The Great North (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

Wanted Delmer Alive Adventure

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
HONEYBEE: So no one in this family - has ever bought shorts before? - Absolutely not.
If you want shorts, buy pants, wear 'em till the knees give out, and cut 'em off like a normal person.
Honestly, the entire shorts industry should be shut down.
- Bunch of crooks.
- [phone rings.]
You've reached the cellular device of Beef, owner of device speaking.
Got it.
Be right there.
Now, don't freak out, but that was the hospital.
Delmer bonked his head eating soup too fast.
He just slipped right out of his chair.
- Oh, no.
- Papa D.
- Chairs are tricky.
- I want that soup brought to justice.
They're releasing him, but he can't drive himself.
I'm gonna go pick him up.
Aw, it's so nice/weird that your dad is best friends with a sweet 80-year-old man.
Their personalities are the same age.
Oh, yeah, Dad and Delmer have always been super close.
Delmer's kids were grown and moved away, and Dad's parents were fun but absolutely bonkers.
And not always around.
So whenever he needed help - Or advice.
- Or someone to help him with his homework who knew the entire alphabet.
Grandpa was pretty good up to "Q," but after that he'd just circle back to "A.
" Dad would just go over to Uncle Delmer's.
- He was his rock.
- Everyone needs a rock.
Personally, my rock is The Rock.
Have you guys seen Skyscraper? He humiliates that dumb-ass building.
BEEF: Ding-dong.
Delmer's here.
And he might have a concussion.
You can't have this angel yet.
- You hear me? - Who are these people? Those hippies from the news? [gasps.]
He's got jimjam amnesia! Ha-ha! Gotcha! My brain works fine.
- Oh! [laughs.]
- Good one, D.
- I was got.
- But if I ever lose my wits like that, flip me into the wood chipper, will you? You have my word.
The doctor recommended we keep him up for the next four hours in case he has a concussion.
Four hours? Oh, that's way past my bedtime.
I'm usually tucked in by 9:00 p.
Now, who has a good idea of how to keep Delmer - awake for 240 minutes? - I could just bust out my pan flute and OTHERS: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! - Okay.
- I know.
We could tell some Delmer stories to keep Delmer awake.
You know, like the ones Dad used to tell us at bedtime.
Beef used to tell you stories about me? Oh, yeah.
Dad would tell us bedtime stories about the adventures you two had together.
They were very exciting.
Sometimes Dad would even have to swaddle me after to calm me down.
Personally, my favorite was always the one about the thing that fell from the sky.
Sure was.
Ham and Moon's, too.
It's got everything kids love: aliens, pee, buffets Yep.
It all started 30-some years ago.
When a young Dad and Uncle Brian were outside of this very house.
Being kissed by the cool night air.
- Beef! A shooting star! - Hmm.
Wait a second.
Our Farmers' Almanac didn't predict any meteor showers tonight.
But I guess nature can surprise you.
MOON: The next morning, Delmer was at Maude's.
Everyone was bebop'ing to the jukebox, the waitresses were all on roller skates, - and poodle skirts were poodlin'.
- BEEF: How old - do you think I am? - I'm describing the '80s.
That's the '50s.
You know what? Never mind.
Just keep going.
HAM: Delmer was waiting patiently to order his usual breakfast black coffee and a hard-boiled egg he brought from home when, to his surprise How surprising.
You're not my regular waitress.
Yeah, hon.
Moira's mysteriously gone missing.
My husband is also missing.
I emptied his bank account.
He would have wanted it that way.
HAM: Meanwhile, unable to find their parents when they woke that morning, Dad and Uncle Brian set off to find Delmer.
Delmer, we can't find Mom and Dad.
We've checked all their usual places the dumpster behind the pretzel factory, jail - but nothing.
- So, what can I get you? The check, please.
Time to go fishing for the truth.
I thought he was gonna say for fish.
I don't suppose you think Mom and Dad's disappearance has anything to do with that incredibly mysterious meteor we saw last night that crashed into the woods? I do suppose.
Come on, boys, kita.
HAM: So the three of them headed to the secret government headquarters in Delmer's dinosaur race car.
Dad added that part during Moon's heavy dinosaur phase.
MOON: Which is ongoing.
HAM: And they raced off to the building.
Wakey-wakey, don't die today-key.
Yep, I'm here.
JUDY: Once inside, they headed to the one place - all government secrets are kept - HAM: The administrative office.
DELMER: Hello.
I'd like the form that's used to figure out where all the adults in town - have gone, please.
- Mm-kay.
JUDY: But just then, the administrator got an itchy nose.
But not on her human nose on her nonhuman nose.
So she took her head off, revealing MOON: Dun, dun, dun! - That she was an alien! - [gasping.]
Ah, crud.
Did I just take my head off and reveal that I'm an alien? Hold on.
I can't see through this thing.
- Yep, you took it off.
- So, listen, we're going to put our human heads back on, and then we can all just pretend that none of this ever happened.
Okay? Everyone agree? Let's pinkie promise.
[Beef screaming.]
Let go of my brother! [screams.]
JUDY: And now that they officially knew that aliens had taken over the town, they officially had to check out that meteor.
So Dad led Delmer and Uncle Brian to the spot where he saw the glowing object land.
HAM: And that's when they found the town's adults being force-fed - from a massive buffet.
- JUDY: Because the aliens had a plan that was truly heinous from Uranus.
Bork Oh, poop bomb.
That's scary.
- I hope it doesn't go off.
- Yeah, it used to be just a regular bomb, but Dad added the poop because poop really makes Judy laugh.
It totally does.
Wait, Delmer, what's the Yupik word for "poop" again? - Anaq.
- [laughing.]
See? It's funny in any language.
- Oh, man.
- Judy, may I go on? Luckily, Delmer, the smartest person we know, happened to be fluent in Bork, so he was able to decipher what they were saying.
DELMER: Oh, no! Countdown clock! All the numbers are in Bork, but trust me, it's counting down.
We've got Bork minutes to go.
- Hey, buddy.
- Waka.
Just three hours to go till you can sleep.
That's right, but the residents of Lone Moose - didn't even have three hours.
- Because the aliens were planning to bomb the poop out of Lone Moose, Delmer, Dad and Uncle Brian ran back to Delmer's house to regroup.
MOON: That's when Delmer decided to take a think-and-pee, because he does all his best thinking while peeing.
HAM: But then a cold breeze blew in from the window and gave him the wiener shivers, causing him to jump.
And the alien tentacle he had pocketed earlier fell out! Pee hit the tentacle, and it shriveled up and disappeared! MOON: And that's when Delmer realized that the aliens might have loved poop, but pee would kill them instantly! JUDY: It was time to show those aliens why pee has always been number one.
HAM: Thus began Operation Golden Powers.
MOON: They drank all the liquids in the fridge and filled the balloons with pee.
JUDY: The aliens thought they had it all wrapped up as they celebrated.
But Pee-pee-ki-yay, mother-Borkers! - Say hello to my yellow friend! - Pee you in hell! HAM: They were really a bunch of catchphrase kings.
JUDY: And then Delmer figured out how to disarm the bomb.
Well, obviously it's the brown one.
For poop.
Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah! - Whoo-hoo! HAM: Then he freed all the adults, who all still really had to poop.
So they started pooping absolutely everywhere but with freedom and a deep sense of gratitude to Delmer.
MOON: And Dad and Uncle Brian found their parents and took them home to poop in peace.
The end.
Or was it? - It was.
- Fun story, kids.
I enjoyed the poop out of it.
- [yawns.]
- Uh-oh.
Someone's looking sleepy.
But don't worry, D, I'm gonna tell you my favorite Delmer story, and it's gonna knock your friggin' socks off! Okay, but fair warning, several of my toes are dead.
The story's about the time that Dad worked at that summer camp you owned, Camp Heck Yeah! Oh, Heck Yeah! Those were good times.
Sure, those seemed like good times, but underneath the surface, a terror lurked.
Ooh, are we doing a horror film set at summer camp? I'm very familiar with the genre.
I've seen them all.
Friday the 13th.
Cabin in the Woods.
Camp Scamps 2: Arnold's at It Again.
So I'll be able to jump in on the story.
Fade in Exterior.
Camp Heck Yeah! Day.
The camp was a classic teen camp right out of the actual '80s.
BEEF: It wasn't the '80s when I worked there, guys.
- I'm not that old.
- Agree to disagree.
WOLF: But like all summer sleepaway camps, there was a pack of counselors who only cared about being cool.
And the two dudes who cared the most were Deppy and Lawler.
They were both out to impress the hot girl counselor Kinberly.
And Duke was there, too.
Yeah, we hid the keg Lawler got in the woods.
- We're totally gonna party tonight.
- Gonna get so twisted.
I'm gonna get twisted and scrambled.
How about you, Beef, you gonna get warped? No.
I am not.
I plan to spend my free time honing my survival skills.
Whatever, Beef.
Have fun surviving.
WOLF: Then Delmer walked over to Dad for what's called the "tickling the baby" moment in the movie.
It's when the hero does something cool early on - to make you like them.
- Hey, Beef, you got that friction fire going nice and quick.
- So why the frown? - It's just that I thought all the other counselors here would be serious, outdoor-minded people, not a bunch of darn Silly Billies.
Okay, Beef, first, let's watch our language.
Sorry, Delmer.
Just because I don't like to get warped or fizzled or zip-zapped, I'm not cool? [groans.]
It's frustrating.
I know a lot of counselors here are real Party Patricks, and you're more of a fellow friend of nature.
But I'm always happy to work on survival skills with you, Beef.
- Ah, that'd be great.
- Well, first thing is my favorite knot.
Watch me.
That's a quick release knot.
Now, how about some advanced pocketknife skills? One thing I like to do is open all the little doodads on mine - and use it as a throwing star.
- WOLF: Oh, and that's one of those pieces of dialogue you should pay attention to, because it'll probably come back around later.
Oop! Look what time it is.
I think it's Rice Krispie Treat o'clock down at the mess hall.
HONEYBEE: Then there was one of those shots where you see them walking away together all nice, but then some weird ominous music starts to play like this: [wavering tones.]
Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.
And it's clear that the nice part of the movie is over and it's about to get creepy.
WOLF: That night the cool counselors were partying in the woods.
[loud spitting.]
Gross! This beer tastes like spicy beans! Oh, my God! What the hell is all this chunky stuff - on the side of the keg? - I don't know.
I found the keg sitting in the sun behind that abandoned chili restaurant near the toxic waste dump that's owned by that cult.
Oh, Chaz's Killer Chili.
Love that place.
Well, I'm definitely never making out with you now.
- Unless I'm super bored.
- [scoffs.]
Let's get out of here, Kinberly.
I've got some Swatch watches in my cabin I want to show you.
And I want to talk about how much I love the Berlin Wall.
Way to go, Lawler, you dingus.
- You blew it! - WOLF: But that wasn't the end of the skunky chili beer keg.
Oh, no.
Because one inquisitive little ground squirrel came along and decided to take a spicy bite.
And then oh, no! The squirrel was trapped in the toxic chili keg.
And that chili wasn't the only thing that was about to be killer.
HONEYBEE: This is when everyone in the theater who has popcorn in their lap jumps, and a little popcorn goes flying.
And they say, "Ah, dang, my popcorn!" And that's what it's like to get a drive-on on the lot, according to the book by the guys who wrote Night at the Museum.
Anyway the monster squirrel, fueled by chili beer, set its sights on the camp.
Hello? Anyone there? Deppy? After all that chili talk, I got a hankering.
Aah! [chuckles nervously.]
You got me.
Very funny.
HONEYBEE: As Lawler walks to check the creaking door, we switch to the killer's POV, and we hear its heavy murderer breath.
- Like this - [deep, heavy breathing.]
My chili! - [screams.]
- [screeches.]
- No! - WOLF: He plunged his giant squirrel teeth - right into Lawler's neck! - Aah! Ripped his head off and shook it around a little bit.
Blood goes everywhere.
Splat, splip, sploop.
And now the monster killer squirrel has a taste for skunky beer, killer chili, and the blood of hunky teens.
HONEYBEE: But then it's a little later.
Enter Beef.
And he's all like, "Uh-oh," 'cause there's no Lawler, only his signature fanny pack laying there all spooky.
- What the? - Let's get some eggs, throw 'em at birds.
They'll be like, "Whoa! Eggs! Usually these come out of my butt! No way!" Guys, don't throw eggs.
It's wasteful.
Says the guy who threw strawberry jelly everywhere.
- It's not jelly.
It's blood.
- Gross! Ugh! Ever heard of a Band-Aid, bro? Ugh.
Listen, Lawler is missing, which I've deduced because his fanny pack is lying here without him.
Let's wake Delmer.
He'll know what to do.
No way.
Delmer's old, and that sucks.
Let's go out on our own with no adults at all.
HONEYBEE: So they headed out into the woods.
Lawler, where are you? We have your fanny pack, bro! Lawler! You left all your blood in the kitchen! Quiet.
We don't know what's out here.
Oh, quiet like this? [imitates fart.]
Oh, great.
Where did Kinberly go? We were supposed to make out later.
BEEF: Paw prints.
We're being hunted.
Let's all go back-to-back and stick together.
Or, better idea, let's split up.
- Mm, definitely not.
- And split! HONEYBEE: And they split up, just like dummies always do in scary movies.
WOLF: Yeah.
So obviously the squirrel gets Duke, because he wasn't a main character and we need a death now to keep the audience interested.
No! I was going to open an ice cream shop! It was going to be called Duke's Scoops aah! WOLF: Then the squirrel stalks Deppy.
Lawler? Where are you, bro? Oh, no.
This isn't good.
- [screeches.]
- [screams.]
- [grunts.]
- [snarls.]
Thanks, Grandpa.
Sorry, I know that sounded sarcastic, but that's just how I talk.
I'm genuinely grateful, old man.
- Beef! - There's a monster out here.
- What should we do? - Well, hmm.
How did a ground squirrel mutate into a giant monster? Could it have encountered a toxic substance? Uh, well, we did leave a skunky killer chili beer keg in the woods.
It's not a huge whoop.
- It actually is a huge whoop.
- Littering hurts everyone.
If it's chili that's made him, it's only chili that can destroy him.
WOLF: Delmer's plan was simple.
HONEYBEE: They would make their own skunky chili beer and use it as bait.
What am I missing? This squirrel doesn't just want to eat chili, it wants - Pringles? Frosting? - Blood.
The bait was ready.
WOLF: Dad and Delmer used their outdoor skills to construct the perfect trap.
Now all they had to do was wait.
- Can I hold the rope? - Are you just gonna pull on it - and then make a big fart sound? - [chuckles.]
Shh! [screechy chittering.]
DELMER: Now, Beef! Release the knot! HONEYBEE: But the squirrel didn't fall, and then he used his super squirrel strength to slap a tree over.
Oh, no! There's a tree on me! Boys, pull out your official Camp Heck Yeah! pocketknives.
Oh, whoops, I put a candy bar in there.
WOLF: So Dad was on his own! - Things were about to get nuts! - [screeches.]
Ooh, babe, that could be the tagline for your movie poster.
Oh, I'll just type it in the notes app in my phone.
Things - were - [Delmer snoring.]
- Guys, the story.
- Right! - Beef! Throwing star.
- Time to hurl this squirrel.
You just got Deppy'd! - Deppy, you didn't do anything.
- See, Beef? Everyone thought you weren't cool, but you did the coolest thing of all save everybody's lives.
WOLF: Then it freeze-frames on them high-fiving in the air, and that was the end.
Speaking of movies, we might need to Weekend at Bernie's this bad boy.
- Ah.
- Oh, did I save the town again with pee? Better.
With your brain pee: knowledge.
Hey, bud.
Just 30 minutes to go, and then you can go to Sleep City.
- Dad, do a story.
- Okay, um Ooh, how about Delmer and the Sea Monster? - Eh - Sure, if you want him to fall asleep and die.
Yeah, that one is boring, and if I remember correctly, half that story is lists of outdated maritime laws.
Uh, I think everyone loves my maritime law talk.
Dad, I mean this with love and respect: I absolutely hate your maritime law talk.
Maybe For Delmer's life's sake you could at least let the sea monster have a fun voice.
Maybe it [high-pitched.]
sounds like this.
I will consider it.
It all started at The Russian Restaurant.
I had just learned that my dear Kathleen was pregnant with our first child.
I was terrified, so Delmer and I decided to have what we called a "rager.
" Some lunch and a quiet day of fishing and contemplations.
We were finishing up our sandwiches when Whoops.
Spilled some mustard on my shirt.
Look at me, Mr.
Mustard over here.
I'll go to the bathroom and clean this stain with some cool water because, as we all know, - if you use warm water, it actually sets it.
- JUDY: Dad! You've been talking about mustard for five minutes.
- Be exciting.
- Okay.
Got it.
- So the mustard stain came out.
- Dad, no.
But more importantly, there was a salty old sea captain holding court in the pub.
And there she was, clear as me hand before me now, the Sea Monster of Lone Moose.
She was ten stories tall if she were an inch, with a long, spiky tail so sharp it'd surely cut through you like a hot knife through blubber! MOON: Okay, this sounds like the 1880s.
Oh, please.
I allowed you your historical inaccuracies, you can allow me mine.
So, putting no stock in the sea monster yarn, and with Delmer by my side, I journeyed out into uncharted waters.
Ship wreckage.
- Aah! - Aah! Monster! This is an active shipwreck site! Your interference violates the following - eight maritime laws.
First - ALL: Dad! No! [screaming.]
I'll ready the harpoon gun! Say your prayers, water demon! Beef, stop.
It's not trying to hurt us.
It's trying to get to its child.
Look over there.
It's just being protective, like I was of my kids, and like you will be when you're a parent.
MOON: No, like this.
The mom is upset because it's separated from its baby.
That's not its mom.
That's its dad.
Look below deck.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, that's a weird penis.
Beef, we don't need to kill the sea monster.
We just need to get it back together with its baby.
This sea monster is all this baby has, - just like you'll be all your baby has.
- Me? What about Kathleen? Eh.
Don't get me wrong, Beef, she made for a great Wine Cooler Queen of Ketchikan, but she's just not a Reliable Ricky like you.
I've known you your whole life.
You're going to be a great dad.
This is a great talk, Delmer, but I should probably - steer the boat out of the way.
- Yup.
- [cheering.]
- BEEF: And the dad and the baby sea monster were reunited, and Dad, this is very touching, but look at Delmer.
Uh, three more minutes.
Then there was lightning! And thunder! And thunder sounds! Thunder sounds! Oh, my! Thunder sounds? - [thunder crashing.]
- The engine cut out! We're stuck! [both scream.]
DELMER: The boat's on fire! - Shall we prepare to die? - Couldn't hurt.
BEEF: But suddenly the boat started to move out of the storm and towards the shore.
- Gerblaw! - And in the end, because we had helped the dad, he helped us.
Just a couple of dads helping dads.
- Isn't that right, Delmer? - [snoring.]
- Delms! - Don't worry, we're past the four-hour mark.
- We did it.
- Look at him all peaceful, catching some Zs.
Or should I say catching some Ds? - 'Cause he's Delmer.
- Wolf, no Don't say "catching some Ds.
" DELMER: Hey, Beef, thanks for telling me those nice stories to keep me up last night.
Yeah, it was interesting to revisit the memories of what those stories were based on.
Like when me and Brian came to live with you for a while because our parents joined that space cult.
What a couple of knuckleheads.
And when I worked at your summer camp because my parents were "unavailable" due to their involvement in the conspiracy to poison the mayor.
And when Kathleen got pregnant, you did take me out fishing.
- You were pretty nervous.
- But you calmed me down.
Delmer, you were my parent when I needed one.
And for that, I will always be thankful.
Well, Beef, my boy, I love [snoring.]
[continues snoring.]
- [farts.]
- Dear Lord, Delmer.
Gotcha again.
Bork is the word, it's a noun, it's a verb It means every single thing Tulips, turnips and turds Bork is the word, sister, have you heard? There's nothing that it doesn't mean Now Bork me as I swerve Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork Bork, Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork, Bork A Bork is a cork, a fork is a Bork When you have a little Borkie It's brought by the stork Bork is the word A noun and a verb It means every single thing, now Bork me While I swerve! Bork!
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