The Goldbergs s09e05 Episode Script

An Itch Like No Other

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the 80's, Mr.
Glascott was many things.
I'm Mr.
Glascott, the roller-skating guidance counselor.
My trusted advisor This is inappropriate.
- A co-worker - (BEVERLY WHOOPS) A sometimes entertainer.
And once he rented the house next door - (DOORBELL RINGS) - A frequent visitor.
- Howdy, neighbor.
- What time is it? It is 06:31 in the glorious morning.
One minute after neighborhoods across the globe officially open for biz.
It's barely light outside.
You know, I used to live overlooking a limestone quarry.
That giant, watery pit held so many mysteries.
And, for some reason, a Safeway shopping cart.
The street lights are still on.
I made strudel.
Be careful cutting it.
My first rent check is baked inside.
That's fun, I guess.
Oh, it was an accident.
You know what? Let's plate it before the caramel smudges the ink.
ADULT ADAM: And it wasn't just early-morning visits.
He always found a reason to pop in.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Neighbor favor.
Do you mind if I borrow your station wagon? My tuba won't fit into my Datsun.
"You play tuba," you asked? Yes, I do.
And here's a taste.
For him, visiting hours were sunrise to sunset.
Here's your evening paper.
Oh, we don't get that.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, but I do.
Grab a pen, and we can circle the yard sales we want to hit this weekend.
(GASPS) Ooh, a jigsaw puzzle! You start sorting.
I will tackle the borders.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's a kitten eating ice cream.
I think I got it.
Okay, then, I'll just sit and cheerlead.
Aww, look at you! His paw is holding a spoon.
I just remembered I hate puzzles.
Okay, well, JG is tapping in.
Oh, Adam, you know, it is customary to offer a neighbor a cup of coffee.
That doesn't sound like anything I've learned in this house.
Black, with two sugars.
And also, cream.
Yep, there was no escaping him.
- (BIRD SQUAWKING) - Even in the middle of the night, his presence was felt.
Wow, it's worse in here than in our room.
It's Mr.
Glascott's damn parrot.
(SIGHS) Yeah, John said she was in heat and night vocalizations are normal.
Normal? I can't sleep because of the sex screams of a 40-year-old bird.
I wish there was something I could do.
Buy me that slingshot I always wanted, and I'll end this right now.
- Adam! - Sorry! But the guy's just so up in our business.
It's making me think bad thoughts.
I'm losing my innocence, Mama.
Glascott's just coming on a little strong, but I'm sure he'll settle in.
I'll settle it right now.
Give me a pellet gun and a place to stand.
Who am I? Okay.
Just lay down.
I'm sure Feather Locklear will calm down as soon as John puts her shows on.
Good night, Schmoopie.
GLASCOTT: Aww, so adorable.
He can see me? It's the perfect angle from my thinking window.
Howdy, neighbor! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was October 20th, 1980-something Geoff and Erica were called to get Barry from urgent care.
He was having Well, a delicate issue.
Barry, are you okay? If this is another lollipop scam, enough is enough.
They sell them by the bagful.
I don't fake injuries for lollies.
I do it for the thrill of the con.
But this time, it's real.
Very real.
Your friend has a severe case of - Don't! - They can't take care of you if they don't know what it is.
Fine! I'll explain.
I have what's known as Mega testosterone.
He has poison ivy in and around his anus.
Hey, that's my story to tell! Yes! God, this is gonna be good! How? It's a harrowing tale of adventure and survival.
You pooped in the woods behind the Wawa and wiped with a poisonous leaf, didn't you? Reggie wouldn't let me use the one in the store without a $5 minimum purchase! I only had $4.
27! Why didn't you at least buy toilet paper? The indignities are stacking up.
Sorry about your skin irritation, Bar.
- It could have happened to anyone.
- It really couldn't.
Here's the instructions for his care, and I can't believe I have to say this Don't rub strange plants on your delicate areas.
I'll be a doctor, too, soon.
So, Barry, just to make sure I understand, you want us to help you? You're my only choice.
Joanne can't know.
And I can't ask Mom, 'cause based on prior experiences with ointment, she'd be too eager to help.
- But why us? - You two dopes are the most responsible people I know.
Please? I can't do this on my own.
Take cawr uv baby Bewwy.
That doesn't work the way you think it does.
Come on, Erica.
He looks at us like Mom and Dad.
(SIGHS) Pass around the cigars.
We're the proud parents of a 200-pound, ten-ounce bundle of idiocy.
And I promise to make it easy as possible.
I doubt that.
- Okay.
- Easy! - Okay! - Easy! As Geoff and Erica suddenly had a new responsibility, my dad was showing off his own sweet baby.
Fifty thousand BTUs.
Eight burners.
Two spits.
I can roast a pig and a baby goat at the same time.
She's gorgeous, Mur.
What are you gonna name her? Don't be stupid.
Well, I find it easier to connect with objects than people.
- It's not for everyone.
- And no tank.
Just a gas line from the blind couple's house.
Why do they own a car? What's the first meal you're gonna fire up, Mur? I'm gonna have Bevy cook up some burgers.
And this Bar-B-Cutie is ready.
That's the spirit! But maybe tone it down on Saturday.
Saturday? For what? Our first neighborhood barbecue.
Shut your perfectly marbled T-bone face.
I sometimes give Dolores pet names after prime meats.
Petit Filet, Ribeye'd Lady, Jenkintown Strip.
She hates all of 'em.
With a grill like this, I can't have my lady cooking just for me.
She'll cook for the whole block.
It's the life I've always dreamed of! (GRUNTS) We'll host every weekend and invite all our friends, but we'll always exclude one couple, hmm? Everyone will be in a permanent state of social anxiety.
Yay! And don't forget buns.
When we went to the beach, you didn't bring buns.
Kinda ruined the day.
And I know the first person you should invite.
What? Why do I have to get involved? Well, he's new to the neighborhood, he's eager to meet everyone, and he's got an infectious smile.
Plus, if you go right now, you can watch the game in his media room.
Those are only for Hollywood fat cat.
Or I guess anybody with an extra room.
So, what do you think? Eh, off to the media room.
Life-size cheerleaders.
Now it won't be weird when I kiss the screen.
I was like, "Why waste such an amazing space "on giant screens and plush seating, "when I could have my own Zen garden?" Uh, I don't get it.
Where's the big TV? Oh, it's over there.
I put one of my old kimonos over it, and I'm using it as a stand for my bonsai tree.
It's like a big tree, but everything about it is actually small.
I tell you what's not small.
The amount of sand that's in my shoes.
Do they make these in the apple and pear variety? I'd like to pick a piece of tiny fruit and put it next to a spider, huh? Oh, I'm afraid not.
So, who's up for a Zen walk? Me, I guess! How do I do it? You just step slowly.
Let your mind go blank, and keep doing that until the goblins go quiet.
Hey, Mur, you gonna hop on this crazy conga line? - ADULT ADAM: He was not.
- Mur? While my dad had bailed on Glascott, Erica and Geoff were all-in on helping Barry.
- Step.
- Ouch! - Step.
- Pain! Okay, Erica, you lower him onto the medical donut, and I'll hide his pill in a piece of cheddar.
Well, now that I know, I won't eat it.
My fault.
I'm gonna go make you a totally unmedicated - milkshake right now.
- Yummy.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah! - Here we go.
Ahh! She missed the donut! Erica, you got to be careful.
It's not my fault! He's shaped weird.
Hey, I'm shaped perfectly! Okay, let's switch it up.
Erica, you handle the meds, and I'll lower him onto the butt bagel.
- Come on.
- (GRUNTING) - (BARRY SIGHS) - How's that? It's like floating on freshly fallen snow.
How'd you do that? With my strongest muscle.
My first laugh since I used every leaf on that uninviting bush.
- Thanks, Geoff.
- Here's baby's baba.
(SLURPS) Gross.
It tastes like medicine.
I'm gonna make you a new one, champ.
Erica, I'm hungry, and I want something delicious.
There may be a war raging in the canyon below, but up in this valley, I want to live like a king.
I'll get you a banana, Your Majesty.
Blech! I want hot wings.
The hotter, the better.
I don't care what the doctor said.
My mouth didn't sit in poison ivy.
Barry was a handful, but as the day went on, things got Well, not much better.
The remote? - There was his bath - BARRY: Aah! The water is scalding! My secret garden can't take this heat! Did you check with your elbow? You gotta check with the elbow.
I'm coming in eyes closed! His ointment time You gave this to Barry to rub on his butt? - It's his ointment.
- It's Dippity-do.
What's the diff? It seemed to work.
BARRY: It did not.
It is an area that does not need to be styled.
And, finally, bedtime.
(SIGHS) Okay, he's finally down.
- Yippee.
- He wanted a bedtime story, and he insisted I make it super graphic.
It was very uncomfortable.
Well, I'm sure the smile on his dumb little face made it all worth it.
Why are you so upset? I'm the one who's doing most of the work.
Oh, you love doing most of the work.
BARRY: Guys! I need help to the bathroom! You know, 'cause of my condition! Here's where I prove you wrong.
You're up.
How about no one's up? We can let him cry it out once in a while.
Yeah, that's not really my style.
Yeah, which is why he's worse and worse.
I mean, you just spun him an R-rated goodnight yarn.
BARRY: There's a ticking clock on this! Okay, fine, I'll go.
But tomorrow, I have to be in lab, so you're on call.
But remember, I have a cappella practice.
BARRY: Yay! It's Geoff! He helps without hurting.
ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was always there for my brother, Mr.
Glascott was just (SIGHS) always there.
It's almost 5:00.
Did you stay late after school? Nope, we carpooled and took the scenic route home.
I had a very fascinating dream last night, so I took a few extra turns so that I could tell Adam all the details.
We drove to Paramus and back.
My brain is very active when I sleep.
They say it's a sign of genius.
(CHUCKLES) Or madness.
But we know which one, right? (CHUCKLES) I'm pretty clear on it.
Hey, is Murray in? Bill and I sort of hogged the Zen path yesterday, and I think he may have felt a little left out.
You know, instead of that, how would you like to join a book club? Ooh.
I liked the plot of this one.
Me too.
One thing happened, then another, then another.
And it kept going that way until the end.
And how about the description of that lifeguard? I could almost smell the suntan oil on his abs.
It's like mouth-to-mouth, and then maybe a little body-to-body.
Essie, did you even read the book? - I'm sorry? - You should be.
What terrible choice did the lifeguard make? Ooh, I remember.
He bought some swimming trunks that were way too small.
He watched a man drown and did nothing.
What's the point of having a book club if you're not gonna read the book? We usually have wine.
Well, it's a good thing that I'm here.
I'm gonna get some pens and some paper.
To jot down our grievances with your tone and manner? No, so we can have an in-class essay, and I want all of your eyes on your own paper.
I'm looking at you, Essie.
I want to go home.
Bevy, is John gonna be at the big barbecue this weekend? Lou and I might come down with a wet cough depending on your answer.
(ALL FAKE COUGHING) (WHISPERING) Glascott will know nothing about the barbecue.
ADULT ADAM: Erica had been taking care of Barry, but it was time for her to go, and Geoff was nowhere to be found.
Do you really have to lay there like that, with your butt hovering in the air? Well, ever since you overinflated my medical pillow, my options for comfort are limited.
(SIGHS) I never thought I would miss looking at your face.
And there's a new issue.
The pain is now an itch.
(GROANS) - An itch like no other.
- You heard the doctor.
Scratching will prolong the healing, and nobody wants that.
Just give me a slotted spoon? A balloon whisk? A seafood fork? A grapefruit spoon? A melon baller? One of those little things you hold corn with? Anything! Ew! You're a little too familiar with the scratching power of our silverware.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? I'm already late.
Geoff was supposed to be here an hour ago.
You can't just leave me here like this! - Watch me.
- Erica, please.
You're the only thing between me, my butt, and your silverware drawer.
- I can't believe Geoff flaked like this.
- (EXHALES) - Hey, what are you doing? - (SCOFFS) Nothing.
I see your hips moving! You're wiggling to itch your butt! Okay! I'm sitting on a hairbrush.
My hairbrush? It's not yours anymore.
And I don't care if it makes it worse.
(SIGHING) It's the devil's relief.
Oh, my God.
Barry, you need to distract yourself.
Here, look at this! Whoa! - It lights up.
- Mmm-hmm.
And the mirror makes my eye look like a giraffe's! Yeah, you want to know what else is fun? - Keys! - (GASPS) - (KEYS JINGLING) - (GASPS) - They sound like sleigh bells! - Mmm-hmm.
ADULT ADAM: Erica had her first parenting win until she saw something that would make her lose it.
Geoff? walking out of the movie Twins.
Yep, Geoff was on thin ice.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - And Mom was hot on the trail of getting Mr.
Glascott a new pal.
Hey, neighbor! Look who's chatting up well-known crank, Mr.
Yeah, I'm confused, too.
She asked me a question, I responded, and it just kept going.
Well, you know, until today, I hadn't taken the time to get to know Dale, and I'm learning so much.
Like, did you know he made his own canoe? Ooh! For work or play? Strictly play.
Woodburn gets after it on the weekends.
(GASPS) Here's a fun idea.
John, do you remember the other night when I came home from work and you were waiting for me on my porch? Yes, I had made a Cobb salad and had half a head of lettuce left over to share.
No, the other night when you wanted to read me your bucket list.
Oh, yes.
I made a few updates and wanted to get her feedback.
Wasn't "canoe trip" on there? You had moved it up from 18 to 16 and then moved down "try sushi.
" And that reminds me, I undercooked some salmon and ate it anyway.
- Do you think that counts? - No.
Woodburn, aren't you gonna take that canoe out this weekend? Yeah, maiden voyage.
Where is this going? I'm just saying, maybe you two should go canoeing together on Saturday.
Holy crap.
Is my one-man watercraft becoming a two-man watercraft? Wait, you'd like for me to join you? Couple of bachelors on the Delaware without a care in the world and a lifetime of regret.
That's got legs.
Okay, I guess.
(CHUCKLES) Yay! Friendships forming everywhere.
My mom had pulled a fast one on Glascott, but my sister wasn't going to let Geoff do the same.
Hey, babe.
What's all this? My way of saying sorry.
You've done all the work with Barry, and I've been no help.
Other than today, when you had to be in the lab.
About that, I should have called, but there was, uh, an explosion.
Oh, no, not in the lab where you definitely were.
Yeah, the chemicals went (IMITATES EXPLOSION) And the glass was like (IMITATES GLASS BREAKING) And everyone was like "Aah!" It was crazy.
Well, things were less eventful here.
I just missed a cappella practice.
Oh, right.
Sorry about that.
It's fine.
They just gave my solo to the girl with the back brace.
That sucks, but she needed the win.
Oh, Barry is sound asleep.
You want to slip out and catch a movie? I thought we could see Twins.
No, thank you.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I hear it's a hoot.
Because they're unlikely twins.
Yeah, no, I get the premise.
One's tiny, the other's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Why wouldn't you want to see a very popular movie with me? Could it be because you weren't at the lab and you've already seen it? Oh, no! You know! Damn right, I know! You were the one who said this was parent practice.
It was just harder than I thought it would be.
And then you bail on me? What does that say? It says I'm a bad daddy! A, a bad boy who's gonna be a bad daddy! Bad-boy daddy! That's me! (GROANS) (DOOR SLAMS) (BARRY SHOUTING) Who woke me up? I'm cranky now! That grill is unreal.
Not only does it sear to perfection, but it makes me hate people less.
Yep, the barbecue is a smash.
And even better, I didn't take this away from John.
I gave him a friendship.
Taking what you're saying at face value and not digging deeper.
Hello, Beverly.
John? You're, um You're all wet! (CHUCKLES) Woodburn's homemade canoe wasn't seaworthy.
We hit some rapids, and it broke apart.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
We were at the mercy of the current, gasping for air as we bounced between rocks and other boaters.
And they all just laughed at us.
Canoeists are not a good people.
I'm so sorry.
For what? For the hour that I spent clinging to a branch so that I wouldn't go over a waterfall? Or for the fact that you threw a barbecue without me? Oh, this? - Mmm-hmm.
- What? No, no.
Murray just decided to throw an impromptu meat-fest.
You know, he's so fun and spontaneous.
He is famously none of those things.
You pawned me off so you didn't have to invite me.
We have been spending a lot of time I get it.
Too much John.
Well, guess what? You don't get any John! Except if you have another John in your social orbit.
I mean, it is quite the common name! (SOBS) My mom couldn't handle knowing she hurt Mr.
Glascott, so she dragged me next door to make it right.
I get that you have constant issues with everybody, but why am I here? Just need a little cover story to get us inside.
Any chance I can get a little heads up on whatcha got cooking? - (DOOR OPENS) - And the door's opening.
Landlord's son.
Can we come in? I'm sorry.
I only allow friends into my private domain.
We can do our nasty business right here.
I really wish I could just get a hint about what's going on here.
Adam needs to check the rat traps.
What?! Why me? Because your snuggly little boy body still fits in the crawl space.
The doctor said I'm still growing.
Well, until then, off to the dark you go.
Just make it quick.
I was about to wash my bird's tiny mirror.
Here's a bag in case you find anything.
And a mallet, so you can (CLICKS TONGUE) - You know.
(CHUCKLES) - I don't know! And these are things that should have been discussed beforehand! (FEATHER SQUAWKS) So (CHUCKLES) How are things? Well, things are fine Oh, how dare you? Trying to lure me in with a classic conversation starter.
- About the barbecue - Stop.
If you're feeling guilty, don't.
I don't need your friendship.
(CHUCKLES) I'm aces, baby! (SQUAWKS) I'm so lonely.
(SQUAWKS) I'm so lonely.
But my bird, on the other hand Relax, girl.
You'll find someone.
It's clear the bird is just repeating something you said.
Parrots don't do that.
Of course they do.
It's called "parroting.
" - (SQUAWKS) I'm so lonely.
- Nap time.
(SIGHS) She just loves to [bleep.]
with me.
John, we could have had lots of different folks live next door.
But I chose you.
Do you know why? No, but I hope it's gonna make me feel better, because I really don't want to cry in front of you.
I wanted to be your neighbor.
- You did? - Yes.
And I am sorry about the barbecue.
I should have just been honest.
But you have been coming on a little strong.
(SIGHS) "A little strong"? I've been a lunatic.
I was just so happy to get a fresh start.
I only wanted to impress you and be your friend.
That's the whole point.
We already are friends.
Dang it, now I am gonna cry.
Come on, why don't you come by the barbecue? There are still some neighbors you haven't met yet.
Thank you, Beverly.
I'd love that.
Coming through! I'm not even sure what it is, but its eyes are so wet! (DOOR SLAMS) Hey, can we talk? Look, I'm so sorry about the movie.
No, it's okay.
I wasn't as helpful with Barry because the truth is, I was scared.
Really? I know it's just Barry, but the minute you said "parent practice," I freaked out.
It came to you so easily, and everything I did seemed wrong.
Well, it may have seemed that way, but I freaked out, too.
You did? The more Barry needed us, the more I imagined what it'd really be like.
Well, I always assumed we'd make great parents, but I guess we'll never know until we get there.
BARRY: Guys! - Oh, my God, is he - Walking on his own? Come to us! One step at a time.
- You got this, bud.
- I'm scared.
We're here for you.
- Keep going! - You got this.
- I did it! - (LAUGHING) - I did it! - You sure did, champ.
- You sure did.
- We are so proud of you.
Oh, guys, you know, thank you so much for taking care of me.
You're really great at it.
All right, now, move out the way.
I'm gonna try to make it to the fridge.
Life is filled with obstacles.
Including the ones we put in front of ourselves.
Like when we try too hard, desperate for everything to be perfect, or when we don't try at all because we're afraid to fail.
But no matter what, the first steps to success are easier to take when the people you care about are right by your side.
Catch my fall - What are you doing? - Studying my nemesis.
Well, as always What? For future emergencies, I need to be able to tell which are poisonous and which are not.
You see, poison ivy is, uh Dammit! You distracted me! Don't worry, I can tell.
Just scoop them up and hand them to me.
Come on, not like that.
You got to mix 'em up first.
Really shuffle 'em good.
That makes sense.
Uhp, you got something on your face.
(SIGHS) Is it off? Nope, other side.
How 'bout now? That's perfect, my man.
(CHUCKLES) I'll go get the ointment.
BARRY: Damn it!
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