The Good Place (2016) s03e12 Episode Script


1 That's why I can't do it.
It's just too scary.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Hello? Okay, listen.
There's a guy out there who's awake and doesn't know what's happening, okay? You gotta pull it together.
You've got this.
No, I absolutely do not.
I'm not meant for any of this, Eleanor.
- I'm just middle management! - [SHUSHES.]
What if I fail? It'll be like the failure to end all failures.
It'll be an epic fail.
Is my tie getting tighter, or is my neck getting fatter somehow? Oh, this is what we do.
We tell the judge we have to cancel the experiment because I have a fat neck.
She'll understand.
Anyone? Uh, okay, Michael.
You can do this.
You are Michael.
You are smart and capable.
And you're a fearless leader.
And you are gonna take a deep breath, stand up, open that door and say, "Hi, John.
I'm Michael.
I'm the Architect.
Come on in.
" Got it? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Hi, John.
I'm Eleanor.
I'm the Architect.
Come on in.
So, let me sum this up for you, John.
- Ya dead.
- What? But don't worry, it's okay that you're dead, because you, John Wheaton, are in the Good Place.
You're here because of all the incredible things you did on Earth, which are all right in front of me, so let me just check your file.
Mmm, good.
That's what I thought.
Wow, John, what a life you've led.
Sorry, did I introduce Michael? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
He's my assistant.
He just transferred over here from Dog heaven, so, you know, he's still getting used to people.
What do you say I show you around the neighborhood? So are you, like, an angel or something? Oh, John, aren't you sweet? Enough about me.
So, everything you see is here for you to enjoy for eternity, you and your 321 neighbors.
Ooh, uh, why is it 322 people? Is that number significant somehow? Well Janet? - [SOFT BEEP.]
- Hi, there.
It's me, Eleanor, the Architect of the neighborhood.
Yep, that is certainly information that I already knew.
Janet is a walking database of all the knowledge in the universe, and since you, John, seem to like asking a relentless number of questions, go ahead.
Ask her anything.
Okay, um, what's the craziest secret celebrity hook up? Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, on and off for years.
Okay, wow.
Wait, so you really do know everything? Kinda seems like she should be running the neighborhood.
Yes, John, in retrospect, that does seem like a much better idea.
Hey, Janet, why don't you take John inside to get some froyo? We'll catch up with you later.
Get over here now, dummy.
- I'm sorry.
- Guys.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Uh-oh.
Michael looks like me.
That's bad.
Fun little update.
Michael was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
So, new plan.
I'm now the Architect.
And stop making those faces because I already told John, and there's no going back now.
Well, if I could pick anyone to impersonate an immortal deity, well, it would be me, but if it couldn't be me, it'd be you.
Yeah, you're gonna rock this.
You're like the Blake Bortles of whatever's going on right now.
- I'm not really sure.
- Thanks, guys.
I think I can be the Architect.
I saw how Michael ran the neighborhood in the memories he showed me and there was, like, a four-year period where Brad Pitt really wanted everyone to know how into Architecture he was, and I read a lot of those interviews, so I think that might help me.
And before long, Michael will be back to his old self and he can step in and take over, right? Look at the four of you all together.
Oh, I love you so much.
Okay, okay.
That's okay.
Chidi, have Janet translate the gibberish of these files.
Tahani, continue working on the welcome party.
Oh, yes, the party.
So, for the napkins, I would normally do a queen's tuck, but I was thinking of shaking things up a bit with a Yorkshire butterfly.
And this could not matter less.
Very sorry.
- Good-bye.
- Hey, how's it going? - This is overwhelming.
It's every thought and decision and action from this guy's entire life.
Like, this whole box is just one trip to Wendy's.
Well, keep reading.
According to Michael, I usually asked for your help by, like, day two, so you need to be ready.
You know what? At first, I was kinda nervous.
But so far, I think I'm doing okay.
It's like I became such a good person I almost forgot I'm a world-class liar, baby.
Very fun thing to hear from your girlfriend.
You're doing great, and I have to admit, you being the Architect is kinda hot.
It's kinda like I'm secretly dating my boss not that I ever would have done that.
Yeah, no, me neither.
So, same.
All right, I gotta get ready for the next person.
Well then, I will say good-bye to you platonically the same way a resident would say good-bye to an Architect.
Eleanor, what if John had seen us? I'm scared, and yet somehow turned on? Scared is the best way to be horny.
Oh, now who's doing the teaching? - [CLIPBOARD SMACKS.]
- Hey, now, all right.
A little higher.
Thank you.
Tahani Al-Jamil.
Yes? Do I know you? Uh, no, no, but I know you.
I used to write about you all the time on my blog.
"The Gossip Toilet.
" We were the ones that invented the Olsen twins countdown clock for when they became legal.
That was our blog.
That was us.
Oh, my.
You were quite mean to me.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't call it mean, okay? My targets were rich and high status and I was just doing the important work of telling truth to power.
So, wait, what about you, huh? You died in Canada? [SHOUTS.]
That is so weird and embarrassing.
That's like the nip slip of dying [LAUGHS.]
Okay, listen.
We're gonna catch up later.
I can't wait to hear all about your new nose.
Oh, no.
I didn't get a nose job.
Oh, I know, I just figured we're in heaven so we might as well fix all of our flaws, right? Like, look at me.
Nothing is staying on this face.
- Huh.
What are the odds that you and I would end up spending eternity together? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Eleanor, Michael, it is I, Tahani.
Yeah, we know, babe.
What's wrong? I know John rather, he knows me.
He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth.
He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of melodrama.
- What are you saying? - Don't you see? The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people.
They picked the people who would be the worst for us.
Of course.
How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers.
He chose your tormenters or arch rivals.
Or exes.
Those motherforkers.
This is insane and obviously against the rules.
Yeah, too bad it's not, dill hole.
She'll remember them.
It's going to destroy the integrity of the experiment, Your Honor.
Plus, now I have to live next to a man who once lied and said I wasn't at Diddy's White Party.
I was there, Eleanor.
I was.
You must believe me.
And how are we gonna make Simone better when she's asleep the whole time? Hello? We can't work with this.
Your Honor, you never stipulated that we couldn't choose people who had some sort of connection to them.
And Simone just happened to die on Earth, which was really, really cool [CHUCKLES.]
You wanna know how it happened, Chidi? It's hilarious.
- No! - Okay, here's my ruling.
It's not against the rules for the four new humans to have connections to the original four.
- Simone and John can stay.
- Booyah.
But it was kind of a dirty trick, so Michael can erase Simone's memory to the point before she met any of you.
Have fun with your ex, Chidi.
What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh, right.
Eat butt, you ding dongs.
Okay, okay.
Focus, team.
Michael and I will prep for Simone.
Tahani, keep an eye on John.
Jason, talk to no one.
Go nowhere.
- Do nothing.
- I won't let you down.
Okay, go, guys.
- Are you okay? - I no.
Very obviously, no.
Look, you could spend 100 years in this neighborhood before you even run into Simone.
It'll be easy to avoid her.
No, no, but we don't want me to avoid her.
The whole plan is that I'm supposed to help them learn ethics so they can improve.
Okay, okay.
We can deal with that later.
Let's just take this step by step.
Step one, you leave so I can snap your amnesiac ex-girlfriend out of her post-death coma and welcome her into fake heaven.
That's step one? [UNEASY MUSIC.]
- Janet? - Hi, there.
Give me your opinion.
Is this a savage insult? "Nice shirt.
Who designed it? Marc Fake-obs?" For people in your social class, that is 84% savage.
Although there is a 29% chance he responds, "Oh, honey," in a tone so devastating you will think of it every day for the rest of time.
I like those odds.
I'll go lay it on him now.
That's exactly what the Bad Place wants me to do.
They sent John here to drag me back into my old patterns insecurity, obsession with social status.
I shan't let it happen.
John, I'm happy you're here with me.
This is going to be good for both of us, and I look forward to putting the past behind us and becoming your friend.
Oh, my God.
You are so cute.
You are so cute, it's gross.
You disgust me.
I love you.
Get out of here.
I never want to see you again.
I love you so much.
Hi, Simone.
I'm Eleanor.
Come on in.
So, as a neuroscientist, are you surprised there's an afterlife? I am, frankly.
I mean, there's a decent chance this entire thing is just a complex electrochemical reaction caused by my synapses randomly firing in the millisecond after my death.
But this fro-yo is amazing, so I'm just gonna roll with it.
What flavor did you get? I got a twist half strawberry, half male-coworker-gets-called- out-for-stealing-your-ideas.
- Ooh, those go great together.
- Mmm.
- Hi.
- Mmm, hi.
Wow, all the other residents seem so nice.
- The residents are great, yes.
But, uh, don't feel like you need to get to know all of them right away.
Maybe just talk to Michael and me for the first I dunno, 6,000 years or so.
Anyway, you just chill, baby girl.
We'll check in with you later.
That went pretty well, right? I've always been good at pretending I've never met people before.
It's kinda my go-to power move.
I think this new dynamic may actually be good.
You know, it gives me more time to observe and plan.
You'll be the face of the operation and I'll be the mastermind behind the scenes, like Cyrano De Bergerac.
Like, Kris Jenner.
Oh! Totally.
Yeah, I think this is gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
- No, it won't.
It won't be okay, which is why you need to erase my memory and reboot me.
What are you talking about? No forking way.
- We're not rebooting you.
- Shawn was right.
Bringing Simone to this neighborhood, it's checkmate.
It completely neutralizes me.
I'll be too freaked out to help the new residents.
The only way to outflank Shawn is to make it so I don't remember Simone.
So, you have to run into your ex occasionally.
That's a part of life, man.
I used to run into my exes all the time at the mall, at the dentist office, when I drunk texted them and told them to come over.
Look, Simone is really perceptive.
I might slip up and reveal something.
Look, this isn't just about me feeling awkward around my ex.
It's more about, if I am awkward around my ex, everyone gets tortured forever.
No, there has to be another way.
Oh, I've got it.
Just remove Simone from Chidi's memory and keep everything else.
- Boom.
- It doesn't work that way.
You all spent a lot of time together, so his memories of you and her are all swirled together.
But let's keep thinking.
Guys, I've thought about this from every angle.
If we don't wipe my memory, I will, one way or the other, ruin the experiment.
- You know I'm right.
- No.
No, man.
It can't be, because if we erase your memory all the way back to before you met Simone, that includes Australia and the study and the Soul Squad and everything.
- That would be erasing - Us.
I know.
So, the plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.
The judge has given us until tomorrow morning before we have to bring in the other two subjects.
Tahani, the welcome party will be tomorrow night.
Next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident.
I won't know any of you.
So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and we ate pizza together? No, buddy, I won't.
Will you remember when we ordered the pizza? No.
Will you remember pizza? Will I remember what pizza is? Yeah.
I'll still know what pizza is.
- Okay, so not a total loss.
- But this is awful.
You two won't be together anymore.
I haven't met a more perfect couple since I set up Drake with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Yes, we will no longer be together.
The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork blork of all time.
Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme.
I appreciate that attention to detail.
Hang on.
I'm not giving up yet.
Let's have an old-fashioned brainstorming session.
We'll get Chinese food, and we'll throw pencils and stick them in the ceiling, and someone will say something innocuous and I'll say, "Wait.
Say that again.
" Michael, if there was another choice, we'd choose it.
Believe me.
You like learning about humans, right? This is a classic human situation.
Your friends are going through something awful, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Anyway, let's just rip the Band-Aid off.
Snappy, snappy, wipey, wipey.
I need a few minutes to work it all out, so [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I hate this.
And I'm sorry.
And did I say that I hate this? Because I hate this.
You don't need to apologize for making a huge sacrifice to save your friends.
This is why people love moral philosophy professors.
Well, how about this? Every time you see me get a stomach ache, imagine I'm thinking of you.
So, all the time? Exactly.
Sorry to interrupt.
I wanted to give both of you something before we do this.
Think of it as a going-away present.
I don't normally cry at movies [SCOFFS.]
But that one was pretty good [SNIFFS.]
That girl was hot.
The guy was, too.
I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.
Except you won't.
That's what's so scary about this whole thing.
I'm gonna miss you.
You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.
I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.
It's not a joke.
I'm a legit snack.
- But I believe in you.
I am not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.
I wish we had more time together.
Oh, time means nothing.
Jeremy Bearimy, baby.
We'll just get through this.
And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the eye forever.
We'll be okay.
We found each other before hundreds of times.
We can do it again.
Bye, Chidi.
- Janet? - [SOFT BEEP.]
- Hi, there.
- Hi, Janet.
Can you just, you know, like, tell me the answer? Sorry? You know, the answer to everything.
You know all there is to know in the universe.
Crunch the numbers.
Tell me the answer.
What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the answer.
I know how you feel.
Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason have no recognition of me.
It felt like right before someone pushes a plunger and murders you.
The more human I become, the less things make sense.
But that's part of the fun, right? What do you mean? If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special.
It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design.
It would just be a big, dumb food processor.
But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria.
In all this randomness and this pandemonium, you and Chidi found each other, and you had a life together.
Isn't that remarkable? Pandemonium is from "Paradise Lost.
" Milton called the center of hell, "Pandemonium," meaning, "place of all demons.
" Chidi tricked me into reading "Paradise Lost" by telling me Satan was, and I quote, "my type.
" A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee.
- I mean, he wasn't wrong.
- Oh, no.
That's very on brand for you.
I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium, find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.
We'll do this together.
In the words of the man that I love, "I got you, dog.
" - Thanks, Janet.
- Mmm.
You know, for a robot, you make a really good girl friend.
I'm one out of three of those things, but thank you.
Good luck.
Hi, Chidi.
I'm Eleanor.
Come on in.

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