The Goldbergs s09e17 Episode Script

The Strangest Affair of All Time

Back in the '80s, the show "Dynasty" was the best.
It had crazy wealth, shoulder pads, and endless lady fights.
And no one loved it more than my mom.
Everyone, shut up! We were sitting quietly.
But now you're talking.
Anticipate my irrational anxiety, Adam.
It's "Dynasty" night! I'll always be noiseless for you, Mama.
Thank you, Barry.
And, tonight, you are my favorite.
Damn it! Who the hell is interrupting "Dynasty" night?! Ha ha! Hello, Beverly.
Hope I made it in time for kickoff.
Kickoff? Oh, Murray's off touring a suede factory in Tucson.
So I guess, "You'll get to go to Tucson next time, Vic," means the time after that.
Boys, catch Vic up on "Dynasty" in the next 30 seconds.
Buckle up! Low-born nobody Krystle marries silver fox oil baron Blake Carrington.
Nick blames Blake for his brother's suicide in an Iraqi prison, but, really, he just wants to seduce his daughter.
Turns out, Fallon is alive, but she has amnesia! She goes by Randall Adams now.
Blake and Nick fight on a mountain, Blake falls off a pony, and totally dies.
Cecil and Alexis are all - Oh! - But then he has a heart attack, and he's all, "Ohh!" Turns out, Liam is alive, but he has amnesia! - Krystle and Alexis fight - Krystle and Alexis fight - before the Black and White Ball.
- on a mountain.
- Krystle and Alexis fight in a mudslide.
- Krystle and Alexis fight in a parlor.
And then they find out they're all cousins.
- Cousins? - It's starting! A window into my palatial life is starting! Ooh! Ohh! Lack of preamble! They start the show with a slap?! Oh, the appeal is evident.
Classic TV slap.
See how she uses her downstage hand? Totally fakes the untrained eye.
We'll show ya.
How dare you steal my yacht?! He's delightfully added context to the violence! You're sleeping with my chauffeur?! Nice! We're playing slapsies? I want in on this.
No, no, no, no! - Wrong hand! - Oh! It was March 23rd, 1980-something, and with college on the horizon, it was time to fill out my roommate questionnaire - for NYU.
- "Do you consider yourself shy, fairly shy, neutral, fairly outgoing, or outgoing?" Good ol' neutral.
Okay, I'm just here to do laundry.
Can you do whatever this is on the driveway? I'm trying to match with my perfect roommate, and it's impossible.
I mean, look at this question "How comfortable are you with nudity?" You'll write in "very.
" Are you holding a kielbasa in your bare hand? Lucky for you, I was peckish for this Polish delight.
An improperly filled out roommate questionnaire can ruin the rest of your life.
The sausage dummy's right for once.
You fill that out wrong, and you might wind up living - with someone like you.
- Isn't that the goal? If you want to bunk up with a social reject.
We love you, but you suck, bro.
Then what am I supposed to do? Make yourself look cool.
For example, smoking - You check yes and no.
- That's just confusing.
Confusion equals uncertainty, which equals mystery, - which equals cool.
- Huge news! Carrie Fisher said yes to your prom-posal and now you have to find a Han Solo-themed tuxedo? Better! As you know, I've been struggling to decide between my 11 college acceptances.
Bragging is a form of bullying.
But after taking into account who I could be going to college with Don't tease me, Dave Kim! I'm going to NYU, baby! Yeah! Beep-dop-ming-bzzrt-unum-oomray.
Ha ha! Yeah! What the hell am I looking at? We developed our own private language based on the sounds of R2-D2 and Latin.
Both classical and pig.
We call it Artootin.
Good God, man.
Ah! To celebrate, I'm gonna treat myself to a new turtleneck in NYU violet.
To the Sears boys' section! Wow.
- That all worked out.
- Traitor! - Traitor? - After all the effort we put into helping you the last two minutes? Wha This is a good thing.
I mean, after Brea couldn't join me at NYU, I thought I was gonna be alone.
But now I have my rock! Dave Kim is a rock a rock that will weigh you down socially.
We're in college.
We know how this works.
Live with Dave Kim, and you two will dweeb yourselves into a dorky black hole from which you will never escape.
We do get a little lost in each other sometimes.
I'm so glad you said that.
Now repeat it back to yourself and hear how strange it sounds.
We do get a little lost in each other sometimes.
- Oh, balls! - Mm.
I guess if we had other roommates, we could meet more people.
There ya go! Tell him that.
And we can introduce our new friends to each other? You won't, because you'll be ditching him, but that's another lie he might believe.
I don't know.
We do.
We'll send this form in and make a list of everything that's wrong with Dave Kim.
You don't need to do that.
It's already done up here.
As my siblings were trying to get me to lose Dave Kim, my mom was searching for something - my dad lost at the store.
- There she is! What nosy business are you up to? I'm looking for our TV remote.
Murray instinctively carries it with him everywhere.
Oh, bingo! But the remote wasn't all she found.
The [bleep.]
is that? Oh, that's our well-respected coffee corner.
We have over two flavors.
I am familiar with the coffee corner.
What I'm not familiar with are those hideous mugs.
What happened to the paper cups? Jane thought that those were, uh Oh, how did she put it? Um, "a bag of ass.
" Jane? Jane Bales? Yeah, Janey has tons of ideas, which I'm happy to indulge because she's got the bod of a department-store mannequin.
There's my king! Oh, it's so decent of you to consort with the sick and the wretched.
Did the other witches forget to tell you where the coven was meeting again? Fun stuff.
Here I go.
Jane, what the hell do you think you're doing with those mugs? Uh, I'm just classing up the joint.
I mean, God knows this store needs it.
This store is just fine.
This place makes your home look like Buckingham Palace.
Buckingham Palace is in England, and I'm just telling you because I think you're provincial and dumb.
The only thing dumb is you thinking that you have any say in what goes on around here.
I'm seeing the Formica King.
Doesn't that make me the Formica Queen? How dare you? The Ottoman Empire was started by my father.
- If anyone's queen, it's me.
- Says you.
Ta! Ooooh! This is just like season three, episode seven of "Dynasty"! You see it, too! After spending too many waking hours with the Carringtons, I can see that Jane Bales is making a power play of spectacular proportions.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Ooh, my life really is just like "Dynasty"! They have class and wealth you'll never know, but y-you are having a minor skirmish with another lady.
As my mom vowed to defend her empire, it was time for me to hit Dave Kim with some bad news.
Yo, yo! DK in the place to be! I was thinking, you know what would be way cooler than us living together? - Not living together.
- What? Clearly, we both agree that being roommates would be ideal.
But then again, not being roommates even more ideal! Where is this coming from? Me.
I know who did this.
What the actual [bleep.]
?! - Whoa! - Eddie Murphy words! You guys convinced your brother not to live with me next year.
We have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Dave Kim.
I think that you should examine the possibility that Adam despises you.
No, no, no, no.
It's just a personal whim.
A "personal whim," you say? So this carelessly-placed chalkboard wouldn't happen to include a detailed list that led Adam to his ill-fated decision? Merely a simple chalkboard for playing Hangman and other games I can't think of right now.
Whoa! That thing flips? I've been turning it longwise.
"Reasons Not To Live With DK.
" Unbelievable! Well, you don't know.
"DK" could stand for Donna Karan.
- Or Donkey Kong.
- Turtlenecks! Bowl cut! My profound sleep apnea?! Only you and Dave Kim's mom know about that! So we're trying to help our little brother not be a social disaster before he even starts college.
It's not personal.
You're gonna go there? Because you're just a married lady who can't sing.
Drop out of another school, why don't you?! Because your best years are behind you! - Whoa! - Ha! He got you bad.
And you.
With your stupid fingers and gross shirts and fake bravado masking colossal insecurity.
You're a buffoon who can't rap, runs weird, and no one likes you! What are these words?! Let's just take a beat.
You're the worst of all.
'Cause you listened to them.
What'd he say? Horrible, horrible things.
As Dave Kim swore off our friendship, my mom swore to protect the Ottoman Empire from Jane Bales.
Murray Goldberg's room, please.
Well, I don't care if he put on the Do Not Disturb.
I have important dynastic business.
Oh, that doesn't meet your threshold for an emergency? Well, how about this? Screw you, Alan from Marriott! Beverly, hi.
- It's me.
- Oh.
Finally, a face with the lines of wisdom.
Jane Bales is trying to stage a coup of the Ottoman Empire! We're both having dramatic days.
I thought I misplaced my keys, but Charles took the wagon out for a surprise wash.
- Thank you for that humdrum tale of drivel.
- Yeah.
It puts in stark contrast how big my problems are.
Well, I actually just came over here to thank you for your very generous contribution to my children's literacy charity.
That sounds way wrong.
I was surprised, too.
Yeah, but, no, it's right there "Donation by the King and Queen of the Ottoman Empire.
" Jane Bales.
Uh, the gala is this weekend.
Oh, I'll be there.
Jane Bales had gone too far, and my mom wasn't about to take it lying down.
That beauty can go right in the front, Victor.
What the hell is this? Hello, Beverly.
I'm sprucing things up a bit.
This is called a divan.
All the Parisian boudoirs are resplendent with them.
Are you choosing sides, Vic? I'm merely exploring every contingency in case there's an unexpected winner in your battle with this wiry and determined dragon-lady.
Vic, look in my eyes and know that the terror you see is real.
Now get that thing out of my store! Vic, don't touch a thing! The incredibly tasteful divan stays.
Vic, we sell affordable sofas, not overstuffed fainting couches plopped on by dehydrated shrews in pantsuits! - Vic, no! - Vic, yes! Aah! I can't do this anymore! I'm supposed to be in Tucson, damn it! I'm gonna go have a little talk with Mike - and clear this whole thing up.
- Okay.
You go do that, Beverly.
Just know, I can give him one thing that you never can.
- Please don't say "this body.
" - This body.
Mike, we need to talk about Jane and all the changes she's making.
I'm sorry.
I know it's a lot, but what can I say? She kisses this face.
I know, she's very brave, but if we could just address one thing I tell you, she's the perfect woman.
If she could only cook.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jane can't cook? I've been trying to force this down for the past 20 minutes.
I don't even know what it is.
Is that corn or peppermint? Please don't tell Jane I said any of this.
Don't worry.
It'll be our little secret.
And with that, my mom had a tasty plan.
My mom had a recipe for how to win back the Ottoman Empire.
Step one Trick Mike into coming over.
So, you turn it this way, it's "locked," and you turn it this way, and it's "unlocked.
" I am just no good with this mechanical stuff.
Step two Give him a dash of something Jane Bales couldn't.
Ooh! What is that delightful aroma? Oh, I just threw some stuff in a pot.
Would you like a nibble? Well, I-I don't I don't know Just some ooey, gooey yumminess I like to call "The Mexican Bathtub.
" Oh, my stars.
Finally, pour on the temptation until Mike couldn't say no.
Like what you see, Formica Michael? Oh, I do.
I really do.
Then sit.
You know, I really shouldn't.
Because Janey's making dinner.
Something with fish necks.
Well, it'd be a shame for all this golden deliciousness to go to waste.
Oh, what could it hurt to have one bite? - Janey doesn't have to know.
- No one does.
And while you're here, let's talk about the store.
And so began the strangest affair of all time.
Hey, you know what, Vic? - I'll lock up.
- Oh.
Y-You sure? Yeah.
I find that as I approach my twilight years, spending time with furniture is invigorating.
That was a more full-bodied answer than I was expecting, but toodaloo.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Just open your mouth and take what I give you.
Yep, my mom had Mike in the palm of her hand.
And Jane at her wits' end.
What the hell are you doing with my divan?! I'd like to know, too.
As well as why a furniture store doesn't have a working dolly! Babe, things change.
One day, a man might be happy with a divan in the window, the next day, he might acquire a taste for a sleeper sofa.
Not better, it's not worse.
It's different, and different is exciting! You don't have to yell at me.
I'm not yelling! I'm exclaiming loudly! My mom's plan was working perfectly.
Meanwhile, I was hoping the roommate NYU assigned me was a perfect match.
You must be Jed.
Are you a freshman? I'm what they call an "encore student" paying for school with the G.
? Like my favorite action figures.
But you're real.
And super intense.
Had a platoon buddy named Adam once.
He's in heaven now.
At least, I hope there's a heaven, because I know there's a hell.
Well, I'm bringing a hamburger phone, so we got that covered.
Meeting Jed convinced me that the only weird, intense roommate I wanted was my lifelong best pal.
There's my wildly handsome friend who's known for his forgiving and forgetting nature.
- Save it.
- No, no, no, no, no! Please be my roommate! Too late.
I already have one.
Balls! Did yours also have his marriage dissolve when he came back stateside? He's the nephew of Hollywood character actor Ernie Hudson.
Winston from the "Ghostbusters?!" He's my fourth favorite! Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Who ya gonna call, Dave Kim? I think you know.
While I faced a roommate nightmare, my mom's "Dynasty" fantasy was about to play out in reality.
Beverly, you made it.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Really? Because you missed it for the last nine years.
- Vic, there they are.
Let's go.
- Oh.
Hello, Formica Michael.
Beverly, look, in the same place as my Janey.
And yet we're all comfortable, and nothing's going on.
Well, isn't this fun? Helping children and being confused.
Well, let me make it clear.
Jane I've been with your man! - What is she saying? - I honestly have no idea - what she's talking about.
- Oh, I'll tell you.
Every day and all night, we make sweet, sweet food together.
Did you just say "food"? What an awkward way to say you cook for the man.
Mike, is this true? No! Janey! Jane, no, I love everything that you make! Oh, then what's that marinara sauce on your collar? Mm, yes, explain that.
This is lipstick! I've been having several torrid affairs! Oh, my God! You have been eating her food.
An occasional snack! Lunch, dinner, at my home, in the store, in the very car you drove here today! I knew the DeVille smelled shrimpy! Fine! She's been feeding me! But it meant nothing! Or does it mean you couldn't satisfy him? Well, I can.
And I had him begging for seconds! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! - Oh! - Oh, my word! This is just like "Dynasty," but with smaller hats.
Maybe now you'll keep your hands off my store! What? Your store?! I don't want your hideous store.
Well, then why were you trying to take it from me? I wasn't.
I was just trying to be a part of Mike's life.
You know, a real partner, like you are with Murray.
What? Well, Mike only thinks of me one way as an incredibly stunning, beautiful, and sexy woman.
That's not far from the truth.
I mean, look at her wet.
I want more.
Okay? But I guess that'll never happen.
As Jane left my mom wallowing in the deep end, my friendship with my best bud had taken a dive.
- Hey.
- What's with the sad face? Dave Kim also cut you to your very core with sharp words that won't stop replaying in your head? Nope.
He just stopped being my best friend.
Oh, come on, it's Dave Kim.
You'll figure it out.
Not this time.
Well, if there's one thing you're good at, it's winning back someone's heart with a grand gesture.
I'll just do the thing I always do that always works! Always.
Now go to him! Barry was right.
I was the king of big, apologetic gestures.
The "Say Anything" boombox? I'm turning on the sprinklers! Aw, geez! Ohh! Problem was, Dave Kim knew all my moves.
Sappy montage of all our greatest moments, some in shameless slow-motion, set to an emotionally manipulative song? So I pulled out my biggest weapon.
Okay, okay! Here he comes! Not even Dave Kim could resist a giant musical number.
- A-one and a-two - Stop! Nobody dance! But we have a humongous choreographed musical number set to the song "Friends" by rap-pop duo Whodini.
You don't get it.
The only reason I even chose NYU was because you were going to be there.
But after what you did, we are no longer friends, and we never will be.
Really?! You heard that whole conversation and thought, "We're still doing it"? I had treated my best friend terribly.
The only thing left for me to do was try to forget him.
I'm trashing all my cherished memories.
Hold up.
Maybe I want the box.
What is this stuff? It's my Dave Kim keepsake collection.
Sure, we all have one.
Is this a Minnesota Vikings tablecloth? It's the wizard cloak we used in our D&D adventures.
- Ticket stubs? - Our first Weird Al concert.
He played "I Want a New Duck" back to back with "Girls Just Want To Have Lunch.
" Finally.
Something not terrifyingly dorky a notebook.
That's the English to Artootin dictionary from our made-up language.
Why are there six words for "thrust"? - No way.
- It's a nuanced dialect! Who knows.
Maybe G.
Jed will turn out to be a non-judgmental and endlessly loyal best friend, just like Dave Kim.
I can't bear to see that little weirdo without the other little weirdo.
I have an idea.
With that, my brother and sister set out to prove that apologizing was a universal language.
Tell Adam whatever this is, I don't want it.
He doesn't know that we're here.
We've got something to say to you, Dave Kim.
Kaa-toom ault-fay bleep bloop.
Am-day zeep arrrrr wee choot-choot.
Fee torp Dam-ay doop-doop weee, diots-iay.
You guys learned Artootin? Feep-feep, ova tizz.
Meeg norp? Yeah.
We kinda just memorized that small chunk.
Anyway, we're sorry if we destroyed what you and Adam had, but we hope that it's not unfixable.
The reason none of Adam's big gestures of love worked on you is 'cause you know him better than anyone.
My brother and sister were trying to remind Dave Kim how much our friendship meant.
Meanwhile, my mom had to make peace with her greatest enemy.
I'm sorry.
Things got a little w way out of hand.
Well, you didn't have to go and seduce my man with your delicious boiled meats.
- Boiled? - I don't know food! When I was a child, all my mother ever made were gin and tonics and cold conversation.
God, I love her.
For me, I remember going into my father's store and watching him put out those paper cups.
I didn't know that.
It's kind of the only connection I have left.
I'll leave the store alone.
Thank you.
And I know that Mike looks like a doughnut with a face, but he's growing on me.
I wanna keep him.
Well, maybe I could help you with that.
Friendships can be complicated, - whether new or lifelong.
- Hey, Adam.
Or should I say roommate? Seriously?! You mean it? - I do.
- Thank you, Dave Kim.
I can't imagine going to college without my best friend.
They call for equal parts trust, understanding, and forgiveness.
And if you follow the recipe - Hey.
- you'll eventually learn It's not bad! life can be pretty delicious.
We're gonna help you decide what you're gonna take to college.
My Omnibot cassette-playing robot with Huey Lewis and the News inside! Here's something that shouldn't be news Women don't like robots.
He-Man and the entire line of Masters of Universe action figures.
In this universe, you will get no action.
My trusty calculator watch.
The only thing you'll watch is the babes run away.
Nothing's cooler than my Indiana Jones hat and whip.
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