

This is This is Spinal Tap

1 Back in the '80s, before we had the Internet to diagnose all of our illnesses, we had my mom.
That's right.
Before there was WebMD, we had BevMD.
My neck is killing me.
I must've slept on it funny.
What's that? Neck pain? Can you look down? - Yeah, I guess.
- You guess? [SCOFFS] We're going to the doctor.
It's definitely meningitis.
It's not meningitis! You know who else didn't think they had meningitis? Your cousin Gerald.
Then it ate through his spine, and now he's just a human jellyfish they have to carry around in a bucket! Walk away from me.
Let me see how you walk.
Your gait's uneven.
We're going to the doctor! And while my mother overreacted to everything, my dad didn't react at all.
Dad? I fell off the tree trying to get my boomerang, and this happened.
Just don't pick at it.
You'll be fine.
Yes! I'm going back out! Oh! Ow! But the worst was when you'd get caught between their medical philosophies.
Dad, does this look normal? Considering you're a greasy, oily teen with a zit? Yes.
No! That is a spider bite.
My nail girl Janae's middle son thought he had a zit, but it was actually a black widow injection point.
Next thing he knew, about 100 newborn spiders emerged from his fleshy cheek.
I don't like the spider eggs in my face, Mama! Murray, start the car.
We're going to the E.
Yeah, it's a zit.
I'm not doing that.
Mama's got you, baby! [PANTING] [STAMMERS] I don't want the spiders! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was April 3rd, 1980-something, and my sister's stalled music career was about to get a boost.
Guys, I have insane news! We just got the gig of a lifetime.
We're playing The Philadelphia freakin' Spectrum! The Spectrum? The Flyers Wives have this charity where they throw a whole carnival.
And we got picked to be the local band to perform live on stage.
How did this even happen? Word of mouth, obviously.
For sure.
Also, I submitted a demo.
Oh, my God, Geoff.
You are seriously the most amazing boyfriend/band manager ever.
Me, manager? Really? You got us our big break, Geoff.
You've totally earned it.
- Sweet! - If there's one thing I know, managing my hot-tempered girlfriend's band could only end well.
This letter's for you and Lainey.
Yeah, I submitted their demo six months ago.
So now they're only getting two-thirds of the band they want? You suck, and you're fired! Oh, no! This didn't end well at all! We are so boned! There's no way they'll ever want us to perform now.
Like, why not? We still totally rock it hard without Lainey.
It's true.
The Dropouts still got the goods.
I demand you go for it! Damn it.
Our old but re-hired band manager is right.
Our rocket ride to superstardom begins now.
You know, I've been dabbling a bit in documentary filmmaking.
Maybe I can make a rockumentary about you guys, like U2's Rattle and Hum.
No way, nerd.
Oh, wait.
Force of habit.
- Yes.
- For real? Our fans will for sure want to know how it all started.
Sweet! You get to perform for carnies and the Flyers' romantic partners, and I get to film it.
I heard "Flyers" and "carnies.
" I must be a part of whatever this is.
They got a real gig playing The Spectrum.
No, it's none of his business.
Just butt out, dude.
Come on! We both know you need my fresh rhymes.
Your garbage rap has no place in a rock band.
So what about when Aerosmith combined their rock with the sick rap stylings of Run-DMC? Doesn't matter! You're not even in the band.
Oh, I'm in the band! - No, you're not.
- I'm in the band.
No, you're not! Stop saying it! - Saying what? - You're in the band.
She said it! Adam's got it on tape! It's official! I'm in the band.
And so Barry decided to butt into Erica's life.
Meanwhile, my Dad was facing the decision of a lifetime.
What form you like your pretzels in, Mur? Rods or twists? Really? It's gotten to the point where you're so lazy, even Bill has to get your snacks? Hey, there's nothing lazy about my robust gentleman best friend here.
Thank you, Bill! He just hasn't been able to use his left arm for three weeks because of a searing, fire-like shoulder pain.
Thank you, Bill! You what? Why haven't you said anything? I just tweaked my shoulder reaching for the remote wrong.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
You can't move your arm.
How is that not a big deal? It's just a tweak! Or advanced leprosy.
Oh, no! That's the worst kind! Don't listen to her, Bill.
You know who else didn't listen? Myrna Silvman's nephew.
And the boy had to move to a Hawaiian island where there are no direct flights.
In the end, he was just an ear and a foot.
Sweet Lord! I don't want a friend who's just human odds and ends.
Go to a doctor! I'm not going to a doctor! They're scam artists! Yeah.
Looks like you just tweaked your shoulder.
Damn it! There goes another 100 bucks plus parking.
Why don't I set you up with a sling? Ugh.
Here comes the upsell.
I'm just so glad you don't have to move to a leper colony and turn into an eyeball and a couple of knuckles.
How long have you had this mole? - There a problem? - No, it's just a bit abnormal.
It's probably nothing, but I'd like to do a biopsy, just to be safe.
Ah, the "just-to-be-safe biopsy.
" Again with the upsell.
Your insurance covers it.
Head two doors down.
It's not gonna cost you anything.
Hoo-hoo! You hear that, Bevy? This clown's giving away free biopsies.
Quickly, show him your blotches.
Murray, this is serious.
I'm fine.
Don't spin out.
Doctor, quick question.
- Will he live? - Yup.
Don't sugarcoat it.
Will he live? Yup.
Have you no bedside manner? Will he live? Yup.
As my paranoid mom spun out, I was busy spinning documentary gold.
One, two, three, four! Girls, rise up Hey! Hey! Hey! Girls, rise up Hey! Hey! Hey! Girls rise up [RAPPING] Yo, whassup, girl? Get in my Jacuzzi I invited you in 'cause you look like a floozy That's inappropriate! My name is Big Tasty, and you just won the lotto So take off your clothes and come into my grotto Okay, stop right now! What the hell are you doing? Oh, just riffing on your girl-power theme with a laser-hot verse.
I'm gonna kill your face! Come on, Erica! Just let me rock The Spectrum with you.
This is my dream.
Oh, my God.
You have so many stupid dreams.
Why take mine? But this one encompasses all of them.
First, I wow the crowd with my lyrical gymnastics, thus getting signed to a major record label.
That's crazy.
Second, I drop the mic, pick up a hockey stick.
The Flyers Wives see my hockey skills and immediately sign me to their husbands' team.
That's even crazier.
Third, I drop the hockey stick, pick up a stethoscope, save the charity by curing cancer right there on the ice! You will not ruin my legitimate dream with your three ridiculous ones.
You're not in the band! [GRUNTING] [SCREAMING] - Hey! - I'm so sick of you! - Oh, no! - Okay.
Ow! My ass! His ass! Initial thoughts? Well, I I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, 'cause I love you, but this movie's complete hazarai.
What's that mean? Yiddish for "a flaming pile of [BLEEP].
" [SCOFFS] I know! Erica's band didn't even get through one song.
If anything, it's hilarious.
They're like big-haired bozos who don't even know what words mean.
Wait! That's it! This whole time, I thought I was making a serious concert film, but really, this is This is Spinal Tap! What is "Spinal Tap"? This is This is Spinal Tap! Okay, I know I ask this a lot, but I mean it this time.
What's happening? It's a mockumentary about a fictional band.
It's one of my favorite comedies of all time.
Look, here's a sketch from TV.
You've got Nigel Tufnel, David St.
Hubbins, Derek Smalls.
They're such British morons that their amps go to 11 and they can never find their way to stage.
Y You want to make fun of Erica? But your whole movie's supposed to be about her rocket ride to fame.
Does it really matter whose rocket ride to fame it is, as long as someone gets on the rocket? Mainly me? You're very passionate, so I'll just say, "Go get 'em!" Pops is on board! Thanks for always being there for me! I really don't need to come over so much.
While I secretly turned my rockumentary into a mockumentary [DOORBELL RINGS] my mom had spilled the secret about my dad's suspicious mole.
- What? - Hi, Murray.
It's just so good to see you up and about.
- Uh-huh.
- Thought you might like a nice homemade baked ziti tonight.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] What? We just want to say that we're here for you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] What? You are not alone, Murray Goldberg.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] What? We know about that suspicious mole! - Bevy! - What is it? What can I do? They know! They're giving me free stuff! I told you dumb cows not to say anything.
And thank you all for the thoughtful dish.
I told you it's not a big deal.
But then you go and blab it to your mob of yentas? I had to, Murray.
This way, they'll lay awake all night full of panic and misery, just like me.
It's the whole point of friendship.
Fine, as long as you didn't tell anybody else.
No one.
I promise.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] There's my angel on Earth.
I might've mentioned it to one other person.
Don't you worry, pal.
I'll marry Bev and raise your kids as my own.
After realizing my sister's band was ridiculous, I became Marty DiBergi and would direct my own version ofSpinal Tap.
So, this is where the magic happens, huh? Oh, yeah.
I find inspiration everywhere.
This week, I'm really inspired by women being empowered.
I mean, take someone like Gloria Tubman.
She discovered the Underground Railroad and was the first lady to vote.
She's my muse, which is why we dedicated our first cassingle to her memory.
It's called Don't be Jealous Cuz I'm Hot.
So, how long have you been drumming for? Actually, I'm pretty new to the drums.
But when I started, it was like I'd been drumming my whole life in here.
Ba-boom, boom, boom-boom, boom boom.
I have an irregular heartbeat.
Welcome to my musical lair.
Got my many trophies over here.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Check it! Personal kara-te dojo.
All my sweat gear.
Wristbands, headbands, towels Soaks it all up.
This is my home studio.
I got a list of words that rhyme with other words.
Cat, bat, hat, mat, rat Dude, why do you keep filming him? He's not even in the band! Yeah, I'm in the band! You're not in the band! You're not in the band! Get out of here! You suck! I'm in the band.
So, how'd you guys get your name? Our band name? Oh, man, that's a crazy story.
See, we're called The Dropouts because we dropped out of college.
When you hear it out loud, it's not really crazy or a story.
I'm their manager.
Rock 'n' roll! Danish butter cookie? [GASPS] But that's your special tin.
It's the least I can do.
I mean, this year's been so hard.
[VOICE BREAKING] No one in this family has taken me seriously except for you.
I don't know where I would be without your support.
I mean, you're making a whole movie just for me.
Ohh, wow! Ch Ch Chad, maybe you should cut? No, no, no, no, I want this all on tape.
I love you, little buddy.
[CRYING] I'm sorry.
I need a sec.
Oh, balls! Okay, this is no longer Spinal Tap.
We are back to being a serious rockumentary.
Understand? This is no longer funny in any way.
Oh, ge [SIGHS] I just made 1,000 concert T-shirts to sell at our gig.
Check it.
Who's Big Testy? [GASPS] Oh, no.
It implies I have oversized private parts! [GASPS] Oh, wait.
Nice! [CHUCKLES] Not a comedy.
Serious stuff.
While I was bailing on my mockumentary, my dad was cheering himself up with a day in the sun.
Going to the Phillies game.
See you later.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You want to bake in the stands in an open baseball stadium like a Wawa hot dog for hours on end? - You mean live my life? - Yeah.
Bevy, let the man have a little fun before he lays down his burden [VOICE BREAKING] and crosses beyond the veil.
Bill, no one knows what you're saying.
Go wait in the car.
It's fine.
Go see the Phillies.
All I ask is you take a few tiny precautions to protect yourself from the sun.
[GROANS] Let's get this over with.
Is that you, Mur? It is him, underneath three layers of SPF-500 sunblock, opera-length ski gloves, my gardening hat, zinc for the nose, fetching neckerchief, and BluBlocker sunglasses.
In case it's not clear, I'm not going to the game.
Don't worry, buddy.
Just a regular-season game.
Not gonna miss a thing.
Phillies great Mike Schmidt stunned the baseball world today with his surprise retirement announcement before tonight's game.
18 years ago, I left Dayton, Ohio, [VOICE BREAKING] with a dream to become a major-league baseball player.
[CRYING] I thank God that dream came true.
You made me miss Mike Schmidt's last game.
Was he good? Only the greatest Phillie of all time! Well, maybe he'll change his mind and play more baseball games.
- Leave me be.
- Got it.
My dad wouldnever get over missing that game.
Meanwhile, The Dropouts had arrived at the city's biggest charity event.
Okay, guys, we're rolling.
All right, time to finish this very legitimate, non-ironic documentary.
Everyone feeling okay? Not at all.
There's so many people down there.
Dude, you're our manager! Your job is to calm us down! I want to, but did you see the crowd? If you're not super nervous, you really should be.
This is, like, a total nightmare.
They even got hockey legend Bobby Clarke in the dunk tank! I'm so glad I'm not in this band and don't have to sing for him.
What do you mean you're not in the band? You made it very clear that you were! I never once said that! All right? Tell 'em, manager Geoff! I can't! It's too much! I quit! Oh, no! We just lost our manager! He's, like, the backbone of this whole operation! Okay! Everyone, calm down! Erica, you said me supporting you means everything, right? So hear me now.
You were born to do this! What about me? You were born, too.
[GASPS] Was I born? Yes, everyone here was born! Okay, just go out there and sing your heart out so I can get some awesome footage for my very real, non-comedic documentary.
[CHUCKLES] Adam's right.
We got this, guys! Rock 'n' roll! Rock 'n' roll, baby! Also, I'm back in the band! Whoo! Rock 'n' roll, baby! Whoo! [LAUGHS] - Yeah! - Yeah! Rock 'n' roll, baby! Rock 'n' roll! Let's go! Rock 'n' roll! [DOOR RATTLES] Oh.
Must be the, uh, other way.
Rock 'n' roll this way! Rock 'n' roll! Yeah! [WHOOPING] Rock 'n' roll! Ow! - Rock 'n' roll, baby.
- Rock 'n' roll! [CLAPPING] Whoo! Rock 'n' roll! - All right.
- Whoo-hoo! - Hey.
- Uh, we're looking for the stage.
Oh, you go down that way, turn left, then left, and go straight up the ramp.
- There's your stage.
- All right.
Rock n' roll! - Rock n' roll.
- Rock n' roll.
Whoo! Yeah.
One more lap.
Whoo! Rock n' roll! [CHUCKLES] Rock n' roll! Damn it! What the How the hell you all end up back here again? Oh, my God! You guys really are Spinal Tap!What? I'm literally doing everything I can to not make this documentary a complete farce, but it's impossible to make you look good! Wait.
That's what you've been doing? Making me look like some kind of joke? Honestly, I didn't have to do much.
So much for being the one person left who believes in me.
[SIGHS] [SHOUTING] Hey! I found another place that's not the stage! Now please help me down! I'm so scared! Hey.
I know you're mad, but I got you a little something that I know will cheer you up.
[CHUCKLES] I went to Carvel, and I ordered a Schmitty-Puss! - A what-a-puss? - Schmitty-Puss.
It's a Cookie-Puss ice cream cake with a butterscotch mustache made special just for you! You didn't have to do that.
I already moved on from the whole Mike Schmidt thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I went back to Dr.
Emry this morning.
- Without me? He said it's all good.
After all that, I'm fine.
[SIGHS] Oh, poop.
I am so relieved! You have no idea.
What are we waiting for, Mur? Let's go get our Schmitty-Puss.
I can taste Mike's butterscotch mustache right now.
[SNIFFS] Wow, your neck is thirsty.
It's really sopping up all this sunscreen.
Yeah, spread it around good, like peanut butter.
What the hell's going on? What? Just doing what you wanted.
Sunscreening up.
Carvel is down the street.
He doesn't need that much goop to go a couple of blocks.
All right, go ahead and pop that shirt off.
Don't want those rays to get through.
No! Don't pop anything off.
- What the hell is happening? - Nothing.
Did you talk to the doctor? What did he say? Well, the general gist is he's got a bad mole, so Mur's gotta go back and have more melon balled out.
You took him to the doctor instead of me? - I'm his rock.
- No, I'm his rock.
Enough! You are unbelievable.
Your suspicious mole turns out to be more than suspicious, and you weren't even gonna tell me! I just didn't want you to go crazy, like you always do.
What's crazy about loving my family and wanting them to be healthy? You made Adam think he had a spider's nest in his face.
You told Erica that she had coal miner's lung.
And you convinced Barry that he had salmonella! He did have salmonella! He ate a raw goose egg that he found in the park.
Fine! Barry's a moron! But the last thing I need right now is you spinning out.
Of course I'm spinning out.
You're my husband! I want to help you! You can't.
Look, I haven't taken good care of myself.
But I gotta deal with this on my own.
Because you, all you do is make it worse.
My mom realized that she had to stop stressing about my dad's health, so she took a more laid-back approach.
Hey, hey! What's the word, papa bird? - What is this? - It's just me.
Easy-breezy Beverleezy.
What are you talking about?Oops.
I almost forgot.
Doctor E gave us a ring rang, little jingle jangle on the Ma Bell.
What? What are these words? Doc said you're all set for your little snip and stitch manana.
Not that I'm stressin'.
Ya feel me? Actually not, but it doesn't matter.
It's just outpatient.
Bill will take me home.
Makes no diff to me.
Cab it, thumb it.
Heck, grab Big Tasty's skateboard and shred all the way home, brah.
Did you say "brah"? Did you get hit in the head? What's wrong with you? [LAUGHING] Nothing! Frankie says "Relax"! Where's the beef? I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Oy vey, Murray! Beverly's loudmouth yentas just told me about [WHISPERING] the mole.
You're harshin' everyone's vibe, Daddy-o.
The only mole we talk about in this house is guaca-mole.
Why is she speaking in jive and Spanish? I told her that she makes us crazy with her constant worrying.
That, you do.
Okay, fine! I love this family so much, I worry myself sick.
That, she does.
But there's one thing I'm even better at than worrying when it comes to my family, and that's kicking ass.
That, you do.
So I'm not gonna worry about this anymore, and neither are you, because I refuse to let anything bad happen to you.
Understand? But if I'm gonna change, then so will you.
No more ignoring doctors and not taking care of yourself.
You're gonna eat right, wear sunscreen And take a damn walk with me once in a while.
Got it? That is why you're my rock.
I always will be.
Turns out my dad was just as scared as my mom.
But with her help, he was ready to face anything.
As for Erica, she was ready to bail.
It's a map to the stage.
You're gonna need it.
We all agree you got this.
Go away.
I'm not going out there.
You were right.
We're a joke.
It's my fault.
You only think that 'cause of my mean video.
It's no one's fault.
'Cause this whole music dream of mine, it's just not happening.
Well, you may not believe in yourself, but you were right.
I really do believe in you.
And I know you can rock the hell out of that crowd.
Truth is, you don't even need my sick rhymes.
You'll do great on your own.
Although I would do a lot better if you were out there with me.
Even Aerosmith needs a little Run-DMC every once in a while.
So what do you say we forget about my stupid song and do a real one? Normally, documentary filmmakers aren't supposed to get involved with their subjects, but screw it! And so Erica and Barry got a taste of their musical dreams by joining forces to show everyone in The Spectrum how to "Walk This Way.
" [WALK THIS WAYPLAYING] [RAPPING] Ahh, she starts swingin' with the boys in tune And her feet fly up in the air Singin' "Hey, diddle-diddle, "with the kitty in the middle" And they swingin' like it just don't care - So I took a big - Chance - At the high school - Dance With a lady who was ready to play It wasn't me she was foolin' 'Cause she knew what she was doin' When she told me how to walk this way She told me to Walk this way Talk this way Life is a funny thing.
That year, my dad's big health scare would change him forever.
But the one thing that always stayed the same was that my mom would be right by his side.
As for The Dropouts, playing The Spectrum wouldn't just be their best performance.
It'd be their last.
'Cause as important as it was for Erica to achieve her musical dreams, she realized it was more important to go out on top.
'Sup, cheerleaders? You may have heard about my gig at The Spectrum last night.
It's huge news.
People are talking.
Anyway, I am back on the market.
And with graduation coming up, time is running out to score a date with Big Tasty.
- Who is that? - You're funny.
I like that.
How do you feel about Olive Garden? Sorry.
It's a "no".
'Cause of Lainey.
- You know Lainey? - All cheerleaders have a strict code.
Ex-boyfriends are off-limits.
Your loyalty is very refreshing.
Thank you.
And in the spirit of honesty, I really didn't want you to say yes, 'cause I'm not over Lainey.
I'm only here to impress the jocks.
- They said yes! - No.
They didn't.
Also, we don't care.
Well, have a nice day, cheerleaders.