The Good Place (2016) s01e13 Episode Script

Michael's Gambit

1 And now The end is near And so I face The final curtain - Ow! What the hell? - Walk it off, Lululemon.
I'll say it clear I'll state my case Of which I'm certain I've lived A life that's full I traveled each and "Live every day like it's your last.
" Bite me.
I'ma live forever, bitch.
Ma'am? It's $132.
So, big plans this weekend? Yep.
I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
Hi there.
Do you have a second to talk about the environment? No.
Buzz off, whale-humper.
You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.
It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget you exist.
You exist.
You don't exist.
You're bothering me.
Don't care if you die.
- See? - Why are you like this? Excuse me? Why am I like this? You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.
Look what you made me do, jag-off.
- And did it my - Oh, my God, look out! - Uh-oh.
- Way [inhales sharply.]
Oh, good, you're awake.
Can I ask you a question about where we're going? Sure.
Where are we going? I forgot.
We're going somewhere that's not the Good Place, and it's not the Bad Place.
We're going to a Medium Place.
Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way? 'Cause Janet's powers aren't working, and I want some gum and some football cards and some scratchy tickets.
- Go away from me.
- Okay.
Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St.
Clair's house.
It'll be our sexy little secret.
Jason taught me about sexy things.
Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy? Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr.
ads, and sex.
Eh, some of those are right.
I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop.
The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.
[tone chimes.]
What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad.
And she belongs with us.
Oh, also, check this out.
- Nailed it.
- [tone chimes.]
I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.
What I will consider is the recent development - of Eleanor stealing my train.
- Now, hold on a second.
She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place.
She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless - [crunching.]
- No, don't oh! - What's happening? - I should have warned you.
Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.
If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon, so what we need to do now is just be very still and very quiet.
[suspenseful music.]
- Finally.
- [crunching.]
- Oh, come - What did he just say? Oh, because you're all so perfect.
[suspenseful music.]
So where does this Mindy St.
Clair live? I don't know.
I'm out of range of our neighborhood.
I don't have any - of my normal abilities here.
- Perfect.
Well, let's try this way.
Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.
Now I'm bored.
Walking is dumb.
[light music.]
[hawk screeches.]
Well, given that she's the only person in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl Oh! She's naked! - [screams.]
- Oh, sorry! - [screams.]
- [yells.]
- [screams.]
- [yells.]
Who are you? I'm Janet.
Hello, Mindy.
My name is Beadie.
I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day - in the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant? - That's not possible.
- Congrats.
Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing.
I mean, I still think we should get you They didn't, but neither did we.
A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself.
You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
We got you your favorite beer.
Yeah, but it's always warm.
On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions.
Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner.
It's deeply terrible.
You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
- Welcome to the Medium Place.
- So what's up? What's your deal? Are you single? - What's going on? - [static crackles.]
Sorry about before.
One of the perks of living alone is that I get to just walk around naked.
My kind of gal.
And I gotta say, you keep it tight.
Oh, that is the nicest and only thing anyone has said to me in 30 years.
So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do - to end up here? - That's kind of a long story.
- Gonna need a drink or three.
- Definitely my kind of gal.
You guys have fun.
This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.
So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s.
I only cared about making money and doing cocaine.
One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life.
So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
- You were pretty coked-up, huh? - Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high.
It was so awesome.
But you're not gonna believe this I followed through.
Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start - that charity.
- Good for you! And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.
- Ooh - Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me [chuckles.]
'Cause I love cocaine.
Do you have any? I'm just I shouldn't Do you? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I was just I was just kidding.
It was just a joke.
I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now? - Are you okay? - Anyway, so after I died, uh, my sister found my plan, and she used my money to start the Mindy St.
Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah.
It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.
Oh, so the question was, did you get credit for all those good person points or not? Exactly.
I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever, but when I woke up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time.
Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.
But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know? Well, it beats being tortured.
I was about to turn myself in.
Yeah, there's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
This is about survival.
You gotta look out for number one.
Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
Oh, I know you've only worked here a few weeks, but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in, and then we Yeah, no, I get it.
It's just, I know what kind of cake I like.
Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake, that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats you all are wearing right now.
No, thanks.
This way, I don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything.
What were we talking about? What is her deal? Why is she like this? I don't know, but the meaner she is, the more it turns me on.
Is that weird? - You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again, but more disgusted with me, like I'm a worm.
Eleanor was supposed to be in the Bad Place, arrived here by accident, assumed another person's identity, and has now escaped.
Is that the whole story? Well, no.
Someone else was sent here by mistake.
His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor.
- You knew about Jason? - Yes, I know that he's a fake and that he's married to Janet and that this entire neighborhood is What's the human expression? Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.
I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.
For now, I will hear your arguments for why Fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay in the Good Place.
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless.
I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right? Begin.
Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics.
I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement.
Eleanor is a magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here.
Please, I'm begging you, please.
Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place proves that she is a selfless person.
I'm getting choked up.
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself and heading to the Bad Place would be a point in her favor.
However, I've just received word that Eleanor is not currently in the Bad Place.
We have no idea where she is.
- Well, what the - What? - Fork! - [crunching.]
I will now review Eleanor's memories.
Her memories? As in, all the things - she's done on Earth? - Mm-hmm.
But perhaps we could take a little break first.
You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good.
Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At" or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"? [melancholy music.]
[door closes.]
Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something? Uh, no, I kind of have my own private time routine.
I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.
- No.
- Okay, I get it.
Hey, uh, where did you get that? That's not one of my books.
I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains, and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography.
My friend in the Good Place gave it to me when he was teaching me ethics.
It reminds me of him.
Look, if you wanna survive, you have to forget what you left behind.
Take that whole experience, crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can.
Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of "Cannonball Run II.
" Or maybe "The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.
'" Wow.
Very medium.
Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet? No.
We tried for two hours, but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other.
It was weird.
[speaking Spanish.]
[air horn blares.]
This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch.
It's my 24th birthday! What! Hot tiara, girl.
[air horn blares.]
That was "The Crashing and Subsequent Destruction of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera.
" Let's move on to another event.
"Heckling of Mall Santas"? "Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"? "Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.
Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission to speak somewhat emotionally? Ugh.
Helps with the nausea.
Okay, look, I know, obviously, these memories aren't great.
I was particularly disturbed by "Started Fire in Mailbox to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt," but that was the old Eleanor.
She changed.
She worked and she studied and she got better.
And it wasn't just self-preservation, it was real self-improvement.
I made the decision to help Eleanor that first week, and I'm glad I did.
Because she's worth it.
I, too, helped Eleanor.
Not as much as Chidi, surely, but my help was more friendship and sorely needed fashion advice.
Eleanor deserves to stay.
Thank you for these testimonials.
A ruling has been reached.
Oh, you want to hear it.
I forgot how needy humans are.
[clears throat.]
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.
The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth.
She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
- Oh! - As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
No, but how do you intend to enforce this ruling? You have no idea where they are.
Bad Janet? - [tone chimes.]
- What's up, fork nuts? Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
[electronic warbling.]
What if you're here, and I'm like this? Yes, that may work.
[beeping, electronic blaring.]
Whoa, what is happening? Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow? Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza.
This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity.
My name's Shawn.
We do not know where you are but hope you are receiving this message.
You have been found to be the rightful property of the Bad Place.
Either return to your original neighborhood, or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye and Tahani Al-Jamil will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
- What? - What? You have four hours.
Your Honor, please, Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.
They are not completely innocent.
They told me so themselves.
They aided and abetted two criminals, one of whom was a DJ.
They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to the Bad Place? We're off the hook, this is amazing! Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long.
We don't have to go back, though.
- they just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.
- We literally owe it to them.
- If they're really our "friends," then why aren't they here with us right "now"? Because we ran away.
Are you Does your brain work, actually? Do you have a functioning head? I think he has a good point.
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
How can you say that? Think practically here.
Okay, you go back, you turn yourself in, you get sent to the Bad Place, and you never see your friends again.
Or you stay here, you're safe from the Bad Place, and you never see your friends again.
It's the same results, except if you stay here, you don't get tortured.
- But they do.
- That's their problem.
Your problem is whether you get tortured.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's my masturbating time.
When isn't it? We're going back.
- But - Now.
[dramatic music.]
Can we even make it there in time? I believe so, though it'll be close.
- Where's Jason? - Heads up! Sorry, Eleanor, but I can't let us leave.
[slow motion.]
Bortles! [dramatic music.]
No! [clink.]
What are you doing, you goon? Trying to blow up the train.
Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on Earth.
Let me try again.
Do do you have another bottle? Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
- Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.
I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
- That's what you think hell is? - Ugh.
Janet, please, we have to go.
I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay.
I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Buddy Come on, we gotta go.
I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.
It's scary, like the movie "Ratatouille.
" - What? - Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff.
I'm scared too.
But we can't just abandon our friends and let them take the fall for us.
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.
We'd just go back to Mindy's house, chill out I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
Me and Janet keep trying to solve the problem of how to have sex, which could take years.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear the Janet walkie-talkie message.
No, it's time to own up, dude.
I spent my whole life acting like Mindy, me first, no matter what, and it literally took dying and being around a bunch of good people to realize that I was kind of a nightmare.
Why were you like that? Well let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Ugh, your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
You mean the silverware you stole from Mom? Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.
I drove here as fast as I could.
You scored free WrestleMania tickets? There are no tickets, Mom.
I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
Ah-ha! Burn.
Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean you can disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family.
Whose birthday is it? - Mine.
- Are you serious? No way.
That was a B.
foul on Chapman.
And since you both forgot, again, which means you definitely didn't get me a present, again, I got myself something.
I just need you to sign it.
Emancipation papers? Honey! What does "emancipation" mean? It means I'll be on my own.
All my life, I've been taking care of myself and you guys.
I work two after-school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
So irresponsible.
And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.
I've been on my own for a while now anyway, and after you sign these papers, it'll be official.
I won't owe you anything; you won't owe me anything.
Well, if you want me to sign oh, that's a joint.
Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter? You're a really interesting person, Eleanor.
We should hang out sometime.
[melancholy music.]
Wow, your parents sucked.
Yeah, they did, and I've been using their crappy parenting as an excuse for my selfish behavior all my life.
No more.
We know what's right here.
We have to go back.
[beeping, train chugging.]
- [alarm chimes.]
- Time is up.
In preparation for your trip to the Bad Place, please put on these fedoras.
Oh, no.
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.
We surrender.
Chidi, Tahani, we're back to save your souls.
Real weird vibe in here.
Was definitely expecting some applause.
You're too late.
You you missed the cut-off.
But we're here.
We came here as fast as we could, and we're here.
So now what? [suspenseful music.]
What is the most logical decision? I made my initial ruling.
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.
The original perpetrators are here.
This is exhausting.
I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.
The Bad Place is owed two people.
In my opinion, which is an objective fact in this case and all cases always and forever, you have all done bad things since you arrived here, therefore I don't care which two of you go.
You can decide.
You have 30 minutes.
Uh, don't I get to weigh in? No.
I am in charge of all matters here for the next 30 minutes.
Bring me a list of the frozen yogurt flavors.
We have some work to do there as well.
[indistinct chattering.]
[phones ringing.]
[indistinct chattering.]
Morning, Mike.
How's it hanging? Oh.
Fine, Dave, just fine.
I put your mail on your desk and you have an appointment later with the Director of Point Calculations.
Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming, and the Big Guy thinks it's time for you to fly solo.
I get to design it myself? You've been an apprentice long enough.
You're ready.
Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.
Easy there, rookie.
Starting immediately, you'll be out of my department.
You'll be reporting directly to the front office.
This is your shot.
Good luck.
[ethereal music.]
All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood my first neighborhood to be perfect.
Somehow I blew it and well, you're all suffering, and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
This is truly the saddest day of my life.
[upbeat circus music playing.]
[people cheering.]
[ending fanfare.]
Okay, I guess I'll speak first.
Jason and I are the mistakes.
We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so we should go to the Bad Place.
- Agreed.
- Yes.
Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.
Hang on.
That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things.
Let's look at this ethnically.
For what I hope is the last time, it is "ethically.
" You guys helped me and Eleanor, right, but we're bad, so you helping us was bad.
It's basic consequentialism: the morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.
[claps hands.]
The one time you actually remember something from class.
Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here, I just tried to stay out of everyone's way.
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
He murdered Janet.
He killed my wife! I was trying to stop you from doing it! Yeah, but you did it.
He who smelt it murdered Janet.
Okay, well, it's settled then.
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
For the last time, my name is Jason, not Jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk.
Which is why you belong in the Bad Place.
And by the way, Janet is not your wife, or your soul mate.
There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff which almost turned out to be sex, and we were married in a legal ceremony.
It was not legal.
Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.
What? But I'm not going.
I don't wanna.
I know you don't "wanna," goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it.
Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are.
We tried to improve ourselves and you know what? We did a good job.
Well, I did a good job.
You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.
- [making fart noises.]
- I could never do that on Earth.
This place truly is paradise.
- Look at them.
- [sighs.]
Whispering away like two Beefeaters on a tea break.
I bet they're plotting against us.
No way.
Eleanor wouldn't do that.
[clicks tongue.]
You do have feelings for her, don't you? I don't know.
But no.
Please don't make me think about this again.
My brain will break.
I'm sorry, it's just that I have certain feelings for you.
You must see this.
The universe keeps intertwining our fates.
It's meaningful, don't you think? This whole romantic situation is such a mess.
I am vexed, Tahani.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to contribute to your misery, it's just that I'm frightened.
I don't have an actual soul mate.
What's gonna happen to me when Jason and Fake Eleanor go and you're off with Real Eleanor? Whither Tahani? [claps hands.]
Okay, team meeting.
Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.
- Bye, Tahani.
- [sad music.]
Sorry for everything.
After I'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.
Thank you.
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.
I will not.
It is literally impossible for me to do that.
Well, it's been real, dog.
Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.
Yeah, that checks out.
I feel like I failed you.
Don't ever think that.
I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight.
Good-bye forever.
I will miss you so much.
I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
[both sniffling.]
All right, ready to go? Let's grab Michael.
[knocking at the door.]
Come in.
Hi, guys.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm going to the Bad Place.
I've taken one of the slots.
- What? - Awesome.
I've been there, I know I can hack it.
Actually, I have kind of a rapport with some of the fire monsters.
Eleanor, that's crazy.
You belong here.
There's another reason.
Everyone here is supposed to have a soul mate, and my soul mate doesn't love me.
[sad music.]
I don't know if you love the other Eleanor or Tahani or someone else, but you don't love me, which means that this will never really be my Good Place.
I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person.
[door closes.]
Okay, that means that means that what does that mean? It means I get to stay here with my wife forever! We did it, Eleanor! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Whoo-hoo! This is so dope! I get to stay You realize if you stay, I still have to go, right? Yes, but I get to stay.
Good point, bud.
Well reasoned.
Wow, Chidi is a terrible writer.
This is a real mess, huh? No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water with your boss.
Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.
Retirement? Course, what do I know? I'm just The All-Knowing Judge of All Matters in the Afterlife.
But face it, this is your mistake.
- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
Which one's which? I always forget.
Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.
Working on your first solo design, right? How's it coming? Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all differently? I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names, come up with the design, they arrive, we move on to the next one.
We never even get to be there to see how fun it is.
Yeah, I guess, but don't rock the boat here, pal, just try to do a good job.
[playful music.]
French vanilla? Regular anti-matter's fine, why flavor it? A good job.
All right, nerds, let's just get this over with.
I'll go to the Bad Place with Real Eleanor, - and you three can stay.
- Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it! Wait, no.
You're not going.
I am.
- What? - Why? Real Eleanor is my soul mate or was my soul mate and she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her.
- Do you? - I don't know.
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
The point is, if she's going down there because of me, I'll never be at peace.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it! No, dude, this is bonkers.
I am going.
End of story.
No, I'm going.
End of everything.
What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi? No.
I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
Chidi and I are going to go together, which means that you and Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it! Look, I love you and I think you love me.
We can be together, away from everyone else.
Obviously, we'll be miserable, but I truly believe our love will make us happy.
Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not some sort of couples retreat, right? If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going! No, I'm going with Real Eleanor! No, I'm going with Chidi! Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.
- Hey, that's racist! - Not a robot.
Oh, you have some nerve.
- [all talking at once.]
- Guys? [all talking at once.]
Guys! [groans.]
[all talking at once.]
[dramatic music.]
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
What? Oh, man.
Wow! [laughing.]
Okay, okay.
Uh, whoo! Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out! Is everything okay? Right as rain, Mikey my boy.
So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.
- What? - Trust me, I've got this.
That's our decision.
Let's hit it.
Well, what about Real Eleanor? No, it's me and Chidi.
Call the train.
Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.
The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us.
It's me and Chidi.
Let's do it to it.
Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
Oh, okay.
[door closes.]
Ready when you are, boss.
Eleanor, what's going on? It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture.
" And then it hit me.
They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place.
The can't, because we're already here.
This is the Bad Place.
[dramatic music.]
[evil laugh.]
Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.
Oh, God! Y-you ruined everything, you know that? Oh, man.
Eleanor, you really suck! - [gasps.]
- I was so close to pulling it off! [groans, stammering.]
[ceramic crunches.]
So she's right? Yeah, she figured it out.
No, this doesn't make any sense.
This is paradise.
Oh, it looks like paradise, but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties.
I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me.
Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork.
" Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk, Jason tortured my because I was sure he would blow our cover, which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me, which made Chidi seem like the perfect soul mate, and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.
You don't love me? Please, don't ask me that right now.
See? We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived, and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable.
I had to be his assistant and try and find myself.
He convinced me to throw my life's work in the garbage.
He made sure I'd see those bogus neighborhood rankings because he knew I'd hate being second-to-last.
And I had the perfect bud hole and no dudes to share it with.
He played us like a fiddle.
You gotta give it up.
Oh, dip! Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.
Oh, yeah.
You did! Great job, man.
Chidi, don't go! I don't care if you don't love me, I love you.
It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world, - and I think we should stay - No, stop, Vicky.
They figured it out.
- They - They know this is the Bad Place.
Eleanor figured it out.
Man! This was supposed to be my big moment.
I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours.
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst, and you can all suck it.
Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years? The time has come to innovate.
The human afterlife can be more fun.
For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing.
Who cares about those dummies? [laughter.]
I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment.
Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable.
I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
We've tried this.
Humans are very reticent to torture each other.
Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like I can't think of the right analogy.
What makes you think that you can get them to do this? Because they won't even know that they are doing it.
I'm going to make them think that they are in the Good Place, and to make sure that they drive each other insane, I will be there, posing as a Good Place architect.
What? I even stole a Good Place Janet we can use.
Ugh! It can work.
- [scoffs.]
- Look, we can just send them all to the hot spike pits with the lava and the bees and the lightning that tears off their flesh.
Let's try something new.
Too many variables.
Too many moving parts.
That's what will make it fun.
I cannot predict everything that's gonna happen, but we'll improvise.
We'll we'll be on our toes.
It'll be exciting.
I think that we can get them to torture each other for 1,000 years.
I think you'll be lucky to get six months out of this insane gambit.
But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly? Oh.
Yes, all right, so [clears throat.]
This is a 14 million-point plan.
Um oh, sorry.
I thought we reserved the conference room.
No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.
Sorry, everyone.
So, Bambadjan and Gunnar and Shawn everyone else in this neighborhood Except for you four, everyone in this neighborhood is one of us.
After I came up with everyone's characters, we'd just create fun scenarios designed to torture you.
How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.
Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice vacation from your full-time job.
Get your story straight.
They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate, Nina a marriage counselor.
[both laughing.]
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
That's perfect, perfect! Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, guys? It's Michael! [groans.]
That was really a fun time.
Then it all started to go off the rails.
When I confessed.
You had no idea I was gonna do that, because honestly, I had no idea I was gonna do that, Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
I mean, after that it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.
You know, I definitely underestimated how effective Chidi was gonna be, teaching you to be good, and obviously, we didn't anticipate that Janet would fall in love with Jason.
Hang on.
That part is real.
Oh, yeah.
Janet isn't one of us.
No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe for all of the neighborhoods, good and bad.
And apparently, this Janet is in love with Jason.
I mean [laughs.]
What a world, huh? Wait, I don't get something.
I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani? Oh, yeah.
Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever? Uh, $60 billion, actually, so.
[playful music.]
But it didn't matter because my motivations were corrupt.
I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for.
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong, stick it to my sister, get fame and attention.
My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.
Which I did.
Couple of times, actually.
But wait, why is Chidi here? Well, uh there's something you don't know about me.
I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use - almond milk in my coffee - No, dingus! You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
[playful music.]
Oh, fork! You're right.
Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything.
I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.
I made everyone miserable.
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, you were the closest to actually getting in, up there.
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
That makes me feel worse, somehow.
Thank you, Chidi.
I really needed to hear that right now.
I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing.
This really sucks.
No, it doesn't.
This is wonderful.
You saw us all on Earth a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
But that's for another time.
You thought we would torture each other, and we did for a little, but we also took care of each other.
We improved each other, and the four of us became a team.
So, the only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.
Oh, Eleanor.
That's it! My big mistake was bringing you all together, having you be soul mates living next to each other.
Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.
- Uh, next time? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories, you know, make a few changes and start over again.
Just gotta get the boss man to sign off.
Wish me luck.
[dramatic music.]
Guys, we need a plan.
Tahani, anything? Chidi, I need ya.
You're the smart one.
I-I can't.
I-I can't.
- Jason? - What? What's up? Ugh! What do you say? Take two, huh? I don't know.
I mean, what is this? All this work for four people, and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe? I feel like a real weenie.
Look, for a first attempt it was actually very promising.
Let me let me just tinker a little, try again.
But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.
Guys, he is going to erase our memories at any second and all of this will have been for nothing.
Ugh! You're useless! [dramatic music.]
What do I write? What do I write? Ooh! Come on, brain.
Janet? You can't eat anything, right? - Correct.
- Open up.
All right, let's try again, shall we? You know what, bro? Do your worst.
We figured it out once, we can do it again, because you know what, Michael? Ya bas [chimes tinkle.]
[door opening.]
Eleanor, come on in.
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
[upbeat music.]
You know the way you feel when you see a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who've become friends? [laughter.]
That's how you're going to feel every day.
Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan, that really put you over the top, you got a ton of points for that.
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soul mate.
Bring it in, man.
So where are you from, Chris? I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey, and I was a mailman.
Really? [laughs.]
Chris, you'll stand by me no matter what, right? Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out? I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked, it's who I am.
Yeah, you gotta.
Once I'm back, we'll get to know each other.
See ya soon.
- [door closes.]
- [beep.]
- Hi there.
- [gasps.]
- Who are you? - I'm Janet.
I think this is yours.
After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
What? [dramatic music.]
What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?
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