The Goldbergs s09e01 Episode Script

The Goldbergs' Excellent Adventure

1 POPS: What time is this party kickin' off? ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my grandpa, Pops, was the greatest guy ever.
I hear someone turned 16 and could use a new car! He was my partner in crime - (CELL DOOR SHUTS) - sometimes literally.
He was always up for an adventure.
I-I just like spending time with the boy.
Everyone loved Pops, which is why we had such a hard time when he passed away.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - But months later, we were finally moving on sort of.
Oh, hi, Beverly.
How are you? How are most orphans? Oh, that's right parentless.
I know.
I lost my mom and dad a few years back, so To a car accident? You are never gonna know the pain of losing someone who passes quietly in their sleep.
Well, you're obviously still hurting, but we thought it might be nice for you to get out and take a walk.
Oh, did you? "We.
" I D-Did you hear me say "we"? - I-It was her idea.
- She was most insistent.
Essie, could you for once consider someone else's feelings? Your parents may be extremely unlikable, but they are still alive.
Okay, well, if you change your mind I will not change my mind.
If you're looking for me, I will be sitting in the dark bedazzling black rhinestones.
Yeah, a sandwich sounds great.
Poor Bev, still having a hard time.
Nah, she's good.
She cried at the thing.
Look, all I'm saying is, your mom is distracted with grief.
We have a window to pick our wedding venue with no interference.
Is it just me, or do you talk more than you used to? Come on, how beautiful would it be - to get married on a sandy beach - He's still going.
We could get a rabbi and a hot air balloon! Erica's dismissiveness suggests she's also struggling.
Eh, she just doesn't like people.
It's how I raised her.
Erica's not the one with strong emotions.
Son, is that a French toast skewer? I'm too angry to idly sit and eat.
From now on, all my meals will be on sticks to allow for constant movement.
I know better than to ask, but why? Pops had an awesome watch that commemorated the first 12 Super Bowls.
Super Bowl One, Super Bowl Two, Super Bowl Three This one's seeking a medical degree? Did he leave me that cherished heirloom? No.
That went to Adam.
And I got this?! He knew the only thing I hate more than reading is writing.
He knew.
Barry's also not dealing with his grief.
Instead of crying, he's raging and eating food in an unconventional manner.
He's always angry and eating stuff on sticks.
Mur, after the hubbub of my dad's funeral, that's when the sadness really hit.
I didn't know how to deal with it.
I'd spend hours digging large holes for no reason.
I even gave away our Swarovski crystal frog collection.
- Crystal frogs? - You'd be surprised at people's affection for glass amphibians.
Any hand-blown woodland creature, really.
A bear, a moose, a raccoon, spunky chipmunk.
- But that's not the point.
- I would hope not.
I finally got around to my dad's last wish.
My wife and I spread his ashes around an oak tree.
It was his favorite spot.
Now, I put it off because I was afraid to say goodbye.
But sure enough, once I faced it, I felt better.
I wasn't listening, but that had the rhythm of you being done.
Come on, Mur.
Just because you're an emotional black hole doesn't mean your family doesn't need help.
Eh, the family's fine.
This one's even back to doing his weird movie thing.
You know it.
Pops and I were making an homage to "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" cleverly titled "Pops & Adam's Excellent Adventure.
" And it's time to get back on set.
Using green screen technology, I can put Pops' face right here.
So we finish our movie and our excellent adventure continues.
- Maybe I need to do something.
- Great.
I know.
Ashes around a tree.
That's my thing.
Y-You should think of something personal.
Already landed on the tree thing.
Excellent! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) ADULT ADAM: It was September 22nd, 1980-something.
Thanks to Bill, my dad's secret plan to help us grieve - was in motion.
- Hey, Mur! Hello, Bill, my trusted friend who never lies.
What brings you to this neck of the woods? Well, I was just out patrolling the area for our community watch.
We've had a few gruesome stabbings.
- Oh, no! - Stabbings? Told them not to put in that new bus stop.
Gee, Bill, that's a lot of terrifying information, but I'm sure that's not the reason you came over here.
Back on track.
I spotted this envelope over in your begonias.
Mailman must have dropped it, and it blew away or something.
(GASPS) It's from my father's attorney.
Attorney, you say? It's postmarked for almost two months ago.
My real inheritance! Pops gave me that dumb pen so I can endorse the $10,000 gold certificate that clearly fits inside this! Ah, give it to me.
"Dear Goldberg Family, this letter is to inform you "that it was Albert Solomon's final wish "that you join together in spreading his ashes "in his favorite place.
" That's it? Check the back for a treasure map or a deed to a silver mine.
- Nothin'.
- "Favorite place"? That's a little unclear.
It is unclear.
Yes, but it's on the firm's actual letterhead, and it has a raised seal of a horse holding a gavel, suggesting legitimacy.
Thank you for your contribution, Bill.
I gotta get back on patrol.
- I wonder where Pops meant.
- (DOOR CLOSES) Easy, the oak tree by the driveway.
That's a northern white cedar.
Great wood for making traditional Scandinavian saunas, canoes, or even a playful wishing well.
Okay, let's grab the urn and start a'spreadin'.
No way.
My dad hated that tree.
It had that squawky bird in it.
Chirping was constant.
Whippoorwill-whippoorwill! We get it! Go back to the sky, bird.
Fine, maybe it wasn't that tree.
But I'm sure it was another tree that's within easy walking distance.
A random tree doesn't seem right.
What was Pops' favorite place? We need to make a list.
- To the board! - Oh, no.
Don't you see? Pops wants us to figure this out together.
Just one more family quest, compliments of the best time-travelling bro a guy could ask for.
(AS TED) Not bogus.
Is he getting weirder? ADULT ADAM: My dad's simple plan was turning into anything but.
First up, narrowing down a list of Pops' favorite places.
There's Paris.
He helped liberate a whole country.
You know, Paris would be a romantic destination wedding.
- Ugh, never mind.
- Sorry, my love.
By trying to satisfy your every desire, I made it about me.
The truth is, your grandfather was very proud to have served, but the French people he found to be filthy [Bleep.]
What about the fridge? He was in there enough.
- What about the deli? - Pops loved the deli almost as much as he hated me by giving me this useless pen.
- The deli it is.
- All right, let's honor his wish and spread his ashes in a suburban sandwich shop.
He did love that deli with the big barrel of sour pickles and that lady with the thing on her face that we all just ignored.
No, he loved the deli with the beef tongue in the display case.
He'd say to the guy, "How's it taste?" and the guy would say, "Oh, it doesn't anymore.
" And they'd laugh, and he'd order bagels.
No, Pops liked the one with the big salamis hanging in the window.
He let me use two as nunchucks once.
They hurt my belly two different ways.
He loved our peoples' food too much! This letter sucks! It's way too vague! Bill found this in our flowers? Bill's not great with specifics or friendship.
And that doesn't even sound like your Pops.
He'd either say what he meant, like when he called me a wuss, or he'd make a game out of it, like when he made me play Hangman, and the answer was "wuss.
" That's it! It is a game.
And the letter has the clues! Yeah, I think we're giving the letter too much power.
Would a lawyer really have a seal with a horse wielding a gavel? Or does the horse mean something else? - The race track! - (GROANS) - And just like that - Go! we were off to honor my grandpa's last wish, even though he'd never actually made one.
This feels right.
His home away from home.
) Patrons, please avoid the lower concourse.
It's now an active crime scene.
So, where's this gonna happen? I thought we'd scatter his ashes around the track.
I'm gonna find a manager and have him halt the races for the day.
Beverly Goldberg? I knew it! I recognized you from your picture.
I'm Oscar.
I'm an old friend of your dad's.
I heard the news.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
(SIGHS) Really? My dad showed you my picture? Yep, the whole family.
He was always showing you guys off Barry, Erica, Adam, oh, little Enrique.
- Little Enrique? - Say, could I meet the fam? I actually want to give you guys something.
Uh, okay.
(CHUCKLES) And action.
Enough with the camera, you moron.
That's the right energy, but the wrong words.
Remember, you're the grumpy principal who threatens to flunk me and Pops if we don't ace our oral report by kidnapping historical figures (AS TED) in our pay-phone time machine.
Yeah, rock-solid plot.
Everyone, this is Oscar.
He was a friend of your grandpa's.
He was an amazing man.
He bailed me out more than once.
And I mean that literally.
Forgery doesn't pay, kids! Yeah, you you said you had something for us? A little gift from me to you in honor of Al.
(QUIETLY) Pop Goes The Weasel in the sixth.
Your gift is a horse tip? Not a tip.
A guarantee.
He's a 100-to-1 shot about to have his day.
Just look at him out there.
Wait, that's Pop Goes The Weasel? The horse that's smiling at me? Hey, look! He kind of is! Dad, I demand you put all your money on Pop Goes The Weasel to win.
Absolutely not.
This is fate.
Barry might be right.
I mean, the horse's name is Pop Goes The Weasel.
If it was called Pops Goes The Weasel, that would be fate.
Pop Goes The Weasel, no fate.
But it's so close.
Not his name.
Listen to me.
Pops, Pop.
Pops, Pop.
You hear the difference? Wait, you said the race - is the sixth? - Yep.
That's Pops' second-favorite number.
- Not including 12.
- Or everything in the 30s.
Pop Goes The Weasel to win! I'm not gambling our money away.
Pop Goes The Weasel running on the same day Bill shows up with that letter? That's gotta mean something.
Why is everyone so obsessed with this sloppily written letter? Come on, I think it might somehow make us feel a little bit better.
Take my wallet.
- (SIGHS) - Not you! ADULT ADAM: Much like Bill and Ted, we were on an adventure to find Pops' favorite spot.
Meanwhile, Geoff was locking down a wedding venue.
Hey, I just spent an hour on the pay phone, and while I can't get the mysterious goo off my hand, I was able to secure for our nuptials the rooftop of the Ritz-Carlton.
Rooftop? Gross.
But the day we got engaged, that was the place you said you wanted, remember? That's where pigeons do it.
I'll go beg for our deposit back.
- (BUGLE CALL PLAYS) - Okay, everybody, this is it.
If we win, I'll forgive Pops for the dumb pen.
My heart is open.
- RACE ANNOUNCER: And they're off.
- Go! - Come on! - Pop Goes The Weasel - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - is off to an early lead.
ADULT ADAM: In that most excellent moment, we knew we were in the right place.
RACE ANNOUNCER: Pulling way ahead, it's a Cinderella story.
ADULT ADAM: Maybe Pops was looking down on us.
RACE ANNOUNCER: Pop Goes The Weasel is about to (HORSE NEIGHS, THUD) - Oh! - (CROWD GROANS) ADULT ADAM: Or not.
RACE ANNOUNCER: He's on the ground.
His legs are not in a natural position.
That looked bad.
Why are they putting up a sheet? - Now a forklift is coming out? - (FORKLIFT BEEPING) Is this really the time to move some crates? This doesn't feel like the kind of place I want to spread my father's ashes.
ADULT ADAM: So the track was a bust.
Why is everyone taking their hats off? Just get out of here.
But my mom was determined to continue the search for Pops' favorite spot.
Hey, there's gotta be someplace we're forgetting.
Think, people.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! What about our living room? Pops loved to sit and watch TV.
We can sit there and watch TV, too, in quiet and solemn remembrance.
How about the blood pressure machine at the pharmacy? Is there field of bialys somewhere? I got it! The horse on the seal isn't holding a gavel.
He's holding a clarinet! What an incredibly lazy and confusing logo.
- The jazz club! - The jazz club! - Let's go, family! - Think I can tag along? Al really meant a lot to me.
Also, I recently gambled away my car.
I guess so.
This is awesome.
We're picking up historic people from Pops' past just like in "Bill & Ted's.
" - (IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING) - And just like that, the Goldbergs' excellent adventure - Yeah.
- was back on track.
This feels like my dad.
- The ambiance, the mood.
- (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) You think they let anybody sing? Nope, so stop staring at the mic.
I am sorry, the club's 18 or over.
The child's gonna have to leave.
Oh, I'm sorry Kidding.
Would you and your doll like a Whiskey Sour? Uh, we just stopped by because her dad, Albert Solomon, loved this place.
Hold on.
Beverly? Oh, my goodness.
Al told us all about you guys.
Hey, everyone, this is Al Solomon's kid.
- MAN: Hey! - My name is Shorty.
Al was a great friend, a friend to us all.
Oh, that means the world to hear you say that.
And, man, could he play that banjo.
Are you musical, too? Shorty, I would be honored.
- Wait, what? - We apologize in advance.
Hello, all you hep jazz cats.
I'm so touched that you've taken me into your hearts, and now your ears.
- We should settle in.
- This one goes out to all the orphans out there.
Let the world hear our pain.
Two, three, four.
Papa was a rolling stone Wherever he laid his hat was his home And when he died, all he left us was alone ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom found a way to channel her pain through a 12-song set.
(SCATTING) There was scatting (SCATTING) Hey, I'm takin' it, yes, I am crowd work (SCATTING) I'm scatting, Erica.
a few high kicks (SCATTING) and, of course, some air guitar.
Windmill! (LAUGHS) And some real head-scratchers.
She'll be comin' round the mountain She'll be comin' round the mountain She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes Whoo! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) All right, boys, take five, but no jazz cigarettes.
I want you clear-headed for my encore.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) You know, there's healing in giving the gift of song.
Giving was something your dad sure did a lot.
He was always there for his friends.
So, what's a classic story about my dad that we've never heard before? There's one you probably don't know.
This is from just before Al passed.
He wasn't supposed to be on the road.
- Whoa.
Pops hit two cars.
- (CRASHING) He hit way more than that.
Okay, we get it.
I feel bad even showing you guys this.
Well, my dad would have insisted on paying for all the repairs, so, Murray, checkbook.
I hate this day.
And, also, I can't spread his ashes at the scene of his last car accident.
The adventure continues! I'll search his letter for new clues.
- Ah, forget the letter.
- Let me see it.
- Why do you want to see it? - Because it could be helpful.
Fun letter talk, but I'm starving.
Can we order some food? I brought my own stick.
Ah, you don't want to eat here.
- Hey.
- ADAM: Hold on.
Pops' favorite diner is just a few blocks from here.
I could have a nosh.
While I was excited for our journey to continue, my mom began to suspect that something was up.
Murray [Bleep.]
Our excellent adventure had led us to Pops' favorite diner, but my mom had some grilling of her own to do.
So, Bill found an envelope in the bushes near our mailbox, and we just missed it for two months? Bushes.
They're not really our friends.
You know, I was thinking, if wedding planning was something you wanted to avoid, - we could just elope.
- Sure, we can hit the courthouse tomorrow before my nap.
Or after, if you want me to be in a better mood.
That was a trick question.
You don't want to have a big celebration? I don't want to talk about this now.
Can I get you guys started with something? Pops will have the corned beef hash, extra crispy, with wrecked eggs and - Noah's Ark? - Wha How did you I only have one customer who orders every single sausage patty, link, and fry Al Solomon.
Is he here? How's my hair? He's our grandpa.
Well, was.
He passed a couple months ago.
I need to sit.
Can I get onion rings instead of rice with the flounder? It's just so heartbreaking.
Fries, then.
And a side of sliders.
Hey, everyone? This is Maggie.
She and Pops were - Lovers.
- Bed buddies.
(CHUCKLES) Human "Tetris" pieces.
There's no better way to say it.
Seems like there has to be.
So, are we supposed to write down our order? 'Cause I don't know how to spell sherbet.
After an intensely amorous evening, we would stay up all night and just talk.
- Aww.
- Don't "aww" that.
Who wants some rice pudding? She just wants to celebrate love, Erica.
Don't start with me.
Now this thing won't write at all! Guess I'm not eating anything, and I can thank Pops for that, too.
Enough with the pen, Barry.
Says the guy wearing the Super Bowl watch that should be mine! You're hiding something.
Hiding? Me? Something? I want that watch! You take the pen! Get off.
Your hands are weirdly wet and also ice cold.
It's the pen! It doesn't let my hand breathe! Murray, look me in the eye and tell me - this letter is real.
- It's real.
- Look me in the eye.
- I am.
- Rituals matter.
- Not to me.
Give me my rightful inheritance! Ow! That's right where my wrists taper! - Murray.
- Fine! The letter's fake.
I had Bill make it.
There's no final wish.
- Oh! - (AIR HISSES) Oh, no.
Of course it's fake! Horses don't hold gavels! Murray, how could you? I'm sorry.
It's just that everyone's having such a hard time.
It's supposed to be hard.
We lost somebody we love.
But no one's dealing with it.
Y-Y-You're suddenly calling yourself an orphan and you won't go out with your friends.
And Erica hates every wedding venue because they're all missing the same thing.
Her grandfather.
Is that true? And Barry hates that pen because it makes him think that Pops was disappointed in him somehow.
And this one's carrying around a doll and calling it Pops so he can pretend he never died at all.
We're not handling this well.
But we're not all built like you, Murray.
I'm worse than all of you, because I haven't been able to face this at all.
What are you saying? The guy who gave me my business, my family, my happiness, he he's gone forever, and I don't know the first thing to do.
You really miss him, too? Of course I miss him.
I'm sorry I haven't talked about it.
It's just so damn hard.
Babe, I'm so sorry.
I-I've been so selfish.
No, it's okay.
We're gonna have a great, big, happy wedding, because I know that's what Pops would have wanted.
Bar, that's the pen Pops used to write Grandma with when he was away during the war.
In every letter, he promised he'd come home safely.
And when he did, he said she'd better be ready to marry him.
How do you know all that? I know everything about him.
He was my best friend.
I-I wish I got to know him like that.
I feel like I messed that up.
You had your own special thing with him, and it meant the world to him.
That's why he wanted you to have that pen.
This is why Al would brag about you guys all the time.
So much love.
You know, if we want, we can still spread some ashes.
I'm pretty sure I do know Pops' favorite place.
You knew all along? Just seemed easier to have an adventure - than to say goodbye.
- (ALPHAVILLE'S "FOREVER YOUNG" PLAYING) And so, somehow, even though our quest wasn't real, we still found a way to complete it.
It really was a tree after all.
Not just any tree.
This is where Pops proposed to Grandma.
That's why it was his favorite place.
He said that everything that was beautiful in his life took root and blossomed right here.
His marriage, his family, his friends.
Ah, what a mensch.
I think I know where I want to get married.
Right here.
It's perfect.
Before we spread the ashes, uh, Adam would like to say a few words.
As you know, Pops and I were making a movie that we're just not gonna get to finish.
But there's something in "Bill & Ted's" that sums up how Pops lived his life and how he'd want us to live ours.
It's a little goofy, but here it goes.
"Be excellent to each other, "and party on.
" There's nothing harder than losing the people we love.
But after that day, we began to heal.
We felt ready to start living our lives again, to get back to who we are Move! to think about the future I'm ready to plan your wedding.
while still celebrating the past.
I realize we shouldn't dwell on the loves we've lost, 'cause there's more than enough love right here.
I'll do the cooking, honey I'll pay the rent I know I've done you wrong (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) God, these are comfortable.
Who knew? Pops.
The man was way ahead of his time when it came to sportswear for the sedentary athlete.
I'm never wearing anything else.
It's like being hugged by a giant cotton ball.
Well, if wearing those tracksuits helps you feel close to Pops, wait till you taste his favorite, kippered herring.
- To Pops.
- To Pops.
- To Pops.
- To Pops.
- Ohh.
- Mm! That is relentlessly oily.
So fishy and salty.
How many bones can there be in one bite? Well, he was right about the tracksuits.
Damn right he was.
I've been advocating for this lifestyle for years.
(CHUCKLES) Mm, not bad.

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