The Good Place (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

The Book of Dougs

1 Holy forking shirtballs.
We're in the Good Place.
Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place? It's rather carpeted.
Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
- What? - Don't No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place.
Just take a deep breath.
That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favorite water park when I was a kid.
Chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids, and a thick cloud of teen hormones.
When I was researching my fake Neighborhood, I learned about this.
The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
[sniffing] Warm pretzels.
Or, no, wait.
It's the smell of absolute moral truth? Those two things have very similar smells.
I smell Blake Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy, as Dan Patrick says, "This has to feel good, Blake.
" And he says, "It sure does, Dan, and I owe it all to my best friend, Jason Mendoza.
" - Also, weed.
- Mmm.
To me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy.
Ah, this truly is the Good Place.
I don't think we're in the main Good Place area.
This seems like this is some kind of a mail depot.
So, we're talking about mailmen now, from heaven? I literally had that calendar and I did not get past March.
- What? - Don't.
Okay, there are two key things that we have to do.
Make sure that no one can follow us.
- Janet? - On it.
What's the second thing we have to do? - Keep a low profile.
- [crashing] Okay, if there's anyone in the building, here's our cover story.
I'm an account; you are a Neutral Janet.
And you four won a contest.
- Really? - Really? Okay, not that.
I'll come up with something better.
Why do we need a cover story at all? There are the good guys.
Let's just come clean and request asylum.
Yeah, man, we're refugees.
What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees? The main thing I've learned about the Good Place is that they never break the rules.
No way to guarantee they wouldn't send you right down to the Bad Place.
What the heck is going on in there? - Uh - [clears throat] Oh, hi there.
Um, I'm I'm an accountant.
We're coming from Accounting, and as we were climbing through the the mailbox, it it blew up.
The explosion was caused by demons.
We were being chased by demons.
And a Dracula.
There was a Dracula chasing us.
- Was there, though, Jason? - Yeah.
Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox with his bazooka.
Well, jeez Louise, I'm sure glad you're okay.
My name's Gwendolyn.
Welcome to the Good Place.
I'm Michael, and this is my Neutral Janet.
Hello, also, not hello.
It's nothing to meet you.
End of statement.
And these four here are humans, if you can believe it.
"If" I could believe it? Watch this: I believe it.
[laughs] Why are they here? Because they won a contest.
Congratulations, guys.
Come on in.
This is the correspondence center.
Make yourselves at home.
There's a sofa, that's a bowl of fruit, that's the door to the Good Place.
Ooh, this is a fun paperweight shaped like a little hat.
I'm sorry, this right here is is the door to, um, the Good Place? Well, it's a door to the Good Place, but it won't open for you guys, though.
The only door for humans is the Official Entrance, which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here.
So, you're kinda just stuck inside.
Wow, it's really weird that you guys won a contest to be in this building.
Well, you know, take that up with the folks at "Weird Contest Magazine.
" Hey, why don't we help you clean up the mess in the mail room? Wow, thanks.
Did I win a contest? [forced laughter] Chidi and I will be right there.
Chidi, help me.
- She said it's not gonna open.
- Fine.
Ooh! - Eleanor.
- What? This is how I always got out of escape rooms.
If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out.
Is everything okay in there? Yep.
No follow-up questions.
Hey there, Smashy, before you start grabbing any other throwing lamps, you have anything - you need to talk about? - I can't take this anymore, man all the running and the hiding and fighting and this whole insane journey.
And now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that two inches thick? That's like four Oreos.
We're four Oreos from heaven.
I know.
I know.
It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you.
So, let's take a deep breath.
[inhaling deeply] Mmm.
Okay, the smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
How? Why? - Say, Gwendolyn.
- Hmm? I need to speak with the committee regarding an urgent matter.
Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly, and that's definitely against the rules.
I see.
How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules? Well, by calling them on that phone, but I can't let you use it.
Right, and even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number, and you wouldn't tell me.
[chuckles] I couldn't.
There are no numbers.
You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want, but you can't use it.
Of course not.
- Just as a hypothetical - Mm-hmm.
Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? - Any kind of alarm? - Golly, no.
So, it's entirely untraceable? Sure is.
What a fun thought experiment.
- You said it, Gwendolyn.
- Uh-huh.
Say, is that a dog barking in another room? I doubt it, because I don't have a dog.
But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check.
Hello, doggy.
My name is Michael, I'm an Accountant.
I need to speak with the Committee immediately, on the top floor of the Correspondence Center.
Thank you.
[bright music] Jason, you seem thoughtful and that concerns me.
Do you remember that one time when we were in Janet's void, and we all looked like Janet? I do, yes.
You know how I saw that thing about how Janet loves me? I don't know how I feel about her, and also, I feel bad that I sort of, like, read her diary.
And she doesn't know.
What should I do? Well, perhaps, you should tell Janet what you saw, and start a dialogue about your feelings.
Who knows if a relationship will take hold, but you must begin from a place of honesty.
Thanks, Tahani.
It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife.
Hey, Janet.
Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void? I do, yes.
When we were in there, I was wandering around, because you have the ability to make anything, and I wanted to see where you keep the roller blades.
And I accidentally saw that video thing about how you love me.
You saw that? That's so embarrassing.
I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first.
But, hey, let's talk about it.
I don't want to talk about this.
You guys were in my void, and it was exhausting, and I almost blew up, and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings How's it going in here? It is going neutrally.
End of conversation.
- Can can we - End of conversation.
You got one shot, buddy.
Be clear, be confident, and don't let them intimidate you.
Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- This is place is very cool.
Have you guys ever been here before? - I have never been here before.
- No, no, no.
- I love it, so charming.
- Really great, it's earthy.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Michael.
Thank you for coming.
No, thank you for asking us to come.
It is one of the great honors of my eternal life to be invited here by you, today, for this momentous occasion.
Now, who are you, and why are we here? Well, in a nutshell, I believe that the Bad Place has somehow infiltrated the Accounting Department, and it's tampering with the points system.
My goodness, that would be a disaster.
Everyone focus up.
Meg, you take notes.
Daisuke, open a secure channel to headquarters.
Kellen, head to the farmer's market and grab us fresh peaches.
I think pluots are in season.
Then get pluots, Kellen.
Get as many pluots as can fit in your tote bag.
We're gonna be here a while.
Brought you some water.
Well, I mean, there's not a kitchen, but I found this kind of glowing bowl with liquid in it? Maybe it was a toilet.
I'm gonna throw this out.
What are you doing? Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter.
- Ugh.
- All right, forget about the door.
Look at me.
Right now, we're together in heaven basically.
And we're in love.
Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse.
I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats.
" Oh, check it out straight through my sweatshirt.
I have an idea to take your mind off the door.
Let's go on a date.
- What? - No, I'm serious.
Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise? You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats? Man, you must really be into me.
You have to admit, it's very odd that no one has gotten into the Good Place for 500 years.
Well, there've been dips before.
Remember like, 200,000 years ago, when they invented stabbing, and they were all just, like, stabbing each other? Again, I urge you to look at Doug Forcett.
The man has lived a selfless life, and he's not even close to getting in.
The only explanation is that the Bad Place has somehow rigged the system.
I wouldn't put it past them.
Every single Bad Place employee is a disgusting monster.
Well, some of 'em are probably cool, handsome, man-about-town types.
Committee, Michael the Accountant has brought us evidence of a problem, and now it is up to us to find a solution.
While you wait, Kellen will stand by you, showering you with compliments.
Great job, Michael.
You are such a good speaker.
This suit is very flattering.
You have a lot of gravitas.
I thought I was gonna be annoyed by this, but it's it's wonderful.
Your jawline is extraordinary.
You're a nice height.
Your energy is electric.
I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company.
It's nice to be here.
And it's not nice to not be there.
So, how'd you two meet? Was it through the contest? Tahani and I met in brain school, and then we got married, because nothing mattered.
You're both so attractive.
Are all humans as attractive as you two? [laughs] No.
Say, Jason, can you help me get more wicker baskets - from the other room? - Sure thing.
I'm so sorry, darling, this is all my fault.
I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.
You saw that too? - No.
- [groans] Jason knows that I love him, it stinks to hear about how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin, and if I don't remain neutral in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying.
All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing.
What if they come out my butt? [bright music] Whoa, champagne.
Found it in the cupboard.
I think it was a gift.
I feel kind of bad, what if it was for something really important? "Gwendolyn: Here's some champagne for you "for thanking me for thanking you "for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for the champagne you sent me.
" Pop that bench.
[pops] This is my kind of scrappy fun, sneaking around with a boy, trying not to get caught.
I know, it's like when my parents would go to a symposium and I would sneak into their office and read the unabridged dictionary.
I can't believe I'm attracted to you.
You are, though.
I'm not worried about that anymore.
You blew it when you admitted it to me.
You still thinking about what's on the other side of that door? Not really, no.
Because you're here with me on this side.
I have one more little surprise for you.
Okay, open 'em.
Holy forking fork.
What do you think? Oh, no, you're crying.
I assume it's because you're happy or horny.
Is this a horny cry? No, I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault.
Why? Do you not like the outfit? I love the outfit.
You look amazing.
And this sucks, and I'm furious, and I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you.
In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action.
Wow, can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.
We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this.
And we are fast-tracking the process.
It'll take no more than 400 years.
Sorry? It's aggressive, but you heard right.
We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team.
Wait, 400 years just to form the team? I was thinking that we could do something now-ish.
Like, right now.
Michael, we have rules, procedures.
We're the good guys.
We can't just do stuff.
Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organizing a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest.
And that will take 1,000 years.
Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this, the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place, which is everyone.
And that deeply concerns us.
Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? We're taking this very seriously.
Hear, hear.
Kellan, did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum? No.
Sincerest apologies.
I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately.
[applause] Hey, you two.
I think I may have solved one part of our little problem.
I made up a "Death Did Us Part" certificate, explaining that since Jason and I are dead, we are officially no longer fake-married.
I know it's not your main concern, but whatever part of you was vexed by our silly arrangement, you can now both relax.
I can tell by your silence and inability to make eye contact with me that I've knocked it out of the park.
It's a nice gesture.
I feel both pitied and put on the spot, so that's fun.
And it's a cool reminder of how I'm dead.
Well, forget it.
Never mind.
Watch this.
There, cancelled.
So, you and I are married again? No, we we're not.
Um Bleh.
- It's okay.
- [whimpering] Cry as long as you want.
I'm going to.
[sniffling] 'Cause my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater.
That's a really weird incentive to keep crying.
Relationships are stupid.
You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
Here's an idea, what if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote a I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now.
"It is the only time TOGETHER: "When we have any power.
" I know that quote.
An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Well, now I hate it.
[laughs] There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try.
" Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.
I've got an idea of something we could try.
What? Oh.
Wait, I I think I know Well, I don't wanna assume.
What if we both write down what we think you mean What if we didn't? Ooh ah.
Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us? The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests.
The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly-worded letter to the iceberg.
How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system.
There's no other explanation.
Can I ask you an unrelated question? Absolutely not.
The fate of all of humanity is at stake, and time is running out.
[somber music] Go ahead.
I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings, but everything I do makes it worse.
You know them better than anyone else.
How do I just make them happy? How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
You'd think it'd be that simple.
But every time I do something nice, it backfires.
There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions.
Feels like a game you can't win.
That's it.
There is another explanation: unintended consequences.
Oh, Tahani, you did it.
Well, of course I did, darling.
Did what? All along, I've only been looking at one Doug, but there's millions of Dougs in here.
[bleeping] In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday.
He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy boom, 145 points.
- [bleeping] - Now Yeah, here we go.
[bleeping] In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but he lost four points.
Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop.
The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals.
Whoo! That is a very odd thing to cheer.
Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't have to.
Because every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.
Gather the others.
We have a lot to do.
But we didn't really deal with my thing Okay, I'll just figure it out.
Janet, I owe you an apology.
I'm very sorry I meddled.
Truly, I was only trying to help, because I want you two to be happy.
And because, well, I love you.
I really do.
I love you both.
- [sniffles] - Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Did I say something wrong again? No, I'm just crying because you're such a nice and thoughtful friend.
And the emotions aren't coming out of my butt, they're coming out of my eyes, which is somehow just as embarrassing.
- Why are you crying? - I don't know.
I'm British, I I never cry.
But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry.
And also, this is less important, but the carpeting is really disgusting.
[crying] [wailing] Why are you crying? I just like being a part of things.
[crying] Two humans and a Neutral Janet crying? In the Good Place? I've never been suspicious of anyone, but I think that's about to change.
Oh, no reason to be suspicious, I promise you, we've done nothing untoward.
What's up, fart-faces? Chidi and I just had sex in a closet.
Michael, have you all been lying to me this whole time? That upsets me! I'm gonna try to shake my fist at you.
D'oh! Gosh darn it.
I have no choice, I have to turn you in to the Judge.
Don't bother, I already did.
[twinkling] Hey, Frogman.
The Judge agreed to your terms.
She'll meet you at IHOP.
So, this is the Good Place, huh? [sniffing] Smells like frogs.
Let's go.
Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP? - Yes.
- Tight.
No, not tight.
The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe.
Then why are we going? - To save humanity.
- Great.
Any chance I could change real quick? - Nope.
- Cool.
[dramatic music] Bye, guys.
Nice to meet you.