The Goldbergs s09e19 Episode Script

Grand Theft Scooter

Back in the '80s, the special ladies in my life, my girlfriend, Brea, and my mom, weren't always on the same page.
Adam's kind of a nerd.
Brea Bee, I will run over your bike.
She just tried to ship me off to the North Pole.
She called our family crazy for some reason.
And as the sun set on my senior year, splitting time between them proved very tough.
I can't sit next to my girlfriend? You're sitting next to your original girlfriend.
That is, until my mom hit us with a big surprise.
Hello, Adam and Brea.
Or as they say in Miami, "Hola, Adam and Brea.
" A year ago this would've surprised me, but now I just say, "There she is.
" - Don't engage.
- Too late.
Brea already made eye contact, and now I want to show you both my special gift.
It's an early graduation present for my Mr.
Pibb and his little Orange Crush.
- Is it soda? - Brea, this isn't your house.
Here we have soda whenever we want it.
- Open it.
- Careful.
It could still be a trap.
Adam, it's just a box.
You are really taking a long time.
Yay! I'm incredibly generous.
Plane tickets to Miami?! Because I love Adam, and you're the girl he loves for now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You deserve it.
Okay, now, what's the catch? Is it a catch that you'll be staying in a luxurious beachfront condominium? - Awesome.
- Keep going.
That was left to me by my beloved father.
- Oh.
- Continue.
Which still contains all of his belongings that I've been unable to deal with.
- I see.
- She's not finished.
So in between fun in the sun, I'll need you to sort, label, and box these items, which are loaded with emotional significance.
Why didn't I see it? And the capper is Oh, well, I'm coming along, too.
And there it is! Adam, wait.
It is Miami.
And she said we'll still get a lot of fun in the sun.
So much sun.
Maybe too much.
Adam tends to burn where his tushy meets his thighs.
It'll be every night with the aloe for me.
What do you say? For me? Fine.
But I get to wear my Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach T-shirt.
- Daddy needs a win, too.
- Yay! My baby and I are going on a trip! And Brea will be there.
It was April 20th, 1980-something, and my sister was at a crucial juncture on her way to becoming a lawyer.
She was about to find out her LSAT score.
Relax, I'm sure you did great.
You've been working so hard.
Now, open it.
Oh, my God.
I bombed.
Come on.
I'm sure you just Wow, that is a low score.
Okay, how do I spin this? You're so pretty! It's over.
Forget law school.
I'm just gonna be a doctor's wife who drives around aimlessly crying in her Mercedes.
Or you just take the test again.
You're the smartest person I know.
Barry's coming.
And he just got his MCAT scores.
God, I bet he aced 'em, the idiot.
He can't know about this.
But he knows you took the test.
I mean, I'm not sure we can keep it from him.
It's called lying, Geoff.
And a husband lies for his wife.
No matter what the circumstances are or how wrong she is.
- He does? - Do you remember that woman who was arrested for burying her mailman in the garden? Where did her husband say that she was that weekend? - Apple picking in Vermont? - Exactly.
Because that's what marriage is, love and covering up heinous crimes.
I don't know.
I've never lied to Barry before.
Oh, it's easy.
I'll show you.
There's my favorite person who definitely doesn't smell like the towel that you use to dry the dog.
Actually, sister, what you're smelling is the musk of dominance.
'Cause I just crushed the MCAT.
- Nice, Bar! - It is nice.
I now have my pick of med schools.
And everyone in this mall will be a flea on my rump if I were a horse.
Unless they're my patient, in which case, they'd be the salt lick to my horse and get the best care money can buy.
Got a little lost in the horse talk, - but all sounds great, I think.
- Yeah.
Oh, Erica did well on her LSAT.
- A perfect score.
- Wow, okay.
I'll have my pick of law schools, but I'll probably focus on helping people instead of making money.
Thus proving how lawyers are dumber than doctors.
Now, who will fetch me a celebratory stromboli? And who will fetch mine? - Uh, I guess me? - There ya go.
Those of us who aced graduate-level standardized tests need to be served.
- Okay.
- And all the napkins.
I I'm a little surprised.
You're famously terrible at taking tests.
Well, now I'm famously the best at it.
And let's drop it because I'm also famously modest.
Oh, my God.
Is he choking? Relax, food court! I just did very well on my MCAT! I'm basically a doctor! Now, if a patient can't make a sound, then he's definitely choking.
Sir, are you choking? You gotta speak up, I can barely hear you.
He's obviously choking, Barry! Do something! I'm diagnosing, Erica.
Try coughing.
Out, calzone! Ugh! Disgusting.
What the hell just happened? This lady just saved the old man's life.
She's a hero.
While Barry stewed at Erica basking in the sun, Brea and I were ready to catch some rays of our own.
We're headed to the beach.
Brea's gonna bodysurf while I watch from the shore.
I saw a picture of Pinocchio at the airport, and my fear of whales is bubbling up.
Sounds good.
And you know what? I might not even need your help at all.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm just, uh, emotionally ready for this, you know? Like, here's my dad's sweater.
It even smells like him.
There's no sense of loss, just lots of warm memories.
That's great, Mom.
Aw, see, right now, I'm remembering the first time he ever took me to the park.
And I wanted to go on the swings, but I was so nervous.
- Aww.
- Big aww.
We should get going.
So he put my little hand in his.
It was so strong and encouraging.
That's him alright.
The sand awaits.
I felt so safe and loved.
And now, because he's gone, because he was stolen from me Balls.
I'll never feel that way again! Oh-ho, God! Please tell me that's someone to tell us there's a hurricane.
I'll get rid of them.
You two need to witness more of the deep personal bond I had with my father.
Are you Beverly? Uh, that depends.
Is this about the speed limit in this community? Because six is [BLEEP.]
I'm Charlotte.
I was a friend of your dad's.
Well, a girlfriend really.
Ah, yes.
Yeah, he had a lot of those.
Um, but don't worry, I'm sure you were the special one.
Oh, Adam? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Adam, do you know this woman? Does he know me? We came in second in the condo talent competition with our soaring rendition of the "Banana Boat Song.
" What the actual hell.
How many times have you met this woman I've never even heard of? All four times he visited Albert down here.
Adam [BLEEP.]
The "F" is actually for Frederick, but you know that.
And Brea's here, too.
Wait, you know Brea? Well, let's be clear, no.
I spoke to her once on the phone when Pops was opening Adam's pistachios.
It was a particularly stubborn batch.
None of this makes sense.
Well, I had just clipped my nails.
Not your comely feminine fingers, this woman.
I can see that this is very complicated and difficult for you, Beverly, so I'll give you time to process and drop by later.
Congrats on NYU.
After Charlotte's visit, I wanted to disappear.
Meanwhile, Erica was enjoying the spotlight.
This old dude couldn't breathe.
We were losing him, and as others froze I was assessing the situation, thank you.
This man's life was in my hands.
These hands.
So delicate yet strong.
Like lady hammers.
- Can I touch them? - No.
I'm a tactile learner, but okay.
And I summoned all my strength.
And thrust! Thrust! Thrust! And then, calzone nub.
And so, life.
How'd you know what to do? Instinct.
Perfect skin.
Um, and bravery.
There was also that Heimlich chart next to the Orange Julius kiosk that we happened to be looking at earlier.
But where does the bravery come from? Like, how do you have it and others Don't? I don't know.
Maybe it stems from my credo, "You either live for something or you die for nothing.
" That's Rambo: First Blood'scredo.
Yeah, and he got it from me.
Questions? More praise? Can you take a look at this mole on my neck? She's not a doctor-to-be.
I am.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but she clearly has a knack for this sorta thing.
What do you think? - Should I be worried? - Honestly, yes.
I'm scared, but it's good to know.
Anyway, the mall is holding a ceremony to honor me as Food Court Hero of the Year, so you guys should all come.
She's getting free strombolis for life and something called the "Golden Tray.
" Okay, you did fine punching that old geezer in the gut, but I'm the real doctor here.
I crushed the MCAT.
Being a doctor isn't about filling in test bubbles.
Bar, maybe you can be one of those doctors that runs the hospital.
You know, a little less hands on.
Yeah, one of those admin types who's always worried about the budget, and denies healthcare to kids because of insurance issues.
That's it.
One way or another, I'll reclaim my medical dominance.
And you'll all be begging me to exam your moles and bodies.
As Barry swore he, too, could be a hero, my mom still saw me as the villain.
Hitting the beach? Or would you rather not tell me, because you're a son who gets a cheap thrill from harboring dark family secrets? Alright, relax.
What kind of boy doesn't tell his own mother about his grandpa's lover? I don't know, a normal boy? I just can't believe that this Charlotte was the only serious relationship he'd had since my mother died and I had no idea! Maybe he didn't tell you because it wasn't actually that serious.
Well, this box of pictures and love letters says otherwise.
Who's up for story time? Oh, that seems like a terrible idea.
They could be deeply personal a-a-a-and she's reading them.
"Albert, my stallion" We had very different grandpas.
"Last night on the shuffleboard court, our bodies moved as one.
" That doesn't sound too serious.
Just a couple of teammates in an innocent game.
"As the waves crashed over us, the sea and sand filled what little space there was between us.
" Sand in the bathing trunks.
So annoying.
I'm with Charlotte on this one.
"Also that thing with your hands, how did you do that?" Fine.
I'll admit that it was serious if you please stop reading.
And then there's the pictures.
Close your eyes, Brea.
- What? - Just do it.
Dancing on New Year's Eve, ice cream on the pier, riding his scooter.
These all sound like innocent photos, Adam.
Not worth the risk.
Wait, his mobility scooter.
That's where it is.
That hussy stole it! Wild accusation.
But you seem to be off the photos.
Oh, look.
A whole roll of hot tub photos.
I don't think I like my graduation gift.
Who's taking these pictures? Erica had heroically saved a choking man.
Naturally, that meant my brother needed his moment, too.
Welcome, dear family.
Thank you all for coming.
Yesterday I didn't properly celebrate my sister's heroism.
So in her honor, I present this feast.
Weird assortment of foods, Big Tasty.
- I know.
- Gobstoppers, hot dogs, marshmallows, giant carrot pieces Um, are these by chance the foods one might be most likely to choke on? Oh, don't be silly.
Now, who wants a genetically engineered extra-large table grape? Barry, it really seems like you're hoping one of your best friends starts choking.
If it happens, no biggie.
I'm here.
Keep your keister parked, guest of honor.
- Andy, elephant grape? - No, thanks.
Is it because you have a baby mouth? I don't have a baby mouth.
No, I just ate.
Was it a jar of Gerber's pureed ham because of your aforementioned baby mouth? No.
And they puree ham? They puree everything.
Ravioli, stew, Texas Roadhouse prime rib.
It's a great era to be a baby.
Yeah, that seems way wrong.
What's way wrong is you're afraid to eat these adult-sized fruit treats.
Dammit, I'll eat the dumb grape.
Huh? Mmm-mmm.
- It's pretty good, actually.
- I know.
- It's juicy.
- Oh.
- Holy crap, it's happening.
- Bar, he just coughed.
Your savior is here, little friend.
Oh! My ribs! Barry, he can talk.
That means he's fine.
His breathing is labored.
Oh, please let me go! And life! You are forever in my debt.
Your hands went way too low, bro.
Way too low! Wow, I thought doctors are supposed to make people feel better.
Face it, you're not the healer I am.
I'm more concerned that my patient is alive.
Alive? Barely! While Barry learned a lesson about himself, my mom knew I was the easiest way to get what she wanted from Pops' ex.
I'm really not sure about this.
This is our best chance we have to get that scooter back.
No woman can say no to your deliciousness.
Am I right? I feel like a piece of meat.
Hey, the sooner we get the scooter back, the sooner we can get to the beach.
Now, let's see how you look in my tank top.
Mama's little muscle man! You're on.
Oh, hi, Adam.
Can you chat for a minute? Anything for Albert's boy.
Pops' scooter is missing, and I'm pretty sure that you've got it.
And if I can get it back, that'd be great.
Honestly, I don't recall Albert owning a scooter.
But my memory isn't what it used to be.
Okay, we are not gonna fall for your doddering old lady routine.
Of course you're behind this.
Albert said that you could be difficult.
Oh, do you know what he told me about you? Nothing! So maybe your relationship was more important to you than it was to him.
Or maybe you weren't as close with your father as you thought you were.
Well, I never.
Well, I always.
With your father.
We're getting that scooter back.
Can't get back what I don't have! As Charlotte threw that in my mom's face, it was time for Barry to face that Erica was gonna get her Golden Tray.
I can't believe my dumb sister is Food Court Hero of the Year.
I can't believe there is a Food Court Hero of the Year.
It is a weirdly specific honor.
And Erica got a perfect score on the LSAT? She's such a terrible test-taker.
Yep, she nailed it alright.
Got a hundred.
Wait, Are you saying she scored 100 points? Uh, yes, Barry, that's what a perfect score is.
A perfect score on the LSAT is 48.
No, it's not.
Right, guys? Dammit.
Please don't tell her I said she bombed.
I didn't know she bombed until right this moment, Geoffrey.
Oh, no! Oh, hey, can you back up? The ring of honor is for heroes only.
Is it also for people who bomb their LSAT? You're so pretty! Do you remember when I was saying that earlier? - You're so pretty.
- That's okay, Erica.
Lying's not against the law.
Or is it? You wouldn't know.
You've wanted to be a doctor your entire life, but now you know that you don't have what it takes.
And I have a Golden Tray to prove it.
Attention, everyone.
We're canceling today's ceremony.
Unfortunately, the man who was saved just passed away.
It gets better and better.
Wait, we can still have the ceremony.
I gave that geezer one more week of life.
Unless your sloppy Heimlich is what killed him.
Too much force, maybe a rib punctured his lung, it happens.
I think I heard "hit by bus.
" Ah.
I want my Golden Tray.
That seems in poor taste.
- Give it.
- Oh.
He said it's not yours! You know it's painted plastic? - Give me that tray! - I earned it! Okay, enough.
I've known you two forever and you're still doing this crap? Kicking each other when you're down? How about supporting each other for once? I'm so sick of it.
Why did we come here? Our lives are too small.
So much to examine.
As Barry and Erica realized Geoff had a point, all signs pointed to Brea and I getting the spring break we were promised.
I can't believe we're finally going to the beach.
It'll be worth the wait.
I bet the stars will look beautiful.
'- Mm.
- Not as beautiful as you, of course.
What the hell, woman?! So in the dark you couldn't see me.
What are you up to now? Stealing back my father's scooter under the cover of night.
But what if you get caught? The condo security folks are weirdly intense.
I'll just hide in the ocean, Adam.
It's right there.
Brea, I think I need to keep an eye on this.
Let's just get changed.
And so began the dumbest caper in the history of capers.
We snuck down there, then over that way, got super lost, and went back.
We even did this thing for some reason.
And, finally, next to the clearly marked "scooter parking" sign, it was, hello, Pops' scooter.
Turns out, our strange night of creeping around with my mom was a success Until we were easily caught.
Hold it right there.
It's the fuzz! Johnny Law! Smokey! The Blue Meanies! - Adam.
- I'm panicking.
I've never been held at flashpoint before.
That's my scooter they're taking.
This isn't yours.
I can tell by the bumper sticker.
"I Scooty for the Booty.
" It's suggestive in all the right ways.
- Is it? - You know, come to think of it, my dad had a Jolly Roger flag on the back of his scooter.
He was a scamp.
Well, I didn't have to use my defibrillator, so I'mma chalk this up as a win.
Mom, it's officially time to let the scooter go.
This isn't about the scooter.
He clearly loved her, and I never knew about it.
I thought we were close, but now I don't know.
After unpacking her true feelings, my mom was back to packing up Pops' stuff.
Okay, we're finally off to catch some rays and splash in the surf.
Have fun.
But be careful, though.
I heard on the radio they found a dead great white on the beach.
Apparently, it was killed by a bunch of very territorial sea snakes.
There are sea snakes? The Jolly Roger.
We are never gonna touch sand, are we? No, we are not.
Bring back my dad's scooter! But that wasn't happening, so my mom took off on a thrilling, high-octane chase that was neither thrilling nor high-octane.
Going somewhere? Oh, hi, hi.
Ma'am, can we borrow your scooter? And in return, my son can read to you.
- What?! - I like stories about Germans.
Thank you.
Coming through.
It's an emergency.
- Oh, my God! - Are you two okay? I'll be fine.
In jail.
For grand theft scooter.
Beverly, I know it sounds silly, but this damn scooter actually meant something to me.
Oh, no.
I am the one who deserves to be upset.
Because I was the one kept in the dark.
'Cause for some reason, he never wanted me to meet you.
Well, how do you think that made me feel? I asked Albert a million times if we could meet, and he kept saying, "Soon.
" And now he's gone and this is how we meet.
Keep the damn scooter.
As my mom wrecked everything, Barry and Erica were putting the pieces back together.
Hey, can we talk for a sec? Whatever.
We just want to thank you.
What? Why? You called us out on all our B.
And it's what we needed.
My sister's pretty awesome, and it makes me insecure.
Like worrying maybe I won't make it as a doctor.
And even though he's a giant goofball, sometimes I feel the same way.
I lash out at him when, really, I should be going to him for help.
I'm gonna help her study for the LSAT.
Yeah, I kinda blew off studying because I was scared that if I tried, I still wouldn't do well.
Yeah, but we know that's not true.
I'm gonna help her crush that test.
This is great.
It's all I ever wanted.
Well, here's something else.
For your courageous work above and beyond the call of duty.
You're our hero, Geoffrey Schwartz.
This is so thoughtful.
I, of course, need to return this because it's stolen property, but - Of course.
- We gave you a chore.
With Geoff's help, Erica and Barry realized they didn't need to be rivals.
Now I wanted to do the same for my mom and Charlotte.
Oh It's you.
Adam said he wanted to talk to us together.
Pops used to say, "Nobody's perfect.
"But that doesn't mean we should ever stop trying to be.
" And I think when it came to dealing with you two Well, he finally proved that he wasn't perfect either.
Even though he was as close as anyone could be.
He should've introduced you guys.
It might've been hard, but I know it would've worked out.
And now that you're both here, maybe you can do what he couldn't.
Why don't you and Brea head to the beach? Charlotte and I could use some time to get to know each other.
If that's okay with you.
I would like that.
And, Adam, thank you.
You remind me more and more of him every day.
It's strange the things we can be afraid of.
Or how our own family might react when we admit that we need them.
But in the end, it almost always turns out better than we fear.
And by being open and honest, our lives get a little richer.
Because we share them with the people we love.
I think it's important we all master the Heimlich maneuver.
That's actually not a bad idea.
Saving lives.
Sign me up.
Where do we start? With you.
- You're gonna be our dummy.
- Wait, what? Harder thrusts, Geoff.
There ya go, that looks kinda right.
It's way wrong, but I love that commitment.
Yeah! At least it's all over and we're all more knowledgeable about medicine.
Nah, if anything, we went backwards.
Going again.
Catch him before he gets to the door.

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