The Great Indian Kapil Show (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

Diamonds of Heeramandi

Come on!
Kapil! Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
Kapil! Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
-Thank you!
-Kapil! Kapil!
Hello and welcome to
The Great Indian Kapil Show.
A hearty welcome to all of you!
-What is this, Kapil?
After opening this lovely café,
you've put up a pani puri stall.
It doesn't matter how good your café is,
it is only frequented by men
and boys. Women never visit.
I see!
Such is the situation of my café.
Only fathers are coming
to eat my maa ki dal.
That's why I put up this stall,
hoping to attract female customers.
Even though Newton discovered gravity,
only a pani puri seller
puts it to correct use.
A girl who requires two minutes
to descend from the second floor
only takes 30 seconds to come down
upon hearing the pani puri seller.
Those golgappa and pani puri sellers
are a mischievous bunch.
They serve women so politely.
The seller will watch a girl patiently.
He'll allow her to chew properly
and finish the first one
before serving the next.
But if it's a guy,
he won't even look at him.
One on the plate,
and one in his mouth
Sometimes, they eat so quickly
-it ends up coming out of their noses!
-Oh, God!
You all must have noticed one thing.
Each of you must have experienced
a first date already.
Girls tend to be more reserved
on their first date.
When the boy and girl are sitting
together, they don't talk much.
"Did you have any problem getting here?"
"Not at all."
"Did anyone see you?"
"No one saw me."
"Was there traffic?"
"There was no traffic."
She doesn't open her mouth at all.
But the sight of pani puri
makes her mouth open so wide
she can land the golgappa
without breaking it.
Then she cracks it inside her mouth
using her sharp tongue,
and she savors it.
A pani puri stall offers many advantages,
yet it has only one drawback.
All the girls come to the stall and say,
"Bhaiya, one plate of pani puri, please."
And that's why,
I have a solution for it.
-What is it?
-Look at this.
"If you call me bhaiya,
you won't get a sookhi paapdi."
You won't get one!
"You will also be charged GST."
What's going on?
Do you want to puke?
My mouth is watering!
I can't stop drooling.
Exactly as I mentioned,
once I set up a pani puri stall
Even though she's only part woman,
-finally someone's here.
-Give me one plate.
-Here. Now get lost.
Are you new in this business?
In this business, "one plate"
refers to one serving of pani puri.
I can't serve you right now.
My hands are dirty.
Pani puri is said to taste best
when served with dirty hands!
Oh, my God! Pani puri!
Stand behind.
-Get out of my way.
-Stand behind me!
-Move aside
-You are in Q-U-U-E.
-You are in
-There's a Q-U-U-E here.
What do you mean?
Are you illiterate?
What do you think Q-U-U-E means?
It's a Q-U-U-E.
There's a line here.
Get in line. Do you understand?
I will eat first
because I came here first.
Yes, but after you had left
I was the one who came here!
Get lost, you two!
How can we just leave?
Kaps, give us some pani puri.
If you give me pani puri,
I'll offer you
a complimentary trip on my flight.
Your flight itself
is tripping over some issues!
All three wheels
on the airplane are different.
The first wheel is from a cart,
the second is from a bus,
and the third is from a truck.
It's the only flight that encounters
turbulence while still on the ground.
The other day,
the flight was on the ground.
The air hostess came and asked,
"What would you like to eat?"
I said, "First, stand straight."
-Give some pani puri to us.
-Give some pani puri to us.
-Yes, please!
-No, listen to me. Get lost!
-Just one.
-Get lost! Go away!
-It's good that you're here.
I was wondering
what I could show them
to spoil their mood
and get them to leave.
And here you are!
I'm not asking for it for free.
Whenever I have a customer,
I'll send them to you, okay?
And I will do announcements for free.
No. There's no need for that.
No one can make announcements
better than me. Watch.
Have some pani puri!
Have some bhel puri!
-Come here.
I will slap you!
Are you standing under a bridge?
What is this? This is an airport!
It's a five-star A seven-star airport!
-Right. Okay.
-English style.
Okay. Have some pani puri.
Have some bhel puri.
Hey, come here.
Your accent is quite impressive.
Why don't you try begging in London?
Listen, I'll make the announcement.
-I'll show you how it's done.
Mic Give me a mic with a stand!
I'll attract the customers.
Guys, can you help me
in attracting customers?
What do you want?
I'm saying, "Do you want golgappa?"
Play something nice, okay?
Not on pizza
Not on pasta
-Not on pastries either
There's a sale on pani puri
Not on pizza
Not on pasta
Not on pastries either
There's a sale on pani puri
Not on pizza
Not on pastries
Not on pasta either
There's a sale on pani puri
What is this? What is this?
-Why are you stopping an artist?
-I was just trying to do this step.
-Was that an announcement?
I will show you
how the announcements are made.
-How are they made?
Attention please, passengers.
-A pani puri stall
-Pani puri?
A pani puri stall
has been set up
at gate number 20 in the airport.
Please come over here
and grab your plates.
It worked!
Bhaiya, pani puri for all of us.
Hurry up.
We are all out of pani puri.
-What do you mean?
There is so much over here.
It's over for those who call me bhaiya.
Kapil! Pani puri.
Yeah, why not?
Please take your plate.
For those who call me bhaiya,
each plate is ten lakh rupees.
-Ten lakh?
Call me baby,
and it'll be 20 rupees a plate.
Call me jaanu,
and it'll be ten rupees a plate.
Thank you.
Okay, pack some for me.
-How many should I pack, ma'am?
-Come on, serve them some golgappas.
Will they really not serve me, Archana ji?
They actually won't give me any?
I've been calling him bhaiya
for so many years. What should I do?
-This has onion. Don't serve it to them.
-Well, the owner will eat it.
Please give me a spicy one, jaanu.
Come on, Kapil, even I want some.
Serve her first.
Don't you hear her calling me Kapil?
I've got it now. Thank you, bhaiya!
-Raju ji
-Our stall has been robbed.
Tell me something.
I thought since they are movie stars,
they would be mindful of where they eat,
but they just won't budge.
Carry on. We'll be right back.
So, ma'am, should we
order something for you?
-Shall we sit?
Beautiful girls are found
only in two places.
At pani puri stalls
and Sanjay Leela Bhansali sahab's films.
Take a look.
Sanjeeda, this is your first time
on our show.
-That's right.
-Did you really think
you can't laugh because
your name is Sanjeeda?
Not at all. Do you feel that way?
Then keep coming often.
It's your first time here.
You've never invited me so politely.
I didn't know you would come
if I called you.
Sanjeeda looks so lovely.
And this year, she has been amazing.
Before Heeramandi, she did a film
with Hrithik Roshan called Fighter.
-Now, she will be seen in Heeramandi.
Today, she has accomplished something
even Sanjay Leela Bhansali sahab couldn't.
-She came directly to my show!
An achievement indeed!
Congratulations to all of you
for Heeramandi.
You all look incredibly lovely
and beautiful. I'm at a loss for words.
He says that to everyone. I know it.
He gets so happy when he sees women. Gosh!
Don't you get happy when you see Old Monk?
Everyone has their own preference.
All of you are posing so beautifully
and gracefully in the trailer.
That's Dinesh playing the guitar.
He bumped into the TV twice
because he thought you were calling him!
Then he googled, "Where is Heeramandi"?
Then he heard a voice saying,
"Look for a sabzi mandi instead!"
Welcome to the show.
-Thank you.
-Please take your seats.
All of Bhansali sahab's films
feature grandiose sets.
Even the cast is huge and beautiful.
That's why I have noticed
that Bhansali sahab stays engrossed
and he keeps shooting throughout the year.
Even when shooting extends beyond
the scheduled pack-up time of six o'clock,
no one complains,
even if they continue shooting till eight.
They think, "We have to go home
and see our wives."
"Let's just stay here
and enjoy this delightful view!"
Everyone is so glad today,
even the cameraman.
We have set up
14 to 15 cameras today.
But everyone is a little sad,
-except for this cameraman.
He's the only guy
who will come closer to take shots,
everyone else will sit in their place.
This cameraman is so ecstatic today
that he stepped on my mother's foot twice!
Witnessing such abundant beauty today
has alleviated the dryness
in everyone's eyes.
I would like to start
with Manisha ji first.
Sanjay Leela Bhansali
debuted in films with Khamoshi.
Manisha ji worked in his debut film.
Now, he is debuting on OTT.
And once again, Manisha ji is with him.
Manisha ji, didn't you ever ask him,
"Am I your Debut Ratnani?"
-Debut Ratnani!
Almost 28 years ago,
I read the script of Khamoshi.
-Has it been 28 years?
Gosh! Look at her!
Does it feel like it has been 28 years?
It was a wonderful script.
When I got the call, I was in Nepal.
And I was called for Heeramandi.
When I read the script
and spoke to Sanjay,
I was so thrilled!
You all know that Manisha
is Bhansali sahab's favorite.
So, whenever he conducts a ceremony
for the piece of land he purchases,
does he invite you there as well?
Sonakshi has played
a very different character in this series
whose motive is to seize
the throne of Heeramandi.
So, Sonakshi,
what did Sanjay sir see in you
that he gave you Archana ji's role?
She's an expert in seizing things.
Why do you tolerate this?
-What can I say?
Come on. She bought
two bungalows just by tolerating me!
You all know Sharmin.
-I want to tell you all a secret.
-Raise your hand.
Sanjay Leela Bhansali sahab
is her uncle.
-She has even assisted him.
Now, she has a role in his series.
Did he audition you or did you
call in a favor since he's your uncle?
I auditioned for a year.
So, technically,
I pulled in some favors for a year.
-Even you had to audition?
For a year. Sixteen times.
This is what happens.
She had to audition
even though they are related,
unlike you who used threats
to secure a spot on the show.
Aditi, how are you?
You look lovely. You're glowing.
-Thank you.
Aditi has such sharp features.
The pani puri guy was
making holes in the puris, right?
She could have done this and
Aditi, you're glowing so much today.
Do you drink lots of water,
or are you just happy to see me?
Oh, God!
Richa, I want to congratulate you
on Heeramandi.
-Thank you.
-But there's another thing as well.
She is making progress
on her family series as well.
We noticed on social media
that you were planning a family.
-I'm truly glad.
-So, what
-It certainly wasn't a plan!
-Well, it's God's grace.
-But many congratulations to you
-Well, Ali also contributed, but
What's the total number
of episodes you're planning for?
Considering the population of India,
a limited edition
mini-series will be good.
-What do you say?
-I was asking about Heeramandi's episodes.
I don't know!
Sonakshi, I want to ask you this.
Alia got married. Kiara got married.
Is your character in Heeramandi
negative or positive?
I was afraid she might get offended.
So, I changed the question. Anyway
Now you're adding insult to injury.
-No, no.
Since he tied the knot, he seems eager
for everyone else to do the same.
That's what I'm saying.
He knows how desperately
I want to get married!
We're done shooting for Heeramandi
and I'm still not married!
Sharmin also got married!
And Richa.
-Oh, yeah! I got married.
-She got married, and now she's pregnant.
Right after the shoot was over
It was good practice for me.
My outfits weighed 30 kilos.
And later, when I wore
my wedding outfits,
I felt like they weighed nothing.
No weight.
I could easily jump around and play.
It felt so light.
It felt like nothing to you,
but you should ask your husband.
He would have felt it.
Sanjeeda, you've worked
in the TV industry for quite some time.
Now, you worked with a director known for
his meticulous attention to detail.
Sometimes on TV, we have
to make compromises on a few things
because of telecast issues
and the episode must still go on air.
What was the difference between
working on TV and with Sanjay sir?
Kapil, the opportunity
to work with Sanjay sir
is a lifetime experience for me.
However, the difference is that
I have evolved as an actor.
And I hope people
like my work in the series.
And I think I feel confident
that they will like it.
That's amazing.
Ma'am, let's talk about
the first day on set.
Irrespective of the film you're doing,
Sanjay sir's films are especially
known for their grandeur,
huge sets, and impactful stories,
there's always a degree of nervousness
on the first day.
-The good actors feel more nervous
because expectations from them
are higher.
-Did you also feel this nervousness?
-Everyone did.
Before every scene.
In fact, I commenced my shoot's
first day with a Mujra performance.
The first day of my shoot
commenced with a dance sequence.
How many rehearsals
did you undergo for the dance?
Because usually, several
rehearsals are conducted.
-And for Sanjay
-He doesn't make us rehearse.
-He never makes us do rehearsals.
-Whatever it is, he changes it on the set.
-On the set.
-On the set. Everything is on the set.
-He changes it.
In fact, we rehearsed for the song
that was shot featuring me.
-That was added later.
So, we rehearsed for it
and I learned all the steps.
We went to the set and shot the song
from twelve o'clock to three o'clock
with whatever we had rehearsed.
At three o'clock, Sir said,
"This is not working for me."
-"Let's change it."
-Oh, gosh!
And that's when
he created a piece on set
and decided to shoot the song
in a single take.
So, from start to finish,
we shot that song in one take
and I think history has been created
-on a Sanjay Leela Bhansali set.
-The song was done in four minutes!
Too good!
-Plant trees, bhidu.
-Plant trees!
Plant trees!
Plant trees wherever
you find a spot, bhidu!
And keep watering it
from time to time.
That's why I planted a creeper
in this bottle.
Plant a creeper!
This is C for Chunni Babu
welcoming H for Heeramandi's team.
-Heeramandi's team is over here.
-We are here.
-Kapil, I have a big problem.
Every time I see beautiful women,
the words "I love you" naturally come out.
So, I'm going to do the entire episode
watching Archana ji.
He's laughing!
If I look at them
I love you. I love you Oh, bhidu!
Good God!
-"I love you" slipped out!
-It slipped out!
But this is amazing, bhidu.
-Sir, your dhoti is undone from behind.
-Love you.
Love you.
Where is the lead of your series?
They all are the leads, sir.
The main lead in Bhansali sahab's films
is the chandelier!
The chandelier enters first,
then the hero and heroine enter.
A big round of applause for Manisha ji.
Love you, Manisha ji.
What an actor!
What an actor, bhidu! What an actor!
-Thank you.
-Manisha ji.
-In Sanju, you played Ranbir's mother.
-I did.
Then in Shehzada,
you played Kartik's mother.
Why don't you play
Tiger's mother in one film?
Because I will play his father
in that film, bhidu!
Richa ji, congratulations to you.
You are going to be a mother.
-God bless you.
-Thank you.
As your senior,
-I want to tell you something.
Children will be born
and they will grow up.
You know, we give chocolates to children
saying, "Dear, take this chocolate.
Go and eat it outside."
"Mom and Dad have some work to do."
Don't do that!
Don't do that, bhidu!
Times have changed now.
-Children have grown smarter.
-I see. Yeah.
Kapil, the other day,
Tiger was sitting with his friend.
He said to me, "Dad, go out
and have a chocolate."
Come and sit here, sir.
Of course, bhidu.
This is so much fun. Feels so nice.
I'm so happy today.
What's your purpose here, Chunni Babu?
-To fall.
-I have a complaint, bhidu.
-Against whom?
-I'm very angry with Bhansali sahab.
I did so much for Bhansali sahab.
I just want to tell you, Sharmin,
-I remember
He was taking a shot of Shah Rukh
and the chandelier suddenly malfunctioned.
Later, I became a chandelier like this.
He pulled his dhoti up too high!
I posed as the chandelier for four hours.
-Yet, he didn't cast me in Heeramandi.
Sir, you know it features
an all-female cast.
You know it only takes me
two minutes to transform into a female.
But let me tell you,
after Dev Babu's demise
I ended up getting involved
with Chandramukhi.
For many years,
we kept writing to each other.
And after many years,
we are going to meet today.
-She must be on her way.
-I see.
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my!
-"Oh, my!"
Greetings, Aunty.
Aunty, you danced so well.
-I really enjoyed it.
-Oh, God!
-Where is Chandramukhi?
C for Chunni Babu,
I'm your C for Chandramukhi.
Good God!
You are not Chandramukhi.
You are a baboon!
He is joking.
The words he penned for me
in those letters!
He had written,
"If you're my verse, I'll be your beat."
"Like Romeo and Juliet,
our love is complete."
There is more to it!
"If you are Lucknow, I'll be Moradabad."
"And, Sonakshi, if she is Chandramukhi,
I'll be left feeling sad!"
-What are you saying, Chunni Babu?
Do you recall how I'd stay up all night,
writing letters to you?
What did you write?
I wrote letters!
You failed the second grade.
You'd spend the whole night
writing just one letter.
That's not my fault.
I cannot believe that Chunni Babu
is saying these things to me.
Remember the things I did for you,
Chunni Babu?
I even sold my golden anklets
to send you cash for your booze.
Whenever he said,
"Bhidu, plant trees,"
I planted trees!
And now, with trees all around,
my house is hardly in sight.
I can do anything for you.
So, tell me the color of the slippers
you're wearing right now.
Tell me.
Oh, God!
Don't cry. Please don't cry.
You know, it's not his fault.
The fault lies with
-Sanjay Leela Bhansali!
It is Sanjay Leela Bhansali ji's fault.
He sent Dev Babu so far away.
He sent him so far away
that I did what any girl
with a broken heart would do.
I ate!
Medu vada, idli-vada, batata vada.
I devoured everything in sight!
And all that indulgence
led to this condition. What do I do?
Sonakshi ji, your elegance is unmatched.
If you show me the ways of gracefulness,
I will be able to I for impress
my C for Chunni Babu.
-Look down.
And then, look up slowly.
Now, that's grace! Witness it!
First, I looked down. Then, I looked up.
Do it without moving your eyebrows.
What are you doing?
She is the queen of Heeramandi.
And she looks like an eggplant
straight from the vegetable market!
-That's the right attitude!
-You are no knight in shining armor!
Come here.
Hey, Chunni Babu!
Chunni Babu, my foot!
He's like a stolen penny from Chor Bazaar!
He's a fake!
-Look, bhidu
-Hey, I'll snap you like a twig!
I'll rip you apart
and scatter you like confetti!
Some more!
"Bhidu, bhidu, bhidu!"
What "bhidu"?
-I was saying
-What were you saying?
What were you saying?
I was saying,
do you want some anda kadi patta?
Do you want some? Do you?
Have a good time here, all of you.
I'll go and get him some chocolates.
Let's go. Come on.
Bye, bhidu!
Come on! Keep walking!
As you all know,
we are in the age of social media.
Whenever someone wears nice clothes,
they're eager to snap a selfie
and share it on social media right away.
That's true.
The first look of all our actresses
was unveiled in the official teaser.
Before that, for a whole year,
they did not release any pictures.
You all looked so beautiful.
You dressed up every day.
How did you manage to stop yourself?
Was it some allopathic medicine
or did you opt for Ayurveda?
How did you stop yourself?
Every time we thought
about posting a picture,
Sanjay sir's face would pop up
-in front of us.
-His face would pop up!
-Posting photos is another thing.
-My phone is filled with photos.
I've not clicked a single picture.
-Even I don't have a single photo.
-Very few pictures.
-I have lots.
-Yeah, actually
-You have
-I have. I have lots.
A lot!
Normally, the clothes the outfits
and saris you're wearing today,
they're quite difficult to carry.
-But those costumes are truly so heavy.
-Very heavy.
-The jewelry is heavy.
Ma'am, didn't you face
any problems because of that?
I think Definitely, it was very heavy
but we enjoyed it.
We enjoyed every part of wearing
the outfit, the jewelry
Everything is picked up by Sanjay
and approved by him
and then we carried it all.
-On some days
-The hair pieces were quite heavy too.
For each of us, it's specifically picked
-depending on the character.
-Yeah. The character.
-Once you wear it, you feel good.
-You forget about the difficulties.
-Then you forget all discomfort.
In this series, we see four girls
holding Manisha ma'am's lehenga.
-That scene! That scene, yes.
-Right? Yes.
-We would go to the set like that.
We would get ready,
four people would hold our lehengas
-and we would walk.
-During the Mujra sequence,
water fountains encircled the setting.
Whenever I twirled while dancing,
I nearly lost my balance.
So, Sanjay sir said that I was short
and directed me to stand at the back.
He said, "She will fall."
Aditi, how heavy was your lehenga?
I think it weighed more than I do.
For sure.
Well, we are sure of it.
The way four girls would hold
your lehenga while walking,
-when Archana ji goes out to party
-Oh, God!
four people are needed
to help her sit in the car.
Bhansali sahab's films have a big
star cast as well as a massive staff.
They were shooting in Film City recently,
and a makeup man
was hurrying somewhere.
I asked, "If all the actresses are
standing here, where is he going?"
Someone said,
"He's the horse's hairstylist."
Yes. Seriously.
I asked, "What does he do?"
He said, "After every shot, he straightens
the horse's tail with a straightener."
Whenever he is guiding us, he says,
"You don't have to do much."
"You're wearing a 20-kilo lehenga."
"You will spin around eight times.
And when you hit the mark,
you have to stop there, look up,
and shed a tear from your left eye."
Oh, wow!
And we're like, "Okay, sure."
-"Is that all?"
-"Is that all?"
You must have seen in the posters
-that I have flowers on my head.
Those roses had to be
changed several times.
In the beginning, the roses
were like this, then they wilted.
Yes, that happened.
He said, "The rose has gone mad.
Get rid of it!"
One day, he saw a thread.
-A thread?
-Oh, no!
In the tight close-up, he noticed
a thread sticking out from the dress.
-Cut. Retake.
Sometimes, the decorative lamp
would snuff out in the back.
A retake for that.
Sometimes, the curtain
wasn't properly creased.
-A retake for that.
Sometimes, the drape
of the dress wasn't right.
-A retake for that.
-Even the chair is working.
I mean it has character.
-All the props on the set
Even the curtain in the background
has to work.
Even the props have to act.
-He scrutinizes every small detail.
-When there are about 200 people on set
and with such level of detailing
That's the only way
you get what you get.
-And that larger-than-life vision of his,
it is This is the way.
Seriously, all of us know Sanjay sir.
-We have seen his work.
I don't think anyone else
has a vision like he does.
-You asked me earlier
"What did he see in you
to cast you in this role?"
He saw something
that no one else did!
So, everything that he does
Well, he can do anything he desires!
All of you are skilled artists
and fantastic performers.
A lot of people wanted me
to ask the cast of Heeramandi
about their best day
and their worst day on the set.
I would like to say this.
We never felt like we were exhausted.
I mean, we were all tired,
but there was always a sense of
There's a sense of,
"We've done good work."
So, I don't think I've ever returned home
without feeling good about the work.
My best day was also my worst day.
-Because it was my worst day at first.
I see.
What's your highest number of retakes?
I think my score is the highest.
-What is it?
-Do you mean the dance sequence?
Yeah. Ninety-nine.
-Ninety-nine retakes?
-I thought I was the highest!
-What were you doing?
Everyone, say your scores now.
Even I want to know.
I don't think I went over 12.
-Even mine's about 12 or 13.
And even then, my tears were here.
For dance sequences,
having 12 or 13 rehearsals is normal.
-Dance sequences, yes.
I fell short of reaching a century.
You know, it's not easy.
People think it's easy.
Imagine that you're dancing
with about 200 to 300 extras watching you,
and you're unable to perform well.
But when you overcome that, you feel like
"Wow, I didn't know I could do this!"
-Yeah. That's a great feeling.
We have heard that Bhansali sir
uses various methods.
For example, during Bajirao Mastani,
he didn't let Deepika and Priyanka meet
so that the tension
between them persisted.
-Did he use any such method with you?
-Not at all.
-No, we got along very well. All of us.
But they say that
when numerous female actors work together,
clashes are bound to occur.
-In the industry, it's believed so.
-Not at all.
-Not at all.
-Their makeup rooms ought to be separate.
-So, how was that
-I'm pretty sure
-it was a man who spread this rumor.
-A man spread this rumor. Absolutely!
-Let me hear an applause!
Our script had so much drama
that we didn't have any space
-for real-life drama.
-We had no time.
Are you all working with each other
for the first time?
So, what were your impressions
of each other?
I think everyone individually
is a very different type of actor.
So, individually,
we are pretty strong, Kapil.
But when we come together, then
-We're really amazing.
-Then we rule!
Yes, then it's magic.
Nice one.
I must tell you that our show
is trending in 192 countries,
but Heeramandi is also trending
all over the world.
On the other days,
this man's scooter doesn't stop.
How did it stop today, Engineer sahab?
I think it's a male scooter.
He stopped
because there are some women here.
Guess what's in the bag?
It's visible.
You all saw it. You didn't guess it.
Now, guess what's in this?
-Again, mangoes.
-Yes, mangoes.
No, it contains the king of fruits.
Each bag has six kings in it.
-So, 12 kings.
And here, we have one king of fools.
I'm not a king, bhaisahab.
You called me a king,
but I'm certainly no king.
Actually, I'm the runway engineer.
Runway Engineer Chumbak Mittal.
-What engineer?
-Runway engineer.
I'm a bird's pilot.
-Bird pilot?
-Bird's pilot.
Bird's pilot.
Be direct with them! Ma'am, you know
those birds that sit on the runway?
-He drives them away.
Generally, people who operate airplanes
on the runway are referred to as pilots.
And those who drive away birds
are called bird's pilots.
Who says that?
I mean, we can say that.
Why would you say that?
I mean
you should call them that.
Just accept it. Look over here.
Fine. He's a bird's pilot.
By the way, why did you give us mangoes?
I was walking past a stall.
The stall owner said something,
so I had to buy them.
-What did he say?
-What was it?
He said, "I'm selling them
at a low price, take them."
-He said another good thing.
He said, "Bhabhi ji will like them."
Actually, I'm single.
-I see.
-I'm not married.
But when the mango seller said,
"Bhabhi ji will like them,"
I thought he was manifesting
on my behalf.
And I love manifesting.
You know One minute, please.
One minute.
I love manifesting.
And I have been manifesting
for a long time
Now I get why you're unmarried.
I have such a strong belief
in manifesting. You won't believe.
I place ladies' sandals
at the entrance of my house.
I even hang out a nighty
to dry on my balcony.
And you know, I also sleep like this.
-How sweet!
-Why do you sleep like that?
I manifest my wife
laying her head on my arm.
Yesterday morning, when I woke up,
I was manifesting my wife
making tea in the kitchen.
-I manifested for more than two hours.
Then I realized my wife was sleeping here.
How could she make tea?
Please eat these mangoes.
I bought them for you.
-How do we eat them?
-I'll have them sliced.
Pakya ji
Don't pay any attention
to what he says, ma'am.
Just like Bhansali sahab
has horses on his set,
we have donkeys on ours.
-I never saw those donkeys.
-Generally, they are invisible.
But once they open their mouths,
we know they're around.
-Are you comfortable?
-Are you?
-What about you?
-Can I get comfortable?
-I'm not in a hurry to get married.
It's not like I'm getting old
and have to rush into marriage.
Right. You're past that stage now.
Actually, I have a reason to get married.
-I'm facing a problem.
-I see.
-My neighbors are a couple.
And the lady from that couple
has her eye on me.
The other day, she came to my door
and rang the doorbell.
I opened the door,
and she said, "Chumbak."
I said, "Yes?" She said,
"There's no one at home. Come over."
I went over.
She was wearing a purple sari.
She locked the door.
She asked me, "What would you
like to have?" I said, "Tea."
She said, "You drink tea every day.
I'll serve you something different today."
What happened next?
As she went inside to get the drink,
the doorbell rang.
She screamed, "My husband is back!
My husband is back!"
I said, "What is this?"
She said, "There's the grinding mill.
Grab some wheat and start grinding."
"And don't look up." I said, "Okay."
I started grinding the wheat.
I ground 30 to 35 kilograms
of wheat that day.
After that, she said, "Leave."
She came back after a few days.
She was wearing a purple sari again.
She said, "There is no one at home.
Come over."
I went there.
As soon as she went inside
to get a drink,
she said, "My husband is back."
She said, "Start painting the wall
in front of you with that brush."
And I painted it.
Next time,
she made me scrub the floor.
A few days later,
her husband came over to my house.
He said to me, "Chumbak."
I said, "Yes?" He said, "My wife is not
at home, and our shower is not working."
"Will you come and fix it,
or do I need to put on a purple sari?"
Oh, look!
The king of fruits is here.
Please have some.
Is that how you people eat it?
-Eating it like that isn't any fun.
Let me show you how it's done.
Would you like to eat it this way?
-No way.
Listen, you are drunk.
You've had large shots.
-Please leave.
-Not like this.
-I have a request.
Actually, I have to go back
to my village.
Since such big celebrities come here,
I want to take pictures with them
and send them to my relatives.
So, can any of you
take a picture with me?
You know, they will believe me.
We'll all have our pictures
taken with you.
Bring that over here.
I see!
Please come. Here.
Take a picture, bhaisahab.
-He's taking pictures, bhaisahab. Look.
-Is he?
-He's already at it.
-Is that so?
-Did you take the pictures?
-He did.
Thank you! Thank you very much!
Attention, please.
This is the final call for the flight
from Mumbai to Heeramandi.
The boarding gates
will be closed in five minutes.
Thank you.
Okay, Aunty. Okay.
Okay, at least play our song
before the boarding gates close.
"Sakal Ban."
Come on!
Let's give a big round of applause
for the beautiful cast!
-Thank you, girls! Thank you! Love you!
-Thank you!
Thank you, guys. Good night. Take care.
-See you all next Saturday on Netflix.
-Thank you!
-Thank you!
-Thank you!
They say no ad comes on Netflix.
But today, we have Ed Sheeran on our show!
You're a global sensation.
How do you feel after meeting
another global sensation?
This is Ed's third visit to India.
Two times, he couldn't meet me.
But this time,
he has specially came to meet me.
No, no. I have a show in Mumbai.
Gonda ka launda.
"Launda" means a sexy dude.
So, launda from Gonda.
The day has come
Lakhan Pal's birthday has come
You are the lead singer of our
Chak-Chak Dhoom Orchestra!
"Bade-bade shehron mein
chhoti-chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain."
"Pushpa! Jhukega nahi saala."
"Jhukega nahi saala."
How many tattoos do you have?
-A lot. A lot. Yeah, all over my
All over the body.
All over the back, legs.
So, you don't need to wear
pants and shirts.
This is honestly
I do these shows all around the world.
This is the craziest, most fun.
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