The Good Place (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

Everything is Great!

1 In the afterlife, there's a good place and there's a bad place.
You're in the Good Place.
- [sighs in relief] - Eleanor, you are my soul mate.
Chidi, you'll stand by my side - no matter what, right? - Of course I will.
I'm not supposed to be here.
- Wait, what? - Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu.
- Boop! - Oh! - You booped me.
- I did.
His real name is Jason.
He's a drug-dealing DJ - from Florida.
- What's up, homey? The problem in the neighborhood is me.
- [all gasping] - You have all done bad things since you arrived here.
The Bad Place is owed two people.
You can decide.
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
- This is the Bad Place.
- [cackling] Except for you four, everyone in this neighborhood - is one of us.
- You saw us all on Earth a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.
You thought we would torture each other.
The only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.
That's it! My big mistake was having you be soul mates living next to each other.
Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.
I'm gonna erase your memories, make a few changes, and start over again.
Just gotta get the boss-man to sign off.
If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.
Do your worst.
We figured it out once, we can do it again.
Janet? Open up.
Because you know what, Michael? You basic You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
- Cool.
- I'm your soul mate.
You'll stand by me no matter what, right? Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out? I gotta stay jacked.
It's who I am.
- See you soon.
- Hi there.
- [yelps] - I'm Janet.
I think this is yours.
After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.
What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say fork? [suspenseful music] Okay, here we go.
Confidence, Mikey.
Project confidence.
There he is! How's it going, boss-man? Enough chit-chat.
Is everything in place - for version two? - Yup! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable, adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate.
For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.
[laughs] Diabolical.
Plus, they will all have new soul mates, of course.
You gotta trust me on this, boss.
I've thought of everything.
- I won't let you down.
- I think you will.
I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.
I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence and burned on the surface of a billion suns.
And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamy experiment will go down in history as colossal failures.
- You know, I think if - Toodle-oo.
Okay, take two, folks.
Any last questions before we start up again? - Yes.
- Just so I'm clear: we're not pairing them up this time? Correct.
Obviously, the eventual goal is to get them to torture each other, but first we're going to create some nice, individual torment.
In version one making them soul mates, we probably bit off more than we could chew.
We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them.
That's an expression, Chuck.
All right, go ahead, Vicky.
Yeah, I have some questions about my new character.
I feel like I got Real Eleanor like, I got her, you know? But this new character, "Denise" I mean, who is she? I don't get her.
Is she a quirky best friend type, or more of a femme fatale, "sexuality is her weapon of choice" type? - Both both those things.
- I have some questions about my character too.
Like - can he bite them? - No.
Okay, reminder: the most important thing tonight and this is crucial you need to get Eleanor drunk at the welcome party, so she will say and do a bunch of bad stuff.
And then we take that stuff and use it to build our chaos sequence in the morning.
For example, you remember last time, she stole all the cocktail shrimp, and we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky? See, it's those details that make her realize she's in danger of being found out.
I know that this kind of large-scale deception is not what you were trained to do.
There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths, and their stupid elbows.
You're gonna be tempted to say, "Screw it.
Can't we just go back to HQ "and do this the old-fashioned way? "Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?" And sure, sure, that sounds nice.
But it also sounds easy.
We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable.
And I I believe in you.
So, "torture" on three.
Ready? One, two, three all: Torture! - And biting! - Nope! No.
[pleasant music] Hey, lady? Can you come back? Joey? Janine? J Jaja? [scoffs] Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves? No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.
Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or what are you? A type of soup, maybe? Hi there.
I'm Eleanor.
Nice to meet you, Eleanor.
I'm Nina.
This is my soul mate, Bart.
Love it.
Love people's names and love learning all about them.
- Where are you all from? - Well, oddly enough, - I was born in Mozambique - Cool.
Listen, do you guys know if there's, like, a neighborhood phone book with everybody's name listed in it? Oh, I don't think so, 'cause, I mean, there's no phones here.
[laughs] There are no phones here? Of course.
Duh! [laughs] There's no use for 'em.
I always prefer talking to people anyway.
People are like nature's apps.
Huh.
Anyway, we're on our way to get some pizza.
Would you like to join us? Maybe we could get to know each other a little bit, - chat.
- Uh, I'm good.
I'm gonna explore a little bit.
But it was so nice to meet you Nina, and B bye-bye.
[uncomfortable string music] Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.
Chidi? Are you Chidi? [otherworldly ringing music] Eleanor? What are you up to? Oh, hey there, Michael.
Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.
- Oh! - Who was that mysterious gentleman wearing the nightgown? Oh, that's Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who never speaks.
Might be a little hard to get to know him.
[laughs] Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood.
Everyone here led a remarkable life.
But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary! Ah [chuckles] Well, it's the environment.
I mean, I loved, um mushrooms.
- I can honestly say that.
- Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood.
And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party.
You know, just to introduce yourself.
How can I say no? [laughs] Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no.
But if I can: - Michael, I'm saying no.
- Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so? Hey, you know what? I got you a little something to wear here.
Now, all the top point-getters wear these - on the first night.
- [gasps quietly] [whispering] Oh, you gotta be forking kidding me.
So, long story short, my heart is in the Pope, my liver's in the Dalai Lama, and my teeth were strung into a necklace for a child king in French Polynesia.
But it got me into the Good Place, - so can't complain.
- Wow.
Can I tell you something, - just soul-mate to soul-mate? - Hold that thought.
- I'm gonna head to the gym.
- [laughs] Oh, you're serious.
Again? Right now? Yeah.
I'll catch you later! Hey there, best person! You must be Eleanor.
I'm Jessica, the host.
- Hi.
- Michael told us all about your speech.
I can't wait to hear - what you have to say.
- Me neither, Jessica.
Me.
Neither.
Aw, don't be nervous.
Here.
- Liquid courage.
- Actually, um you know what? I think I need to keep a clear head.
Can you imagine getting drunk before giving a big speech? Getting kicked out of your niece's christening, and then, only later, once you've sobered up, realize you don't even have a niece.
It's like, who was that kid? [chuckles nervously] So, Eleanor, you were an environmental lawyer.
- That's fascinating.
- Yeah.
I know.
Just don't ask me any questions about it.
I am so sick of describing exactly what it means.
Hey, I'm headed to the bar.
Can I grab you something? How about a margarita? - No, I'm good.
- [stammers] Actually, I'm the best according to the sash.
She's still not drinking? Nope.
Something's off.
Should we - [makes chomping sounds] - No.
Keep it together.
[sighs] Ah, screw it.
Couple of quick shots [gasps softly] And then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.
Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.
[bright string music] These are for you.
Drink up.
Hi.
Is your name Chidi? - Yes? - Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.
- What? - Listen to me very carefully.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
We need to talk.
[rushing sound] [door clicks open] Chidi? Come on in.
So there really is an afterlife.
I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, and lunch with Michele Foucault, and then have dinner with Kant again, so we can talk about what came up at breakfast.
I'm sorry, Chidi all the great philosophers in history [inhales] ended up in the Bad Place.
All of my heroes are Being tortured.
Yes, I'm afraid so.
Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers.
Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to.
[chuckles] And then they smash them with hammers.
And that part is not so clever.
But the point is: Chidi, you were way better than all of them.
You're safe.
[pleasant music] No way.
Soul mates are real? They sure are.
Although, your soul-mate situation is a little unusual.
Oh, no.
I don't have one, do I? That's fine.
I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be - books! - No, no, it's not that you don't have a soul mate, it's that you have multiple soul mates.
Here.
Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person.
But in your case, the system matched you with two other people.
It's a rare occurrence, like like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong.
" So, how do you choose who I should be with? Oh, I don't choose.
You do, Chidi.
I [stammers] What? This is Angélique, Pedro, and Pevita.
According to the system, either Pedro or Chidi could be matched perfectly with either Angélique or Pevita.
So, figure it out.
Should be fun.
Cool beans.
One second, guys.
- Um, so, so, so - Yeah? Yeah, so making decisions isn't necessarily - my strong suit.
- I know that, buddy.
You you once had a panic attack at a make-your-own-sundae bar.
There were too many toppings.
And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate, and if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior-Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.
Chidi, I am so sorry.
I literally cannot choose for you.
This has to be your decision.
Buddy, you gotta trust me.
I would never place you in a painful situation.
A- Right.
Um You ready, Chidi? Here you go, Chidi.
One slice of Hawaiian, straight out the oven for you.
I'm Denise.
Welcome to my pizza place.
- Thanks, Denise.
- And here's one for you.
[dismissively] Have a nice day.
It's interesting that Hawaiian pizza is so popular here.
Yeah, I guess a lot of the residents here love it.
Kind of makes you wonder what type of pizza they have in the Bad Place, huh? [both laughing] So, I can't believe you studied in Brisbane.
We must have just missed each other.
- What was your thesis on? - Oh, gosh.
It was so boring.
It was called, "Cultural Relativism and Moral Absolutism: "An Exploration of Values As Seen Through "The Works of Alain LeRoy both: Locke and Immanuel Kant"! Shut up.
You read it? No, but that pairing is the most obvious pairing to employ in a paper with that title, - and I wanna read it so bad! - [laughing] What about Morocco? You ever travel there? [sucks teeth] No.
What about anywhere else? You been anywhere else? No.
So, first impressions? Anyone? I kind of want to hear what Chidi thinks.
Well.
Um I mean, you're both brilliant, accomplished women and Pedro, you're great too.
Just amazing people.
I'm surrounded.
Ahh! [laughs] But, if I had to say who I sort of immediately bonded to, on a gut level, I think I would say that I kind of feel like my soul mate is - Angél - Wait, wait! [panting] There was a mistake in the calculations.
We had a four-hour time gap in your profiles on May 10, 2003.
I corrected that day's events for all of you, and ran the numbers again, and the final result proves definitively that Pedro is Angélique's soul mate, and Chidi, your soul mate is Pevita.
That was close.
[laughs] [groans quietly] Hey, you guys hadn't made a decision yet, had you? No! We did not.
No one said anything.
I didn't hear anything, and I certainly didn't say anything.
That's for darn sure.
[chuckles] - [laughs] - [laughs] [both laughing] [scattered, fading chuckles] Okay.
All right.
See you later.
[classical music playing] This is fun.
It's a fun party.
There's no question about it, this is a fun situation.
Hey, you guys are here.
The fun continues nay, increases! [laughs] You two look nice.
Thanks! And you look [drawing out word] fine.
Would I say you look better than anyone else here? No, I wouldn't say that.
Do you look bad? No.
But good? Would I go as far as to say that you look good? Doubtful.
Hey, wine.
Mmm.
Do I feel like red or white? Oh, deep down in your heart of hearts, you probably already know which one you want.
Why isn't anyone talking? Janet, could you show me to the bar, please? Mm-hmm! Oh, hey! Chidi, right? Denise.
We met earlier, remember? Oh, yeah, hi.
Are you limping? Yeah, I am.
Crazy story.
See, I was a trapeze artist in an illegal circus - in Bangladesh - Angélique.
Hey.
How are you doing? Oh, well, uh [laughs] You know.
My stomach's in knots and I'm stress-grinding my teeth, and it feels like my soul is being suffocated.
You know, just your standard paradise stuff.
How about you? It's been a little uncomfortable.
I think Pedro maybe heard you say - that thing you were gonna say.
- Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
I But I have to ask.
Do you feel the way I feel? - We can't talk about this.
- Well, I know, but if the numbers were that close, Angélique, I think I'm supposed to Stop! Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.
[bright string music] These are for you.
Hi.
Is your name Chidi? - Yes? - Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.
- What? - Listen to me very carefully.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
- We need to talk.
- About what? Just shut your mouth, smile at me, and walk over here.
Okay, you're definitely my least favorite person [in pain] I've met so far.
Okay, I'm sorry, this is really not a good time.
I'm right in the middle of something.
Dude, I'm guessing we have about 30 seconds to talk before someone notices.
When I got here, some robot lady appeared out of thin air and gave me this.
- You mean Janet.
- Oh, that's it! Janet.
- Hi there.
- Not now, Janet.
- Buzz off.
- Okay.
- [short beep] - Now, I have no memory of writing this, but it is my handwriting.
And that's your name, right? So, for some reason, at some point, I put this note into that whatever-lady's robot mouth.
- You already forgot her name? - No, I didn't.
Her name is - Janet.
- Hi there.
- [gasps] Fork off! - Okay.
- [short beep] - From the second I got here, these nerds have been acting real weird, trying to get me drunk.
My soul mate ditches me every time I try to talk to him, and this Zen-master guy gave me this magic bracelet thing, and then he just ran away.
Something very strange is going on here, and the only person I trust is me, and me told me to find you.
So what's the deal? What's happening? What do you got? Uh I can't [stammers, laughs] Look, I'm I'm sorry, but none of this means anything to me, and I've got my own problems to deal with.
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Attention, everyone! [glass ringing] Speech time! I know you're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet, but if you are, please get me out of this speech.
[rushing sound] [door clicks open] Tahani.
Come on in.
You're in the good place, Tahani.
Ooh, what a surprise! [laughs] But yes, I accept.
This is your soul mate, Tomás.
Now, Tomás was a doctor with the International Rescue Alliance, and you raised money that ultimately funded his medical missions.
It's just so perfect! - Aww.
- It's lovely to meet you, - Tahani.
- Charmed, I'm short.
I'm sorry, did I just say "short"? I-I meant to say "charmed, I'm sure," of course, because I am charmed to meet you, it's just an unfortunate Freudian short.
[giggles] Shall we? So, where did you attend medical short? So, this is the living room as well as the kitchen and the bedroom.
It's so cozy.
[laughs] I feel like the walls are just hugging me.
- [laughs] - Michael, I don't mean to be rude, but this is simply absurd.
Yes, thank you.
I didn't want to say anything, but There's only two of us, and we don't need all this space.
- "All this space"? - Oh, of course.
You two humanitarians don't want anything so extravagant.
I'll just get rid of the second floor.
[magical ringing] Okay, I'll let you two have some alone time.
I will see you at the party.
Well certainly is quite quaint.
So, it's just fun.
I daresay even quite charm ah, no.
- What's the matter? - Sorry, it's just a self-portrait of my my sister.
Wonderful.
Your sister is Kamilah Al-Jamil? I used to play her music for my patients.
At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs were curing the malaria for us.
[chuckling] Great.
Well, I best be getting changed for tonight.
- Mm.
- Can hardly wear a day dress - to an evening event.
- Sounds good.
I'm ready whenever you are.
- Is that what you're wearing? - Oh, yeah.
My years treating remote villagers taught me to favor comfort over style.
But you should wear whatever you prefer.
Well, I mean as we are soul mates, perhaps I-I should also dress down.
[classical music playing] You all right, my dear? [chuckling] Yes, just not used to dressing like a plumber-ess.
Is that what you call a female plumber, or is it a toilet sweep? Or clog wench? [laughing sadly] In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
My darling, you are in the Good Place.
Relax.
Feel the breeze on your feet.
That's why Crocs have holes in them.
I'll get us a drink.
Lower that beautiful face for me, won't you? - Lower-lower-lower-lower-lower.
- Okay.
Muah! Tahani? You all right? Michael, hello! Yes, I'm having a splendid time.
Although, if I'm being honest, a few aspects of my day have been sub-optimal.
Really? Like what? [sighing] Well, my house is a bit small, which is fine, it's just not what I'm used to, and Tomás is lovely, but we haven't really "clicked" yet, to use a mundane colloquialism which I suppose I should do, now that I'm wearing [voice breaking] Cargo pants.
Tahani, it's very common to experience adjustment pains.
But the system matched you and Tomás, and the system is never wrong.
But guess what? This is the Good Place.
If you want your house to be larger, then just ask.
Do you want something this big? Or maybe bigger, like the Taj Mahal.
I know, I know.
How about a moon? Would you like to live on your own private moon? No, no, no.
My house is wonderful.
And really, it's so silly to want a bigger house of all things, here in paradise.
So no, no changes needed.
Okay, all right.
But if you change your mind, just ask.
Because all the other residents are very happy, so it'll give me plenty of time to deal with whatever requests you make.
No demand is too what's the word? Oh, "frivolous.
" Okay? Wow.
That is rough.
Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.
[bright string music] These are for you.
Drink up.
Oh no, no, I [laughing] Hey! Twinsies! - I'm sorry? - Look! Cargo-pants buddies! [chortles] I bet we have a lot in common.
I was a garbage man in Winnipeg.
How about you? Okay [mouths word] Crocs also?! - [glass ringing] - Speech time! I know you're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet, but if you are, please get me out of this speech.
I've asked our top point-getter, here, to say a few words.
So, take it away, Eleanor! [applause] The dictionary defines "best" - as being - [slurring] Oh, God, boring! I'd like to say a few words if nobody minds.
[whispering] Thank you, wizard.
I am Tahani.
Tahani am me.
And even though I wasn't the "number one point-getter," I just wanted to welcome you all to the neighborhood.
You all look so beautiful tonight, with your regular-sized pockets and regular-sized soul mates.
Oh, no offense, darling, wherever you are.
Probably somewhere down there.
Why don't you try to ease her off the stage - and take over yourself? - The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could.
And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house that I want.
I want this house.
Give it.
[laughs] No, I'm just kidding.
But really, give me the house.
Hey there, hot stuff.
Can I get you a cup of coffee? Get your hands off me! Oh, you think you're better than I am, don't you, just 'cause you're wearing that.
Look at that terrible placement and angle.
Is this your first time ever wearing a sash? Yeah, it is, but I think if we all just Well give it to me then! [shouts] [guests gasping] I got her off the stage.
[rushing sound] [door clicks open] Jianyu? Come on in.
[pleasant music] Before we start, I know you were a Buddhist monk who kept a vow of silence.
Would you prefer to remain silent here as well? Every resident here in the Good Place has a soul mate.
Now, some of the pairings are platonic, some are romantic, but what you have with your soul mate is unique.
You have a spiritual connection that transcends the physical realm.
This person's gonna be your best bud.
[chuckles] Jianyu, let me introduce you to your soul mate, Luang.
He is also a Buddhist monk, from the Lumbini zone of Nepal.
You and Luang share an identical soul like binary stars, orbiting one another in a perfect, reflective harmony.
You won't ever have a single moment of loneliness, because you'll always be right next to each other for eternity.
Okay, I'm gonna let you two get acquainted.
I'm sure you have a lot to not talk about.
[laughs] Because well, you get it, you get it.
[ambling music] [sighs] [ominous music] Oh sorry, I didn't see you.
Chidi? Are you Chidi? [otherworldly ringing music] - Eleanor? What are you up to? - Oh, hey there, Michael.
Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.
- Ah.
- Who was that mysterious [pleasant music] Hello, you beautiful spirits.
Can I offer you two something to drink? - Janet! - Hi there.
This is Janet.
Now, she can get you literally anything you want.
All you have to do is ask.
Of course, you two won't ever want anything, because you're perfectly content.
Oh, I know.
How about something special? Janet, two yak's milks, please.
Enjoy.
[short beeping] [short beep] - [glass ringing] - Speech time! - If we all just - Well give it to me! [shouts] [guests gasping] I got her off the stage.
Tahani? - Are you all right? - Yes, fine.
Never better.
Top of my game, actually.
You'll have to excuse me, 'cause I've got to go, so Oh, look! I've got some shrimp.
In one of my many, many cargo-pants pockets.
[sobs] What the fork is happening? [rushing sound] Okay, here we go.
- How's it going, boss-man? - Enough chit-chat.
Is everything in place for version two? Yup, I've thought of everything.
I won't let you down.
I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party.
You know, just to introduce yourself.
How can I say no? [laughs] So cozy.
I feel like the walls are just hugging me.
[laughs] How about something special? Janet.
Two yak's milks, please.
Why isn't anyone talking? Janet, could you show me to the bar, please? Mm-hmm.
Michael, may I please speak with you privately? Sure, sure.
It just feels like I used to be Real Eleanor, - and now I'm Denise.
- Denise is a good part, with a a great backstory.
You run the best pizza place in the neighborhood.
You have a cat, and that's cool.
I took this job because it seemed fun and different, and in the original version, I got to break Chidi's heart, like, 20 times, and it was great.
I mean, he was miserable.
And now, Angélique gets to torture him? Angélique is a hack.
I can act circles around her! But I have nothing to do! I am a Ferrari, okay? And you don't keep a Ferrari in the garage.
I hear your concern.
I do.
And I promise you, there is a great arc coming for Denise the pizza lady - in about 80 years or so.
- [sighs] Chidi is going to accidentally kill your cat.
It's gonna give you a great chance to shine.
Can I just have something that makes me stand out? A mysterious past, or a limp! - I want a limp.
- This is supposed to be the Good Place.
Why would Okay, I no, I hear you.
I'll tell you what.
Go nuts, all right? Limp your heart out.
Oh, hey! Chidi, right? Hi.
Are you limping? - How's it going? - [sighs] We're having some trouble with Eleanor.
She's not engaging in conversation, - she's not drinking.
- Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here.
I'm about to make her talk for an hour.
She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.
[glass ringing] Speech time! We're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could.
- If we all just - Well give it to me! [shouts] [guests gasping] Tahani? Are you all right? Yes, fine.
Never better.
You'll have to excuse me, 'cause I've got to go.
[mumbling discreetly] - What the fork, man? - I know that book.
Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it's only kind of working.
No the note you showed me before.
All right, this is from a book called "What We Owe to Each Other.
" I used to teach it.
I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
- All right, brag much? - No, I'm trying to help you.
- Sorry.
Okay.
- I have never seen you before in my life, but I think somehow, that we know each other.
[soft music] That definitely sounded like a pick-up line.
- [sighs] - And I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.
- [groans softly] - It's not that bad, right? I mean, we got a drunken speech.
That's good.
No.
It isn't.
Tahani gave the drunken speech instead of Eleanor.
We can't build a chaos sequence out of Tahani's speech, because she thinks she belongs here ding-dong.
Okay, we can still salvage this.
- Where's Eleanor? - She's gone.
- I can't find her anywhere.
- Maybe she left with Chidi? - He's gone too.
- What? Or maybe she left with Jason.
You lost Jason? How is that even possible? You're only job is to stand next to that idiot.
I got distracted by the fire! I love fire.
You know, my main job is to burn people with fire.
- What's up, guys? - What are you doing here? - Why aren't you with Eleanor? - Oh, I told her I was going to the gym again.
Why would you say that in the middle of a party? - You told me too.
- No, I didn't.
You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.
That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! Don't How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym? Five.
- No, nine.
- You dimwit! Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department.
People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one.
But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting.
So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else.
I'm going to the gym! Fine.
Yeah, you do that.
You go to the gym.
Okay, we can still pull this off, we just need to find the four humans.
Okay? Okay.
[chuckles] Right now.
Everyone in this room, find those four humans! Are you gonna talk, or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit? I'm sorry, I'm trying to process a tremendous amount of insane information.
I mean, you're not supposed to be here, but you and I clearly met here, somehow, before now.
I mean does that mean that I'm not supposed to be here? I don't know, dude.
Were you a good person on earth? I I think so.
I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the uni [gasps] Oh, no! I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.
- What? - Eleanor, what do we do? I don't know, dude! But we better figure it out soon, or we're doomed.
[sneaky music] - Uh, Janet? - [short beep] - Hi there, Jianyu.
- Hi, Janet! Um, can I tell you something? - Sure.
- I'm not Jianyu.
And I'm not a silent monk.
My real name is Jason.
And I don't know what's going on.
I got here and Michael said I'm a monk, and he told me I was gonna have a new best friend, and that we were gonna live in a yogurt.
- A yurt.
- Oh, yeah, "yurt" for short.
I was psyched to meet my new best friend, but he turned out to be this weird silent guy that won't leave me alone.
I don't wanna go back to my yogurt.
- Can I go to your house? - I don't have a house, Jason.
I live in a boundless void.
- Can I go there? - No.
It's a boundless void.
- Okay.
- So, what you're saying is, there are certain aspects of your existence here in the Good Place that are confusing for you, and you're searching for someplace to go where you feel less lonely.
I know somewhere you could go.
- Why did you do that? - Because you were nice to me.
- You're my friend.
- Okay! Okay! Okay, so, if we got all the way to Scanlon, we must have been studying very intensely for a very long time.
Or, you grabbed a random book of mine and just tore a page out.
I'm gonna be honest, that sounds more like me.
[knocking at door] Ah! Eleanor and Chidi.
What a pleasant surprise.
I'm so happy you two have met.
I'm just going door-to-door, apologizing for the commotion earlier tonight.
- Ah.
- The first night in the afterlife can be a little overwhelming.
Don't worry about us, Michael.
We are doing just fine.
Oh, good, good.
Glad to hear that.
Well, it's getting late.
Chidi, allow me to escort you back to your house.
- Um - Uh, hello, all.
Sorry for the late hour, Eleanor.
I wanted to stop by and give you back your sash.
That's okay.
You can just keep it.
No! I don't deserve it.
I made a complete fool of myself tonight.
I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable.
Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates! Tahani, please.
It's late.
- I think what we should do - No.
Look, ever since I got here it feels like something's been off.
Tahani.
There you are.
I've been worried sick about you.
That's her soul mate? Is there a second one of him that stands on his shoulders? Chidi! There you are.
I've been worried sick about you.
Okay all right, everybody.
Now we are really imposing on Eleanor here.
Chidi, let's everybody take off Hi, Eleanor.
This person would like to speak with you privately.
About something.
Oh, really? - Yup.
Bye! - [short beep] [whispering] This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet.
I gotta figure out what it means.
Could be the key to this entire mystery.
Luang, perfect.
Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, - right away.
- Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser.
You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not.
My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together.
But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.
Babe, there you are.
I've been worried Let me stop you.
Can I guess? You've been worried sick about me.
I'm headed to the gym.
Sure, why not? - I'm quite confused.
- Let me explain, gorgeous.
I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place.
Michael is forking with us.
- Like a prank show.
- Yeah, like a prank show.
Except according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.
- What note? - Apparently, I wrote myself a note, and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth.
Janet.
Her name is Janet.
- Oh, right, Janet.
- Hi there.
- Hi Janet! - Hi Jason.
[cackling] Are you kidding me? Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so.
That was some very quick thinking.
I'm extremely impressed.
And to be honest I'm relieved.
At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast.
But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.
- Next time? - What? - Yeah.
[laughs] - He's gonna do it again! That's not gonna work this time - dummy.
- Okay, excuse me.
I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.
I demand to speak to your superior.
I am so sorry, madam.
Please forgive me.
Well, as humans like to say, third time's the charm, right? [employees grumbling] I take full responsibility for the false start.
But I assure you all, there is no note this time.
I'll prove it to you.
Janet! - [short beep] - Hi there.
Hi, Janet.
Open your mouth please.
Thank you.
[skin squelching] See, no notes.
No clues or loopholes nothing in there! Thank you, Janet.
So, let's all just pretend the last attempt never even happened.
- Questions.
- Maybe it's none of our business, but did you tell Shawn - what happened? - Yes, I did.
And he completely understood.
[chuckling] As a matter of fact, he found the whole thing kind of funny.
But he was very supportive, and he says he's very excited for us to get going again.
So, anyone else? Anybody? No? Then let's get out there and make some miseries! Testing, one, two, three [digital beeping] - Hey there, boss-man.
- You were supposed to call me - this morning, give me an update.
- Oh.
[laughs] Right, sorry.
Yeah, it's just the the chaos sequence was going so well better than the first time, in my opinion.
Eleanor got completely drunk last night.
She talked for, like, an hour.
You know, even flashed somebody, so we had a lot to work with.
So, attempt number two is on track so far? Oh, smooth as silk.
Everything's great.
- [tortured screaming] - Oh! Sounds like everything's going well back there too.
We're trying out the new butthole spiders.
- Ah! - They're enormous.
You know, good old-fashioned torture the way it's supposed to be.
Good luck with attempt number two.
And remember, there will be no attempt number three.
[digital beeping] [tense string music] Eleanor.
Come on in.