The Goldbergs s09e10 Episode Script

You Only Die Once, or Twice, But Never Three Times

1 Back in the '80s, my brother, Barry, loved imitating his heroes.
From whip-wielding adventurers on-screen to python-flexing champions of the ring, he couldn't help but see himself in their action-packed exploits.
But there was one suave super-spy who topped them all.
James Bond.
That's how he introduces himself.
I love how even after almost being murdered, he's wildly flirty.
"Welcome, sir, I'm Jenny Flex.
" Her name is kinda suggestive.
Yeah, good stuff.
You guys said you'd eat some popcorn if I got the big tub.
And now my delicate tummy is upset with all of you.
We told you not to get it.
It's only 50 cents more for the rodeo barrel.
Adam hasn't praised the movie yet.
Why aren't you still clapping and/or demanding to see it again? Yeah, it was neat.
"Neat" is something you say after uncomfortably watching your little brother's performance in "The King and I.
" How dare you? One critic said my performance was so inappropriate - he couldn't look away.
- Just say you loved it so I can stop being scared of his furrowed brow.
Look, the fight on the Eiffel Tower was fun, but what villain uses a blimp? I think we can all agree it's a bad choice for a getaway vehicle.
Blimp technology is in its infancy.
We don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Hopefully an end to this conversation.
Well, I spent the whole time lost in dreamboat Roger Moore's blue eyes.
He got my Aston Martin a-revvin'.
What? The only plot hole was there weren't more women jumping his British bones.
But he was so old.
Like over 50.
Maybe you didn't notice, but he took a lot of elevators in this one.
Whatever Grandpa Bond's doing, it's working.
Double oh, yeah.
Brea, how about you? You hot for the spy guy? Mm, I prefer a softer man who plays it safe.
Ouch, but also whoo-hoo! Could Roger Moore do this? Secret agent kick! My bucket! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was January 5th, 1980-something, and just like she did at home, my mom was stopping by the store to clean up after my dad.
Damn it, Mike.
You scared me.
My night face has been described as both waxy and ashy.
Two words that seem to fight each other, - but what are you gonna do? - Why are you here? I'm just working late and fighting gingivitis.
- Are you living here? - Fine.
I am temporarily enjoying the perks of owning 30 mattresses because Fran and I are separating.
Oh, my God.
But you're both so young and vital.
Vital? You kidding? Five years ago, my doctor started saying, "Eh, it is what it is.
" What happened? And I'm not just curious for gossip purposes.
I don't know.
I guess Fran just got sick of my general way.
That does have a ring of truth to it.
Yeah, but it's not all bad.
I mean, I got top-of-the-line sleepers as far as the eye can see.
The commute is easy.
And, I mean, what more can a man ask for? Love? Companionship? Connection? Ooh, ramen night again.
Gotta tell ya, Bev, the Japanese have really mastered the fine art of microwave soup.
Arigato, my Far Eastern friends.
Damn it, Mike.
Ditch the cardboard mush.
You're coming home with me for a home-cooked meal.
Hey, there's my work buddy.
W-What's this one doing here? Murray, that is no way to greet a guest.
Guest? Like I don't see this guy enough between 10:00 and 3:00? Those are your hours? How do you support us? Did you know he's been sleeping at the store? He mentioned it.
Something about his life falling apart.
Do you even listen to people when they talk? Fine, I'll ask.
What's your deal, Pajama Jim? Fran and I are taking a little time apart.
- And now I know.
- Okay, can you guys take your super strong friendship somewhere else? I'm trying to write my vows here.
Vows? For what? My wedding? Wow, you guys really don't talk.
And that's why we're the fourth-highest-grossing discount furniture store in the township.
That doesn't seem great.
I'll tell you what's not great marriage.
Here's a little notion for your vows love is a sham.
Ignore him.
What have you got so far, schmoopy-poo? "Dear Geoff.
'G' is for 'good.
' 'E' is for 'even better.
' 'O' is for 'oh, dang, that's my fella.
'" - I'm gonna stop you.
- I'm gonna let you.
Got a little something for your poem.
I buy Fran a beach house in the hopes that I might buy myself some moments of silence.
But no.
The only thing busier than her mouth are my credit cards.
I'm gonna go sit in a closet where his sad, dead love can't get me.
Hey, can I use the john? I haven't showered in days.
I think I smell of Entenmann's and sadness.
The only door that doesn't lock.
Damn it, Murray.
You can't just let their marriage end like this.
Oh, I can.
But more importantly, so can you.
Too late.
I will repair their broken marriage and prove to Erica that true love is forever.
Is this what it feels like when I don't listen? Because I'm okay with that.
Hey, I got all naked.
I couldn't find the towels.
Is that our bedspread? Eh, it's somebody's.
I have a lot of work ahead of me.
While my mom was determined to save Mike's marriage, Barry wanted me to help celebrate his relationship.
Dang it.
One piece is missing.
Uh, we get the gist.
It's the green guy from "Ghostbusters.
" That's Slimer.
He's pure ectoplasm, and he's not just a mascot, he's a friend.
You know, sometimes it's okay to just say, "That's right, Brea.
" - You're done with this.
- No! - Hey, it's your brother.
- Enough small talk.
I have an emergency announcement.
Joanne and I have been dating for a few months, and I finally found her the perfect gift.
The gift of me.
Barry Bond.
Nephew of James Bond and worldly gentleman super-spy and insatiable and acrobatic lover.
But those words don't describe you.
If anything, you're the opposite of James Bond.
And you're the opposite of the opposite of James Bond.
So James Bond? Look, I'm not here to discuss how confusing opposites can get, Dave Kim.
I'm here to make great art.
I'll bite.
What are you gonna force us to do? The title is "You Only Die Once or Twice, but Never Three Times"? Your parts are highlighted.
Brea, you are the femme fatale.
Why am I wearing a bikini in the Swiss Alps? I justify it on page seven.
You were born in a Russian genetics lab and you're half polar bear from your father's side.
I'm Q and Moneypenny? So much range.
Explosive gadgets and secretarial work.
And I die in the first scene by being filled with lead then pulled apart by giant magnets? It's gruesome, but necessary so I can avenge your idiotic death.
This is lazy writing.
I refuse to change a single word.
Why is everyone mischievous? The mischievous manservant.
The mischievous baccarat dealer.
The mischievous baby? It heightens the tension, Dave Kim.
Despite this not fitting in with my usual light-hearted cinematic tastes, I have always wanted to dabble in the spy genre, - so we're in.
- We are? I'm part polar bear, Adam.
But only if I handle the rewrite.
While my brother was determined to be the best Bond ever, my mom was intent on fixing Mike's marriage.
Hello, Murray Goldberg.
Get out of the papasan.
I most certainly will not get out of the papasan.
I love the papasan.
It is my papa-sanctuary.
Do not get involved in Mike's marriage.
I have a plan.
See, the way to drive Mike back into Franny's arms is to show him what he's been missing.
And how are you gonna do that? By getting him to date a woman far worse than Fran.
Beverly, why did you ask to meet me in this off-season haunted house? This is my husband's place of business.
Remind me what he does for work again besides having to tell you that he loves you.
Save that gold.
Oh, Mike, you have a customer.
Hello, miss, may I help you find something? Is there a door closer than that one to leave this godforsaken place? Mike, this is Jane.
Jane, Mike.
- How do you - Don't touch me with that hand.
You look like a man who scratches everywhere.
Bevy, your friend is very mean and very attractive.
Hm, well, I don't see it, but let's pretend yes.
Um, you know, Mike has recently become single.
Are you trying to set us up? Have you seen me? I have the body of a swimmer.
He has the body of someone they'd find face-down in a river.
I'm mesmerized.
I have an idea.
Why don't the two of you go and discuss all of the things you don't have in common at China Garden.
But only because you think you're some great matchmaker.
I'll prove you wrong.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Shall we make some mistakes? And so, it looked like my mom's plan to drive Mike back into his wife's arms was gonna be a success.
Until it wasn't.
It was great! - There's my steady beau.
- What? I hate to admit it, Beverly, but you did it.
Well, don't you have some qualms? Oh, all of them.
But despite his unappealing nature and shape, he made it quite clear of his enormous wealth, so whee! Oh, my.
What a unique pairing.
Stick this in your vows Don't marry the first dummy that comes along.
Wait for the second dummy who's smoking hot.
And make sure the dummy's ridiculously loaded.
All right, I'm so happy for you.
She wasn't.
Meanwhile, Barry had finished his movie and was ready to show Joanne how good of a Bond he could be.
You are gonna love this surprise.
Ooh, I'm so excited.
But why didn't you just blindfold me with a necktie? I don't own one.
But I do own two pirate's eyepatches.
Ta-da! We're gonna watch a movie? Oh, not just any movie.
One made especially for you.
And it was gonna be epic.
This summer, get ready for Bond, Barry Bond 0014.
'Cause that's twice as good as seven.
Time to die, Mr.
The time to die is yours.
It has it all action.
Underwater stuff.
And, of course, the man himself.
Saving the world is easy.
What's hard is looking this good doing it.
Coming this summer and every summer after.
But her response not what he expected.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for this.
It was the perfect gift.
Ooh, underwater stuff.
- Yeah, underwater stuff.
- Ahh! I should go freshen up.
I peed myself a little.
It had been a day since Joanne's underwhelming reaction to Barry's Bond movie.
There's my Care Bear.
Who's excited to go mini-golf? You can be your favorite red ball.
Eh, I'm not really in the mood for tiny versions of anything.
Well, I'm a tiny version, and you like me.
For sure.
I'mma go take a nap in my childhood bedroom where I feel safe.
Even though the samurai sword above my bed would suggest otherwise.
Gee, I wonder if he's upset.
I may know what's going on.
I didn't exactly respond to his Bond movie - the way that he'd hoped.
- And how did you respond? I laughed and laughed.
And then laughed some more.
Why would you do that? I thought that it was a joke.
He wrestled a rubber snake.
For nine minutes.
For some reason, he demanded final cut.
Still, it's well established Barry's a tad sensitive.
A tad? I coughed while he was talking, and he accused me of trying to ruin his story about meeting a turtle.
Insanely sensitive.
But how could he not be? On one hand, our dad constantly calls him a moron.
On the other, our mom endlessly showers him with undeserved praise.
It's not a parenting success story.
But he will get over it, right? I dunno.
One time at the mall, he lost a game of peek-a-boo to a baby, and I had to physically separate them.
Sounds like he can't really handle anything.
You're a quick study, Joanne.
But I can give you a few tricks that I use to calm our combustible little buddy.
We'll begin with the three P's.
First up praise.
So I just say nice things to him? - I do that already.
- No.
This is the kind of praise that isn't applicable to any human.
If it doesn't feel like you're worshiping a living god, you're doing it wrong.
Stroke the bear.
There's gotta be so many better ways to say that.
Next up, power.
Of course.
I have it all, and he wants it.
Not at all.
Power as in athletic prowess on the sports field.
So just let him win at sports? Well, it goes against my dominant nature, but okay.
For the third and final "P" Pan-fried trout? No, it's pan-fried chicken.
Oh, wait, is the "P" silent? Is it Pterodactyl? You don't have to guess.
You just have to publicly humiliate yourself.
You lower yourself to make him feel higher.
For the record, I don't think any woman should ever debase herself to make a man feel better.
Well, that's why you don't have a boyfriend.
She took the chalkboard.
While Joanne hoped to help Barry save face, my mom's plan to fix Mike's marriage had blown up in hers.
You will never guess who I just saw during my power walk/power sit and eat Sbarro at the mall.
- Tip O'Neill? - No.
- Mr.
Belvedere? - TV character.
- Quick Draw McGraw? - Cartoon.
- Waldenbooks? - That is a store.
It was Formica Mike and Jane Bales.
He was sitting on her lap.
I don't follow.
And I'm not asking for a clarification.
I just refuse to follow.
He needs to dump her and go back to his wife.
Have you ever thought for a second that it's a good thing that Mike and Fran split? Have you ever thought for a second that you don't know what the [bleep.]
you're talking about? Fran's a lot.
Why? Because she's a strong, confident woman who speaks her mind? You've seen it, too.
How dare you? How could you take my Mikey and set him up with another woman? I don't understand.
He said you kicked him out.
Of course I did.
That's our thing.
Especially now that the kids are out of the house and the seams have been revealed.
We're hot, then we're cold, then we're sweaty and disgusting.
It's called marriage.
I was just trying to push him back to you.
By dangling Bo Derek in front of him? She's awful.
Men don't care about awful.
I'm awful.
You need to fix this.
We may have hit a rut, but he's my forever baby.
There may be a way for me to undo all of this.
We are gonna put you on the arm of a beautiful man.
And make Mikey jealous, nice.
Say hello to physical educationalist Coach Nick.
A circus strong man? I don't know.
He's not really my type.
Well, it's not about your type.
It's about who is gonna be the most threatening to Mike.
He does fill out those tiny shorts.
Those would be full-blown pants on a regular man.
One glance at Coach Nick's beefy arms will send Mike running straight back into yours.
I love this plan.
As my mom was fixing up another unlikely couple, Joanne was trying to fix her relationship with Barry, starting with praise.
Look at my buff, beautiful boy.
Did someone replace my shirt with a snugger version? Pfft.
I wouldn't know, but you are the smartest person God made.
Well, it doesn't matter if I can't punch and kick.
But praise didn't seem to work, so it was time for the second "P" power.
Bet you can't score on me.
Effortless challenge accepted.
Ah! Ah! Oh, boom shakalaka.
You are clearly an NBA All-Star.
These aren't regulation nets.
There's a nine-year-old over there windmill jamming.
And he has newer Jordans than mine.
And when that didn't work, Joanne had to resort to the final "P" public humiliation.
Whoa! Well, this is embarrassing.
But also hilarious.
Now you can laugh at me and recognize that sometimes things in life are funny.
I don't see why it's funny to waste all that Hawaiian Punch.
Island people worked hard to squeeze tropical sunshine into every drop.
Seriously, Barry? Come on.
You come on.
Why did you laugh at me as James Bond? Because it was hysterical.
But I was equal parts dangerous and sexy.
You weren't, okay? I love you so much that I bent over backwards to make you feel better.
So maybe the problem isn't that I laughed but that you're too insecure to laugh at yourself.
While Joanne had hit her breaking point with Barry, my mom was still hoping she could get Mike and Fran to come together.
Beverly, this puff is heavenly.
What's in it? Oh, just butter, lard, oil, flour, cheese, bacon, more cheese, and beef drippin's.
Beef drippin's? That's what Mama used to feed me as a baby.
It's dark out, there are people in my house, and I don't like it.
It's called a mingle party, Murray.
So mingle.
And do I really need to be here for your little lesson on the sanctity of marriage? Yes.
You're gonna witness firsthand how love always wins.
Can love win in the basement with the TV on? Bev, we need to talk.
Look, I know giant Coach Nick is not your type and shorts with a blazer are not au courant, but you got to trust me.
Mike is gonna come crawling back in no time.
Forget dumb Mike.
I think it's love with this Nick fella.
He wants to take me places.
It's to run stairs at the stadium, but he's so intense and demanding, I think I want to please him.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, tell me you're planning on fighting Coach Nick to get your wife back.
Why would I do that? Look at that guy.
He's a brick wall with eyes.
And I'll tell you something I'm relieved.
Because for a minute there, I felt bad about liking this horrible, gorgeous woman.
Oh, I made him sell his dog.
In fact, I would like to propose a toast.
To Beverly.
She saw our broken home and easily found it new love.
- Mm.
- Marriage is like musical chairs.
They play the music until you find the right chair.
And Jane is my chair.
Oh, we'll see who's gonna be whose chair.
Well, I'm happy for all of you.
Hey, what's going on? Honestly, I don't know.
I thought marriage was supposed to last forever.
Aw, come on.
Erica knows better than that.
I'm not worried about Erica.
I'm worried about us.
Us? Mike's lazy, Fran nags.
She speaks her mind, he's a pill.
Their kids go off to college, and immediately they grow apart.
I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but are we that different? Bevy, that's ridiculous.
Is it? They thought the same thing once, too.
After his most recent interaction with Joanne, Barry was left with a burning question.
JTP and Adam.
- JTP! - And Adam, I guess.
Joanne has brought something to my attention that has shaken me to my rock-hard core.
Be honest.
Would you describe me as sensitive? I would describe you as handsome and powerful.
Wanna tackle me? Tackle me, too, Big Tasty.
Always down for a Barry tackle.
Damn it, it's true.
You're all just triple "P"-ing me.
I saw the chalkboard.
Aw, why did Joanne take it with her? My closest friends and family don't even feel comfortable being honest with me? Bar, it's just you feel so deeply.
Plus, you're unstable, irrational, volatile, and oh, no, what have I done? See, we live in constant fear of how you'll react to even the smallest criticism.
You're actually ripping up my history paper as we speak.
I can be a bit brash at times, and you've all just been okay with this? It's been a difficult two decades.
I have something called trauma dandruff.
But we care about you and want to protect you.
Even though sometimes it's at our own expense.
We aren't honest with you because it's easier.
But what Joanne did, telling you the truth, laughing in the face of a wild-card lunatic that took guts.
But from now on, I'd rather have a little dose of honesty from you guys too.
- Nope.
- Our system works.
- If it ain't broke.
- I'm going to college soon.
I was hoping you'd be here.
It really didn't seem that way the past few days.
I was jealous of your relationship with James Bond.
A fictional character, but go on.
It also seems I'm deeply insecure.
And even though it hurts, the good thing is I know you'll always tell me the truth.
Like if it was between you and 007, I'd pick you every time.
Really? Really.
Why, Mr.
Goldberg, can I fix you something? Coffee, tea me? Get over here.
Well, I just finished my vows.
Want to take a look? Did you mention that marriage is nothing but a silly farce until you die? Just read.
"I can't wait to be your partner for life, your best friend, the person you grow old with.
Some people say marriage is hard, but I know it won't be for me because I'll be married to you.
" Erica, this is so beautiful.
It's because Dad helped me.
You helped her with this? Eh, the girl transcribed some grunts.
So you're never gonna leave me? Bevy, we're not like those other people.
You are my everything.
Just don't make a big deal out of it.
I'm your everything! Sometimes love isn't perfect.
When you're with the right person, you learn to love them not despite their flaws, but because of them.
Okay, despite my better judgment, we're doing a sequel.
All right, where's my Bond girl? She's sitting this one out for obvious reasons.
But I did find you a new Bond girl that I think you'll have a real connection with.
What? Who? Why, Mr.
Bond, you look surprised to see me.
Introducing Mommy Galore.
I'm a moon scientist.
I am not gonna wrestle on the rim of a volcano with her.
But I have a license to snuggy.
Here she goes.
He loves them.
She really is the greatest villain of all time.
Stop, stop.
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