The Goldbergs s09e18 Episode Script


1 Back in the '80s, everyone was getting physical.
Walks were powered, bodies were Jaked, and Richard Simmons made sure oldies were sweated to.
No one liked moving their body more than my mom.
Thank you, Richard Simmons.
Your naggy nudginess continues to challenge and inspire.
Is it weird that it's his job to constantly work out, but yet his body looks like mine after Thanksgiving? He is ripped and shredded with enthusiasm.
You're just defending him because you share the same tank-top glitter-er.
I wish.
All my sparkle comes from these hands.
And that smile.
I have an adult friend! Who's ready for the best news in the world? Did Giuseppe's change their policy and are now accepting parties of one? New Year's Eve, here I come.
No, and wow.
The actual good news is that P.
was canceled for the rest of senior year.
We would high-five, but that would require a level of dexterity we're no longer interested in achieving.
Squishy, you need to continue to mold your perfectly formed child's body into the sculpted adult statue it's destined to become! No, no, no, I don't! Coach Mellor popped a massive hernia lifting the front end of a Pontiac Sunbird.
Was he trying to save a child? Apparently, he was trying to impress a child.
- Been there.
- The giant hole in his insides means he's out for the rest of the year, and Principal Ball decided it's not worth replacing him.
So P.
has turned into rest hour.
No pain, much gain! Principal Ball made that kind of decision without consulting me? I'm his right hand.
I'm the Hooch to his Turner.
This is wholly unacceptable.
And yet, we're all accepting it without reflection.
At the holiday party, Principal Ball told me that he valued my input.
But then he called me Dennis.
No child of mine is gonna sit around and become a lazy lump.
Don't bother.
He's pretty dug in.
- He tried to make me carry him home.
- No.
I asked you to pull me home in a red wagon.
Your version makes me look bad.
I'm always pestering Ball every waking hour to keep me involved.
Is it possible he's not responding to that? Exercise is the heartbeat of the Goldberg family! Please, Dad stops and sits on the way from the couch to the fridge to break up the trip.
You are not gonna become your dear but inert father.
John, cue Richard.
You're needed again, tireless curly-haired oddball.
Left, left and right.
Nope, not gonna happen.
Gaah! Leave me alone! We're moving! Dave Kim, look away! Not a chance.
No hustle, no muscle! Knees up! Whoo! It was April 13th, 1980-something, and Barry was on top of the world, as was his best friend and new brother-in-law, Geoff.
There's my bro! There's my bro! Isn't it so cool now that I'm married to your sister, when I call you "bro," it's, like, a fact? Totally! I used to toss around "bro" like it meant nothing.
Like when someone gets mad at you for cutting them off in traffic, "Enh! The hell, bro?" Or like when it's a guy you kinda know, even slept at his house once as a kid, but you can't remember if his name is Greg or Craig? - "Hey, bro!" - No more.
I hereby declare "bro" a sacred term reserved for our special brotherhood.
And I will always honor that, bro.
Unless I run into Greg/Craig.
His dad lent me boxers to sleep in once.
I remember his name was Dwayne.
I'd love to keep bro'ing it up, but I got a thing.
I got a thing, too, bro! - Bro you later? - Later, bro.
- Wait.
Are you going left here? - Sure am.
Me too! But the same direction wasn't all these bros had in common.
Suite 510? Wait.
Barry, you weren't selected as a finalist for an internship with renowned surgeon Dr.
Andrew Solit, were you? How'd you guess? - Brothers know.
- Brothers do know.
A summer with Dr.
Solit would look amazing on a medical-school app.
I heard last year's interns all got into their first choice, except one guy who got caught switching out urine samples with his own.
- What's the thrill there? - Coupla bros going for the same internship.
Well, if you think about it, bro, it's Great.
So great bro.
This is so not great.
Barry and I applied for the same internship.
So? You'll definitely get it.
Why do you assume that? I love my brother, but you have better grades, you're more responsible, personable, and you're super cute.
- You really think it's mine? - I know it, babe.
Look, I love my brother, but you're smarter, way more passionate and alpha.
Plus, you're smoking hot in a way that sneaks up on you.
I do sneak up on you.
- Although - Although, what? Barry's crazy competitive.
There's no way he could handle losing to you.
But Geoff is so Sensitive.
Like, emotionally fragile in a way that's always alarmed our parents, neighbors, and rabbi.
If I won, it'd be like the pudding incident all over again.
We were freshmen.
There was one pudding left in the cafeteria, and we both reached for it at the same time, and, knowing how he'd react, I let him have it.
I took what was mine.
With an air of emotional and physical recklessness that he couldn't deal with.
Oh, baby, no one can.
He then accuses me of being selfish 'cause I brought my lunch and he forgot his.
He didn't talk to me for days.
Lunch has always been Barry's favorite meal.
Right after breakfast, dinner, and something he calls "midnight madness.
" Maybe things would be different now.
'Cause we're brothers.
Like, real brothers.
It's by marriage, which is meaningless, but a bro is a bro.
He's lived in your jacked shadow your whole lives.
Maybe there's another internship out there.
There's gotta be another summer gig.
You're right.
I wouldn't wanna hurt Barry for anything.
It's the right thing to do.
For family.
- It's what you do for family.
- Proud of you, babe.
I'm so proud of you, hon.
Let's celebrate with you giving me a foot rub.
As Geoff and Barry made their minds up about the summer internship, my mom was determined not to take the cancellation of P.
sitting down.
How could you, Earl? This isn't some silly thing that they're never gonna use like Spanish.
This is physical education! Oh.
A meeting with a concerned parent.
Was this on the books or impromptu? Either way, I'm here.
We can begin.
We've already begun.
Goldberg wants us to rethink the decision to pull the plug on P.
I'll handle this.
Beverly, I'm so sorry.
Our personal relationship notwithstanding, that ain't gon' happen.
See, you can delegate to me.
A-And she's twisting my arm! Literally! Earl, as Quaker Warden, I feel a sense of responsibility to send these kids out into the world with healthy habits for life.
That's all great and weird, but we got no P.
teacher here.
Then I will personally teach an exercise class.
- You? - I was gonna say, "You?" Based on my relentless input, Aubrey, who teaches over at Jenkintown Shape 'n' Sculpt, has often asked, "Uh, Beverly, would you like to lead the class?" Um, Beverly, it's sadly naive of you to think that you can just saunter in here and appoint yourself to teach P.
You know what, Bev? You've worn me down.
Go for it.
On the other hand, we'll allow it just this once.
I'm gonna teach Jazzercise to the lazy seniors.
Whoo! The only problem was, my mom had no idea just how lazy we'd become.
I never thought P.
was a class I'd actually look forward to.
I know.
I finally found a good use for a badminton racket.
This is why we take the field.
Who's ready to get physical? Whoo! Oh, balls.
Goldberg, why does your mom look like Liza Minnelli ready to take a jog? Mother, a word? Schmoo, I told you I was gonna make you move your body.
She did say that back at home.
We have a personal friendship outside of these walls.
Anyway, I'm your new P.
Yay! Are you kidding me? I only have five weeks left in school, and my social runway's cleared for a smooth landing.
And now this? I just think it's important that children remain active.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Well, then you're not gonna get your P.
credit, and you're not gonna graduate.
I'll give up all my hopes and dreams before I let my demented mother make me Jazzercise with my friends.
Actually, I'm gonna call it "School-ercise.
" I don't care what it's called.
I'm out.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go lay down in the hammock I made out of jump ropes and Nerf balls.
- I guess it's over.
- Oh, it is far from over.
That's too ominous for a school setting involving children, but, hey, I'm along for the ride.
While my mom wasn't gonna go down without a fight, Geoff was prepared to give up his internship to his number-one bro.
Yo, Brobi-Wan Kenobi.
My man Dominique Bro-ilkins.
Some work better than others.
So, look, I've been thinking.
About that internship with Dr.
Solit? I don't think I'm gonna do it.
Me neither.
You've got to.
You're a shoo-in.
If anyone's shoes are in, it's you.
That's not the expression.
Barry, there's no way I could go for this thing knowing that you're up for it, too.
There's no way I can go for it knowing you are.
- Aww.
- So much aww.
So, what're we saying? That I should do it? - Do it up.
- Totally.
By "do it up," does that mean backing out or not backing out? It's backing out of backing out.
And I insist, because now the path is clear.
- The path is clear? - Exactly.
- For me? - Uh-huh.
My pleasure.
What exactly is your pleasure? Clearing a path.
For you.
- Well, thanks.
- Anytime.
Have fun on your rocket ride, and remember to mention me in your speech at the Medical Hall of Fame.
It's just, I gotta ask, are Are you backing out because you think you'd beat me? What? No.
Well, not like beat beat, but I think it's obvious I'd have a slight edge.
- An edge? - A slight huge edge.
Why were you gonna back out? Because I know I'd get it.
Oh, you know? Well, what if I got it? Like how I got the pudding? I let you have that pudding.
Or I took that pudding with my indomitable will and brawn.
Or I knew that baby Barry would throw a tantrum if he didn't have his Snack Pack.
- Because I'm smarter than you.
- Oh, yeah? How many fingers am I holding behind my back? Is it one and it's the middle? Mmpf! Don't care.
I'm still getting that internship.
The hell you are, because now I'm not backing down.
Then it's on.
It's on like Donkey Kong.
Isn't Donkey Kong the loser in that game? Everyone's the hero of their own story.
Dammit! Find your own way to storm off.
You find your own way to storm off! As Barry and Geoff were ready to go to war, I was still riding high on defeating my mom.
Or so I thought.
Gaah! I mean, "Gah.
" Well, hello, Adam.
Or should I say pupil? Because I am a teacher A teacher of the physical arts.
You are nothing because you have no students to instruct.
Au contraire, fruit of my 26-hour labor.
I have plenty of eager bodies to shape.
In fact, here comes my star scholar now.
Ready for class.
Brea, what is this? I'm School-ercising with your mom.
How did she get to you? It's our pantry, isn't it? It's loaded, and your mom hasn't bought a bag of chips in years.
- We have chips.
- Yeah, homemade banana chips.
That might as well be deviled eggs.
Adam, I like P.
And aerobics seems fun.
That's why Mariel's doing it, too.
I forgot my workout clothes.
Is it cool if I just wear my bikini? Well, keep all the obvious hot zones covered, and we're good.
You thinking what I'm thinking? You know, I'd like to continue my education in P.
, too.
All are welcome! Oh, look, Adam, all your peers want to get physical with your mama.
Yeah, there was no version of that phrase that brought me joy, but to my horror, with the popular kids on board, School-ercise was taking off.
We're gonna do some pelvic loops, okay? Pretend there's a crayon tied to your hips, and you're gonna just do big circles.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Not you, too, Dave Kim? Sorry.
Mariel's here.
Dave Kim needs this.
Just go.
I never wasn't gonna.
Pretty soon, everyone will be joining in.
And by "everyone," she clearly meant me.
Geoff was determined to win the internship away from Barry.
Only one problem Geoff was Geoff.
Oh, thank goodness, strawberry Quik.
I really need to take the edge off.
Well, it's over now, baby.
- The internship's Barry's.
- What? I'm the superior candidate.
You just said so yourself.
And you are.
But thinking about it, Barry's got something that you'll never have.
The irrational, aggressive intensity of a lunatic.
- But that's a bad thing.
- Most of the time.
But this is a competition, and the person who's willing to be the boldest always wins.
- That's not true.
- Isn't it, though? By the way, I made a reservation at Bombay Palace tonight.
What? You know I can't eat Indian food.
Their spices are too vibrant for me.
Sorry, bud, Mama's in a hurry for curry.
My neck is already sweaty, but it is my husbandly duty.
And point made.
Oh, you were just trying to prove that I can't stand up for myself? You folded faster than the laundry I make you do.
How do I win this internship? There's only one way, out-Barry Barry.
I will be the most irrational, confrontational, not-so-nice fella the world has ever known.
You're in the game, kid.
Yes! And even better, I don't have to eat Indian food.
Nah, grab your jacket.
That little scenario gave me a taste for tandoori.
And so Geoff harnessed his inner Barry.
Gentlemen, while the internship is mostly clerical, I expect you to have basic knowledge of medicine at your fingertips.
My fingers are jacked.
Surgeon's hands, yo! Playing God with my mitts! O-kay.
Goldberg, question What are red blood cells shaped like? Doughnuts! They're shaped like doughnuts.
Maple bacon.
- Cake for breakfast, y'all.
- Huh.
- What are you doing? - While that is basically correct, I have to say the ensuing outburst was embarrassing, at best.
You said best.
And that's what I am.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-best! I'm just gonna continue heading this way.
What are you doing, dude? Say hello to Dr.
Big Tasty, MD.
That's right, I've taken your rap name, just like I'm taking this internship.
Well, good luck, fellow qualified candidate.
What's going on? Why are you being so gracious and not attacking me with words and fists? I had a little chat with Joanne, and she suggested there's no way I'd win 'cause you're too nice, so I'm out-Geoffing you.
Y-You can't out-me me.
I'm out-youing you.
I don't know where you got that terrible idea, but neat-o mosquito.
- Is that supposed to be me? - Yeppers.
Oh, no.
You're disarmingly innocent.
Wait! Dr.
Solit! I'm the kinda guy who says "yeppers.
" While Geoff was losing ground to Barry, my mom's aerobics class was taking the school by storm.
You look like Alyssa Milano in Teen Steam.
I only know that because Barry rented it.
We watched it in dead silence and went our separate ways.
Ignoring all that.
Your mom is teaching during lunch - since the other class filled up.
- Neat.
Now none of my peers have to miss out on watching her glisten like Kathleen Turner in the erotic thriller Body Heat.
- Barry rented that, too.
- I get it.
She's your mom.
But to the rest of us, she's just this fun, hilarious lady who, honestly, really knows how to move her body.
You did it.
It's all okay now.
Come on.
The entire senior class is having a blast.
I admit, when I stare through the gym-door window in horror, everyone does look kinda sorta happy.
Because we are.
Give it a try.
Please? For me? Let's get to the gym.
Who was I to argue with my girlfriend in a leotard? So I suited up and gave School-ercise a shot.
Your thighs, neck, and tushy want this.
What does that even mean? Come on.
Just go with it.
I took Brea's advice, and to my surprise, grooving with my mom wasn't that bad.
I'm feeling loose.
How 'bout you guys? Until this.
Yep, in a high school career filled with embarrassing moments, this one topped them all.
And not just for me.
As my day couldn't have gotten any worse, Geoff's stunk, as well.
There you are.
Your advice was terrible.
I was rude and obnoxious, and Barry was a saint.
Hello, my dear and loving husband.
- How are you today? - No pleasantries.
I am reeling here.
And not to mention, the Indian food is not sitting well.
The bus trip home was a white-knuckler.
We'll figure this out.
What's there to figure? I'm doomed to be a beloved but average country doctor who treats his simple patients with folksy wisdom.
Your worst-case scenarios are always so charming.
But this isn't over.
We can still hit Barry back.
How? He's stolen my delightful persona.
He said that laughter was the best medicine and then gave everyone several doses.
We'll just force the real Barry out of him with the one thing that he can't resist.
All the buttons in an elevator? His incredibly fragile ego.
Erica was right.
If there was one thing Barry hated the most, it was someone else being the best.
Solit says he'll join us as soon as he wraps up with a patient.
- Thanks, Raj.
- Say, Raj, I understand that you're a world-class fencer? Not world-class, but I did do it for a few years in high school.
Well, that would definitely make you the best person with a sword around here.
- Wouldn't you say, Bar? - I don't know about that.
No, no.
Raj is the best.
Even with a katana, which is the blade of a ninja.
I'm sorry.
Did you say something? Because this is all about Raj and how he dominates with all hand-to-hand combat weapons.
That's an exaggeration Oh, and so humble despite your clear top-dog status.
I challenge you, Raj.
Cage match or elimination chamber? Those are the same thing, and, no, Barry.
Raj is clearly the exceptional bladesman.
Falsehood! Choose your weapon.
I was just hoping to enjoy this three-bean stew.
Raj chooses bread.
Take your garde.
Yeah, I refuse on the grounds that this is incredibly stupid.
Ouch, Bar.
Are you just gonna let Raj talk to you that way? Never! Please don't.
You're getting crumbs on my jacket.
What is happening right now? I'll field this one.
Barry is emotionally out-of-control and attacked Raj with bread.
Raj goaded me into it by having limited success in his past.
Okay, I'm ready to pick my intern.
I-It's Raj.
Come with me.
Well, that didn't go the way I thought it would.
What the hell, dude? You let me make a fool of myself! You did the same thing to me.
I hope you're happy.
Why would I be happy? I didn't get the thing I wanted! Well, I didn't get it, either.
Then you should storm off.
You storm off.
I have food here.
I have food here, too.
God! While Barry and Geoff were feeling less than brotherly, I had some familial issues of my own.
Uh, hey, so, what's the word in the hallway, homebody? Has my, uh, - little aerobic miscue blown over? - Miscue? Half the senior class heard your two-cheek squeak.
This thing has legs! Oh, my God.
I only have a few weeks left at this school, and you just couldn't help but embarrass me? You think this is how I want to be remembered? It's how you should be remembered, as a complete embarrassment to your children, family, and community.
Is your mom hiding in the custodial closet? Right by the lemon Pledge and a little chair by a radio.
She must feel terrible.
Yeah, she's acting like she's more embarrassed than me.
Well, you're not the one who canoonerred.
- It's my family's word for it.
- Adorable, but Beverly Goldberg's public explosions are nobody's fault but hers.
Maybe you could at least be sympathetic to the woman who tries to give you everything? Hmm, let me think about it.
- No.
- Adam, all she wanted was for you to be healthy.
- Just like I do.
- You care about me that much? Almost as much as she does.
So you'll make it right? I'll consider it, but I need a day.
Or possibly the rest of my life.
Even though my mom had committed the ultimate embarrassment, the school day rolled right on.
It's Bike Safety Week, seniors! Although most of you drive cars and stopped learning things weeks ago, let us not forget our two-wheeled friends.
"Bicyclist" is just "friend" spelled with many different letters.
Thank you, Principal Ball, for scheduling this emergency meeting so that we can talk about what happened yesterday.
Crack attack! Thunder from Down Under.
Colon bowlin'.
Stop! We are not replacing Bike Week to have a discussion about a faculty member's flatulence.
I see.
Well, I guess my time here really has come to an end.
I'm sorry it ended this way.
Turns out I didn't want it to end this way, either.
Mom You made gym, a class I normally hate, into something fun.
And not just for me but for all the students here.
Why should one horrible, life-scarring moment mean your time is done? Last week, my glasses fell into the toilet, and I couldn't fish them out, which meant, a whole day of I mean, who here hasn't done something embarrassing? I barfed on seventh-grade picture day, and they made me wear the only T-shirt in the lost and found.
So for the rest of the year, I had a new nickname (BLEEP) Last Resort.
I may have once kissed the TV when Wonder Woman was on.
Also, it was more than once.
I got one.
I once paid my girlfriend's rent in Florida for an entire year, even though I knew she was cohabitating with our dog groomer.
They went to St.
Maarten for a vacation.
I paid for that, too.
I agree with young Goldberg.
We all make mistakes.
Like Bike Week.
Why was this a good idea? Adam.
So you're not embarrassed of me? Always.
But I can't have you being embarrassed of yourself.
You're Beverly Goldberg.
As my mom cleared the air, tensions still lingered between Barry and Geoff.
What? No.
I'm not going anywhere he is.
'Cause there's a huge world out there for you to explore, most of which doesn't have me in it.
But stay away from Australia and the Americas.
Guys, stop.
Joanne and I talked about it, and we're to blame, as well.
It's true.
We should've just encouraged you to be yourselves.
You're brothers.
You'd do anything for each other.
Even giving up something that you want more than anything in the world.
I really did want you to get it.
Me too.
- Bro.
- Anything at all That's the thing about family.
Sometimes there can be disagreements, even embarrassments, but eventually, if you find yourselves in step with the people you love, there's no telling the great places you might go.
I've added some sound effects to old home movies.
Stop videotaping! Adam, what the hell? I'm gonna crimp your face! I quit! We're called the Dropouts because We dropped out of college.
Ha! Classic bathroom humor never disappoints, am I right? When it's classy.

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