The Golden Girls (1985) s02e05 Episode Script

Hi, Ma.
What are you watching? I don't know.
One of those Steven Spielburger movies.
That's not a Steven Spielberg movie.
What are they doing? You know.
We had that talk when you were 12.
Ma, I can't believe this.
You rented a dirty movie? Dirty is in the eye of the beholder.
OK, maybe that's a little dirty.
I cannot watch any more of this.
Hi.
Wrong button.
That's fast forward.
Oh, my.
What are they doing? I know what they're doing, but I never saw it at that speed.
It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm.
- That's reverse, Dorothy.
- I did that once.
It was his birthday.
Ma, we did not get a VCR so you could watch dirty movies.
I'm 81, what are you worried about? That I'll find someone to do that with? - When's Jean coming? - She's left the airport.
I hope she has a good time.
It was so tough for me after Charlie died.
She's getting better every day.
How long were Jean and Pat married? They were together eight years.
Poor thing.
I wish there was something I could do.
I know.
I'll make my famous ice-cream clown sundaes.
The ones with little raisin eyes and sugar-cone caps.
If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm nervous about Jean.
She's very special.
I don't know if she'll get along with Blanche and Rose.
- Because she's a lesbian? - Oh, Ma, she's not a lesbian.
What an absurd thing How did you know? I've known since you two were in college together.
She didn't even know in college.
- How did you know? - A mother knows.
Should I tell Rose and Blanche? Jean is a nice person.
She just likes girls instead of guys.
Some people like cats instead of dogs.
I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat.
Unless a lesbian sheds.
That I don't know.
- Jean.
- Dorothy.
Oh, honey, it is so good to see you.
Sophia.
You haven't aged a bit.
You look great.
You were always a terrific girl.
Dorothy, why can't you be more like Jean? Scratch that.
- Where are your roommates? - Jean, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I don't know how to phrase this.
The lesbian thing.
Do you keep it under your hat, or what? Ma.
Jean, do you? - I mean - I know what you mean.
You didn't say Pat was a woman.
They just assumed Pat was your husband.
I wanted to check with you before I told them.
Dorothy, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of who I am.
You know your friends better than I do.
If you think they can handle it, I'd prefer to tell them.
Here we are.
Ice-cream clowns with hats for everybody.
It'll be our little secret.
Hi, Jean.
I'm Rose.
Nice to meet you, Rose.
- Ice-cream clown sundae? - Jean will be here for a week.
Let's not have all the really big fun right away.
Oh, Blanche, this is my friend Jean.
- I'm so glad to meet you, Jean.
- Me too, Blanche.
I've heard so much about you, I feel like we're bosom buddies.
Ma, not a word.
We're gonna have such fun.
I know the best restaurants, - the best clubs, the best men.
- Blanche.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that insensitive of me? Maybe you're not ready for men yet.
You don't know the half of it.
Jean, put your suitcase in Ma's room.
Ma's gonna sleep with me.
- You wouldn't mind? - No problem.
I'll just remember when I get up at night the bathroom is to my left.
Last time we had a guest, I killed two potted palms.
So, tell me.
What do you have planned today, Jean? Nothing special.
Jean, forgive me for dwelling on the subject of men, but isn't it about time you planned something special? Oh, I couldn't.
Oh, come on.
Of course you could.
Believe her, Blanche, she couldn't.
I couldn't even think of another man for years after my husband died.
That's exactly why you have bad muscle tone.
Let me know if you change your mind.
I haven't eaten a breakfast like this since I left the farm.
Really? You were raised on a farm? - Until I was 17.
A dairy farm.
- Whoa.
A dairy farm? Just like me.
Did you hear that? Jean was raised on a dairy farm.
Why didn't you tell me Jean was raised on a dairy farm? I was afraid it might be too much excitement for you.
- Did you help with the milking? - Oh, yes.
Until we got a milking machine.
Thank goodness for the milking machine.
Hard as it is to leave, - I have to get ready for work.
- Yes, me too.
I can be in late today.
- Would you come to a matinee? - That sounds great.
I remember when we first got our milking machine.
I hooked Molly up to it and she dropped like a rock.
- Oh, no.
- She wasn't electrocuted.
After that, she was no good for milking.
But she became the most popular cow during mating season.
I do love the rain so.
It reminds me of my first kiss.
Your first kiss was in the rain.
No, it was in the shower.
Sophia.
Where have you been? I thought you were taking a nap.
- I went to the video store.
- I told you I'd go.
Forget it.
The last time you brought back Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.
You know how disappointed I was that it's a musical? So, Jean and Rose aren't back yet? They're probably having lunch together again.
They certainly have hit it off, haven't they? I'm so glad.
Jean's such a lovely person.
Oh, yes, she is.
Lovely.
Dorothy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but there's something about Jean - that bothers me.
- Bothers you? Every time I suggest she go on a date, you change the subject.
Come on, Blanche, that's ridiculous.
Look.
I think the rain is beginning to let up.
Dorothy, I may be a lot of things, but naive is not one of them.
Face it.
Your friend Jean is seeing a married man.
Blanche, that is absolutely uncanny.
I wasn't born yesterday.
- Oh, my God.
What happened? - Don't worry, she'll be fine.
Of course you will, honey.
That phoney hair colour won't come out just cos it got wet.
It's not that.
We saw Love Story and Terms Of Endearment.
It was the Cry Me A River matinee at the Rialto.
I'll be back.
I want to change, then I'll make us some tea.
Blanche, would you mind if I spoke to Dorothy privately? Mind? Why, of course not.
And listen, don't you worry, your secret is safe with me.
Dorothy, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave today.
Because of Blanche? No, nothing to do with Blanche.
Something unexpected has come up.
- Back home? Is it serious? - It's not back home, but it is serious.
I haven't met anyone as good and decent as Rose since Pat died.
And I think I'm falling in love.
Not tonight, Salvadore, I've been cooking all day.
Ma, it's me.
It's Dorothy.
Oh, Dorothy.
The way your elbow was poking me, I thought it was your father sneaking up on me.
I'm sorry, Ma.
Go back to sleep.
- Ma - Is it morning already? No.
- I want to ask you a question.
- What? How would you react if you were told one of your kids was gay? Your brother Phil is gay? I knew it.
As a kid, we couldn't keep him away from gladiator movies.
Ma, Phil is not gay.
You mean you're gay? Is Jean having a membership drive? - Ma - Dorothy, I know you don't get many dates, but stick with what you know.
At your age, it's hard to break into something new.
- Good night.
- Ma.
I am not gay.
I just wanted to get your reaction.
I'll tell you the truth, Dorothy.
If one of my kids was gay, I wouldn't love him one bit less.
I would wish him every happiness.
You're the greatest mother in the world.
And I love you.
Fine.
Now keep your fat mouth shut so I can get some sleep.
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Ma, come on.
It's not funny.
The hell it's not.
Jean in love with Little Miss Muffet? Come on.
What is going on? Nothing.
Come on.
I heard you laughing.
What's so funny? For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
Ma.
What's funny about that? - You aren't surprised? - Of course not.
I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one? Not Lebanese, Blanche.
Lesbian.
Lesbian.
Lesbian.
Lesbian? But isn't that where one woman and another We already know what it means.
Jean's very attractive.
She could have any man she wants.
- She doesn't want them.
- Well, why not? A man has so much more to offer, you know? I found that out when Mark Perper ran for Class President in the third grade.
What? His slogan was "Vote for me, I'll show you my wee-wee.
" He won by a landslide.
Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex.
But if that makes her happy, that's fine by me.
Jean's in love with Rose.
Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I do not believe it.
- I was pretty surprised myself.
- Well, I'll bet.
To think Jean would prefer Rose over me? That's ridiculous.
Blanche, please.
If you had to pick me or Rose, who would you pick? Blanche, pull yourself together.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Does Rose know? - No.
Oh, good.
You shouldn't tell her.
After all, she's not as worldly about these things as I am.
If she hears Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.
- Bless you.
- Stop blessing her.
She shouldn't have run around in the rain for dirty movies.
- I'm going to bed.
- Me, too.
I'll call it a night.
Don't sleep in the same bed as Sophia.
- You could get that cold.
- You're right.
Ma, take your own room.
Jean can sleep in my room.
You're letting a sick, old woman sleep in her own bed? Bless you, warden.
I wouldn't mind sleeping here on the sofa.
That lumpy thing? No.
You're sleeping in my room.
I think I'll retire too, to do my facial packs and compresses.
It takes me an hour, but that's why my skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
That must explain the urge I sometimes have to diaper your head.
- Want to play a few more hands? - Sure.
Staying up like this playing games reminds me of my teenage slumber parties.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'll never forget my first slumber party.
We all fought over who had the cutest date for the prom.
- I never got to go to the prom.
- You're kidding.
Why? Well, I really wanted to go with Delbert Twitchell.
He was the most gorgeous boy at our school.
And he was captain of the Precision Combine Drill team.
Actually, I was so sure Delbert was going to ask me, I turned down a foreign exchange student, Cyril Mountbatten.
Daddy didn't like Cyril anyway, cos he was British.
Daddy said the relationship would never work out, on account of the language barrier.
Daddy was a very caring and ignorant man.
Finally, it got to the day before the prom and Delbert still hadn't asked me.
So, I marched across a crowded cafeteria, stared him straight in the eye and said, "Delbert, what gives?" He said, "Jenny McCoy.
That's why I'm taking her to the prom.
" The first year after Charlie died was the hardest.
I'd lie awake for hours.
I could not get used to sleeping alone.
Then I took the extra pillows and shoved them under the covers to lie next to them.
It didn't really feel like Charlie, but sometimes it helped me fall asleep.
I'll have to try that.
Oh, it can't be two o'clock.
It is.
Oh, I'd better let you get some sleep.
- Good night, Rose.
- Good night.
Oh, Jean.
With it this late, don't wake Dorothy.
- Stay in my room tonight.
- Well, I suppose that makes more sense than waking Dorothy.
Good.
By the way, you're not a cover hog, are you? - No.
- Good, cos I am.
Rose, are you awake? Rose? Am I hogging the covers? Oh, no, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Rose, I want to tell you something.
If I don't say it, I'll never get to sleep.
What? I like you very much, Rose.
I like you too, Jean.
I think you're very special.
I think you're special, too.
What I really want to say is, I I'm quite fond of you.
I'm fond of you, too.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Blanche, have you seen Jean? - No.
I wonder where she could be.
Did she say anything when you got up? - She never came to bed.
- Maybe she stayed with Sophia.
Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night? There are a lot of things I want to try before I die, but that's not one of them.
Then she must have stayed in Rose's room.
My God.
You don't suppose Jean would ever you know? Listen, Blanche.
I do not believe for one moment that anything other than gin rummy happened between Rose and Jean last night.
Dorothy? Something terrible happened.
Oh, God.
If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Sophia, Blanche, would you excuse us? You don't want to talk to me? Thanks, but it really involves Dorothy's friend.
We're going, we're going.
OK, Rose, what is it? - It's about Jean.
- What about Jean? I don't want to shock you, Dorothy, but Jean I know.
Jean is gay.
You know already? - How about Blanche? - No, Blanche is not gay.
I don't mean that.
I mean, she knows? - And Ma.
- You told everybody but me? I didn't even know if you'd know what a lesbian was.
I could have looked it up.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
I guess I underestimated you.
That's not important.
I've got a problem.
I like Jean.
I like her a lot.
But I think she's in love with me.
- She told you? - Well, not in so many words.
But I knew what she meant.
Unless I'm wrong, Dorothy.
You know I'm wrong about so many things.
You're not wrong about this.
Dorothy, what am I gonna do? Dorothy, I Oh, hi, Rose.
What's with the suitcase? I decided I do have to go.
- But you were going to stay - Dorothy, would you mind if I spoke with Jean? No.
Fine.
Go ahead.
I'm going.
I'm going.
- Want a cup of coffee? - Maybe I will have a coffee.
Rose, about last night.
I should never have said anything.
You only said what you were feeling.
It's just that this last year has been so difficult for me.
Pat was the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with.
And when she died, I just felt so terribly alone.
Empty.
I thought I could never care for anyone again.
Until I met you.
I just got very confused.
I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable.
Well, I have to admit, I don't understand these kinds of feelings.
But if I did understand, if I were, you know, like you, I'd be very flattered and proud that you thought of me that way.
Thank you, Rose.
I guess that's all I had to say.
Except you don't have to go.
Unless you think our friendship alone isn't enough.
It's enough.
This isn't what it looks like.
I know, I was listening at the door.
Why were you listening at the door? Because I'm not tall enough to see through the window.