The Good Place (2016) s03e11 Episode Script

Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

1 So you're telling me I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP? It's not the place you're thinking of.
This is the Inter-dimensional Hole of Pancakes.
It's the crossroads of all dimensions like Grand Central Station but for space and time.
If you eat anything in this IHOP, you will literally explode.
Yeah, I know.
It's IHOP.
Why are we meeting there? The Judge's powers are limited in the IHOP, so she can't just retire me on the spot.
And I believe that when she hears what I've discovered about the points system, she'll take our side.
If not, then we'll jump through a portal to another dimension, hope our molecules don't liquefy, and regroup from there.
Excuse me.
Now watch your step.
Hey, so Yeah, so I don't want to go in there.
I get that.
Come here.
Here are your options.
Option number one [screams] Cruel but necessary.
[screams] Oh, look at this.
They added a tenth dimension.
- [all yelping] - [laughing] Boy.
Permits must have been a headache.
It looks like we're inside a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern from spring 2013! Okay, everyone, just be cool.
I know exactly what's going on.
We all smoked too much salvia.
We got to ride this out for about two, three minutes, and then we'll be back in Pillboi's broken hot tub, and this will all be over.
Hey, is is this a good time to talk? Well, there's no time like the present.
And here there's neither "no time" nor "the present.
" [giggles] Go ahead.
So you know how me and you used to be married when I was dead before? Mm-hmm.
I think I'm starting to catch feelings again for you.
And if I don't double-die in this IHOP and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend? I'm not a girl.
But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime, as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times.
- [both chuckle] - You get it? Yeah.
Hey! Butthead! You lie to my face, disrespect my orders, steal the only key to Earth, meddle with an already compromised timeline, kidnap the humans into a Janets' void, and now demand a meeting in the freakin' IHOP? I hate this place! I wouldn't have asked for a meet if it weren't vitally important.
And I promise, no more rule-breaking.
[mockingly] Oh, yeah, really? Cool.
'Cause it kind of looks like you stole a book from Accounting! No more rule-breaking starting now.
Hello, Chidi.
That is a great look for you.
If things don't work out here with old Blondie, you know who to call this bitch.
What is on me right now? Oops.
Where'd you come from, little buddy? No, don't touch it! Tahani, do not touch the Neednoggle.
- What? - Bad.
This is all bad.
[scoffs] Humans are such whiners.
Here, hot pants, let me take care of it for you.
Everybody, you're all still standing in the IHOP.
The Judge simply augmented your reality to make you feel like you're in a normal IHOP.
Very smart.
Don't suck up to me, you suck-up.
This is far better.
Instead of a slug creature, I have a cute little scarf.
- No! No! - No, no, no! Don't touch it! Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle.
The Judge just made it look like a scarf.
- Wonderful.
- All right.
Why don't we all sit down so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said I thought there was something wrong with the points system.
I finally know what it is.
Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place.
I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming.
Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation.
That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.
I mean, this guy chose this tomato.
Those are the consequences.
You don't want the consequences? Do the research.
Buy another tomato.
What else you got? Um I'll tell you what else I got, uh I got this.
What what are you doing? The Backpack Kid dance.
- Why? - I don't know.
It makes people happy.
Is it helping? Can I say something? Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote Boring! [grunts] I got this.
I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
Well, we gave it our best shot, guys.
It was nice knowing you.
I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal.
Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded.
I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house.
Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed just like in "Willy Wonka.
" I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there.
And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy.
Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville.
The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.
Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right.
I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth.
Maybe you should give it a shot.
If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Yeah, sure.
I'll give it a shot.
I'll go down there.
See what you guys go through.
And then one way or another, this is going to end.
Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh [scoffs] Mexico.
[chuckles] - Whoa.
- [sighs] How long will she be gone? No way to tell.
Uh, my guess is Oh, brother.
That was rough.
- Right? - Sheesh.
Earth is a mess, y'all.
Woof! Also, I guess I'm black? And they do not like black ladies down there.
Crap, y'all.
This is bad.
Where did you go, exactly? Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark.
It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way.
The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort.
The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
- Why? - For the deals.
Earth stinks, y'all.
It's hot, and it's crowded but somehow also cold and lonely.
I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions.
The first thing I did was I Googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or I kind of never recovered.
That's problem number one.
Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable.
Problem number two even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere.
Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people.
And it's delicious.
It is.
It is so good.
And I essentially tried to do what you suggested.
I obsessed over every choice.
But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place.
So I'm problem number three.
Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart.
[sighs] You know, we got to figure this out.
And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, and if she loses, she has to Oh, come on.
I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the "Entourage" movie.
What is this? Some new information has come to my attention, and I need a solution.
I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this.
But first, let's have a change of scenery.
[all yelp] Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP, so be careful.
Shawn, I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average, better than the points system suggests they are.
Counterpoint humans are terrible Limp Bizkit, slavery.
The prosecution rests.
Got to say, that's a solid rebuttal.
Look, there are plenty of awful people and thoughtless jerks, and, I guess Nazis again, somehow.
But there are also people who are really trying to be good, and they aren't getting close.
Because they're not good at being good because they're bad.
The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are full stop, end of story.
Then why did these four get better over and over again in my Neighborhood? Why did they help each other in ways they had never helped anyone on Earth? I don't know.
Maybe it's a fluke.
Plus, you have zero proof they did get better.
You didn't keep track of their points.
That's it.
I know what we have to Aah! Oh.
He forgot we're still in the IHOP.
Anybody got eyes on Chidi? [high-pitched voice] Help! Help! Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please? I'm on it.
And got him.
Here you go.
Ah! Ha! [breathing heavily] I I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade.
Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife.
We've all seen it.
- Let's get back on track, bud.
- Oh, okay, sure.
What I was saying, um, before, you know I saw the Time-Knife? Is this Michael is right.
His Neighborhood gave us the chance to become better people because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard.
Yeah, uh, there was no rent to pay, no racism, no sexism.
No awards-show gift-suite publicist infighting.
What? Those gift suites can be a real minefield.
But Shawn is also right.
The four of us becoming better people could be a fluke.
So let's repeat the experiment.
It's what Simone taught us about data collection.
Try it again and see if you get the same results.
Of course! I build a new Neighborhood.
We choose four new people, tell them they're in the Good Place, create challenges for them, track their progress.
My guess is they will do what the original four did.
Seek help, support each other, make wise decisions, improve.
If they do, then it's proof that humans are not "bad, full stop, end of story.
" This is so stupid.
Where would you even put this Neighborhood? I wouldn't allow it to be built in the Good Place, that's for sure.
And I doubt you'd want to come back - to my neck of the woods.
- Ooh.
I have an idea.
Hi, Mindy.
We need to use your backyard.
You need my backyard? For what? We're conducting an important experiment Okay, you know what? I don't care.
In fact, as soon as I started asking the question, I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this? You don't care about the answer.
" Do whatever you want.
Just leave me out of it.
And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek.
I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.
Who's Derek? Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend.
I made him, so he's more like my son.
Although I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani, so he's kind of my rebound booty call.
So he's your son-rebound-booty-call.
Fine, if you want to put labels on it, I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call.
But he doesn't mean anything to me.
Also, Derek never really worked right.
He's a buffoon.
You have nothing to worry about.
"How should he love thee? "Or how deem thee wise Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?" Oh.
I didn't see you there.
I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe.
I'm Derek.
Welcome to the Medium Place.
[gurgling] Derek, why are you so different? You have Mindy to thank for that.
See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, and every time she hits it, I pass out.
When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better.
Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now.
It's resplendent and mostly functional.
How many times has Mindy rebooted you? I don't know.
Half a million.
- What? - She reboots me a lot.
Sometimes when she's bored or just needs some "alone time.
" Sometimes just for laughs.
[laughing] Derek.
- Shall we head inside? - Okay.
So here are the rules.
Michael designs the new Neighborhood however he wants.
The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans.
But they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four, all right? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band.
Michael will not get the files in advance, so he does not have forever to plan.
But he can then change the Neighborhood however he wants.
Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this.
- So do I.
- Good.
That means it's a fair compromise.
So one last issue where do we get all the other residents for this place? Well, my original Neighborhood was built for torture, so everyone was a demon.
We can't have that.
I say we get them from the Good Place.
Over my dead skin suit.
Well, what other option do we have? Would anybody like a Medium snack? I myself will be enjoying another classy martini.
Don't mind if I do.
[gasps] I can make the people.
Just like I made Derek.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it.
They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek.
- No offense.
- None taken.
Okay, the other residents will be comprised of Janet babies.
You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans.
I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating and to track the humans' progress.
Deal? - [electric buzzing] - [grunting] - Ow! - [chuckling] - Classic.
- Ha ha! - [electric buzzing] - Ow! - Janet? - Hi, there.
- Ah.
- Ready to start building? - Yes.
- I have some ideas for how to design a sort of basic Neighborhood, which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them.
Now, when you say, um, some ideas - I have 11 trillion ideas.
- Yes.
I'm so glad you're here, Janet.
- Me too.
- All right, so [clears throat] What's your first basic idea? [beep] Perfect.
So basic.
[both laugh] [peaceful music] This house was built to torture you.
Why did you have Michael re-create it exactly? Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love.
So I figured, why mess with success? I mean, blegh, what am I saying? This house is stupid.
And you're lame, and I hate you.
I love you, too.
This is gonna be fun.
I mean, I know we have to help these new people, but most of the time, we'll just get to live together like a normal couple.
We can chill out and just relax - and study philosophy - Have sex.
Nerd! [straining] [beep] Hi, I'm Daphne.
Hi, Daphne, I'm Janet.
I made you.
I'll wait for your instructions.
Thank you for making me.
Okay, Daphne's done.
Only another 185 people to go.
I'll check back in an hour.
- You're doing so good, Janet.
- Thanks, Jason.
- Making people is exhausting.
- [beep] Can't help but notice you're making a bunch of people.
You know, if we pooled our resources, we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.
Janet doesn't need your help, dude.
Actually, it would go a lot faster.
- Thanks, Derek.
- No problem.
- [beep] - Don't worry.
This is purely professional, okay? Now, be a pal and hold my classy martini while I get down to business.
Let's make people.
[phone ringing] Hello, Your Honor.
[chuckling] You fell for it.
It's me, Shawn.
Just wanted to wish you bad luck.
Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared.
Oh, I'm very confident.
I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment.
When you fail, and you will, I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends.
Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis-flatteners and bees with teeth.
You are so predictable.
Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? Try using teeth-flatteners and bees with penises.
First of all, that's stupid.
But also, we are switching it up.
When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity.
But guess who's going to be doing the torturing? Hello, idiot.
[chuckling] We built a Michael suit.
The boys down in R&D said it couldn't be done.
So I made it out of them.
That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin.
You are disgusting.
- Disgusting-ah.
- Oh, Michael.
It's going to be so amazing watching your four BFFs look so sad and betrayed and confused as you, their reformed demon-daddy, unleash a swarm of penis bees.
I invented those.
That was me.
Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do, and they'll know that it isn't really me.
And we'll erase their memories of you telling them.
Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way.
Very useful.
Have fun, Michael.
Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you.
BOTH: Mm, bye, bitch! So how bad is contestant number one? Murderer? War criminal? Instagram DJ? Uh, yeah, um - Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.
Just a little jittery.
Last time I designed a Neighborhood, things didn't really go according to plan.
Eh, plans are for wimps.
We should have done this Shellstrop-style don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test, BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study an still got a C-plus.
- [chuckling] - So what do we got, man? I got to go give everyone a heads-up, remember? Uh, his name is John.
Um, some sort of journalist.
No major crimes or atrocities.
- Is he out there right now? - Mm-hmm.
Wow, that's freaky.
So, based on initial skimming of his file, we will run scenario G48-119.
Jeez, Louise.
Well, you have to be prepared for anything.
I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs, or does he know he definitely doesn't? Dude, dude, relax.
All we have to do today is tell John he's in the Good Place, show him around the Neighborhood, and get him to Tahani's welcome party.
That's it.
We can deal with the rest later.
- Right? - Right.
- Right, right, right.
- Hey, listen whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great.
We trust you.
Your friends will always trust you.
[beep] - Okay.
Here I go.
- Okay.
I'm gonna Yep.
Here I go.
I go here.
And - I'm gone.
- Michael? - Oh, yeah, I'm gone.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't do this.
Hello? Is anyone here? Michael, buddy, John is awake.
- We need to open the door - Mm-hmm.
And welcome him into the afterlife.
Remember, the whole plan? I do remember.
That's why I can't do it.
It's just too scary.
Oh [whimpering] No [knock at door] Hello?