The Goldbergs s09e02 Episode Script

Horse Play

1 Back in the '80s, high school was a tricky place for me.
I didn't always enjoy the acceptance of my classmates, or the teachers, or the principal, or the building.
But I had applied to my dream school with my dream girl, and our envelopes from NYU had arrived.
- Nervous? - No.
I'm cool as a cucumber that's been hot-brined and barrel-aged for maximum flavor.
I'm your special pickle, baby.
Just part of the charm of sharing this moment with your family instead of my own.
Pish-posh, Brea.
Your mother's divorced.
She's got bigger fish to fry.
These envelopes are pretty thick.
They say that's a good sign.
Open the damn things, already! And tear! Oh, my God! I got in! Sweet balls! So did I! "Dear Brea Bee" "Dear Beverly Goldberg" Wait, yours says "Beverly Goldberg.
" Ah, that's probably just a typo.
Whoo-hoo! We did it, Bevy! They're in college! Now they're society's problem.
I'm supposed to go to NYU as her? Oh, look at Mr.
Big Pants here.
Too good to go to college as his mom.
How would that even work? We'll "Tootsie" you.
Bevy, get me a sparkling red dress, some curlers, and a bucket of makeup.
I need answers.
Why does NYU think I'm you? Surprise! I applied to NYU and got in.
Yay! Dreams do come true.
Do they? Do they? I mean, did I want to spend the next four years with my baby as his best friend/study buddy? Of course I did.
Did I think it would actually happen? Of course, again.
And you thought this was a good idea? What I was thinking is that he shouldn't go to his dream school without his dream girl.
- I'm gonna go.
- Run.
I would, too, if I didn't have exercise-related asthma.
See you around the student union, fellow Bobcat.
Roar! Found a letter for you, Adam.
It was wedged in the pages of my Us Weekly.
There's an article about the guy inside Chewbacca.
Damn it, will you just give him the obviously tragic news? Okay, but it's thin.
I'm on the wait list.
It's not a total rejection.
Remember when we went to Benihana for Erica's birthday and we got on the wait list? We ultimately got in.
At 9:45.
Dad fell asleep and burnt his forehead on the grill table.
And they were out of hibachi butter garlic shrimp.
All they had was hibachi butter sea salt shrimp.
Why even call yourself a place of business? Damn it, Bevy, you gotta fix this! Don't worry.
Just like I wrote in my NYU essay, I'm a glass-half-full gal who enjoys problem solving.
You better.
I am so frickin' worked up right now! It's too thick.
So many words of acceptance! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 29, 1980-something, which was Geoff's dad's birthday.
And Erica was a little nervous.
Are you sure he's gonna like it? How could he not? You found a way to combine his love of racehorses with his awareness of pillows.
It's just that now I'm officially gonna be a part of the family, I really need your dad to like me.
Don't be silly, you silly silly.
That's way too many sillies, Geoff.
- That's always been your tell.
- So silly.
But over the years, Geoff's dad had hardly been Erica's number-one fan.
Why are you mowing my lawn? It's the middle of the winter! Who gives the gift of song when the gift of song has already been given? The only reason Geoff is in this mess is because of your terrible influence, and it stops now.
Silly memories! Happy birthday, Lou! Please, dear.
It's Dr.
Lou Schwartz.
Anyway, I made you this.
A pillow with a horse on it.
That is Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew.
That muscular thoroughbred took me 19 days to sew, and he tossed it in the broom closet.
That's where he tosses all his favorite gifts.
Louie! Erica's birthday airball is the perfect segue to my gift.
This is very exciting! This certificate entitles the bearer to one game of Horse against me, which I will dominate.
To be arranged around Barry's schedule and mood.
And Horse tracks with my love of horses.
Is that a Bomb Pop wrapper? It doesn't matter what it's on, it's a sacred covenant between two men.
One of whom has a blue tongue.
Hope you saved some room for my famous waffles.
I did not, but that won't stop me.
Oh, God.
What the hell was that? Hey, who else heard "waffles," the pancake's geometric cousin? Stop.
He hated my gift.
A horse pillow? After what you did? What did I do? Geoff? Oh, come on.
You know.
It was high school.
My parents were out of town.
Joanne threw that party, and you took my dad's two prized porcelain Clydesdales and - Posed them like they were doing it.
- What? No, I didn't.
Oh, why are you denying it? Okay, it was the one moment in our lives I actually respected you.
That's why your dad's been cold to me all these years? Because of some little horsy hanky-panky? Not just that.
Turned out when he separated the delicate figurines, Champ had broken his hind leg.
- Champ? - Champ and Dottie.
They're actually brother and sister.
Anyway, he was able to glue it back on, but you could still see the tiny fracture, or at least my dad could.
Well, I'm so sorry for him and Champ, but why would anyone think that was me? 'Cause Joanne saw you do it.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, she couldn't have, because I wasn't even at that party.
Oh, I know what happened.
- I did it and said that it was you.
- What? Yep.
I'm a scamp.
But all's well that ends well.
As if I needed any more proof I'm with the right lady.
Waffles, babe.
While Erica had learned she had taken the fall for Joanne, my mom was ready to spring into action.
We need to talk.
So sorry in advance.
Damn it, door, you have one job! Are you eating your own personal pan cookie? I eat one every day.
That seems like too much.
Does being happy seem like too much? Enough about the man's giant daily cookie.
Adam was wait listed at NYU.
And here's another headline, she got in.
But you're his mother.
She got the big envelope and everything.
All my ears and whiskers! The big envelope? That's the real deal.
Well, it's nice to be wanted, but we're hoping, as his guidance counselor, you can arrange for him to take my spot.
What a fun and outlandish solution.
Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way at all.
Brea's gonna have to give you her spot.
Now, do you want to talk to her, - or is that a Mama-do? - Not that, either.
G, NYU is my dream school.
I'll do anything.
I get it, but the admissions people need to get it, too.
Adam, we're gonna get you into college, but first, go make a pishy.
It's gonna be a long drive.
You both can't go.
You're right.
Schmoo, wait for me at home.
No stove or scissors till I get back.
Please listen.
It has to be Adam and Adam alone.
The admissions people need to see that he can advocate for himself.
Or I call them and tell them how good he is at advocating for himself.
There you go, Mama.
No wonder you got in.
Adam needs to do this on his own.
- But with his mama.
- No.
Looks like it's time for this guy to step up.
But first, she was right about that pishy.
I had gotten some much-needed clarity, but Erica was still confused.
Not only am I wrongly blamed for putting your father's porcelain horses in unspeakable positions, but worse, you thought I did it.
Well, in my defense, I actually kind of liked that you did it.
What are you saying right now? I'm saying I like bad girls.
Like Olivia Newton-John in Grease, when she was pretending to be someone she wasn't.
Oh, my God.
You don't even know what a bad girl is.
Hey! Ooh, that horse shindig was fun, wasn't it? The hell it was.
Oh, are you still upset I haven't told my dad I made his ponies dirty? That was like 30 minutes ago.
Get over it.
It's been years, years of your father's passive aggressive resentment.
You have to tell him.
I hear you, but here's the thing, I don't want to.
See, things used to be pretty tense between me and old Lou.
You know how he calls me Jojo now? Well, he used to call me a bad girl.
Like Olivia Newton-John in Grease.
Have either of you actually seen that movie? Like when she comes back with those black pants, and her hair's all piled up? Ooh-la-la, right? Erica, you wouldn't want a silly thing like the truth getting between a father and a daughter.
Especially now.
I mean, things between us have never been better.
Still, all the negative feelings that he would have had for you, he's had for me.
In my defense, I never thought you'd figure it out.
Well, I have, and now my relationship with your dad is just supposed to suffer for the rest of my life? No.
Just until he dies.
Or you die.
Or I die.
God, it's funny how death is the answer to so many problems.
I have the perfect solution.
We can't let Erica take the blame, - because she didn't do it.
- Thank you.
And we can't let Joanne take the blame, because she's adorably difficult.
I got the right fella.
- Then who, Barry? - Someone else.
Well, that narrows it down.
You need specifics? - Buddy Kaplan.
- Who? He was this huge math geek in our class.
God only knows what happened to him.
We throw the blame on Buddy, and all of Erica's problems are solved.
- This can't be our best option.
- I like it.
Yeah, because it's not you.
God, I just love how close we're getting.
Yep, Joanne refused to plead guilty.
Meanwhile, I was making my case to NYU.
Excuse me, Dean Martin? I'm wait listed applicant Adam F.
I have an appointment.
Ah, yes.
Here we are.
We'll let you know.
That's quicker than I expected.
Well, there's not really a lot to say.
It's just a process that needs to play itself out.
But you got to let me in.
I'm totally NYU Film School material.
Perhaps you missed my killer essay? Was it about the first time you held a video camera and you knew what you wanted to do with your life? - Wow.
I guess it really stood out.
- It didn't.
But I took the bus here.
The guy next to me had a snake.
It wasn't a pet.
I think he just found it.
Goldberg, the students are admitted for a reason.
I'm talking about unique life stories, personal achievements, overcoming obstacles.
Did you not hear my harrowing snake bus tale? I assume you're from an upper-middle-class, suburban family? Well, I wouldn't say upper.
Both our houses, regular and beach, are fairly modest.
We are looking for people who have thrived despite real obstacles.
I got a crazy amount of those.
I just need a little time to narrow them down.
But I'll be back.
Or you'll patiently wait for our response.
Ha! I just got roasted by Dean Martin.
So I gathered the people who knew me best to remind me of some of the many difficulties I'd overcome.
What do we got? Uh, that substitute PE teacher did make you jump rope in gym.
Not really.
I just had to collect all the jump ropes.
But they did get into a nasty tangle which took well into my snack period to undo.
Oh, you were the most beautiful little boy in kindergarten.
How is that an obstacle? Well, a lot of the other parents got quite miffed 'cause I kept saying it.
You said beating "The Legend of Zelda" took way longer than you thought.
You're thinking of "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link," silly.
I am silly.
What about that time you were homesick at space camp? Really, Dave Kim? You think my biggest challenge was high-fiving American hero John Glenn? Is anybody seeing an alarming trend? Video games, space camp.
Adam's kind of a nerd.
Brea Bee, I will run over your bike.
Wait, she's right.
I am a nerd! No offense, man, but you don't have the grades to be a nerd.
Better! I'm an underachieving nerd.
Yes! My baby will overcome the sheltered privilege I provided! Joanne didn't want to take the blame for disgracing Lou's horses, so they did the next best thing and blamed a complete stranger.
Buddy Kaplan? Really? That's what we're all saying here, I guess.
But more importantly, I didn't do it, so you can now see me as the wonderful addition to your family that I am and we can all move on.
I wish I could, but Buddy Kaplan's my accountant.
- You know him? - Know him? We trust him with our life savings.
Not anymore! I'm firing him immediately! You can't fire Buddy! He was a child then, and now he's an adult with a child's name.
Don't be stupid, son.
Sure, he's got four foster kids, but I'm not employing someone who'd make my ponies perform acts against their gentle nature.
Who knew the fate of so many lives could be affected by those little porcelain dolls? I know, right? A butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, and now Buddy Kaplan has to send his foster kids back into the system.
It wasn't Buddy Kaplan.
The person who did it was - Randy Sperling.
- Our lawyer? He and Buddy set up our trust! Why are you guys insistent on hiring so many young people? I am a sucker for a young man in Haggar slacks.
It is a handsome pant.
But now we have to let the whole team go.
I'll tell you who really did it, but your heart's gonna be shattered into a million pieces.
It was me! Geoffrey? The able bearer of the Schwartz name? That's right.
I'm a nasty boy, and I like nasty horse business.
Then show me, Geoffrey.
Show me exactly how the horses were posed.
Well, they were They were face to face.
And then their giant horse lips met, and it was a magical, consensual evening.
Not even close.
It was a tangle of equine anatomy from muzzle to hindquarters.
Barry did it.
- Really? - Why not? If you ask me, you're both covering for someone else.
Lou, don't get yourself worked up again.
This is just about some silly ceramic horses.
I've seen them at trade shows for over $75! - Each? - For an unsullied pair, which these are no longer, Erica.
You know what? It was me, actually.
I took I took Champ and Dottie here and I mashed them together, sexy-style.
I just Ohh! My loving treasures! I'm sorry.
At least now you have a real reason to hate me.
Happy birthday.
Erica's horseplay had put her deeper in Lou's doghouse.
Meanwhile, I was about to give the dean a dog and pony show of my own.
I figured out what I've overcome.
The need to knock when you don't have an appointment? Zing, Deano.
Actually, I'm here to prove to you that I've endured the greatest adversity in modern society.
I see.
And who is this with you? This lovely lady is my girlfriend and incoming NYU freshman Brea Bee.
She's here for moral and easel support.
So you're socially challenged, but somehow managed to land this gorgeous woman? Please, she may be a New York 10, but she's a Jenkintown 5.
- Adam! - Sorry! But the stakes are high! You know you're a fox.
Let me have a little sunshine.
So you think NYU should let you in because you like Star Wars? More like love.
That's R2-D2.
- Brea, you're on.
- Nerd alert! Nerd alert! You do realize that Star Wars is the most popular movie franchise of all time, right? But I, like, really like it.
You also threw "video games" up there.
Isn't that something every teenage boy enjoys? But I, like, really like them.
You also wrote "glasses," something I wear.
Are you saying that I'm a nerd? Gah! Why is this impossible? I mean, she got in.
- Adam! - You know what I mean.
No, I don't, actually.
I have better grades, test scores, and extracurriculars.
Not to mention a better essay.
That thing about divorce? Boo-hoo, you have two Christmases.
You know what? Find someone else to hold your easel.
The easel stands on its own.
I needed you to flip the pictures! So did I do it? Am I in? As my dreams of NYU were crumbling, Lou was trying to pick up the pieces of his little horses.
Champ's ear is completely gone.
The only silver lining is you can't hear my despair, buddy.
It's time for me to do the right thing.
I've glued Champ's tail to Dottie's snout.
God forgive me.
I have some upsetting news.
More upsetting than the Frankenhorse I just created? The truth is, it was me.
What? I'm the one who originally posed your ponies.
So now you know who to be angry with.
It's water under the bridge.
Wait, it is? Am I happy she broke them? Of course not.
But she was just a girl.
Kids make mistakes.
But you've been torturing Erica for years over these horses, and suddenly "kids make mistakes"? You're a mistake! I don't know what that means, but I don't like your aggressive tone.
I don't know what your problem is with Erica, but she's gonna be my wife, and you better get over it.
While Geoff had finally stood up to his dad, I was falling all over myself trying to get Brea to forgive me.
Damn it! Careful, Schmoo, you're gonna damage your cheeseburger phone.
What's the point of a whimsical novelty item if the love of my life won't talk to me? I'm right here.
Here, let me make everything better with a forever hug.
But it doesn't change the fact that my life is ruined.
We'll get you into a better school, one that's even closer.
For one second, can you stop thinking about how this affects you? It's my dream to go to NYU with Brea.
Now I don't have either.
I'm sorry.
I get it.
Let's figure this out.
Well, there's always the classic big, romantic gesture.
That's brilliant.
That fuss-bottom dean will love that.
I meant for Brea.
But why not use your seductive boy powers to charm your way into NYU? That's not an altogether terrible idea.
I have charmed my way into the heart of many ladies who are way out of my league.
Why not an academic institution? And the moment you knock that dean sideways with your song and dance razzle dazzle, she'll let you in, and Brea will be right behind you.
Well, that's impossibly optimistic, but I got nothing else.
Yay! Ha-ha! Mama solved it.
Your forever hug is now forever kisses.
Aw, no.
The ones by my ears are so loud.
Having fallen further down NYU's wait list, it was time to take a big swing.
- Here we go.
- Oh, no.
It's not another pathetic attempt to beg my way in.
Then what is it? It's this.
Are you serenading me? Just let me and my pals in the soft rock supergroup Foreigner explain everything.
I've been waiting For NYU To come into And that's enough.
Because you're swayed by my passionate musical appeal? I'm gonna give it to you straight.
I can't date an applicant.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
This romantic gesture isn't a romantic gesture.
Am I flattered? Yes.
I mean, maybe even a little curious.
Oh, don't be.
You know, I work late.
I live alone.
I mean, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes long for another's touch.
This stops here.
Mom! You're supposed to wait in the car! Did you not hear his beautiful song? That is how much he wants you.
Hold on.
You're his mother, and you put him up to this? Damn right I did.
My baby knows what he wants, and I want him to have it.
Mom, please! Remember what Mr.
Glascott said about doing this on my own? To hell with Glascott.
I got accepted into this school with barely a high school diploma.
Wait, you applied to NYU so you could go to college with your son, and you got in? Let's just say I get what I want, and right now, I want you to do your [Bleep.]
job! That blazer's disgusting.
So That's my mom.
She's a lot.
Maybe you have dealt with a significant obstacle.
What are you saying? I'm just saying maybe I underestimated what you've overcome in life.
FYI, my dad's no picnic either.
You know what? I'm gonna give your application another look.
That's amazing! And just know, from now on, my door is always shut.
And you should know that won't stop me.
With that, I realized that, thanks to my mom, I'd still have a shot at NYU.
Yep, sometimes the people we love help us in unexpected ways.
Is for horses.
Don't remind me.
Yeah, about that.
Um, I've got someone here who wants to talk to you.
Lou Schwartz? Again, I am so, so sorry.
Call me Lou.
And I'm the one who should be apologizing.
Wait, what? Look, Geoff is my special boy.
I love him with all my heart.
Me too.
That's just it.
When you started dating, it just I don't know, felt like a loss.
It's a parent thing.
It's hard to explain.
I think I get it.
But I took it out on you, and that's unforgivable.
No, it's not.
Forgiving is what family does.
You know, Geoff has always known what he's doing.
I was worried that I was losing my sweet son.
Turns out, I was gaining a wonderful daughter.
I'm always right.
Truth is, we're all trying to work through things.
Sometimes, it's letting go of mistakes from the past.
Don't do it.
Big, romantic gestures don't always work.
Believe me, I know.
I'm just so sorry.
The idea of not spending the next four years with you has made me crazy, and I took it out on the wrong person.
Well, I guess that kind of makes sense.
I accept your apology.
Will you also accept my congratulations? I haven't told you how happy and proud I am that you made it into NYU.
They're so lucky to get you.
Well, they're gonna be lucky to get you, too.
I'm not giving up hope.
Me neither.
And, sometimes, it's holding on to dreams of the future.
In the end, when you have the support of the people who love you most, you're already in the winner's circle.
While our fingers are crossed for NYU, let's take a look at some of your back-ups.
How do you feel about Tulane? Oh, New Orleans.
Ah, the Big Easy.
Po'boys with my boy.
What else you got? There's Northwestern.
Ooh, Chicago, home of the Bears.
Mama and baby.
University of Miami? Well, if the rhythm doesn't get you, my nom-noms will.
Is there anywhere I can go next year where she can't follow me? Well, there is this all-male Jesuit school - in northern Minnesota.
- Set up the interview.

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