The Goldbergs s09e06 Episode Script

The Hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin

1 Back in the '80s, I loved Halloween, especially the costumes, and no one made dressing up more special than my Pops.
But this was gonna be my first Halloween without him, and things were bound to be a little different.
- The hell is this? - It's Halloween.
Traditionally, people knock on doors.
They're still doing that? Uch.
Candy's in the bowl! Don't touch any Reese's Cups.
They're mine.
Adam! Dave Kim and his brother are here! I'm clearly not Dave Kim.
And I'm definitely not his brother.
Yeah, I don't care.
What's with the hat? I'm the shy and mousy love interest, Adrian from "Rocky.
" And I'm Rocky's corner man, the gruff but loveable Mickey.
It'll be more obvious with Adam as our Rocky Balboa.
An Italian throwing punches.
There's something new.
What's this? I don't remember the Italian Stallion wearing "ThunderCats" PJs.
Sorry, guys, but I have a tiny tickle in my throat.
Do you hear that? - Not really.
- It's there, and it hurts a ton.
I thought it was just a tiny tickle.
An incredibly painful tiny tickle.
This whole thing is incredibly painful.
- I'll take some peanut butter cups.
- Only one! If all we have left are Abba-Zabas, everyone's in trouble.
So you're not coming to the Halloween dance? I should probably just stay home and heal up, but eat some candy corn for me.
Candy corn is ass.
It has a chalky and waxy texture, and don't get me started on its mouthfeel.
How dare you?! It's chewy and just a bit crumbly, and it holds its shape just enough for a good tooth sink.
- Brea, thoughts? - Not really.
As soon as you said "mouthfeel," I kind of shut down.
At least we drove over here to hear the news in person.
Perfect 98.
Gah! When did you take that? Where did you take that? Why are you lying about throat tickles? Fine.
The truth is Halloween was a special night for me and Pops.
I'm just gonna sit this one out.
No big whoop.
Of course, Schmoopie.
No whoop at all.
This is a huge [bleep.]
I've got to restore Adam's Halloween spirit.
Well, we all have our stuff.
For example, me, I'm gonna go watch a special Halloween "Night Court.
" And you, you've got to heat up this four-meat lasagna and bring it to me.
And so my mom did everything she could to get me back in the groove of my favorite holiday.
- She tried treats.
- Your favorite! Ooey-gooey chocolate chewy for my Schmooey.
She tried tricks.
Not a chance.
She even tried whatever this was.
Aah! Get it? It's like in "Psycho.
" It is psycho! The only thing psycho is how broad your shoulders have gotten.
You're my little Iron Man! Oh, God! Just use the knife already! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 27th, 1980-something, and my brother Barry was not exactly in the Halloween mood.
Enough "Monster Mash"! We get it! Monsters need to let loose, too! What's the matter, babe? You usually love Halloween.
It's the one day a year your candy habit seems reasonable.
If I want to get into the medical school of my choice, I have to bear down.
That's so inspiring.
When I'm a lawyer, I'm gonna handle all your malpractice suits.
It won't matter who you kill or disfigure, I will always be right by your side.
- Aww.
- Yeah, aww.
Come get your treat, you nasty trickster.
Can you guys do that somewhere else? Like, nowhere and never? And why would I hide it? I'd happily demonstrate my affection for Joanne on the 50-yard line of the Fiesta Bowl.
Mm, that's so hot.
The refs would totally throw a flag for illegal use of our hands and faces.
Love finds a way.
Hey, Barry, could I get my popcorn machine back? How dare you? I need it when I want to make and eat popcorn.
No, I understand why you borrowed it, but Erica and I are gonna have a Halloween movie marathon.
Blood, guts, and gore? Fun.
Nah, Geoff's not really into that, so instead, we're watching the movies of America's goofball sweetheart, Goldie Hawn.
In "Overboard," she's a rich lady who gets amnesia and ends up shacking up with Kurt Russell and his lousy kids.
On the silver screen, it's a romp, but in the real world, it's kidnapping and sexual slavery.
I want this back first thing tomorrow.
Again, it's mine.
So, what are you guys doing tonight? Barry's studying, and I don't really celebrate Halloween.
I was briefly a Wiccan, and once you dabble in the occult, tonight feels very amateur.
Well, we got the popcorn thingy, so we should rush out.
Bye, Joanne.
Big Tasty.
Big Tasty? Who's that? You know.
It's Barry's nickname.
- I do not know.
Since when? - Since forever.
I've been crushing the rap game with my mad rhymes and sick flow.
You rap? Wow.
How do you not know this about me? Maybe you just haven't done it in awhile.
You've been so focused on medical school.
It's a good thing.
Good thing? My own girlfriend doesn't know how dope I am at spitting lyrics.
Show me, show me, show me.
Give me a topic.
Literally anything.
- That pencil.
- A-one This pencil, it's filled with lead It's also got wood Did I mention the lead? W-What? What? What? I lost my magic.
We all lose things like the time.
Would you look at that? - It's - Huh.
Don't worry.
I liked it, Large Yummy.
It's Big Tasty.
While Barry feared he'd lost his hip-hop superpower, my mom was hellbent on winning back my love for Halloween.
Hey! I was kind of watching that! - Ben, I need your help.
- No thanks.
You don't even know what it is yet.
I get the sense it involves me, so Bevy, don't bother the man.
He's never participated in life in any way.
Why would he start now? Eh, let her finish so I can pretend to consider it.
Adam needs some Halloween grandpa time.
You don't have a choice.
You're doing it.
Oh, this one with the hair and the ideas.
All right, tell me where to stand.
Yay, his heart is full and ready! With that, my Halloween was back on.
- Sort of.
- Let's just get this over with.
I don't like looking like a Canadian.
Also, your cardigan isn't exactly screaming "scary.
" You want to know what's really scary? I had three UTIs this year, so hustle up.
I'm gonna have to take a tinkle soon.
And so began the worst Halloween movie ever.
How am I gonna murder in this? My face is so hot.
Won't they know the goalie did it? So he's killing the campers.
Can't say that I blame him.
Sleeping on the ground like a bunch of schnooks.
And cut! I think we got it.
Got it? I haven't stabbed any horny kids yet.
But you have killed my spirit.
- That's a wrap on Pop-Pop.
- Really? I'm here.
I'm wearing this thing that smells like your brother.
No offense, Pop-Pop, it's just It's not the same as doing it with your other grandpa.
I get it.
- I'm sorry.
- Ah, don't be.
Everybody loved that guy.
A little too smiley for my taste, but you do you.
Thank you for understanding.
Well, thanks for understanding you're gonna drive me home.
While I was saddled with giving Pop-Pop a lift, my brother was busy rounding up help to bring back Big Tasty.
What's the emergency, Barry? I was in the middle of "Private Benjamin.
" A sheltered, wealthy lady in the army? Sir, no, sir! - The emergency is Big Tasty is back! - Ha! And he's got a million-dollar idea.
After hearing "Monster Mash" over and over, it hit me.
There's no surer way to pop super-stardom than writing and performing a novelty Halloween hit.
- What? - Damn right, what? And all he needs is your help to come up with the theme, music, and lyrics.
- Isn't that everything? - No.
I had the idea for the idea.
Legally, anything that's said from here on out, I own.
- What? - I got one.
We did the bob We did the apple bob That's just "Monster Mash" with different words.
It's about apples.
Why is this something you needed immediately? Aren't you kind of focused on becoming a doctor? Why do I have to just be one thing? Can't I be Dr.
Big Tasty, MD? Sure, you can.
But I don't think you're gonna get a lot of patients.
I'll get all the patients! Even your stupid eye patients.
I'll cure their blindness with my bedside manner - and crazy syncopation.
- What? Let me clear it up for you.
I need an international smash! Topic, cobwebs.
Go! I love you, Barry, but I think you're wasting your time.
- And mine.
- Fine! But every year during this time, you'll have to explain to your kids, "I know the guy who wrote that song, but I wouldn't support him by coming up with the idea and writing it for him!" While Geoff shot down Barry's novelty-song dreams, I was heading into an All-Hallows nightmare.
Thanks for helping me lug your mother's pumpkin bread up here.
They are surprisingly hard and sharp for something supposedly made with love.
I can stick those in the wall of the john.
No leak's gonna get by those walnuts.
Welp, I look forward to the tale of how these loaves saved your bathroom at Thanksgiving.
Until then.
Whoa, whoa.
Where you going? I thought you were gonna stick around and help me shoo away those costumed moochers.
As much fun as that sounds, I think I'm just gonna head home, go to bed, and wake up when Halloween's over.
Oh, son of a bitch! Someone stole my pumpkin.
Pumpkin? You don't decorate for Halloween.
Halloween? No, I was waiting for it to ripen in this nice October air.
That was my special soup pumpkin.
- Soup pumpkin? - You're damn right.
It was a rare albino gourd.
That was weeks of soup.
What am I supposed to do about it? You're gonna help me find the bastard who took it.
Or we go to the supermarket, and I'll buy you all the weird-colored vegetables your heart desires.
And let those bastards win? No way.
We're gonna go right now.
We're Halloweening.
It was Halloween, but instead of the quiet night at home I wanted, I was having a garbage time with Pop-Pop.
I understand we're looking for a white pumpkin that will yield you months of soup, but why exactly are we wearing trash bags? We gotta blend in with costumes.
This isn't a costume.
It's a Hefty Cinch Sak.
Ooh, Cinch Sak.
Someone's mommy pays for the good stuff.
Now just ring the doorbell, ask for candy.
I'll case the house.
That's your plan? A door-to-door pumpkin search in trash bags? Look at you following along, huh? Now, you got that sock I gave you? - I threw it away.
- Threw it away? That's grocery store socks.
Now where are you gonna put the candy? Your foot was just in there! Oh, check you, Prince of Persia, too good to eat sweets from my calf-highs.
Fine! Just give me the other one, I guess.
Oh, God.
Why is it damp? - There's a cool mist in the air.
- No, there isn't! And why is it warm to the touch? It's like the towel they give you at Benihana before the meal.
Here we are.
Ding-dong we go.
Trick or treat, I guess? What are you supposed to be? The only thing that makes sense is trash.
Well, happy Halloween.
Yeah, happy for you.
Have you seen this? A poorly drawn circle? That's a pumpkin.
I don't like your sass, Zorro.
- I'm clearly a witch.
- Yeah, I bet you are.
Thank you.
When did you draw a "missing" sign for a pumpkin? Just put the Circus Peanuts in the hot sock and keep moving.
And so our painful search for the pumpkin continued.
Come on, already.
Let's knock.
Clearly, no one's home.
They left a bowl out with a sign that says, "Take one!" Oh, I guess they didn't take my pumpkin.
Nobody can be that stupid.
Look, I'm just gonna roll up this, uh, Cinch Sak, and you can dump it all in there.
And break the trickor-treater's code? No way.
Holy butt paper! Is this Halloween or Christmas? Why are you so excited about a tree full of toilet paper? That's enough Charmin to last me two weeks.
That's a remarkably short amount of time.
Will you stop squawking and start gathering? Now, shimmy up that branch and get to the top stuff.
Come on.
As my night took another crappy turn, Barry was ready to say good night to Big Tasty.
Farewell, dookie rope.
You will never gleam on my jacked neck again.
What are you doing with your mom's jewelry? Please.
She would never wear anything this small and tasteful.
I'm burying everything that was Big Tasty.
Rest in piece, Kangol hat.
You protected my head full of sick rhymes.
You can't throw away who you are.
And yet, I am.
Adios, Adidas tracksuit.
I'll never rap or occasionally exercise in you again.
W-What are you doing? That's my sad box! I'm saving Big Tasty.
- Now, look.
- "Elvira: Mistress of the Dark.
" Even in black and white, she pops off the page, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I do.
And she's appearing tonight at a mall in New Jersey.
- This is a sign.
- It is! It's like the Halloween spirits have come to save me.
To save Big Tasty.
Now, you're gonna write the best Halloween rap of all time.
She'll hear two bars and sign you to her spooky record label.
- This is the perfect plan! - I know! And we can take the train there, 'cause I'm a little bit drunk.
You just gave me an idea for the biggest hit single in Halloween history "Monster Train.
" Next stop, gold record! All we need now are lyrics, music, and someone to arrange it all.
Follow me! "Monster Train"? I am 1,000% in.
You're surprisingly enthusiastic.
May I ask why? I'm just excited to hear Elvira's reaction when you present her with your fun and quickly cobbled together song.
She's in it for the right reason! - And with that - Thank you.
Barry set out to make novelty-music history.
There was howling A-woo.
- Bigger.
More wolf-like.
- rewrites Wait, why is the witch taking the train to Transylvania? Wouldn't she just ride her broom? Good note.
We need to establish the witch lost her broom license.
- and lots of train sound effects.
- Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a Whoo! All aboard, ghouls and ghoulettes.
Everyone stop and cherish this moment, 'cause tomorrow, your simple, pathetic lives are over.
And when it was over, they had a song.
Sort of.
Remember, you have to call me after Elvira hears this.
I need to know what she says word for word.
- You're a good sister.
- Sure.
Word for word.
While Barry had a ticket for the "Monster Train," my Halloween with Pop-Pop was off the rails.
Oh-ho-ho! A tree full of two-ply.
Life doesn't get better.
I sincerely hope it does.
Oh, right, I forgot.
Boy Iacocca here wipes his tush with cotton candy.
Cotton candy? That seems like a big mess.
I just thought, instead of your nonstop whining, you might be having a good time or something.
Good time? No offense, but your hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin couldn't get any worse.
Oh, damn it! Quick, scurry under that car! Or how about we can just jump into this pay phone, - where I can call my mom?! - Aah! Oh.
Adam! Oh, thank God.
How did you know it was me? It takes only 13 minutes to get to Pop-Pop's house and back.
I have been calling and calling.
- Where were you?! - Here and there.
It's Devil's Night, Adam.
Every year, 6 million kids are abducted and slaughtered.
That seems high.
You tell that to my manicurist's manicurist's son.
She doesn't do her own nails? She doesn't do anything anymore since her son went trick-or-treating and sickos scavenged his head for parts.
They stole his eyes, nose, and teeth.
Now every year, his costume is the same human jack-o'-lantern.
But the rest of the year, he works in the way, way back at Circuit City.
So he's doing it! Murray, our baby is safe.
Call the police and tell them to cancel the APB.
I never really called in the first place.
So what are you guys doing? You know, harassing homeowners about a white pumpkin and scaling a toilet-paper tree.
A toilet-paper tree? Yeah, it's been basically the worst Halloween ever.
See ya in a bit.
So, the worst ever, huh? Oh, yeah you know what I mean.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, I do.
Well, it looks like the rain stopped, so let's get you home.
Even worse than a terrible Halloween was that I'd hurt Pop-Pop.
There was nothing I could do to fix it Wait! There it is! Or was there? Adam, wait! I don't think that's mine.
Of course it is! I'm grabbing it.
No, no.
Uh, Adam! Adam! A-Adam! What the hell?! You stealing my pumpkin, old man?! - No, no, no, no, no.
No, no! - That's for my grandpa's soup! Ow! Whoa! Ohh.
Adam! You okay? Not even a little.
As I was down for the count, Barry was counting on Elvira to make "Monster Train" a smash hit.
Hello, darlings.
Oh, my God.
You're just as spooky and beautiful as I imagined.
- Um, what can I sign for you? - A record deal.
We, of course, split the gate, and I own my likeness, Big Tasty, in perpetuity.
You'll find it quite fair, considering everything we're bringing to the table.
This is starting to be a whole thing, and, uh, there's a line going back to the Waldenbooks, so Where's your Mistress of the Dark boombox, huh? I don't have or even know what that is, so if you have a song you want me to hear, you're just gonna have to perform it.
In front of all these freaks and wack jobs? You mean my fans? What he means is, once this crowd of weirdos and hideous loners starts grooving to Big Tasty's hot track, you won't be able to say no.
I think you'd be surprised by all the things I've said no to in my life.
Jo-Jo! Drop a funky beat.
First stop, second stop, third stop, fourth In that moment, Big Tasty was back.
He'd dusted off his rhyme skills for the hottest song about a commuter train for monsters ever.
He rapped his heart out.
There was a verse about Dracula doing the Jumble and the Wolfman losing his briefcase.
Finally, his novelty-song mic drop.
The tracks wind left, the tracks wind right Chugga-chugga choo This monster train will bite! And thank you.
Oh, I knew it! One verse in, and the sultry vampiress loves it.
I do not.
What? What's wrong with it, Elvira? First off, the monster train is just a train.
With monsters! Hello? Why are they on the train? To get to their monster schools and businesses downtown.
So they live in the suburbs? Obviously.
Because the city has been overrun by a bad element.
Worse than monsters? Elvira, I can't believe you're this literal.
More like Mistress of the Nitpick.
Thank you both for being here and happy Halloween.
Okay, you can't give up.
Let's get back into line - and pretend to be other people.
- What's the point? Geoff was right.
This was just a dumb idea.
- No, it's not.
- Joanne, it's over.
I know it's silly.
I used to think I'd be so many things in life a rapper, a pro athlete, a business mogul.
- What kind of business? - I don't know, and I'm clearly never gonna find out.
They're all just stupid, childish dreams.
Big Tasty's dead.
- Barry - Stop.
You've done enough.
- I was supporting you.
- By making me look like a fool? Thanks a lot.
After his Halloween humiliation at the mall, my brother Barry drowned his troubles in an Orange Julius.
Well, if it isn't my little musical friend.
Please, I'm not in the mood.
Wait, you eat food like a real human? Are you even a Mistress of the Dark? Well, occasionally, I come into the light for a corn dog.
Everything is wrong.
I don't know who I am anymore.
It's just, I I started to feel like I was losing a part of myself, and the only person who encouraged me to be that guy again was my girlfriend.
She sounds pretty great.
She's the best, but I wasn't very nice to her.
Well, there's one thing you can do.
I'm not gonna date you to make her jealous, Elvira.
Any woman who would be supportive of you after hearing that song is worth holding on to.
You are more than the Mistress of the Dark.
You are the mistress of insights into the human heart.
Thank you, Elvira.
Thank you, odd boy in a mall.
- Bar, I'm sorry - Stop.
You've got nothing to be sorry for.
I was afraid of losing Big Tasty, and you were the only one who cared enough to make sure I didn't.
I would never let Big Tasty die.
He's a part of you.
And I promise to support all your crazy dreams, too.
Good, because I got a lot of them.
Like, way too many.
My rap name is MC Joanne Rebecca Schwartz.
- You rap? - I don't know, but I feel like I can do anything with you.
Me too.
While Barry realized that he had something more special than a Halloween hit, I was still recovering from getting hit.
Oh, no.
What happened? I just got clocked in the face with Pop-Pop's albino pumpkin.
Get over here.
Yeah, well, uh, here's the thing it wasn't my pumpkin.
I never had a pumpkin.
I made the whole thing up.
Ben, what did you do? I was just trying to give the kid a Halloween like his other grandpa used to.
So the trash bags and the going doorto-door? Eh, it was the closest I could get to tricks, treats, and whatnot.
But like you said, it was horrible.
It wasn't great.
But you tried.
Yeah, and I screwed it up.
That's what I do.
It's true, what Pops and I had was special.
But, trust me, this is a night I'll never forget.
Well, you might, after taking that whack to your noggin, but, uh, I'll remember for both of us.
Grandpa-grandson Halloween love is real.
Oh, this one, blubbering over nothing.
- It's not nothing.
- Ahh.
They did the monster mash Mama's coming in for the candy pile.
- Yeah.
- It was a graveyard smash Turns out, there's nothing like a Halloween adventure - to bring people together.
- They did the mash And it doesn't matter if you don't believe in ghosts and monsters, - as long as you believe in each other.
- Yes! Sure, no one can fill the shoes of the people we've lost You're feeling better! And your costume looks amazing! Your black eye is so authentic.
Pop-Pop helped me with it.
but then again, sometimes new people help us carry on old traditions.
First stop, second stop, third stop, fourth - Tracks run left - Especially the ones who wouldn't dare give up.
Trick or treat! Who are you supposed to be? Girls holding pillowcases? No, you have to have a costume.
I'm her and she's me.
You know, our dog walker's termite specialist had a daughter who was full of sassafras.
One Halloween, a wayward jellybean lodged in her ear canal.
She lost her hearing, her balance, then while scuba diving, she couldn't tell which way was up and started going deeper and deeper down.
The pressure crushed her bones like a soda can.
Now she works at an arcade, making change with her mouth.
- Any Smarties? - Just take one.
Happy Halloween! Ooh.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode