The Goldbergs s09e11 Episode Script

Hip-Shaking and Booty-Quaking

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, "Fame.
" Back in the '80s, this tale of artsy kids singing and dancing their way through high school delighted me, but not everyone got it.
They're all moving too much.
Aren't you swept up in their passion and devotion to the craft? I'll give you a craft plumbing.
That's where they're all gonna be in 10 years, when their knees give out and the songs don't pay the bills.
How does every conversation end in your pro-plumbing stance? Turns out, I wasn't the only one obsessed with it.
I have everything in common with these artistic children.
Oh, yeah? That last one just did a backflip off a fire hydrant.
That's for official use, moron! Us artsy types are an unpredictable bunch.
I'll give you a prediction plumber, plumber, plumber, plumber.
Shush! We share an artist's soul.
Yep, my mom had a bad case of "Fame" fever.
Look at me.
[Glasses dinging.]
Fun stuff, Mrs.
But why exactly are you drumming on my glass of Tang? She's trying to re-create the magical, rhythmic energy of the "Hot Lunch Jam" number from "Fame.
" Stop "Fame"-ing us during dinner.
Those were high school kids.
You're like 100! It's embarrassing.
ADAM: Don't resist.
We all know this rat-a-tatting is gonna end in some family hip-shaking and booty-quaking.
This reads as super crazy to me, but do your thing.
BEVERLY: Unh! There you go, Geoffrey.
Feel the throbbing pulsations with your future mother-in-law.
Geoff, don't you dare let the beat in.
It's too late.
Beat's knocking.
Sorry, babe.
Geoffy's gotta open the door! - BEVERLY: Whoo! - Gah! I truly hate this, but the sound is incomplete without my beatboxing.
- [Beatboxes.]
- ADAM: Joanne? Any interest in making sweet, sweet music with us? Uh, the wording is questionable, but I make a habit of never saying no to anything.
BEVERLY: Uh-oh! Look what I found carelessly placed in front of Erica! No, it's not going to happen.
I feel nothing.
It doesn't work on me.
- Come on.
- Fine.
- Ooh! - Whoo! [Upbeat music plays.]
Unh-unh! Bring it on down.
- [Geoff humming.]
- Whoo, yeah! Come on, Adam.
Get on Mama's shoulders.
It's time to take this to the street.
The power of the rhythm makes me believe that's a good idea.
- Hot Lunch! Whoo! - Okay.
Whoa! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was January 12th, 1980-something.
For Erica and Geoff, a typical morning at college, until my sister spotted her pal Jean Jacobs.
Jean? Hey.
Why are you wearing a party dress at 7:00 in the morning? Ooh, are you going to a Daytime Emmy watch party? Outstanding Game Show Host is a nail-biter this year.
I'm just heading home from an all-nighter.
It was awesome.
We pre-gamed at the Villanova tailgate, and then we post-gamed at this abandoned cookie factory, but that sucked, so I called my friend Alice.
She was at Sammy's with this guy she's hooking up with.
Y'all know Tater? I know tater tots, the fry's rambunctious cousin.
Don't care for their shape.
Well, our night was bananas, too.
We watched a bartender do crazy bottle tricks, and then he got into a fight with his boss, who's also a bottle juggler, and then he moved to Jamaica.
Isn't that the plot to the movie "Cocktails" starring Tom Cruise? Yeah, we rented it and ordered in Chinese.
The egg rolls were heavy, so I fell asleep and don't really know how it ends.
- Oh, he gets the girl.
- Oh, nice.
I forgot you guys are all locked down, just engaged and crap.
Well, one woman's crap is another man's mountaintop of utter bliss.
Don't oversell it, Geoff.
So we'll catch you in poli sci later? I can't.
I gotta crash.
And then I gotta figure out what I'm wearing to the Theta Beta Just Your Bra Party.
Seems like it's right there in the name.
College is the best! [Giggles.]
Bye! With that, Erica and Geoff couldn't help but wonder why their college experience felt a little different.
So, Jean Jacobs is really getting after it.
Are we getting after it? Of course.
We just got the monthly rental record at West Coast Video.
We beat out everyone, including that boy with no immune system who can't go outside.
You're right.
We're crushing college.
Wrong! Buzzer sound! Gah! How'd you get in here? Also, I didn't even bake that lasagna yet.
This is what you get for giving me a key in case of emergency.
And the emergency was, we wanted to see what was in your fridge.
I combined all your juices into one giant tropical super-juice.
It was horrible.
I dumped it out.
Geoff and I do stuff.
We went to Bookbinder's on Friday.
I heard.
Nana and Poppy said they ran into you on your way out, and they eat dinner at, like, 4:00.
Well, we were beating the rush.
Which we did, by the way.
Rush beaten.
You know what? Being engaged in college has turned you both into pathetic, do-nothing sad sacks.
Oh, come on.
There's a whole community of like-minded young, engaged people on campus.
I mean, there has to be.
For sure.
College is all about permanent and endless monogamy.
You can totally be engaged in college and still be cool, and we'll prove it with a dinner party.
It's either dinner or a party, Erica.
You can't have it both ways.
Who's coming to this shindig? You guys, and every fun-loving engaged couple around.
- [Scoffs.]
- We'll lock in a few of those firecrackers, and then you'll see how we go off.
To quote the teen who lives downstairs that I'm desperate to impress, "Booya.
" Booya indeed.
As Erica and Geoff insisted they weren't boring weirdos, Principle Ball was busy boring the faculty.
Next week is our annual Teacher-Senior-Sendoff, so why don't we just rip off the Band-Aid and do a quick rehearsal.
[Kazoo note plays.]
ALL: [Dissonantly.]
Voices ring out to thee Hail, William Penn BEVERLY: Stop it! These wonderful children have been in our care for 12 formative years! Don't you think they deserve a better send-off than some mournful dirge? Oh, botheration.
She's got something cooking.
You can tell by her tone.
Now, who knows the musical sensation "Fame"? Don't you mean "Lame"? Ha! Move over, Leonard Maltin.
I'm starting my own takedown of Hollywood's biggest misses.
You could call it "Woodburn's Burns.
" I've never liked you till this moment.
- Mm.
- Okay.
Focus! I'm talking about a big, theatrical production with singing, choreography, costumes, and me at the center of it all.
Or we could go with the dumb hymn.
It's horrible, but it's easier to sing while plastered on cooking sherry.
Maybe this should be a take aside, but I like what you're putting out there.
These are our seniors we're talking about.
Let's blow it out.
As principal, I have the final word, and our crappy hymn it is.
Thank you, Earl, for shutting down Beverly Goldberg, who pitched an idea that we all hate.
- I love your "Fame" idea.
- Really? Yes.
I'm a "Fame"-a-holic.
I've seen it 19 times.
The ticket guy at the theater thinks I'm mentally unstable.
Well, you know, they have it on VHS, John.
I was an early adopter of the Sony format Betamax.
Its retail failure was also my own.
Then why'd you double down and say my idea was terrible? Peer pressure and outie belly buttons are my greatest fears.
But you don't know how many school musicals I've sat through, silently longing to be up there under those hot lights myself.
Then, baby, they'll remember your name.
That's from the movie! [Both laugh.]
While my mom and Glascott cooked up a plan, dinner was served at Erica and Geoff's.
Who wants crostinis? - Ooh.
- Ooh.
Trip? Dawn? Some crusty bread for dipping? Well, did you know bread from the fridge goes stale six times faster than bread at room temperature? Sweet bread fact, bro.
I'll remember it next time I can't fall asleep.
After a painful search, Erica and Geoff managed to find one other engaged couple on campus, who were boring as hell.
Who knew there were so many kinds of crisper drawers? That's crazy.
It covers theft, water damage, natural disasters, bodily injuries Everything crisps.
Lettuce, zucchini, squash, potatoes Turns out, our shower head wasn't properly sealed.
It was like, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
Babe? - Erica? - Oh.
That's crazy.
- We gotta do something.
- Yeah.
Sister Erica, join me on the veranda to look at the moon? Brother Geoff, can you show me where you keep your sharpest knives? Dude, do you not see what's going on? You're failing your partner.
Wait, is Erica upset? Yes, she's realizing her future is just gonna be these stuffy-ass dinners with Drip and Yawn.
Trip and Dawn.
And, oh, my God, she is realizing that.
She used to be a party girl, but you shut the door on that part of her life when you got engaged.
You made her a snooze.
Snooze? Dad says that's the button for quitters.
I can't believe Geoff roped us into dinner with these dipwads.
No, don't blame sweet, simple Geoffrey.
If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.
- How? - Think about it.
Geoff's always been Geoff anxious, uptight, indecisive, hugely boring.
But in a lovable way.
He's the best.
But you? You used to be a badass.
A dropout rock star who scared people.
Well, then what am I now? Putting it gently? Walking, talking death.
- Hey! - Hey yourself.
You make Trip and Dawn seem like Robin Williams.
This is all very unfair.
So what do I do? You're gonna throw a rager.
The biggest party ever.
Also, side note, Dawn wants me bad.
I'm gonna go eat all the cheese.
As Erica and Geoff realized they needed a change, my mom was gonna change the teachers' minds.
[Tambourine rattling.]
'Cause nothing gets people excited for "Fame" like a "Hot Lunch Jam.
" Or, at least, that's what my mom thought.
No one else is Hot Lunch Jamming.
Trust me, if it worked on my cynical kids, it'll work on this crusty bunch.
And yet, it couldn't, despite their best attempts.
They even did this.
- Has it ever taken this long? - No.
We should be a tangle of sweaty teacher bodies by now.
I know.
Get on the table.
- I'll dramatically uncover the piano.
- Okay.
[Piano playing.]
What is going on in here? They're making me do the impossible not enjoy my cod.
Beverly, I told you we're doing the Quaker hymn.
Just give it a chance.
Damn it, John.
Tell a story with your hips! - I'm going down! - [Ball screams.]
- Ow, my leg! - MR.
WOODBURN: Oh, dang it.
Feel better, Earl.
Sorry about your dislocated leg.
Well, he's gone.
Who's in charge now? That'd be Vice Principal Davis.
But he took a leave of absence to deal with family issues.
So who's after him? I say we Thunderdome for it.
We're not all gonna fight you.
Not at once.
I'm thinking round-robin.
Well, thankfully, I have the William Penn charter shrunken down to pocket size for situations just like this.
- Oh, my.
- What's "Oh, my"? Because I'm coming around to this Thunderdome idea.
The line of succession is very clear principal, vice principal, Quaker warden.
- Is that me? - No, 'tis I.
And you know what that means? [Laughs.]
We're doing "Fame"! - No, I'm in charge.
I get to say it.
- Oh.
We're doing "Fame"! [Laughs.]
Desperate to prove to each other that they still knew how to party, Erica and Geoff got to planning.
Okay, so, what kind of sick bash should this be that we both definitely really want? So bad.
And big.
A big, bad one.
Like, with games.
Games, for sure.
Games would be one idea.
Not one that I would do.
Maybe something more college.
Right, Geoff? Right.
Something more college.
That's beer.
Yeah, like a few six-packs.
- [Grunts.]
- 10-packs? - [Grunts louder.]
- 10 six-packs.
That sounds perfect.
And a big guy.
Santa! Fun is always in season.
That's a keg.
That's what I meant.
Oh, yeah.
I was gonna say keg.
Like, one big old keg.
You'll need six kegs.
Sorry, I didn't know how to indicate that.
If I know us and our many beer-guzzling pals, that's the right amount.
[Laughs weakly.]
- Speaking of, who should we invite? - Bret Michaels.
How about a nice mix of students and faculty? Or maybe a random mix of everyone.
Get a band, too.
A loud one.
Ooh, like a jazz trio.
You know what kind of music Erica loves? - Heavy metal.
- Oh, yeah.
Big head-banger.
Studies have shown that heavy metal can be damaging to your hearing.
- Geoff.
- Which is why we have four other senses.
You do rely on your nose a lot.
I do.
I do.
My old sniffer really fills out the world.
Still feels like you've got to kick it up a notch.
Like human bowling.
And axe-chucking.
- A foam room.
- Snake racing.
- Fire-breathing.
- Boxing, both regular and foxy.
- A foam room.
- You said that already.
- I'm repeating it for emphasis.
- Oh, okay.
Those all seem perfect for the party I want.
Me, too.
I guess I'll go tidy up - and buy some axes.
- [Sighs.]
Is it possible that we got carried away? BARRY: Yeah.
Nailed it again.
As Erica and Geoff wanted to prove they were the greatest partiers alive, the faculty wouldn't be caught dead performing "Fame.
" You can't seriously expect us to get up on that stage, Beverly.
It's Acting Principal Beverly.
As such, I could easily have your history class moved to room B100.
The windowless basement? I mean, who would even direct? I've got someone with an intimate knowledge of "Fame.
" A bouncy little number composed straight out of my body.
Your maestro has arrived! The only thing I haven't done in my storied career at this school is direct a play.
Or do a single pull-up.
- Coach Mellor, chorus.
- Hmm! In just three days, you'll be asking me, "Why are they all staring?" The answer is simple "Fame.
" And that weird little cane you got, Goldberg.
- Mr.
Perott, also chorus.
- Boom! Anyone else want to test me? I think you're doing a great job, Adam.
Glascott, male lead.
Yes! I earned it with my talent.
Now get some sleep, you merry band of players, for tomorrow, you tread my stage.
But we're all here now.
Tomorrow! That's right, poopie.
Keep 'em guessing.
That's great leadership.
- And so - Ow.
I embraced the role of director.
Perhaps too much.
You are nothing.
But you are in luck, because I am an overflowing fountain ready to spill forth my skills upon you.
Yes! My baby's losing his mind in service of my vision.
We must walk before we run.
Actor's calisthenics! Stretch.
Yeah, I worked those teachers to the bone.
No, it's more like this! I loved every second of it.
[Guitar and drums playing.]
You're sitting together, but you're miles apart.
[Cymbal crashes.]
Again! Oh, passé, Glascott.
Passé! No, no, no, no, no, no! Jazz hands! You dance like no one is watching.
'Cause no one can watch! The rehearsals got pretty brutal.
Again! - But soon - Okay, we can do this.
my teachers started to find their voice.
"Fame" was actually coming together.
- Yes! - What's this incredible high I'm feeling? It's "Fame"! Yes! I didn't hate it.
[All cheering.]
We have to stay friends after this! Yes! As the Senior-Sendoff came together, my sister's party was popping off.
Sweet party.
D-Definitely an accurate number of kegs in our modest living space.
And I like how our kitchen is a mosh pit now.
- For sure.
- Very college.
And I saw the guys from Theta Beta hucking our throw pillows out the window.
I never should have told them what they were called.
This is nuts! A guy's got a whole merch table set up, and I must be kinda drunk, because I bought this hideous shirt.
That's mine, but totally cool.
The way I party, I have no use for them anymore.
- [Laughs.]
- Ooh.
Yep, neither Geoff nor Erica - were gonna put a stop to this - Cheers.
so the insane game of chicken only got worse.
Okay, uh Seems like a good fight.
I'm gonna go this way.
- 'Scuse me.
- MAN: Aah! Even though it was an awesome hang, not everyone was loving it.
[Rock music playing.]
What are you doing out here? Oh, I thought somebody should pick these up.
They were an engagement gift from the Pasternaks.
Josh and Melinda are so thoughtful.
I kind of needed a minute, too.
But you wanted this party.
Me? I thought you did.
Are you kidding? The lacrosse team's doing kamikazes off my cello and calling it "cello shots.
" It's extremely clever, but also destructive.
I thought you needed me to be the loose cannon to balance you out.
I thought it killed you that Jean Jacobs and Tater and everyone else are doing college right and we're just engaged and boring.
I thought it kills you that the fun girl that you chased forever is a completely different person now.
- What? - I don't know.
I don't know, either.
All I know is, this night can't get any worse.
Tater was right.
It didn't bounce at all.
While Erica and Geoff's bash got way out of control, the teachers couldn't control their excitement to show off their hard work and perform "Fame.
" Happy opening night, Mama.
Squishy! You shouldn't have! Oh, [chuckles.]
these are for me.
One of the cast knows how to treat their director.
Never stop playing the game.
I heard there's already a line to get in.
See? Tonight's gonna go down in school history.
Harrowing news, everyone.
I was minding my business in the east hallway washroom, and I overheard a sinister plot.
The seniors are going to, quote, "rag on those goofy teachers until they cry.
" - No way.
- Yes, way.
Brian Corbett and Brian Walls are gonna tear us apart.
The Brians? So popular and catty.
Oh, and it wasn't just them.
There was a stream of pupils entering and exiting, each one more mocking than the next.
Jason B.
, Xavier M.
, Rodney R.
, Jason B.
All of those people came in and out while you were in the bathroom? Yes.
We are lambs for the slaughter.
I'm just concerned about how long you were in the bathroom.
You went before we even broke for lunch.
I thought he left for the day.
We all have our own ways of managing pre-show jitters.
I hope you at least brought a book.
Focus, people.
We're in real trouble here.
We can't sing or dance, and look at these form-fitting costumes.
Way ahead of you.
- He's right.
- I look like a pastry bag.
What if a Brian thinks I'm lame? - I'm outie.
- Me, too.
So that's it? I'm sorry I wanted to send these kids off with something memorable that shows how much their faculty really cares about them.
Bullet dodged.
Or maybe my mom is right.
Sure, some Brians would have laughed a little, but it would have meant a lot to the rest of the seniors to see you guys celebrate their time here.
I know because I'm one of them.
Well, I'm still gonna get topless.
Helen, we were never doing that part of the movie.
What movie? After forcing the faculty into "Fame" and failing, my mom's dream for an epic Teacher-Senior-Sendoff was dead.
Well, I hope you're ready for a joyless Quaker hymn.
This one was written 200 years ago - to thank God for a bountiful harvest.
- [Car horns honking.]
So just close your eyes and imagine that wheat.
I know you're upset about the whole teacher goodbye thing.
Damn it, why is Woodburn blocking the drop-off line? This day's never gonna start.
Hold on.
They're putting speakers on top of the car like that scene in "Fame"! You know what, Beverly? You were right.
These seniors deserve the greatest show of their lives.
So we're gonna embarrass the hell out of ourselves.
Hit it! ["Fame" playing.]
And they really were.
This is the magical moment I've always wanted.
We're doing "Fame"! Fame I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna learn how to fly High Check it.
The teachers are "Fame"-ing in the parking lot.
My mind says "mock them," but my body says "join them.
" ADULT ADAM: That day, the seniors got the most memorable sendoff we ever could have imagined.
Darn it! I know I said no to "Fame," but even my broken body is feeling the rhythm.
Forever Baby, remember my name Remember, remember, remember, remember ADULT ADAM: With my mom's help, a new tradition was born, but, then again, shaking things up doesn't always work out the way you wanted.
Well, it's official.
Everything is either missing or broken.
For sure.
And also, why are there sheets on our bed that aren't ours? So much destruction.
So much mystery.
Look, about what I said Sometimes I do wonder if I'm missing out.
And sometimes I worry that it's because of me.
No way.
I love you, and I love what we have.
But you were, like, this rock star living a super-fun life.
- Don't you miss that? - Are you kidding me? If anything, I'd say you're the rock star.
Yeah, I don't see that.
Geoff, you proposed to me in college.
That's badass, dude.
I guess we are blazing our own trail, huh? Totally.
And if we want to have more fun, it doesn't have to involve furniture flying out windows.
We could, like Get some beers, do karaoke with our friends? - I'd love that.
- Me, too.
Wait, but what about this mess? We're college kids.
We'll worry about it tomorrow.
Sometimes the choices we make in our lives feel scary.
Fame I'm gonna live forever ADULT ADAM: But when we treat the people we love with honesty and kindness, - that's when you find the rhythm.
- I feel it coming together ADULT ADAM: 'Cause in the end, we don't have to live forever to make the most of the lives we got.
I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna learn how to fly High I feel it coming together - People will see me and cry - Pray And the line of succession is officially amended.
Amended to what, exactly? It goes principal, VP, secretary of admissions, the district's athletic director, our food services driver, every member of our custodial staff, the crossing guard with one arm, bus driver Tim, and the valedictorian from grade eight.
This all seems like a lot to keep me from being in charge again.
And yet, it's just the right amount.

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