The Golden Girls (1985) s02e06 Episode Script

Big Daddy's Little Lady

Morning, Ma.
Working on the crossword puzzle? Nope.
Just lining up a few dates.
Let's see.
Maria Malanero, survived by her husband Tony Malanero.
You're getting dates out of the obituaries? That's sick.
It is not sick.
It's practical.
Life is for the living.
Maria's loss is my date for the Early Bird Special.
Dorothy, this is unbelievable.
Look at this.
Heart surgeon turns out to be produce manager at A&P.
Further over.
Miami retailers to sponsor songwriting contest? The Miami retailers are awarding $10,000 to the person who comes up with the best new song about Miami.
- $10,000? - That's right.
I'm gonna enter.
You? I have written songs before.
I wrote the fight song for our high school.
Onward, St Olaf.
They still sing it.
Onward, St Olaf Onward we go Onward and onward St Olaf's go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go Rose, Rose, I tell you Honey, it's a catchy tune, but who wrote those lyrics? I did.
Lyrics aren't even my strong point.
I just got lucky that one time.
You're going to have to get a lot luckier than that to win that $10,000.
Rose, I have to confess, I dabbled a little in poetry-writing in high school.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of tall girls who couldn't get dates wrote poetry in high school.
No, I meant that for $10,000 I might try my hand at lyric-writing.
I mean, maybe we could team up.
You mean, music by Rose Nylund and lyrics by Dorothy Zbornak? Why not? We could be the next Rodgers and Hammerstein.
The next Simon and Garfunkel.
The next Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.
I don't know if I could get my hand that far up your dress.
But for $10,000, I'd be willing to give it a try.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Blanche.
Dorothy and I have decided to enter a songwriting contest together.
Now, that sounds like fun.
I always wanted to write a song.
It's like writing poetry, which I was never any good at.
Only the tall girls who couldn't get dates wrote poetry.
Hello? Hello, Big Daddy.
No, no, no, she's right here.
Yeah, you take care, too.
Bye-bye, Big.
Big Daddy.
How in the world are you? I'm just fine.
How can you say I look younger and more beautiful over the telephone? No, it's true.
I just wondered how you knew over the telephone.
You're kidding.
That's great.
I'll see you Friday at four.
How exciting.
Big Daddy's going to be here on Friday.
He has a surprise for me.
I can't wait to see what it is.
Tony Malanero won't go out with me Friday night.
Ma, I'm not surprised.
His wife just died.
The man is still in mourning.
That's not the reason.
May Bloomfield beat me to him.
Did you get a chance to play around with those lyrics I gave you? Yeah.
Listen to this.
That sounds great.
Let's take it from the top.
"From the top.
" That sounds so musical.
Tickle the ivories, Rose.
Rose, play or die.
Miami is nice So I'll say it twice Miami is nice, Miami is nice Miami is n Wait a minute.
You put in an extra "Miami is nice.
" I had to, for the music's sake.
But the lyrics don't make any sense.
It goes, Miami is nice So I'll say it twice I see your point.
What about this? Miami is nice So I'll say it thrice - Who the hell says "thrice"? - It's a word.
So is "intrauterine".
But it does not belong in a song.
Miami, you're cuter than An intrauterine Here.
Rose, Dorothy, here, smell me.
I only do that with the milk, Blanche.
This is the last drop of that perfume Big Daddy gave me on my 21 st.
That was 20 years ago.
If your 21 st birthday was then, you'd only be 41.
- That's right.
- You look terrible for your age.
- Howdy, Dorothy.
- Mr Hollingsworth.
- Come in.
- Rose.
Big Daddy, let me look at you.
Let me look at you.
You're still as pretty as a ladybug sunning itself on a lily pad on a misty spring day south of Savannah.
Could you be more specific, Big Daddy? Do my eyes deceive me or do I see Sophia Petrillo standing before me? Or did you all get Sophia Loren as the new roommate? Get out the boots.
He's back.
Come on.
Sit down here on the sofa betwixt us.
- "Betwixt"? - Another word you don't know.
You don't even know the thrice of them were sitting on the couch together.
Big Daddy, what's this surprise? Tell me, tell me before I burst.
I don't know how you'll take this.
Here goes.
There's a ladyfriend I've been spending a lot of time with recently.
- Do I know her? - I don't think so.
Helen and Rooney McCoy introduced me to widow Spencer at their son's wedding a few months ago.
- I'd like to meet her sometime.
- She's coming tomorrow evening.
Just exactly what is this surprise, Daddy? Don't get too excited, but we're planning on walking down the aisle.
Is she happy or sad? I'm not sure.
She's never made that sound before.
I once heard her make that sound.
She was happy.
Daddy, I have never been happier in my entire life.
I'm glad.
I was worried how you'd react.
Nobody can ever replace Momma in my heart, but the important thing is for you to be happy.
- I wish you all the best.
- I hope you two will be happy.
I'll throw you and the widow Spencer the best wedding ever.
We hate fuss.
We're getting married in the Bahamas.
No, a Hollingsworth has to get married in style.
I don't want to impose.
No, let's have the wedding here.
We'll even write a song for the occasion.
No, we won't, Rose.
- Daddy, please.
- All right.
I never could say no to you.
Hello? That's too bad.
A tragedy.
A terrible tragedy.
May she rest in peace.
Great news.
Theresa Lombardi passed away.
Ma, what's so great about that? Her husband Freddy, he has nothing to do, and neither of us has seen Ruthless People.
Do you have a minute? We've been up all night working on a song.
I think we might've hit on something.
M-l-A, another M-I M-l-A-M-I spells "Miami Beach" Girls.
It stirs emotion Girls.
It's by the ocean Girls.
So bring your suntan - Girls.
- What? M-l-A-M-I don't spell "Miami Beach".
That spells "Miami".
- I told you not to add "Beach".
- Fine, fine.
You find something to rhyme with "Miami", hotshot.
Mammy! Whammy, clammy, Alabamy, hootenanny, salami.
"Hootenanny" is marginal, and I refuse to accept "salami".
I have to go put up some coffee.
I'm expecting that lady from the caterer's.
I don't want to be a bad hostess.
"Salami", please.
I never had this trouble when I worked alone.
When you worked alone, you could only rhyme "go" with "go".
- Hello.
- Please come in.
You must be from the catering company.
Actually, I'm from Atlanta.
I'm Margaret Spencer.
What a coincidence.
Blanche's father is marrying a Margaret Spencer from Atlanta.
Only she's much older.
I think.
What do you think, Dorothy? I'm just getting so excited about Big Daddy's wedding.
- Hello.
I'm Blanche Devereaux.
- Blanche, this is I'd like you to meet Say hello to Big Mommy.
I'm sorry I'm so early.
Traffic wasn't what I expected.
The important thing is, you got here safely.
It's so good to finally meet you, Blanche.
Your father's told me so much about you.
- I wish I could say the same.
- Margaret, please, sit down.
We ought to get her a booster seat.
- Can I get you a drink? - Chocolate milk? So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.
That's right.
That child is trying to steal my Daddy away.
She's no better than a tick on a slow-moving dog.
Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives? I'll get it.
Lovely city.
Have they rebuilt it since it burned down in Gone With The Wind? Big Daddy.
I'm glad you're here.
I see you're getting acquainted.
Hi, darling.
We need to talk.
Rose, let's show Margaret how you make the hose dance around when you turn it on full blast.
You said I couldn't do that anymore.
Today's a special day.
She makes it all twirl around.
It's such fun.
What do you think of Maggie? - Does it matter? - Of course it does.
All right, then.
I'll be frank.
- She's a gold-diggin' hussy.
- You watch your tongue, missy.
That woman is too young for you.
She's practically my age.
I'm not ashamed to love a younger woman.
- Why keep it a secret? - I didn't.
I didn't think age mattered to you.
Daddy, this is wrong.
You're just making a fool of yourself.
As long as the Good Lord keeps me on this earth, I'm your father.
Don't you ever call me a fool.
Daddy, just please call off this wedding.
Once, in grade school, I crossed a rutabaga and a potato, but I couldn't decide whether to call it a "rutatato" or a "potatobaga".
Yeah, you'll have to excuse Rose.
That hose dance brings up a lot of childhood memories.
Can I please speak to you in private? Blanche, this conversation is over.
Margaret, we're leaving.
She's not for you.
You're just dragging our family name through the mud.
Blanche, I've always given you my love and respect.
If you can't give a little back, you're no longer a part of our family.
We're doing great.
The song will be fine.
We just need a rhyme for "orange".
What rhymes with "orange"? - Cheesecake? - "Orange cheesecake".
"Orange cheesecake".
I suppose that could work.
I meant to eat, Rose.
- Why are you not at the piano? - We're blocked.
I've been having good luck with Tank, immediately followed by a granola bar.
- How are you doing? - I feel terrible.
I'm a wreck.
All I can think about is Big Daddy and that woman.
Cut me some cheesecake.
Why are you getting so upset? You see older men with younger women all the time.
It's very common.
Look at John Derek and Ursula Andress.
John Derek and Linda Evans.
John Derek and Bo Derek.
You know, maybe it's not so common.
Maybe it's just one guy.
If older men knew how ridiculous they look with younger women, - they wouldn't do it.
- They don't see it that way.
In a restaurant the other night, a man of 60 walked in wearing four gold chains and his shirt open to his navel.
I thought people were staring at the scars to his bypass surgery.
They were staring at the 22-year-old blonde on his arm.
Honey, he was not embarrassed, he was proud.
Maybe he was out with the woman he loved.
Please, Rose.
There was a 40-year age difference.
What could they possibly have in common? Girls, love has no definition, no boundaries.
Age has nothing to do with it.
Sometimes two people who seem to have the least in common turn out to be the most in love.
That was the case with OIlie Stettlenmeier and Molly-Jane Doe.
OIlie and Molly? Must we take yet another trip to Petticoat Junction? OIlie was the mayor and our town's most respected citizen.
He was also Artistic Director at the St Olaf Community Playhouse.
A lot of people don't know this, but the family drama Hey, That's My Tractor started right there.
Wasn't the musical version called Hey, Hey, That's My Tractor? Anyway, during the auditions, the first woman who walked through that door was Molly-Jane Doe, the town manicurist.
For five extra dollars, she'd buff more than your nails.
Five dollars? It was during the Depression.
In Italy, for five dollars you got a woman, a manicure, a cappuccino and a box of cookies for your wife.
- A fact.
Use it as you wish.
- It was love at first sight.
Nobody in town could believe that this man, who'd lived for 52 years with his mother, would fall head over heels in love with the town squeeze.
But he did.
And the next day they were married and they went on to live happily together for 25 years.
What has this to do with my father? Because nobody knows why two people fall in love, and it's really nobody's business.
He's my father.
It is my business.
I'll give those two a piece of my mind.
If you go over there angry, you'll make things worse.
I'm sorry, but I have to say what I feel.
"I have to say what I feel.
" I have to say what I feel Miami has so much appeal A great place to get a seafood meal Miami.
- Simon? - Yes, Garfunkel? - To the eighty-eights.
- Yes.
Yes? Yes, just give us something on the beach.
We'll be there on our honeymoon.
Come on in, sweetheart, door's open.
Yes, just a sea view and plenty of privacy.
- Isn't that right, darling? - No, Daddy, it isn't.
Excuse me.
I'll call you back.
I'm not sure I want to see you.
I reckon you spoke your piece already.
I've been thinking, and I think I've started to understand the reasons you're doing what you're doing.
Can I talk to you? Daddy, when a man reaches your age, he wonders who's going to be there to take care of him.
And he might even start looking for somebody to replace his first wife.
- He might.
- He might even look for ways to feel a little bit younger.
He certainly might.
But, Daddy, is that reason to get married? Just 'cause some pretty, sexy, bouncing, bubbly young thing takes an interest in you? Hell, yes.
But there's another reason.
Blanche, when you spend six months watching the person you love more than anybody else slowly die, you wonder if you'll ever love again.
After that, believe me, if you can even think of marrying someone else, there's only one reason.
You're in love.
I know Momma's dying hurt you quite a bit.
Yes, it did.
But I'm talking about Margaret.
Her husband died two years ago, shortly after your momma.
- I didn't know.
- She loves me and I love her and we want to get married.
Sorry, Daddy.
I'm trying to help you and it turns out you don't need me.
No, that's not true.
The reason we came down here in the first place is because we do need you and your blessing on our marriage.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I was just leaving.
I want to say something to you first.
What is it, Blanche? Looks like you and I have more in common than we thought.
We both love Big Daddy and want him to be happy, so welcome to the family.
Sophia, here's a postcard from Big Daddy and Margaret.
They're having the time of their life in the Bahamas.
The big news is, he lived through the wedding night.
People in their seventies and eighties can have great sex.
Yeah, with people in their seventies and eighties.
Put me in a bedroom with Tom Cruise and you'd be peeling me off the ceiling.
According to Big Daddy, he still has both his feet on the ground.
I gotta say, you handled it better than I thought you would.
I'm not thrilled, but as long as they're in love and I don't have to call her Mommy, I can live with it.
How did you do? - We came in second.
- Terrific.
What did you get? Treated badly.
They told us to get out of the way when they took the winner's picture.
Photos and judges.
I'd love to hear your song.
- Forget it, Blanche.
- The experience was painful.
- Please.
- We want to forget it.
- Please.
- Hit it, Rose.
I have to say what I feel Miami has so much appeal A great place to get a seafood meal Miami Miami, Miami You've got style Blue skies, sunshine White sand by the mile When you live in this town Each day is sublime The coldest of winters Are warm and divine Miami, Miami You've got style Blue skies, sunshine White sand by the mile There's more clubs and nightclubs All within reach Dance the samba till morning Then lie on the beach Each view is a postcard Each day a great time The cream of the crop It's the top of the line Miami, Miami You've got style Blue skies, sunshine White sand by the mile Miami You've got style.

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