The Golden Palace (1992) s01e10 Episode Script

Marriage on the Rocks, with a Twist

1 ooh-ooh-ooh thank you for bein' a friend travel down the road and back again your heart is true you're a pal and a confidante and if you threw a party invited everyone you knew you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network, And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship Oh! I still cannot believe that we got bill and milton To do their live radio broadcast from our hotel.
It's going to give us so much publicity.
With business as slow as it's been, we need it.
How does it look? Oh, it looks just fine.
Back to the kitchen now.
What, that's it? No thanks, no gratitude? You get me hot and sweaty, work me like crazy, Then send me away? I feel like one of your dates.
You'll want to run back to the arco station And brag to your buddies.
No, good.
I can't wait to see you, mom.
This is great.
This is terrible.
My parents are coming and I think dad has bad news.
What makes you think so? He called me roly.
Well, so? Last time he called me roly, He said I'd been cut from little league.
How come the coach didn't say? He was the coach.
What do you think it is this time? Taffy's dead.
Who's taffy? Our dog.
[gasps] Your parents would fly here To tell you a dog died? It wasn't just a dog, blanche.
It was part of our family for 14 years.
So, what do you think she died of? She was a smoker, rose.
Old age! I said we had her 14 years.
Sarcasm, roly? Maybe that's why daddy didn't want you on the team.
O.
KThere you go.
Thank you, very much.
Thank you, very much.
Hi, guys.
Hi! I'm chuy.
How are you doing? This is sophia.
Hi, sophia.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
You guys are the funniest.
I always wondered why you're not on tv.
Although, now I know.
Are you going to do one of your practical jokes For incredibly stupid people? I love that bit! We haven't done that in a long time.
The last time we did that stunt, Milt had a little mishap.
According to bill here, some tranquilizers Don't work on some alligators.
Here we go again.
We pulled him off you, didn't we? You tied live chickens to my feet! It was funny, wasn't it? I lost a toe! We found it! Well-- It's a shame you don't do those jokes, Because I know the perfect victim.
Really? But the stuff we did was so outrageous.
We could do the penn and teller bit, though.
Are you sure this person is stupid enough To fall for one of our practical jokes? Oh, no! No! No-- You're going to have to trust me on this one.
I'll show you where to set up.
Whoo-oo! Roland, the hotel is beautiful! Son, I'm impressed.
Well, I tried to create an atmosphere of class and dignity.
Hold that elevator, please! No! No! No! No! Oh Hee.
Shouldn't you call the owners and tell them There's a crazy woman loose in the hotel? Actually, that is one of the-- I'm going to go make that call.
First, show us to our rooms.
We want to clean up before eating.
How long do we do this? Do what? Act like nothing's wrong.
You came with bad news, what is it? I'm sorry.
We didn't want to say on the phone.
Go ahead.
I think I know.
Roland, promise you won't take this too hard.
You're so easily upset.
Stop treating me like a child.
I'm an adult.
Say it.
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
You and mommy are going to do what? I know it's a shock.
The marriage has been over for years.
It's time to stop pretending.
Pretending? You two need each other.
Roland, we've been unhappy for at least 20 years.
2o years? Yes.
Unhappy for 20 years of your life? I'm afraid so.
So what's another 20? Roly-- No, don't roly me.
You just blurted this out.
You didn't even prepare me or anything, pop.
You didn't say sit down.
I thought you came to tell me taffy died.
At least I was wrong about that.
Sit down, son.
We're back! We're broadcasting live from the golden palace hotel, Talking to one of its owners.
The witty, vivacious, and, might I add, Lovely blanche devereaux.
Blanche, say hello to our listeners.
[purring] hello.
Oh-ho.
Blanche, can we ask some personal questions? Not at all, bill.
Tell us, as a transvestite, Do you find that it's Harder running a business in conservative miami? I beg your pardon.
I am not a transvestite.
I'm sorry, transsexual! I always get you guys mixed up! You know, I get them mixed up, too, Especially after a few beers.
Wait a minute.
Listen.
I am a woman, And I was born a woman.
Oh, you mean woman--trapped in a man's body.
Same old story.
Tell us about the operation.
They say sometimes when a man has his leg amputated, He can still feel the leg.
Yeah, they want to wiggle their toes, you know? Yeah.
Ha.
Did you ever want to wiggle your toe, blanche? Oh! I-- Or do you keep your toe in a jar? I know mine is.
Listen! My name is blanche devereaux.
I'm a woman.
I've always been a woman.
There must be somebody out there who's slept with me.
Oh, rose! How about a nice round of applause For our guest, mr.
Blanche devereaux.
Right here.
Well, thank you, thank you.
What the hell, attention's attention.
Well, I see by my watch, It's time for a little audience participation.
We'll try an old favorite called, "have a little faith.
" I love it.
We'll need a volunteer.
Anybody want to play? What are you waiting for? Raise your hand.
I don't think so.
Why should I let them make me look like a fool? What do I get? As a prize, we'll be giving away these three magic beans.
Oh! Oh! Oh, we have a volunteer! Come over here, sweet thing.
Tell us your name.
Rose--rose nylund.
Hi, rose-rose nylund.
How are you? That's catchy.
To win these beans, you have to answer three trivia questions.
How are you on farm trivia? I'm great on farm trivia! I used to live on a farm.
Isn't that a coincidence? Absolutely! - Absolutely! Boy, this will be easy.
And I have faith that you can do it! Don't you? I'd be willing to bet my life on it.
I'll take that bet.
O.
K.
, boys! [fanfare plays] Ooh! - Ooh! Yes, sir! Radio listeners at home, we have a tank of water.
Now, milt, I double dare you to stay submerged in this tank of water Until rose successfully answers all three farm trivia questions.
Whew! Boy! I don't think I could pass up an opportunity like that.
Wait! Wait! How will he breathe? He can't.
That's the point.
We have faith in you to get him out in time.
What's more important than faith? Air! Air's more important! The lady may be right on that air theory-- Aw, get in there.
O.
K.
, he's in there, nicely sealed up.
O.
K.
, now let's get to question number one.
Before we get to question number one, rose, Tell us about yourself.
Where are you from? St.
Olaf! What does it matter? Just ask the questions.
All right, question number one.
What's a baby goose called? Uh, gosling! Gosling.
That's very good.
Question number two.
Pay attention.
Name a machine that you-- Tractor.
No, no.
Wait till I finish.
It's not fair unless you let me finish.
Name a machine you find on a farm.
A tractor? Yes! You're doing so well on your first time! Before we get to question three, Let's have a small commercial break.
Oh, no! No, ask the third question! O.
K.
, the third question.
Question number three Name 50 things that a farmer plants.
50! You want 50! There's a thousand.
You can rip them off like that! Let's go.
Wheat, barley, rice, cotton, corn How many is that? Let's see, you said, wheat, barley Oh, never mind! Peas! Lettuce, cauliflower, corn-- Nope! You already said corn.
Did not! Did, too! Didn't she? Yay! What does it matter? Get him out! He's going to drown! We can't change the rules unless I check with my partner.
Just a minute.
Sweetie! Honey, you want out? He loves it in there.
He's like a fish.
Go on, come on! Oh, my god! Parsnips! Turnips! Uh, yams! Sugar beets.
Watercress.
Hominy.
Marijuana.
OhOh, my god! It may be illegal, but it's a cash crop.
No, milton! Oh! Somebody call an ambulance! Quick! I'm a doctor.
Maybe I can help.
Oh! Please, anything! This man is dead.
Ahh! I have very strong hunch he drowned.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Goodbye, funny face.
You killed my partner! Milton is dead! Did you hear that, miami? Rose nylund killed my partner.
[crying] And now listen to rick james singing superfreak.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to kill him.
I-I'm a bad girl! I'm a bad, stupid girl! Sophia, this prank on rose has gone too far.
Don't be a baby.
This is horrible.
How can you do this? Rose is the sweetest woman in the world.
While you're laughing, she's probably crying her eyes out.
I see what you're saying.
I should be in there, watching that.
Sophia, I know why you did this to rose-- Because you're jealous of her-- Because you're a mean, old woman.
Ooh, gee.
When did they start teaching psychology at hamburger u.
? Sophia, I'm serious.
You've got to tell her the truth.
It's her own fault.
Even a chimpanzee would know it was a joke.
We all agree the chimp has a leg up on rose.
That's not what we're talking about.
Oh, hi, rose.
What have you got? A moth I found in my room.
I want to be sure it gets outside safely.
From now on, I'm dedicated to preserving life.
Fly, little moth.
Be free and live! [zap] Did I mention we got a great deal on a bug zapper? [crying] excuse me! Well, she's 2 for 2.
All right, that's it.
Either you tell her, or I will.
O.
K.
, I thought this practical joke Would make me laugh, but it hasn't.
It's affected me ways I didn't think possible.
You're ashamed.
No, it excited me sexually.
Sophia! I'm as shocked as you are.
Roland, I think I could really help your parents.
My husband, george, and I spent some time in marriage counseling.
I learned how to be detached and objective.
You're too emotionally involved to help.
You know what I think? I don't care what you think.
If my parents don't realize they belong together, Then I'll show them.
I don't need your help.
Well, oh Until I find a place of my own, I'll move in with roland.
Blanche, I need your help! Hey, guys, blanche wants to talk to you a second.
I want you to realize I have considerable experience In mediating problems like yours.
That's kind of you, but this is a personal matter.
Personal matters are my specialty.
Now, louise What was your first indication There might be a problem in the marriage? If you must know, it began in the bedroom.
Ho-hold! I don't want to hear them talk about this.
Fine, go in the other room.
Now, what was it, honey? Too little, too much? I'm not afraid of details.
Maybe if you'd been more passionate, I wouldn't have had guys over to watch sports.
How could I be passionate in a room of men? Actually-- Blanche! What? Look, this is crazy.
This isn't going to work.
Give this a chance.
They need a third party who's not personally involved.
George, louise, A marriage doesn't break up over one issue.
There must have been other conflicts.
Of course, louise lost our life savings gambling.
Nobody told me.
I didn't know you knew how to gamble.
Well, apparently, she doesn't.
You know, my husband and I used to play the horses.
I wouldn't gamble if you stayed home weekends.
To listen to you nag I don't make enough? We loved all those little riding crops and saddles Better a nag than a man who cries.
Even men have a change of life.
Of course, we actually never made it to the track.
He was a lusty man.
Lusty, zesty man.
Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night! Blanche! Will you stop talking about yourself? My parents have problems, very serious problems.
That's what we've been trying to tell you.
This hasn't been easy for us, either, son.
It's time we got on with our lives, And you, too.
Well, I guess it's time I accepted this.
I'm not going to like it, But if a divorce is what you guys want, Then I'm not going to stand in your way.
Thank you, baby.
You're welcome.
Not you.
Go on, sophia.
Go on, tell her right now.
Rose, I have something to tell you, And it's difficult for me.
Oh, no, more bad news? Don't tell me-- The magic beans weren't really magic? Come on, she's so easy.
Tell her now, old woman.
All right, all right.
There's something I haven't been totally honest with you about.
[gurgling] wose! Oh, wose! What was that? Aaaahh! It's him! It's milton! Why are you doing this? Why are you tormenting me? In life, you were my murderer! In death I'm yours.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Ha ha ha, stop it! Now you're killing me! Wait a minute.
I got a big finish.
Come on, wose! It's time to come with me, wose! [gunshots] Oh, no.
Rose, what have you done? It's over.
I sent him back to hell, where he belongs.
You killed him, you really killed him? Yes.
Why? Sweet mary, this is horrible.
I've got to hide.
What's wrong? What's wrong! You killed a man! I killed a ghost.
You killed a man, you idiot.
I don't understand.
It was a joke.
I pulled a joke on you.
Milton's not dead.
It was a joke.
Sophia! You took the words right out of my mouth.
Ha ha! And so ends another practical joke On an incredibly stupid person.
Did you have a good time? Oh, I sure did! How about you, sir? I am a woman, damn it.
Prove it.
How about starting off with dinner? Fine, I'm right behind you.
I can't believe how this transvestite bit works every time.
I can't believe how this dinner And I'll prove it to you bit works every time.
I don't believe this.
Rose, you knew? The whole time.
We all did.
When you went to milton and bill, they came to me.
They felt anybody as vindictive as you Deserved a practical joke.
So, who's the incredibly stupid one, now? You had this planned, Even down to the moth and the bug zapper? No, that was an unfortunate accident.
I hope you're satisfied.
This was a terrible thing to do an old lady.
It's not funny.
You really had me scared.
You really had-- Ahh! Ahhhhh! Well, they didn't buy the heart attack, But the joke's on them.
I think I broke my hip.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.